100 lb. Club - OT - Really Upset




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Onederchic
09-05-2009, 06:41 PM
As most of you know, I do not work due to the fact that my bf does not want to have to take me back and forth and yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, I got a little tiny 15 dollar check today from a survey place. He just called here from work on break and I asked him if Monday when he is off, can he run me to cash it and to Wal Mart to buy me some new foundation. Now, seriously, I have been here almost a year and a half and have been out of the house maybe 10 tens so I rarely go anywhere or ask to go anywhere. His answer to me was "We'll see. I have been going somewhere every week and I may not want to this week." What the ****? I have been crying ever since and I am just so...hurt.


Lexxiss
09-05-2009, 06:49 PM
I'm sorry to hear you're feelings were hurt. I don't like to hear that it made you cry, because I know how that feels.

I care, and if I were near I would drive you in a heartbeat.

SwimGirl
09-05-2009, 06:54 PM
I'm sorry to hear that! :( I'd be upset too. A woman needs makeup! Or maybe just this woman does... I can't live without foundation. I'm not too familiar with your situation, but is there any way you can get there yourself? Public transportation? I hope he changes his mind and takes you!

-Aimee


bargoo
09-05-2009, 06:59 PM
I don't know you except for your postings on 3FC, this is what I understand, you have been with your BF quite awhile , a year or so., I guess, he has never introduced you to his parents , who I believe live nearby, you have been out of the house ten times in the last year, you can't get a job because he doesn't want to take you to work.. He doesn't want to take you to run a short errand because he has been going somewhere every week.
What is wrong with this picture ?.

Windchime
09-05-2009, 07:20 PM
I don't know you except for your postings on 3FC, this is what I understand, you have been with your BF quite awhile , a year or so., I guess, he has never introduced you to his parents , who I believe live nearby, you have been out of the house ten times in the last year, you can't get a job because he doesn't want to take you to work.. He doesn't want to take you to run a short errand because he has been going somewhere every week.
What is wrong with this picture ?.

I have been wondering this too, Michelle. I am concerned for you. Perhaps we are getting the wrong impression from your posts and if so, I hope you will clarify but this doesn't sound like a good situation and I am beginning to become quite concerned. Alarm bells went off when I read an earlier post where you said that he wouldn't even buy you a $5 Subway sandwich. I'm getting an impression of a beautiful, friendly, bubbly girl who is being isolated and controlled at least financially, if not in other ways. I did not realize you have only left the house 10 times since you've been there; that seems worrisome to me.

I am worried that you have a bigger problem than not being able to cash your check and get to WalMart. Is there anything we can do to help you?

GradPhase
09-05-2009, 07:28 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:


I'm sorry you're so sad! I don't have a license to drive - but I'm starting driving school soon *for the second time* to hopefully get over my driving phobia so I don't have to rely on my guy to take me places all the time, too. Regardless, his behavior is entirely inappropriate. You're such a supportive person with such a beautiful heart, and you support everyone here with warmth and kindness, and you deserve at the very least someone who could support YOU as much as you support others :( Your boyfriend makes my heart sad, for you.

Hopefully there's some kind of good headed your way very soon :^:

CJZee
09-05-2009, 07:48 PM
I know you feel obligated to your bf because he took you away from a bad situation, and even though he was not aware you were heavy until he met you. You went with him even though it was the first time you had met in person. I know that during your time with him you have been able to concentrate on becoming fit and healthy. I know you believe he may have saved your life. But, in actuality, you saved yourself. You may owe him your gratitude, but you do not owe him your freedom.

The isolation he is imposing on you is a huge red flag. The fact you are not working (and would like to) is certainly a control issue for him as you could probably afford your own car in a short time and contribute to the household income, so the driving is just an excuse.

You are as much an independent person as he is. You need to develop and grow in the world, not just in the house. You are a smart woman, and you need to figure out how to make this happen. Hugs.

RealCdn
09-05-2009, 07:49 PM
I am worried that you have a bigger problem than not being able to cash your check and get to WalMart. Is there anything we can do to help you?

I have to say I agree. Leaving the house 10 times in 18 months is a bad sign, you are being isolated. Consider if this is how you want to live your life, seriously. :hug:

Diva
09-05-2009, 07:51 PM
I don't know you except for your postings on 3FC, this is what I understand, you have been with your BF quite awhile , a year or so., I guess, he has never introduced you to his parents , who I believe live nearby, you have been out of the house ten times in the last year, you can't get a job because he doesn't want to take you to work.. He doesn't want to take you to run a short errand because he has been going somewhere every week.
What is wrong with this picture ?.

My thoughts exactly. Michelle I only know you through here and Sp too, but I really like you and think you are a sweet, smart, funny and VERY supportive girl, but I have to say this has been on my mind as well and I just never said anything because well, it's none of my business. On one hand I think he's a stand up guy for coming and getting you from TN even after he found out you were heavier than he thought. I thought that was pretty cool of him, but when you said he's never once told you that you're pretty, and Now I hear all this too? I do wonder if you are in the right place. If I lost 140 pounds and my man wasn't fawning all over my person and telling me how fabulous I am and look I'd be pissed off and find someone who would. LOL! ;) But that's me.

I'm so sorry he's hurt your feelers like this and I sure hope y'all can talk it out, that and these other issues too and come to some sort of resolution. :hug: Love ya sweetie! if I were there, we'd sooooo go do a girly girly shopping day!
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t202/roni0467/Smiley/xoxo2.gif

Judy Lynn
09-05-2009, 07:54 PM
Oh Michelle, :hug: I don't know your situation very well either but I must agree that this just does not sound good. Just remember that you are a good, strong, loving, supportive woman and you deserve the very best from a relationship. Surely there must be some way you can have some independence?

Love & hugs coming your way, all the way from Canada. Please don't cry.

thistime140
09-05-2009, 07:55 PM
Is there anyone else you can call to drive you?
I think perhaps if he saw you were not completely dependant on him...he may act differently next time.
Maybe, when Monday comes and goes and you have made it there and back...he will see it was no big deal and feel guilty for acting selfish.
also, prby he has no idea what foundation is, and why you need it!!
Are you sure you are completely content in this relationship?

CanadianCutie
09-05-2009, 08:16 PM
awwwww Michelle *hugs*. You deserve so much better. You are a wonderful person. We're here for you.

Pita09
09-05-2009, 08:38 PM
Michelle, it's obvious by the replies that you have received that you are very much cared for on this board. You are one of us, we feel protective towards you, and we feel frustrated because we see that perhaps you need help with your current situation. I know all about living a life of being subjected to another's financial control and it sucks. We are here for you if nothing else than to listen and try to offer a solution that will work for you. :hug:

CountingDown
09-05-2009, 08:38 PM
Mich - :hug: I hope you will read the posts above as coming from your 3FC friends that are very concerned about you. I feel the same way as many others. HUGE red flags are being waved here. Your isolation is very concerning - his control over your life is not normal - nor healthy.

I know that you love him and that you are happier now, but having read your posts over the last several months, more and more warning bells are going off and we are getting a better picture of what is going on in your life.

Please take our concerns in the spirit they are intended - we love you and care about you and are seriously concerned about your situation.

This isn't one little incident - it is one of many, many overly-controling incidents you have written about.

Your post here shows that you KNOW that something isn't right. Please, please reach out to someone you can trust and explore your concerns and feelings.

You are in my prayers!

Laurie

harrismm
09-05-2009, 08:50 PM
Mich-Life is short...think about this.You are very bright and articulate.What advice would you give someone else in this situation?...there are pleanty of fish in the sea.

winning the war
09-05-2009, 09:03 PM
Michelle,

I have to agree that the isolation is unhealthy. I know you care for this person, but control is not the same as love. As a grown woman, you really don't need permission to leave the house, get a job, or take care of yourself. I hope it's not too forward of me, but the website www.caringunlimited.org could give you some insights into unhealthy behaviors and some resources if you should feel you need them. I know you don't know me, but I've been in a similar situation. At the end of the day, though, you know yourself and your situation best and will do what's right for you right now. Take care and good luck.

Jenny

GradPhase
09-05-2009, 09:12 PM
but the website www.caringunlimited.org could give you some insights into unhealthy behaviors and some resources if you should feel you need them.
Jenny


I think WtW might have meant http://www.caring-unlimited.org for anyone who wanted to look more in to those incredible resources they've got listed..

ringmaster
09-05-2009, 09:13 PM
hope you feel better, I don't know the rest of story besides the posts here, but it sounds like this isn't the first time your bf let you down. It sounds like he is the center of your life, which makes it hurt more when he isn't always there for you. :hug: Do you have any friends in the area? Maybe you can join a group, go to church, and try meeting some other women to be friends with and go out with just to socialize.

Have you tried talking to him and letting him know how much this hurts you? If he cares about you that much he should be willing to compromise so you can both find an agreement and to be happy.

better health3
09-05-2009, 09:18 PM
I have been here almost a year and a half and have been out of the house maybe 10 times, so I rarely go anywhere or ask to go anywhere.

Are you serious? That is not normal behavior on your boyfriend's part. I am very concerned about this situation for you....I know it is not my business either. I think this is unhealthy as well. Even if finances are tight, there are plenty of things to do for free. I can't believe you haven't been all around town with your man. Some of the other issues that you brought up are blantant red flags.

We do care about your health and well being. I am unclear what his reasoning, justifications, or excuses are that he doesn't take you more places. I find it strange that he does not want you to get a job, and become more independent, such as working an opposite shift or the same shift with close locations for a work place. You'll need savings, money for clothes and health care. Please don't let his insecurity or controlling you hold you back.

Please do not get offended by what I have said.

I find it wierd that he hasn't offered to buy you at least one new outfit even if it is gently used.

I understand we don't know his side of the story. I wish you the best for your future.

Onederchic
09-05-2009, 09:25 PM
Okay, first let me begin by giving thanks to all the wonderful friends I have here that do care about me.

Secondly, a bit more background for those that may not know. I moved 1800 miles away from the place I called home for 21 years. Now I already admitted I lied to my bf about my looks for 5 years. Before I even sent him the picture, before he even left New York to come to Tennessee, I did tell him I was 300 plus pounds but I think he really believed I was exaggerating...heh surprise. Anyway, even after I told him, before he saw a pic, he still begged me to move here and he promised that I would be taken care of...his word was "spoiled". In the year or so before I moved here, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and mild agoraphobia. I am sure a lot of it, with the exception of the bpd, stemmed from the traumas I had suffered of being with my husband of 10 years as he died, finding my momma dead and then my daddy dying. I know those contributed to me turning to food in a major way and I am sure at 330 pounds, it contributed to me not wanting to go out in public or be around people. So when I moved here, yes, I did tell him I did not want to meet anyone until I was more comfortable with me and he readily agreed. Now that I have lost 140 pounds (almost), I am ready to meet his family, his son and get the **** out of this house sometimes. He does all the shopping and if I mention me riding he always uses the fact that my doggy has severe separation anxiety as a reason why I should stay home because if we take the dog too, he gets car sick too. He has not taken me out on not even one date type event, not once. He has said things about me losing weight but generally when I fish for a compliment. He has never said I am pretty though I have asked if he is attracted to me and he said yes. I understand I am not Miss America or a super model but heh, neither is he. I don't stay here because I feel obligated to do so because he took me out of a bad situation. I stay because I truly do love him. I just really feel that he is still put off by my weight even though I am trying hard to change it every day. I even eat the same ole stuff day after day because it is easy on his wallet. I tell myself that I don't need variety and I don't, I have lost 140 pounds but still, it would be nice every once in awhile to have something different. He never really kisses me or puts his arms around me or even holds my hand. He doesn't verbally abuse me or physically abuse me. I felt before like he was trying to protect me because of how strongly I felt about being in public and/or around people but now I just think it is more he is embarrassed of me. I walk around in pants that are way too big and shirts that swallow me up, again to keep it light on his wallet. He sees my clothes don't fit so if he wanted he would offer to take me to get some. I have even mentioned thrift stores and he never says anything. One thing I am proud of is I really really wanted to go in the kitchen and eat everything I could find to punish him but I knew it would really only be punishing me so I worked out instead. I don't want everyone going off from this and thinking my boyfriend is some cruel person that I should be running away from. He does provide me with a roof over my head and food and basics so I am grateful for that anyway.

But enough of my whining and rambling, it don't solve anything.

Thanks again to everyone. Ya'll don't know how much you all and this place mean to me. It is truly my saving point a lot of times.


Lots of love
Michelle

bacilli
09-05-2009, 09:29 PM
From your previous posts, you've indicated that you did not want to meet his family right away, and when you were living in TN you worked from home because you didn't like going out in public. These are things I'm sure he knows. Perhaps he's holding onto those things in order to not offend you or feel like he's pushing you.

My DH works a LOT of hours, and on his day off he avoids leaving the house - he just wants to relax, not make small talk with people, and certainly not go shopping. For the last 2 months, he's been spending his day off helping his mom move, so he's been running non-stop without any true "down time". This week, on his day off, he absolutely refused to leave the house. If your BF has been spending his days off running around, it's not unrealistic that he wants to relax this week.

I'm not saying that there's not a potential for him being a bad guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't want you to read all of these posts by all of these wonderful caring people and lose sight of the fact there may be a logical (in a guy brain sort of way) reason for his recent behavior.

kittycat40
09-05-2009, 09:44 PM
oh, this does not sound easy. I have no answers but to offer up concern and caring for you. please be well and good to your own self-- whatever that may be.
hugs to you

harrismm
09-05-2009, 09:44 PM
Mich-he does not sound like a bad person at all!!But that does not mean he is right for you.I know you have been through a lot!!You have also accomplished sooooo much.The ball is in your court.Think about the dreams you have for yourself.What would you like to do in the future?I totally understand the depression and bpd.I take care of many patients with the same!Social activities might be really beneficial for you.When you feel like someone has saved you....you tend to excuse a lot of behaviors.

SweetCurves32
09-05-2009, 09:44 PM
Just sending you prayers, good thoughts, love and :hug::hug::hug::hug:.

Onederchic
09-05-2009, 09:48 PM
Thanks ladies.

I am just really super confused and conflicted and my emotions are off the chart right now.

I am sure by tomorrow I will be over it. I usually am. I am tough :)

bargoo
09-05-2009, 09:50 PM
You say you love him, but does he love you ?

Onederchic
09-05-2009, 09:51 PM
I would love to say without a doubt, yes he does but quite frankly, even though he does tell me he loves me, I am not 100% sure. I just really feel that it is my weight that is the issue with him and that saddens me.

Elladorine
09-05-2009, 09:53 PM
I really feel the need to speak up as I've been in a very similar situation myself.

I'm not really sure how much of my own personal life I've revealed here in this forum beyond the whole eating right and exercising thing, but I was someone in a very bad situation a few years back. I ended up falling in love with an online friend. (I even remember being scared to death to send him any photos due to my weight, yadda yadda yadda). And while we were trying to figure things out so we could be together in person, I had issues trying to keep up with bills and found myself poverty-stricken. He helped me out a lot there (even kept me from losing my house), and once we found a place to live and was able to put enough money together, I boldly started on my drive halfway across the county to start my life all over. And my car broke down halfway there. He ended up having to drive a thousand miles out to rescue me . . .

I was pretty shaken by a lot of things by the time I finally made it to my new home. I had a horrible, horrible time learning how to drive a stick-shift (we're down to only his car), I got paranoid of driving it through city traffic . . . in fact I think I had a mental breakdown altogether over several things I went through. I had a really hard time adapting to how every little thing in my life had changed entirely and as scared to death to go out in public by myself, even for a walk, let alone a drive.

And before I begin to go through my life story here, I have to say I relate. I totally lost my independence for a while. In fact, I'm still fighting for it. Not with my boyfriend mind you, but with myself.

In your situation, well . . . to be honest I don't know your situation very well except for what I've seen you write these past few months; all I can really do is relate with what I've gone through . . .

The BF works long hours. And with my new-found fear of driving, well, I had a hard time asking to be taken to places, especially when it came to something "un-needed" like make-up. I just felt really self-conscious about it. And he was really good at saying no. Although I did some babysitting for quite a while, throughout most of it I had to be dropped off and picked up. We rarely went anywhere unless it was out to eat on the way home. I just felt like I really had no "me" time.

There was one particular day I asked for something from the store he'd known I'd been wanting for weeks, and he'd promised to take me the next day. And when the next day came, he didn't feel like going.

So your post here really struck a chord with me. :( :hug:

I cried. And after I composed myself, I spelled out a few things to him:


I do not ask for much. It's hardly fair that when I do, I feel like I get brushed aside, especially when I do so much for him at home. We are a team. We are in this life together.

While I'm still not entirely comfortable with the stick shift, I am making a clear effort and have gotten noticeably better with handling the responsibility. I pointed out that conquering my fears and driving on my own would be beneficial for both of us.

My independence is important. I need to get out every so often. I don't get out to work and interact with others every day like he does.

There's nothing wrong about wanting supposedly "un-needed" things, like make-up or new clothes or whatever. I need to be able to buy things for myself. I watched my own mother deny herself so much because she was either afraid to ask for something, didn't feel she deserved it, or was tired of hearing "no." I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

To be honest, I don't think he realized I'd felt I'd lost so much independence or other things I needed until I spelled things out to him. And things have gotten much better since we've talked things through. We've both had to adapt to a lot of changes in order to be together, and it's really easy for one partner to not put themselves in the shoes of the other.

So I especially understand how it feels to move across the country like that, to be with someone new, and to almost feel strange obligations because they pulled you out of a horrible situation, and to even feel like you're trapped in your own home. Heck, I didn't even meet his family for ages upon ages. But anyway, the thing is that you deserve your independence, and that's something he needs to understand. You need to be able to get out for whatever reason, to not feel completely dependent on him. I can imagine you must get antsy, especially that you're done so well with your health.

Hon, I have a feeling you really need to sit down and have a talk with your guy. It doesn't have to be hurtful, angry, or accusing. Wait until you're feeling better then spell out why you feel so hurt over what has happened . . . it's exactly what I had to do, and I'm so glad now that I have, it really helped me find my place. He was even very understanding about it, and we've both taken steps to get better.

Good luck to you, PM me if you ever need a listening ear. :hug:

cfmama
09-05-2009, 09:59 PM
I don't have any good advice. Or advice at all. I am worried that he is taking away your independence or preventing you from having any at all! I think you are a beautiful butterfly ready to FLY and he is trying to shove you back into your cocoon... I wish I know how to help.

