300+ Club - I'm trying hard!!

I'm brand new here and really at my wits end with weight loss. I am 40 and 1.2 and have been on a diet since I was 16. I did slim down some after my divorce and had a good time in my ages 27-31.. I have allergies and broke out in hives in 2000 and the doctor put me on prednisone which did not work. I gained 70 pounds in two months from Oct 30 to Christmas and have been a mess ever since. I just can't find my place and have any real success.. My insurance does not pay for weight loss surgery, Im at my all time high of 349 and when I got married I weighed 172. I am double my size and the more I diet the fatter I get. I dont even want to try anymore because its just one more time to fail and feel even worse. Im ashamed for anyone to see me because I look like ****, I dont even go to church for fear my classmates will see me and be horrified. It's just one more place to feel rejection. Im desperate to get this off of me because I am at risk for breast cancer and heart disease/stroke, diabetes and very high risk for blood clots due to bad veins in my right leg.. I know Im hurting myself by not tackling this once and for all but after so many starts and failures it seems like its just lip service now, it just sounds good but Im not holding out hope I will ever suceed if I couldnt do it by now.

I have very bad dark moods and I have done atkins since 2000. Ive lost weight on it and got down to 271 last summer, I hit a stressful situation and by Feb I was 330 and just yo yod my way up this high now.Its my all time highest weight right now and Im just freaked out. How could I let this happen to myself and at times it seems like my body sabotages me itself. I started atkins on 8/30 and had no sugar at all for ten days and gained 7 more pounds. I dont know if its water weight or what but I was so pissed and disgusted I said f it and have cooked pizza, bananna pudding, chili dogs and chocolate cake for my kids this weekend and pigged out. Now that its all over with I just want to kick myself what the **** was I thinking. Im single, forty and miserable, isolated, feeling left behind and cheated. I dont see other people try as hard as I do and I just dont get the results at all. Starrting to wonder if it is my thyroid but if it was why did I do so good last summer.

Actually it was 07 that I lost 30 pounds in the spring to 300 and then another 15 in the summer to 285 and just kept it off somehow and then joined a gym last summer to lose the next 15 lbs but at 510 even that I carried ok and looked and felt attractive. I look like a freaking nightmare now and no one to blame but myself. My family always commented on my overweight too so I have very minimal contact with them. I just dont need anyone making me feel worse than I do. I can't believe I never got remarried after 13 years.. I figured I would be single for maybe 2 and I have really let myself down and missing out on all the good parts of my life. For the life of me I do not know what to do or what more to do.. This is my starting place - down in a pool of tar and sinking but this is how I feel and where I'm at... and going to make a game plan and figure this out somehow..

I don't know about the thyroid issues, but perhaps Atkins just wasn't for you. I've never done well with 'all you can eat' programs that tell you not to worry about the calories. I've decided that I have screwed up hunger signals. I've rarely eaten from boredom and/or stress. So, for me, calorie counting works out best. I do still try and keep my protein levels up, but other than that I eat what I want. I find with calorie counting that eventually you start to treat it like a budget. ie. I can have that _____, but do I really want to spend that many calories on it?

Anyway, welcome to the board, and good luck with whatever plan you decide upon. There are two weekly threads, both of which move pretty fast, but it's a great place to get to know people.

Good luck!

Hi, I am not a member of this particular forum; I hope it is okay if I post here.

Coming here for support was a big and important step. In my opinion, you have take your weight loss journey one day at a time. I would guess that almost everybody here has tried to lose weight unsuccessfully many times in the past (I certainly have). Because you have lost and regained weight several times, though, does not mean that you should be too afraid to try again. In my view, those previous efforts were not wasted. You learn something about yourself and about the process each time you try. If you are miserable because of your weight, you have the choice to either do something about or not. Just think, if you start now, how glad you will be in six months, in one year, in two years, etc. that you started this journey now and changed your life. It is a gift to yourself and gift to your kids. There are many, many people on this site who have been where you are and have changed their lives. You can do it, too.

One bit of advice: pick a weight loss program (be it calorie counting, weight watchers, etc) that you can live with for the long haul. I personally believe variety is important and have given up in the past when I got too bored with a program or it was too restrictive in terms of what I could and couldn't eat. Find something that works for you and stick with it to the best of your ability.

I wish you every bit of success on your journey.

J

Thank you for your comments and wow you have really done awesome with your goals!! That is very inspiring!! I guess on one hand I know I am a compulsive emotional eater and the low carbs work.. I feel like if I hadn't at least maintained my weight on atkins somewhat that I would be worse off. My uncle just died in November of complications of overweight and when he was my age he was lean and mean.. It seems like he had a sickness and gained a bunch of weight and it just spiraled from there to the point of no return. I think he was higher than 550 and I could easly fall in that pattern... since it kind of happened already. I feel like Im one illness away from losing my control and then a landslide into a horrible place that would be impossible to get back from.. Its always in the back of my mind that someone said once you hit 400 pounds your chances of death are greater than recovering to health, that is the line in the sand and Im 50 pounds from it.

I have a food mover from richard simmons and I think I'm going to get it out and give it a try again. I always seemed to gain weight on that though and switching from no sugar at all to sugar in everything but moderation didn't seem to adjust well for me and my body really packed it on when I reintroduced that eating style back..

Anne what are your suggestions? How have you done so well and is it healthy eating and exercise or do you recommend any suppliments. I was on phentermine last spring but got too expensive because with bcbs its all out of pocket and I didn't lose weight on it anyway.

Do you stick away from white flour and sugar too? I know on the food mover they recomment diet soda and whole grains in the breads.. Has water made a huge difference for you? Im thinking about doing a total 360 and going about this in the opposite way as before because although it works short term for real weight loss it is effortless to gain it all back and more. Do you eat 3 balanced meals a day and work out? Any advise is greatly appreciated and thanks!!

Hi Noellema, welcome to the best weight loss forum there is! you're going to love it here!!

i'm sorry to hear you've had it so rough.

I was particularly touched by your story and wanted to give you my 2 pennies worth if i may ?

basicaly what has worked for me, is to follow Paul Mckenna's 4 golden rules,
http://www.diet-trials.co.uk/2006/01/11/the-golden-rules-to-losing-weight/

you can download the podcasts for free, and he addresses alot of questions and answers in the call ins, and you can learn quite alot just by listening to other people and what advice he gives them

you dont have to buy the cds or books or what not. most of the information is pretty straight forward. if you're interested i can provide you with more information :)

but here's a video link of a woman who explains abit of his rules.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRz8BEJLpi8&feature=channel_page

and here's a link to the podcast.
http://www.mckenna.com/podcasts.aspx?vw=archive

check them out. and see if its something you might like to try. feel free to pm me, or ask as many questions as you like!

we're all here for you, for every step of the way. you CAN do this! and you will !! :cheer3:

i kinda combine paul mckenna's method with the gabriel method. i do tend to cut down processed carbs, and try to eat more fresh salads and veggies with the foods i do like, like rice, or meat. but what really works for me, is to eat VERY SLOWLY , consiously, ie without the tv, and to eat ONLY when i'm geniunely hungry, and to stop eating when i am satisfied, ie when i am no longer hungry, and i SIGH. i literally draw a breath and my body tells me it is satisfied.
it does take practice. but by eating very very slowly, i'm talking about putting your spoon/fork/sandwhich after each bite, and chewing for a minimum of 20-30 seconds. sometimes i even take 1 minute of breaks between bites.

also start walking, its the best exercise. any type of body movement will be great. get yourself a pedometer. and start to see how many steps you do in a day and start to increase them day by day by a hundred or so..

what gets measured, gets done!

Thank you guys so much just finding a place where Im not alone and feel like im washed up and so many people have turned their story around and done really well. I know this is where I'm supposed to be wow this is my lucky day!! PS how do you get the little tracker on here? I saved it in my employment line in the profile details so its ready to copy and paste ~ just don't see where..

Thank you guys so much just finding a place where Im not alone and feel like im washed up and so many people have turned their story around and done really well. I know this is where I'm supposed to be wow this is my lucky day!! PS how do you get the little tracker on here? I saved it in my employment line in the profile details so its ready to copy and paste ~ just don't see where..

you're welcome :hug: you are definately not alone! welcome to the family!!

sorry you cant put your signature until you've been a member for more than 20 days and have 20 posts.

Ok that is smart so they know you're serious about being on the board!! Thanks !!

Welcome, Noelle!! I agree that you have to find a plan you can stick with. And it can take a bit of work to figure that out. I'm essentially a calorie counter. I like the accountability and the flexibility it gives me. I also try to eat healthier foods than I used to. So I don't eat a lot of sweets, desserts and over time added in more fruits, veggies, whole grains.

I also started exercising regularly and have kept up with it for over 3 1/2 years. That not only helps with weight loss, but keeps my energy up, too.

This whole weight loss thing can be overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I recommend picking one or two behaviors to change -- commit to that, and then slowly start adding other ones in.

We're here for you!!

Anne what are your suggestions? How have you done so well and is it healthy eating and exercise or do you recommend any suppliments. I was on phentermine last spring but got too expensive because with bcbs its all out of pocket and I didn't lose weight on it anyway.

Do you stick away from white flour and sugar too? I know on the food mover they recomment diet soda and whole grains in the breads.. Has water made a huge difference for you? Im thinking about doing a total 360 and going about this in the opposite way as before because although it works short term for real weight loss it is effortless to gain it all back and more. Do you eat 3 balanced meals a day and work out? Any advise is greatly appreciated and thanks!!

Honestly, the only thing that worked for me, was finding a way of eating that I can do forever. Although I don't stay away specifically from white flour and sugar I probably eat them less than I did. I sit down most nights and plan what I'm going to eat the next day, and then I stick to it. It's not that easy, but it's what works for me. I've found ways to cook foods with fewer calories (that I still enjoy eating).

I eat 6 times a day usually, including a snack right before bed. Evening eating was probably my worst time. I'd go to bed hungry, couldn't sleep, and then raid the kitchen for food. Has my weight loss been perfectly consistent - no, but it's what happens in the long run that counts, and I'm still losing weight. I really think that finding a new way of eating is what allows me to be successful. I'm not eating this way until I lose weight, I'm eating this way for the rest of my life.

If Atkins works for you, there's a section here on the board where people can help you with that. My, I love fruit way too much, so it wasn't an option for me. However, think about whatever you choose, and if you'll be happy eating that way for a year, maybe two, maybe three. If you can't see yourself doing that, then it's not the plan for you.

Oh, and no, I don't take any weight loss supplements. I started with exercise, just walking, and still love walking as a big part of my exercise. Last year I started lifting weights, and found that I love doing that. It's important to start slow (don't want to injure yourself) and try and find something you like to do.

Hi and welcome! :D

I love the advice the other ladies have chimed in with. They really do know their stuff. I agree that you may not have found the right plan or lifestyle change for you.

I started June 2008 at 340+ pounds and have kept going with the support and wonderful love and hugs from the people here. :D Though I do struggle, I do keep on and one of the things I am currently struggling with is EXERCISE. Heather gave me a suggestion the other day to make mini-goals so I can get myself motivated to exercise or at the very least be active every day. Wonderful idea and though I'm still struggling, I'm starting to work on goal oriented progress, but small goals. Things I can manage daily. That seems to be a good idea for someone like me.

I also eat mini-meals and most of my eating personally happens in the afternoons. I am trying to do smaller dinners so I am not so full and I find that is working out for me. My lifestyle is vegetarian/vegan and raw food, which is where I fit into. Diet plans do not fit me personally. I don't strictly count calories as I'm more mellow with things.

I do stay away from certain foods, white flour, refined sugars, etc, obviously I don't eat meat, dairy, or eggs. Carbs seem to be my downfall and I struggle with emotional eating.

Anyhow, welcome! :D

Just trying not to beat myself up because I understand how I got this far out of whack and need to find my bearings and get in a good place and be grounded to start a new chapter in my life. My kids wanted to live with their dad for high school and after an ugly court battle he did get residential custody but I was awarded his visitation which is 4 days a week and I had to pay an ungodly amount in c/s.. needless to say I had my kids all the time but no grocery money lol and so there was no way I could support two households at the drop of a dime with no warning so I moved in with my mom. It was an awful experience and I felt cheated and homeless and beyond angry because I did nothing wrong and here I was with the rug pulled out from under me again. I saved and claimed single 0+ on my w9 so I had a huge tax return coming so on new years eve 08 I moved into my house and life was restored just as quick as it was gone from me...
I have been nesting... because everything was taken away from me and so this year I have shopped like a madwoman, cooked crazy for my kids and just went hog wild living it up and claiming my life back. My best friend says it was a reaffirmation of life.. I say I was a lunatic and let myself gain 50 pounds in 09. It not the same as it was before, they dont spend the night very often and are so busy that even on my days there is something going on at school or they are working night time jobs. I miss my kids so much and so Im feeling the empty nest situation very much plus the blues of being totally huge and isolated and not pretty anymore.. Im happy to be at a stand still now and find a place to vent and get it all out and surrounded by peers who have the same goal as me, health and happiness and a long life.

I would be so mad to be down in the ground from a heart attack while all these creeps are up here having a good time at my expense. Thats why I have to get myself under control because I dont think I had this one coming and what I do about it is the issue now.

So Im going to get out my foodmover and go for it. I am happy I did atkins for so long but I am too old for yo yo dieting and I need to do this the healthy way now. Something I can stick with for the rest of my life and not just until I get to x..

I love to walk and the fresh air is intoxicating anyway and leaves that feeling of all is right. Nothing like that tingley muscle feeling and bursts of energy to go. Im going to give this an honest effort and go for it!

Thank you all for your posts!! I'm reading everything and appreciate your good cheer and advice & happy to know I will fit in here!! Lots of people have been where I am right now and good to know you all made it out of this place!!

Noelle, people out in the world, as well as family, can be very judgmental, and life can definitely be cruel and unfair. I'm just in the process of getting divorced and my life was also snatched from my fingers. I'm just trying to keep it together for my sons, who I am most fortunate to have custody of, and there's no danger of them going back to their father.

I started out at the same weight as you, and through a series of unfortunate health events ended up weighing 353 lb. I'm 48 now and I NEED to get my act together with regards to my health because I need to be there for my sons and my aging parents now. I can't go to work because of a combination of my current health and my family's needs, so I'm working at improving my health plus going back to school.

In the last two years I've been on a road to better health. I can't afford not to stay on track. I've dieted all my adult life, and all that served was a constant hemorrhage of cash to a diet industry that benefits from keeping us all feeling insecure about our self-image. Plus I gained more and more weight.

The turning point for me was when I decided to accept myself for who I was, for how I enjoyed to live life, and then made my lifestyle fit me. I stopped keeping refined carbohydrates in the house. I slowly got rid of as much processed food as possible. I don't drink soda. I gave up alcohol altogether for a very long time. I drink only water or herbal teas, plus an occasional coffee. I stopped using butter and most dairy (except yogurt and a little cheese). I cut back on salt as much as possible. I stopped going to fast food restaurants, and more recently, decided to not go out more than once a month. And I started counting calories. Doing all of that, plus exercise three times a week got me to lose nearly 40 lbs.

I have had health issues continue to crop up. Most recently, I was frustrated that I had basically been on a plateau for over a year, so I took a drastic step and went on Medifast. I was on it for three weeks and didn't lose an ounce, but I felt worse and worse, extreme lethargy, body aches. I eventually discovered it was a soy allergy (Medifast is made with soy protein). I'm in the process of eliminating soy from my diet now, and I'm losing weight again (still really slowly).

I have tried and not found success so many times, but I've learned something with every step. That's why I don't consider it a failure. Every day I tell myself that I'm getting closer to my true goal, optimum health.

Having a multi-faceted support system is key. Coming here is great. Having a trainer or friends that you can exercise with is also great. Establishing a form of personal accountability helps. I write a blog, and I am as honest as I can stand. I write about every bad choice, every time I throw out a pair of jeans that are too big, every day I just don't feel like doing anything, and I publish exactly how much I weigh. I'm not embarrassed by it. I weigh 305 lbs, but I am a fun-loving, hard-working, generous, loving, strong, opinionated, know-it-all woman. And I don't let how much I weigh define or limit what I can do.

We're here to live life! I'm so glad you're joining our party!

Georgia your message is really uplifting and honest. Im really happy to be here and had a great day today. Used my food mover and went through all the boxes except water- forgot to load up on water for work today so tomorrow I will do better. It's nice to be in a group where we all have a common goal and support each other. I'm so happy to find this place!!

I never thought I would find another person who had weight gain issues attributed to prednisone.

When I was 11 years old, I had double pneumonia, and I had to be home schooled. I was still young enough to go to a pediatrician and he diagnosed me as having asthma because it was very prevalent in my family, and my symptoms seemed very similar (couldn't catch my breath even when sitting, any kind of activity made me cough, and coughing made me hack up phlegm, and since there was so much of it and not enough breath, I would in turn inhale the phlegm that did not exit my throat, and proceed to choke on it, thus making it look like I was having an asthma attack).

The doctor, who we later found out was sued multiple times for malpractice in other cases, prescribed me 3 tablespoons instead of 3 teaspoons of the liquid. I lived in a recliner and on a sofa for probably 3 months while I took the wrong dosage of it and went from being a petite little 11 year old, to a morbidly obese 11 year old. I went from a size 2 to a size 14. After I was having such a hard time recovering from pneumonia, my parents took me to a general practice doctor and he was appalled at the dosage, took me off of it immediately and started me on some other kind of medicine that surprisingly after about 2 weeks, I felt better than I had in the last 4 months, but the damage had been done with the steroids and I continued to gain weight no matter what my parents did to try to stop it.

I lost about 50 pounds last year, only to get majorly depressed and gain 70 back. My stats are now, as of starting my diet again on 9/1/09: 325/315/260. I have my goal at 260 because that is the weight I need to be to fit into my wedding dress that I fit into when I purchased it last year. I am getting married in March and hopefully I can get down to that. 65 pounds may seem a bit much, but just seeing that I've lost 10 pounds so far (thank you phentermine, water, exercise and a loving fiance!) makes it seem so much more attainable.

Oh my God watching the biggest loser and im late by half hour darn it but the lady who just said she lost her husband and two children in a car accident.. I was bawling could not hold back tears for her and how brave to keep going and just not check out. Nothing on earth could be as hard as that and there she is. That was just really moving and what an impact she will have on so many people that there are no excuses you have to take care of yourself. Just unreal and i'm speechless bless her heart for being strong when it must be so impossible.

Naytally thank you for your post and sorry to hear you have had such difficult time with prednisone. I had surgery in 08 and they wanted to give me that and I actually lied and said I was allergic to it just to stay away from it. I would rather drink poison it was so devistating what that did. And I only gained like 70 pounds but it was within 2 months of going from 230 which I am so tall liked ok on me to 300 and that was crushing to my confidence and self esteem. And it does something to your system, I had hairs growing on my chin and it changed my chemistry because it would not come of no matter what I did and it was really hard on me to feel so unattractive and dirty looks from people and remarks from family.. It was rough so I totally understand and just happy that this occurred a long time ago and now it is out of my system and I can lose weight if I stay on track and do my job. Sooo happy for you and your wedding and just think 2.5 pounds a week will have you in that wedding dress in 6 months so go for it!!!! Woohoo and great to meet you. 21 is a wonderful age and good luck !!!

wow man they dont mess around on the biggest loser.. They were flying the f word all over the place beeps left and right lol. I didnt know they get so down and dirty like that and part of me wonders if they are crazy to push these people so hard right off the bat and land them in cardiac arrest or temp stroke. I wanted shay to punch that coach in her face for insulting her so bad in front of everyone but she just needs a reality check and she got one so hope she doesnt really quit..

Just got back from our big overnight seminar and got to stay at Embassy on the Plaza which was really beautiful. We had to wear our logo polos as a group and mine makes me look like wearing a tent and is too long so it shows every bump ohhhh I was pisses to have to wear that hideous thing and it made me feel ashamed of myself. People I know didnt even come say hello or make eye contact with me I have gained so much weight. It was a real honest moment to realize how low my confidence is and how embarassed of myself I am to have gotten this far gone. I seriously weigh 351 today and that is just unreal.. the number.. how do you go from weighing 7 pounds as a baby and then 40 years later 351. It dawned on me how foolish it has been to play roulette with my life and at 40 its about health and not even vanity anymore. I feel stupid for not making my health the most important thing I focus on and even if I have a treat now and then I need to be taking care of myself and getting good exercise and fresh air. It occurred to me I could just keel over and croak and my legacy would be she brought it on herself. I was really inspired by the biggest loser show and how you just have to let the story go and take care of yourself despite everything because you are all you've got.. Out of about 300 people today I was the fattest and most unhealthy person in there and I was mortified to realize this and felt total humiliation. Attending with the same people a couple of years ago I wore high heels and a shorter skirt suit with black hose and long hair and felt really good about myself and I looked like a morbid obese nightmare today and they were not receptive at all-- felt like they were thinking oh my god shes let herself go what a mess.. I could not run from the truth today I have to change my life this is for the birds.

What has worked for me was drinking only water, cutting out sweets, breads, pasta, counting my calories, adding in more fruits and vegetables, and then eating six small meals a day every two hours, to get my body out of starvation mode. I also cut out red meat. You have to find what works for you and do it for you and for no one else. Also exercise walking , strength training. Welcome to the boards, hope you stay for a long time, this is a good place and very supportive.

Wow for my weight - Turbo Jam falls under Kickboxing and for the 40 minute cardio party 1 it burns 833 cals.. I will be doing that baby now more than ever!

sparkpeople.com/resource/calories_burned.asp
Kickboxing (includes Turbo Jam)


I made a promise to myself last night that Im drawing a line in the sand and making my health my first and immediate priority. My kids are worried about me Im too heavy and a little lost in the blues right now because of feeling isolated and unattractive. My weight is in crisis and I've made a decision to take massive action and turn this around immediately. What I was doing is low carb which does produce definite short term weight loss, not working out at all, a walk once in a while if I had time, then binging when I could not go another day without chocolate and then crazy binge the night before I got back on the horse and this cycle has gone on since 1998. I think I would be in worse shape if I hadnt at least halfway maintained my weight on atkins for blocks of time but it has not worked and 11 years is long enough.

New approach - I'm requiring
1.A min of 15 min walking every day no matter what even if I have to do walk fit on dvd and
2. Im doing turbo jam,
3. I'm using food mover every day for a full year -- my youngest baby will be a senior one year from now getting ready for senior night and greeting his mama with a flower on the field.. I looked nice for my first sons night and I want to make my boys and myself proud. It's the end of a road for me and the nest will soon be empty and I want to meet that milestone with myself in tact. Right now I feel like I am lost and left behind and not even resemble me anymore and I want my life back.

I might be taking baby steps but I'll be making progress every day with this formula and I have an entire year of steps to get me to my magic moment!


So one entire year 9/20/09 to 9/20/10 to fresh walks, turbo jam and eating healthy balanced and controlled portions. Summer is over bikini season is behind me which I havent participated in forever and I have a long productive stretch of time in front of me to create serious fabulous results. Yea!

I cant wait to get my tickers on here and also the exercise ticker on here for the month..

Im going to set a goal of one hour a day for the next ten days so--

turbo jam plus a 15 min walk outside in the fresh air!

600 minutes!!!!

Wow this show on tv says an american adult has between 5 and 20 pounds of toxins in their colon.. .. another reason to drink metamucil, they are pushing for herbal colon cleanse products-- saying you must keep your colon clean and stay healthy- they say the secret to health starts in your colon.. I think they have a good point..

Wow this show on tv says an american adult has between 5 and 20 pounds of toxins in their colon.. .. another reason to drink metamucil, they are pushing for herbal colon cleanse products-- saying you must keep your colon clean and stay healthy- they say the secret to health starts in your colon.. I think they have a good point..

To a point. The problem is when you do a cleanse like that, and not just naturally, it can strip your colon of good bacteria, which you need. The colon and body will naturally cleanse itself, you can help it, but over doing it with these type of products can end up hurting you instead of helping.

Some people believe colonics detoxes your body and removes toxins. Before certain procedures a doctor may want you to cleanse your colon, but beyond that I personally don't feel it is a good thing for your body. Unless you have a reason for it, other than "detox" which I do believe in, but i feel you have to give your body the time it needs to detox. Anyone following a healthy diet goes through a detoxing process. I myself have and am while I continue eating healthy. I wouldn't get a procedure like this unless I talked to a doctor first. The reason why is these products that advertise "healthy colons" can be harsh, however adding a fiber type product to your diet doesn't seem harsh to me. I'm talking about the colon cleansing products.

Personally, when I want to do a body cleanse or spiritual cleanse, I just drink more juices I make or green smoothies. That flushes me out and then I go on my way. I don't feel I have a reason for getting a colonic or etc...but if I had digestive issues I would talk to my doctor about it and see what their advice would be. :)

http://www.webmd.com/balance/natural-colon-cleansing-is-it-necessary

Noelle, be very careful of what you see on TV or the Internet, especially when they're trying to sell you something. The human body is highly resilient and self-regulating in many ways. When we feel bad, physically, there are reasons for that and it is good to see the right health specialists to help us achieve optimum health.

Feeling bad for so long is a very strong motivator for making positive life changes. Approaching the goal to optimum health fueled by an all-or-nothing energy is a recipe for disappointment. It was my downfall for many years. I didn't start experiencing consistent success until I learned to love the small changes I could make for myself, trading out bad fats for good ones, eliminating refined carbohydrates, quitting the fast food, getting 30 gm of fiber in a day, walking every day, drinking more water. Pretty soon, those things became a part of my lifestyle and I shed almost 40 lbs. And have kept it off for over a year.

Start with healthy changes that you can make for yourself at home. Do go see a doctor to get a complete physical and rule out or discover any medical issues that can get in the way of your goals. Clear your pantry of foods that divert you from your path and restock with healthy ingredients that support you. Drink plenty of filtered water (you'll need 12 to 14 glasses). Get plenty of sleep. Don't forget to take a little time each day to breathe correctly and get some good oxygen in. Create an exercise program you are willing to do six days a week. If you only do that, I promise you will start to see great benefits.

I too have been on the prowl for an illusive answer to all my problems with weight and physical health. There is no single thing that will solve it all for me. Success comes from multiple points of action and multiple sources of support. Surround yourself with with an arsenal of success-encouraging people and materials. Walk away from or minimize the influence of the success-killers (and you'll be surprised how many of those there are in very unlikely places, including the TV).

At first the weight will come off quickly and that feels so good! Do not be disheartened when your weight loss rate is "only" 1 or 2 lbs a week, or per month (for me, 1 lb a month at times). It's still in the right direction, and it seriously smacks of success! It means your lifestyle change is succeeding and you will lose the weight.

You have wonderful enthusiasm, and it's very infectious! Thank you for sharing that!

Remember when they said Princess Diana had a machine do a colon cleanse all the time for her complexion.. I always thought that was very drastic and would never do that lol- ever! It is a wild world out there with everyone trying to sell you everything and making it seem like its a miracle cure all, its usually about profits... But I do use sugar free metamucil usually a teaspoon in water every day which is helpful..

It's hard not to be gung ho about making changes and altering your life and habits though. I really honestly have spent every day of my adult life on a diet and beating myself up for not being enough. I have never had one day where I was content and could just let the self consciousness roll off and enjoy my day. I can remember when I was younger and doing my hair nice and picking out something cute to wear and it didnt matter pretty much anything looked nice on me and I just got dressed and went out and lived my life up for anything and completely oblivious to my weight because I was enough. I was about 187 in high school and that's how long ago that was. I was always watching my weight and had a complex about my weight even then but it didnt consume me like now..

Part of my journal I keep in my purse is a fun journal. Every day I try to list at least 3 fun things I do just for the sport of it, just for the sake of being alive and having a good time. I focus so much on doing this and not doing that, eating right, drinking water counting carbs or calories, worrying about my kids or expenses or continual drama with my x their dad--that I realized I was forgetting to live. On my atkins journal half the page was for FUN. I'm going to get a new one and go for it. Full moons, starry nights, just this great thing called life you get so worked up in the bs and where did it go??Just goofing off, something that makes me laugh and feel joy - that is what it's about. I really appreciate all the support on this board, just knowing that people totally relate and understand and its a place to breathe and get inspired. It's Awesome!!!

Doing great - doing turbo jam after work and following my food mover and have already dropped a couple of pounds since I began my new way of doing things on the 19th! Work is a pain and frustrating workload but I feel good because Im taking care of me first and feel like I have more patience and inner calm because I didnt rob myself to make more time to be other peoples thumb. It feels like being selfish leaving on time and being serious about my workout time block but im not.... I'm taking care of myself so I have energy to help others. It's all in the presentation and how you reason things out and that is so clear. Im feeling really good and out of the dumps and this is on a full 5 food group diet and so far so good. Feeling great!

I can talk a good talk and get really excited and motivated but I lose my momentum quickly because there is so far to go and deep down I have tried so hard already and had no results. A part of me is so afraid to fail yet again that I am finding it hard to give a real effort now. I cant seem to get on the horse and go in one direction for long becuase it is so equal to pushing a semi up the side of a mountain and its hard to start from a place of feeling defeated. I feel ashamed of myself for letting this happen, I want my health and pride in myself back, confidence is on the floor because "I" am not visible in this mess any longer. Trying to be postive, there is so much wrong with my life and Im alone and deal with so much drama from my x husband. Part of me has taken on the identity of being a survivor and sometimes I wonder do I create problems in my own life to keep that role going? Im the underdog who gets up and fights continually, I get knocked down all the time and refuse to stay down. I would like to have stability and an even plane of peacefulness. I deal with depression and a strong sense of shame in myself because Im so huge. If my friends from school saw me they would be horrified. I havent had a boyfriend in 4 years and feel like a freak. Thats whats on my mind and home with the flu tonight alone. All this negativity covers up the underlying truth that I made poor choices and I did this to myself. I just dont know how to get out of it and where to start now. And I need my little ticker, I am so excited about that. I see myself going gung ho very high and then the reality of how far I have to go leaves me feeling defeated on the floor. Im going from a total high to a total low and that part is difficult emotionally for me.

