I'm a 20 year old college student about 60 pounds overweight at the moment. I've been with my boyfriend for about two years, but last week I decided to break up with him.Apparently, he's been hiding the fact that my weight HAD bothered him and he was so concerned about protecting my feelings, he never said anything about it. He constantly repeated "I love you for you."
Imagine my surprise when he just suddenly told me it bothered him in the middle of sex. My feelings hurt, I say, "fine I'll do something about it." I didn't cry as much as I suspected that I would.
However, come to find out that he was talking to the slim mexican girl down the hall from me behind my back! What knocks me the **** out about it is we exchange pleasantries almost everyday. I question him about it and I can't get a straight answer so I broke up with him the other day right then in there.
He's highly upset over the situation. I truly believe he loves me, but just isn't attracted to me. On the other hand, he admitted to talking to this girl because he was just attracted to her.
I wanted to cry because I was jealous of this sneaky girl trying to get with my boyfriend, but then I never felt more angered in my life -- at my self. She can keep him for all I care. The nerve of him, trying to have his cake and eat it too!
I can almost feel what you are going through! There is nothing worse then finding out someone you really like/love looks at you a different way then you thought...how exactly did he say your weight bothered him? Whenever I get jealous of girls I use it as motivation(maybe thats bad) but that's how Ive lost weight in the past..maybe you should totally turn your life around getter super hot and make your boyfriend wish he never screwed up like he did!
I was just thinking I think men are attracted to self confidence in a girl more then anything so you shouldnt worry so much about your weight but instead work it girl! beauty on the inside is more valuable to beauty on the outside!
I think that this is such a complicated issue, especially in terms of long term commitment
I don't know how or why he was talking to that other girl behind your back and if he was lying about it. I don't like that he wasn't being honest with you. This also indicates some kind of trust or communication problem which is probably also a good reason to worry about the relationship.
My partner has gained a significant amount of weight, 50 lbs, since we started dated. Admittedly, he was also seriously underweight at the beginning, so I'll give him that. But he works at a McDonalds as a Manager, and so I've been seriously worried about the health repercussions of it. We both can't keep eating like we're 16.
The truth is I am less attracted to him physcially. The sex isn't as good, his stamina is different, and the way we fit together has changed a bit, I think. He is still my best friend, the most loving, caring, romantic man who makes me smile every day. I love him and trust him. I'm sure he trusts me. We both talk to and are attracted to other people, but chalk that up to having eyeballs and hormones. *shrug*
I'm using that paragraph as a pre-defence for my worries: How can you maintain relationship with someone who steadily is gaining weight? Staying physically attracted to each at least a bit *is* important. And what about health? We owe it to our husbands and wives to take care of ourselves so that we can live a long time, and live well, and enjoy our famillies, and contribute to the home. I guess its something couples just have to be honest about and work on, if they're willing.
You know, from 17 -20 I became a whole new person in my head and its good I wasn't dating anyone. I could hardly figure myself out. It's good you cut him off, because saying that during an intimate moment is inexcusable.
Last edited by souvenirdarling; 09-12-2009 at 09:16 AM.
He's highly upset over the situation. I truly believe he loves me, but just isn't attracted to me. On the other hand, he admitted to talking to this girl because he was just attracted to her.
I wanted to cry because I was jealous of this sneaky girl trying to get with my boyfriend, but then I never felt more angered in my life -- at my self. She can keep him for all I care. The nerve of him, trying to have his cake and eat it too!
Okay. I think you need to take a deep breath. Let's not assume anything here. I don't think he cheated on you or anything. And if he loves you, he has to be attracted to you in some way. As much as people say looks don't matter, there has to be some kind of attraction.
And I wouldn't blame the girl and say she was trying to take him. You're not aware of her intentions. She may very well had a thing for him, but it takes two. Your boyfriend would of had to initiate something for it to happen.
If he is really broken down about it, I think he really loves you. And I think it's okay for him to talk to this girl, even if she's attractive and slim, as you put it.
But I don't think he should feel like he has to hid it. My fiance admitted he thought one of my friends was attractive. But that is all it was - simple attraction. I have been attracted to other guys, even some friends, but it was nothing more then being attraction and I would never act upon it. As long as your boyfriend never acted upon it or as long as he doesn't have other feelings besides just being attracted, I wouldn't worry. I think you two need to talk it out before just ending things for sure.
I was just thinking I think men are attracted to self confidence in a girl more then anything so you shouldnt worry so much about your weight but instead work it girl! beauty on the inside is more valuable to beauty on the outside!
It's good you cut him off, because saying that during an intimate moment is inexcusable.
I completely agree with this. Good for you for cutting him out of your life. I'm sure that was really hard, especially after being together for two years. Be that's a big issue to hide from you.
I think you should take this situation and use it as your fuel to work hard and lose the weight. Make him wish he'd really loved you for you!
Okay. I think you need to take a deep breath. Let's not assume anything here. I don't think he cheated on you or anything. And if he loves you, he has to be attracted to you in some way. As much as people say looks don't matter, there has to be some kind of attraction.
I really don't doubt that he loves me. Every since the breakup, he's been following me like a lost puppy, wondering what I'm doing, or who I could possibly be talking to. Really, in my state of mind! The girl avoids me at all costs but her roommate has informed that the mexican girl broke her phone because she was upset with my boyfriend for cutting off all communication. Something was going on; perhaps too early for "cheating" but too close for my comfort. So I believe him when he says he didn't do anything --physically.