Do you guys communicate a lot about your feelings and such? Maybe it's time for a honest to goodness sit down and have a heart to heart.

*much love and hugs*

Onederchic
09-05-2009, 10:07 PM
Sirenity -

I have tried several times in the past couple months of letting him know how I am feeling and though at the time, he seems to understand and is apologetic, a mere day or two later and things are back to "normal".

I am glad to have someone understand my situation to an extent. It was extremely hard when I first got here to ask for anything, even foodwise which is why I ended up with a lot of frozen "diet" dinners and caloric intake of about 900 a day. That has eased some but I still am uncomfortable on asking for "extras". Especially when I hear all the time how he is stressed over money. So of course, I feel bad if I want something that costs more than what he may usually spend so I do without.

I am not sorry I lost the weight I have lost or that I have quit smoking but honestly, I started out doing those things for him and to save him money. I moved from my home, I gave up everything I owned, I changed how I eat, I stopped smoking and I ended my BC (headache powders) addiction for him. Not because he said I had to. The diet changes were an agreed plan before I moved here. The smoking..he said we would both have to quit because it was too expensive so I quit and he still smokes. BCs, he complained about how many I took and how often he had to buy them so I quit them. Now, all these things benefited me, no doubt and I am happy for that but I just wish he would acknowledge more of all the things I have accomplished.


I never ever ask for anything except the 35-40 bucks he spends on my groceries and needed personals so one would think that at some time he would feel like maybe I deserve something extra. But he never does and if I happen to mention something I want or would like to have, it all goes back to money troubles.


But anyway, I keep saying I am gonna stop whining but I just keep going on.


Thanks again for your response, it was helpful (as were many others) :hug::hug:

DCHound
09-05-2009, 10:09 PM
I don't have any advice better than what you've already gotten, except, don't settle. Big hugs!!!!

nooch
09-05-2009, 10:22 PM
Onderchic, I realize we don't know each other at all but I read a lot of your posts and when I read them I say to myself, you know, I wish I had a friend like her.

That said, I wish you could see your posts objectively. What would you say if you had a sister who was in this situation? I'm not suggesting that you immediately pack up and leave or that your situation before you met him was good. However, it really reads to me like he is not at all your boyfriend, more like your keeper or captor. A boyfriend doesn't treat a girlfriend that way.

It is possible that he honestly thinks that he is doing the right things. He isn't.

A lot of places offer free counseling. You should really look into some of them - both for couples counseling and counseling for you.

Diva
09-05-2009, 10:37 PM
Michelle, when I first got with my guy, who I also met online, he "saved" me from an abusive relationship and I was just tired. Physically, emotionally and I just handed my life over to him on a silver platter and said you do it, I'm tired, and he did, and for the first few yrs I was totally fine with that. In fact I must have slept our first year together. He has seen me and stuck by me through my darkest days and it wasn't always pretty, but I am very grateful he did. I had social Anxiety, I didn't even step outside at one point for over a year, and I was clinically depressed, but I got on meds, and had therapy and worked through my issues, and eventually, as I started feeling better, and the weight has started to come off, I have started feeling like ME again. The me I was before the abusive one. Well, this was a big change for him and even though I think he wants me to be Independent, I think he also feels a bit threatened by it. I have even felt he was purposely sabotaging my weight-loss efforts and we fought about it. It's gotten SOOOO Much better since we sat down and had a long talk, and I'll be going back to school in the Spring. We are getting along now better than we ever have girl, and it's been 7.5 yrs together now. I just think you are growing, and your bf may be stuck..he just needs a little push is all. Hopefully.

My point is, I realize you have some issues, but you deserve your independence. Even if it's in baby steps. Even if it's just him carrying you to Walmart for 30 minutes, or going out to eat something different. Going fishing, to the park, whatever. We NEED social interaction sometimes. It sounds to me like you've lost a lot of weight and are regaining some confidence and are ready to start exploring the outside world, and he needs to be able to allow you this. You deserve new clothes that fit, girly things to make you feel pretty, different kinds of food. I really think therapy could be helpful too. Lots of places use a slide-scale thingy. Can you babysit some kids to bring in some extra cash to help pay for the things you want and need? You can't be a recluse forever. Eventually you are going to NEED to get out of that house and Fly butterfly! :hug:

bargoo
09-05-2009, 10:41 PM
Maybe he was raised in a home where the wife is expected to be a doormat. You don't have to be . It seems you have done a lot for him , but I don't see that he has done a whole lot for you. I feel bad for you. I feel that you are settling for far less than you deserve. You should be able to wear clothes that fit , you should be able to get out of the house, my gosh , how can you stand being there all the time ? You need to see other people, go shopping, go for a walk, go out for coffee, anything, it doesn't have to cost a lot. You need someone to talk to. Try and find a part time job, there must be some way you can get around, public transportation mavbe. Ask yourself what is the real reason he wants to keep you isolated ? That is not normal. Is he afraid you will meet someone else ? Is he ashamed of you ? When I was at my heaviest I dated and I was selfconscious about my weight, but it didn't seem to bother anyone else. If people care about you they don't care about how you look. They may be concerned about your health but generally they are not bothered by your weight.You deserve better than what you are getting.

Elladorine
09-05-2009, 11:16 PM
Onederchic- I'm glad we were able to relate in some way here. I have to agree with a lot of when Diva has said here, as I was also in a similar situation as her . . .

I don't really know what situation you got yourself out of when your current boyfriend "came to the rescue," but like Diva, I'd been in an abusive relationship, was diagnosed with depression, and still have some horrible social anxieties even to this day (although I'm getting better). I'd pretty much given up on the world and even myself before my current boyfriend came into the picture and made me realize that I was worth it and had a future to look forward to. But he has agreed to help me get back on my feet. He knows I've been through a lot and can't either be pushed too hard or left to fend completely for myself.

It really can take a lot to get you back on your feet. I know I definitely took baby steps, and I still find myself doing so. I often take a moment to reassure myself that I'm making progress in all areas of my life, and my boyfriend can't help but agree; and in doing so he acknowledges that I'm getting better, even in those moments where I don't have to set him up to say so. ;)

It's good that you've at least talked to him about how you're feeling, although I think it's safe to say there's still a lot of talking ahead of you. I think you'll have to find ways to hold your ground. He's sympathetic adn receptive at the time, but whenever he lets things go back to "normal," take a moment to reiterate that you're serious about wanting to go to the store (or wherever), that you *need* to get out of the house, even if it's only for the sake of getting out of the house! When he mentions your doggy has those separation issues, insist that it would do him some good to spend a little time alone in the house; and besides, you're not changing your mind about going because it's something you *need* to do. Hold your ground, girl!

The boyfriend and I do all our grocery shopping together now, and it's actually become a fun occasion to look forward to. Luckily he's encouraging these changes within me, but I have a feeling your boyfriend may be feeling threatened, especially after a year and a half of things basically being handled the same. Maybe after a few of those baby steps are taken, he'll begin to realize that there's nothing to fear from letting you grow back into an independent individual. It will be less stress on the both of you! :)

A few side notes . . . I quit both smoking and drinking for my boyfriend; he despises both habits. But I was fine with that, in fact I did it mostly for myself (even if he was the one that requested I do so). At the same time, I think I'd be annoyed/angry/hurt if he'd asked me to quit either of those things (either for financial or health reasons) yet continued to do them himself.

I didn't put myself on any type of "diet" until recently; we were mostly eating convenience and restaurant foods, not only because I dislike cooking, but I even felt self-conscious in doing so! But I'm weird like that. I felt so self-conscious about every little aspect of my life when I moved out here and it's taken time to settle. Part of my healing is taking care of my health; it's very fortunate that it's something you tackled head-on so early in your relationship! :)

And as for not working . . . I haven't been needed to babysit for a while and I'm not currently working a "regular" job. It really can be hard to ask for what feels like "extras" when you're not contributing to the bills, especially when those bills are tight. But we all need those extras. You're entitled to get new clothes and the like, to try new foods. You deserve to be taken out every so often. Even if you're not directly contributing to the bills you two are supposed to be a team. You should be making financial decisions together, after all, you live in the same household.

Once again, good luck to you. :hug: And once again, let me know if you ever need a listening ear or someone to relate to. :)

Onederchic
09-05-2009, 11:27 PM
Sirenity -

As to my previous situation, I will pm you, if that's okay. I will also say here that it was not a romantic relationship that I was in previously. Before my husband, whom I met at 17, I had dated casually a few times (had really strict parents and when I did go on a date, one of my older sisters had to accompany me). My husband and I were together for 12 years. Then after he passed there was noone until my current boyfriend.

I agree with what you are saying. I need to be more assertive and stand my ground but he makes it difficult. I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home which really does nothing good for me emotionally, it really only helps make the negative feelings I hold about myself grow.

I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.

I just really feel my weight is what the issue is for him. I can't lose any faster than I am unless I starve myself and I ain't doing that.

I don't know really know anything much right now. I just want to feel appreciated and loved and pretty. Maybe one day.

bargoo
09-05-2009, 11:34 PM
And when you have lost all the weight, will you be good enough for him ? I am sorry if I sound harsh, but love does not put demands on those we care about.

Onederchic
09-05-2009, 11:36 PM
I have no idea, really. I just pray, I reckon that one day it will be enough. I know that same lame and stupid but it is how I feel :(

harrismm
09-06-2009, 12:02 AM
Mich-I think you know that its not about the weight.Right?

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 12:05 AM
Well, since I am still a lot overweight, I guess it could be? I dunno :|

harrismm
09-06-2009, 12:08 AM
Its not.And if it is...hes not the right guy:)

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 12:15 AM
If not the weight, then what is it?

canadia
09-06-2009, 12:20 AM
I have no idea, really. I just pray, I reckon that one day it will be enough. I know that same lame and stupid but it is how I feel :(

Onederchic, I'm sorry, but this is very unhealthy. If he has a problem with your weight, that's his problem, not yours. If he can't love you because of your weight, then why do you want to be with him? Why do you want to be with someone who would only be attracted to you because of your body? You're more than just your weight -- you're a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, and a woman. Just from reading this thread, I know you like dogs and working out, and you're very brave for getting yourself out of a bad situation. There's so much more to you than just numbers on a scale.

You said:

I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home...
I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.

What do any of these problems have to do with how much you weigh? Nothing. You sacrificing your independence and his unwillingness to respond to your needs has nothing to do with your weight. If he doesn't listen to you now, he's not going to listen to you when you're thin.

And if he does do a complete 180 just because you've lost weight, then he's a jerk. And you don't need him in your life.

Primm
09-06-2009, 12:26 AM
If not the weight, then what is it?

It's him.

It's about being in control, and not allowing you to be the strong, independant woman that you are, because that would mean he wasn't in charge. It's about his need to suppress who you really are to make him feel manly, or powerful, or something.

IT IS NOT YOU! This man is abusive. Period. I went through this, and it took me 15 years to believe in myself sufficiently to say enough! I don't deserve this. I deserve someone who loves me. Saying you love someone is easy. Demonstrating it is much more difficult.

I don't want to see you go through what I did. Because word for word (the social isolation, the control of money, the issue of not working), your situation is like mine was. And eventually I saw it for the abusive, abnormal situation that it was, but like I said, it took me 15 years.

Like the others have said, take a step back and look at your life objectively. If your best friend or sister was being treated like you are, what would you say to them? What advice would you give?

You are a sensible, rational person, but sometimes when we get caught up in these types of situations we can't see the forest for the trees. Please, please, please, get some support. Professionally, from family, from friends, or just keep coming back here. Evaluate where you are and how you want to get to where you want to be. And then decide if this man is helping or hindering you.

Take care chicky. We all care about you. I'm glad you're still visiting this thread. PM me if you want to talk.

:hug::hug::hug:

nelie
09-06-2009, 12:30 AM
It really doesn't sound like you are in a healthy relationship but I really think you need to work on that with your boyfriend.

As for the independance, is there any public transportation in your area? You could always use public transportation as a means of getting out/getting a job if it is available.

Otherwise, are there odd jobs you could do in your area? I'm not sure what type of community you live in and what might be available. House cleaning? Lawn work? Stable work? Child care? Dog walking?

GradPhase
09-06-2009, 12:32 AM
:hug:

walking2lose
09-06-2009, 12:41 AM
If not the weight, then what is it?

I'm not sure what it is, except I feel fairly certain too that it's not about the weight. I mean, gosh, you've lost 130 POUNDS! He should be jumping up and down and singing your praises every day, supporting and encouraging you. The fact that he is not doing that is not about you, it's about HIM.

Like others I can relate to some aspects of your situation - I was in a long relationship (9 years) with a guy who was not overly affectionate unless he were feeling in the mood. I could write several paragraphs describing the relationship, but I won't. The bottom line is that I never really 100% felt loved. I had to "fish" for compliments and reassurance. It's not the same when it's not given freely. The thing is I knew deep down that he was not right for me - he wasn't a horrible guy or anything but he wasn't giving me what I needed. He never saw a successful relationship from his parents - maybe that's why.

I always thought if I only tried harder, the relationship would work... it took me years to realize it was not me... it was HIM.

I have now been married for 5 years to a wonderful, loving, king, supportive man. He compliments me EVERY day, many times over without ANY prompting whatsoever. He had his arm around me (not in a gross way) in the checkout line at the grocery store today. I don't have to ask if he loves me, he TELLS me and SHOWS me all the time.

My ex, by the way, makes a lot of money and has married a doctor who also makes a lot of money. My husband and I both teach - we are doing fine but certainly not flush with money. The ex and his wife live in a huge house on the water about 40 minutes from where I live. From the outside, I know their life looks pretty ideal. But there are times when I think about them and actually feel sorry for her. Maybe he is different with her but I don't think so. He was not a bad person or an ogre, but he did not know how to treat a woman.

There are many other fish in the sea. Sorry for the tired cliche. I know starting over is hard - I finally ended my relationship when I was 30, spent some time on my own, and then was ready to date. I went out with several guys who I didn't click with at all and then met my current husband on a BLIND DATE (yep, they can work out!). I was 36 when I married - a very late bloomer I know. But, gosh, when I think of what my life would have been like had I married my ex... Oh my.

Please know that while your boyfriend isn't a terrible person, he may not be capable of giving you the kind of love you need and DESERVE. You must believe that there is someone else out there who can.

Like others, I hope that I too have not overstepped my bounds. I share my story only because I relate and feel that you are not truly happy with your situation... I think that deep down, if you are honest with your self, you know you deserve better.

Institches21
09-06-2009, 02:08 AM
Sweetie, you are not whinning, and please don't ever think, that just wanting to be loved and respected is whinning. You are one of the sweetest girls, that always has something nice to say, to everyone. Your BF should be blind to your weight and see your beautiful heart.

I can't stress this enough you need to leave the house, once and a while. Do you go for a walk around the block or take the dog for a walk? Sunshine, and Fresh Air can do wonders for one's health.

Maybe sitting down and talking to your BF, will help, have you ever told him, you need to go to walmart and food shopping and maybe out on a date, once and a while. The dog will be fine, trust me, the more you get him/her used to it, the better, {remember those walks, are not only helping you, but the dog}

Take Care, I wish you all the Best

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 06:19 AM
Thanks so much to everyone. You have all been here for me and it means a lot. I appreciate all the advice and information everyone has shared with me. I love each and every one of ya...no, really I do!

♥ Michelle

TaraLee
09-06-2009, 08:49 AM
You and I don't know eachother. I've read a some of your posts on here, where you give a lot of other people support....
This being said, please don't take what I say offensively because honestly, from everything I've read I'm just being objectively honest. I grew up in a house of domestic abuse. My work field experience was dealing with at risk youth in a female facility where I saw your stories like yours unfold DOZENS of times!
We called it "White Knight Syndrom" or "Hero Syndrom" at the facility. The guys who come in and "rescue" you from a horrible life (with the girls it was abusive parents, poverty, prior abusive relationships). What we impressed upon the girls is that unless your being rescued from a burning building or the like, the only one who can save you, is you and just because this person may have removed you from that situation, all they did was relocate you geographically and give your somewhere you felt safe. Its okay to be grateful but there's the line, grateful, not eternally devoted. You correlate your better-ment to this man and now feel a deep love (you may have even loved him before the move) and devotion to him, whether he is worthy or not. And to be really frank sweetie, in your case...he's not. Here's how I see it...
You don't work because he doesn't want to work the transportation around the one car, that's bull****. I say this because later in your posts you also point out how you don't feel comfortable asking for "extras" (clothing BTW...not an extra, defined as a need) and when you do mention it he complains about the money. He can't have it both ways. If he's that stressed over finances, even if he WANTS to provide for you and just can't, if he knows that by you working you would be 1- happier, 2- better taken care of and 3- there'd be less stress in the house over finances and he still won't help you work than you need to think about this. Either he makes enough to adequatley provide for you (its not like, from what I see, that your asking for $100 items here, thriftstore clothes like Salvation Army, $2 per item) or your going to need to provide, at least in part, for yourself and he's going to have to work out the car situation. The best solution would be to find a job you could walk to, take a bus, or work from home again. I'd approach him with this. Tell him it'd make you happy. If he still comes up with reasons or says "no," then you really know its all about control for him.
Think about it...he controls what you eat, what you do, where you go, how you dress, you routines and even your habits...the man is ALL about control. And if you've asked to meet his family now, why not? I'd be demanding to know why not at this point because obviously there's a bigger issue here.
He makes demands on you for change (how you eat, quit smoking, stop the BC) stating its for monetary reasons...but than he doesn't change. Just because he's supporting you does NOT...NOT make this okay. Most people see it as "it's his dime, so if he wants to keep smoking (or insert any other costly habbit here), than its okay." NO IT IS NOT!! Just because he makes the money does not make you any less a part of your lives together. Its still 50/50 and what goes for you should go for him, or he doesn't view you guys as equals.
Please, please, please, find a job you can get to. Take a bus, walk, befriend a neighbor who could give rides, but get out there and start making your own way, living your own life. I can't see you as the type of person, now, who would want to keep living like this. You could do so much better. You're beautiful, inside and out!! Your life doesn't start later, your living it now, so make it the life you want!!