Im anxious to get my little ticker going..

Wow for my weight - Turbo Jam falls under Kickboxing and for the 40 minute cardio party 1 it burns 833 cals.. I will be doing that baby now more than ever!


Noelle - I started out by walking and then mixing in Turbo Jam and other fitness DVDs too until I was light enough to switch over to learning how to run. The Turbo Jam DVDs are so fun just make sure you modify the moves as needed. My favorite out of the series was Punch Kick Jam BTW, but they are all good.

You have to find the program that clicks for you everyone thrives on something different for me it was the commitment to exercise (6days a week) and calorie counting. Keeping trigger foods out of the house even if they are healthy ones etc. etc.

It's a long road try not and get overwhelmed you'd be amazed in how much you can achieve in one year. Maybe look at smaller goals. 10lbs at a time.

Let me tell you though as someone who lived her entire adult life as obese (and I'm 35) The process while not always easy is SO worth it.

I was in such a dark spell last night and decided that I can do better. Decided to shake things up a little bit because this is it and if I am going to change my psychology and make positive changes I need to be taking baby steps in the right direction.. For today I decided to literally count my blessings and begin starting my day by giving thanks.. Its as simple as naming ten things every morning just like counting your fingers.

My kids I am so grateful for and our relationship and how the include me in the little moments and things they share with friends

My family - we might not see eye to eye all the time but I am so grateful for a place to belong and prople who have my back

My own home - that is a big one! I dont always have to be on top of the world and when I do need a time out and time to reenergize myself I can do it alone and come home and shut the door and do my own thing. That is such a blessing after having lived without that luxury for an extended time'

My health- im miss chubbs but I have no pain and I can get up and go do anything in this world I want to'

My job- at times I hate it because it is draining and difficult but it affords me the luxury of living the way I want to and I can do all the hobbes I am interested in because of my compensation, its worth the headache and there are so many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat and I know that. It puts it in perspective

My jeep, my wheels and sunroof for sweet summer nights and all the places we can go and fun we can have. I love it and its the best vehicle I have ever had and it is the first and only vehicle I bought and paid for my self with the help of no one.

My friends old and new and the sweet memories we have and good times growing up

Grateful for my grandparents and the impression they left upon me. Their love has kept me grounded and stable though some very trying moments in my life. They have been gone for so long but it is their love that kept me from giving up because I knew and still do that I am from good stuff and I can handle anything that comes my way, I will always find a way to figure it out.

My laptop even! **** yea! Im so happy I bought this for myself and its been wonderful keeping in touch with old friends and having fun

For my body and 5 senses, that I dont have a real impairment or challenge like so many people do. All the joy and experiences that I have been blessed with and being happy and healthy. Im so grateful for that.

I also bought myself a little kitchen timer and am into the fly lady messages.. Do a 5 minute drill in the house and in little baby steps in each room each day builds and helps you keep a tidy and fun house. Its a great website and the little bursts of cleaning really do add up and in 5 to 8 minute increments you really can make a huge difference in a tiny bit of time. It keeps your home from being a ball and chain and you are in control of it.. I love it!

Im happy I got a brand new day to create new memories. Its going to be 85 here this afternoon and planning a nice sunny walk - an afternoon siesta because Im going to work today - i was out sick Friday so there will be **** to pay for sure.. Grateful for fall mild weather, grateful that my kids are happy and healthy, grateful that I am surrounded by family who love me - my mom and sister, all my nieces, and my kids. Some relationships can be improved but I do have a support system and love, grateful for my heart that has kept going for 40 years without a break and not held me back from anything, grateful to be an american and my great grandparents who immigrated here from germany, france and switzerland as children to a better life and all of us take this great life for granted and it wasnt luck at all, thankful for great friends, great memories and a chance to be here and participate in life.. right now.. today.

Hey Noellem. I've really enjoyed reading your thread. Seems we have a lot in common...I too am a mid-west girl, 40 something, was 300+ something pounds, and have a couple of sons.

Anyway, I just wanted to say HI, and encourage you to keep up the good fight. I've been were you have been, and I fought my way out. I hope that you will too. It is SO worth it.

Thank You Lori! Its wonderful you're down to your last ten how cool!!! Good for you :)

I also bought myself a little kitchen timer and am into the fly lady messages.. Do a 5 minute drill in the house and in little baby steps in each room each day builds and helps you keep a tidy and fun house. Its a great website and the little bursts of cleaning really do add up and in 5 to 8 minute increments you really can make a huge difference in a tiny bit of time. It keeps your home from being a ball and chain and you are in control of it.. I love it!


This is really a great plan! For some reason a clean house makes it much eaiser for me to stay on plan. Something about clearing away the clutter from the house, helps to clear the clutter from the mind. Matter of fact my first form of excercise was cleaning my house from top to bottom. :D

I'm very excited for you. I can't wait to hear all your progress reports.

Im being totally tested. Have followed my food mover and not over eaten at all since I started on Monday morning but my nerves are really frazzled and it would be so easy to just cave and totally comfort myself with sweets. Its emotional eating that gets me in such trouble. My job stress is a 7 but my kids, my heart stress is a 12 and Im just waiting for my life to start, Im waiting for my turn and I feel so cheated I could just come unglued. I pay this rediculous amount of child support to a total jackass who tries at every attempt to turn my kids against me. Its a game as old as time, one person feels guilty down deep for bad things they have done so they keep the attention on someone else to divert it away from them. I never did anything deliberately to hurt anyone and he makes me out to be so defective. Im the heavy x wife and I should be even worse off considering everything. I just dont give in to this despair when it hits like now.

My youngest son is invited to michigan state for football recruitment meetings and just a junior this year but its time. I can't afford to do anything while Im a single parent supporting two households and so they are all going - my son, his dad, his uncle, and his step mother- of course the x had to rub that in.. and I cant do any of this. No one even asked me if I would like to go but that would be like the earth spinning backwards anyway but sure I woulde love to go. Its so hard to be on the outside and miss out on all these moments that I wont ever get back. I have never cried on anyones shoulder about my husband being a creep and doing what he did to our family and then marrying her on top of it. Im in a small town and everyone knows and I had the balls to stay right here and face it and not run from it although times I could just curl up and die. My white knight never came to save the day and it has been pretty unbearable at times.

My dad and stepmother hated my x forever.. they could not stand him.. so when all this happened I had to move in with them until I could get on my feet. It was a total disruption to their lives because my kids have crazy schedules and never knew if they would be there or on time or if they had practice etc, typical high school schedules but they werent used to it. They have their perfect little life and big fancy house and no worries.. and here I came with my life undone thinking at least I had a safe place to fall.. well that was a nightmare waiting to happen becuase she and I never really got along to start with because she always instigated trouble and then lied her way out. I was crazy to go over there and everyone told me not to it was not a good idea but I had nowhere else to go at the time. So things came to a head after 3 months and she got me alone away from my dad and picked a nasty fight with me and I knew what she was doing- it was one last attempt to make things right between us and if this didnt work she was going to get me out of the picture for good- I did not argue with her or egg her on and she kept going and going until finally I told her people with no kids have no business taking care of other peoples children.. well then she went straight upstairs and told my dad like a robot- she set me up and I gave her ammo and she played her card.. so i left and stayed with my mom for the next 14 months with no drama and I wrote my dad a letter saying I just couldnt make sense out of our relationship and it was so hurtful from the time I was a child and I just not nothing from this but pain and I didnt know what else to do but let go. That I hoped he would make time for me but I didnt count on it and I didn't know what else to do...

well he wrote me back a letter saying they were making a new relationship with their grandsons, my children, and that life would go on.. I have taken a life time of abuse from this woman and finally after years and years of staying silent and being the good girl and not doing anything to upset my dad for fear he wouldnt love me-- well it all happened and they cut me loose. They are very close to my x and his wife, they all sit together at the ball games, he has slipped up and told me things that are private that my step mother has discussed with his wife about me-- for gods sake they talk about me behind my back and my x wins if he can act like a total jerk towards me and have my fathers blessing. I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out by everyone I loved, I dont trust a living soul with the exception of my boys and even that relationship has become lighter since they have not been under my roof these last 2 years. Our home and our life was blown up and I am so angry and resentful and then this bs with my dad, the one person who should look out for me above everyone else.. its such a heart ache I just cant bear it sometimes. My dad has always been my idol and my hero and I just cant get those feelings back now. I think at times he would like to be a close family again like we used to be -- he did come and sit next to me at a football game a couple of weeks ago and its so strained I was happy and polite but I didnt really know what to say to him now. It was so crushing to have to let go and accept the fact that they didnt want me, and now I cant undo this shield around my heart to warm up to him again. Im so distraught over this it just really hurts. Hes 66, he wont be here forever and Ill never get this time back that we have lost and I dont know how to fix this and I really dont think its my place to anyway.

My stepmother is a total snake and she even helped my x husband divorce me and then lied about it. We have never been on good terms she has daggers for me as long as I can remember because Im just like my mom and she has no children so Im the other woman in her world and she acts on the sly and then clever enough to conceal it from my dad. She told me one time that when my dad dies shes going to have it closed casket so no one but her can tell him goodbye.. I told him that when all this happened and she denied it and it got turned around on me.. I wish shed get hit by a bus right along with my x but I could never get that lucky and sometimes Im happy my grandparents arent here to see this. They couldnt stand her either and they would have been disgusted with my dad for letting this happen to our family---but she is the breadwinner and what she says goes and he just has to keep peace in the house I guess..

They go on vacations with my kids and dont tell me, they take them to lunch on sundays or have them over for dinner and dont include me, theyve had 2 christmases now without me and what does that say to my children. They dont understand how grandma can be so nice... and it must be me that cant get along with anyone.. it must be me and theyre confused and dont know what to think. Shes got everything just the way she wants it and im seething mad and if we do run into each other I am nice, cordial, and completely indifferent because Im not going to let anyone know how much they have hurt me. I would never in a million years do anything like this to my kids, they make me sick and here I am huge and unhappy and strugglign with my weight and trying to find my way out of this place and make a new life for me.

Sometimes I just wonder do I have something about me that says kick me? How did I manage to get all these characters who are up to no good in my life in one lifetime. Im pretty mellow and not confrontational or aggressive for the most part. I just dont have that vindictive up in your face gene like they do and I have no desire to be that way. I just couldnt treat people like this and this is my family. One day I will be a grandmother and she is going to push her way and exclude me from my own family and my dads going to go along with it just like he does now..

I would like to throw her off a cliff and then I feel bad for feeling that way too because I believe in right and wrong and judgment. People dont get what they deserve, that is just lip service to make you feel better but this really weighs heavy on my heart and the truth is if I was slim and trim and happy and had someone really special again in my life I would not want her anywhere near me. Never again to cause so much trouble and when we were married my x hated her too... but now hes not such an unsavory guy if my dad socializes with him.. I see them all sort of using each other to hurt me and its working.. My step mother is happy as a clam to be sticking it to me like this and rubbing it in my face in public and then having permission from my x to have events with my kids on his time without me-- its spiteful at its worst and he gets vindicated so its win win for them.. I could just spit nails out of my eyes.. I act like Im not phased or upset when I have to see them at sporting events but really I do very much. Isn't this crazy and no wonder I weigh a freaking ton. I just want my life back and they can all do the next thing.

All I can say is managing my food and trying to be healthy gives me a sense of control and sometimes that is all I have to hang on to. I found when I was really going to the gym daily and getting that profound stress relief I noticed that I needed it and craved it. I would have a rough day at work and could not wait to get in the gym and focus my mind entirely on something other than what was upsetting me or stressing me out. I love that feeling and I just have to figure out how to take this situation that is so hurtful to me and use it to better myself. All my energy is used right here, thinking about it, analyzing it and feeling hurt and crushed and completely betrayed and how do I turn this around and use it to help me get my health in order and take good care of myself and live a happy life..

Im having quite the time training my puppy. Hes just been with us for a month and just not getting it. I hate leaving him locked up but even though I take him out at least every hour in the evening he still is squatting and having accidents.. I know he's a good by just gotta get this down and fast!!

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y91/Nicole87LL/008.jpg

so my mom comes over today after work.. my x put a huge write up in the paper about my youngest son and his football accomplishments and how he got invited to a d1 school and their family was taking a trip this weekend to get him there. His dad and stepmother made long commentaries about how excited they are and how hard hes worked and it was a really nice article. Just one thing missing-- there was no comment from me- his mother. No one bothered to tell the reporter or me that there was an interview to go on the front page of the paper.. So it's released and about 15 people at the bank my peers and cooworkers are sending me messages saying congrats I must be so proud and but... it's very tacky and unprofessional for the paper to exclude a parent... well the paper never knew because that idiot didnt tell them. I was so humiliated and hurt.. I called the paper and talked to the editor and said im sure it wasnt intentional but that should never have gone in the paper without getting a statement from his mom.. they apologized and offered to reprint the article and I declined because my son said not to embarass him and that it really was none of my business ( imagine that ) and that he didnt need comments in the paper from his mom, it was about him..

so im upset, my mom adn sister are mortified at the lack of tact and disrepect towards me from my son and his stupid dad and she starts in about how im so huge.. saying if she doesnt say anything it would be like it was ok.. I just had to break it down for her and she doesnt get it.. you dont need to tell me anything about my weight, I just need my mom sometimes for a safe place to belong. My job kicks my ***, my kids break my heart and here she comes telling me ive never been more huge or looked worse and what am I doing about it.. I dont need anyone else making me feel worse than I do and it just makes me feel defeated all the way around. Im already trying to dig myself out of this hole and doing it the right way on a healthy eating plan and being consistant and here she is shoveling it down deeper.. I was really upset and do you not think I know Im not healthy, when have I never not been on a diet and its not like I dont care and just let myself go. Its like the sky fell in today and I felt myself ready to snap, my emotional limit was tapped and I could have just lost my cool today and went off and instead I took action and stayed composed, instead of telling my son off I just said that was the ugliest thing he has ever said and my feelings were so hurt that I did not want to talk to him anymore tonight. He didnt apologise either and his dad is over there running me into the ground and im the bad guy and I didnt do a damn thing. I could have ordered pizza or went and got a bunch of junk and gorged my hurt feelings down and then felt so bad... but I didnt I got on here and talked it out and grabbed a water and refused to disrespect myself on top of the events of today. The paper offered to do a follow up interview with me next weekend after his trip and honestly I feel like telling them.. well my son and his father told me that his football endeavors are none of my business so no comment.. that would teach him a lesson and have a consequence for being so nasty but I wouldnt embarass myself like that. I just could not believe the awful manners today.. the president of my bank says to me congratulations on your son - (and they sent hoards of contributions to this football team) and that is was poor taste of the paper to not include a comment from me as well.. I didnt have the heart to say well it wasn't the paper this is typical behavoir from my x husband like I dont even exist..

Hey, I have an idea of what to say to your Mom the next time she comments on your appearance. Why don't you Thank her for her love and support. Ask her nicely (with the same respect you wish your son would show you) what her advice is...ask her opinion. Vigorously agree (whether you do or you don't) and give her a hug of thanks. Show her you appreciate that she cares. After all, isn't that all you what from your own kids? Good ol JC got it right when he said, "Do unto others". ;)

Noel - I see you have a hound and hounds are very stubborn. We adopted a 2.5 yr old beagle who was not potty trained. It took us 3 months of good solid work. His bladder hadn't been trained and neither had his mind.

Puppies can only hold their bladders for about 2 hours but adults can hold it for longer but it does take them training their bladders as well as willingness.

Hounds in general (I can't tell if you have a beagle or a basset) are very food motivated. Bassets can be a bit more stubborn though. When they do go outside, give them lots and lots of praise! We've had our beagle for over a year and everytime I see him go potty, I still praise him (no treat but praise). When they initially go outside, give them treats and praise.

I never did it but I have known people to put the dog on the leash whenever the dog is out until the dog is potty trained. What we did is limited the area where our dog was allowed to go so that he couldn't go out of our sight and go potty.

There were some mistakes and as I said, it took us 3 months with an adult dog. Hounds can be stubborn and some of them can have weaker bladders. It can be done though.

Here are some great tips from a dog rescue on potty training:
http://www.paw-rescue.org/PAW/PETTIPS/DogTip_Housetraining.php

Thank you guys I still love my mama even if she gets all sideways sometimes it helps to have a good frame of mind to start with so not to feel cornered and defensive. My sister said she must have left her house and came to mine because she couldnt get a fight out of her lol so she left.. ha im sure my kids will be irritated to no end with me too someday..

yes my little guy is a basset hound and he is actually my 2nd to raise. Bassets are stubborn and hard to train but he is so sweet and good natured I just love him to pieces. Hes brought alot of joy to my life in just the short time hes been here with me so far and im so happy hes here. Hes just like a baby , loves to be carried and held and rocked and he also bites feet and chews on anything in sight.. Hes brought fun and good times back and I was very lonely before here by myself because my kids are gone so often.. Im hanging in there & my friend at work brought me a bunch of books she has on puppy training which was nice

well my mister smarty mouth son was backing out of his girlfriends driveway and ran his truck up over the retaining wall so the back of it is hanging off uo in the air. Hes fine but his dads over there now and theyll need a tow truck to get that off and hopefully not too much damage. He was backing up to come over and see me before his big trip tomorrow night. I couldnt help but look up at the full moon tonight and wink and laugh- I wanted to give him 55 karate chops last night for what he said to me and I held my tongue and stayed composed and look karma kicked his little hiney for me tonight. He shouldnt be nasty and ugly to his mama and in private this serves his little butt right lol

Well this week I have followed my foodmover and not overeaten at all. I have worked in ice cream and even a little bit of sweets under fruit, dairy and extras and have lost 3 pounds. I can't believe Im eating carbs and losing weight this is a total 360 to see it working. I know its all about moderation and here's the proof but it really is fabulous to be "in" life. To not feel deprived and Im participating again instead of waiting for someday when Im skinny and eating all protein and not much else and craving sweets so much go off the deep end. Im feeling very good today and anxious for the game tonight and then decorating for halloween this weekend..

*It’s taken me a moment to work through this and arrange my feelings so I am able to process it. My son and his dad and his step mother and leaving tonight for his biggest adventure ever and there was no mention of me in him sharing his news in the article. I was so hurt and felt humiliation and loss and anger. I held my tongue and wrote a thank you to the editor and expressed my pride in my son. My employer is a huge supporter of the team and so me being publicly disrespected did not go over well at the Bank where I work at all. People have actually apologized to me for my xs total disregard for me and here I am paying for all of this. My life is on hold while I pay all this money so they can go showboating all over the place and he doesn’t match my support and put it aside for the boys. Its just skate city for him and he is married and I am a single mother supporting two households so yes I feel entitled to be really aggravated with him. But this ice pick in my heart from them is not helping me at all. I can’t go around with tears in my eyes and feeling so sad.

So here’s where I talk myself through it…

*If I had girls and this was a ballet recital or dance team competition huge event and I was being left out I would not be able to cope with that. I would lose my marbles for someone else to take my place with my daughters.. Its not that bad

*Someone has to do my sons recruiting for him, I certainly wouldn’t know how to navigate that and that is what a dad is supposed to do. He sharing a huge event with his son and proud of him and he has used maybe not his money but his time definitely and taken our son all over to his football combines and now a d1 college is really looking at him and this is the result and the purpose of all these combines to start with.

*His stepmom is only going because she is from Michigan and they are making a weekend of it so she can see her family. She normally doesn’t attend all of his stuff like I do because she has her own kids.

*My insecurities are being completely amplified and it hurts but there is another way to look at it… I see it.. but he is my baby and I want to share in all of this too and I can’t, at least not now.

*I feel like my life has been one trap and mountain to climb after another and there is never a minutes peace. I get 5 feet away from the finish line to peace and harmony and here comes another problem and its usually their dad whos got his foot out to trip me. I don’t want to be one of those people who people look at and say wow she lived a hard life. I don’t want to be that person. They say that about my mom and I want to be a survivor and happy and social and sunny. I don’t want to be a dark cloud of doom and gloom that people are not receptive to. I am that sometimes and I know there is a better way. I used to be that sunny fresh bright girl and I married way too young and picked a man who was a foot shorter than me and had two children together. He had that short man syndrome and everything was and still is a total fight and competition as he will not give an inch and its his masculine pride he is fighting me about. For him to give into a woman is unacceptable and so when I am the least bit aggressive he is totally threatened and there we go to this day.. Those dynamics have never changed and we have been divorced since 1997. I did this, I made my choice and it was wrong, but I love my kids and I don’t want to be defined by a bad marriage and depression. I never wanted to be with him after we got married and I saw what a total mismatch we were together, it just hurt to lose my family and coming from a broken home myself it violated all of my core beliefs and was really very hard to get over. But I made that choice and my choice was wrong. I have to keep saying that…

*My life might have turned out a little different than I planned but it is still my life and it is still good. I am proud of myself and I have done well for myself or else none of this would be possible anyway. I love my kids with all my heart and I know they love me. I am moving past the hurt feelings and towards excitement for my son and I’m feeling better now. I’m going to the game tonight and supporting my son of course and I’m almost ready to have an honest smile on my face. I don’t like his dad, I don’t think he is a nice person and for me to expect him to act in a different way than he does is really me not accepting the reality of the situation. My kids have a stepmother and she happens to be the same woman my x cheated on me with and lied all through the divorce and ran up to her as soon as it was over for comfort. It aggravates me to my core and what can I do? Nothing. I can’t do one thing to change it. This is how it is and my job is to be elevated and rise above all this mud and be myself. Be the girl that grampa loved and never said an unkind word to ever. Be who I am on the inside and not how I comforted myself on the outside because this is not me. Its just a reaction that I resorted to to cope and now I have better tools and yes only time can and does begin to heal those wounds…

I swear the Betty Broderick story changed my life. If I could write her a letter I would tell her thank you because she felt all the pain that I used to and because of only her example I was able to keep myself in check and not go off the deep end. Seriously that movie and woman had a significant impact on my life when it got yanked out from under me and I am forever grateful. I’m almost near the finish line now and I’m not in jail from reacting to an unimaginable situation. And man there were a couple of nights when I was feeling loopty freaking loop that’s for sure but those moments do pass and just gotta hang on..

I feel like with each hurdle I have I am in recovery and making sense out of my life and despite all the tears and bs I am really proud of myself. As I move through these feelings I am needing food less and able to recover and comfort myself on my own and that is a very good feeling. Food is a fuel and an enjoyment and special and not a warm blanket and a concrete wall to hide behind. That is the lesson I am learning now.

Well the game was great last night in Topeka. My mom said she really noticed alot of mothers really went out of their way to say hello to me last night and that my x really made a fool out of himself. She said it was obvious that it really struck a nerve with alot of people by their warming to me last night. I always say hello to everyone but it was very obvious last night that people were reaching out and being supportive of me having to deal with this jackass. My son came and hugged me tight and was very happy I was there, he was all stinky in his gear and pads and my sister said i think he was relieved you were there and maybe had a moment of doubt lol. I hugged my dad when he walked by which was sweet and he said hey kid.. how you doin.. i got kind of choked up and shrugged my shoulders saying ok... i need to fix that relationship its just not right that we both are missing out and hurting because I dont have enough confidence in myself to not care what my stepmom does and says to me. If I had an elevated opinion of myself I would just consider her nothing but trouble and keep my mouth shut and not let it affect me and my dad at all. I finally am getting that. Its not what people do and act like it's you and how you process it. People are going to be low down and nasty at times and it is about them. I tend to internalize everything and put others above myself. I put their opinions and actions as more important than my own and thats why I get so upset..

What I need to be focusing on is taking excellent care of myself, looking my very best with what I have got right now and building on that, thinking positive thoughts and building positive mutual affirming relationships. We dont have to be best friends but by alienating people and avoiding them youre just givine them your energy and keep it for yourself for a change. Dont make them so damn important and live happy and strong and let live...

6 Tips
Dr. Maoshing Ni at Yahoo!
Health Expert for Alternative Medicine

Here are six simple tips that will have you losing weight in a balanced and healthy way.

1. Lose weight with water.
Water is essential for everybody - it is also the key to losing weight. If you haven't been drinking enough water, your body has developed a pattern of storing water. This water retention equals extra unwanted weight.

By drinking more water, you are not only flushing out toxins, you are also teaching your body that it no longer needs to store water. Drink at least 60 ounces of water (about 8 glasses) a day. Boil water and sliced lemons, and drink this throughout the day to help with fluid retention. If you are still not sold on the merits of water, try this on for size: water is a natural appetite suppressant.

2. Soup up your weight loss program.
A simple dietary change will have you shedding pounds: eat a bowl of soup at least once a day. Nutritious, low-salt soups will nourish you as they flush waste from your body. People who eat a serving of soup daily lose more weight than those who eat the same amount of calories but don't eat soup. Go for homemade soup whenever possible, as canned soups are loaded with salt and chemicals.

3. Eat early to keep weight off.
The human body follows a circadian rhythm, which means that the same foods eaten at breakfast and lunch are processed differently than when eaten at dinner. Studies show that when you eat your daily protein and fat at breakfast you tend to lose weight and have more energy; however, eating the same things at dinner tend to increase tendencies toward weight gain. I suggest that you eat your last meal of the day by 7 p.m.

4. Eat smaller meals, more frequently.
Follow an eating schedule with five little meals every day. Eating steadily through the day keeps you from becoming famished and overeating at your next meal. Make a low-fat trail mix from raw almonds, pumpkin seeds, dried plum, and apples and have it available at all times to avoid the tempting lure of high-calorie snacks.

5. Adopt a balanced approach to your diet.
Most of the fad diet programs out there nowadays are extreme in a few recommended foods, or else deprive the body of food altogether. This works in opposition to our metabolism and the results usually don't last, producing a yoyo effect that depresses your metabolic function - not to mention your self-esteem. We are natural beings that need a balance of nutrition from all sources.

Your diet should consist of a balance of organic sources of lean protein, complex carbohydrates, whole grains, legumes, nuts, fruits, and vegetables. Instead of white rice and pasta, opt for brown rice, bulgur, millet, or buckwheat.

Eat more green, chlorophyll-rich foods such as broccoli, kale, spinach, and asparagus. Eliminate candy, sugar, soda, and all simple sugars from your diet. Excess sugar ends up being stored as fat in your body, which results in weight gain. Also, keep dairy to a minimum because most dairy products are high in saturated fat. Avoid fatty foods, processed or fried foods.

6. Walk off the weight.
The No. 1 cause of weight gain is inactivity. Physical activity is the key to speeding up your metabolism and burning excess calories. The best way to be physically active is to use your legs! Walk as often and as long as you can. Always take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Step outside during your break at work and take a walk around your building. Consider joining a local hiking club. Try taking a walk 30 minutes in the morning or 30 minutes in the early evening.

I hope this article helps you shed some pounds and add on the years! I invite you to visit often and share your own personal health and longevity tips with me.

May you live long, live strong, and live happy!

-Dr. Mao
__________________

What a freaking stupid day today!!!! Ugggg I could just scream! So I get to work and its non stop chaos from 825 until 520 every minute is jam packed with go go go and it just doesnt matter. People who put a good file together ask for a rush on their loan so I do it because they did their job and I want to help them and for everyone whos saying omg thank you so much there is some jackass whining to mgmt about how my turn time is falling behind. I need about ten more arms to stay on track and in between rushing approvals out theres phonecalls and people at my desk needing help and 200 emails to read everyday. It's the stresscrazytrain and this is my career- mortgage lending and I love it but sometimes like today it just whales on my nerves and I have one person saying im great and at the same time someone else is saying whats her problem and I just have to let it roll off and keep going...

Then I forgot to log a 176 dollar check - hey it doesnt get better than that so now my account is completely upside down and Im screwed until I get paid. Im trying to get turned around from this summer and overpaying my boys support and wham here comes another sinkhole. And I did this to myself I have no one on this earth to blame but me. Im so screwed now and how to dig myself out of this who knows..

Then get home and put on some shorts to relax and my poor thigh has this hurtful chafing from my panties lol.. it hurts so much and all I can do is put some baby powder so its soft when rubs together and doesnt chafe even more. It just keeps getting better..

So then my oldest son is working tonight and my youngest is on his way home from Michigan and said **** be back in town at 930.. so at 845 im like heyyyyy Im going to do my turbo jam and when Im done my baby will be here... so they walk in - the two giggle boxes at 9oclock and im in the middle of the living room doing my workout lol. Im like go get some cake and milk and sit down and theyre laughing at me im looking like a big mama im sure but im committed. I just said bump this - I am not quitting I am doing my workout and they can sit their happy pants down in the recliners and watch i dont care i am not stopping and starting it again when they leave.. so sure enough I did my workout and they were right here laughing at me telling me how gay it was and only nerds do turbo jam and the guys on there look ******ed.... you know how it goes they were dogging me and laughing but I did it and in the end they were proud of me for being serious.. I told them about my commitment to my club on here and if you make a promise in front of your group and then dont keep your word well youre a cheater and let everyone down and most of all yourself so I was going on ahead on!

Then I got on the scale and it said 353 - so how in the **** did I gain back 9 pounds since Saturday.. Today has just been like a domino one thing wrong after another and whatever..Im doing my workout tomorrow and every day after that too and everyone can just stand in line and wait for me until I get what I need first.. I have never been so sick and tired of bs that I just demand that I take care of myself. This is it, this is my life and I am forty years old - forty years old- forty years old 40 forrrty and this is it.

Nothing is going to get better until I take these baby steps in the right direction every day consistantly, rain wind or shine, and just freaking do it and follow through and flat out do it. No excuses just do it. I have been here before ----

gung ho-- and unstoppable and then whooooosh a cold wind blows through and busy at work, or family issues, or whatever and eventually I wane and lose my momentum and quit for time.