I used to feel like he was out of my league because he's pretty attractive, 160, 6'1, jet-black hair AND Puerto Rican. I'm a half breed, mother is black, dad is puerto rican. But after getting to know him, he made me feel like none of that mattered. We even discussed moving in with each other after college and HE bought up the idea of children where I at the thought.
The only thing I'm doing right now is eating right, working out, going to work and class.
That's difficult, it sounds to me like you did the right thing-- it doesn't sound like the thing with the other girl had actually progressed into cheating, but it definitely sounds like it might've eventually headed there. I don't know -- it does sound like he really loves you.
I have to agree with souvenirdarling -- weight gain is a complex issue in long-term, loving relationships. Communication is always better, but it's hard to bring that up because "I'm becoming less attracted to you" is never ever ever an easy thing to hear. But man did he handle it completely wrong by bringing it up during an intimate moment! And he loses major points for talking to the other girl behind your back, although it's hard to gauge what his intentions were in that situation if you can't get a straight answer out of him!
Anyway yeah -- for the time being, I do think you're better off without him. Had you talked to him about your diet?
I'm with Wormwood on the issues with him talking to the other girl and attractive issues.
All I really add is weight loss should be a personal decision that you make based on what *you* want - you want to be thinner, healthier, etc, that's fine, but I'm not a big fan of losing weight for revenge, which is what it sounds like people are encouraging.
I'm with Wormwood on the issues with him talking to the other girl and attractive issues.
All I really add is weight loss should be a personal decision that you make based on what *you* want - you want to be thinner, healthier, etc, that's fine, but I'm not a big fan of losing weight for revenge, which is what it sounds like people are encouraging.
I agree! Weight loss for revenge might start ok but to really have success in reaching your goals I think you have to want it only for yourself and no one else.
I'm going to be honest, the first thought in my head was to do it for revenge, but I can't see why we can't be friends at the moment. There is a possibility that we can come back together in the future.
It dawned on me that this is only college, and while many people meet their lifetime sweethearts, sometimes you just have to accept that not every relationship is going to go as expected. Granted, he has emotional attachments and isn't totally revolted about it my appearance. ****, he affectionately nick named me Pudge. (Look at me babbling on and on about him. It's obvious I love him.) But if I have to let him go, I'll recover. I'm only 20.
About the diet and exercise, he's exited about it (for obvious reasons) and doesn't discourage it.
I'd just like to say that sometimes guys have what I affectionately call "foot-in-mouth" syndrome.
With other guys, it drove me insane... I thought they were just jerks with no excuse. With my current love AND best friend, however, I've finally kinda figured out that sometimes they just don't do it on purpose. Sometimes they just really don't understand how saying something like that (though they might have avoided it cos they know it'd make you upset) could get you THAT upset. He and I have had SEVERAL discussions about, and some of them occurred because I was fuming over something incredibly hurtful he'd said accidentally without even meaning it.
Your guy picked a HORRIBLE time to do it (I would have been scarred from it, honestly, I have a LOT of body issues during sex)... but he was probably worrying about what was happening with the other chick himself. He knew he was slipping down a bad road with the Mexican chick because of attraction and though he loves you and wants to be with you... he's probably having a harder and harder time being attracted to you.
Not only that... he could be WORRIED about you, too. And well he should be... weight is no laughing matter when it comes to health. At your age right now, it's not as bad as it'll get for you down the road. Let me tell you, I gained 85+ at age 20 and had it on until 2008.... and god. By time I hit 26, I was starting to feel like I was 40. Seriously.
*sigh* It's a complicated situation.... and I wish you all the luck. Go with your heart though... and take care of your health always! Maybe you need to concentrate on yourself right now, and just keep him at a "let's see what happens" arm length. Let him know what you're doing, and how you feel.... but give him some credit for the 2 years you've had together and at least keep him in loop. But don't get upset if he decides to move on, too.
Last edited by starfishkitty; 09-13-2009 at 12:51 PM.
That's difficult, it sounds to me like you did the right thing-- it doesn't sound like the thing with the other girl had actually progressed into cheating, but it definitely sounds like it might've eventually headed there. I don't know -- it does sound like he really loves you.
I have to agree with souvenirdarling -- weight gain is a complex issue in long-term, loving relationships. Communication is always better, but it's hard to bring that up because "I'm becoming less attracted to you" is never ever ever an easy thing to hear. But man did he handle it completely wrong by bringing it up during an intimate moment! And he loses major points for talking to the other girl behind your back, although it's hard to gauge what his intentions were in that situation if you can't get a straight answer out of him!
Anyway yeah -- for the time being, I do think you're better off without him. Had you talked to him about your diet?
FOR ME, I realized that gaining so much weight suddenly (2 year relationship as well) was a result of me losing control and perspective of my weight. I lost 240lbs (40lbs off me, 200lbs of him) and took my life back. I have never been in such good shape as I am now.
For men, sexual attraction to their woman is really a dealbreaker. This is a big difference between men and women and I didn't make the rules - but truly, this is a reality of it. Many will argue that a real man will stick by your side through thick and thin - but we are talking about a 20 year old man in a college relationship.
So will you do this for your health? Is this your wake up call that it is time? It was my wakeup call, 40lbs and almost 5 years ago.
(No, I never got back together with him, I have a wonderful DH now who bought me weightlifting shoes for my birthday. Find a man like that)
No longer with boyfriend because of weight
I question him about it and I can't get a straight answer so I broke up with him the other day right then in there. 
Nicely put!
at the thought. 