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 09:04 AM
Thank you for the response and concern, TaraLee. It means a lot to me. I can not say with any definite response what I will or won't be doing except that I will be giving the whole situation a lot of thought.

Thanks again.

Hugs
Michelle

platformnine
09-06-2009, 09:09 AM
This sort of sounds like he's keeping you in a cage... >:C When my BF makes me cry (which only happened once) I make sure he KNOWS what he did to piss me off and that he never ever does that again. I would try to talk to your BF about this, because one little errand isn't going to kill him and if he loves you then he should want to take you places.

I completely agree with what TaraLee says!!!

rockinrobin
09-06-2009, 09:10 AM
Sweetie, I don't have much to add, but I just have to tell you this - this is not how it's supposed to be. He may have taken you out of one situation - but you're right back in another one. He's not going to change. A man that loves you, puts your needs ahead of his. And I'm not seeing this, not even a little bit. This IS a form of abuse. And you deserve better then this.

You have overcome so many obstacles in your life. Your strong, intelligent, resourceful, powerful, kind and beautiful. I am frightened for you. I urge you to reconsider this relationship. :hug:

bargoo
09-06-2009, 09:26 AM
You have had some great advice here. Granted we don't know the other side. You have told us a lot even in what you don't say, We are reading between the lines. I am concerned about his not wanting you to meet his parents ? Why ?
Is he ashamed of you ? OR does he consider this a temporary situation , so why bother meeting the parents. There used to be a saying among guys " the way to keep her home is to keep her broke, barefoot and pregnant." He almost qualifies there, no money, no necessary clothing, keeping you at home all the time. This is a very sad situation and you deserve better. I hope you will reread the postings here, they are heartfelt. You deserve better than the crumbs he is throwing your way. I will say it again ,you deserve better. You could have a much more fulfilling life. You have much to offer. You deserve better than the meager existance you have, now. You deserve better.

kiramira
09-06-2009, 09:45 AM
Hi hon!

I've read your posts and the responses and all I would like to say is that you ARE a wonderful, caring, kind person who needs someone who cherishes her as much as you cherish the other.
I have no idea as to what you could or should do with respect to your relationship. But I know what you MUST do with respect to YOU. And what you MUST do is find a way to become independent. You have to take care of yourself. You absolutely NEED to have your own resources and funds --whether through disability money into your OWN account or through a job or whatEVER -- but you HAVE to be able to give yourself the ability to control your own life.

This isn't about him, this is about you -- if you aren't able to provide for yourself, you don't have ANY options if your situation becomes unlivable -- suppose he becomes physical (you never know, it could happen) or HE slides into addiction or he gets sick and can no longer work. Then just add a couple of children to the mix...THEN what??

Seriously, hon, I'm not suggesting you leave. Only YOU know what you want from a relationship and only YOU are living your life. But you HAVE to be able to be self-sufficient for YOU and for no one else. At the very least, you need your own source of income and your own bank account. For YOU...

:hug:

Kira

salsa chip
09-06-2009, 09:53 AM
:hug:

I don't want to say much, mostly because others have said it much better than I can hope to. But just a couple of things for you:

+ You are one fantastic lady. I really mean this, I really do, with all my heart. I've only been here about a month and a half and already you (yes, you!) have given me so much support and inspiration when things have been tough, and just like your custom title a couple of weeks back, you have been the main cheerleader when I've been joyous about the successes. You are an invaluable part of 3fc, in my eyes, and what you say here really does touch so many people's lives. Don't forget that - don't ever forget the part you play in helping people here take control of their lives and change it for the better.

+ You already know, deep down in your heart, where your relationship/situation is going. You might "want" something different, or try to talk yourself into thinking and believing something else (I've done this myself). But you know, and there's no denying that small voice inside. Whichever direction that voice tells you to go, I urge you to be brave...and true to yourself.

:hug: We love you, Onder!

Jen
09-06-2009, 10:10 AM
:hug: I won't add too much here either because everyone has pretty much said what I've been thinking as well. This situation doesn't sound quite right to me but having said that you are communicating with a lot of women who were brought up to be super independent and so your situation sounds just as foreign as if we were talking to a villager from Central America. Is it wrong, is it right? In some ways it sounds like you are talking yourself into accepting it even though deep down you know it isn't. I see people on tv, say for example men who are Mormons and have 3 wives and 15 kids and while the rest of us don't think that is a normal situation they all are happy about it and nothing anyone can say will convince them of anything different. I don't get that from you. I sense that you know something is not quite right. All we can do is support you and I'm glad you reached out to us and are willing to talk about it. I think you are a wonderful person and have accomplished so much. Don't settle for something that you know isn't right for you.:hug:

TaraLee
09-06-2009, 10:11 AM
:hug: I know I already posted, but, :hug:
My last post may have come off harsh, but I was being as honest as I could. Hind sight I could've softened it up some.
:hug:

Lexxiss
09-06-2009, 10:41 AM
Michelle,

I applaud your losing soooooooooooooooooooo much weight. I have come a long way, too. You started 55 pounds heavier than me, and you have lost 13 more than I have.

At 204 pounds, I no longer consider myself an undesirable person. I am chubby, but certainly don't consider that anyone would be judging me by my weight right now.

You and I both want to lose more, but by looking at your pics and mine I think we're both ok. My DH seems to think I look great and he married me at 158.

I'm not saying this regarding how BF sees you but how you see you. You are skinnier than alot of people your age!!

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 10:54 AM
It's interesting you say that, Lexxis. I mean, I am not blind so I do realize I have lost weight but for me, most times when I look in the mirror I still see 330 pounds. I have very low self esteem and I do tend to believe that everyone else around me (which at this time would be my bf) is thinking the same negative things about me so I stay in a defensive mode which I am sure doesn't make it easy on the other side of things (my bf's side).

I am not making excuses for him or anything. I do really believe that the way his actions, or lack thereof, make me feel are completely wrong. Maybe it's my weight, maybe not. Maybe it's the fact that I lied to him for 5 years about my looks and it bothers him more than he thought it would, maybe not. Maybe he is a self centered ******* who doesn't deserve someone like me, maybe not. I don't have any answers for myself. I do realize, with the help of this site, that I do need to work on my own self esteem issues. How can I believe someone else will love me if I don't even love myself?

salsa chip
09-06-2009, 10:58 AM
I don't have any answers for myself. I do realize, with the help of this site, that I do need to work on my own self esteem issues. How can I believe someone else will love me if I don't even love myself?

These are really important questions. I'm working on them myself. Is there any chance that you could talk to a therapist?

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:01 AM
Before I moved here, I went to a counseling center. I was brought in on a crisis intervention and for that reason, I never had to pay for sessions. Here though, I am really isolated and know only my boyfriend and have no idea of any resources to get to and from a therapist for no money. And I am surely not going the crisis intervention route again, the last time it was suicide intervention and well, I don't want to ever be in that state of mind again :|

Windchime
09-06-2009, 11:19 AM
It's interesting you say that, Lexxis. I mean, I am not blind so I do realize I have lost weight but for me, most times when I look in the mirror I still see 330 pounds. I have very low self esteem and I do tend to believe that everyone else around me (which at this time would be my bf) is thinking the same negative things about me so I stay in a defensive mode which I am sure doesn't make it easy on the other side of things (my bf's side).

I looked at your progress pictures the other day. You certainly do not look like 330 pounds anymore; you look like a normal weight, attractive woman. Lots of people here report the same phenomenon; it's hard for us to see how we look now because the old image is burned in our brains. When you feel that way, go back and look at your pictures. There is a marked difference.


I am not making excuses for him or anything. I do really believe that the way his actions, or lack thereof, make me feel are completely wrong. Maybe it's my weight, maybe not. Maybe it's the fact that I lied to him for 5 years about my looks and it bothers him more than he thought it would, maybe not. Maybe he is a self centered ******* who doesn't deserve someone like me, maybe not. I don't have any answers for myself. I do realize, with the help of this site, that I do need to work on my own self esteem issues. How can I believe someone else will love me if I don't even love myself?

Does it matter why he's being this way? Really? Would it be somehow more "right" for him to treat you this way if it was your weight, as opposed to your initial lie, as oppsed to him being self-centered? Yes, it was a mistake to not be honest with him in the beginning but you have apologized and he needs to get over that if it's still bugging him.

My main concern is that you are so isolated. It's true; we are here for you as your virtual community of chick-friends, but it's not the same as someone living close by who can share a coffee, a smile, a hug with you. :hug: Is there any public transportation where you live?

Serendipity
09-06-2009, 11:21 AM
Michelle, I agree with the other posters here -- it sounds like you're in a situation that is making you unhappy, and you deserve to feel better. You have access to the internet, and you can start investigating those resources, with or without your boyfriend's help. You've mentioned having very low self-esteem and that you've had (or have?) agoraphobia. Is it possible that those factors are coming into play as well? Meaning that you're also playing a part in your isolation, in that it relieves you of the fear of being out there in the world? Please understand, I'm not "blaming the victim" in any sense here, I just feel concerned that you're in a difficult situation. :(

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be functional, in your relationship and in society. You deserve to be cared for, by yourself and by those around you. You clearly have the support of many people here, even if they're not physically next door to you. I hope that things get better for you.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:25 AM
I will admit, that yes when I came here, I was very adamant about not meeting anyone or going anywhere. I just wasn't ready. But now I am ready, for the most part. I still have my own issues with myself but I am more than willing to push them aside to meet his parents and son and co workers and whomever else and to get out of this damn house from time to time. I have expressed this to him but he still believes I am not ready, or so he has stated, and I guess he believes he is protecting me in a sense..though I may be completely off base with that theory. :|

Judy Lynn
09-06-2009, 11:37 AM
I mean, I am not blind so I do realize I have lost weight but for me, most times when I look in the mirror I still see 330 pounds.

Hey there you little pixie! When I look at your pictures I see someone normal. Look at this gal, she looks great!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v504/shelspray/070709.jpg

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:43 AM
Aww Judy :hug::hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:59 AM
I was just sitting here thinking back on my life and I have never really been a social person with many or few friends.

Growing up, my parents were pretty strict, which I have mentioned. I wasn't in the "popular" crowd at school, I was just in the middle.

My husband and I were together 12 years before he passed. We did go out together at times but more often than not, now that I look back on it, I opted to stay home while he went out with the "boys".

After he passed, besides going to work and back, I never left home. Then once my parents passed, I became even more of a recluse.

I have joined numerous sites and forums, etc in the past couple years but none and I mean absolutely none can even compare to this site. The people here are the best. So supportive, so encouraging. I know it will not "match" a friendship in the "real world" but for me, for now, this is the highlight of my day, everyday since I found it.


Ya'll give me belief that all hope for myself, my life is not long gone. I am finally able to see that I do deserve to love myself. To feel good and proud about my accomplishments.

There are some of you, I won't mention names, that have gone above and beyond the call of an "internet friend" and that moves me, really moves me.

Now I know when I am thinking all hope is lost, that I am alone...I can come here and quickly be reminded that I have a lot of friends that do care about me.


So, to each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Ya'll have helped this girl to want to have a life, her life, for herself and no one else. To be happy for herself. To love herself.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 12:02 PM
And to add to that, I may not have a plan mapped out for that but I am just so glad to know that I don't have to give up on myself.

platformnine
09-06-2009, 12:03 PM
We love you!!!! :hug: You're a beautiful and wonderful person, and don't you ever forget it!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 12:04 PM
Thanks so much, Mary :hug::hug::hug:

pucedaisy
09-06-2009, 12:11 PM
Michelle, you deserve all the love in the world. You are a beautiful, caring, intelligent woman and you have inspired and encouraged so many people here. Your sorrows make me sad, but I am so glad to hear that you have made the decision to start loving yourself. From what we have seen, when you make up your mind to do something, you will do it!:hug::hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 12:15 PM
:hug::hug::hug: pucedaisy

Diva
09-06-2009, 12:17 PM
Michelle, I had quoted a lot of what people said here but decided not to because it's been said countless times. But I do want to say that none of this is YOU! NONE of it. It's him being an A-hole and being an abusive controlling freak. Sorry. I don't mean to sound verbally abusive myself, but that's what I see and how I feel.

You are a bright light here at 3FC and look how many people LOVE you in the short time you've been here....I've even left this place and when I came back lurking after months of being away, it was your bright light that drew me back in. You are a beautiful, positive person inside and out and if he can't see that, well, it's his own stupidity. I showed my man your before & after pics, and I've told him about this thread a long the way reading him tid-bits, and he say's you are very cute, and applauds that you've lost so much in such a short time, as he's been watching me struggle with my weight for yrs. He even says you're in an abusive situation and deserves better. We've even said if we had the money and the room to put you up, we'd already be on our way to get you!

I can understand when you look into the mirror you still see 330, pound woman. I know that's a problem with a lot of previously heavy people, but the fact of the matter is YOU ARE NOT! Your boyfriend and his behavior towards you is aiding in keeping you there mentally. This is his CONTROL over you; perhaps this is a reason why he won't buy you new clothes that fit.

All I know is, this is a bad situation and you don't deserve to be treated like this or talked down to like this. His words to you have you believing that you are not worthy and that's just wrong! It's ok to not be satisfied with things and to complain and try and change it to make you happy. It's ok to ask for better fitting clothes, make up or a dang ride to Wal-Mart! It's NOT okay for him to make you feel like a nag and totally disregard your feelers. It's not okay!

Now I can tell you as others have, THIS IS ABUSE! I really hope you contact an abuse center and get out of there. You have no means of support, no transportation or even decent clothes to wear even if you can get a job. These people will help you with all of that. I know you have a doggy and you don't want to leave him/her, and some places can help with that too, but if now, you have got to think of yourself here. Perhaps a neighbor or someone will be willing to take your pet for a while if not forever so you can care for you! I was in an abuse shelter here in my town and it was the BEST thing I ever did. It was a regular house, in a regular neighborhood. They gave me a room (sometimes shared), clothes, helped me with a job, transportation and allowed me to stay until I had enough money saved up to get my own place. I was there when 9/11 happened. I shared that moment in time and history with other abuse survivors and it bonded us and we are still friends to this day. I even saw them set up this one lady and her kids in an apartment. That's what they do girl, and you definitely qualify!
Please consider doing that honey. Perhaps they could even get you back down here where the world is a little more familiar and comfortable for you. I've also seem shelters transport woman from one region to another, one shelter to another. Please think about it. You deserve better than what you're getting...

That's all I can say for now. Just know that I am so worried about you and care about you so much and it's so frustrating to not be able to reach through this computer and get you and help you out myself. But you have to see this for yourself. You have to do this for yourself. it's okay to be grateful to him for saving you from a situation, but like Robyn said, you're in another one that he's created, and I've wondered is this his way of punishing you for allowing him to believe you were smaller for so long and then telling him the truth right before he was to take your relationship to another level???

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 12:27 PM
Diva,

Just wanted to let you know that I have read your response. It is emotional for me. I will get back with a reply either here or pm when I can better put to words what I feel/think.

Thanks girl, you know I ♥ ya.

xoxox
Michelle

Diva
09-06-2009, 12:33 PM
Okay sweetie, I didn't mean to upset you or make you emotional. I'm just very concerned and worried about my friend. :hug:
♥ ya back!
~Roni

Windchime
09-06-2009, 12:43 PM
And to add to that, I may not have a plan mapped out for that but I am just so glad to know that I don't have to give up on myself.

I am so happy to hear that. :) Like you, I'm not a super social person either. Sometimes I want to be, but I just am not really sure how to go about it. So I do know what you mean about opting to stay home much of the time. I'm lucky in that I have a job to go to 5 days a week and so I do get some good social interaction there. If not for my job, though, I would find it to be really tough.

You are such a sweetheart. You are the perky little cheerleader in this forum; always so supportive and cheerful and offering up kind-hearted, sincere comments. You are the person I would like to have as a neighbor or to meet at a potluck. If you only learn one thing from us today, please know this. :hug:

nineoceansaway
09-06-2009, 12:46 PM
Like others I can relate to some aspects of your situation - I was in a long relationship (9 years) with a guy who was not overly affectionate unless he were feeling in the mood. I could write several paragraphs describing the relationship, but I won't. The bottom line is that I never really 100% felt loved. I had to "fish" for compliments and reassurance. It's not the same when it's not given freely. The thing is I knew deep down that he was not right for me - he wasn't a horrible guy or anything but he wasn't giving me what I needed. He never saw a successful relationship from his parents - maybe that's why.

I always thought if I only tried harder, the relationship would work... it took me years to realize it was not me... it was HIM.

Please know that while your boyfriend isn't a terrible person, he may not be capable of giving you the kind of love you need and DESERVE. You must believe that there is someone else out there who can.


Wow! This describes my situation to a t! I just left my ex after 6 years of dating. I am in counseling and my counselor told me it would have happened sooner or later, we just had different needs, and were on different paths. I KNOW there is someone out there who can make me DELIRIOUSLY happy, some day!

Thanks for posting this!

Serephina
09-06-2009, 01:00 PM
Sweetie, I don't have advice and I can't say what is going on in your relationship (except that you two should have a calm talk about it), but I am definitely thinking about you. A lot. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 01:11 PM
Thanks very much WindChime and Serephina :hug::hug:

Echo
09-06-2009, 01:24 PM
As most of you know, I do not work due to the fact that my bf does not want to have to take me back and forth and yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, I got a little tiny 15 dollar check today from a survey place. He just called here from work on break and I asked him if Monday when he is off, can he run me to cash it and to Wal Mart to buy me some new foundation. Now, seriously, I have been here almost a year and a half and have been out of the house maybe 10 tens so I rarely go anywhere or ask to go anywhere. His answer to me was "We'll see. I have been going somewhere every week and I may not want to this week." What the ****? I have been crying ever since and I am just so...hurt.

aww Michelle :hug: first of all, can i say that i absolutely love your avator!! its so cool and i love the sentiment.

I am so sorry to hear that you are upset, If i were you, i would be upset too. that must be very hard that you're not able to leave the house as often as you would like. is it difficult to travel around NY is it? cause of lack of transport ? it must be very difficult to have to rely on him all the time to take you here and there.

i'm not sure what to advice you,. but maybe tell him how you feel about it. and maybe coming up with some sort of solution? maybe catching the bus or train or something? or getting a small car just for yourself? or if you havent got a licence, learning to drive. and then you can get a job and pay for it yourself and feel more independent.

sorry if i'm overstepping my mark. i just hate to see you so upset. you have come so far!! and you're such an inspiration to us all.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 02:02 PM
Echo, you are not overstepping anything and I appreciate everything you have to say, always :hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 02:10 PM
Diva -

I truly appreciate your story, concern and understanding. You, like others here, have really worked your way into my heart. This is the only place I have ever felt I can truly be honest.