I have been here a million times and I just want to keep going in one direction forever until my last day and take baby steps every day to get me to my healthy weight. A year from now I will be 41 and a half, and either fatter than 353 and a walking heart attack or the same weight and being trapped and miserable and isolated from relationships, or I will be slimmer healthier and happier because I did something hard and did not let up until I got my results.. I want this weight gone and for once I damn well mean it everyone can just take a seat and get in line and wait because I am taking care of myself first so that I can be here and be healthy to enjoy tomorrow.

I'm feeling that old feeling... day to day stress is wearing on me and I can't wait to get home and get on some shorts and work it all out. I get in the swing of things and a workout is stress relief and a high when I'm done because I did my job today and now I can be happy and not beat myself up because I'm not miss perfect. I love the shaky alive feeling of a post workout elation. I love that feeling and I can tell my psychology is changing and I am requiring exercise and physical workout to feel exhilerated and a sense of control. That is what exercise does for me- the more you work out the more you want to and I love this feeling. Can hardly wait to get outta here!!!!!

Noellem87, like you I'm just getting started and here's what has helped me...

1. take a couple of "before" photos and measurements - its not emotional blackmail or anything - its just I know several people who wish they had the comparisons for down the road when things are stalling as a reminder of how far they've come. I think the measurements are especially important - because there will be weeks when the scale doesn't budge or goes up, even though you did everything right, and measurements can get you through that - an inch off an arm or waist can be a reminder you are making a difference and to keep going.

2. Love yourself! Go for being the healthiest, fittest you, that you can be! Self torment and guilt that leads to binges as well as all the "if only's" aren't really going to help make changes! If they did, there would be a lot more "skinny minnies" in the world. The road is long and stubborn and you need a friend in yourself. I try to focus on the positive to get me through the day!

3. Examine your personal eating history! What has worked? What do you like so much you would pine away without it? When do you binge, and what triggers it? Realistically what changes in your eating can you keep up? I did Atkins for months, and truthfully I loved it, and learned lots, but I did have to put a reasonable cap on calories too - I didn't go that route this time simply because meat is more expensive than cheap pasta and I'm out of work.....

4. Set realistic changes/goals! Unless you are prepared to live secluded under dr's care doing "Biggest Loser" style 4+ hour work outs - you are probably in for a gradual start and gradual weight loss. Keep going despite roadblocks - quiting is what brought most of us back up!

5. Get support here! I blog, chat with the 300+ group, the depression group and the control/binge group - because finding that I'm not alone has helped! Plus I blog, because it gives me accountability and I need that

I don't know what my deal is today but just feeling meaner than a barrel of snakes. Super high stress at work and although I did get my required files completed I still didnt get a dent put in it.. I hate being behind and the choice is to stay late and spend my evening there and start over on the mouse wheel tomorrow.. Im just not willing to put things ahead of my health anymore. I cant sit there for ten hours a day and have no activity my legs are tingling and falling asleep because of the circulation and Im just screaming out in my head **** no. I cant do this anymore like I did when I was 25 and my days of working night and day to make a bunch of pricks a ton of money are over. Ive sent everyones kids to college but my own in that freaking place and Im sick of it. Ill get a bad review because they expect me to be so dedicated like Ive always been and I just had to put the breaks on it this summer and say no more... Im not working around the clock for free on salary anymore and I just hate it that its expected by management.

Ive just had a bad day and feeling angry and frustrated and I shouldnt even post it and think about it giving it more energy. I listen to tony robbins and the secret and law of attraction and for the most part sure I believe you are your thoughts and negativity begets negativity but sometimes I just think its all abunch of crap and I feel like venting. It makes me feel better, I have all this frustration built up and I feel like going kung fu ten ways to sunday and its a relief to get it out. I have been in survival mode my entire adult life. Ive never done anything fun or self indulgent, never been able to as a single parent, never made those forever memories with my kids because we just got by, im feeling cheated and angry. I can only feel like a victim so far though because Im not a saver, I havent had money to put back and save for one, but I havent sought out ways to make it happen either and so every little wind that comes along sends me reeling like now. I did this to myself and im mad at creation for having a rough time these last years and then im really mad at myself because up until now I let everyone on earth be more important than me. My job, my family, my children, I saw to it that they all got their needs met and mine went completely void. Well I am running on empty now and I cant run from the fact that my life is hard 30% of unfortunate happenings and 70% bad choices that I made for me.

Not getting my weight under control is my biggest factor in unhappiness. It affects every single area of life because if you dont like yourself, if youre embarassed of yourself, self conscious, inferiority complex, poor self image, all of it ruins your confidence and there you are. They say that losing all this weight wont make a difference and I think that is completely incorrect. I never felt this way ever when I was slim. I never dealt with these self defeating emotions and a feeling of hopelessness. The depression it brings on is unreal sometimes, this moment will pass, I know its cold and rainy outside, and im inside alone with my dog so lonely I could croak. Theres a lot of factors going on here and things I need that I cant go out and get for myself... I built up June so high in my mind- for two years I counted down the days until June got here so I could have my life back and my child support cut in half so I could get back on my feet and into my own house so my children could be close to me again in our own place and none of it turned out the way I thought it would. Im paying a whole lot more and cant get turned around and everything is piling up and im just sol until whenever. Its such a let down I was just in zombie mode for a while , I had all my eggs in this basket when life would finally be doable and I could have my life back and it all just crumbled away like most everything else I planned on.

Yea they went on this big 4 day weekend to Michigan that I essentially paid for and not one word to share it with me or pictures nothing. My x and my son told me it was none of my business so I felt humiliated and rejected by my own child and resentful. Ive done ten times more for him than his little fairy skating father has but I dont get any credit for it or acknowledgement at all. Its just coming from every direction and wearing on me. Im not a strong player in any area of my life, Its all out of whack in every category and I am tired of playing this game. Im tired of all of it and feeling used and abused and disrespected. Between my job, my kids, my weight, my dad, my tight money stress, its all just wearing on me and I feel like a dead horse that everyone beat down and now I dont even move. Im feeling defeated and broken and sometimes theres just nothing left to do but pray and ask for help. Jesus come turn this light on in my heart because Im in a dark place and it hurts and I feel alone.. Sometimes I think that maybe that is why you have ups and downs to clearly feel the need for God, youre not too big for your britches and to have a need of guidance and light. Ive let that relationship fane too im so full of anger and resentment its eating me alive and no space for the peace of Jesus and that is what I need most. Sometimes you just cant take anymore and give it all to the Lord to handle, Jesus take this burden from me because its breaking my spirit and I cant handle it alone anymore. Thats where Im at and already I feel better, I feel relief and my spirit lifting. Its good to get this out and I should get a good nights sleep and will look better tomorrow. Right now just bluer than blue and I did run home for my safe place and turned on turbo jam. I did my job today and I am happy about that. I did take care of me today and that is a baby step in the right direction. Im going to make sure that one year from now I am strong in mind and body, healthier and happier, stronger in my faith, my finances will be in order because Im taking baby steps in the right direction and laying groundwork for a stone foundation. My life can go any way I want it to - my mother hood years are coming to a changing point a pivotal place where kids are grown and gone and I can create any kind of life I choose. Im going to choose happy, stable, secure, sound, adventure, delight, charm, french, joyful, magical, sweet, friendly and kind. On my scale of ten Im there in my heart at just a level one, out of ten im a two right now and I can do alot better. It starts with how you treat yourself and that is new unchartered territory for me..

Decided with proof tonight that I have missed out on enough. I see pics of my kids and their step family and lots of memories and good times, weddings, dances, growing up, things that I should have been much more active in and accepting of. I never knew my place and I felt slighted and dismissed and its no ones control to take that away from me. I have missed out on so much and we are not the only divorced people in the world and there is nothing that says I ever had to stand aside and let someone push me to the corner. Ive spent the last 13 years single in survival mode while life went right on and was great for my x, facing it, the horror of being replaced before I even knew what was going on or that my life was about to change forever. So much emotion in those years, watching the unimagineable, the unthinkable come to pass and feeling terrorized at each turn. It was rough and to face and stick around and hold my head up and cope with it. Ive done my best but I have missed out on so much. It really made me stop and think and no one has the ability to take your strength and power you cede and hand it over.


Im going to start something new this month and begin to build a really strong base for myself to grow now. I have lived in a bubble and denying what is. I have lived in denial and feeling like my values and beliefs dont fit in the world and I still think that. I dont follow the masses and I think that this liberal anything goes mentality is the decay of civilization and were fooling ourselves and no one else. But the fact is I am divorced, my kids have a stepmother, she deals with her children having a stepmother, her x is dead so she is there at their special events without even him now. Im not alone in dealing with this but she is so rude and nasty, I just dont like either one of them but whatever.. Every special moment of my childrens lives is going to be "ruined" in my mind because I have to share it with her. Its not ruined and I need to take my place as their mother and quit being the underdog. I need to take my place and be strong and hold my own. I have just sunk down into the back ground because of feeling so low on myself and this is rediculous. This is my life and my kids love me there is no doubt. Im so insecure and full of self doubt I need the strongest massive quake of shattering love for myself, I need to be drenched in love and confidence and strength. Things will be easier when I have more financial freedom to take care of myself better but for now, I can use what Ive got and that is alot and build myself up strong and happy and a loving open heart.

40 1/2 TODAY and no I have not followed my food mover very well. Im back to 349 and so busy with my kids and cooking for them I have just blown off my plan this weekend.. Tomorrow I am back on plan and get going. I am making alot of breads and keep sweets in the freezer for them lemon bars etc.. because they have so much company and its hard to stay out of. Its not an excuse but it is really expensive to eat healthy.. I have not done my job this weekend and blown off my whole efforts so tomorrow is a new day and I will make sure it is productive and good.

I'm sure I have depression but have not been to any kind of therapist or ever taken any medicine.. my best friend has been to all these appointments and taking meds for years and to me it is pointless because you are just doing triage on situational depression and when you get off of medicine you still have the same problems to cope with except now the side effects of not being on medicine make many people suicidal. I don't need that bs and how about paying attention to the amount of money people pump into the medical field because they have a disease for everything under the sun and medicine for it. I think it is rediculous. If you are clinically depressed and it is a chemical imbalance then yes absolutely go get help and otherwise accept the fact that people from all walks of life have serious disappointments and time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up and take action to make it better. There is no other way around it because none of us gets to be born again and get a do over. This is it and if things are going to change, its up to all of us to make it better....Exercise is the magic potion to feel good. We can all make up one excuse after another and I do it too but if you want to feel better.. get moving.. I hope this is helpful , it is to me definitely, your problems are there with or without medicine and time to work a plan to survive and overcome life's challenges.

I meant that so much I need to have it here as a reminder to myself.. I get in these horrible dark moods too and feel like the world is good to everyone but me but it's not true. I was given a nice life and people who love me, sure they have faults too but the love is there and most of my disappointments have been how I let myself down by making other people and their needs and demands more important than my own.


Ive been in such a dark place this weekend, I am huge and embarassed of myself, people look at me including my mother and a look of disgust is on their face. How could I let myself get this far off track. I did it, I eat way too much, I love sweets, I do not exercise regularly, I go on bursts and get a jolt of health and then back to a normal sedentary life and wonder why my life is unsatisfying. I did this to myself with poor choices and nothing will change unless I change it. Im not having surgery, I dont like medicine, I will not shed this overweight unless I do the work and honestly it is easier to comfort myself with bad food choices and start my plan tomorrow and enjoy today.. That is a lifestyle for me and so go figure... I have no one to blame but myself because I dont save money, I dont diet in a productive way, I dont take care of my body, I am not close to God anymore, I dont go to church, I dont do anything but sit here fuming mad about the raw deal I got and just miss my kids. Im a hate monger just like the cantankerous stinkmeaner my kids watch on tv, and at some point you have to stop pointing the finger at others, your luck, your misfortune, your environment and get up and go in a forward positive direction. I get so bent crooked that my state is lethargic and im like a zombie no energy and just wish people would leave me the **** alone, I like to cook and watch french movies, I like to be alone and peace and quiet and alot like a hermit crab. This is rediculous and these are my choices.. I decided to do this and live this way rather than taking positive baby steps each day in the right way which would inspire me to really get in sinq with my plan. Im too fat and embarassed to go the the Y, there is nothing cute about this mess and its easier to just sit her and feel sorry for myself and do nothing and let the years continue to go by.

I was thinking today, if I died and hopefully go to heaven what am I going to say to defend my life compared to other people who have accomplished so much. There is nothing outstanding I have done, I survived a bad marraige to a total creep, who was actually worse to deal with as an x husband so there has been no relief in that situation in 13 years, I did great on my job and have a lot of responsiblity so I am compensated well and thats good news for my x in child support since hes got my sons now in high school, I have been overweight for over ten years- over 300 pounds and have not had that moment where I said no more, I never have lost this weight and made myself and everyone around me miserable because of it, I never wrote a novel, I never have been to Paris or any of the plans I had for myself. All I have done is been in survival mode my entire adult life, just survived and nothing special, Ive done no good deeds or made the world better with my gifts, I havent done a damn thing except raise my children on a squeaking by budget and made do with nothing and kept my head above water. Ive let myself down by not having my priorities in line and eventually I am going to have to answer for my choices. I dont want to be an old woman in my rocking chair if I get to be that lucky and be full of regret because I never had the gumption to lose this weight. It plagued me my entire life, stole my confidence, my self image, my esteem and regard for myself.. I dont want to be ashamed of myself and know that I slacked my life away and I am 40.. Im right in the middle of my life - a single parent, supporting two households and barely scraping by, my stress is at an all time high and Im damn mad and the worst thing I could do is neglect myself and let my health go... so why do I continue to do this to myself... life is hard right now and I wont always be the underdog, not at all, and its time to get out of this stuck moment and really thing long and hard about my life and take appropriate action..

Im going to get out my tony robbins courses
Im going to set some real goals on paper
I just cant stand this situation anymore and the truth is I can hardly stand myself. This is for the birds to feel so rediculously low and bereft when I have so much going for me.
I have so many gifts and blessings and to waste this beautiful life is something I will have to answer for in this life and the next.. I can do better,I know I can.

On binge eating

I have binged here and there have a bad day and go the the store and buy gobs of chocolaty sweets and have at it.. Its always the sweets and Ive been known to knock out a german chocolate cake in 2 days before I start my grand atkins plan. It's emotional eating for me, running for a safe place, feeling comfort, not being deprived and a quick fix where I get what I want when in the rest of my life I dont get anything the way I want it.. I know its harmful to myself to do this but the satisfaction is apparently stronger than my ability to resist. I am afraid to ever get the surgery if it became available in the years to come because of binge eating. Theres a man on our police dept who had the bariatric surgery and then like an idiot had a full steak dinner and ate it all, split out his stitches and bled to death.. He did it to himself knowing full well his stomach could not hold a fraction of that meal and in a moment of weakness whos to say it couldnt happen again. I dont know if I could deal with an emotional crisis and stay away from food.. that is my fix all and that is why Im as big as I am..

I had a great relaxing weekend and got alot done around the house and spent alot of time online which is so enjoyable. I got my fun level to a ten I think which has been nice. I worked hard last week for a 3 day weekend, hugged my dad at the football game Friday night, the boys were over Thurs, Friday, Sat and yesterday for lunch and again today for lunch and dinner so I have cooked a truck load of food for them and been a very happy enjoyable weekend. I have so many blessings, my life is crazy, theres not enough money to go around and im robbing peter to pay paul for now, my account is upside down, ive paid the utiliities and other stuff just has to wait. Actually I have only been more messed up than this one time in my life and im just not letting it phase me. I will not be the underdog forever and sooner then later my world will turn around and be ok again. It helps to know Im not alone and Im sure there are many many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I got out my tony robbins dvds and those are priceless. If you need a jolt of energy to get you moving he is so effective and inspiring!!

*****My LINE IN THE SAND******

Well what I have been doing is not working- playing on the computer, eating alot, not getting any exercise... I have made no progress and gained back what I lost so tomorrow is a new day. Im officially over the half way mark of 40 and I do not want to end this year over 300 pounds. I have just had it with this nonsense and it is just not fair to me. I'm ready to start fresh tomorrow and get on plan and move it move it!!!!

I had a total dose of reality today at work. I did a loan for a borrower who is a mental health therapist. This woman is on commission, on a contract and has 43 appointments a week at $95 a pop. Even if she was the greatest person on earth there is no way she could keep my personal issues straight week in and week out and help me. I have never been to a counselor or been on medicine and maybe I just have a holistic approach to things and certainly some people would need more or less help depending on their situation and their midset but it just really irritated me today. Even this, the most sincere job actually helping people and lending your expertise to help others is a money making for profit occupation. Of course it is, but I just never saw it in black and white until today. I just felt like there is no virtue in this world and were all on our own and everything eventually boils down to money. I thought of how many people I know go to counselors and take meds and I just shook my head in disbelief. In all honesty when I get to feeling very low and in a bad way I call the Billy Graham prayer line. People there are so sweet and they have counselors on the line who will talk to you and visit with you and give you a fresh perspective and they also will say a prayer for you. I actually cried one time because this old man said the sweetest prayer for me like I was his daughter and asked for special care over me. It was so personal and real it just really got to me and these people are vulunteers just wanting to help and make the world better and give a sense of hope.

Well I saw the pictures of the big game in Michigan, my son, his dad and stepm, and its just like an icepic to my heart. It was so mean to leave me out and no apologies from them at all, other mothers and bank officials I work with made comments about how that article was in poor taste and im sure they meant well. I dont know how to get over this. Im paying for this, my x was a total creep and got away with every single thing he did and here I am paying him now and completely strapped upside down for who knows how long now and I feel so cheated and disrespected. I dont know how to get over this, Im the huge big x wife, I dont date and honestly I havent met anyone or even seen anyone I would want to know better. Its a small town and no one new and Im not attractive now anyway. Just down, feeling defeated and in the last 13 years it has just been one let down after another. Everytime I am at the last mile of darkness and things will finally turn around for me in my favor there he is again with his foot out tripping me using these kids. Im afraid for anything good to happen now because it will just be one more disappointment to have to crawl back from. I have to be doing something wrong. My job, the part that I have been in control of is great, I work hard, did good, but the things I didn't initiate and have had to endure have been one blow after another. Im really tired of surviving everything, just surviving is not even a life its just getting by because you happen to outlive the situation. Then my dad on top of it, im the only girl in my family in two generations and no one ever stood up for me or defended me at all. Im just going in circles, hurt and crushed inside and why did I get all these nasty people in my life. I have alot to be grateful for sure but this life is so painful I just need to get myself out of this moment, out of this ugly place and away from hurtful things. My kids have never had a man tell them in my defense don't talk to your mom like that.. Their father talks to me like some jungle savage and thats very upsetting. I thought I was doing the right thing, I was never interested in them having a stepdad because mine was so abusive, I just wanted to protect my kids but now im not so sure that was the best for me. I needed someone to stand by me and defend me and love me and now my kids have learned their behavior and what is normal homelife from their dad and his new family and I feel like I gave up my control now after the fact. I could have had more of an impact on them by living my own life but I wanted to protect them and look what happened. All this anger is eating me up inside and I know it. I have to find a way to deal with my life, it is not at all what I thought it would be. I never dreamed I would be a single mom and raise my kids all alone and be on my own for all this time. I never was without a boyfriend in high school, but now I feel so isolated and an emotional and physical disaster I just have to find my way back somehow.

Wow! Noelle you have a lot of energy and a lot of stress! Its good that you are getting it out in writing! I know that there is a lot of stuff going on with ex and kids and work - but I'm impressed that you're trying to put yourself first! good job making time to work out no matter what your kids say, they aren't trying to understand your point of view - hang in there and keep going forward!

Noelle, I agree it is good to write things out. I myself have been in traumatic situations and they do wound you and I don't personally believe all wounds can be healed with time. I have a few very deep ones that I know will never "go away." I think, personally, that we learn to grow and cope with our wounds and issues and as we do our weight sheds. It is a journey and we literally work on our issues little by little, struggle, but we WILL get there...wherever "there" is lol. I tend to think "there" is where I can look at myself and fully love myself and not feel anger or regret or guilt or sorrow stemming from my own issues. Just love and then I can share that love with everyone.

*HUGS* Putting yourself first is impressive and wonderful for you. I know it seems daunting right now, believe me I think we ALL get that, but I remember a time years ago where I was literally in what I call "darkness." It is a time in my life where things were so bad and so painful that I almost didn't make it through it, if you catch my drift. Now here I am sitting here and I only started loosing weight, for real, in 2008. However, I worked on my inner self for 10 years and yes that might seem like a waste of time to me, but now I see that I have made a TON of progress and now that I'm really working on my core issues my weight is shedding. I'm still struggling, but totally in a better place now.

In 2002, that is when I really started working on my core issues. I personally set up boundaries between myself and my abusive parents. I stood up to them and to this day I only talk to my father via email, my rules, my life. It isn't because I'm cruel, but I know that my step mother would do anything she could to weed herself back in and start her abusive hateful behavior again. So, boundaries were essential for me. To give me room to breathe and work toward my goals! I'm not giving you my background, but it was full of abuse and horrible things. Yet here I am, on this long road, putzing about. :) One day at a time. You're getting there and doing a ton of work. You're doing great. That is what I think anyhow. *HUGS*

Thank you guys for your sweet words. It means alot to have so much support and not to feel alone. People have real problems and feel stupid for getting so worked up but it is very real to me and it helps to get it off my chest.. I just get bent up and crooked sometimes but it helps so much to just get it out and try to make a plan on what to do... I made a list today of what action I can take right now to make things better right now with exactly what Ive got. It's going to be a tight squeeze for at least the next year and a half and its such a catch 22 because sure I will have financial relief and be able to more with my kids and not be on the sidelines watching and not doing.. but theyll be gone! Theyll be off at school grown up and not wanting to hang with mom anymore.. My dream was to take them to Paris with me as a family trip and even was saving for it before 2007 when this situation changed everything. I just want my time and my chance to shine and make special memories.

I get really upset about my kids dad and his drama and never ending trouble making. How nice it must be for him and what a boost to his ego that I never got remarried. It just is a thorn in my side I guess and eventually when I meet someone special for me we will laugh about his dumb ***. Honestly if I was going to be divorced and deal with that reality things could be worse I guess. I was thinking about that today.. my x husbands new wife, she divorced her husband while he was in the war in Afghanistan and he came home 6 months later to find my x living his in his house with her and her 3 children. So she was free about 4 months before my x and I broke up but he swore there was nothing going on between them although they worked together.

Well after much drama in front of all the children mine and hers, her x husband drank a bottle of whiskey one night and went and started his car in his garage and killed himself. My kids witnessed all this at ages 8 and 6 and it was so very sad. At that time we all - them, me and her x husband lived within 2 blocks of each other. I was very uncomfortable with it too but told the kids it was like camelot for a tiny little moment in time all their parents were right there and they could ride their bikes over to say hello in 2 minutes flat. But that happened in Nov 2001- he had just recently got married to a lady who was also in the army and she happened to be gone when this took place. My x was feeling so guilty he asked me to bring the boys to the funeral so I did and just to sort of save his face I guess.. see she deals with it and didnt go off the deep end.. I always felt so sad for him because I was out walking in front of his house every night and he would waive at me going down the street so he knew exactly who I was and I felt sad that I never just said hello and was he doing ok. I was going through the same thing as he was but I guess he just lost it. After the fact you just wish you had done or said something if a person was in that bad of shape and I just thought it would be asking for trouble to become friends with her x husband and might be spiteful.. But now all these years later- my kids stepmother has a situation like mine too and maybe worse. For her childrens special events they have a stepmother who comes to share in their day and sort of take the thunder away from her. Her childrens dad is gone forever now and everytime this woman comes around they relive it all over again and Im sure that is not easy for her. It helps me to know she has a difficult situation to manage herself and she sort of created it herself.. I know I would not want to live with that on my conscience and it just really irritates me that my little kids had to deal with this at such a young age but its over and done now but very sad..

On a good note I decided what I can do right now to improve my lot!

- on the weekend organize my closet, shoes, purses, jewelry and accessories with things I like and that fit me right now.. move all the other stuff that takes up space downstairs in storage.
-save a set amount no matter what it is and set it aside for an emergency bucket so I am not completely sol
-I put my check book up and took cash out of atm to spend on my budget and that is it. Ill make myself get by with exactly what I have so I dont have half my check spent on paydays..
-Im going to get up 1/2 hr earlier and do the 10 min trainer in the mornings and alternate dvds just to get a fast win in the mornings and also 15 minutes in a room with my timer each am straightening up or dusting whatever just baby steps to get it going in a positive way
-do 1 load of laundry a day so im on top of it and can have fun on the weekends
- be sure im at work by 730 so no one can say jack to me about anything because I am not working nights or weekends anymore im too old and too heavy to be sitting at my desk for 10 hours a day like I normally do. My legs fall asleep and my ankles swell from poor circulation and I just do not need those issues in my life or what they will lead to
-I have a little tin box at work that closes and seals and I used to write prayers or ask for guidance or list what Im grateful for and put them in there.. It helped me stay focused and in the right mind frame and I got that out and started doing that again today. Sometimes when I would feel like **** I would get those little messages out and just be stunned at how much I had to be genuinely thankful for
-Im going to get my fun journal out and just keep a little log everyday of the fun stuff Im doing.. it keeps me on the right track and looking for joy and opportunities and not focus on whats wrong or what I would prefer would cease..

I can do all this with what Ive got right now, change my state and way of thinking and not cost a thing. I have a great library at home with tons of tony robbins awesome dvds and I like Jim Rohn too. I have all kinds of resources to jump start my spirit without even leaving my house and just got to get organized and get moving..

~As far as my sm goes I can and should have my dad in my life and ill tell her in a calm way I am not there for her and as far as her being friends with m & l hope that works out for you.. I wont. Its just unfair all the way around and Im ready to take back my control. I feel a weight lifted off of me and feel like walking 100 miles and breathe a sigh of relief. I have been unable to turn around since this summers events but Im not going to discuss child support anymore. $550 a month is only $6600 a year, that is about one seventh of my income or what I should be tithing at church in a perfect world and my baby is worth 6 million dollars a day. My problem is me. I havent saved for a rainy day, I was rolling in money earlier in the year and it was feast and I did not put anything back for emergency. In teh spring I did not plant any seeds and so harvest time has been a nightmare. The well is dry and I didnt plan for what if.. I did put money back this spring to get me to June so life was easier and then the bottom fell out and hopes and plans dashed. Im the one with this awesome freedom loving job and Im late every day, I dont come in early or stay late, I dont give 100%, I dont have to give 150 like before but I was so burned out that I just drug along and fell into a depression after court did not work out in my favor. But now Its time to pick up and get on with it in every way. Ill be here this weekend getting lined up for success.. with bells on!!

~ I have a short month this month with a holiday and two vacation days so this is the month to really shine and everything is just unraveled and crazy now but not for long. Im going to do everything possible to rock and roll! I feel so much better and I totally realize how I have cheated myself by buying into other peoples outright abuse of me. I have no use for him or my stepmother we both know this is so over. But I need a new and different relationship with my dad and quit being nailed into a corner. Go see him, go be his daughter and do the right thing and disregard anyone who doesnt like it. I can handle things like a lady and its not going to be a fight. I just need to do my part in my relationships and not let people hammer me into isolation. I dont want to be defined by this and up until recently I was. I stood up to Marty and fought back and called a spade a spade, refused to pay his debts and it was fair, I have hugged my dad at the last two games and Im waiting for things to be perfect so we have something in common and what am I doing? Its never going to be perfect and we dont have to be perfect, but I miss and need my dad. I can have a grown up mature positive relationship with him and even at my most threatened and hurt moment I never broke a confidence to him that he shared with me. Never. I did my part and Im punishing my dad because I resent that hag he drug into my life. Its wrong on my part and I see it, I need to set my pride aside and do the right thing and that is something she would never in a million years do. I need to take excellent care of myself and get back on the top of the list. I need a girls night and some good times and things will turn around. I need one exceptional month at work and bam problem solved. I dont need a part time job I need to get to work right where I am and it will work out. .

~ I just had an epiphany. I watch Y & R and see normal everyday people and tons of former spouses get along and have a decent relationship for their children. I think that Marty deep down feels very guilty and responsible for Tom taking his own life over this situation. If Marty can make it seem in his mind that I was so horrible and him leaving us and getting a divorce was essential then that gets him off the hook for what happened afterwards. That is why he is so adamently **** bent on finding fault in me and his constant put downs and insults, all along, since day one. I have never done anything to him, nothing, and he has been continually rude, abusive, humilating and insulting one instance after another. I can't think of any interactions with him since we divorced that have been supportive or postive. And it got to an ugly peak and stayed there after Tom died. I can't think of one. He makes me out to be the worst person on earth and has tried to manipulate my kids affection from me. I hate him and his twisted degenerate behavoir. It just occurred to me that none of this was my doing. I can take every nasty thing he has ever done and said and completely disregard it because it was never about me. I have endured more pain than any human being ever needed to face and he dealt one blow after another. Cheating lying and saving his face at any cost and it was all about him. The end justified the means at every turn and what does he have now but a cat that ate the canary life and a guilty conscience. None of this was about me or what I did or didn't do. It means I dont have a dark cloud over my head, I dont live a life of doom, I just married a complete ahole and enough is enough. His opinion means nothing to me and he is nothing but a vulgar little low class hillbilly and if he spontaneously combusted and turned into a pile of ashes by 2pm I would not care or shed one tear. I feel vindicated and a victim of myself because I didnt have the confidence to know when someone was using me as a target to save his ego and that makes perfect sense. It completey fits. Sure I have faults like everyone else but no person has the right to tear you completely down for their own benefit which is what has happened. I go into my cave and become withdrawn and indifferent, eat and comfort myself and that is how I got here. I feel a weight off my shoulders and a new found courage to pick up my life and turn it around and be happy right now. Im still me and I never needed to let someone stomp out my light and hope and my dreams. Im not going anywhere and Im going to stand tall and take my place now more than ever and he can rot in **** for all I care.