I know right now I am not ready to try to do anything much other than work on trying to love who I am now.

I have wrote down numbers offered up to me in advice on this situation and bookmarked websites. When/if I feel those are truly needed, I know I will have them and will use them.


My emotions still now are all over the place so this isn't the detailed response to you I had envisioned. Just know that you mean a lot to me, as others here, and your advice/thoughts/opinions are not ignored.

xoxoxox
Michelle

Echo
09-06-2009, 02:15 PM
Sirenity -

As to my previous situation, I will pm you, if that's okay. I will also say here that it was not a romantic relationship that I was in previously. Before my husband, whom I met at 17, I had dated casually a few times (had really strict parents and when I did go on a date, one of my older sisters had to accompany me). My husband and I were together for 12 years. Then after he passed there was noone until my current boyfriend.

I agree with what you are saying. I need to be more assertive and stand my ground but he makes it difficult. I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home which really does nothing good for me emotionally, it really only helps make the negative feelings I hold about myself grow.

I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.

I just really feel my weight is what the issue is for him. I can't lose any faster than I am unless I starve myself and I ain't doing that.

I don't know really know anything much right now. I just want to feel appreciated and loved and pretty. Maybe one day.

Michelle, no one should beg for affection or attention :(, it just breaks my heart to see that.

i once read this book that explains about how to shift the power in a relationship, the more you run after a person the more they will evade you. so the trick is to be more independent. its not about playing hard to get, but to find things that inspire you, that you feel excited about and then you get busy doing those things. and then naturally the person will draw closer to you.

i dont think its the weight thing at all. and no way should you ever ever starve, cause that wont work any faster at losing weight anyways.

you just concentrate on yourself and start taking baby steps as others have suggested, in getting out there in the world. maybe do some volunteering work , it helps the soul to help others. and you're so supportive to us here. you have that caring nature within yourself naturally.

Diva
09-06-2009, 02:18 PM
Diva -

I truly appreciate your story, concern and understanding. You, like others here, have really worked your way into my heart. This is the only place I have ever felt I can truly be honest.

I know right now I am not ready to try to do anything much other than work on trying to love who I am now.

I have wrote down numbers offered up to me in advice on this situation and bookmarked websites. When/if I feel those are truly needed, I know I will have them and will use them.


My emotions still now are all over the place so this isn't the detailed response to you I had envisioned. Just know that you mean a lot to me, as others here, and your advice/thoughts/opinions are not ignored.

xoxoxox
Michelle

I'm here for you, and Sparkpeople, and Plurk whenever you need me gf. I'm not going anywhere. :)
Love ya pretty girl!:hug:
~Roni

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 02:20 PM
Awww I love you too, Roni :hug::hug:

souvenirdarling
09-06-2009, 02:20 PM
Michelle, there is a total socialite in you somewhere. You're such an important presence here, if you'd have the confidence to get out there, I can see you enjoying a night with the girls! :)

We all have so much respect for you and draw from you in terms of weight loss. You have physically turned yourself into a whole new woman!!!! If you're unhappy with other parts of yourself, you can change them too! What's shyness compared to over 100 pounds?? Different, yes, but you can so do it!

You absolutely must get a job, m'dear! It can be a nerve wracking process, but making your own money will really be freeing and satisfying!

You will be able to gain some independence and confidence, ease your husband's financial problems my making a contribution of your own.

You will be able to enjoy some nice social conversation with new people.

Because you'll be away during your shift, you'll actually be able to look forward to going home!

Imagine being able to buy the groceries yourself, and making your husband a nice dinner that he didn't have to worry about the cost of. Or see a movie. A date!

You could start by walking to work - get some activity in ;) When you have more money, you could get bus passes, arrange a car pool with someone, get a bike! Sorry, dear, you aren't fat enough for your body to be an excuse ;)

And who cares what kind of job it is, or if you have any job skills? Get a part-time one, if you prefer. Some places include uniforms, so you wouldn't need a new wardrobe. I work in a cafe, running around all day (admittedly, partly running from the desserts.) I enjoy seeing so many people every day! Work at a grocery store, where you'd also be on your feet a lot and it would contribute to your amazing progress. My BF works at a McDonalds and he Gets *amazing* insurance :)

I'll give your husband a benefit of a doubt here: Maybe if you're less of a financial burden and someone who needs to be taken care, he can start appreciating you for the person you are?

Being financially independent will give you many more options in how you actively work on your marriage - and gives you other options in how to take care of yourself if the marriage doesn't get better. This really is your next step :)

And you know we'd all be cheering you on and excited to hear about it.

Diva
09-06-2009, 02:23 PM
you just concentrate on yourself and start taking baby steps as others have suggested, in getting out there in the world. maybe do some volunteering work , it helps the soul to help others. and you're so supportive to us here. you have that caring nature within yourself naturally.

I agree.
Michelle, I think you'd be an awesome Nurse, or some sort of field where you help and support peoples. Physical Therapy or whatnot. ;)

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 02:24 PM
You ladies have put a smile on my face, thanks so much!!! I needed it :hug::hug:

DCHound
09-06-2009, 02:32 PM
Michelle, can you join your local freecycle to at least get some clothes that fit and a bicycle? freecycle.org I suspect if you emailed the person doing the donation and explained you have no means of transportation they would even deliver...freecycle folks tend to be nice like that.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 02:38 PM
I will check it out. Thanks so much!!

Butterfly50
09-06-2009, 02:38 PM
Onederchic I jest wanted to say that you got some great advice here from these ladies. I am a stay at home mom and I dont drive I have such a fear of learning to drive. I have been married to my husband for 23 Years. I Always let him know in advance that I need to go somewhere the next day or if the children have a doc apt. He might complain at first but he gets over it quick. I dont work cause my Husband leaves Early in the am and He usually dont get home until Evening time Its jest more of a scheduling thing.

But let me say as far as Looking for a thearpist . I dont know your what denomation ( Religon)you are but their is alot of people out their. My suggestion is U do have internet Look up some people and places may be a pastor will make a house call . ( Alot of them Will) They can and Will help alot

But Like I said all these ladies realy care about you and I jest want to send you a :hug::hug:
Bonnie

Diva
09-06-2009, 02:44 PM
Michelle, can you join your local freecycle to at least get some clothes that fit and a bicycle? freecycle.org I suspect if you emailed the person doing the donation and explained you have no means of transportation they would even deliver...freecycle folks tend to be nice like that.

Awesome idea. :)

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 02:50 PM
I am just waiting for confirmation email from freecycle :)

DCHound
09-06-2009, 03:06 PM
Fantastic!! The one around here is very active and lets you post one "wanted" ad per week. Just figure out what you need the most (I would think really a bicycle or some kind of transportation, you are plenty skinny enough to ride one well! and some clothes that fit) --get as much as you can then 'freecycle' the rest back to the list. It's totally a lifesaver. I have given away, and gotten, some great stuff on freecycle, best snag was $500 worth of puppy pads FREE! :)

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 03:07 PM
Thank you DC! I am still waiting for confirmation email :o :D

DCHound
09-06-2009, 03:09 PM
They are all run by volunteers and it's a holiday weekend, so you may not get it right away. It's awesome though!

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 03:10 PM
Hehe okay thank you, I will try to be patient :D

cfmama
09-06-2009, 03:15 PM
Yes. Freecycle ROCKS. Do you go to church or anything? If you do (I don't... and I'm wiccan anyways lol!) joining a homestudy group and asking for a ride from them would be a good idea. Lots of volunteer organizations will also pick you up so you can work for them. Just some ideas to get you OUT of the house.

You are a wonderful, vivacious person and were you in my town I can see us being GREAT friends. I wish you did live here :)

I love you girly and I'm glad that YOU are not giving up on YOU because I sure as **** am not!

PM me if you need ANYTHING.

Elladorine
09-06-2009, 03:33 PM
Wow, you've gotten a lot of great advice here since I last posted so I'm not really sure what more I could add. :dizzy:

If I didn't make it clear before, I wanted to say that I always feel a connection with someone that leaves everything behind to start a new life with someone they've met online. It doesn't matter what it was that you left behind or what you've gotten yourself into, it's a huge, scary decision that takes a lot of guts! :hug:

I totally, totally understand insecurities over weight issues (as I'm sure we all do at a site like this), but your S.O. shouldn't ever do anything to make you feel like your weight even might be a little issue when it comes to your relationship, let alone as a wedge to get what he wants out of it. My ex used to tell me that my weight was never an issue, but he often contradicted himself with his own words and his actions definitely said otherwise. And even though he was shallow enough to really dislike my figure enough to be turned off, losing weight would have done nothing to save our relationship. In fact, I lost around 70 pounds while I was with him and he continued to tell me I'd let myself go as a way to change the subject during an argument! My current boyfriend has made a clear effort to tell me that my weight is and never will be an issue, and it's something I not only believe, but feel. He not only tells me he feels I'm beautiful, he finds ways to show me. And at the same time, he's very supportive of my new food choices and that I'm losing weight . . . he knows all my new actions will make me better both physically and emotionally.

I really wish I could give out more advice, but I'm very inexperienced in the whole relationship thing myself. I think part of the reason I put up with my ex for so long was that lack of experience; he was actually the *first* guy I ever dated (and we met when I was 25)! :o I was too shy and had to many social problems in high school and somewhat beyond to be comfortable with the idea, and I had a lot to learn. As it is I'm only in my second relationship and I'm now 33.

What I do know is that you need to feel loved and appreciated when you're in a relationship; things will fall apart if you don't. You shouldn't be made to feel like you're nagging when you're asking for very basic things, like clothes that fit properly, more variety with your meals, an occasional ride to the store, or for a show of appreciation for who you are and all that you do.

I really hope things can turn out better for you . . . I know they can from experience. So stand up for yourself and do what's right for you! :hug:

Trazey34
09-06-2009, 03:50 PM
I found it very very difficult to read through all of these posts, I just feel the rage boiling in me LOL but it's not my life so I shouldn't get so upset, everyone has their own threshhold I guess. I've had a license and a job since I was 16 and I can't imagine not having either, just the freedom of going where i want when i want has always been so important to me. Even tho DH makes a good living, I've always kept my job just to get out and see people, and be "in" the world -- I hate the idea of anyone hiding themselves away and at the mercy of someone else for anything. Lots of stay-at-home moms are anything BUT stay homes lol, they take their kiddies places, do groceries, errands, etc., I can't even imagine the trapped feeling of being "stuck" somewhere.

I know our local library has a bulletin board of "swaps" as in, someone will give you a ride to the grocery store or mall every tues and you give them gas $ or something. You've had so many folks on here encouraging you and I'd like to add mine. I'm NOT slamming 'stay at homes' at all, I'm just so hopeful you'll get out and about in the real world and see what's going on, maybe even a part time job? something? volunteer? I think it can only help self-esteem to be in the thick of things.

Trazey34
09-06-2009, 03:55 PM
PS I just checked out your progress pix, you sexy little minx!!! if you can drop that much weight, girlie you CAN DO ANYTHING!

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 04:03 PM
Thanks Bonnie, Sirenity, cfmama and Trazey and everyone!!!

I don't think anyone here realizes how much of an impact all of ya'll have on me and my outlook for myself. I will never be able to put it into words but I hold each of you in my heart ♥

Diva
09-06-2009, 04:05 PM
just a quick OT:

Sirenity, you look marvelous girly!!!! :D

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 04:07 PM
I agree, Diva :D

Ryanne
09-06-2009, 04:11 PM
Onederchic I jest wanted to say that you got some great advice here from these ladies. I am a stay at home mom and I dont drive I have such a fear of learning to drive. I have been married to my husband for 23 Years. I Always let him know in advance that I need to go somewhere the next day or if the children have a doc apt. He might complain at first but he gets over it quick. I dont work cause my Husband leaves Early in the am and He usually dont get home until Evening time Its jest more of a scheduling thing.

But let me say as far as Looking for a thearpist . I dont know your what denomation ( Religon)you are but their is alot of people out their. My suggestion is U do have internet Look up some people and places may be a pastor will make a house call . ( Alot of them Will) They can and Will help alot

But Like I said all these ladies realy care about you and I jest want to send you a :hug::hug:
Bonnie

I know our Church does counseling and outreach for free. They can help with food, clothes, medicine, and even prescriptions, eye glasses, dental, medical, and they usually have job training and plenty of people in the congregation hire the people they train. Find a Church that is close enough to walk to. They may have emergency bags ready to go, and I know here, they will bring stuff to you and get you a "host" family that can give rides or even a place to stay. This is something you could think about.

Elladorine
09-06-2009, 04:12 PM
Aw, you guys are the best! :):hug::dizzy:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 04:13 PM
Thanks so much Ryanne :hug:


Sirenity, we are not the best, we are just being truthful! :D :hug:

LotusMama
09-06-2009, 04:13 PM
Sweet, lovely, compassionate, wonderful, beautiful Michelle, I just read through this entire string and am hurting for you. You have gotten some true words of wisdom from others here and I largely concur with it. You are one of the main reasons I love 3FC so much; you are a vibrant part of this community. We are all here to help in any way we can. Truly.

You have worked extremely hard to make some major changes in your life. Given the self-knowledge you have gained from your journey thus far, I hope you realize that you are capable of doing anything you want to do. Anything. The choice belongs to you and nobody else.

Your friend,

J

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 04:15 PM
Aww J!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! :hug::hug::hug:

LotusMama
09-06-2009, 04:20 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug:

Diva
09-06-2009, 04:24 PM
3FC is a really awesome and supportive site and I feel guilty for ever allowing a few bad apples to ever cloud my judgment. :nono: Bad me.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 04:26 PM
You are sooo right, Diva. I am so serious and I know I keep repeating myself but I am thankful everyday for stumbling across this site. It is my saving grace so so so many times :hug::hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 05:15 PM
I'm gonna pop another positive in here..I weighed in at 190 today :)

Diva
09-06-2009, 05:20 PM
Wooohoooo girly!!!!:dancer::flow2::cheer2::congrat:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 05:24 PM
Thanks Roni :D ♥

LotusMama
09-06-2009, 06:35 PM
Yahoo! There you go!

J

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 06:38 PM
Thanks J :) :hug:

FitGirlyGirl
09-06-2009, 06:38 PM
There's not much advice I can give that hasn't already been given. I will tell you something my mother always used to say to me - you should never be with a man because you NEED him, you should only be with a man because you want to. If I were you I would walk out now and never look back no matter what it took. I am not you though. I do hope that you will at least make yourself not need him so that you can decide clearly if you still want him once you don't need him. I've been in abusive relationships (twice) and I know it is hard to decide to put yourself first, but it is what you need to do. My husband and I are both very angry with this boyfriend of yours and we don't even know him:mad:. His actions are wrong and it doesn't matter what the reasons behind them are. He is abusive and there is no excuse for that. I do not believe that it is about your weight, but even if that were it or even part of it - he is still abusive and he is the one in the wrong. Ask yourself a question for me, if you stay with him and end up having children, what will he be like if you have a child who has weight issues? How will he treat that child? For that matter no matter what his reasons are - would you want him to be the model for a son of yours to learn how to treat women, or for a daughter to learn that it is ok for a man to treat her that way? Even if you are not ready to leave I think that contacting a shelter might be a good idea. They understand that sometimes a woman isn't ready to leave, but they can still give you some help - a counselor to talk to, clothes, someone to come get you out of the house sometimes. Plus, having already talked to them you will already know what is available and they can help you make a plan so that if a day comes when you need to leave and you need to leave NOW, you will know what to do.

I am sorry that you are in such a situation and no matter which path you decide to take I hope that things are better for you very soon. There are 2 more people thinking of you now and sending you good wishes and hoping for the best. :hug::hug::hug:

And also congrats on today's weigh in:)

Roxy

BillBlueEyes
09-06-2009, 06:38 PM
Onderchic - Sending you my best supportive thoughts for working through your current situation.

One additional thought not yet mentioned: Sources for quick cash include babysitting, elder care, and house sitting. These situations sometimes are in such need for a person at key times that pick up and delivery can be part of the package. Craigslist is a good place to look for these opportunities.

Another position were you'd be superb is as a Weight Watcher's leader. Might be hard to break into since you're not a member, but you're bright, empathic, and a proven weight loser. There might be a way.

Good luck.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 06:48 PM
Thanks so much Roxy and Bill :hug::hug:

dragonwoman64
09-06-2009, 07:09 PM
I felt before like he was trying to protect me because of how strongly I felt about being in public and/or around people but now I just think it is more he is embarrassed of me. I walk around in pants that are way too big and shirts that swallow me up, again to keep it light on his wallet. He sees my clothes don't fit so if he wanted he would offer to take me to get some. I have even mentioned thrift stores and he never says anything. One thing I am proud of is I really really wanted to go in the kitchen and eat everything I could find to punish him but I knew it would really only be punishing me so I worked out instead. I don't want everyone going off from this and thinking my boyfriend is some cruel person that I should be running away from. He does provide me with a roof over my head and food and basics so I am grateful for that anyway.


Michelle, :hug: you're always so nice, and your posts have always buoyed my spirits, I hope you don't mind me adding a voice here.

1. you always strike me as a smart, savvy lady, want you to know that.

2. I could really relate to you when you wrote about how you felt like his reactions stemmed from him being embarrassed of your weight. I have gone to that place with guys too, too many times. I have cried and suffered with it, only to find out that wasn't what was going on at all. My bf didn't want me to meet his family years ago. I was sure it had to do with my looks. No, he finally admitted, it was because they were kooky (and it was and is true, they're kooky!) If I could spare you even one tear over that issue, I would be happy. And I'm quite a bit larger than you! (that's just one example, I could easily give you twenty.)