~This has been one crazy year and I made a life for myself on a wing and a prayer. I made stone soup out of less than nothing and as hard as its been and as many names as people have called me I am still proud of myself. I found a way out of **** and saved my life. I was headed down a bad road last year at this time and yes Im fatter but Im still here. I have a way to save myself through my job and if I work harder on myself and my abilities and my professionalism than on my day to day grind of my job I become invaluable to any employer. This is my job and I work for myself. I want to be bigger and more and larger than life in ever way than my circumstances... in every area of my life. I dressed nice today, using as much as I have which isn't alot but I put my best foot forward definitely. Just hang on and make the best of it while youre there, be present, live right now and feel the feelings and learn from it. I am in the winter of my discontent, I hate this but I will endure it and the sun will come out for me. I can either drive myself nuts and refuse to live in reality or I can accept life just as it is and make the most out of what is in my control. Lories kids have a step mother too- they were only married for a year and then the dad killed himself and there is this woman there attending all of her kids events too, in her way, stealing her thunder and having to share her special memories with a nightmare, and bringing bad attention on it because people know he killed himself over this situation, and if I was in her shoes I would feel a bit humiliated. In that sense she's got it worse than me. If you are going to be divorced It could always be worse. I need to accept this situation exactly as it is and do more than cope with it - accept it and let it go because it doesnt have to define me and never did. I am more than my circumstances. This last mile of this drama has been the hardest because Im competing against time, i want it over with so I can have financial relief and get on with my life and on the other hand when it is over my kids are grown and my motherhood, the most precious years of my life are behind me and my kids will be grown and going out on their own and not needing me or having time for family things, Im afraid Im going to resent more then all the things I have missed out on with them.. but we might just have to do things late - our big vacations-- because right now single with money going out to their dad I cant swing it there is no way..

Senior night last night at the game was a powerful moment. One year from now I will be going out there again and this time for my baby.. and the end of high school football. I promise myself I will look great and be strong and happy. The food mover is not working for me, maybe maintenance later on but I need controlled carbs and minimal sugar just to stay the moods... I look back at my posts here and up down all over the place high and low and those are my emotions. This is why I need to get off the sugar, weight loss is just a part of it, the other part and maybe more important is the feeling of sunshine and control that I have that is missing right now. That feeling that I may not be a rockstar but I did everything I can do today and took care of myself and I can enjoy the day and be present.. in the club..

I waited at the gate last night after the game to give my dad a hug and we laughed for a minute and joked and went on our way.. My mom chimes in that my relationship with my dad is "sick".. like Im a glutton for punishment and enjoy being tortured.. Its her normal attitude, shes scored for how their marraige ended when she was 24 and I really have to send my emotions to school when I get around her. I dont care what he did 35 years ago and its not his fault her life is unhappy any more than its my xs fault that im alone or unhappy. I chose to indulge in self pity and inactivity and a survival mentalityh instead of working on myself and my faith and my health. I think my love story is still coming and I have an open heart, I refuse to be scorned and ruined and my x is not the love of my life and he never was.. I cant be around my mom too long she blames others for everything and takes no responsibilty for herself or her situation. I did things the exact opposite of her and yet im in the same boat so in my opinion its all in your perception and I can only sink in the pit so long and then boom up I jump into action. Ive always been that way and probably my mom is the one who positively and negatively influenced me to be that way. I can only drag *** for long and then I get bold and determined which is a good thing... And I understand she is from a upbringing that a man was a necessity and a man should take care of a woman and life is incomplete without a man and all men are rotten but they are the backbone and the breadwinners of the family. My world never had a man in that role.. im generation x the depression prozac generation.. most of our fathers bailed and there was no man around, not for long at least. And our mothers are man haters to the third power. So I cant relate to her mentality, I never had both of my parents under one roof like both of my parents did.. Divorce and visitation and loyalty issues, being pulled in every direction, step parents drama, calling someone else mom or dad, physical child abuse, what if mentality, abandonment issues, that is a life style that me and most of my friends are very accustomed to and I think I took my divorce so hard because it violated my beliefs to the core. I never wanted my children to grow up like I did and thats exactly what happened. I fought to save my marraige, I couldnt stand my husband but I did not want them from a broken home and all that one entails and that is exactly what happened. I have so much baggage and the story, my story, is becoming less important to me now, I need the work and affirmations and postive energy. I want to look back to this journal one year from now and see how far I have come. Im going to be healthier, upstairs emotionally, in my heart, physically, my faith, my finances. I feel things starting to click and the more I call it what it is and be honest, I can face it because it is real, Im dealing in reality and moreso here than ever before. Because under all these layers of sad, dark, alone, disappointed, cheated, defensive, fearful and self descructive, and wimpy isolated cold wall, I am still under here. The same bright smart positive, nice, open hearted long haired hippy chick I ever was, miss chevy van is still in here, sister christian, all those silly names my friends called me, Im still here and I feel like Ive just been buried alive by life and every time I refuse to call things out for what they are, or refuse to deal in reality and wish and hope for things to be different which they are not, I just erode away who I am on the inside, I add layers myself to self protect and I want this off now. I want it all of of me so I can shine again. My x and my step mother have caused me the majority of upset in my life but I have faced it and kept my sense of integrity and dignity and Im really proud of myself for that. I dont cringe around them, even this big and unhappy with my self, I dont feel inferior to them and Im not going to go run and hide in the bushes until they go away. Im not going to wish them an early departure so I can have peace. Im going to be strong and take my place and live my life. Im in a good place and a great place to start!

I topped out this morning at 354.2 so that's that. Food mover is going in the drawer and I have been doing alot of research on the glycemic index and many comments on overweight resulting from high blood sugar. I know it's true there is no doubt and I am concerned with obesity and heart disease. I am not interested in Atkins again because of the free for all push towards high fat foods. At one point I felt like I had crisco in my veins I just felt gross from eating only proteins and small to no fruits or vegetables.. It works short term but long term it is not for me... I found a forum on TFD which is a more balanced idea and many success stories on there which were very inspiring. Some were written in french which is the sparkles and sprinkles fabulous find for me so I put them on the translator since I am not fluent yet lol!! So that's that - taking a new direction and a positive one... I was fooling myself eating sweets and candy and trying to make it fit in to the fruits and xtras and breads boxes.. For maintenance I can see that, but for weight loss obviously it's self defeating and obviously not the answer for me. The mood swings from sugar crashes and spikes is too much for me anyway, I am dragging in a black pit one minute and then flying high and that is too much, I need balance it is essential. Im working at home this morning and off to the office later this afternoon from 3 to 5 to get a jump start.

Im working on my list today of uplifting changes...
*Arrange closet and accessories
*To work early 730-745 from now on
*10MinT Yoga and vary
*Nice sparkly house and use my little timer which really works for motivation, even a 5 minute spruce up in a room is unbelievable how much you can get done.. Its amazing.. I set for 40 min yesterday in my kitchen, turned on tony robbins and got every little thing done, even relocated cleaning supplies, cleaned all appliances, orange glow the cabinets and mopped the floors and listented to totally uplifting program..
*I have a playlist from playlist.com with my 100 favorite songs of all time so I turn on my juke box and rock out everyday through my laptop rather than download and crash my system.. that is wonderful too

I love this plan because I can have my 3 essential loves, chocolate 70% cacao, wine and creme brulee.. its all moderation and it makes me feel like Im living, im not on hold until someday when Im thin and healthy, im in the game right now and partaking in my life. That's the juciest part for me.. Today is day 1 and starting out at 354...

Way to keep pulling forward, what a great couple of breakthroughs in realizing that when other people hurt you it because of their own failings, fears and insecurities - and In realizing the only thing you can control is you own mature, wonderful and moving forward attitude - be proud of how you act and of yourself!

Wow thank you I certainly am trying to be strong!!!! Today was a great day - I feel better already just getting off the sugar. It seems like i can think more clearly and the "fog" kind of dissipates. Steam cleaned the carpets today and did a lot of work at home for a head start tomorrow am which is great.. Set my little timer and did a chunk of work and then broke for some fun too so it was no big deal. My son is wanting some of mamas lemonbars - hes out and I keep them in the freezer for him. I wasn't ready to make them today because I know I would have been in them and just need a strong start to my plan. Its been a great weekend, lots of visiting and time with my boys and very enjoyable. Going to have a sugar free snack and call it a day. I did good today and man I have what 180 pounds to go but I got day one down so one day closer and it makes me happy that this day counted.. I didnt blow it, I did my job today and it got me a day closer to my hearts desire. I cant believe I am this heavy, It just baffles me that I weigh as much as I do- I have two massive football player sons and I am heavier than both of them. I want my life back and I want my boys to be proud of their mom. I really want to be proud of myself mostly and put on some cute clothes and go out and shake it. I havent had fun in so long just a girls night being wild and crazy and that is what I need more than anything!!! In May of 08 I was out clubbin and looked really nice and dancing and having a ball and guys checking me out and then ... just tanked and gained 80 pounds ugggg ..not going to worry about that just put on foot ahead of the other and do one day at a time and repeat that over and over and I will turn this around.. Im happy its only October and have two full months before Christmas for a head start!!!!

Great day today - rocked at work and made chicken enchiladas for dinner and I did not overdo it!! Beautiful weather plus I feel much better after 2 days of sugar free, I can really tell the difference and how your spirits lift. Decorating for Halloween enjoying the evening off. Getting ready to do my workout ~ my son just left and all is good for a Monday night.. Im really working hard at work and hopefully the file load will continue so I can get extra $$ and i'll be good to go..

Ugg this day needs wiped off the books. Got done dirty today and not even going to comment on it - I dont ever want to relive this day again in my life and just glad to have a place to vent and get it out- get it processed- and figure out a plan that helps me...

I was thinking about the four agreements - about how you should not take anything personally, no matter what is said, even if someone is up in your face screaming their head off it is about them it's not about you. They are upset and flipping out over their own values and beliefs and environment being threatened and it is not about you... so how about on the flip side, what if you are the person who hates everyone and holds grudges and is wounded and jaded and down on their luck. Isnt that the same thing... its all in your perception.. as a man thinketh.. your thoughts are your life... wow that hits home and cant run from it. I am that person, mad at the universe for giving me too much drama and most of it is self induced...

Thinking about my step mom, she has a competitive streak with me and very important for her to outshine me since I was a young girl, always budding in and going way too far, never knowing when to quit, she was mouthy and abusive, had my dad wrapped around her finger as long as I can remember, she flirted with my boyfriends in high school and it made me very uncomfortable because my dad was gone working on the road for long bouts of time, give her an inch and she took a mile every time, she helped my husband divorce me so he wouldnt get taken advantage of.. or so she said, ruined my wedding slamming the door in front of 500 people when the photog told her in the wrong tone he was done taking her picture, talked about my mom non stop and told me things I did not need to know and then lied about it.. all these horrible things.. then I told her off at 37 years old and put my foot down saying no more and the rest is history.. Im the odd man out and my dad sided with his wife and what else could he do after all she is the poor stepmother and we treated her soooo badly..

What if I was strong and confident and felt brilliant and as if I had life in the palm of my hand.. What if she did and said all these things and I reasoned to myself that she is an idiot and nothing but trouble and everyone knows it and I can handle all of her crap. What if I said flat out that you can call me whatever you want to but I know better and your opinoin doesnt mean anything to me, what matters is what I think and you need to get a life and get used to me being in your grill because Im not going anywhere and I will never abandon my dad no matter how ugly you are to me you will never win this battle. What if that was my attitude? Thats what it should have been, thats how I should have reacted.. and instead after what happened with my x husband and my children I felt like everyone I loved turned their backs on me and I just went in my cave and became isolated and afraid to trust people and cold. I didnt know what else to do because I was so offended by the horrible things she said to me after the way she has treated me my whole life and I could not believe my dad stood by and let her. It brought back all sorts of feelings of being a little girl with a step dad who got way too violent with us and my mom stood there and did nothing becuase he was the man... I felt like both of my parents stood by and let someone beat the living crap out of me one physically and one emotionally and my heart was battered and broken..

Im not that person anymore. I had to break through my inferiority complex and really seriously love myself and believe in myself. I was all by myself against the whole world and everyone picking me apart and I knew they were wrong and I had to hold my ground and get back on my feet by myself with the help of no one.. I do feel this way now. I am stronger because I outlasted all their crap and their hurtful deeds and words and I showed everyone up and now they dont have jack **** to say about nothing. But I had to go through **** to accomplish that so I guess in a twisted backwards way I can be thankful to her and him because this situation forced me to love myself and believe in myself wholeheartedly. I am a better person than before this happened just a little fluffy but Im working on it. I feel healthier and more at peace in my heart than I ever have in my life and it took **** and high water to get here. I have many gifts and blessings to be grateful, apparently more than I even realized.

Had to visit with the peeps and explain what is going on and met with kindness and understanding and it was like a weight lifted off of my spirit. What a relief and now just working hard on the solution and energy in the right place. Both of my boys were over tonight each one at a different time which is a nice thing and special time with each one of them. Trying to focus on being productive and going in one direction forward. Im off at noon tomorrow after a devilishly busy week and going in early for a head start at 7 in the morning so I get at least 5 solid hours to bang approvals out.. The puppy is snoring in his little bed. Life is going by and im not in a great place but making the best of it, trying to make the most of the journey.

I dont know where else to write down how I feel and try to make sense out of it. My dad and satan sit with my x and his wife at the football games and saw my dad walk by and talk to me as he was going to get hot chocolate for all of them last night. My mom is next to me fuming he is such a ahole and my heart is numb. I hate my stepmother she is a vindictive animal and he is just a blind fool and a kept man. I dont know how to make peace with any of this because I do not want her anywhere near any happiness I might ever find for myself and I miss my dad. Im trying not to take it personal. She is the kind of person who will be best friends with absolutely anyone who will sit there and listen to her and my x is just using my dad to save his ego and feel vindicated for the awful things he has done to me. What I need more than anything is to find the something to get up and take care of myself. I feel like a tree that has been sawed down and just get in a bad place and its completely unfair to be preoccupied with all this drama and painfull stuff and be idle and blue. How I have lived my life has not worked out to help me up until now.. My weight is embarassing and I dont look pretty at all anymore. I hate not having anyone in my life and feel very lonely and unsure of myself. I need someone who is patient and supportive and what man is going to not resent all this baggage. Thats the hugest red flag is when someone does not get along with their family especially parents but mine are rediculous and underhanded and sly. Im about 15 years overdue for a change of scenery and I was looking into job market and cost of living and real estate market in Savannah GA and it's perfect. If I was going to go anywhere it would be there and this has been my plan since my kids were little. I didnt want to leave and go off and be a single parent by myself with no family or support system and that has come back to bite me with a vengeance but I knew all along as soon as my youngest graduated I was relocating. It would be the best and most healthiest thing for me but a part of me is so scared that my kids will just write me off and we wont be close at all. I am constantly put in last place here though and it hurts alot so what is the best thing to do?

Im just buried alive under all these details and feel like a casualty of a bad divorce and I would like to remove myself from this and come back now and then on my terms and not be at the mercy of it. I would like to be brand new and go off into my own adventure and make a new life for myself and everyone could come visit me. Id like to cash in my profit sharing when I leave my job and go to paris for a month and just live. My dreams and things I need have been put on hold so long they seem rediculous and self indulgent and when did I make the decision and go along with the idea that everyone elses needs came before mine. Partly that comes with motherhood and how I wish my grandma was here to talk to. I miss her so much and she was my number one fan, both of them, they really thought the world of me and neither one liked my stepmother and sometimes not my dad either. I lost my ally when she died and it became open season on me. My stepmom never pulled anything like this when she was alive she knew better than to make her husband choose between his mother and her. I just wonder what she would think of all this and how they treat me. I just know that nothing is going to change until I consistantly work exercise into my life and quit doing things that dont work and change things to new habits that do work. Im not going to Savannah or Paris or Limosin France at 350 pounds. That is not going to happen ever so need to focus on what I can control and enhance right now and do my job...

Hi Noelle, I just joined today but had been reading here for quite some time and wanted you to know that I've been following your thread and am very touched by your story.

It sounds like you have a very stressful job and are also dealing with some toxic family relationships that are also causing you a great deal of stress. Although the details in my life are different, I can identify with your situation and then to top it all off with huge hits to self-esteem due to weight issues, it makes things extremely difficult.

I had also used Atkins successfully years ago and was beyond frustrated when I encountered difficulty when trying to use it again. I spent over a year trying to figure out why I was having so many problems with it and why I could not seem to get any sort of diet to work for me. I had suffered severe alteration in metabolism due to medication I'd been on several years ago and then, 60 lbs. heavier, felt total loss of control when I could not get diets to work....and it took a devastating toll on my self esteem. Over and over again, I would sit and cry in frustration when I would diet....with no positive results.

But after spending over a year doing research and using trial and error, I finally got Atkins to work again and feel so much more in control. And though my own issues with toxic family situations continue, they are so much less troublesome and hurtful to me now that I've gained some control back again.

I noticed that you mentioned not wanting to go back to eating all that protein again. I honestly don't really eat that much more protein on Atkins than I normally would. I do eat a whole variety of low-carb veggies that I prepare into really delicious dishes and am really enjoying it and am never hungry.

I don't know if this will help you but if you're anything like me, what I would recommend is to research Atkins. There are a few things they've changed from years ago and this is how I resolved what was preventing the diet from working this time around. I'm a person who cannot stick to a diet if I'm constantly hungry and low carb is the way that works for me....and sounds like what worked for you in the past. It is one of the most frustrating things in the world to try and try and not get results, believe me, I know. But there is hope....and there is some reason why something may not be working that worked for you in the past. Our metabolisms change as we get older and you may need to tweak a few things in order to get things rolling again. If you're interested, I'd be glad to help you. :)

Thanks Deena I appreciate your post!! Me too, I really do like being on Atkins or (low carb, controlled carb plans) and you really can modify so many things to work into a LC plan. I like the dreamfields pasta and that was a treat to make mac and cheese one time!! I need lots of salads and fruits to stay on this day to day, green beans with melted cheese is one of my favorites too and with the sugar free turtles out now it's easy to do a long stretch on the plan and make some progress.. I know if it hadnt been for stop and go on Atkins all these years I would have yo yod myself into a really bad place. Im feeling much better after the weekend. Ive had a nice quiet enjoyable weekend, done lots of baking for my kids and home cooking, they were both over here today for lunch and a movie and I really want to focus on being positive and not letting all this negative people and circumstances drown me anymore.

Im kind of old fashioned I guess and when things get out of hand I write a prayer or whatever asking for help, guidance, assistance and put it in the bible. It makes me feel comforted to know that I can step away from my problem and let God handle it because I sure am not getting anywhere doing it on my own. I read the story of Joseph, you know the coat of many colors, I love that story and in a little way I take courage from it. His family sold him out and did him wrong and he had every reason to hate them and want revenge and he did just the opposite and goes down in history as a hero and an example of the best character and that of forgiveness. Its such a hard thing to do. To let people be exactly who they are, good or bad, and not let them affect you. Youre raised to trust and take certain relationships as gospel and unquestioned, and when they are abusive it's very hard all the way around to make sense of it. Im just kind of tired of all of this, and being indifferent towards my dad and my stepmother of 33 years is not the answer either Im finding out. It helps in coping but the anger is still there. I need to love myself and not give one damn what anyone else thinks or says, I need to find that balance and put on my family armor and deal with them in a constructive way. I envy my brother, he is a turbine engineer and works on location at various power facilities in the us.. he just takes off from contract to contract and drives away and leaves all the family bs behind..

I just feel like Ive read all the books and thought things out until my head is numb, Ive done all the work and analyzed things to death and there is no further to go now. I either accept that I have alot of unsupportive people in my life and it is just a cross to bear, and every person on earth has their own which is just as significant as anything I might have on my plate and just accept life as it is, go with life as it unfolds and just live. I think if I had a boyfriend I wouldnt care or be so in tune with these ugly issues anyway. So take it with a grain of salt and keep eyes on the stars and the big picture: being a good mom, rocking at work, taking care of myself, getting enough sleep and exercise and living in the moment, being present..

Hi again Noelle,
A therapist once told me to "stop banging on a door that was never going to open". And basically, he meant that I should stop trying to get love (or the kind of love I was looking for) that I was never going to get. This was in reference to my mom. She was schizophrenic and would not take medication for it....and I finally had to come to peace with the fact that I was never going to get exactly what I was looking for from her. Not that she didn't love me in her own way, but that this was the best she could do and I was never going to receive what....well, what my fantasy was, I guess.

Anger we hold onto is supposed to be toxic for us and it's better to let go of it and accept that things may never be the way we want them to be....at least, that's what therapists tell us. Easier said than done, I know. I do know this....that people will do to us what we allow them to and also that when we allow them to upset us, we are essentially giving them what they want. If we allow people to push our buttons, they will keep doing it.

It's extremely difficult to try to find the magic way to not allow them to get to us. BUT....just using a bit of different coping skills and at least altering our behavior by not giving them the responses they are looking for...can help to alter how much they do it to us. People will generally not continue behavior that is not getting them the results they are looking for.

I'm a big believer in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) rather than trying to analyze WHY we do what we do and why we allow others to upset us in certain ways. I mean, we could spend years on an analyst's couch or reading self help books....but time-wise, CBT is a much quicker way to get results, IMO. Instead of analyzing ourselves to death (because let's face it, we don't really change our unique personalities that much)......we change our behavior (slowly, mind you...in small steps) and then the positive reinforcement is being able to see that a change in our own behavior can get us a different and better response from others.

They say that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. The key is to try something different...with the general direction of the goal being to not let these various people upset you so much and push your buttons.

Now...to change the subject to dieting, Noelle....I'm pretty sure I'm a good bit older than you are (I'm 57) and the reason I mention this is that simply due to my age....and also due to a medication I was on a few years ago...my metabolism has altered a bit. Since you're younger, I'm not sure if your metabolism has changed much yet but I have found that this time around, I have had to do a much more spartan version of Atkins to get it to work. BUT...it's working great, Noelle....and SO worth it to keep seeing that scale moving down. And I am never hungry and almost have to force myself to eat the amount I'm supposed to....which is SO very different from my normal "hungry all the time" self.

I don't know if you're like me.....but for me, all the other nonsense going on in my life is secondary to my weight issues. I'm not even sure if this is the healthiest thing...but I just cannot seem to be totally happy when I'm unhappy with my weight. Unless I can get my weight under control...everything always seems to boil down to or to track back to that one issue for me. It's just very heavily tied to my self-esteem. And like I said...it may not be the healthiest outlook to have and maybe I should learn to be happy regardless....but it just doesn't work that way for me.

And believe me, I tried. But...it always came back to my weight. And once I realized this....I became determined to figure out how to fix that. And how to get this diet to work for me. And it took some time, but I did it. And you can too. BUT, like I told you earlier....you may need to alter how you did it in the past....and do a more spartan version this time. You CAN get it to work for you. This diet is very tricky....you have to understand HOW it works...it's a metabolic diet, not a calorie diet. It's like a careful scientific equation....change one little number and it won't work right. But follow the equation perfectly and it works miracles.....I'm telling you. Our metabolisms change as we get older and there IS a way to make it work for you.

I hope I'm not coming across as too aggressive an Atkin's cheerleader here. But I would LOVE to see this work for you. I have learned, from reading here, that other sorts of diets...calorie counting, etc...has worked amazingly for many here. But for me, they never worked and I was constantly hungry. I would love to see you be successful....and felt so bad when that food movers plan didn't work for you and you put it back in the drawer. I SO related to that happening...I can't even tell you. And I know how frustrating that is. It's that feeling of not having the control we had years ago...when diets worked so easily for us. It's literally "banging our heads against the wall" frustrating.

BUT...that was then and this is now. And we CAN get a diet to work for us...and just like changing the way we react to others...we have to change what worked for us in the past but no longer works. It CAN be done. You have no idea how long it took me to figure out how to make it work for me. In fact, I had almost given up, thinking my metabolism was just shot and there was no hope. But I realized that I just couldn't give up and that there had to be a way. Looking back, it looks so simple now. I don't know why I didn't figure it out faster. Maybe I was in denial a bit....I didn't want to give up my multiple cups of super sweet coffee that gave me so much solace every day. But boy, seeing that scale moving down and down and feeling the clothes getting looser and looser is well worth having to make a few concessions.......so the coffee isn't so ultra sweet anymore but a small price to pay, believe me. You MAY have to trade in the low carb pasta and the turtles.....and go back to the basics....but it will be worth it. Trust me.:)

Thank you Deena that was a really helpful post and I appreciate your words of wisdom!! I had to stop and read this a couple of times because it makes such good sense. Im anxious for Sunday and the start of a new month and some new goals. This month has been a wheel spinner and a thinktank month, emotions always run high for me during football season because Im confronted weekly with everyone and try to maintain my composure and not let on if I am agitated or whatever. Just tired of loving people more than they love me. I know this is unhealthy, I don't understand how people can be so down and dirty and I could never treat my children this way. What I need is some exercise and get my mind off of negative things and focus on good things and enjoying the day ~ Carpe Diem! Had a great day at work today and very productive and then my boys were both here for dinner tonight which was very nice! Its month end at work and I received a slew of files so I will be banging those out and working towards a good bonus I can so that November is a good month and I can go get the things I need and be turned around and going in a straight line forward. There is light at the end of the tunnel finally and anxious to get back in the boat and move forward instead of over the cliff and down niagra falls lol

I normally don't post in this forum, but saw the thread on the main page and took a look.
Noelle, take this for what it is worth (advice from a stranger may not be the best!)
I teach school and have raised three kids and have handled a lot of conflicts over the years. What I tell my kids at school now is "Don't give THEM the power". When you let other people "get to you", then you are giving them a power over you to control you, control your feelings etc. You are GIVING them YOUR power...letting it go to them. Keep your power to yourself. There is nothing you can do to control what other people do, but you CAN control how they affect you. Give it up to the universe or whereever and let the universe handle it. (I tell my kids at school to put that negative stuff in their hand and just throw it away in the air!) Concentrate on yourself and yourself only. When you do, then when other people try to take your power, they can't and will give up trying to do so eventually.

I went through a kind of nasty divorce years ago and just decided not to be involved in the drama. Just to raise my kids the best way I knew how and concentrate on being happy myself. The old life was the old life...over with. Just had to leave it in the past where it belonged. Got remarried about 17 years ago and just let the past go. Live for now and don't let old hurts drag you down and don't let new ones into your universe. You have a life that was given to you to make the most of, go have fun and enjoy it! Find interests that don't involve family that you have conflict with. Surround yourself with new people socially and make the new activities the focus of your world. Of course there are going to be unavoidable times when you run into people who cause you pain....just wall them out and tell yourself..."they are "out there" and not in my inner circle and can't hurt me. I won't let them!!"

I see my ex's family (who made my life miserable for years) from time to time like when my kids all graduated from college, but they see I'm a happy person, happy with my life and they are not a part of that life...just some people from the past. I say hello and just move on.

I realize that the people who are causing you pain are family and it's hard to avoid them. (like your Dad and his wife) But think of it this way. They CHOSE each other, that's their choice and they have to live with each other every day. If they also chose to want to leave you out of their circle, it may be a blessing in disguise. You don't have to deal with their drama. Leave them out of YOUR circle and find some peace within yourself. It's not a law that you have to have contact with family that hurts you. It's a chance of birth that you were placed together. You don't HAVE to accept that hurt from them.

That is an EXCELLENT post you wrote, femmecreole! I totally agree with everything you wrote....especially the part about giving/handing over your power to other people.

Noelle, it sounds like you have a son who's a champion football player and also that you have a close relationship with your sons. You are clearly a great mom. From my own perspective (in my own life) my sons and my relationship with them IS the most important thing. I lost my youngest at age 17 in an auto accident but I made the decision to get past that and to be there fully for my other two sons. I've asked myself....if I was on my deathbed, what would most matter to me? And the answer is to have been a good mom to my sons.

And you are doing that and have done that. That's what's important. Don't allow those others to make you feel "less than"......like femmecreole said, don't hand your power over to them. You do NOT have to......it's totally your decision. Just worry about your own side of the street, be happy that you are being the good mom you want to be. It's amazing, but children learn by what they see much more than by what people say to them. Have faith in your sons....they will be much more influenced by who you are and how you choose to live your life much more than by what anyone negative says to them. BE the person you want them to see.

And honey, if losing weight and getting healthier is going to make you feel better about yourself....DO it. And don't give up. Your sons will admire you for taking care of yourself and not giving up....and not letting others get you down or make you feel defeated or give up.

I went through a horrific time in 2005....my youngest son died and my alcoholic husband's drinking escalated and he became seriously threatening and abusive (even more than he had been)....and my other two sons convinced me to leave. And this is a very long marriage....almost 30 years. And I left with literally the clothes on my back. I'd gained 60 lbs. from medication I'd been put on after the death of my son...it was probably the WORST time of my life.

Since then, in incremental steps, I've taken my power back and conquered one thing after the other. I'm still a work in progress but believe me, just taking my power back has had an amazing effect on my grown sons....it's just unbelievable, really.
Sounds like a great movie, right? Believe me, it's not been a smooth, easy road. It's been very bumpy with many stumbles. BUT...just set goals and keep your focus on them. Do NOT hand your power over to other people...honestly, it just drags you down and distracts you from your purpose. It's a choice to allow others to do this to us. Sure, we can blame them for what they do to us....but does this help us? No. They are not going to change and fix everything.

YOU actually have the power. Don't hand it over and use it constructively. If you want help with dieting....we can help you. That's what this forum is for, I presume. It's definitely where I found the help and answers I was looking for.....how I managed to get half-way to goal already in just a little over 5 months. And you can too. Where do you want to be a few months down the road? Letting these people still upset you or making progress on your goals?

Think about it. Self-help books are great....but sometimes you just need to jump in and DO it. It's amazing how a little success can improve your entire outlook. It's time for the new you. Time to do this! Start focusing and let us/me know how to help you.

Dear Deena and Ms Creole lady you really did touch my heart with these last two stories. I can't believe the people reach out to help when you have had real losses in your own lives. It really means alot to me that people took their own time to do a kindness like this to someone you don't know. My life has been unsatisfying for a long time but never have I had to face the hurts that you have and thank you for reaching out to me. Thats what really struck me is that its so easy for me to be caught up in this story and all the details and just spin wheels going nowhere and oblivious to other people around me. I dont even remember the last time I cried, I just dont have time and a part of me is afraid I will lose it and fall apart if I do get really emotional, and then to see that my reality is very small compared to what other people have to face, and would I go that extra mile and try to help someone like you have, probably not because Im too focused on myself. Thank you for pointing that out to me without saying a word.

That has been the confusing part of dealing or not dealing with my parents, I know the suggestions and dont let people steal your power.. but I didnt know what to do, what action to take, what do I physically do to get this in motion and go about changing my behavior. I cant abandon my dad, he saved my life when I was a little girl and we have always been so close until the last 2 years when I put my foot down with my stepmother. Hes in a bad position and I know he is hurting and its the right thing to do to fix this, I cant be a christian and leave him behind and have no contact with him so that is out. That is not an option. But what I can do like you all have explained to me is get involved in a new lifestyle, surround myself with postive supportive people and make myself happy, take care of myself. They are still there, they are still in my life but not in the circle close to me, they are further back and not the focus. Thank you for pointing this out to me and suggesting tools and actions to take so that I know where to start and how to cope with it and deal with it rather than hide and wish it away. This really does mean alot to me and thank you so much.

Deena when you said just jump in and DO IT, I was like yea she is exactly right just get in motion and with that will come balance... I get it!!!

Hi Noelle,

Listen honey, you don't have to abandon your dad. In fact, you don't really have to DO anything...in the physical sense. Taking back your power means to not allow others to affect your own life negatively. It has more to do with outlook and perception. Let me go back to something femmecreole wrote here. She said that it was your dad's choice to marry your stepmom, remember?

Now...just a little analogy. I'm sure you've seen those shows on TV (Maury, Ricki Lake, etc.) where they have a guy who's cheating and the girlfriend, instead of holding the guy responsible, is venting all her anger at the girl he's cheating with. When the problem is that the guy's a cheater, not that this other girl happened to show up in his life. You've seen these, right?

Your father is an adult....and he chose this woman. It was his choice. And it doesn't mean that you can't still love your father or that you can't still be there for him as a daughter. But this stepmom is HIS problem, not yours. You are an adult now. And as adults, we are all responsible for our choices.

Noelle, the word "abandon" is a negative word. You do NOT have to DO anything negative. In fact, what I'd love to see you do is to feel LESS negative. Feel POSITIVE....and ultimately DO positive....for yourself.

Just spend a little time thinking this over. Like the women on those shows, who incorrectly vent all their anger at these women their men cheat with....you are very angry with this stepmom. Angry that she even had to come into your life. But the reality is that HE chose her and HE brought her into your life. Accept that and don't ALLOW her to rent so much space in your head. She's HIS problem, not yours. You are allowing her to make you feel angry and to make you feel "less than". That's handing your power over to her. Don't allow her to do that to you.

That does not mean that you have to do anything negative.....you do not have to abandon anyone. Take your focus off this woman and make peace with what others have done to hurt you or have not done to help you like they should have. The person who is going to make you feel positive and is going to make changes in her life to help her feel more positive about herself is YOU. These other people likely won't ever do what you think they should. Make peace with that. They won't likely realize the error of their ways and remedy them. That happens in movies but rarely in real life. They are who they are. You do NOT need to let that bring you down or make you feel negatively about yourself and about your life.

You've heard of co-dependency, right? This is where we become overly involved in the problems of others in order to take the focus off ourselves and our own problems. We blur the lines of what we're responsible for. Again, this woman is not your problem....she's your dad's problem. Focus on YOU and on your sons. They are not fully adults yet and they ARE your responsibility. And you are being a great mom and making sure you have a good and healthy relationship with them (despite this ex and his nonsense). Do the same thing with your dad....be the loving daughter despite this stepmom. She's not your problem....she's his problem. He's an adult and you're not responsible for his choices or for his problems.

Take your anger and your hurt and re-direct them to positive thinking. Focus on ways to make your own life better, to improve your own self-esteem. You have a lot to be grateful for despite all the terrible things that have happened to you. You have great sons, you have a great job. There are people out there who would love to have your life, rather than their own. Focus on what you would like to do to make your life even better.

You have to get yourself in the right "head-space" in order to be successful in a weight loss program. You have to rev yourself up and get motivated. REALLY think about WHY you want this for yourself. Put some time into thinking about the ways your weight negatively affects your life, your health, your self-esteem. You have to be serious about this...I'm telling you. It's a big commitment and you have to be committed to make it work. You don't want to be making multiple half-hearted attempts and failing....this will just cause you to feel defeated and will negatively affect your self-esteem.

I really would love to see you feeling better about yourself and being successful in a weight loss program. It might take you a few weeks to get yourself into the right head-space....a few weeks of really thinking about this and convincing yourself that you really want to do this. And that's okay. It takes what it takes.

Spend some time reading in the section here about the various diets. Think over which ones you think might work for you. That's a good first step. Make sure you understand the diet thoroughly so you don't spin your wheels down the road. If you choose a metabolic diet, it's critical that you totally understand how to do it the right way. Start thinking over how you want to do this. You CAN do this....I really do feel that.:)

Im done with my friendship with D that is enough. I just cannot stand the doom and gloom and she refers to our hometown as "Junk" in stead of Junction and I have two sons who won a state championship last fall in 6A football so no one dares to refer to our town as how are things in JUnk anymore.Our little town is referred to as Champtown now and I am very proud of that. And then she slipped up adn told me she was discussing the game and what went on last last week with my dad and my x husband all chummy having hot cocoa in the stands and then chimes in saying im sorry but your dad is a coward and a P.... I know she thinks she was helping or being supportive but it really infuriated me. I have to listen to that crap from my mother, and now to cross the line like that with me too herself... that was just too far and I dont care for her family that much myself but its none of my business to criticize them. I feel disappointed with my mom pretty often during football season because she gets uptight having to witness this and being confronted with these negative hurtful people every week and it is difficult for me too, but to outright call him names as if none of them ever had bad judgment and made poor decisions themselves. I shouldnt share my personal drama I guess with those closest to me and not expect a hard core reaction.



It makes me realize even more how careful I need to be around my own boys. They know I dont care for their dad anymore after what has happened these last few years. I was in my jeep one day with my youngest son and my mom and i had a blow out and I told her to quit saying horrible things about my dad, that I was sorry he hurt her and i know she has had a difficult time but he was MY father and I love him , and hes the only dad I will ever have in this world and the next one... so my son chimes in and says sadly mom thats exactly how I feel. And that was the end of it, I dont say mean or nasty things about their dad to them anymore as if they should be responsible for his actions. And it makes them resent me instead of him anyway.. I've lived this myself , my whole life, and I know how it feels to be volleyed back and forth between parents and loyalty issues and its exhausting. Im not perfect and at times I slip up sure but I am mindful of it and I really do try.



So gonna put on my "family armour" and go out to the big game tonight -- against our rivals and we have to win by 9 points to make it to the playoffs.. we were undefeated on a 22 game winning streak between two seasons until last week's loss so the pressure is on.. I have to admit it will be a relief to not have to have this in my face every Friday and it will be easier to focus on me and my little family. I remember how I used to go the the Y and do the eliptical trainer after work and usually my boys drove their truck up there with their friends and were stinky in the gym playing basketball when I walked by. I could see how proud they were of me walking by and they would all smile and acknowledge me and my kids would walk in sometimes to the little room and give me a hug if they were leaving before I was finished .. those little moments make me realize im not in this alone and the people I love most really do care and honestly support me.



I went and found a website called lifescript.com that teaches about CBT so I could understand what that was about. It's excellent and looks like especially for women. Thanks for mentioning that I will definitely take a closer look this weekend when Im home..



Also thank you again to my friends on my page here. I actually printed out your posts and highlighted through them they were so relevent and meaningful to me and theyre in my purse to read over when I get to going crooked off into a place that does not serve me.. Thank you again for sharing so much and maybe re-igniting this little flame in me that was totally blown out before I found this place. I cant tell you how much you have helped me and made me appreciate things so much more. It makes me feel like I have no excuses whatsoever because you have had to deal with so much more than any of us have and you found a way to survive and be productive by a choice. It holds us all to a higher standard so thank you for sharing your situation and Deena I am so sorry for your loss. You have really inspired me as well as countless others Im sure with your courage and your decision to live and be present for your children. Thank you for sharing.

Well we lost on Friday night on an unbelievable switcheroo and hearts were broken. Against our 100+ year rivals the score was 0 to 0 until the 4th quarter- they got a 3 point conversion and we scored and so it was 7 to 3 our lead-- everything rides on this game- we have the trophy, defending state champions, need to win by 9 points to make it to the playoffs next week and trying our darndest to score once more to get out of here with a won and those extra points to move on next week.. crushingly the clock is down to the final two seconds and were ahead...........

Manh QB throws the ball to the end zone and we intercept the ball and he's down in the touchdown line so game over we won....but no their player comes crashing into our guy down on the ground and the ball skips on to the ground so they get the freaking touchdown !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was un flipping real, it was surreal, I could not believe I just saw that happen-- so the call is so crazy that they put the time back on the clock for a do over and ..... they let them keep the touchdown.... so we go again clock runs out and game over... Talk about devistation to these poor kids and hearts were broken in disbelief.. So we lost the game, lost the trophy against our rivals, lost getting into the playoffs after a 22 game winning streak as defending state champs and these last two games were a fluke of bad calls by these crappy refs and just missing our mark... They were crying walking off the field and awwwww it was awful!!!!! I just said a quick prayer thank you God my baby still has one more year of high school football to get this back. I felt so sorry for the seniors as their last game to go down like this and the stands were booing and parents were cussing at the refs and just left in disgust because the play was over and that kid ran into our player after the clock was at zero.. but they called it wrong and cost us everything and ohhh what a night. My two boys were both on starting offense -- one at center and the other at right tackle-- last year on championship team and both of them were crying one in the stands with me and one on the field in disbelief.. It was so awful lol, these poor kids!!!!

My oldest son who was sitting two rows behind me with his dad and uncles and cousins waited for his mama with tears in his eyes and hugged me when we were walking down the bleachers leaving. It meant alot to me that he needed a hug from mommie. I'll post a photo of my two handsome babies and Im so proud of them.. Last night my younger son and his best friend were here to pass out treats with me and we ordered pizza and had a perfect full moon Halloween together and could not ask for more than that.

Personally, in a weird way, its always a relief when football is over for me because I,m confronted weekly with hurtful things and these cookoo family drama, just sad that its over so soon for my baby boy. Hes 6'4 and 292 so hes not a baby lol but he's my baby!! All the focus is on them and now things can calm down and focus on mom and getting me on the straight road now.

I had a ton of files and made a nice bonus yesterday to get me in a stronger position which is really great. I needed it and the stars lined up this month with so many files to do and right on time so I'm very happy about that..Im going to finish this year strong- I made a decision its my turn now and as of today Im on my plan for good.. Been a tough 2 years for me and im on the home stretch now and Im going to cross that line strong and happy and healthy.

Well I just called my boys to see if they could swing over for a minute and help me with my tv universal remote- its stuck and the only channels that come in are under 13 and I have expanded cable up to 70 and we changed the manual to only have those come in when we had basic.. I dont know how to flip it back.. so they are up at my dads having dinner with grama and grampa... I didnt have a reaction just ok well I do need you to come by just for a minute and take a look at this with me.. I could shoot nails out of my eyes this seems so wrong to me..

These are my parents my father and his hagorama and when we got into it two summers ago she picked the nastiest fight with me and I knew she was laying a trap for me and so I didnt egg it on and in fact I told her that I loved her and appreciated what she did for me- she says you dont love me and you dont ever need to call me mom again.. im like alright and I was asking her im confused I dont understand what I did that was so wrong here this doesnt make sense to me and she said something really nasty out of left field. Just whatever I did or didnt do while under her roof was under her skin and I totally disregarded that because it made no sense.. I had begged my mom to let me come stay with her because It just wasnt going well with my dad and her and my schedule with my kids was so sporadic it just disrupted their whole lives and not knowing what time or how many for dinner- I totally understood what was wrong and thats what pissed me off is why not just say that instead of being so flippant and nasty and having to blame me for it when I already had my whole life pulled out from under me.. we she kept going on and on and finally I said people who dont have children have no business raising other peoples kids and that how she said my mom was no different than an alley cat, that among a million other things but yes finally I lost my composure and let her have it right back.. It was because my mom said yes I could come stay with her and I told my dad myself when she was not around that I was leaving.. so she saved her two cents for me as I was making my way out the door that morning...

so once I was gone the next step was to smooze my kids- they gave my boys a dodge ram 4wd full size truck to share that is nicer than my vehicle.. All of a sudden grama and grampa were the nicest people on earth and they bought them all kinds of gifts and became close friends with their dad and my kids stepmother after just a month before my dad said he was a pitiful little mf.... and I have never heard my dad say that before.. They changed their tune a total 360 and went after my kids full force and completely wrote me off.. When we were downstairs that morning I said I dont know what Ive done here but I just want to leave and have things go back to the way they used to be-- she said things will never be the way they were before.. and she is that way very strong minded and what she says goes both at home and at her job and prides herself on once her mind is made up she doesnt look back.. She always prided herself on " I could be the kind of stepmother who didnt allow the kids in their fathers life" and like we were supposed to be grateful to her for having our father... My grandma said she was raised by savages and didnt know any better and that God knew what he was doing when he didn't give her children. She said about my dad that anyone who would let someone treat his kids that way didn't deserve children. But now Im the outcast and I have never done one thing to her, I would love to haul off and beat her *** just for this situation because what does it say to my boys? There must be something wrong with mom if grandma and grandpa dont like her and they never paid half as much attention to my kids until they got in football in high school, they never went to their games when they were younger it feels like all this smothering of attention is her spiting me. Sometimes I just do not know what to do because it hurts my feelings, it undermines my childrens respect for me, and they are confused and doubtful what to think about this situation because we were always there together before this blow out, their dad is just overjoyed to be vindicated in public by my father and her, and I cant even talk to my mom or my friends about this anymore because they call my dad bad names for not putting his foot down and demanding a resolution. They just say he is a spineless kept man and that does not help me at all because no matter what is going on I love and miss him very much. I call or text him at least once a week and it feels sometimes like Im the other woman, my mom says it is nauseating watching me wait like a puppy for some crumb of affection from him. Then like now I just feel humiliated and mocked and disregarded and I regret making any contact at all because it leaves me feeling completely rejected. I honest to God dont know what to do, this hurts so much and I do not feel that I am at fault but this has an affect on my kids. It makes no sense to them because grama and grampa are so wonderful.. they practically bought my kids..so I must be the trouble maker..

I dont understand what am I supposed to do, how do I process this and not give away my power whatever that is. I am dealing with a vindictive hard core dirty dog and she has not seen her own mother in 15 years and has a brother and a sister - 2 out of 3 siblings that she refuses to talk to or acknowledge so this is perfectly normal for her and now its spilled over into our family and my dad cant see that this is a mirror of her own family. He just is idle and turns a blind eye to it and if he sees me great, if he doesnt thats unfortunate, and life will go on regardless..

How do untangle my emotions from this and be strong and be happy. Im so damn happy football is over so I dont have to see her sorry *** every week and him too, sometimes I am more angry with him because he knows exactly what kind of person he is married to. He knows and choses to let her loose like a rabid dog snarling and chewing up his family.. They make me sick.

I am so happy to get my bonus confirmed so should be about 1300 extra dollars to get me turned around next Friday...This didn't happen without some permanent damage to my credit but hanging on since May and the child support fiasco It could have been ten times worse for sure. Well I was at my desk tryign to focus on my files and be productive and started bawling. What is wrong with me that I can't just let go of my father and not get turned inside out when they spend time with my children and exclude me. They know absolutely that I am against this and it bothers me and continue to do it. I feel stupid for hugging him at the football games and calling and sending texts to stay in touch. They make no effort to contact me whatsoever. I was even laid up in the hospital after having surgery and they live not even 6 blocks away and didnt come to see me. What is it about children when their parents break up and you have this rediculous attachment to the absent parent? I feel like I did when I was 5 years old missing my dad and just wanting to be around him and needing to know he loves me. I always knew he loved me and we were included in his life every other weekend and special holidays but what is it with girls and their fathers and why can't I snap out of this and process it like an adult. Its unhealthy and strange to have such a need for him in my life and to be so destroyed when he doesn't need me at the same level. I just worshipped my father, he was a tall dark handsome nice guy and I was so proud to be his daughter. My friends at school always commented about how handsome my dad was and it just meant everything to me to be around him and people to know he was my dad. I can remember having this sinking empty aching feeling in my chest when I was 5 and he moved out of our house and I would hear that song the goodbye girl on the radio and could not hold back the tears it reminded me of my father. What is wrong with me that this situation just cripples me emotionally and to be estranged from my dad and have him not come to my rescue when he can clearly see he is wrong. I just keep telling my self this is really deplorable and they are completely wrong and although I am very hurt Im not going to let it ruin my life. It kind of has because I feel myself building walls and not being open and affectionate with my kids, Its a natural reaction to have that urge to protect yourself but Im backing away from my children who have nothing to do with anything. I dont want to be a standoffish hermit and some wounded off closed heart weirdo but that's where Im at. I really want to make my peace with this and focus on my children and my own life and its just very difficult to know what to do, where do I go from here. I have read these messages over and over and made so much progress in my head and so many of my fears and apprehensions would be a mute subject if I was myself. Im afraid of rejection so I stay back in the wings and keep a low profile and be an outsider. I have to be confident and self assured and happy in myself and take my place no matter whose company I am in. I have this image in my mind of my oldest son becoming a father and were all at the hospital awaiting the good news and Im made to feel unwelcome and outnumbered because none of these people value me- my x, their stepmother who essentially has taken my place in their day to day life, my dad who is cordial and then walks off behind his praying mantis and her who would be happy if I drove off a cliff. Im outnumbered and unwelcome and this is my child and my family. What about weddings and baptisms, Im their mother and been completely stripped of respect and honor, and if I could go back to when I was 28 and newly divorced I would have been a total gym rat, lost every bit of my overweight and married up and better and had a new family by now and skipped over most of the drama of single motherhood. I think that is what I need to do now before it is too late for me. I need a new circle of people who support and care for me and happy interestes and supportive positive frindships because I'm surrounded by vipors right now who wouldnt care if I wasn't here and I need to be strong and take my place and make them deal with me instead of the other way around, instead of me running off to the corner with my shattered heart and hating everyone for not meeting my needs. My kids know where they stand with me and they can say anything and feel anything and it doesn't matter they know I love them and I always will no matter what. I look at myself and I am one of those gen x emotional cripples and how do I get out of this tailspin. I realize that my grandparents were the only stability I ever had in my entire life, my safe place, and theyre gone and at times feel that I have lost it a little bit. Maybe I am on the crazy side becuase I dont know how to protect myself, I end up the underdog usually always. What is it with people that you cant let go of your emotional attachments even at the expense of harming yourself and messing up your life... Why is this need so strong with me? and why do I allow myself to be hurt over and over and keep going back for more because its the right things to do. Honor your mother and father.. it also says fathers do not draw up anger in your children.. I think emotions have everything to do with weight, and food is absolutely a fix and a comfort when things seem so impossible.. I have been singing this song for so long I was mad when my stepmother was in my life because she did one nasty thing after another and I took it and kept silent to appease my dad and Im mad now because the floodgates opened and I finally said exactly how I felt and now they shun me and went after my kids with both barrells. This is ruining my life and why cant I just stop and let them go and focus on my own family. I'm mad that im even in this position and the choice I have to make is save me/lose my dad.. What do I have to do to save me and keep my dad other than channeling lizzie borden.. What can I do but make a joke out of it just to get through the day and keep going...



I heard that song by Rascall Flatts Why and I had to pull over to the side of the road with tears running down it totally stopped me in my tracks.. Wow what a meaningful song and they did a good thing and probably helped a lot of people with that one

Most of my journal here is a venting nightmare and sorry for blowing my stack so much in this high drama life of mine. I get so upset and can't seem to control my emotions, Im a journalism major and a life long journal keeper, writing is my relief and how I get things off my chest, work through them and make sense out of them, get it out of me so Its not eating away at my soul and spirit... It seems like if I was a transformer my name would be negatron, this is just crazy and so self defeating to hurt so much and take no real action to make it better. Im stuck and there is pain no matter what I do and so the only logical thing is to do exactly what you all have told me- work on my weight, work out, relieve stress, take care of myself and move this situation to the back of the list, its there, but I have more important immediate things to do right now. My mom is a diabetic, her family are all heavy people and in their older ages had amputations and things like that. I dont have the luxury of spending all my time in circles not taking care of my health. Im signing my own death warrant by engaging in this and making it so damn important, more important than my kids, my job, my health and my other family members who love and value me. I dont understand why I do the things I do but this is pointless... I see this now, nothing I have done or said or tears rolling down my cheeks has made one tiny dent in my progress, its almost me sabotaging myself and using it as an excuse for not taking the reins and control over my life and my health..

Some great news.. I have 70 channels of cable as of yesterday and my son helped me get it all going. Its a massive baby step back to the land of the living. I have not sat in my own living room in my own chair and flipped channels cozy under a blanket chilling out since Feb 2007. Two and a half years of being a fish out of water, and it is so wonderful to have this little luxury back and my computer too. I have come so far and had such a crappy road to travel for awhile, alone and mad, and here I am still standing and life is enjoyable again, just over a silly tv but it's wonderful. After a rotten day on the job or whatever to come HOME and lock the door shut off the phone and just relax in peace and quiet and do exactly as you please. I never knew how much that meant to me until it was gone and there was no home to go to. I am so grateful for this moment and Im proud of myself for getting here even if it was on a wing and a prayer

~Feeling like ****, headachey, fat as a hog, miserable, itchy I need my allegra for my allergies, my depression is honestly a level ten feels like Im buried under troubles. I made a huge bonus and got all of it credited so Im anxious for payday next week. All my stuff is beyond late so its going to cost me greatly but just to be at par, and build from there. Ive had nothing but trouble since May and child support going haywire and just left me feeling beat down and like Im held down with a boot to my throat. Im sick of being without and Marty living high and large skating off of me while I dont even have groceries to feed my kids. Im exhausted and seems like I will never get to Paris, my own dreams seem rediculous right now Im still in survival mode. As difficult as it is, the truth is none of this negative talk and depression is getting me a centimeter towards my goal. Ive been very unhappy and going through **** for 6 months, been on the weight loss board for 5 weeks and not lost one pound and kept it off. Im just going in circles and its just not fair to me. .... Tomorrow is a new day, Im starting atkins and officially going low carb for good. I weigh 360, that is unreal, I used to weigh 173 walking across the parking lot looking and feeling pretty -- but full of self doubt and inferiority even back then, I didnt even know that those were my golden years.. all I knew is my dad was embarassed of me because I was a "big" girl and I had a total complex because I looked just like my moms size and he divorced her because she was fat. I grew up to look just like her and to this day I just cant believe Im lovable until Im skinny. Its very sad to do that to a young girl but Im not her anymore Im 40. I am ruining my life by making this disappointment so important. Maybe I even seek out abusive people and partners because they keep this feeling of inadequacy alive. I have no use for people who treat me good, debbie and dawn for example. Its sick. My thinking is sick and poisoned against me.



~I think what I need is to lighten up on myself and quit beating myself up and hurting. This is my life and Im smack in the middle of a dark moment. I know this is wrong and I have been wronged and stuck in a cage with a wild animal who intends in everyway to do me harm any chance he gets because the kids are entirely his now and in the future if Im gone. How does it feel when people wish you were not here and deliberately set out to cause harm any way possible. My own father doesnt defend me, hes got too much to lose. Im put in here in this circus with all these freaks. People whose behavoir I cant comprehend because its so shallow and the opposite of a love your neighbor mentality. Sure they are friendly and have made friends with the one person who has hurt me deeply and its not out of being nice or good hearted its out of spite towards me. I went a wrote a 6 page letter of nice things about my stepmother because I was so hurt by their actions and it hurt me to hear the horrible things people said about my dad. I thought well it would be different if I tried to make amends and he still stood by and let her shun me. So thats what I did, tried to make my peace, and still here we are and the more they ignore me and exclude me the more disgusted I am with him. She did not even say thank you, they told my brother about this incredible 6 page letter and mothers day card from me but not a word of thanks or acknowledgement to me. I tried to save our family, I put what was right above my pride and it got me nowhere. He reaches out but she just stands there and glares hateful, and myself, I cant stand the sight of her. But shes tight with my kids, bought them everything under the sun to secure their place in their lives, their "new relationship" without me, and to prey on children, who only see things at face value and not the underhanded self serving motive behind it, its the worst of parenting, it's sleezy. My grandma was right about her. God knew what he was doing when he didnt give her any children..



~So yes I did try to mend our family by myself with an act of genuine kindness and forgiveness and even took the blame myself for the sake of family and still am being rejected. My dad came and said hello to me in the bleachers in the first game but that was it. Its just not as important to them as It is me and after all these years of me feeling not good enough this really the point where I just go the other way. The love is there but I did the right thing and was still rejected so this really is not my problem anymore. I wont always be the underdog, broke and going without. It will not always be like this unless my life is cut short because of me not taking care of myself. Im waiting for my life to start and smack in the middle of **** right now and for a long time. Im not going to rise like a phoenix and take my place if Im not here. I have to put this on the back burner and in the dim light for now and focus on me and making progress towards my goal or I wont be here. 360 pounds is rediculous and flat out crazy. And it's put on by one pound here and two pounds there just like it comes off. Feel down, get something to eat thats full of carbs and comfort, sit in the chair, make excuses, relax and the night rolls right on by, day after day, month after month and the truth is I chose to live like that, feel sorry for myself and live under an umbrella in the storm instead of getting up and using what tools I have to make it better. I have disco sweat, tae bo, turbo jam, bellydancing, sweating ot the oldies, jane fonda, power 90, the ten minute trainer yea baby Ive got it all- even a ballet video and yoga although I can't bend well at all because of this caboose in the way. I have all these exercises leslie sandstone walk fit, all of it.. and there they sit collecting dust while I feel sorry for myself.. I did this to myself, I grabbed the hammer out of their hands and beat myself with it that is the saddest part of my boo boo sob story.. Just gotta get up and get going -- The baby steps and the little wins do count and add up to real results--you dont lose weight twenty pounds at a time and you dont gain it that way either it creeps off just like it creeps on. I think I am finally desperate enough and disgusted enough with myself and my choices that I'm ready to do this now.

I had a great first day today, everything just worked out for me and Im so grateful for that. Reading a book called Your best life now and its just what I needed for a new start. Im off at noon tomorrow and looking forward to the 78 and sunny weather Fri and Sat here woo hoo! It feels good to have hope and excited about a new day and Im finding a little power too when uncomfortable thoughts creep in... I need to take care of myself now, I might not love the actions but I love the people and a disappointment doesnt have to ruin your life. Im self talking myself out of a rant which is good and able to stay focused and level. Proud of myself today

I really liked this article:

Learning to Love Yourself
Before you can share your love with someone else, you have to first love yourself. But what does that mean and how do you get there? Try these exercises and see how how easy it is to be your own best friend.

There’s an old adage that says in order to love someone else, you first have to love yourself. This is an important truth, but what does loving yourself really mean? Well, remember that the word “love” is a verb. So just as your actions show your love for someone else, it’s important to actively do things to love yourself.

Make a List of Things you Like About Yourself
Sometimes we focus so much on what we’d like to change about ourselves that we actually forget there’s a lot to like as well. So take a few minutes and remind yourself of the positives you can be proud of. Think of physical attributes, mental or emotional strengths, successes you’ve experienced, the way you support your friends, or anything else. Make your list as long as possible, and then keep adding to it.


Ask Others to add to your List
Go to the people you trust—a friend, a romantic partner, a therapist, a family member—and ask them what they’d list as your most positive characteristics. You may be surprised to find out that people see a lot more of your strengths than you realize.

Treat yourself like a Best Friend
You know how you treat someone you really care about? The way you love and support that person and treat him or her with kindness and respect? Do that for yourself. And just as you’d challenge a close friend who’s making bad decisions with his or her life, challenge yourself as well. Just as you would for a good friend, remind yourself over and over again of your immense worth as an individual and that you deserve great things in your life. Challenge yourself to achieve the best life possible.

Pay Attention to your Needs and Desires
This may sound a bit silly, but some people really don’t know what they want and need. They can go through their entire adult lives living only for others without stopping to ask the question “What do I want here?” or “What’s best for me?” One of the best ways to love yourself is simply to pay attention to what it is that you want and need—in your job, in your relationships, in your friendships, and in your whole life.

Protect Yourself
When you love yourself, you’re much less willing to let someone take advantage of you or to have toxic people in your life. Refuse to be the kind of person who so desperately wants to be loved that they’ll put up with anything in a relationship. You’re worth more than that. Protect yourself from people who don’t have your best interest at heart, and choose not to allow yourself to be treated in unloving, disrespectful ways.

Listen to your Self-Talk

Repeatedly calling yourself an idiot or a loser is one of the least loving things you can do for yourself. So today, right now, commit to making your self-talk positive. Maybe take the list of things you like about yourself and repeat some of those attributes as you move through the day. When you do make a mistake, be generous with yourself, and instead of telling yourself how stupid you were to lose your keys, just say, “Oh, well. It happens. Everyone loses things from time to time.” As you talk to yourself, don’t say anything you wouldn’t say to someone else you love.

Take care of your Body
You don’t have to become a marathoner or a supermodel. But do your best to be healthy. Few of us eat exactly as we should or exercise as much as we ought to, so there’s no reason to beat yourself up over not being perfect. But taking small steps to take care of yourself physically is one of the best ways to show yourself love. By treating our bodies well, we send ourselves the message that we deserve good things.