3. If you go back and read your posts, I bet you'll catch that you sound pretty dang angry at this guy, frustrated, and itchy, itchy, itchy for things to change. that's a healthy thing. congratulations!

you have to admit, chica muy bonita, you've let this guy have things pretty easy. Yeah, he came and got you and is supporting you, but I bet the list of things you do for him is long. it makes sense to me that he might resist change since any change will mean him making more of an effort and giving more, financially and otherwise. esp since you're operating at just about bare minimum now.

you know, one thing I hate about being big is that it has contributed to shrinking of my self esteem. I've let men take financial and emotional advantage of me, with the thought that I was too fat to deserve something better in the back of my head.

I had a roommate in college whose boyfriend treated her wonderfully (such a nice guy). I complained to him one time how mad it made me when guys wouldn't hold doors open for me (that was quite a few years ago when that behavior was more the norm; now it's hold the what for who?? heh heh). He said, something along the lines of, you have act like you expect it. That's to say, people will tend not to do and give things to you if project that you feel like you don't deserve it in the first place.

I hate to say I think the following is true because, believe me, I've sailed -- and sail -- in that boat, but being nice, and giving, and loving, and never asking for anything hoping that another person will see my need and that I deserve to have what I want/need given to me, has always been a lost cause. I'm still learning how to do it, but I think there has to be an internal, quiet insistance, and when I know in my heart that compromise can't be met, that negotiations will be rejected, that all my efforts to rectify what I feel to be wrong can't be made right, then I have to move on. Listen to your instincts, the truth about what you need to do and how you really feel will keep poking it's head up.

Much good luck to you.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 07:36 PM
dragonwoman -

What a powerful post, thank you very very much :hug::hug:

better health3
09-06-2009, 07:51 PM
Ya'll give me belief that all hope for myself, my life is not long gone.

Are you kidding!? Sweetie, your best days are left to come. That is true for all of us. We all have some of the happiest times in our lives ahead of us.

No offense to your bf, yet not holding your hand, cuddling, or witholding other types of affection--to me, is plain cruel. I don't know how he can claim to "love" you without this...I understand not every man is touchy feely...

If I had a a mate that achieved what you have done: I would have thrown a big party in your honor to meet my family, bought you clothes, taken you to the salon, bought you jewelery with footwear and then shown you off around town.

I think you working and finding a real life support network is a solution to many of the areas of stress. We are meant to be social. Healthy couples have different friends and hobbies, and other activities to keep it interesting. You both would have loads to talk about and your BF wouldn't be so stressed. Good luck.

starfishkitty
09-06-2009, 07:58 PM
Reading all these (well, most, god this was a long thread! hehe SOMEONE'S loved here on 3FC!! :hug:) just had me shaking my head. It was incredible to me to read your story, and Sirenity's, etc.... because I have/had a very similar story to you guys.

In 2007, I was in a really bad place. Lost my job, lost my apartment, was staying with a friend for free but only had a place until August, car broke down & out for the count, in a un-ending friends with benefits relationship that was breaking my heart, etc. Was talking to a guy who'd been my online friend since I was 15. He'd just gotten out of a marriage, was being transferred to a new base (he's in the airforce) and wanted a roommate and wanted to give "us" a chance like we'd talked about many, many years before that.... 9 years, to be precise.

Though I was paranoid about all of it... especially because of my weight (I was roughly 250ish)... I realized that it was just about the only out life seemed to be giving me at the time, so despite my misgivings, I took him up on his offer. Thus, he "saved" me too.

We moved in together... he was happy with me, surprisingly more than I could have reasonably hoped for giving how I looked at the time.... huge, pasty, sick, an alcoholic, depressed, burned, cynical, etc. I'd already decided I wanted to turn my life around, so I managed to find a job within the first week of living there and got to work saving money, paying off old bills, and getting caught up with stuff financially which of course made me feel better.

However, I was working at a restaurant, making next to no money and eating more than I should have by far. My health wasn't getting any better, and we worked opposite shifts. It quickly became the same situation that Onederchic is descibing... he's tired, doesn't want to take me anywhere (not even once a week) without complaining about how he doesn't want to leave the house, despite the fact that I want to leave the house and area (the place I worked at was practically in our backyard!!). On top of all that... working and everything... I made sure the house was always clean, always cooked for him when I was home, took care of all the grocery shopping, laundry, etc. And I couldn't even get one measly date from him. I begged him to take me out on the weekends... but the only time he could be roused from his computer or video games would be when the neighbor would invite us out. There was never "us" time, no matter how many times I talked to him about it, explained my feelings, how I wanted to spend time together, or have some "me" time even out and away from the area where we lived and worked..... he'd say he understood, but nothing ever changed.

Things just didn't feel right with me. I could never allow myself to get close enough to him, because of the resentment of being cooped up constantly. It got worse and worse and worse til I decided I was done cooking and cleaning and being nice to a guy who just refused to hear me when I said I was miserable. I decided I'd paid him back his $200 plane ticket with all my cooking and cleaning and the laundry I'd done those five months and I decided to break up with him.... but in this, he surprised me and broke up with ME. Said that he still loved me, always, as a friend... but things just didn't feel right.

I can't tell you how indignant I was with him for breaking up with me before I could break up with him!!! :lol: Hurt, even! Even though I was going to break up with him and pretty much couldn't STAND the guy!! :lol:

To this day.... getting away from him was the best thing I've ever done. Well, one of them. :) Truly, I'll always be grateful to him for helping me out in my hour of need... but I was there for him too after his divorce, and to help him get back on his feet living alone. And when I came back... I got back on my feet, ALONE (well, I moved in with a friend who needed a roommate, and we split the bills evenly), and then eventually went on to turn my life completely around. I'm working on my health, and doing a pretty good job of it I think!, and taking care of some of my family members in THEIR hours of need..... and I've got an amazing boyfriend, an upcoming vacation I've been waiting to go on for two years, and will be going back to school next year. :)

Truly..... if it's meant to be, stay with him. But don't stay with someone because you feel grateful for what he did. Not only have you paid him back over the years with love, and gratitude, but probably all those little things you've done on the side too that guys don't really want to seem to notice. What he did for you WAS amazing.... but we, as human beings, are SUPPOSED to do amazing things for people we care about in their hours of need. Do you expect someone to be beholden to you for life because you help them out one time? I sure as heck don't. Do something for someone because you want to... not because you want a life long slave. Stay with someone because they're right for you, because they're your best friend.... not because you owe them. That's wrong to you, and to him.

Good luck chica.... :hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 08:33 PM
better health and Amanda -

Thank you both so very much. I know I have a lot of soul searching and thinking and self learning to do.

Amanda, your story made me think of something. I do all the cleaning and laundry and etc around here and if I happen to mention did he notice this or that he will say he has more things on his mind than the carpet or whatever I mentioned :|.

But anyway, I am on a mission to find me again and to love me again. That much is for sure. Wish me luck!


Hugs
Michelle

Diva
09-06-2009, 08:45 PM
OMG! Is it so hard for him to say "It looks nice baby, Thank you"? Geeez. My guy always notices when I do something around here or have primped extra on any given day. It really isn't hard to be kind to people. Especially the people you live with and are supposed to love and are partners with.
I really wanna strangle some sense into this guy! http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t202/roni0467/Smiley/thgirlfight.gif
I bet he'd notice if you stopped doing those things!

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 08:51 PM
:hug::hug::hug: Roni

starfishkitty
09-06-2009, 09:44 PM
I do all the cleaning and laundry and etc around here and if I happen to mention did he notice this or that he will say he has more things on his mind than the carpet or whatever I mentioned :|

Oh heck no.

I'm sorry.... but there is no job out there more important than another person's job and hard work. We all take care of our little corner of the world... our loved ones should recognize that! How about he gives YOU the car, you go work, and he sits his *ss at home and does all the cooking and cleaning and everything else?? Then we'll see who's begging to be given some fresh freakin air. Which you'd probably do for him a lot faster than he does for you!! Even my naive and blind ex had the decency to thank me and praise me now and then for little things like that, though it didn't do much for the chemistry part of our relationship.... it at least helped us acknowledge each other as PEOPLE. WORTHWHILE people.

He needs to get some freakin respect for you, point blank. That's BS. You deserve a lot more respect than all that after all that you've overcome and accomplished and come out the other end from! And if he doesn't like that? Well, then, he needs to find a woman who doesn't need that.... cos you DO. And good luck to him trying to find a mate in this life that can't appreciate and love the person who loves him AND is bound and determined to make herself and her life better... and who is doing a bang up job at it!

Diva
09-06-2009, 09:50 PM
Oh heck no.

I'm sorry.... but there is no job out there more important than another person's job and hard work. We all take care of our little corner of the world... our loved ones should recognize that! How about he gives YOU the car, you go work, and he sits his *ss at home and does all the cooking and cleaning and everything else?? Then we'll see who's begging to be given some fresh freakin air. Which you'd probably do for him a lot faster than he does for you!! Even my naive and blind ex had the decency to thank me and praise me now and then for little things like that, though it didn't do much for the chemistry part of our relationship.... it at least helped us acknowledge each other as PEOPLE. WORTHWHILE people.

He needs to get some freakin respect for you, point blank. That's BS. You deserve a lot more respect than all that after all that you've overcome and accomplished and come out the other end from! And if he doesn't like that? Well, then, he needs to find a woman who doesn't need that.... cos you DO. And good luck to him trying to find a mate in this life that can't appreciate and love the person who loves him AND is bound and determined to make herself and her life better... and who is doing a bang up job at it!

WORD!

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 09:51 PM
On a level down deep inside, I know you are right but why I am not at the point to really realize and do something..I dunno but hopefully soon. Thanks again, Amanda :hug::hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 09:52 PM
And Roni too :hug:

Primm
09-06-2009, 10:11 PM
On a level down deep inside, I know you are right but why I am not at the point to really realize and do something..I dunno but hopefully soon. Thanks again, Amanda :hug::hug:

I'm so pleased! It will take time, but we know you will get there. Keep coming back, we'll give you all the support and love you need.

:hug::hug::hug:

traci in training
09-06-2009, 10:15 PM
Jeez-o pete! Go away camping for the weekend without my computer and LOOK at everything I'm behind on!

I have to say I agree with everyone that you need to re-think your expectations and try to look at your situation objectively. I understand that you're not being physically abused and I think that's very important. But there's more to life than just being bruise-free. And honestly - if we all think you deserve better shouldn't YOU think you deserve better?

Life is about joy and adventure and that peaceful easy feeling. You deserve all of those things. Now. Or as soon as you're ready.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 10:22 PM
Well, he just called from his last break at work and has me so mad right now I can't even think but I am beginning to lean more towards others perspective on this so called relationship.

Pita09
09-06-2009, 10:25 PM
Wow, have you been the hot topic of the day or what girlie! :corn:

I have followed this thread throughout the day, and I'm so VERY impressed with my fellow Chickies and all the amazing advice you have received. I'm also really impressed with you Michelle, and in how you have responded to all the heartfelt advice, outrage, and yes often harsh criticism for your boyfriend. I think some real good has come out of this discussion today and it reinforces my faith in what an online community can do for each other.

We all have our stories. I'm someone who was in a bad marriage for 18 years, which was much like the life you are living now. I then met a wonderful man online, who took me out of a bad situation and transformed my life through his love and support. The only thing my boyfriend has ever demanded from me is that I become self-sufficient and that I give my best effort in whatever I do. He wants me with him because I want to be and not because I have to be, which is how I've always had to live my life. I have undergone some amazing transformations, and while I still struggle with my weight (my last major hurdle), he has never wavered in his belief and support of me.

Sweet Michelle you deserve nothing less than to have all the love, support, and acceptance that you so freely offer yourself. Please do whatever you have to get to a place where you love yourself so much that you will never settle for less than you so richly deserve. :hug:

Primm
09-06-2009, 10:26 PM
Oh honey, what happened?

nelie
09-06-2009, 10:28 PM
:hug:

I have to say that I truly didn't know what a loving partnership/relationship was until I was in one. Now I don't think I ever had a bad relationship but I have to say it is amazing when you find someone who loves you unconditionally and supports you no matter what.

You deserve to be loved and supported. You deserve a loving relationship where someone thinks of you and not only themselves.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 10:58 PM
Now that I have stopped bawling mostly..

I had decided earlier that I would not make any more posts on what happens with me and my bf because I didn't want to be pathetic, whiny, etc. But here we go anyway

Earlier today, after he had woke up, I told him I was out/low of my foods. He is off the next two days so I was letting him know so he would hopefully go to the store tomorrow but when he is leaving for work he informs me he is going shopping Tuesday. Now, he does ask if I need anything but he adds that he would rather wait until Tuesday so he can go to the commissary with his parents and save money so of course, I say whatever, I will make do.

Then when he calls on his last break, I mention something to him about someone mailing me and he said he didn't like me giving out his address...his address..like after a year and a half, I don't live here or what? Then I tell him I am looking for churches locally that have transportation so I can start going to services on Sundays and get out of the house and he gets quiet and I ask what is wrong now and he said "I am not doing this while I am at work." Doing what?!

Right now I feel like I am not even a person to him. And I know, I know what everyone will say. Right now I am just really devastated and just wanted to vent because I have no one in my real life to talk to.

Thanks for "listening"

Hugs
Michelle

pucedaisy
09-06-2009, 11:00 PM
No matter what, you deserve RESPECT. Personally, I think you deserve a lot more than that! But respect is not negotiable. From ANYONE. That's all I'm going to say, other than its great that you are exploring ways of getting out and living life in a way that is healthy for the healthier person you have become.

We are here for you, Michelle! Vent away.

Diva
09-06-2009, 11:10 PM
:hug: Michelle :hug:

Maybe you can write him a long letter and tell him how you feel? Sometimes it's easier to get out everything you need to say in a letter. let him know you are a REAL person with REAL feelers and you need a partner...not a keeper.

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:12 PM
I have just decided I am talking to him tonight when he gets home but as in the past, I am pretty sure how it will play out and quite frankly, it only saddens me.

pucedaisy
09-06-2009, 11:21 PM
:hug:
My brother said to me recently, as we were struggling to change the dynamics in a family relationship, that as difficult as the conversation might be, "The worst thing that can happen is that things stay the same."

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:25 PM
pucedaisy - Thank you :hug::hug:

pucedaisy
09-06-2009, 11:41 PM
you're welcome.:hug:
- alison

CanadianCutie
09-06-2009, 11:45 PM
Ohhhhh Michelle :hug: You have made me feel welcome here from the first day I joined. If there's anything I can do let me know. we all love you here, as has been stated many times, but bears repeating. You are a wonderful woman. I hope you can see that. Sometimes it takes a person outside the situation to open our eyes to what is right in front of us. It was like that with my exhusband. A friend that I met online convinced me how badly I was being treated. It was emotional abuse, withholding of affection, and belittling. I thank this friend all the time for opening my eyes to the situation.
(and for the record, the friend I am talking about is not my current boyfriend, though I did meet him online too).
You do what is best for yourself at the time. Just know we are here for you.

Sarah

Elladorine
09-06-2009, 11:45 PM
I found myself crying as I read this latest development . . .

I actually went through the whole not giving out the address thing, but for different reasons (long story behind that). But yeah, it's *your* address as well, not just his. What on earth would he fear from that?

And him saying, "I am not doing this while I am at work," it really sounds to me that he really is afraid of you gaining any independence without him. Do you think it's possible he's afraid he'll lose you now that you're becoming more confident and adventurous? Could that be why he wants to be so restrictive, maybe he's insecure about your relationship?

If you ever find it difficult to physically talk about things (as I do; I often just cry whenever I need to be talking about the reason behind it) or feel you'll be interrupted or not listened to, take Diva's advice and write out a letter. Even if you never let him see the thing, it'll at least help you sort out your thoughts, feelings, and priorities. It's something I still do now. I keep a private, online journal for such things, and if there's something I find difficult to discuss with my boyfriend, I'll set the entry to only be visible to him. He gets a notification for it by email, and reads it while I'm not stressing in the same room as him. Somehow that makes it easier for us to talk about whatever's going on.

And don't feel like you're being whiney with us, you're addressing some very valid concerns and you *need* to be able to talk to *someone* about what's going on. You've also got a lot of support here and that's not going away anytime soon. :hug:

Onederchic
09-06-2009, 11:56 PM
Sarah and Sirenity, thanks for the support. I really need it now. You ladies rock my socks :hug::hug:

starfishkitty
09-07-2009, 12:05 AM
What'd he do now?

And as for you "getting there".... you will. :hug: On your own time of course, but you're too smart to put up with all that nonsense for too long without either a change or something else.

Good luck lady... we're rooting for ya!

rockinrobin
09-07-2009, 12:17 AM
Change is soooo hard. Even when we know it's what's needed and is for the best. We become so comfortable in what is known, as opposed to the unknown. Just look how hard it was to do things that you knew would benefit your life, but you didn't do them anyway.

This is no different. Change is what is needed here. And I think you know that. And yes, it will be hard. But it's what's necessary. And then when you do it, you will look back and realize it's the best decision you could have made. You will wonder why you put it off. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You will realize that it has incredible benefits. You will once again discover how strong and capable you are. You will find joy that you didn't know was possible. It'll be another adventure. You will grow. You will gain your own self respect. You will wonder how you ever let yourself live "like that" and settle for so little. You will realize that it really wasn't so hard after all. You will discover who you were meant to be. :hug::hug::hug:

sidhe
09-07-2009, 01:35 AM
This breaks my heart. Honey, last I heard, a relationship was give-and-take. That does NOT mean one person gives and the other takes! :hug:

caliyah
09-07-2009, 01:58 AM
Michelle ~ I may not have chatted with you before much but you are really a light on these forums and such an inspirational woman. It was hard for me to go through and read this thread and know how you are struggling. Just know that the 3FC community is here for you.

You look gorgeous! Your weight is not the problem at all. I have known overweight friends that stayed in abusive relationships because they thought they 'deserved' to not be treated well because of their weight and it really hurt for me and all my friends to see the pain they went through. You need to recognize that you are a beautiful, unique woman that deserves to be fully respected and loved through thick and thin/good and bad times. I can't tell you to 'get out' of your situation --- it seems so simple for all of us watching from the outside. I guess what I want to tell you is --- are you truly happy? Imagine your life 10 years from now? Would you want that life 10 years from now? Sit down and take the time to write down your dreams and your goals in life other than weight loss. It is possible for you to achieve your dreams and if your dream is to be loved unconditionally it will happen --you need to start to love yourself unconditionally and take the steps to live the life that you deserve to live.

If you are scared in any way there are places you can call for help - I hope to not offend you but I just want to make you aware that you have the ability to get out of a bad situation if need be.

If you need help or advice about anything I'm here to help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

starfishkitty
09-07-2009, 07:25 AM
Wow, seriously?

I actually went through the whole apartment thing too with my ex... though he at first TRIED to make it seem like it was my place too... it quickly became evident that deep down inside he didn't really think of it that way. And what's even weirder.... we went through the whole church thing too! I was REALLY trying to find an out... find myself... make myself better in AND out.... and when I told him about it, and requested a ride to church on Sundays, he literally couldnt' have been more put out and practically ridiculed me for it. He even had the nerve to start on his uber-nerd Atheist crap. As I told him... I respect his opinions.... but he needed to respect mine too!

What became apparent to me, at that time, was that we were obviously very very different people and he really held no respect for my needs and wants. Unless I changed to his way of thinking... he'd pretend they weren't even there.

Everyone here is right... there has to a be a change for you. There is a way, that's for sure. It's just a matter of realizing it, what it is, finding a way to achieve it, and not giving up on what you deserve! And with as good as you've done in other areas of your..... I think you could rock that! :)

Jacquie668
09-07-2009, 08:01 AM
I've been reading and more of a lurker the last few days, but wanted to chime in that I hope you did have your talk with your guy and I hope it went well. It is 100% important to get your feelings out for you personally and for your relationship.

I personally am in a situation that I find complex, but I won't go into that much detail. The thing is that I taught my boyfriend how to treat me by pushing him away and I mean literally...meaning not being touched at all. Not going out of the apartment, in fact I stayed in for years and I still do at times, but I do make myself go out into the world even if it is hard for me at times. Basically I taught him how to treat me and when I started living again, changing, I found that changing and reteaching him how to treat me was really a challenge. Saying "hey I don't like how you treat me" was really scary and I really had to fight to get my voice heard and in a way i still do. I'm generalizing as there are some things that he does that I didn't "teach" him, but my point is that I didn't say anything for so long when I feel I should have.

Dealing with the "games" that my boyfriend would and still does play when we try to talk about things can be a struggle, but for now I've made a commitment to working on things with my guy and things are a lot better, though it was pretty negative there for awhile and still is at times. I'm regaining my independence and that is a hard thing to do. Baby steps really. I can't even drive a car lol. I know how to drive, but I don't have a little piece of paper that says I can. So, I'm in my current apartment a lot lol and there are times I feel trapped, but then I remind myself that I can change this, I can do it, my happiness is important. Change is scary...but essential for so many wonderful reasons.

I hope that you continue to find your voice. It NEEDS to be heard. Your happiness and you are number one here. I do think you are regaining your independence too and I think some of the things you've described, I have felt as well almost "dejavu."

I hope your talk went well...:hug::hug:

Lizzyg
09-07-2009, 08:31 AM
:hug: I've been following this thread too, and I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this crap. He shouldn't be like that at all. Everyone has given you such wonderful advice.

And I too hope your talk went well. :hug:

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 08:39 AM
Okay the update on the "talk". Before I start that, I will say that 1- I just barely woke and 2- it was really very emotional for me so if this comes out jumbled and confused it will only reflect how I feel on the inside. Now grab a snack and a drink and hold on for the ride.

After he got in from work and got settled down, I told him I needed to talk to him, not argue or fight but talk. I told him I wanted him to let me know what about me made him think it is okay to make me feel like I am nobody. He did his annoyed heavy sigh so I knew then this probably wasn't gonna go as I hoped. I did continue on. I told him that when I first got here, I was in a very bad physical and emotional state and yes I was very difficult. I stayed in the bedroom a lot crying and I would start fights in the middle of the night for no other reason except I was scared because I had left everything I knew, even if it had been bad, to be 1800 miles away with a man whom I had lied to for 5 years on the net. But I also told him that a year and a half later I have changed..a lot..A LOT. I have lost 140 pounds, I have quit smoking because he said "we" needed to because of money issues though he hasn yet to quit, I quit taking my BCs. Right now, I am at the bare minimum for any necessities...clothes and food. I sit here day in and day out feeling alone even when he is home and in the same room as me. I get reprimanded for giving out "his address" and "his phone number". He has an excuse always as to why I can never go to the store with him. Though I did make it clear when I got here I did not want to meet anyone, now that I have told him I am ready, he still refuses to let me meet his son and parents. ****, even his ex eife knows about me and called yelling at him because he hasn't told his son. But that is beside the point, we didn't mention that last night. So I calmly talk to him about how I feel and all the sacrifices and changes I feel I have made and still make for him while on his end of things nothing changes towards me. It is not fair. I mean, there are even topics that he has out right said he doesn't want to hear about from me anymore..those would include weight loss and 3FC. So not only do I have to try to cut corners on my things to save him money but I also have to try to monitor what I am talking about even though my whole life at the moment is weight loss and 3FC. So after I finished, I asked him to just be honest with himself and me and if he didn't love me or want me, he needed to just tell me. So he goes off on this thing about money. Always about money. And he says it is not my fault about any of the money trouble...but here's the kicker..he tells me he may have to take me back to TN, to the place where I was headed for sure death..a place where he and I would have 0 contact because he won't get me a cell phone though he has one and I no longer have my own computer. He says so he can get back on his feet financially because apparently my 30 dollar a week grocery bill and 37 dollar a month storage fee is breaking the bank. I lost it then and just started bawling. I went to the bedroom and bawled and bawled. Now usually when I do that, he never comes in but he did this time and he did hold me. He did finally say he thought that is what I wanted, to go "home" because I am miserable here. I said if you have trouble with money, you get the cable shut off for a while or stop smoking but you don't send me away. That is completely wrong and unfair. He agreed and things went calmer for that part. He did not change his position though that it is all money related stress that has him being the way he is and he doesn't mean for it to overflow onto me and he is sorry it does. Now for me, it doesn't make it right. I have offered to work and he declines. He can get overtime at work a lot if he wanted but he never does. I do love him, really I do. I just am not sure how many more sacrifices I have to make but I do know one thing without a doubt, if he ever decides he wants to follow through with sending me back to TN, I will find a way to get out of here on my own because no way in **** will I go back where I came from. Never.


So if you made it through all that, give yourself a pat on the back and a hug from me cause you rock.


Hugs
Michelle

nelie
09-07-2009, 08:52 AM
Oh Michelle,

I am so sorry. Really I will say to you and it hurts to say this to you, this man does not love you. You do need to find a way out.

Do you have any relatives/friends you might be able to stay with?

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 08:59 AM
Thank you, nelie :hug:

Honestly, I have no real life friends and well, I don't even wanna go in about my family so let's just say no to the question.

I know he is not doing right, I know it but I am not at the point yet where I want or am emotionally able to leave. I know that will upset a lot of people but it is how I feel and I can't change my feelings at the drop of a dime even though sometimes I wish I could :|

nelie
09-07-2009, 09:03 AM
I can understand how it is hard. I think you do need to prep yourself as best you can. I know some of have asked but I'm not sure I've seen an answer. Is there any public transportation where you live? Is there a way you can get out of the house? get a job? even if it included odd jobs in your area, that might help you gain some independence.

Lizzyg
09-07-2009, 09:06 AM
wow, what a manipulative little jerk. Wow. Look at it from the outside. You talk about how upset you were about how things are going. He threatens you with sending you back. You get even more upset. He then tries to "comfort you" and says that he thought that since you were so miserable with him, going 'home' is what YOU wanted. And that you're going to do whatever you can to not be sent back.

I know I dont know you well. But you're playing right into his hands. You're doing exactly what he wants. Look how he made all of this YOUR fault.

If he was that concerned with money, he'd be taking the overtime. And I dont know if BCs stand for birth control, but if it does, do not get pg by this man. It will only further you being stuck, and I'm sure thats more of his idea, than saving money. Because I know that walmart has $4 bc pills.

Dont wait for him to "send you back" (which I dont think he will, its just a threat to keep you under his control) to do whatever you can to get away from him. DO IT NOW. ETA (we cross posted) Do what you can NOW so that when you are in that place emotionally to leave him, you already have things in order. I can understand not being in that place yet - but by doing little things now, it will make it easier. Are there any stores or anything within walking distance? That way you could maybe find a job, where you dont have to depend on him taking you.

We have money stress. We live on only one income. Its hard. But never would I treat my husband like this. And he wouldn't treat me like that either. Its not just MY or HIS money, its OUR money. We both have to make sacrifices, its not just one of us. And it seems to be only you making the sacrifices to save money.

everanderson
09-07-2009, 09:06 AM
Michelle, I cannot express how sorry I am that you're going through this. I've lurked along with this because I've not had any advice that hasn't already been said - this only thing I have to say is that we're so proud that you stood up for yourself and talked to your boyfriend. Even if the results weren't desirable, you still got a LOT off your chest!

Judging by your posts on this thread, I think you already know what you need to do....you just need to gather the courage to make your final decision. And when you do, just know that we're all here to provide you with all the emotional support you'll ever need! :hug: :hug:

SouthernMaven
09-07-2009, 09:15 AM
Well Michelle, I read it all - and I want to say that what you did took a lot of courage. But then again, it's apparent to me, reading through this entire thread, that courage is not something you lack, my dear. :hug:

I know I'm new here, but I have followed this thread in its entirety and wanted so many times to jump in but didn't see how I could add to the discussion, as you have had some excellent advice.

It's obvious to me that you know things have to change, and I have no doubt that anyone who has accomplished the herculean tasks you have - under extremely stressful conditions, I might add - can do anything . And I do mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

You are loved here, and you will continue to be supported as you make the necessary changes in your life. I pray that you will continue to post as often as you feel is necessary. I will continue to follow this thread and pray for you each and every day.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:16 AM
As for public transportation, a lovely person from here did pm me with some great information. The downside to that is it costs and I have no money...well except for the 15 dollar check that he won't take me to cash.

Also, since I never go anywhere, I have no idea where anything is. I do know we are about a 15 minute drive to the nearest store but I wouldn't even have a clue on how to begin to get anywhere cause I am here all the time and do not know my way around to any places but I will get that changed when I am able.

I know I just keep this going on and being so pathetic and I am sorry. But ya'll really are all I have so thanks again for being here for me.


Hugs
Michelle

Lizzyg
09-07-2009, 09:21 AM
You are NOT pathetic!!!

And I too want to 2nd the fact that I do think its great that you did talk to him, and stood up to him. It didn't go the way you wanted, but you did do it.

Maybe do a mapquest search on some common stores - like CVS, RiteAid or Walgreens. In cities there are usually one of those with in walking distance, and the ones here are almost always looking for help.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:25 AM
Thank you, Lizzy :hug:

Now, I am not making excuses but a 15 minute drive seems like it would be an awful long walk especially up here in NY where the winter times are brutal :o

Butterfly50
09-07-2009, 09:26 AM
Michelle I do Have to agree he dont love you. Continue looking for a church you can join. Their are alot of people willing to help you jest have to speak up. I have been reading your post and They way I see it and I may be wrong but the things he does and says are to me Emotional abuse to you. Anything to keep you in the place you are now . Let me say if you ask any one here they will tell you that yes they struggle with money problems. Who dont right now. But that doesn't stop them from being people. Thats a excuse that he uses on you cause he knows it works. What is the deal that his son knows nothing about you. So does this mean that his son never's comes to his place?

Honey after a year and 1/2 it is time to break them chains. Do what ever to meet new people and get out their. Join a church and feel good for your self. You have to have a life too that jest dont revolve around him. Please dont feel bad about postig on here with it is a thought or some about your BF everyone is here to help you out. So I am gonna send you :angel::angel: some angels to let you know you are special and that we Love Ya too.


Oh and By the way the address thing is BS to sounds like he dont want no one to know you are their. Bythe way I wonder what his Parents think . Do they know of you.

Bonnie

nelie
09-07-2009, 09:31 AM
Local churches are a good option and you could seek them out and even ask for assistance.

Also, New York state has many options for people that need housing/assistance. You could even call/write one of the places and ask for suggestions. You aren't in an abusive relationship but you are in a controlling one and you could tell them that you have no money, your boyfriend won't let you get a job, you are isolated and he wants to keep you isolated. They may be able to offer you services or point you in the right direction.
http://www.hud.gov/local/ny/homeless/shelters.cfm (Look under options for Women and General shelters)

I also don't know where you live but where I live versus where my inlaws live is vastly different. Public transportation here is great, there they have it but it isn't as good. They also have to drive 15-20 minutes to get to any type of shopping, which means it is 10+ miles away.

Getting involved in a local church community sounds like a great way to start some independence if they do offer transportation.

Lizzyg
09-07-2009, 09:33 AM
Thank you, Lizzy :hug:

Now, I am not making excuses but a 15 minute drive seems like it would be an awful long walk especially up here in NY where the winter times are brutal :o

Oh yeah, lol dont I know that - I live in Michigan! I dont think you're making up excuses at all - you dont know the area. There is always the chance that there is something closer, but you have no way of knowing. Thats why I suggested looking it up, you might be surprised, and find that there is something closer to you.

And while I dont go to church, I do think thats a good idea. Find one, again in walking distance would be good, so he cant say anything about the gas money or having to take time, to drive you there. Meeting people outside of him will be good for YOU.

starfishkitty
09-07-2009, 09:34 AM
I agree with Lizzy, honestly. I've gone through the gamut of guys and their games... and girl, THAT WAS A PLOY.

One thing I'd like to point out is this:

Anyone who truly loves you and is concerned for your safety would NOT send you back to a place he/she knows that could probably wreck your life or even kill you. Point blank. Even if they wanted to end things with you, they'd help you get on your feet and go somewhere else, safer.

I think you need to start planning for an eventuality that things are going to go sour. Do you really want to wait until he decides you're not worth his effort or stress or whatever anymore? Start planning now... in whatever way you can. Get a job you can walk to, talk to anyone you know that might be looking for a roommate, etc. Don't it come up from behind and give a swift kick.... especially not after all the hard work and amazing efforts you have put into turning your life around!

It sounds horrible, scary, and hard.... and it can be sometimes.... but liberation is the most exhilarating and rewarding moment in your life.... probably only second after your weight loss achievements. :) I don't think you'll ever regret it... it's all just a matter of making the plans now and putting them into action... even if it means behind his back!

Pita09
09-07-2009, 09:37 AM
OK, it's time to get practical and take action. I completely understand why you feel you can't leave right now. You are still emotionally tied to this man, and the reality is that you really don't have any other place to go and you don't have any money. I've been there and I know it seems impossible, but God will make a way, but you have to do your part.

You can sit and wallow in your misery or you can start taking action. Google your town and blow up the map. You can put it on satellite and probably see your face in the window, it works that well. Find out every single thing you can about where you are living.

Call every single church and find one that will pick you up for services. So, many churches pick up kids and elderly for Sunday morning services and I'm sure there is one that will be more than happy to pick you up. Go to church, meet people, and be open with them about your situation. Before you know it doors will open to you and someone will step in to help change your life.

Stop asking your boyfriend and start telling him. Tell him that you will not go back to TN, ever. He brought you there and he is going to continue to support you until you get yourself in a position to help yourself. Tell him that you will no longer hide from the world and he better just get used to it. We teach people how to treat us and it's time for you to do some teaching that benefits you. Sweetie, you are going to have to stop being the victim and allowing him walk all over you. Dry those eyes, dig deep inside for your power, and take the control of your life back. Have faith in yourself. :hug:

bargoo
09-07-2009, 09:39 AM
Michelle, I think there is something seriously wrong with this man. Why so secretive about his address and telephone number ? Who is he hiding from ? The answer to that may be why he never takes you anyplace. I think the idea about finding a church is an excellent one . Just call one that you are interested in and see if someone near you would pick you up. This happens all the time at the churches I am familiar with. If you decide you need to get out of this situation see if you can find a live-in job., caretaker for an elderly person or perhaps someone with a disabality needs a helper. or a live-in babysitter are some possibilities. I just feel the situation is so potentially dangerous. I hope I am wrong, but this man seems to be unable to have a loving, caring relationship. He seems to be very selfish. In todays economy money is a concern to all of us. Maybe we have to work overtime or maybe both partners need to work. All this harping about money, is, I believe a cover up for something else. I don't know what , but the way you describe him makes me nervous. I wish you well and as I have said before, you deserve better.

Jacquie668
09-07-2009, 09:40 AM
I think the talk was a great thing and I hope you have more talks in the future. I hope this opens up a door to perhaps really start living together, not just as separate people. I know only time will tell and hearing the man you love say he wants to send you home...very hard. *HUGS*

I've had moments like this with my boyfriend, they are really tough to work through. I don't even have friends either...can't drive...getting out there and gaining our independence back, all of us who are in need to do that, is very important.

I hope you and he come together as a couple, but only if that is what you really want and need.

I don't think you're pathetic. You are just learning how to live again...it takes time.

starfishkitty
09-07-2009, 09:44 AM
I agree with absolutely EVERYTHING Pita just said....... when there's a will, there's a way!! And you obviously have the will... you just need to apply it to this situation now. Your best bet would probably be to start with a church... because they WILL help you out.... and go from there. Otherwise, all the other things these lovely ladies above me have suggested could work too! :)

nelie
09-07-2009, 09:47 AM
Michelle, I think there is something seriously wrong with this man. Why so secretive about his address and telephone number ? Who is he hiding from ? The answer to that may be why he never takes you anyplace. I think the idea about finding a church is an excellent one . Just call one that you are interested in and see if someone near you would pick you up. This happens all the time at the churches I am familiar with. If you decide you need to get out of this situation see if you can find a live-in job., caretaker for an elderly person or perhaps someone with a disabality needs a helper. or a live-in babysitter are some possibilities. I just feel the situation is so potetntially dangerous. I hope I am wrong, but this man seems to be unable to have a loving, caring relationship. He seems to be very selfish. In todays economy money is a concern to all of us. Maybe we have to work overtime or maybe both partners need to work. All this harping about money, is, I believe a cover up for something else. I don't know what , but the way you describe him makes me nervous. I wish you well and as I have said before, you deserve better.