Take Care of your Inner Life
Don’t neglect your spirit. Slow down from time to time and pay attention to what’s going on within yourself, where you’ll find all kinds of reserves to draw on when you need strength and support. Taking the time to pray, meditate, connect with others, and read meaningful books can nourish our love for ourselves and enrich our lives in many ways.

Show yourself Compassion

Be willing to forgive yourself, and be patient as you grow. All of us make mistakes, and we all have certain shortcomings that make it easy for us to get down on ourselves. But remind yourself that you’re only human. There’s no reason to expect perfection. When you make a mistake or notice something about yourself that you don’t like, don’t judge or harshly criticize yourself. Instead, be compassionate and remind yourself that you’re doing your best.

Live in the Now
This isn’t always easy to do, but one powerful way to love yourself is to focus your energy and attention on the present moment. Don’t dwell on the past, with all the painful regrets that might exist there. And let go of the future, with all its crippling concerns and anxieties. Then invest yourself in appreciating all the good in your life right now; pour yourself into the present moment and make the most of who you are right now.

Keep in mind that loving yourself isn’t selfish. Think of the heart, which pumps blood to itself first before sending blood out to the rest of the body. Similarly, the more loving you are to yourself, the more love you’ll be able to send out to the other people in your life—your family, your friends, and the people you date.

When you get right down to it, love’s not a feeling, it’s a decision. So make a choice right now to love yourself and to work on loving yourself more fully day after day.

And this was very helpful in explaining:

Love is a decision. Make the decision to love yourself in every moment--unconditionally--no matter what. Act and speak only in loving ways to yourself. If you have a child or a very dear friend then use your relationship to them as an example and never say or do anything to yourself that you wouldn’t also say or do to them! Love yourself for being who you are, doing what you do, saying what you say, thinking what you think, and feeling what you feel. When you do that, you make space for yourself to be, do, think, feel, express, and accept yourself as you are.

What you are unwilling to love in yourself becomes like a hard spot and is walled off, difficult to touch or reach--and when you love those harder to accept aspects of yourself, it becomes soft and easier to reach. When you find a therapist who is well suited to you and your particular needs, you will begin to soften the hard spots in you, to heal the wounds and traumas that have hurt you, and you will be able to take in the love you have always deserved.

Some people have been so hurt that they need an experience of someone else being able to love them unconditionally before they can love themselves. Therapy is based on a relationship of trust—mutual trust--and can help support and guide your efforts to examining and then letting go of self deprecating beliefs. And in that regard, therapy can be thought of as the means to giving yourself the greatest gift of all: Learning to love yourself!

January 4, 2009 by BlondieWrites



Low self esteem isn’t a rare thing among the human population. A surprisingly high number of people suffer from low self esteem. Often a person who has a low self esteem doesn’t love themselves, making the feelings even worse.

Low self esteem stems from a variety of issues. A person might have been ridiculed often as a child by their parents. Perhaps the person has felt that no one really understands them. Maybe the person was made fun of by other children over something like a speech problem. Whatever the cause, low self esteem can cause the person suffering from it to not only not love themselves but to feel like they aren’t good enough, that they don’t count, or that no one really loves them.

Sometimes, though not always, the person with low self esteem will lash out at others in a vain attempt to try to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves up. They feel the need to try to make another person feel as bad or as low as they feel in order to try and make themselves feel better. This attempt seldom works however, because they have failed to address the issue or issues that have them feeling so low to begin with. Attempting to bring another person down not only fails in bringing the other person down, it only makes the one suffering from the low self esteem feel worse and want to lash out even more.. They continue to seek a way to make someone else feel bad so that they don’t feel bad.

And the cycle continues because they are still suffering from low self esteem and they still don’t love themselves. There is an alarming number of people that even resort to cutting themselves in an attempt to feel better about themselves, seeking some measure of control over something they cannot control. But the cutting doesn’t make anything better, because again, the issues causing the low self esteem have not been faced or addressed.

Building your self esteem and learning to love yourself isn’t all that difficult, but it does take effort on your part. Start by realizing that no amount of downing another person will resolve whatever issues are plaguing you. To try and berate others doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It only keeps you in the cycle of low self esteem and prevents you from healing and loving yourself.

There will always be negative people with negative behaviors, and chances are they will project that negative energy onto you. A person with low self esteem will often take to heart anything negative thrown at them, and sink even lower. Rather than allow someone to make you feel bad over their bad behavior, consider the source that the bad behavior is coming from. Are their negative actions towards you really about you at all? Or are the negative actions simply a projection of their own feelings of low self worth? When you determine that it’s not even about you, but rather about them, then you can easily deflect the issue and not allow it to bring you down.

Begin each day by thinking of one thing that you really like about yourself. This can be your hair, your compassion for others, your ability to make others smile, or that you make a great pot of chicken and dumplings. As you do this each day and discover things about yourself that you like, you will begin to feel better about yourself, and your self esteem level will rise. And before you know it, you will find that you actually not only like yourself, but you love yourself too.

Enlist the help of those that love you to help build your self confidence. Those that know you best and care for you are the ones that can help you see how special you truly are. Remember that someone who really knows you has most likely seen you at your worst and they didn’t leave. These are the ones that can help you to build your self esteem.

When your mind has been conditioned to believe that you are no good, that you have no value, that you are worthless, then you will believe these things about yourself. A child who is told enough times that they are stupid will eventually believe that they are indeed stupid. Their low self esteem will carry into adulthood.

You can rebuild your self esteem by reversing the effect. If you tell yourself long enough that you are of value, that you do matter, that you do count, that you are indeed a beautiful person, that you are important, then eventually you will believe this to be true. Your self esteem level will rise, you will find yourself loving you.

Replacing the negative and bad thoughts with good and positive thoughts will soon leave no place for the negativity. Some people might need to constantly work at keeping their self esteem level at a high level. For others, once the issues are worked through that brought your self esteem down, you have it made.

Building your self esteem up will not only make you a happier person and give you peace, it will improve your relationships with others. It will also allow you to better see people who seek to only to bring you down by trying to berate you so that you can eschew from those types of people.

Whatever the issues that causes a person to feel so low, there is a way out. Facing whatever caused you to feel this way opens the door to healing. Knowing that words do not make you who you are, that another’s opinion of you doesn’t make you who you are, and that those who care are right there with you can help you to have high self esteem. Love yourself, you’re unique!

Im anxious to get to the end of the week and turn over a new leaf. Ive been pretty strapped since May and I had planned a fun weekend to go to TJ Max and get some clothes and shoes for myself in June.. still waiting to go and be able to do this. Its really put a strain on me and not being able to do one single thing with my kids, no dinners out, no movies, absolutely nothing but stay home and watch tv.. its gotten old. I didnt go anywhere this weekend, no gas, no money, nothing and feeling the blues like never before. Kinda hope in my heart that my dad might text me or something which never happens. The only contact between us is what I initiate and that is really hurtful to me. Im very tired of these negative relationships and how they make me feel. I have it coming from every direction and taken a real toll on me, I dont mean to but I feel older, I feel old as if my best time is behind me, its a crippling feeling to be on the outside looking in and wanting a life that doesnt seem to want me. I wonder how will I ever have a normal relationship with a man, a healthy loving relationship when I have such a sadness over my father. The trust that has been broken, the personal violations and anger I feel down deep, its overwhelming sometimes. I try to be positive and stay focused but down deep it hurts very much. Its natural to remember the good times and comes back each time to how could you do this to me? I feel myself holding back with my own children, Ive experienced so much raw pain in my life and I hate to say those words because people say that about my mom.. shes had a hard life.. and I never wanted to be known as that but I really have. Im going to really focus on connecting with my kids, and respecting myself, being important and feeling important towards myself. I cant control the hurtful behavoir people act out, I cant make them be how I think they should be but I can be a loving supportive and more positive mom. Theyve seen me be the underdog and the have not for most of their lives and I am really sick of that role. I did not cheat on my plan since I have started. Im really proud of myself for keeping the faith.

Im taking good advice and finished chapter one of my novel!!! Im officially a writer and how about that!!! Its what I love, something just for me to fill my time with productive endeavors and positive hobbies to make me happy. No telling how or when this will turn out but im doing what I love and its so fun to be creative and use imagination. To be in your element and focus on good things, a welcome change! Nice to keep my hands busy too and not shoving food down my throat lol

I had a heart to heart reality check last night after talking to my mom and I dont want to go through my life being depressed and down no matter what might be going on. This crap has really run its course and I did a little test today, as soon as my feet hit the floor this am I decided Im going to be happy today and not entertain any drama from the folks. Got to work and even put a reminder on my outlook calendar that pops up every hour saying NO! Not today! This day is for me! As in im taking a time out from dwelling on bothersome things and just focusing on what is right, change my state, get a grip, put my priorities in order, tomorrow or the next day I can run it through my brain but not today- this day is for me.. So every time a negative thought or some memory or hear a song that reminds me of my dad or whatever comes on I could feel my triggers going off and getting agitated and I would yell in my mind NO! Not today! and I ended up putting 17 marks down today on my paper. That many times in 8 hours at my desk so what every half hour? I realized that Im obsessed or a co dependent as was mentioned before and all that time and energy handed over is pointless especially when there is nothing reciprocated back to me at all- and I have so much to be happy about. So I made myself change my focus and everytime some bs drama memory popped up I refused to think about it and wrote out things I am genuinely grateful for. My list was long and happy and I had a great day today. I took back my energy and put it where I said it belonged- on my kids. Had a great day today and I made real progress into figuring out how to change and and this little action really did make a huge difference. Im going to do it tomorrow too for my holiday and have a great day. Im young and totally healthy, no pain, I have many family members who really love and care about me and so much to build on. Im happy I sort of woke up today and although Im not going to take any drastic action or eliminate things or people outright I figured out today how to not let those little ankle biters whatever they may be, suck the life right out of you. It feels good to be in charge of my emotions and my thoughts. This is kind of called the tony robbins ten day challenge to allow no negative thoughts for ten days- refocus your attention each time and if you stay in a negative place longer than 2 minutes then you have to start the day over. Kind of like that and completing the ten days they say is life changing. This is my first attempt at it and it made a nice difference for me today.

Stand - Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright



You'll be alright

Chorus:

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

2.

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Chorus:

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

Yeah then you stand.

Bridge:

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Ooohhh

Chorus:

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

Yeah then you stand.


I love this song wow!

Web MD Borderline Personality Disorder - Symptoms

A person with borderline personality disorder often has unstable

relationships, low self-esteem, and problems with impulsive behavior,

all of which begin by early adulthood.

People who have this disorder often have experienced significant

childhood trauma, such as sexual, physical, or emotional abuse;

neglect; or early loss of or separation from a parent. When this trauma

is combined with certain personality traits, such as reacting poorly to

stress or having problems with anxiety, the risk for developing

borderline personality disorder increases.

A common feature of this disorder is fear of being left alone

(abandoned), even if the threat of being abandoned is not real. This

fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those around you and

may cause you to become too dependent on others. Sometimes you

may react to the fear of being abandoned by rejecting others first

before they can reject you. This erratic behavior can lead to troubled

relationships in every area of your life.

People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at

least five of the following symptoms. They may:

Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
*Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating

between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
*Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
*Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant

spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners,

substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or

cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning

himself or herself.
*Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings,

including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings

usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a

day or two.
*Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The

person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without

reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.

Not everyone who has five or more of these symptoms is diagnosed

with borderline personality disorder. For a person to be diagnosed

with any personality disorder, the symptoms must be severe and

must go on long enough to cause significant emotional distress or

problems functioning in relationships or at work.

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder are not caused by

another medical condition or by medicines. And they are not a result

of long-term substance abuse problems. Borderline personality

disorder may be confused with other conditions with similar

symptoms, such as other personality disorders, including antisocial

personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.

Suicidal behavior
Suicidal behavior is common in people with borderline personality

disorder, with close to 10% of those with the disorder completing

suicide.4 Your risk of suicidal thoughts or attempts increases if you

have depression along with borderline personality disorder. But you

can reduce your risk for suicide by treating symptoms of both

conditions.

Other conditions that commonly occur with borderline personality

disorder continued...
Other mental health conditions commonly occur with borderline

personality disorder and need treatment also. These other conditions

can make it hard to distinguish borderline personality and can

complicate treatment. Conditions that frequently occur with

borderline personality disorder include:2, 1

Depression or other mood disorders (for example, dysthymic

disorder).
Eating disorders, especially bulimia nervosa.
Substance abuse problems.
Bipolar disorder, which is depression with episodes of mania.
Panic attacks or panic disorder.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Other personality disorders can occur in addition to borderline

personality disorder. A few of these conditions include:

Histrionic personality disorder, which causes excessive emotional

reactions, attention-seeking behavior, and dramatic behavior.
Avoidant personality disorder, which causes a person to avoid

interaction with other people, especially if the interaction involves a

new activity that may prove embarrassing.
Antisocial personality disorder, a condition that involves a pattern of

disregard for or violation of the rights of others.



Borderline Personality Disorder - Topic Overview
What is borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that causes intense

mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with

relationships and self-worth. People with this disorder often have

other problems such as depression, eating disorders, or substance

abuse.

Most of the time, signs of the disorder first appear in childhood. But

problems often don't start until early adulthood. Treatment can be

very hard, and getting better can take years. This is because problems

with emotions and behaviors are hard to improve. But treatment may

work better than experts used to think. Most people with severe

symptoms get better over time.

What are the symptoms?
Everyone has problems with emotions or behaviors sometimes. But if

you have borderline personality disorder, the problems are severe,

repeat over a long time, and disrupt your life. The most common

symptoms include:

Intense emotions and mood swings.
Impulsive behaviors that are self-damaging, such as substance abuse,

binge eating, and reckless driving.
Relationship problems.
Low self-worth.
A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned).
Aggressive behavior.
Other symptoms may include:

Feeling empty inside.
Problems with anger, such as violent temper tantrums.
Hurting yourself, such as cutting or burning yourself.
Suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
Feeling suspicious of others for no reason (feeling paranoid) or losing

a sense of reality.

What causes borderline personality disorder?
About 2 out of 100 people have borderline personality disorder. But

experts don't know exactly what causes it. Problems with chemicals in

the brain that help control moods may play a role. The disorder also

seems to run in families.

Often people who get it faced some kind of childhood trauma such as

abuse, neglect, or the death of a parent. The risk for getting the

disorder is higher when people who had childhood trauma also have

problems coping with anxiety or stress.

Borderline personality disorder is a situational condition most often

caused by significant trauma or sexual, physical or emotional abuse in

childhood. It's found to be the result of a highly unvalidating

childhood environment. It is a learned normal reaction to abnormal

people and the patient must learn new skills as an adult to manage

their lives and relationships.

Treatment includes: Counseling, anger management, exercise for an

increase in seratonin, spiritual training, and as a last resort

medication. Medication is usually not productive for a BPD as it

inhibits the patient from obtaining coping skills to manage situational

stress. It is most often prescribed to a borderline personality disorder

patient to manage depression.

Had an excellent holiday today ~ set my little timer and cleaned my bathroom so nice all the lighthouses and stuff in there but I broke my princess house perfume bottle which ugg those are discontinued so cant get it replaced for half price which pisses me off- I used to sell it and had two of them actually from my sample kits and now both are gone aww. Im so excited for Friday to be in the game again and not upside down and doing without. I made it from April to November and still got my own place, no harm to my credit it all worked out, insurance is in place and all is ok. Its unbelievable how I got that to all come together and it cost me alot of fees in my bank but im back at the starting line now instead of 50 feet below digging out. Im exicted for christmas and being able to unpack all my beautiful things, none of my halloween pretties were ruined in storage so Im hopeful about my gobs of christmas stuff too! It will be nice to get on amazon and shop a little, I love Oscar Wilde hes the leader of the outcasts like me lol and his movies and documentaries are on amazon used and there is a lotion called bloom energy that is the most fabulous smelling wonder ever. It smells like sweet tarts on your skin and it is my absolute favorite silky healthy lotion. Watching cmas, happy as a clam, getting geared up to have some breathing room and buy healthy groceries and get this train a rollin!!!

Ten years ago right now I was 230 pounds, happy and had a hot italian man and going out to the club every weekend dancing and just being young and free and 30. It was the time of my life and I had a life every Friday night when I was on my own and kids with their father and Saturday and Sundays were our special days to be a mommy. Then I got hives right now and gained 70 pounds by christmas on prednisone. With the exception of last summer I spent ten years weighing more than 300 and what a struggle to get that off and I was so happy and felt good last summer, at 270 seeing a glimpse of the old me and so excited to be in tghe mirror again. I made up my mind today that this is it. I can't take anymore of this and Its going to take massive action right now to get myself in line.


I had my last meal tonight just like when we left kiowa court nearly 3 years ago.. Bulgogi, egg rolls, crab rangoon, and some candy. It tasted fabulous, indulgent, dreamy good and I loved every bite of it and tomorrow is the real deal. Im getting my fattt paycheck tomorrow to get in the green and off at noon on Friday the 13th to rock and roll. Its all working out and it feels so great. Its a new day tomorrow and no more bull****ting myself, it is on at 12 pm tonight and when the clock strikes 12 I am stepping into my new healthy life.

Horray for Friday the 13th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am more committed than ever before to go 100% full out on my french low controlled carb plan and if the WHY'S are strong enough you will find a way.

*Because my circulation is so bad in my right leg due to pregnancy vericose veins- it falls asleep no matter what position I am in and will not get any better, only worse. I am at high risk for blood clots and stroke absolutely I learned from my surgery and even had to wear those massagers on my legs post gallstones surgery.

*If I gain any more weight I will not live to be a grandmother. I won't live, I will die. In a casket, with an autopsy and harvested organs, I will be gone and it will be my own fault. I won't be here with my children.

*I cannot get any heavier ever in my life, 360 pounds is a crazy high for me and I am a walking heart attack right now. I am miserable at this weight, I can't stay here and I cannot go up ever for the rest of my life. It has to come off. It is not fair to punish myself by being fat, alone, and sad after everything I have gone through. I love myself and I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside towards myself in my heart. I am a fabulous, loving sensitive smart and excellent lady and people cannot see me. Im buried alive under obesity. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I dont need to hide my heart away and keep it safe and eat away my feelings. I have survived divorce, humiliation, being a single mother and raising my kids entirely by myself with no man or protector in our house at night, financial devistation, and then the loss of the time with my children and ability to parent them and connect with them to the person who did this to me, it doesnt get much more rediculous than that and Ive lived it. I have survived it all and Im ready to take a huge step and be myself and not conceal myself anymore. Its like you spend so much effort as a young woman to cover up your perceived flaws and fit in and belong and be accepted and conform and at 40 its like an onion completely buried and I cant get these strips away from me fast enough now, I want it all off and gone. I want to be exactly who I am, and my shortcomings make me human and beautiful and real. I'm proud of myself and my life and my career.

*My attention must be on myself and my health now. All of my energy needs to be focused on my health. Im high risk for breast cancer, diabetes and amputations because of my leg.

*Im strong and not riddled by negative relationships any longer. This is my chance to really shine and sparkle and be the superstar I never had the boldness to be until now. I was insecure and completely self conscious even when I was 5'10 and weighed 170 and that is a perfect healthy 25BMI because my family put it to me that I was huge like my mother and my dad was ashamed of me because I wasnt a petite fashion plate, I was a big girl and that didn't go over well. My stepmother told me ..just being honest.. that nobody wants a fat girl.. And in my mind until I could reach that magic shape or weight I did not ever believe anyone loved me until I could be perfect. My dad divorced my mother because she was a big woman after having two children, she was fat.. and he blamed it all on her.. at at 5'9 she never weighed over 180 pounds during their marraige. I grew into a young woman the spitting image of my mother and my self image was ruined before I ever even knew what that was. And I threw away true love because I didnt believe I was lovable, I was never happy just to be me. Never, for one day in my life was I "enough". My glory days were spent in total self doubt and ignorance because I believed what I was told at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19.. I was always plagued by a crushed self image, and when people mis treated me, I felt like I must deserve it, and I did not have the knowledge or skills to snap out of it, I just ate to soothe my hurt feelings and I have a lifelong habit, crutch and comfort of emotional eating.

*I believe it is not too late for me, I believe I can still get healthy and even wear a halter top or swimming suit. I have emotionally ate my emotions away my entire life and never made any waves out of fear my dad would abandon me, which he has now and Im still here and bright and strong and now I have a mind of my own and can do things my way and no ones opinion matters at all but mine. I have minimized all negative abusive relationships in my life and outlasted all of it. It's truly my time to shine and time to be a total gym rat and blossom.

*The gym or Y is something I can share with my kids too- they're proud of me and love me no matter what I weigh. They are very concerned with my weight though and encourage me to go to the gym again like we used to.

*I can modify every single thing I love to be low glycemic and low impact on blood sugar. Low carb ice cream, dark cacao chocolate, lots of nuts, carob covered nuts or raisins, root beer floats, macadamias, hot cocoa, hot drinks, steak, salad, cheese, brie cheese on cheese crisps with olives or any garnish, I have all the atkins cookbooks, I have the better homes and gardens low carb cook book, I have the french diet cook book, I have it all, I have the carb counter pocket books, I have all the tools, and the sincere drive to do this, and the time. I can have cucumber salad, hot spiced tea, pimento cheese and rinds, jello, pudding, creme brulee, splenda, Im not missing out on food so there is no way to feel honestly deprived.

*I need love in my life, my love story, my special someone, need to feel like a girl, be feminine, sexy, confident, happy and friendly. I shy away from people, I dont like crowds or talking in front of people, I dont like social situations and that is because I am self conscious and insecure in myself. My entire identity is tied up in my weight and size, right or wrong it is, and life works better and I am happier when I am slimmer.

*I will have more money now to buy good food, shop for myself and attend more movies, malls, outdoor things, I can participate instead of just watch and it will get easier and able to be more in the moment as I get healthier.

*I know its corny but I feel very sad for Princess Di because everything that happened to me happened to her too and Im inspired by the way she made the best of it. She lost the upper hand with her children too after the divorce, they stayed behind without her and their relationship was redefined from that time forward and they loved and adored her more. It is hard and at times probably brutal for her but it can be done with strategy. Go to the gym, do the best you can, go with life, get involved, take your place as their mother, participate, be heard, dont conceal how you feel, be tactful and be a lady. Go about your life, your life, and include your children whenever possible as often as possible. I just love her and feel so sorry that she was cheated out of her new life and happiness she found on her own.

*Because I am still me and I deserve to be very happy.

*Because its the springtime of my years and for once I want a massive harvest in the fall, physically,emotionally, spiritually and financially. And we only get so many springs, Im working on my 41st, how wild is that?

*Because I have the means to afford a nicer house, vehicle and travel and none of it is possible without my health.

*Because I want to go to Hawaii and Savannah Ga with my boys!

*Because I still want Paris, I want to travel everywhere and be fit and healthy and open to love.

*It's time for a brand new life, a new road. I have the time, energy and desire to really work on my health.

*I will not go to my sons graduation or senior night over 235 pounds and embarass myself. I was at 260 at my oldest sons graduation and completely mortified, I was embarassed of myself and I know they were too. I will not weigh this crazy weight at 41 years old and I need massive action, a massive new lifestyle and go for it. Don't cheat myself ever again. I was not born to be some beligerant midget hillbillies x wife and and although my history with this person really is ugly and hurtful I am young enough to not be defined by it. There is absolutely time for me to have a happy ending and look really nice and be confident and charming and happy, and in love.

*I control my blood sugar to lose weight and I exercise for the fabulous way it makes me feel: alive, high, alert, elevated senses, the sun feels brighter, I feel part of the world, connected, expected, I love the gym!!!

*I love the eliptical with my headphones on and funniest videos. I love the tingly muscle healthy alive feeling and the total pick me up. Time seems to go slower and loads of energy to have fun afterwards. The sky seems bluer, a rainy day is really no big deal and almost a treat because youre buzzing with energy ~ see whos gonna come out and play today. You can go there alone everyday and fit right in. I love the weights too. I love the little old men in the weight room, they give us hope.

*What I want is to say I'm 42, 43, 44, 45, and 46 and in the best shape of my life.

*To be in the moment, the opposite of self conscious and just live my life. To have an open heart and open to all possibilities. To really be alive. That's why!

Sometimes I feel like I just cant win for losing. My x ran up 900 in chiropractor bills on my son and made these arrangements without consulting me at all. He sent me the bill for half and since my divorce decree says I pay 48% of all medical he filed against me as being in contempt of court. I got that yesterday with the serve person at my door at lunch how rediculous. I have told him for two months that I was not paying it because under joint custody all decisions are to be made together and he completely disregards me outright. His attorney sent mine a letter on 10/28 that I needed to pay this or they would go to court... I received this 3 weeks late in the mail from him yesterday- they said sorry for the delay on the post it- in my mailbox when the freaking sheriff guy was at my door at the same time. I could not believe eyes. And this idiot sat on it for three weeks and never let me know. So in the meantime last Monday before I even knew any of this was taking place, I made arrangements myself with the chiropractor to put any amount that was mine on a bill in my name and send it to me and I would pay them $50 a month. I decided just what the **** and do it because I only have 18 more months to deal with him and neither one of my kids have ever been seriously hurt. It just seemed like the right thing to do out of gratitude for my kids even though my x is completely in the wrong for not including me in the decision to have his spine worked on. My son told me all along anyway that he was going there for a massage and they have a maseusse in that office so I didnt think any thing about it and its not medical either way..


So yesterday I emailed my attorney telling him about how I was served for Dec 3 at my door and about how I had already made arrangements with them so it wasn;t my x's concern now. He emails me back today at 4 saying send me copies of your payments.. I cant pay them until I get paid you fool and I dont have $420 laying around to pay these on the spot right now to save my life. They are going to make me look like some deadbeat in court and that is totally wrong. I just want to give up. I could just lay down on the floor and bawl and I cant because I wouldnt get back up. This man treats me like dirt and Im telling my lawyer he is such a bully and cusses me out in front of my kids and uses any opportunity to color them against me. They are leaving for Michigan State again tomorrow on a ten hour drive for saturdays game, I dont even have groceries right now. I paid everything I had from my bonus to bills and im on zero now and it is brutal to watch them going off for the hundreth time having fun while Im paying for it. And I cant even get the simple things I need to look nice at work and take care of my self. It is mentally exhausting and then he just is laying like a snake to attack me any chance he gets and this dip **** lawyer I have is an older man who wont take a stand and fight on my behalf he just wants me to go along with everything to keep out of court. Thats why he keeps doing this is because I dont have anyone to defend me. It just seems so defeating no matter what I do I cannot get ahead and heres this person out looking waiting for a chance to trip me and cause harm to me every chance he gets. I want to go to court and tell this judge how he treats me and violates the decree all along by his abusive and degrading flippant insults and have a record of his abuse, it will make me feel better even if she says Im wrong and need to pay these bills. I want to know about further medical issues.. Is he not required to consult me at all and a mother or non residential custodial parent is just an ATM with no say so or rights over their child? Thats not what the definition of joint custody says. I dont have two dimes to rub together to go pay a retainer to a new attorney and have him fight this for me. If hes going to drag me into court over it I dont want to pay them becuase as soon as I do he will go looking for the next brick to throw at me.

I look at myself and there is no trace of me here anymore. Im not the person I was when I met him, and all the time in between has been misery, poverty, struggle struggle for every little thing and isolation and feels like I cant trust a living soul. Even my own dad buddies up to him at the foot ball games and it is just an icepick straight into my heart. I cant believe this is my life, It is just surreal and I dont feel like me at all, there is this other person that all these bad things keep happening to and I am tucked far away in here somewhere lost. Its a weird feeling, I am not here anymore because it is too painful. I dont know how to save myself, I dont know how to hold my head up anymore I just have it coming from every direction and sometimes It is just way too much. My whole identity is being a mother and this dirt bag took that from me.

Well I feel better now. I explained to my attorney how I made my decision because of my son and it was before I knew anything about what the X is trying to do.. I told him it was not about the chiropractor bill, it was about abuse and how I am becoming very angry because this was done to spite me. My son is 16 and still growing and he should be at a sports medicine doctor and who made the diagnosis that spinal manipulations are the correct procedure for a 16 year old? He certainly did not discuss this with me and then to send me a bill for $400 for it - I dont think so. I told him there has been no consequences whatsoever for his outright disregard for me and his verbal assaults in front of my kids- meanwhile I have paid every cent to him the judge has ordered me to pay without fail. And the check that he mailed his own payment to the chiroprator on is from my sons account that my child support goes in - he justifies this by saying now they have a college fund ( from mom) and he took that money out of my sons account-- just like gas and travel for all these combines.. He took my kids to Michigan yesterday and did not say one word to me- I found out from my children- and that is against the court order. So I asked my attorney what are my rights- what are my options here because this behavoir continues because I have allowed it. He said of course I have rights and lets visit together on Monday. I want to go to court and tell my judge all about him - I have pages of documentation and how can I drag him to court every time he violates this when Im worried about how do I keep the lights on?? I am so sick to death of this idiot and the judge was so disgusted with him- she had to let the boys go with him because they were 14 but she gave me 4 days a week visitation. She put in the court findings that I was an excellent mother and her decision was based solely on the childrens ages and that they desired to live with their dad in high school.. I would love to see her throw him in jail for a week just to make a point to my boys that you don't abuse women just because you can. He deserves it and it would send the right message to my boys. I just feel like I got through to my attorney and he is geniunely on my side now and interested in helping me. I dont have a retainer fee to go get a vipor from the pit lawyer right now, and the one I have appears to be stepping up. Its such a relief on me emotionally to know Im not alone and now I can be productive and enjoy my weekend.