I didn't even think of live in jobs! Really, you seem to be this guys housekeeper, at least with a live-in job, you'd get money as well as doing the work. You might need to contact a local employment agency and ask them about options for this.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:51 AM
Thanks ya'll for the encouragement and advice. It is all greatly needed and appreciated :hug::hug::hug:

Diva
09-07-2009, 10:09 AM
Change is soooo hard. Even when we know it's what's needed and is for the best. We become so comfortable in what is known, as opposed to the unknown. Just look how hard it was to do things that you knew would benefit your life, but you didn't do them anyway.

This is no different. Change is what is needed here. And I think you know that. And yes, it will be hard. But it's what's necessary. And then when you do it, you will look back and realize it's the best decision you could have made. You will wonder why you put it off. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You will realize that it has incredible benefits. You will once again discover how strong and capable you are. You will find joy that you didn't know was possible. It'll be another adventure. You will grow. You will gain your own self respect. You will wonder how you ever let yourself live "like that" and settle for so little. You will realize that it really wasn't so hard after all. You will discover who you were meant to be. :hug::hug::hug:

Robin, you so totally rock and everything you said here is the truth. It took me 4 yrs to FINALLY get fed up enough to leave my abuser, and also took me a few yrs after the fact to be able to look back on that time and wonder WTF was I thinking? WTH was I doing??? Why did it take me soooo long. I was a COMPLETELY different person when I was with him, someone I don't even recognonize and at the time, I thought that fool was the love of my life. It took me quite sometime to realize that wasn't love. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't make us cry, and feel worthless and pathetic. Love makes us bloom into a flower. Love helps us realize there's NOTHING we can't do.

Another thing, when I was homeless because of my alcoholic abuser, he had gotten us kicked out of sooo many places, this last time, he went back to GA to stay with his Aunt while I opted to stay in TN because even as a homeless person, I was working a PT job AND going to school FULL time. One day I was very hot and went to a library for a little bit of A/C. While there I saw a sign for a Safe Space shelter and I gave them a call. They took my in with open arms, gave me a room, clothes, counseling and allowed me to stay until I had enough $$ saved to get my own place and that's exactly what I did. The eniitre time I was there, I felt bad, because I didn't see myself as an abused person. I felt like I was deceiving them and I felt bad, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. It wasn't until about 2 weeks AFTER I left there and I let the abuser back into my life and home, after the "honeymoon" period was over and he was back to his old ways, that I realized, OMG, I am being abused! LIGHT BULB!!!!!! It wasn't long after that I was finally over him and finally over being mistreated. He could not even respect the fact that I busted my butt to get us a roof over our head. Nope, according to him, I was still a fat (150 pound), useless, worthless, dumb (3.5 GPA) POS B-word. Yeah....it was soooooooo over at that point because I was ME again and I KNEW that I deserved better, even if it meant being a lone. All I can say now is when I look back on those times, I don't recognize who that girl was. Not even a little bit.

I only hope it doesn't take our dear Michelle as long as it did me.

And with that, Michelle, I'm about to pm you girly. :hug:

Lexxiss
09-07-2009, 10:14 AM
So if you made it through all that, give yourself a pat on the back and a hug from me cause you rock.
Hugs
Michelle

I did, because I care about you. You were very brave to put it all out on the table.( I mean to him, not to us) Perhaps some of the answers you got may help guide you towards your next courageous steps. What does he do for work? Don't feel obligated to answer if its not comfortable for you.

It does seem like there would be a church that would have someone willing to get you out a bit. It might help you gain some perspective. Where I live, there is a home where women in transition can come live for 6 months and receive emotional support while they have time to figure out their next step.

My heart goes out to you....and I understand going back to TN is not an option for you...it's ok...you don't have to.

Diva
09-07-2009, 10:17 AM
Michelle, I think there is something seriously wrong with this man. Why so secretive about his address and telephone number ? Who is he hiding from ? The answer to that may be why he never takes you anyplace. I think the idea about finding a church is an excellent one . Just call one that you are interested in and see if someone near you would pick you up. This happens all the time at the churches I am familiar with. If you decide you need to get out of this situation see if you can find a live-in job., caretaker for an elderly person or perhaps someone with a disabality needs a helper. or a live-in babysitter are some possibilities. I just feel the situation is so potentially dangerous. I hope I am wrong, but this man seems to be unable to have a loving, caring relationship. He seems to be very selfish. In todays economy money is a concern to all of us. Maybe we have to work overtime or maybe both partners need to work. All this harping about money, is, I believe a cover up for something else. I don't know what , but the way you describe him makes me nervous. I wish you well and as I have said before, you deserve better.
I completely agree with this and didn't even think of live in jobs. Michelle you'd be wonderful at that! And I've thought the same exact way as Bargoo, he is just weird, scary weird...Kidnapperish....weird...

dragonwoman64
09-07-2009, 10:24 AM
honestly, it shook me up to read he threatened to take you back to TN. He may love you, but he isn't loving you in a healthy way at all. I agree that it's emotional abuse (he may be scared of losing you and that's the only way he knows of behaving). And I completely agree with all of Pita's suggestions! great advice.

I think the way for you to get to the place where you're going to feel emotionally able to leave is to get out, meet people, do things that make you feel independent and supported outside of this guy. Even gathering the information about your area and local resources I'd bet will be a baby step that can move you forward. Read the local newspapers, grab a telephone book, use the internet. Find your local chamber of commerce/city hall, many times they have compiled lists of local resources and information that they mail or email for free.

Remember, people hide in the dark when they know they're doing something wrong. I'd bet if his family, his son, neighbors, co-workers, ex wife, etc., knew how he was treating you, there would be major criticism. I do wonder that some of them aren't more curious about it, but maybe they have a lot their dealing with in their own lives, and in domestic situations it can be very tricky for an outsider to step in.

I'm sure gazillions of women can relate to what you're going through, Michelle. Give yourself major points for speaking out and getting help, that's tough to do. You have a strong will to make a better life for yourself, you've lost an incredible amount of weight, you've stopped smoking. Now listen to what I say, you are not alone, your dad and husband and other loved ones are standing next to you now and want to help give you the strength to move forward. They want you to have the life you deserve too. Hang in there, take a deep breath, and just start doing.

JayEll
09-07-2009, 10:40 AM
I've stayed out of this until now, but Michele, I just want to give you my version of a reality check.

There is NO WAY that someone who really cares for you would suggest packing you up and sending you away because of money.

He wants to be rid of you and is looking for an excuse. Money is the convenient one, the one that he thinks no one can argue with. It's bull****. He's trying to ignore that you exist so he doesn't have to deal with you. He wants to come out of this looking like the good guy.

Start figuring out what you're going to do. You do have options, even though they aren't the greatest. Try to find your own housing, even a homeless shelter or women's shelter. Agencies are available to help you--you don't have to depend on this guy. Help is out there but you are going to have to go looking for it--it won't come to you without some effort on your part.

I have to say, you have put yourself into this situation, and you can get yourself out of it. It may mean being uncomfortable for awhile, but enough is enough. How much worse do you want it to get?

Jay

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 10:53 AM
honestly, it shook me up to read he threatened to take you back to TN. He may love you, but he isn't loving you in a healthy way at all. I agree that it's emotional abuse (he may be scared of losing you and that's the only way he knows of behaving). And I completely agree with all of Pita's suggestions! great advice.

I think the way for you to get to the place where you're going to feel emotionally able to leave is to get out, meet people, do things that make you feel independent and supported outside of this guy. Even gathering the information about your area and local resources I'd bet will be a baby step that can move you forward. Read the local newspapers, grab a telephone book, use the internet. Find your local chamber of commerce/city hall, many times they have compiled lists of local resources and information that they mail or email for free.

Remember, people hide in the dark when they know they're doing something wrong. I'd bet if his family, his son, neighbors, co-workers, ex wife, etc., knew how he was treating you, there would be major criticism. I do wonder that some of them aren't more curious about it, but maybe they have a lot their dealing with in their own lives, and in domestic situations it can be very tricky for an outsider to step in.

I'm sure gazillions of women can relate to what you're going through, Michelle. Give yourself major points for speaking out and getting help, that's tough to do. You have a strong will to make a better life for yourself, you've lost an incredible amount of weight, you've stopped smoking. Now listen to what I say, you are not alone, your dad and husband and other loved ones are standing next to you now and want to help give you the strength to move forward. They want you to have the life you deserve too. Hang in there, take a deep breath, and just start doing.


:hug::hug::hug:

Butterfly50
09-07-2009, 10:59 AM
Michelle Let me ask if you dont mind Do you live in a house , Apt Or Ect? Is their People Around you? I know you said you were 15 minutes from Being Able to go Shopping and All. Do you have neighbors ?Whats Around you? I hope you dont mind Jest wondering What Kind of Community You are Living Around.

Bonnie

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 11:00 AM
Mobile home, trailer park

Rosinante
09-07-2009, 11:01 AM
I just wanted to offer you my support - but I don't have any advice: I've never had a long-term relationship, so I can't begin to guess how it feels to be getting to the point when you know you may have to leave it.

I like the idea of using the internet and any newspapers etc to build up a picture of what there is in your area; that way it won't seem like a big, empty, scary space.

Big hugs and prayers.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 11:01 AM
Thank you, Rosinante :hug::hug:

rockinrobin
09-07-2009, 11:28 AM
Michelle, you are stronger then you think. All the time we say around here NOT to put off the weight loss. Do it NOW. Stop settling for second best when first is within your reach. Stop waiting for a disaster to strike. That there is no better time then NOW. The same applies here. This is not going to get better. I'm afraid it's just going to be the opposite. Now that you've both put your cards on the table and you know where you stand, it may even get ugly. I'm sorry, but this man does not love you. Maybe he THINKS he does - but he doesn't. Or it's some warped sense of love. People that love you don't do and say these things to you. People that like you don't do these things to you. Strangers wouldn't even do them. Start mapping out a plan. You've gotten great advice. Make those calls. Don't stop until you find a solution, a temporary one, just for the immediate future. Please don't hesitate. Don't delay. Take action. Now. Put the brakes on this situation BEFORE it turns south. I know the unknown is scary, but this situation I'm afraid is even scarier. Make those calls. Help IS out there.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 11:34 AM
Just a fyi so no one worries, I will probably be mia for a couple days.


I want to thank everyone again for their support, encouragement and advice.

Love ya'll.

Hugs
Michelle

Morrobay1990
09-07-2009, 11:35 AM
I haven't read all the pages in this thread, so if this is a repeat I apologize.

Michelle, read your posts in this thread as if they were written by me, or one of us here. What would your advice be?

Wishing you all the best...

Windchime
09-07-2009, 12:22 PM
Just a fyi so no one worries, I will probably be mia for a couple days.


I want to thank everyone again for their support, encouragement and advice.

Love ya'll.

Hugs
Michelle


I will worry about you anyway. Please get back in touch as soon as you can. There are dozens of us here who love and care about you, so remember that.

brandnewme
09-07-2009, 12:36 PM
Michelle, I know that you have a lot going through your mind, and you are at a point where you are probably going through information overload. Please just remember that even if you're not in a position where you feel you're ready to leave, there are many community organizations that will help you when you ARE ready to leave. The place I PMed you should offer free services for domestic violence victims - and, quite frankly, even if there's no physical abuse, you are being abused.

I will do some more digging to see what kind of resources are available in your area. If there's anything you need, please PM me. I will do whatever I can to help you get where you need to.

rockinrobin
09-07-2009, 12:43 PM
Just a fyi so no one worries, I will probably be mia for a couple days.



Sorry my friend. Your telling us not to worry is not enough to actually make us not worry. We are all deeply concerned. Please take care of yourself and be in touch as soon as possible. :hug:

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 12:51 PM
I've become more and more saddened as I've watched the details of your situation unfold. At first I'd hoped communication and maybe some hard work between you two would begin to solve things, but that clearly won't be enough.

You've gotten a lot of great advice since I last replied; I hope that since making your announcement that you may be MIA is a sign that you've made some very important decisions about your future and have begun to take actions on them. I'm sure there are plenty of shelters and other places of help in your area. I wish you luck, and be sure to update us on what happens so that we don't worry. :hug:

nooch
09-07-2009, 01:18 PM
Just a fyi so no one worries, I will probably be mia for a couple days.

Oh girl, you know we'll worry anyway.

I hope we hear from you soon!

LookingForMeAgain
09-07-2009, 02:20 PM
This is abuse and Im scared for you. You deserve to be loved you are a wonderful person who has accomplished soo much.

FitGirlyGirl
09-07-2009, 02:32 PM
His latest actions and things you have posted recently make me terrified for you. It reminds me so much of my ex (who ended up attempting to make me disappear entirely, btw). He is abusive and I am sorry, but no, he does not love you. That kind of person rarely loves anyone, not even themselves, so the fact that he doesn't love you says nothing about you. I really wish you were ready to leave, but I do hope you will start contacting people who can help even if you aren't ready to leave. Churches are an awesome idea and women's shelters will help you even if you aren't ready to leave him yet.

I'm assuming you will be MIA due to his days off. I will be hoping that the situation does not escalate due to increased time around each other. We will all be worried and hoping that you post again soon.

Roxy

WhitePicketFences
09-07-2009, 02:55 PM
For awhile in this thread I was thinking that he had gotten very used to your agoraphobia, etc and had taken it on your behalf -- become very protective of you combined with genuine money problems and time constraints.

But the thing about 'sending' you back to TN? I don't know what the situation was in TN (I would like to know) but in any case, you are right that that is certainly not the answer. Should not be his response. And if you two break up, if you are in the position of moving out, there is no reason that should translate into going to TN from NY.

I still think you should talk to your boyfriend about baby steps (getting a license, or at least going on a free weekly outing together for starters -- stuff like that). The money constraint should mean that he would like it if you got a part-time job.

But in the meantime, everyone is right that what's best for you is starting to seek out other ways as well. Maybe you could even meet online friends (women) in your area, who want to go out for an outing. Perhaps a hiking excursion.

I know you may be offline by now, and busy, but I am just wondering if you have you met or spoken to his ex-wife?

pucedaisy
09-07-2009, 03:34 PM
We love you, Michelle!
Just whatever you do, do it with love for yourself.
I hope the next few days bring you some peace- we are thinking about you.

cfmama
09-07-2009, 03:54 PM
I am SO worried about you... so so so worried. Please let us know what's going on.

CountingDown
09-07-2009, 04:06 PM
Mich- you continue to be in my prayers. Stay safe!

Judy Lynn
09-07-2009, 04:10 PM
I think Michelle has posted before that she is not on-line much during her bf's days off, so pretty I'm sure that's all it is.

Diva
09-07-2009, 05:15 PM
That and he has stated that he doesn't want to hear about her weight loss or 3FC. I'm sure he feels threatened by this place. I just hope he doesn't disconnect her internet which seems to me is her only way to the "outside" world so to speak. If he thinks she's getting all these ideas from peoples here he may just nip that in the bud too. I'm scared for her.

CanadianCutie
09-07-2009, 05:30 PM
Michelle, we are all so worried about you. Please get in touch as soon as you can. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sarah

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 05:55 PM
I am just thinking about everything is all. Since he has woke up things have been calm anyway. He even asked me to ride to town with him so that was a nice change. I ain't saying things have changed but at this moment I am content and I am only praying it lasts.

CanadianCutie
09-07-2009, 06:02 PM
glad to hear it at least opened his eyes. :hug:

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 06:04 PM
Yes for now so pray with me that it keeps on. I don't care if he has money to spend on me, I just want to be and feel loved, ya know? :|

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 06:11 PM
Oh and just to add..

While we were out, I asked were we going to his parents and he asked what for and I said so I could meet them and he said "Maybe tomorrow." Not sure really if he means it but maybe he does.

dragonwoman64
09-07-2009, 06:26 PM
keep on keepin' on, Michelle! you'll be ok, no matter which way the relationship winds blow.

Well, duh, I just saw you were in Ballston Spa, that's about 5 miles from Saratoga Springs, which is a fair sized town. I've been there, it's famous for its horse racing, celebrities from NYC used to go up there to watch them and bet (probably still do); we went off season. Wow, what a lovely area.

had to add this, from Wikipedia: Ballston Spa is the birthplace of Abner Doubleday, believed by some to be the creator of baseball.

matafleur
09-07-2009, 06:29 PM
Michelle,

I'm new here, but every time I see a post by you and see that you quit smoking in the midst of your weight loss journey I think to myself, "dang that woman is STRONG."

You haven't said this, but I get the feeling that he makes you feel weak. You quit a terrible addiction and continued to lose weight. You aren't weak: you are an inspiration to me and to many others on this forum.

I agree with pretty much everything that the others have said. My only suggestions would be: 1) get up one day and tell him you're riding in to town with him when he goes to work. Tell him you feel cooped up and just want to walk around and find a library or something. Pack a snack and a paperback and prepare yourself to be bored. Find that library, start meeting people - maybe you'll get lucky and find a job or a church or a charity that can use some volunteers. Unless his job site is so remote that there's nothing to see or do, I suspect he won't allow this. So instead, 2) use Google Maps to figure out where you are, and start walking. If it takes you all day to walk to the Walmart, cash your check, and walk back, then fine. You're trapped in his trailer - what else is there to do with your time? Whatever you buy with that money will feel triumphant - don't let yourself feel helpless and trapped.

One last thing: He will never, ever send you back to TN. Your conversation with him last night was exactly the worst possible version of that sort of talk. This is how I interpret what happened: You listed things that you need from him. Instead of answering, he threatened to do the worst thing you can imagine him doing to you. You stopped asking him for anything. In return, he gave you some small kindness so you wouldn't realize he was bullying you.

When he came into the bedroom and held you, that wasn't love - it was manipulation. Allowing you to go to the store with him today is exactly the same. Imagine what you would think if you were on the outside of this situation.

Best of luck to you.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 06:33 PM
matafleur, dragonwoman :hug::hug::hug::hug:

JuliaDH
09-07-2009, 06:46 PM
Oh and just to add..

While we were out, I asked were we going to his parents and he asked what for and I said so I could meet them and he said "Maybe tomorrow." Not sure really if he means it but maybe he does.