Made it through Thanksgiving without a pitfall and so grateful for that. I made my grandmothers french canadian meat dressing and bbq baked beans, cherry pepsi salad that I still havent had any and waldorf salad. I havent gained any pounds which is great becuase I did have a little sliver of everything. It just didnt taste that good this year though, very self conscious about my weight and I miss that old feeling of being present, being joyful and in the moment. Im not there now and it seems like Ive just been pummeled one blow after another lately and Im worried and unnerved and feeling like a fish out of water. I set my tree up today and all of my beautiful ornaments made it through three years in storage. I found the cross my grandma gave me from my grandpas funeral packed in carefully with my christmas things and that got me good because I thought I had lost it somehow. I unpacked her little needlepoint wicker basket she had when she was a little girl, I bawled like a baby because it was hers and she gave it to me and again I thought I had lost it somehow and Im so careful with everything that is sentimental like that. I was bawling like a baby in my kitchen overjoyed that I found her little basket and I still have this special thing that my grandma gave me. I miss her so much I would do anything to talk to her and my grandpa, there just has not been one day I havent missed him since he passed away. Just one of those people so special and so essential in your life, they were the bricks that build me and my stability all my life, they were the one thing that was constant and loved me unconditionally. They make up a hundred fold for any thing that ever might have gone wrong for me and I am so lucky and grateful to them. All I can do is smile and remember how they loved me and they knew absolutely what they meant to me and that is the sweetest feeling to have now after all these years.

I took to heart what my friends on here explained to me about my dad, I decided I wasnt going to indulge in the awkward heartache of being rejected again with each holiday as it goes by. I called my dad to wish him a happy thanksgiving, I told him as soon as my boys got here I would send them over with some apple salad I made because its his favorite, I told him I loved him, he wanted me to have a great holiday and he loved me too and that was the end of it. I was proactive and did what I thought was the right thing to do and went on with my day and enjoyed it. When I reach out to my dad and he rejects me, or they have dinners with my children and exclude me , or things like that what I hear back from him is no one will ever love you. I realize Im way too old to be emotionally dependent on my father but it is my first gut reaction and the honest feeling and emotion that comes over me. As soon as I can get my life on track and be more financially stable Im going to go to a counsellor for the first time in my life. I see it now as something for me, to help me cope with things that are too difficult to just endure and outlive. That is the mentality i have now and maybe that is not the right approach. It felt good to keep my power and my energy though, I did what I felt right about and the **** with everyone if they dont like it. Also my kids saw me reaching out and doing something positive instead of being sulky and indifferent when it comes to that situation. I withdraw and become walled off because it is so painful and thats not good because I detach from my kids too when I dont mean to. I just cant go from hot to cold and it felt good to be proactive and let my kids see my character and that I might think my family is all a bunch of jerks and completely wrong but im dealing with it. I was proud of myself for showing kindness instead of being upset. Im amazed how many people do low carb plans on here and all the fabulous success stories. It makes me totally fired up and so excited to take it up a notch. I used to be met with nothing but negative comments and warnings about Atkins but now that his diet findings are so true its wonderful to have so much support and people who are so committed to being healthy. I really love this group and times when I feel very defeated and like I will never be healthy or proud of myself again -- I read about someones incredible story and transformation and new life and It is so uplifting. I have come to realise since I have been a member here that life is never going to calm down enough or be perfect or in line enough for the right forecast to start or maintain your diet plan. Its been a rough year and I did everything to comfort myself in the storm except get down to the nuts and bolts of actually following my plan and making healthy choices. Its never going to be perfect weather for success, and if it is it wont last long thats life, just gotta get committed to this and follow through. Im 60 days out from total relief, no matter what Ill get my tax return and be good to go regardless of anything and I want to roll into that moment strong and on my way already. I dont want to crawl into the light barely breathing, I want to skate into the new year and better times strong and being a workout diva and making the best of every day.. I imagine myself jogging through the sunny park and I see the finish line and waterfalls and balloons and my kids at the place cheering me on happy for me deciding to take care of myself and I imagine myself punching my troubles down as I go by, keep jogging, keep smiling, keep your eyes on the prize and up pops my x husband and his bs pow, up pops my stepmother and my dad and that hurtful feeling and anticipation of beind shunned in front of my kids at christmas for the 3rd year in a row pow, my sister sort of happy that Im having troubles so she can shine for once pow, my brother kind of irritated with me for our family situation because the folks would never lie to him and the problem must be me pow, my coworkers who get on my nerves being catty pow, bills piling up and I know I have to think smart and deal with them but not be immobile and feel defeated until I get some relief pow, my x taking me to court next week for a huge bill he ran up for my son and thinking im going to pay half without ever being consulted at all pow, the judge might rule in his favor and tell me he can do whatever he wants but I doubt it pow, Im just sick of being idle and standing by and surviving everything and not being a part of life. This year of being 350 pounds has been the lonliest most isolated time of my life and I have felt deep real depression like never before. Its one thing to be fat and sassy but to be embarassed of yourself and whats the use of doing my hair nice or dressing nice Ill still look like **** no matter what, people dont make eye contact and that feeling or tacit attitude from others that Im a lost cause.. Its been very hurtful and I dont ever want to feel this way about myself again. Men dont look at me at all, I dont even resemble myself and Im too embarassed for anyone to see me like this so I dont go anywhere but to work. Its a sad isolated way to live and Ive had a taste of it this year and I dont ever want to feel this way about myself again.

My tree is up and lit and sparkling in the dark tonight, its almost happy new year and almost tax return time where everything works out, my oldest son is coming over to spend the night when he gets off work, my youngest is on his way back from Univ of OK game today with his dad invited by the scouts, I have so much to be thankful for, as hard as its been on me and my boo boo heart I have much to be grateful for and its good to realise that I dont have time to waste any longer. My health is happiness and self esteem and a healthy weight are the most important things and that has never been more clear to me than this year.

Did great today and I was watching dr drews show on vh1 earlier and there is a segment where a man is in talking to the therapist and he said something that really got to me. He told the patient that he was in charge of the little boy inside and it was his job to protect him. That every time he acts out in his addiction he is tramatizing the little boy all over again. It was a simple truth that made so much sense. Am I 200 pounds overweight because of a food addiction and using food to comfort me and protect me. Yes. My weight is in a way a barrier a sheild of protection so that no one can get close enough to hurt me. I eat away my fears and hurts and then hide behind the weight wanting to be loved. Its a cycle that never ends and yes that really rang loud and clear. How do you merge the two mindsets together, protect your true self and let that person shine by taking care of yourself and melting the weight off so that that person is visable and present. I think that is very true with me, all these hurtful things have happened to this fat lady, I dont even resemble myself and it makes it easier becuase If the real me was exposed and had to endure abuse and betrayal from my immediate family I would be so wounded it would kill me inside. Thats exactly how I feel, we do things and put on layers to self protect but pretty soon the authentic person is buried alive. It really made so much sense today.

Did great today and followed through. My boys were here for dinner and they loved the house decorated so pretty for Christmas. All my ornaments and special christmas stuff made it through storage and nothing was broken, all the fiber optic stuff works and Im so happy. Our house is warm and cozy and a little touch of santa in every room. My oldest son went in his room and went to sleep after dinner and he was feeling a little warm, I made him hot tea and babied him a little checking his temperature and he was so funny like gawd mom stop but really it was sweet and I checked his forehead when he was asleep and he saw me leave the room. It was especially nice to be mommy tonight and things might be rough day to day for me but when they are here it is transparent and our house is sweet and cozy and sparkly and they love it. I set my christmas village up in my room on the cedar chest with snow and lights and my puppy -- I put him up on my bed on his blanket and he loves to take his nap in there all toasty with the little village lit up in the dark. I just love christmas and its really special this year. One year ago I was up in a tiny little room at my moms, losing my marbles terrified of turning 40 living at home when I had always been self supporting all those years. It was a beast, I watched movies all by myself in that little room and missed my kids and hated my circumstances and totally angry. Now its a total 360, my life is totally restored and yea things might be a day late and a dollar short every day but I can have my moments of meltdowns in the privacy of my own home and the peace and quiet and calm and total absolute freedom is so unbelievably healing and uplifting and wonderful. I am so glad I just did what I had to do and made this happen. Its been one of the hardest years of my life but it has also been one of the best for me and pride in myself and proof that I am always going to come back swinging. What a relief to have a stressful day and come home and lock the door and shut out everything and just chill. I can remember getting off work and bawling because I needed an out, I couldnt go from the pan to the fire every single day and needing a place to unwind and center myself and there was no where to go. I know what it feels like to have no home and no control over anything, it shook me more than I ever imagined it would and I would go drive around the cemetary just for a wind down from my day before going over to my moms. That feeling of being tolerated out of obligation and making the most of it but wish you could leave.. being a nuisance and tacitly resented, ugg it was very uncomfortable and hard on my pride and my emotions. I am so grateful for this life and this house and this year and a chance to show everyone up and be a mom again in my own home and make my own rules. Im so grateful, so totally appreciative of this because I know what it felt like to have it all crumble and pulled out from under me. Its a new day and no matter what happens in court this week I will face it and deal with it.

Hi Noelle,

Sorry I was MIA for a while....got caught up with multiple family situations, etc. Wanted to let you know I'm back and see I have quite a few new posts of yours to read and catch up on here.

So....let me spend some time reading all your new posts and catching up here. Looks like you started Atkins in early November? Can't wait to read about how that's been going for you. Will write a longer reply when I get caught up on all your posts I missed.

deena:)

What a day! Everything blew over and my case was dismissed so I am so relieved because I did not want to go and do this tomorrow. I had my attorney put a clause in our agreement stating that we had to consult each other prior to a medical appointment unless it was an emergency and their dad signed it. So this will not happen again and I am so relieved and happy to have some solid ground. Then the excellent news..


my son came over to tell me tonight that he is going to join the Navy. This is what I have always wanted for him since he was a little boy and I hadn't said much in the last 24 months because I wanted it to be his idea entirely and it was. I am overjoyed for him, I asked him to wait until his second semester is over in college this spring before he makes this huge decision and signs with a recruiter but his mind is made up and he is so excited. We were all over navy.com tonight and I just am so proud of him. I could not ask for more in a son and yes I am really scared to send my baby off into the world but what better place to be. Our whole family is navy and Im just really proud of him. It turned out to be a great day. I told him if he gets stationed in Norfolk Im moving to Va Beach as soon as my younger son finishes football season next year and that is that. We have family out there anyway and I had a job lined up in Va Beach when they were little that I passed on and now wow wouldnt that be fabulous. He was so happy to hear that. What a nice surprise and I could not wish anything more for him.

I have been walking around with tears in my eyes for two days. Mommie is overjoyed and thrilled that her baby is going to be a sailor. It's my dream come true for my son, I've wanted this for him and hoped he would go in the Navy since the minute he was born and now that he is.. Its crushing my weak poor little heart. Awwww I am so feeling banannas right now. And its because he is leaving me, my one and only safe place where I feel like me when hes around me, the world is calm and still and peaceful when Austin is around me and my world is right. It feels like hes leaving me behind with all these freaks and he's taking all my sunshine with him. Is this how moms feel, Is this how my grandma felt when her sons went into the Navy right out of high school. My grandma had a special relationship with her oldest son too they were very close and he just adored her. My son has been here every night to talk to me all about his plans, and what car he is going to want a camaro to drive home in and wanting to take me on a tour of an air craft carrier when he gets to Norfolk because that is where he wants to be stationed along with his cousin who is also already there. I am so happy for him, to be young and full of hope and dreams and the whole world is one big adventure and its all laid out in front of him like a red carpet and what could be safer than the Navy. My dads ship the USS America was in the water all over the world for 35 years and never had any attack or hits at all before it was decomissioned and sunk. It was in ports all over the world from the Mediterranean to the Persian Gulf to Panama and Mexico. I know he will be fine and I am thrilled to sort of live out my own one regret through him but wow this is going to hurt and many tears of joy are on the way and its going to be hard to let him go and be his own person. I love my baby son to pieces but me and Austin are thick as thieves and he loves his mama. Just filled with emotion and also so much pride. This is such a blessing and I even prayed and said thank you but mom is already having her spells of boo boo tears..

Hi Noelle,

I'm so happy for you.....and also glad to see you really happy. After all the recent aggravation you had to go through with the ex and the court/medical bills, etc....it's great to see good things happening for you. I'll tell you...having lived 57 years now....when I'm going through some really depressing and disheartening days...I always tell myself that something good will happen and that it's right around the corner....and sure enough, it does. That's how life is....if you hang in there....good days arrive again.

I already told you I lost my youngest son, right? My other two sons are 29 and 25....and about 6 years ago, my oldest son moved to NYC (I live in Delaware) and I felt a huge sense of loss at the time. But we're still close and many of my fears were unfounded. And now my 25 year old son is planning to get a place with his girlfriend. Of course, I'm quite a bit older than you are but I'll tell you....as you get older, it's comforting to know that your children have their own lives. There comes a point when that does become comforting, believe it or not. I was actually starting to get a bit worried about my 25 year old....but he suddenly got a girlfriend and is moving up in his job and finally making plans for his own life...and it's a huge relief to me, I've realized.

When your children grow up and get their own lives, it opens up a whole new chapter in your life....and in theirs. Now....I'm involved in planning a wedding, hoping for grandchildren, having relationships with my soon-to-be daughter-in-law and my other son's girlfriend. It's almost like I'm gaining two new daughters....not losing two more sons. You'll see....having your sons grow up and get their own lives will enhance your own life and you won't be losing anything. If you've always been close....you'll still be close. That will never change.

How are things going with the Atkins program? If you need any help or advice, just ask. I'm not an expert by any means, but I know the Atkins diet inside and out, pretty much....as it's my diet-of-choice....and I have tons of personal experience with it.

deena:)

Hi Deena I was happy to hear from you and thanks for sharing. Im so excited for my son and it will sink in and be ok. I just want him to make good decisions and have a happy life for himself. I am doing good on my day to day plan and have not really been able to stick to atkins because I just didnt have shopping money for the shakes and bars etc but do try to stick to a lot of protein and smaller portion sizes and very low sweets. Even so just eating better I have dropped some weight which I am proud of because my mom always makes thanksgiving so special with tons of food and PIES!! I dont know, a strange sense of fear is over me and maybe I am just more in touch with my feelings now since I am on my own. Its freaking me out a little bit that I am almost 41 and dont date and my life is all about work and my kids. Feeling a void big time and like you said as long as the kids are stable and doing their own thing and happy it is a new found freedom and chapter in life to focus on ourselves and our goals that might have been postponed or forgotten along the way. Im having a serious sore throat and just chillin tonight watching tv and the pretty christmas decorations. As crazy as this year has been I am so happy to be here.

Been sick all weekend with a total sore throat that is seriously painful at night! I finished decorating for christmas today and made a football wreath for my boys bedroom door with their numbers and champs on it and turned out super cool. I made meatloaf for them saturday night at midnight because they asked me please instead of ordering a pizza when they both got here so my younger one just came over at 930 when he got off work to finish it off. He cracks me up he said when he gets married hes going to serve meatloaf for the dinner because its so good lol!! That just made me smile. I went and took out 1150 loan to hold me over this month so Im not in huge trouble and I feel much relief I will just pay it back with my tax return. Im glad its christmas and the end of the year and a brand new starting line just three weeks away. Im so ready for a brand new start and take the lessons and gifts of the year and build on them and make next year really shine. First and formost if a person doesnt have a little emergency cushion you can kiss your peace of mind goodbye. I know that and have lived it over and over and once that is gone then all **** breaks loose and every little wind that blows knocks me on my ***.. Im going to do things different this year and really focus on financial peace. I have alot of money tucked away into retirement that I dont touch but man I have paid the piper this year and if I ran my life like a business this year I would be dried up and closing down for sure. No profit at all just survived by the skin of my teeth!

I listened to the new Whitney Houston cd last night driving around looking at lights and it was so uplifting. I felt a door open up in my heart and started feeling like I used to, I felt my spirit coming alive and I love it. Every song on there is personal and really good and she is starting over too. I saw her sing on the music awards last week and had me in tears with I didn't know my own strength. Loved it. I feel a new leaf turning over and I love my boys to pieces but its so exciting to maybe take the mom hat off in 2010 more often and focus on being a woman. My life is all about my job and my kids and I have worn all these hats and never really taken time for me to just be a woman. I feel a real void now for the first time maybe in 13 years since I have been on my own. It bothers me to not have someone special in my life and missing out on so much. Im doing good now but I am going to join the Y again and really get into being a gym chick!

Well were in for a major winter storm tonight and I do not own a shovel LOL. I don't so WHATEVA and I stayed home sick today with this super sore throat so Im not going to wal mart to get one either! Happy I have 4wd on my jeep and that sucker is going in the garage tonight. I decided against putting christmas lights outside this year since I dont need the extra on my bill but the inside of this little house is charming and cozy. I really love it here and its a small 2bdrm house but the downstairs has laundry and a family room and storage. My boys have their fun pad downstairs for them and their friends and x box and a big tv two couches and a dvd player and i have it decorated so cute with santas everywhere and sleighs and even part of my christmas village on their entertainment center. I just want to make this a darling and special christmas since my son is going in the navy and theres no way to tell if he will be able to come home next year. I just want a nice memory since this is going to be a pivotal thing and things wont be the same for us again.They bought me this beautiful big lighthouse with fiber optics and Im so happy it survived storage and works fine. So much to be grateful for and trying to focus on that and be mindful of everything that is so right. I heard a song by Whitney Houston that I love and listen to over and over called nothing but love.. It means alot to me. Made french onion soup today for lunch in the cozy house while it was freezing and dreary outside. It was a perfect day for me. Yea!!


Here I sit by my window thinking about all
the things that I've been through
There were times where I never thought I get to where I got to
Had some angels to guide me, someone to lay on all my love
Now this is my chance to say ain't go nothin but love

For my family that raised me (shout out, shout out)
And my teacher that done praised me (shout out, shout out)
To anyone who tried to hate on me (shout out, shout out)
Even the one's who tried to break me, even the
one's who tried to take me down

There've been haters since this world been going 'round
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
Why they take a thing and trying to crush them down
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
I ain't even trying to hold on to that now
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
ain't got nothin but love for you
(nothin but love, nothin but love)

I could hold on to pain but that ain't what my life's about
I ain't blaming nobody if I ain't got my stuff worked out
I got love for my self, ain't gonna regret anything I've done
I just wanna sing my song, ain't got nothin but love

For all the players on the street (shout out, shout out)
To all my girls doing their own thing (keep on, keep strong)
To all my exes that done wrong me, stepped on me, can't hold me down

To all the givers and the takers
To my crew from way back when
To the cold glares and the stares
And the ones that I ain't met
For my self for sticking with me
For the one's I miss from up above
Anyone who's ever been a part of me
ain't got nothin but love

I ordered pizza hut tonight since I knew both of them would be rolling in here and sure enough it was hillareous. In the snow, here comes austin so tall with his letterjacket and his hat on backwards like he does.. I had just turned on Phantom of the Opera and how cool is that Gerard Butler and his fine self is the phantom so even my son was watching this with me.. its awesome omg I love that movie!!! Then here comes the other monkey after he got off and we were sitting in the recliners watching jack frost in the dim light with all the christmas lights and tree aglow and candles bright. I love christmas and they are like clockwork coming over to see mom and get something yummy to eat. Austin talked to the recruiter today and if he is going to leave in Feb to boot camp he would need to leave next week so he decided to sign in Jan and most likely leave at the beginning of March. I can't believe my son is going to be a sailor in the Navy. It is a dream come true and yes a little apprehensive and nervous for him but its the best thing he can do for himself and what an adventure. I told him I wish I could be a little bird on his shoulder and go where he goes and see everything hes going to see, all the new people and exciting places and the air craft carriers.. I can hardly wait myself! Today was a great day and 6 months from now when Im so freaked out that my baby is far away and all I can do is be a gym rat to keep from crying I will be happy that I recorded these special wonderful moments together.. Im all smiles, today was a perfect day. And its snowing big snow how cool is that!

Well got a christmas card from her highness today signed dad and her. Trying to not have a meltdown because it hurts my feelings. I realize Im going to be ticked if they send me a card which they did and Im going to be ticked if they dont. Family used to be so special and Christmas at my grandmas was magical. She was so afraid once she was gone that it would be the end of our family and she was exactly right. She thought my stepmother was raised by savages and she prayed for her because "she didn't know any better". Its been open season on me since the moment she passed away and Holidays are hard without her and my grandpa. They would have ripped my dad up one side and down the other for this situation and I just had to come to the reality and accept it that our "family" died with my grandparents. I keep this little lantern of hope in my heart that my dad would step up and put his foot down and say enough is enough and put our family back together and call a truce and insist we all be kind and considerate to each other. But no he won't. They'll invite my kids over for christmas gift exchange and exclude me just to spite me and this is three years in a row not having christmas together. Ive beat this horse to a pulp and try to come to grips with it and Im doing ok but its so unnatural and cruel to shun your children. I feel humiliated and my kids cant help but wonder if grandma is so great and grampa is too then what is wrong with mom? This is what I got for a lifetime of emotional abuse and outright harassment, I finally said no more this is unacceptable and my dad sided with her to keep peace in his home and now together they have villainized me to make sense of their behavior and I have never done anything, absolutely nothing to her. Just been on the receiving end of all her rediculous behavior. I know shes my dads problem and he is an enabler and wont put his foot down but they have a real influence over my children and they are confused because of this dirty situation. There is just a total lack of conscience and integrity over there. I know im spiraling into an ugly state over this stupid card, just a little piece of paper but it tells me I am an outcast and not important and if I wasnt here he wouldnt care. When my dad allows this it tells me no one will ever love me and my relationships with men will be disasters because if I cant even trust my father to have my best interests at heart and look out for me then who on earth else would. Im not going to let this situation color my holiday again, Ive had enough of this and I can accept the fact that things will never be the same again, my close knit family of my childhood is long gone and down in my heart I dont want to give her the slightest chance to ever hurt me like this again so although it is uncomfortable and difficult at times, it is for the best. We can have a safe and distant and limited relationship and be courteous and indifferent and get on with it and I can build safer and loving encouraging trusting relationships with other people.

So excited there is a golds gym eliptical at walmart for under $300 and that is so going in my bedroom next month.. I loved doing that at the Y and got in 30 minutes every day for months and months and how convenient to have in the house. Im doing really good and so proud of myself, I ran my credit report yesterday at work and I have a 5 year streak of perfection and just being able to manage that and pull it off while dealing with the things I do and robbing peter to pay paul while my life has been so cukoo these last 3 years it is incredible. And I may not have jack squit right now to go shopping and a new wardrobe and shoes purses and manicures but i wont be the under dog forever and then I can go get whatever the **** I want. What I want most is to have financial peace and a safety cushion so Im not hanging out in the wind any longer. I have a book by dave ramsey which is so good and that is the focus of my new year financially safe and emergency stash set aside. I dont want to ever have this churning feeling in my middle from worry and stress and waiting for the next shoe to fall like a sitting duck. Im ready for a new me, a total overhaul, Im doing my hair tomorrow light auburn with blonde highlights like it used to be which looks pretty on me and fake tanning baby for some color. I have freaking spring fever so damn bad, in fact after new years it is spring for me and time to start getting ready for summer. Im going to get straightened out and in a stronger more stable place and have a fabulous year. This year, as difficult as it has been for me has allowed me to grow and think clearly about the life I want and the person I can be. Im right now at about 20% of my potential and most of that is because I have a great job. I need to work on my health first, my confidence and self esteem, my financial peace, my faith - just all the way around can be revved up done better. Ive been in survival mode for so long and im happy that I realize clearly this is my life and nothing is going to change either way unless I take massive action. I have a cd by jim rohn called living an exceptional life which is so good and just what I need to hear. That is on the checklist for tomorrow morning as I turn over a new leaf. I have two months until Im 41 and my baby is going in the navy and I am going to be a pretty mom and be proud of myself and my sailor is going to be proud of his mama at great lakes to cheer him on. I feel like the stars are lining up and things are coming together finally.

I went to see my momma last night, my sister had a break up and we were all there for dinner.. my brother walks in late at night and been drinking all day and I love him to pieces and he works so far away so any time we get to spend together is always special.. hes staying with my dad and step mother and they get along great- she works for ed jones and of course hes got a boat load of money in there making her look like the ultimate mother, he is her pride and joy because he went to live with them at age 10 and she feels like he is her son my mom was just the birth mother mentality etc.. its difficult for me to hear about my dad and how they are so in sinq and our dad giving him fatherly talks about being 38 and making good choices,etc.. my brother drinks 24-7, he gambles, hes all fun and games when hes not at work but because he is so successful it is not really relevant to them and he can do no wrong. i had him over for dinner with me and the boys friday night and I did not bring up anything about the folks at all it was just our special time to share and hang out with us for awhile...

I got really upset yesterday because I am totally shunned and ignored like im not even alive because the step hag doesnt like me and it just got to me so much yesterday that they have made me out to be the villain in order to pull this off.. It hurts to see my dad being a father to one and being nothing to the other because hes too weak to stand up to her. I feel very angry and a little bit afraid of what might come flying out of my mouth in a heated moment. I am furious with my dad and feel cheated out of my father, he can be a dad just not to me apparently and it really upset me. It would make me feel good to just tell him exactly what I think and how I am nothing like him. I never let anyone hurt my children to better my place in life. Im sad that I even have these feelings but they are absolutely there under the surface waiting to scream out. It was overwhelming yesterday.


Sitting there last night listening to him rattle on and on being obnoxious, hes talking about gay people and getting it on - hes being rediculously nasty and my mom laughs in saying nickies a little naive about men having sex with men- he makes this jackass comment about me being 40 and I have no business being naive about men and women- meaning I havent been in a relationship in a while and me being a smart *** says Im not naive about anything but forgive me if im not versed in the art of mens butts lol, im not going to take his little funky digs at me. I just got this feeling that he finds alot of fault in me and I felt very judged. He said his old girlfriend was probably a big ole hog now and of course I took a little offense to that.. Im an x wife and girlfriend and my x could say that about me, and his x wife is chunky now too.. Trying not to be sensitive and internalize everything but its hard to do.. It feels like I dont have any skin sometimes and I feel myself being offended by very much of the crap people say..

Im very heavy and I felt judged and a bit disrespected and out of the loop by him. He was more receptive to my sister and I am the negative elephant in the room. It was a good experience for me to realize how unbreezy and unlighthearted I am. I get irritated and offended by alot and I realized it. I felt like if my dad and them were talking about me over there which Im certain they do because he gets his opinions from somewhere, I felt like he would join in with no hesitation. I feel discounted as if my feelings dont matter because they see me as a lost cause. I dont have any money, Im fat, Im apparently a big train wreck to them hating everyone and blaming everyone but myself. I dont think that is true, but that is the impression I clearly got from him loud and clear. If I was slim and had a boyfriend and happy and carefree I would be received completely differently and that made me sad. Fat people deal with being disregarded all the time, going out to eat or shopping or whatever- all people see is a fat person they dont see you at all, and I felt it for the first real time in my family with my brother and it pissed me off. Im taking care of me and sticking to my plan for myself, it has nothing to do with any of them and any success I might have is my own doing.

Im proud of myself because that little moment was averted and I didnt let it deter me at all today. I went last night and bought some st johns wt herbal suppliment for my disposition and got some atkins shakes and continuing on my journey for me. I processed my feelings, yes it irritated me but I am still me in here and they can all kiss my fat *** anyway. The folks left for Chicago today and not a peep to me- thats just crazy to me what if they got killed and there is no goodbye, no nothing and how does a parent make that choice. Its sickening. Before when they would leave I always would go over and give them a hug goodbye, send snacks in a little gift bag left outside if it was early in the morning, I always made special french desserts for my dad and took over there. I always went out of my way to let him know I cared and he was special and its just strange to be iced out this way. They dont even live one mile away from me. Im just right down the street, that is just crazy. How do you turn your back on your only daughter in what used to be a very close knit family. How does a person do that and what on earth could you be telling yourself to justify it. I would like to slap him right in his face and scream at him what in the holy **** is wrong with you? I am so emboldened to stay on track and get my figure back and feel pride in my appearance. I am so creeped out by this situation and when I do find a new love for me in a man who I can trust I dont want them anywhere near my happiness. It doesnt feel like it now but I know this is a blessing in disguise and Im keeping on head strong for me, its for me this time and I deserve to be proud of myself. I deserve to feel pretty and attractive and live my life as a confident lady and select kind supportive loving people to share my life and friendshio with. I am on track!

Hi Noelle.:)

Let me say a few things about Atkins first. I do not even buy or eat any of the Atkins bars or shakes....and I stick to rigid induction until I reach goal weight and then will do a modified Atkins to maintain my weight (I also did this back in the 90's and maintained for about 10 years).

Here's what I basically eat: chicken, fish, turkey, eggs, cheese (mainly cheddar, feta and goat cheese), veggies (mainly broccoli, spinach, cauliflower, mushrooms, asparagus, eggplant, salad veggies)....and I will either steam, saute or roast the veggies and then add butter and cheese...very filling....and the ONLY thing I eat that is not strict induction is about a small handful of almonds once daily (and not necessarily every day). I use Duke's brand mayo....which has NO sugar in it.

It may sound like a limited variety....but honestly, you can do a whole lot with veggies and cheese and/or eggs and cheese...and veggies.....and salads with cheese, etc.

I only allow myself 3 packs of splenda daily...which I use in my coffee with half and half (one packet per cup). In order to get the diet to work for me this time around, I had to drastically cut back on the artificial sweetener (why no Atkins bars or shakes)
I also, on occasion, may have sour cream, cream cheese, bacon, smoked salmon....mainly as additions to dishes and/or treats.

Atkins is a METABOLIC diet and it's important to understand this because it's basically an all or none diet. You have to be very strict about the carbs...or you can turn the whole thing upside down and end up fat-storing rather than fat-burning. In other words, if you eat strict Atkins all day and then eat even one thing at night....like cookies, etc.....you will blow all the effort you made that day, basically. Simple carbs put out the fat-burning fire....and can switch you back over to fat-storing mode. BUT, if you follow the diet religiously, it works amazingly well.....PLUS it will really significantly decrease your hunger once you get past the first 2 days or so that it takes to burn up your glycogen stores and go into fat-burning/ketosis mode.

I've lost almost 45 lbs. (scale said 151.9 this morning) in a little less than 7 months....and for me, it's been SO easy on Atkins.....once I figured out my personal artificial sweetener issue. And you don't HAVE to exercise to lose weight on Atkins but I walk daily (love walking too) and this seems to clearly help with the weight loss also. It's really helpful to have the Atkin's book....the Atkins New Diet Revolution.

Here's a link to the basics of the diet:
http://www.veronicaatkinsfoundation.org/lifestyle.htm

What I also love is that because you are burning fat, you lose inches in all the right places. I'm fixin' to go down a 4th pants size....as my 34's are starting to get loose on me.

OK...you may have answered this already somewhere on this thread....but WHY does your step-mom have such a problem with you? Why does she treat you so badly? Does she feel that you are some sort of threat to her?

Now, as far as your dad goes....I will never understand how/why some men allow a woman to control them....and even control what they think. I'd probably have to be a man to understand, I think.
My dad has a sex and love addiction, I finally figured out....and during our lives (his children), he made quite a few decisions that left us dumbfounded....and even feeling betrayed more than a few times. But problems with my dad don't sound nearly as serious as what you're dealing with...probably because my parents never divorced....he just ran around quite a bit. BUT, due to this, I can somewhat relate to what you're going through with your dad.....the negative feelings that result when they seem to disregard the feelings or needs of their children.

I mean, sure....once one's children are grown, one should be able to make decisions for oneself more independently....BUT, to a degree, IMO. Your children are always your children, no matter how old they are. No matter how old my children get, I would never do anything that they were extremely unhappy with....regardless of what *I* wanted. I just would never do that to them....plus, I value their opinions anyway.

I'll never understand parents who think that once their children are grown, they can do anything they want without any regard for those children. Yes, grown children should probably not be overly-intrusive in their parents' lives but by the same token, parents should not totally disregard the feelings of their grown children either. That's my opinion, for what it's worth.

deena :)

Thank you Deena for such a nice post. You really know your Atkins stuff!! Im trying to really stay positive and not dwell on the family drama because my son is enlisting in the Navy as soon as the recruiters are back from Holiday break. He'll go to MEPS for a month and then on to basic so I have no way to know exactly how long it will be before he actually leaves it could be a matter of two or three weeks according to what they told him. I have learned alot on the navymoms website and nice to know there is such a support system and so much info for parents on there. I will deal with them later and my mom told me tonight LOL that she wants to invite my dad and stepmother for dinner on christmas day while my brother is here. I think that is hillareous and I told her to do it, Id be interested in seeing how much of one big family we really are since they are stuck up my xs beehind like they are. Im game for it who knows maybe it will be a christmas miracle. Im not holding my breath I can't see them physically coming over into someone elses turf where they dont call the shots.. but who knows.

I keep track of the contact I make to my dad so that if this doesnt end well later on in my life I will know that I did all I could. I read over that at work last week and was pretty put off by the one sidedness of it all. I even went in the hospital for surgery and I didnt want to tell my dad because what if he didnt come and I would be laying there in the hospital bed all stitched up unable to move and crying and then I thought its the wrong thing to do to conceal that from him so I told him two days before my surgery. Sure enough that is exactly what happened and I layed there in that stupid hospital bed bawling because my dad didnt even come see me or call while I was there overnight to check. They dont even live six blocks away from the hospital.. The feeling that came over me was disgust. Ive put him on such a pedistal and just like you said I am not in his circle and I must accept that. This is going to destroy me and any confidence I might have in dealing with men and I just dont think I can recover from this ugly part of my life by being the dutiful daughter because every interaction I have with him leaves me feeling rejected and cut down. Im reading a book on codependency, focusing on my kids and my home and making Christmas special because its the last one before my kids are grown up and doing their own thing. Just gotta draw the line and I just really dont feel that I deserve this and its not fair to let it hurt me so much. Im joining the Y on Jan 1, and Im gonna be in Nickies boot camp here while my baby is at the real thing. Im going to be a pretty navy mom and take my life and energy back.

I cried all day today, when am I going to be able to accept this. My kids are over having christmas with them right now and my brother too. What is so upsetting is that I thought he would take up for me but no. Ive gone through so many emotions today from anger and wanting to call my dad and scold him and let him know how disappointed I am. I really went out of my way this year to be nice, I hugged him at every football game, I called on every holiday, I sent a treat over on Thanksgiving, I sent her a letter and basically for the sake of family took the blame for all of this and even that was not reciprocated. I was so upset and couldnt focus at work. As unnatural and cruel as this has been, I have to let my dad go. Hes not ever going to step up and stop this and all I did was stand up for myself for once in my life and tell the truth and this is where it all landed. I can only control what I do and how I feel, I didnt do anything today, I wanted to call him and my brother and cuss them out and just go off and then why, all theyll say is im so miserable and fat and im too emotional. I get nothing from this but devistated and they have never been there for me ever at all. It feels like my x husband honestly and these people have extracted every last thing they possibly can from me, Im not going to have any more kids now im 40 and they just have no use for me so chucked off to the side. Im the other woman in his life and she has always had daggers out for me. Its all about her and he is just a passive non confrontational person, he wont make waves at all and just gets out of her way and she babies him to death and takes care of everything and hes a kept man. What is wrong with me that I cant let go of something that breaks my heart over and over and is just because they are spiting me by involving my kids too. They dont mention me at all when my boys are over there, and have made it seem like I am the trouble maker and I can see the confusion and doubt in my kids. If they are so great then whats wrong with mom, and to be undermined and disrespected in front of my children is the lowest of the low. Im anxious for the new year and a new start. I didnt send them a christmas card because the one she sent to me was signed so nasty and not a bit of kindness in it and Im not calling him on Christmas either. I just need to get though this day and let it pass, I made plans to join the Y with my friend and so i have a workout buddy already.

My health is really at risk and after today Im convinced that I cant endure any more of this. Ive done nothing but fret and be crushed since I got on here and every day its some other thing that just eats away at my heart and I feel like my son is going in the navy, the person in the world who loves me the most, and leaving me behind with all these freaks. Im happy he is getting away from here and out from under his dad and them too and be able to be out from under bad influences. What ever happened to being a gentleman and kindness and a sense of right and wrong. None of us are heroes here and Im glad that Austin is getting away from here before he is corrupted. He is such a good boy and polite and sweet and intelligent. Im so lucky to have had him for 16 years, I know I did a good job when I look at him he is everything I could have ever wished for in a son and for him to be impressionable and be encouraged to disregard your mother, Its just very upsetting to me. I wasnt raised this way and neither was my father and that is why I am so disgusted with him. How can you be so spineless and not put your foot down and say this has gone on long enough. I have lost all respect for my dad and its like the only thing that matters is that he is happy and comfortable and the **** with everyone else. It makes me afraid of men, to see the person Im supposed to be able to count on turn his back on me so he can be comfortable, it makes me doubt everything and makes me feel like men are weak cowards and that is not at all how I want to be. I dont think Im going to be able to recover from this and get my weight under control until I take a huge time out and focus only on myself. I cant go in and save myself with all this hammering away at my heart. Im going to pray on this hard tonight and make my peace somehow because I have to let go of my dad completely I cannot continue this, Its killing me and I just dont deserve this from anyone.

My best friend and I started our new goals today, didnt even wait for new years. I have done great today and everything on NYE menu is low carb. My boys will be here with me to ring in the new year so they are planning a hoe down and the treats Im making are going to be healthy and yummy! Even mexican roll ups and picante will work on a low carb tortilla. I had a wonderful christmas, and kept my cool. My mom and sister and I cooked a great dinner and everyone loved it. I prayed very hard last night to release me from these heart strings. I made a decision to take a complete time out from the family drama. My brother flew his new girlfriend in for christmas night and they got to my moms about 7 after having prime rib with all the fixings at our dads that afternoon when they got back from the airport. I held back tears, I felt very humiliated to be omitted from this and for this new person to obviously have a preconceived opinion about me before even meeting me. I mean they have to have some explanation as to why my dad has two children but only one is at the christmas dinner. It just seems surreal and after everything I have done this year to make peace, it was their chance to do the right thing and have us start over and be a family again and they chose not to. It was a total slap in the face and it's the last one. My dad had the audacity to send me a text saying merry christmas at noon and he might as well have said f you. I didn't even reply I was so offended. I just thought well is the blackhearted snake looking the other way and you decided to wish your daughter a merry christmas. I realized that I am so overweight and it has to be very hard on my heart, then add to the mix this situation and the stress and constant rejection and I am a walking heart attack. They are going to put me in my grave if I allow this to continue. I will not be here a year from now if I don't take all of my attention off of them and concentrate on me because I need help, I need to focus on my health immediately.

It was awkward when my brother walked in and introduced her to all of us and I felt sorry for him having to take the brunt of this ugly drama. They put him in the position of having to face me after doing such a mean thing instead of them doing it. I felt disgust and such sadness. We did warm up after a little while and I was polite and visited with them and hugged him when I left and shook her hand saying it was nice to meet you. I felt sorry for her actually like welcome to the snake pit that is our family... For now I am out of the loop permanently and Im not going to have any contact with them at all. Maybe later on things might change, but Im done being pollyanna rosy glasses and hoping for something that will not come true.

On christmas eve, for some reason I got out a joyce meyer dvd set that I got at a consignment shop about 6 months ago called beauty for ashes. The dvd was about fathers and how so many people did not get the love they needed and were not protected and cherished and pretty soon tears were falling, tears of joy, because it was exactly what i needed to hear like an angel had that planned for me on this day specifically. It was about how we are Gods children first and he is the father who meets all the needs of his children and his love is unconditional. It really meant alot to me to stumble across that, being so relevent at exactly the time I needed it most. Kind of too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. It allowed me to keep it together and keep things in perspective so I could have a special holiday with my boys and the rest of my family. This is it for Austin, he might be in some wonderful place next Christmas and Ill be sending him a care package from home. I really made it special and cooked great food for them and we had tv night last night, we watched UP and I made french onion soup from scratch out of my mastering french cooking book... I made the best out of it and did not mention it at all after we left gramas. My best friend called me at midnight and we were chatting until 2 am about christmas boo boos, hers was not a great one either and it felt good to vent. I made a decision from my heart and prayed on it and have a clear conscience. Its time to focus on me exclusively and get healthy. Nothing and no one is more important, and this urgent goal is first. I feel kind of relieved. I did my best and they treated me this way again so its on them. Shame on them, not me and that is the way It should be so I can get on with my life and move forward out of this place.

Day 2 I had chicken with stir fry veges and a little bit of soy sauce. Snowed in and watching Phantom of the Opera! Thinking positive thoughts, doing positive things, cleaning making everything new and pretty. Some awesome quotes I found:


"You may encounter many defeats, but you

must not be defeated. In fact, it may be

necessary to encounter the defeats, so that

you can know who you are, what you can

rise from, how you can still come out of it."


"I can be changed by what happens to me,

but I refuse to be reduced by it."



both maya angelou


How is that for right on time :)

Im watching discovery and the half ton teen and its interesting how the mothers caretaking behavior and her psychotic need for him to be dependent on her is totally contributing to his situation. Very sad. My day 2 went great and even got in some exercise, Im reading a book Jim Rohns seasons of life and I can feel myself getting clearer and the fog lifting. I dont want to be in this depression, its so unfair and and the strange thing is that when people compromise you to cover up their own behavior, its easy to fall into the trap of maybe there really is something wrong with me.. maybe I do deserve this. Its kind of screwing with my mind right now, and I need exercise and a positive outlook more than ever.

Its not just about weight loss for me, I need a massive dose of self love and confidence. Its the whole package because I feel like I could not continue on the path I was on for one more day thats why I started immediately after christmas. I feel like Im battling evil and I need prayers and good intentions around me so that I dont fall under the guise of depression to keep me in this sad place feeling unloved and compromised. What has happened in my life makes me literally sick and disgusted with these people because I am innocent, I have done nothing to this woman except react to her awful attacks against me. I wish I had done this to her fifteen years ago and never given them a chance to be close to my kids, but I would never do that. I could not alienate people and leave relationships broken. Im not a blackhearted soul and that is what it takes. She is so smart and clever and persuasive that it scares me. I thought my brother would stand up for me and just say he loved them but he couldnt participate in that. The thing that matters is that my baby is going in the Navy and Im going to his boot camp graduation if I have to crawl and Im going to look pretty and be a lovely navy mom. Im going to be in boot camp at the gym right along with him and Im taking back my power. Im taking my place as his mother and Im not going to be a wallflower anymore.

I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning again and she said two things that really struck me..

Whats buried alive never dies, you have to deal with stuff you cant bury it.

Everything we hide has power over us. When you cant talk, and bring it out in the open, when you can't be honest and be human you pain keeps you controlled in its grips. You have to expose the thing you are hiding to overcome it.

Ive never heard that before. Most people, at least in my world, would say you are weak and you just need to grow up and get over it.

Silence is death. It is good to talk and express your feelings and if its in prayer, if its in counselling, if its to a trusted family member, you have to process and feel your hurts to be able to overcome them.

Confess your faults to one another that e may be healed and restored through a spiritual tone of mind and heart.

We wont be doing that in my family, there is too much pride to admit a wrong doing but its here in the bible. But the correct way to deal with adversity is to be willing to say look Im having a problem with this and I need some prayers, share it, expose it, so the devil can't just hold it over your head and keep you stuck in pain. I really do believe in that, the devil is the great deceiver and tries to keep us away from Jesus by any means he can be it depression, self doubt, lack of confidence, and fear. Thats a sweet day to realise you can cast all your hurts and confusion on Jesus and he will take your burden

I'm really proud of myself I did not gain any weight over the holidays and am going strong on atkins. I feel good and trying to stay positive and focus on uplifting things and being in a happy frame of mind. My theme this year is total health.

Taking a 6 month time out from things and focusing entirely on slimming down and a improving my health. I need to be able to fit in the seat on the plane when I go see my son hopefully in florida. That is going to be awesome wherever he gets stationed!! I need to feel good about myself and regain my confidence, find a nice boyfriend and enjoy my life. Too many rainy days and i took a good look at myself yesterday and was bawling. I dont look like me anymore, Im lost in here and the troubles of my life have manifested into my size. How did i get this heavy and so far gone? By yo yo dieting, by never fully committing to my health, by always thinking there will be a next time and another chance. Im going to be 41 next month and I have been divorced for 13 years and had one real relationship in that time an actual boyfriend who spent his time with me. That ended in 2003 so im feeling like the train has departed and left me behind. I feel a sense of fear now that I never did before. I cant blame people for letting me down when I did it to myself the most. It's not too late for me. Not yet. That is why I am **** bent on making real progress and following through. This life I have been waiting for and hoping for is laid out in front of me. The future is here and pretty soon I will have the ability to live the way I want to and participate in stead of just watching everyone else. I just have to follow though and take good care of myself.

Why is it sooo hard to stay on your diet? I literally am almost beside myself craving something sweet. Theres candy in the house.. chocolate.. and its like Im going to die if I dont get some. I had to talk myself through it get out of the kitchen and let this pass. It is a sugar addiction - a person should not have to throw away every thing in their house to not cheat on their diet. I havent blown it, I didnt mess it up but came soooo close to ruining my day. I have eaten a semi of chocolate in my life and its not going to kill me to completely move aside from this for 6 months so I can lose some weight and be healthy. Its like you are so conditioned to sabotage yourself, I am my own worst enemy its not the sweets. Like a vampire needing blood but its sugar lol gawd get a grip lady!!! Pray for me I need muscle to fight off the sweet tooth phantom!!!

I'm so happy the holidays are over and enjoying my holiday today. I get my taxes done tonight so this is the break I was hanging on for. Just want everything to work out and start the year out in a strong place and go for it. Im so unhealthy and have the blues like never before. Just a trapped feeling and hopefully tonight it will be good news and I can begin again. I feel famished every minute of the day, I cannot get enough to eat and I know its because I have worried myself sick. I promised myself this is the end of the spinning in circles for me and I started my low carb plan this morning and committed to it. I contacted my surgeons website about lap band surgery but after everything I have read about ports and needles and injections I don't know if that is the answer for me. My insurance doesnt pay for it so I would have to have him do a letter of medical necessity and keep my fingers crossed. I just know that I can't sleep at night from my weight. I cant lay on my back without getting a painful bachache and if I lay on my sides it cuts off circulation so I toss and turn all night long. Ive pushed my health as far as it can go and now I just have to let go of all the painful stuff and disconnect from those family issues that leave me feeling abandoned and desperate and just take care of myself. Here's to day one and please let it be good news tonight!

Im so happy, everything worked out, I did great on my first day today seriously doing low carb and now I can focus completely on my progress. Im so happy that I stayed single zero on my witholding for the second half of the year no matter how limited I was in real life and now there is a cushion for me exactly when I needed it. I splurged and ordered myself a jacket and leather purse and should arrive next week before my birthday. I worked so hard last year and deserve a little something for myself. Im going to kiss my puppy and get a good nights sleep and off to a fabulous day two tomorrow. I did my hair strawberry blonde this weekend and havent decided if I like it or not but it's something new for the new year. Im so blessed that this all worked out for me, it could have been so different. Now I can focus on my health and my son going in the navy and my baby son being a good boy. He was over here tonight after work and I was in such a good mood he really was interacting and laughing and being sweet. He'll be 17 on Thursday and I have no business being as heavy as I am. My whole disposition changed this evening like I can breathe again and make some plans for my own life besides merely surviving and having no choices. I bought low carb foods and ready for my work week and got it all covered in advance for a productive week, I know I will do great this week and show on the scale. Yea!!

How about that! I did great this week and not bsing myself at all! It feels great to get off of sugar and focus on my health and being positive. I came across this little phrase "Smite the devil with a joyous heart". What is the devil in a persons life, it can have many faces, he has many faces and the most powerful is to keep a person in self doubt, alienated, hurting, broken, disappointed, isolated and away from sunshine and from gratitude towards God for the things that are right. So thats my little motto for right now, be happy. At this point in my life I realise that nothing is ever going to go 100% your way. Theres going to be some big pile of darkness in your beautiful garden no matter what you do and you have to choose to make that pile a thing of low importance so that you can notice and appreciate what is right, the beauty all around you. Something is always wrong, there is a negative among positive, there is always push and pull, and being happy, being joyful and positive is a choice, not a gift or luck or fate. It took 40 years to figure that out for me and no one gets that time back. Just feeling so grateful for the little gifts of my life, moments shared and special memories and people, and my energy is focused in the right direction.

Also when I had that appt on Monday I had to squeeze sideways into the seat. I couldnt just sit down because I was too fat. I was sitting there getting my flippin taxes done and thinking what would I do if this chair gave way and busted. Nervous about my fat behind being too big for the chair and worrying it would break. What a dose of reality and that was a pivotal moment for me. I dont deserve to be so crippled by my weight and self conscious and feeling like a hag all the time. I have my moms prettyness and good dna and there is no reason to go around looking like the train wreck that I do. Its very sad to realise I let this happen to myself, I chose this behavior that got me here over other avenues I could have chosen. The good news is I didnt choose alcohol or drugs or being a skanky person, I just chose food and I hurt myself. It's not too late, It is not over yet and there is time for me to turn this all around and open those doors in my life that slammed shut on me. I felt really embarassed for being such a fat mess but grateful for the lesson and it got me moving in the right direction. The reality is how in the **** am I going to fit this caboose in a seat on an airplane to go see my child who is going to need and miss me when he makes his home in the navy. That's all it took for me to light this fire and get busy.

Hi Noellem. You haven't logged in since January 28, hopefully you still read here. I was wondering how your Atkins is working out for you. Are you finding it easier this time around? I keep looking for an update, but you seem to have quit posting. Are you okay?

Hi Lori thanks for sending me a message. Just been having a diffucult time getting on board and I have so many people following this journal i feel like im letting everyone down because I can't get myself together. I twisted my ankle last weekend and fighting an ugly flu right now so not much activity going on and Im here at my house lonely and eating.. I'm just a mess and in an ugly depression and been posting here for 6 months and havent done a damn thing to help myself. The neverending bs with my dad and that freak on wheels up the street. After they treat me like they do she had the audacity to take my son to lunch and act soooo concerned saying they were worried about me and hadn't heard from me since Thanksgiving. He told me that and sent me into a spiral because shes trying to plant doubt in my kids. It just never ends and Im full of hate towards my dad how could he let someone do this to his daughter and then talk about me and encourage my children to doubt me and have less regard to me. My son also made the comment about how I need to learn to forgive.. He was repeating that from over there too and I did everything I could think of to make amends and a fresh start and they slugged me again at Christmas. Now that I backed away and starting to protect myself and focus on my own life and my kids instead of walking around like an open wound for them to pour salt in everytime we cross paths-- now on my birthday two weeks ago out of nowhere she sends me some text happy birthday luv ya.. that was just a set up for me to use against me to make herself look innocent to my dad and my kids.. so I waited until the end of the day and texted back thank you and nothing else. She hasn't said two words to me since July 2007. I just feel like Im in a huge pit of snakes and everything in my environment tears me down. My weight is so far gone - I dont know how on earth Im going to lose 200 pounds because all the emotional stuff is like pushing a semi up a mountain and eating is my only comfort. Im just lost in my life and fed up with everyones bs and trying to separate myself from hurtful things and focus on me.

I am reading a book called co dependent no more, I listen to tony robbins cds and also joyce meyer. I pray alot to ask for help in detaching from this brutal negativity that has really sawed my heart in half and take care of myself. I think she would love nothing more than to see me have a heart attack and be gone and Im doing a pretty good job myself of cementing myself into an early grave. I dont know what is wrong with me that I cant just get it together and save my own life. I am a walking stroke, Im 200 pounds overweight, Im huge fat miserable depressed isolated.. all of it and I dont know which way to turn.. Im just a lost cause I guess and this is not a life and what is wrong with me that I wont put action in motion to change my life and get out of this place I am so stuck in.

Thanks for responding. I really was (still am) worried about you. You have just got to get yourself out of this rut you are in. You just seem so sad, bummed, and well, just plain miserable. All the books and self help CD's in the world will not help until you just decide it is time to help yourself. Can you put down the books and pick up a jump rope? Something, anything. Could you possibly be over analyzing everything and reading to much into things. 200 pounds is a lot of weight...but it can be done, and it can be done fairly quickly, but it will never get done as long as you keep putting it off. Instead of always getting ticked at dear Step Mother, get mad at the food you eat. Get angry with the power IT HAS. You will never change your Step Mother/Father, but you CAN change the power food has. You can. YOU CAN do it Noellem. PLEASE, for the sake of your sons, take care of you. They need you.

Hi Lori - I really appreciate you taking time to be concerned for me. I did have a really good week last week and don't worry I am a very strong lady and I know that this dark moment will pass. I shifted gears at christmas and gone from being misses do right and hoping to be met half way and upon that final rejection I realized that I can't continue this anymore. Im never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man if I continue to allow myself to be mistreated by my father. I have to set boundaries here and respect myself and let this be. This has been the hardest must agonizing event of my entire life because I worshipped my dad. He left when I was very little and treated my mom very badly, he was the absent person and all I wanted was for him to love me. I concealed every feeling I had about anything out of this fear of being abandoned and I think I have really damaged who I am on the inside by continually seeking his love and approval. It's not right to be so dependent on another person and to make them more important than anything in my life including myself and my children. Add to the mix a devious beautiful insecure jealous woman who hated my mother and even more as the years went by because she had my dads children and something to hang over her. My grandma had strong opinions and angry at my dad for how he allowed my step mom to treat us. Many occasions my grandma told him he was scared of her lol and that she was a hellcat!! But he loves her *** and in my stepmoms little drama I am the other woman in my dads life and so she has always had it out for me. And she went out of her way to screw with me time and time again because she knew I wouldnt do anything to upset my dad and risk him rejecting me. She is an absolute bully and finally as an adult when I realy did put my foot down and call her out they completely disowned me and bought my kids everything under the sun to make sure that they wouldnt lose their grandsons even if they cut me out. It is sick and this is her twisted way of making him prove he loves her and its nearly broken me in two. That is where Im at. Having to completely shut down and walk the other way to be able to live.. I have an ankle injury right now but it is getting better. I bought that urban rebounder to do fun exercises in the house while the weather is yucky outside..

I decided to try somethign new during lent for the first time ever. I am french on both grandfathers sides and so I thought it would be interesting to see if I ate in the customary way for these 40 days and see how I do..

I have a glass of red wine for my heart with dinner. I have a tiny breakfast of coffee and half a croissant with jelly - lunch is small salad, water or tea and a small bit of chocolate, 4pm I have a small snack - a hot tea and a cookie or cracker and at 7 have dinner. There are no seconds, no snacking during the day or night, and portions are very small the size of a childs fist- soup, main course, salad, cheese and dessert... last week I lost 6 pounds eating exactly what I love and tiny portions and yes bread cheese and chocolate. It's quality over quantity.. and I was happy.. I could feel myself getting hungry and stomach growling and then eat something really good. It made me feel connected to my heritage also and if this works I could stick to it. There is a diet called the french diet which is also low glycemic that I read that supports all of this too so I think Im going to go for it.

Im also excited because my whole office signed up to walk Kansas starting March 7th-- we all record our daily activity as a team and compete with other city teams for 6 weeks. My goal is to walk 100 miles by the first day of summer and that really makes me feel good. Im anxious for spring !! My kids even want me to go to the Y and be there doing my thing while they work out in the next room like we used to in 2008. They are worried about me and so yes certainly I have a plan of attack here to get going and sincerely work towards better health...

What a great day today!! My youngest son and I went out to dinner and I did not mess up one bit. I had everything low carb and it was yummy with a diet coke. Doing my turbo Jam - I promised myself March would be a productive month for me and no excuses and off I went.. The sun is shining its warmer and pretty out and just very happy it is springtime!!!

I will be so glad to get my normal internet connection back this is redic!!! Thinking next month should be good to go. Doing good and so much has happened lately and happy to be posting on here again. My baby leaves for boot camp the first week of August and he is over hanging with his mama pretty much every evening- I see him at least an hour every day and I am so grateful for that. Foot ball is getting ready to gear up for my youngest sons senior year and he just finished his camps yesterday. It's so weird to think Im going to have all this time for myself. I have maintained my weight for 3 mos and starting up this week so excited about that very much! I have to fit this caboose on a plane to go see my sailor so there is so much excitement coming my way. It's a perfect time to get started. I read the success stories of some ladies on here today and so inspiring. It feels so good to have my bearings life is so much easier and kinder than last year at this time. I'm really happy and even made a new start with the folks. It's not great but we're talking and having a reunion next month so whatever the meaning behind it I am so honest when I say it is such a relief to not have that weighing on my heart so heavily. We don't have to be best friends or even close for that matter but I won't let anything distance me and my dad again. Feel like the sunshine came out for me and time to take all this positive energy and make a fresh new way of thinking and taking care of myself. Happy to be back!

Just as a real starting point now I want to make a record of how being fat feels and has affected me:

*My back hurts bad in the morning. It takes me a minute to get situated in my car and stretch out so I am not stiff and hurting
*My feet hurt - when I step after having my feet elevated or sitting down it sincerly hurts and have to get going for a minute it not to ache
*I outweigh my mom by 100 pounds and for all my life she was the heaviest person and I swore I would never be this big
*I hold back and am not a free spirit at all like I used to be because I am so self conscious. I am not in the moment in any measure unless I am safe with my kids and then it doesn't affect me at all.
*Even my fat clothes size 26-28 are mostly too snug. Everything is tight and uncomfortable and I have a very extremely limited wardrobe because of it.
*I am mortified at the way I look and I just kind of ignore it because I can't believe that is me looking back in the mirror. I do not even resemble myself.
*I can't sleep on my back, I will have a broke down backache so I sleep on my side every night and toss and turn because that hurts too.
*Writing this down I realize I feel alot of pain because of my weight
*The thought of being intimate with someone is out of the question and that is very sad for a 41 year old lady, im in my prime and what a total mess
*I remember what it felt like to be slim and pretty and not be self conscious at all. Just get up in the morning, get all fixed up pretty, pick out something cute to wear and see what the day would bring, I was happy and excited and high on life. I remember how that felt, where no doors were closed to me and anything was possible. I know that it's not too late for me. It is totally not too late to get all that back.
*The circumstances and limitations that were holding me down are not important anymore. I realize I dont have forever and even if **** falls apart here and there on me so what I will get through it and come out on top just like I always have. I can handle it for the most part and I feel more confident and in control of my world now.
*Its a nice place to get started and get moving~life is calling and my kids want me, they need me to share in their exciting lives too. I never heard of a grandmother being 358 pounds this has to go and no one is going to make this happen but me.

Great day today It feels so good to be on my journey now. I told my son tonight I was going to get a new hairdo when he leaves in August a new makeover for mom. Cant stick around and be sad I will have to be constructive with my time and go for it. Nice things are coming my way and going to the casino with my mom sat night Im feeling lucky ducky!

Doing good and things are so different now. My life is so much easier and I feel happy to get the luxury of taking care of myself instead of worrying and heart sadness over bs family issues. I feel so different and I just want to live to be a grandma and live long and have some fun. I have had a rough couple of years and now good things are on the horizon and life is easier and brighter and I really don't want to drag along the hurtful relationships and people who kinda let me fall. In a way I am thankful for hard times and people who reveal to me what they are about and how much I matter to them. The people I expected to stand by me did not and the ones who I thought were rainy day friends were there for me all along. It was really an eye opener and now I want to be a better friend and mom and be present. That might sound mean but I just have no desire to rebuild these hurtful relationships and give them a free pass into good times when they treated me like less than dirt. Im happy to be cordial and kind pretense but my heart is not really in it now. It's a new day and the jig is up and I just feel like God gave me my time now. It's time for me, a breather, a uncomplicated block of time to focus on my health so I can recover and be present for my children. I am invited, I am wanted and needed and loved by my children and that is the sweetest feeling. They have witnessed everything and their heart belongs to mama and in the end just like my family said I kinda got the last laugh. And a deep rooted confidence in myself too.