Since I pm'd you I have been thinking about other relationships he has in his life. How often does he see is folks? Have you talked to them on the phone? Are they a military family? If so that makes me wonder if he has attachment issues.Does his ex & son live near? Work and co-workers? I think the more you find out about how he interacts with other people the better you will get to know him and how he thinks/feels/funtions. I do recommend you working your way out into the community together would be great. A trip to the library, picnic in a town park, still thinking about the 2nd hand bikes. Maybe if you both got bikes you could both ride into town for exercise, good way to get to know the neigbourhood etc. Take baby steps with him. Have a plan and slowly expand both your and his comfort zones. If that means maybe only 1 new idea or activity a month is all he can manage to wrap his head around, try it. You will need to figure out a balance between your love, needs (not financial but basic needs including your interests ie reading group/club/church) and your long term life goals. Reassure him that just because you are ready to expand your comfort zone does not mean that you are going to take off on him and start a life with out him. Now may not be a good time to tell him his behaviour is making you think about taking off. As its been previously discussed if he is not willing to take baby steps with you and grow together as a couple in your community that is when your back up plan needs to kick in and you do move on. But make sure he is on board with you, more than a casual interest just to pacify you from these issues. If he cant love you as you discover who you are IN the relationship then he does not want to be IN relationship with you. I think to give him a wee bit of wiggle room in judging his character may be necessary as you really dont know how he functions as a whole. Yet to repeat if he continues to resist even little steps that back up plan for you needs to be there use. Please be careful! As you work thru your plans. There may be some therapy options to do over the phone if you are not able to find a ride or unable to leave the property while he is at work. Not promoting sneaking behind his back. But if that is what it takes to get some one local to speak to then that back up plan needs to be used. Also check out facebook for local groups. Maybe you can start an internet friendship with someone that will develop into a face to face. Wow I got long winded. But again just wanted to feel out some other ideas.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 07:16 PM
Thank you so much Julia.

He talks to his parents almost daily on the phone and sees them at least every other week when he goes to their house to stay with his son who he gets every other weeekend. I talked to both his parents a million times on the phone. They are not a military family, per say, but his daddy is a veteran and so is my bf. His son and ex live in another town but not like a million miles away or anything. I am not sure now who asked, but no, I have never spoken to his ex. He does not have a friendly relationship with her. It is cordial for their son's sake but not friendly by any means.

His work is about 3 minute drive from here and he never really interacts with co workers outside of work.

rockinrobin
09-07-2009, 07:18 PM
Michelle, I still believe that you are in danger. I don't believe this has opened up his eyes completely or long term. Please, please, please look into other avenues. PLEASE! Tread softly with him and be very careful. And stay in touch.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 07:20 PM
I will, I promise. Thanks Robin :hug::hug:


I know I am probably being naive and letting myself be lulled into a false sense of security and that everything is okay but for now, it has me not crying so that is good at least :|

Diva
09-07-2009, 07:31 PM
Why does his parents have visitation and not him alone? I don't understand why the child doesn't or isn't allowed to just come to his home?

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 07:32 PM
No, he has visitation. Before I came here, his son went to his parents because my bf works weekends 3-midnight shift so they were essentially babysitting. When I arrived, I had already stated vehemently that I did not want to meet anyone so he kept that arrangement.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 07:34 PM
But my bf does go to his parents and stay with his kid. When he gets off work on those Friday nights when his son is at his parents he goes there and doesn't come back home until Sunday night when he gets off work and his son is back at his mother's.

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 07:49 PM
Let me ask you something . . .

You dated online for five years before he came to get you, right? Does he feel like the same person now that you used to talk to online? Is this what you expected of your life when he pulled you out of your situation in TN? I'm sure what you wanted more than anything else was to get out of there at the time, but what about now?

You're ready to get out, ready to meet his family and others, yet he seems stuck in keeping things the way they've been the past year and a half. I really hope what you've said in your more recent posts are a sign of positive changes on the horizon, whether you end up staying with him or not.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 07:59 PM
No, he had given me hopes that I would be always feeling loved and cared for and not alone and unhappy anymore.

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 08:12 PM
Perhaps that's something you need to talk to him about as well . . . those are things everyone deserves from their partners.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 08:24 PM
I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 08:26 PM
That and he has stated that he doesn't want to hear about her weight loss or 3FC. I'm sure he feels threatened by this place. I just hope he doesn't disconnect her internet which seems to me is her only way to the "outside" world so to speak. If he thinks she's getting all these ideas from peoples here he may just nip that in the bud too. I'm scared for her.


This just made me think about after I made my initial post, about the check incident, I did mention to him that I posted about it here and that some had replied that it was abuse and he asked me did I post that he was beating me or what :|

rockinrobin
09-07-2009, 08:34 PM
I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.

There is no pleasing this type of person. If you were to tell him 1+1=2, he would tell you that it was wrong. The problem is not you. There is nothing wrong with you. It's HIM. You can't change him. He will not change. And you shouldn't change to please him, because you can't please him, no one can.

When someone shows you who they are - believe them. And he has shown you time and time again "who he is". For starters he is a liar, uncaring, unkind, mean, manipulative and controlling. He's shown this to you. Now please - believe him.

JuliaDH
09-07-2009, 08:34 PM
This just made me think about after I made my initial post, about the check incident, I did mention to him that I posted about it here and that some had replied that it was abuse and he asked me did I post that he was beating me or what :|

Most men only define abuse as being that of hitting, punching, rape, something that leaves visual evidence. The verbal abuse, things that affect the heart & soul are not so easily acknowledged. Yet is more harmful. Bruises & broken arms heal quickly. Heart & Soul does not. Be cautious and protective. Most men think that all we women need to do is grow a thick skin and let nasty comments roll off the cuff. But then a person would not be true to themseves. Be yourself. People will love you for being you. It may be him and it may not. Take each day one at a time...see if he is sincere in joining you in growing together if not as someone said many pages ago Fly beautiful butterfly fly!

rockinrobin
09-07-2009, 08:35 PM
Most men only define abuse as being that of hitting, punching, rape, something that leaves visual evidence. The verbal abuse, things that affect the heart & soul are not so easily acknowledged.

And just as painful and damaging. Maybe more so.

CountingDown
09-07-2009, 08:40 PM
I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.

Mich - if you read that quote from another chickie here, what would you think?

While I will not go as far as some others to say that bf does not love you, I WILL say that - without a doubt - he is manipulating and controlling you.

Relationships are give and take. He believes that he is providing for you, so he gets to control the relationship. You must - must - MUST change the dynamic of your relationship so that you are equal partners. The fact that he is contributing all of the $$$ has nothing to do with the fact that the relationship must be a 50/50 partnership.

From what I have read, you are definitely suffering emotional abuse. You are showing the classic symptoms, chickie. I encourage you to visit some of the sites you have been given, and realize that you are in danger. Not necessarily physical danger, but definitely in danger.

You DO need to evaluate your relationship objectively, and then decide what you want to do. And, regardless of your decision, you owe it to yourself to explore alternatives to staying where you are. You DO need to feel that you have a choice.

I encourage you to keep communicating with BF and evaluating his responses. Does he follow through with promises, or are they just a way to end the discussion? Ask for what you need. Expect to be treated as an equal. If you are not, you must accept that there is something very wrong in your relationship.

:hug:
Prayers continuing for you!

JuliaDH
09-07-2009, 08:44 PM
And just as painful and damaging. Maybe more so.

Yep edited my post to add more complete thought.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 08:49 PM
I was flipping back and trying to find who asked me about my situation before I moved here and can not find it. If it is you and you are reading this, remind me and I will pm you. Thanks!

CountingDown
09-07-2009, 08:57 PM
Mich - it was WhitePicketFences (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/members/whitepicketfences.html).

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 08:58 PM
Thanks so much CD!! :hug::hug:

ringmaster
09-07-2009, 09:11 PM
alot more replies since my own last reply.

all you ladies are so strong and give wonderful advice!

I was in a crappy relationship a couple years ago, and felt the same thing "it's my weight that he doesn't give me attention or want to go out and do date things" and money wasn't so much an issue because he always found time to go out with friends and he'd always pay and treat them for their dinners or drinks, and I when I mentioned us never going out together he'd say I'm being jealous and I figured he was right. Eventually he cheated on me and it ended.. but I wish I was smart enough and strong enough to accept things were really wrong to leave on my own first before I got hurt and things ended the way they did.

I had no one else besides him, so it felt better than nothing, maybe there's nothing better out there for me, who would want fat me.. but I think now being alone is better than always feeling sad in a bad relationship.

I noticed a common thing with the ladies that wind up in these situations, which I did myself.... you met these guys online and felt so self conscious about your weight you sent false pics. I think when people do that (and not having cruel intentions) it means you felt you weren't lovable as is... and maybe you feel that way still and you stay in these relationships because you still feel you are unlovable as is?

ringmaster
09-07-2009, 09:13 PM
A lot of places offer free counseling. You should really look into some of them - both for couples counseling and counseling for you.

what places offer free counseling?

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 09:14 PM
I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.
Hon . . . he's manipulating you to the point where you actually believe you're doing something wrong. He's turning every problem you both are having onto *your* shoulders and your shoulders alone.

You were pulled out of a very bad situation, which took you a while to even begin recovering from. You weren't ready to go out and meet people for a time, and that's understandable. What did you do instead? You started taking care of your health, eating better and exercising. Nothing wrong with any of that. And now that you're feeling better and have begun to feel ready to open up to the world, to ask for things that you need . . . he not only denies you, but blames you. And how is any of this your fault? How could he possibly make you feel that any of this is your fault? You only want to make positive changes and I see nothing selfish about it from your side. It's not fair of him to hold you back with blaming and excuses.

Diva
09-07-2009, 09:19 PM
No, he has visitation. Before I came here, his son went to his parents because my bf works weekends 3-midnight shift so they were essentially babysitting. When I arrived, I had already stated vehemently that I did not want to meet anyone so he kept that arrangement.

Okay good. I was just wondering out of concern for you girly.:hug:

Most men only define abuse as being that of hitting, punching, rape, something that leaves visual evidence. The verbal abuse, things that affect the heart & soul are not so easily acknowledged. Yet is more harmful. Bruises & broken arms heal quickly. Heart & Soul does not. Be cautious and protective. Most men think that all we women need to do is grow a thick skin and let nasty comments roll off the cuff.

This is sooo true and the hurtful words and things my ex said to me STILL haunt my dreams even now. I didn't start loving myself again until 2006, 4 yrs after we finally split up. Emotional and mental abuse is hard to recover from. I hate see see our Beautiful Butterfly(Michelle) go through anymore hurtful things. It's breaking my heart for her. :cry:

Diva
09-07-2009, 09:24 PM
I noticed a common thing with the ladies that wind up in these situations, which I did myself.... you met these guys online and felt so self conscious about your weight you sent false pics. I think when people do that (and not having cruel intentions) it means you felt you weren't lovable as is... and maybe you feel that way still and you stay in these relationships because you still feel you are unlovable as is?

My online situation wasn't based on false pretense at all. He sent me pics, and I sent him mine. We spent many an hour on the phone and on yahoo, and I told him exactly what he was getting. So much so, I was testing him to see if I could scare him away and he was just bound and determined. And here we are 7.5 yrs later in the best relationship I've EVER had in my life. Not all online relationships are a bust. :) Some actually do workout.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:24 PM
:hug::hug::hug: Roni

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 09:25 PM
I noticed a common thing with the ladies that wind up in these situations, which I did myself.... you met these guys online and felt so self conscious about your weight you sent false pics. I think when people do that (and not having cruel intentions) it means you felt you weren't lovable as is... and maybe you feel that way still and you stay in these relationships because you still feel you are unlovable as is?
I can definitely relate to that; in fact I only sent out pics of myself to my boyfriend (who was still just a friend at the time) because I figured he'd never be romantically interested in me anyway; I felt I had nothing to lose in showing my real self.

I was shocked when he told me I was beautiful. All 285 pounds of me. :o

I really didn't feel I was lovable "as-is" back then but he helped me change my mind. :)

I wish we could all get over the stigma of being overweight has brought many of us . . . that feeling of being a failure and being unlovable when that was never the case at all. We're all worthwhile people that deserve respect and love, regardless of what size clothes we wear or what the scale tells us. :hug:

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:28 PM
I will also mention, though before I moved here he never really acted like he does now, he has always had a way of turning every argument we had into my fault..I was being too emotional or too dramatic or psycho, etc. And before I told him about my weight and all obviously, he always made fun of overweight people. He does not talk about me except there are times when he will tease about how I was when I weighed 330 pounds which even if it is jest, it stings at times. I generally just shake it off because I don't wanna start an argument.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:30 PM
I didn't feel lovable, for sure. And I still have very negative thoughts about myself, I do not love myself and I find it hard to believe anyone else would even though I wish it to be so. I stay on the defense a lot of times because of the thoughts I hold about myself that I believe others are thinking too.

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 09:30 PM
my online situation wasn't based on false pretense at all. he sent me pics, and I sent him mine. We spent many an hour on the phone and on yahoo, and I told him exactly what he was getting. So much so, I was testing him to see if I could scare him away and he was just bound and determined. And here we are 7.5 yrs later in the best relationship I've EVER had in my life. Not all online relationships are a bust. :)
Good to hear! :hug: I basically did the same thing with my boyfriend. So much time spent on the phone, yahoo, webcams . . . we were truthful with each other, and met once in person before I made the final plunge of moving in with him. I do feel we've been very good for each other, and he's helped me out so much with my insecurities. I've never regretted a moment of being with him, and we've been together for nearly 3 years now. :dizzy:

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:30 PM
And I don't think my relationship is a bust really, it just needs some work..a lot of work :S

bargoo
09-07-2009, 09:38 PM
Michelle, have you ever thoght of doing some affirmations? Get a tablet and a pen and write, over and over.........
"I am a kind and loveable person and I deserve to be loved and cherished."
Do this every day, fill the tablet , every line. The idea is to change this from just a thought or wish but something you truly believe. The rest of us believe it.

Lizzyg
09-07-2009, 09:39 PM
And I don't think my relationship is a bust really, it just needs some work..a lot of work :S

And that may be true, but it needs work from the BOTH of you. It cant be all one sided, otherwise it will never work. And it cant be you just giving in to him all the time to avoid him being upset.

:hug:

Diva
09-07-2009, 09:42 PM
Good to hear! :hug: I basically did the same thing with my boyfriend. So much time spent on the phone, yahoo, webcams . . . we were truthful with each other, and met once in person before I made the final plunge of moving in with him. I do feel we've been very good for each other, and he's helped me out so much with my insecurities. I've never regretted a moment of being with him, and we've been together for nearly 3 years now. :dizzy:

Sirenity, that's awesome girl. Doesn't it feel great? My Dude believes in my more than I do in myself sometimes. He makes me feel like I am worth loving and makes me feel like I am a princess and special. Where I will see a false of flaw in my character, he just doesn't see it at all, and if someone insults me or hurts my feelers, he just NEVER ever thinks it's me. It simply MUST be the other person that's the screw up. It could never be me...even though sometimes I know it is. I just love his guts for this.

Edited to add: Not saying we are perfect. We have our problems and disagreements sometimes too, but not very often. But when we do, we've learned to have clean arguments and always try to resolve them as quickly as possible.

CountingDown
09-07-2009, 09:46 PM
Mich - you keyed on the crux of the situation earlier. You MUST love yourself. And, hon - it doesn't matter of you way 100 or 500 lbs. Your weight should have absolutely NOTHING to do with how much you OR your bf feel about you and your value and worth as a human being. Nothing - nada - zilch - zero.

You are who you are REGARDLESS of how much you weigh. You need to spend some time looking in the mirror and complimenting the beautiful chickie that is staring back at you. You need to go back through the threads here and write down every word that others have used to describe you.
Then, you need to read, and re-read - until you can recite by heart - with feeling - and meaning - what a wonderful, fantastic, gifted, and talented chickie you are. Add to the list as you ponder every positive attribute about yourself. Be shameless - list them ALL!

You hit the nail on the head earlier. Once YOU believe that you are a wonderful person - that DESERVES to be treated with respect, love and admiration - you can then EXPECT to be treated that way by everyone around you - expecially your bf.

CountingDown
09-07-2009, 09:47 PM
Bargoo - great minds ... :hug:

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 09:50 PM
Great advice and ideas, thanks ladies :hug::hug:

findingfawn
09-07-2009, 09:51 PM
Just wanted to offer some :hug:

We aren't very well off, in fact my hubby works, is the only income and he would never ever insinuate that this is his home or that I had to even think of asking to buy myself clothes or our 4 kids (I do, just because before him I had always supported myself and was used to having my own money. I feel guilty at times for spending his).

I'm not sure how far from me you are, but there is a womans shelter here (well next town over), and if you begin to feel the need to get out I'm sure they would take you in. It would take some money juggling but I would find a way to come get you. They would help you get on your feet here. It's far from a great place, but it's safe and they are an amazing help. I lived there for several months as a teen with my mom and it really made a difference in getting our lives together after she was abused. (Sadly I followed her lead and spent 9 years with my abusive ex, luckily I got out and fate brought me my hubby at just the right time... if you want more of a story there you can PM me.) But anyway, if you need anything PM me... even if you need some clothes, I check the Sal Val on a regular basis I'm sure I could squeeze a few things for you with my paypal money and send them to you.

Elladorine
09-07-2009, 10:01 PM
Sirenity, that's awesome girl. Doesn't it feel great? My Dude believes in my more than I do in myself sometimes. He makes me feel like I am worth loving and makes me feel like I am a princess and special. Where I will see a false of flaw in my character, he just doesn't see it at all, and if someone insults me or hurts my feelers, he just NEVER ever thinks it's me. It simply MUST be the other person that's the screw up. It could never be me...even though sometimes I know it is. I just love his guts for this.

Edited to add: Not saying we are perfect. We have our problems and disagreements sometimes too, but not very often. But when we do, we've learned to have clean arguments and always try to resolve them as quickly as possible.
It certainly does! Such a refreshing change after so many years of feeling horrible about myself, yet I still have my moments where I don't believe I deserve it all. :o

And yes, we all have disagreements. In fact, I think arguing is healthy (up to a point), because you can't always have the same opinion and you need to be able to voice it.

JuliaDH
09-07-2009, 10:06 PM
And yes, we all have disagreements. In fact, I think arguing is healthy (up to a point), because you can't always have the same opinion and you need to be able to voice it.

Fighting Fair was probably the hardest skill for us to learn. We still work on it and its been almost 11 yrs. Now we are busy teaching out kids that its ok to agree to disagree.

Onederchic
09-07-2009, 10:15 PM
Thank you Fawn, that means a lot :hug::hug: