100 lb. Club - OT - Really Upset

One thing I'd say is don't settle for anything less than a loving, supportive relationship. You really do deserve it. We are here for you :hug:

Aww nelie, thank you :hug::hug:

Onderchick - You're a terrific chickie and don't ever forget it. I look forward to reading your posts all the time and you've inspired me to stay OP when I would have faltered. Sorry things aren't going the best between your bf and you - do try the positive affirmation - it certainly helped me. And judging from the outpouring of support for you - you should realize what a wonderful lady you are. Hugs to you.

Awww! Thanks waquilter!! I do feel truly blessed because of the people here on this forum for sure :hug::hug:

Michelle, I do not know you. I have read a lot of your posts on the message board and your weight loss is a inspiration to me. I hope I have the strength to do what you have done.

When I read this post red flags starting flying for me, I have been where you are. It hard! You need to make some decisions, decide what will make you happy, and then follow through with them.

It will not be easy but you are a strong woman and you can do it. Don't continue to let a man keep you "prisoner" because you feel you owe him something.

I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.

This reminds me of something I read awhile ago that helped open my eyes... maybe you can read it over and see if it sounds familiar to your situation..

http://www.helium.com/items/110746-gaslighting-the-extremes-of-emotional-abuse

hope things work out for you. keep any numbers you might need written down in a safe spot in case you lose access to the internet.

even if there's no physical abuse, you are being abused.


Yes you are! You deserve so much better!! You are worth it!!

I have read through everything--it
has taken me a couple of days, but I felt this really deserved it.

I once thought I didn't love myself. I really and truly couldn't think I was "worth" anything--or anyone.

The pain that thought caused me! I would cry and cry thinking how sad it was I was so worthless.

Then one day I realised what that was: I was crying not because I was worthless: but because I was worthwhile and somehow my life had been set up to "tell me" I wasn't.



You're crying in the bathroom because YOU KNOW you deserve better than you are getting. And it is your self-love that makes you come here.

You know what's true! In your heart, you know what's true. This situation isn't right. Maybe you can change it from the inside, maybe you can't.

The ladies here have said it over and over and much better than I can: I just wanted you to know that I have been there, too. I really thought I was a piece of sh*t and I set life up to confirm that belief. Then I was sad.

When I realised that that belief was just wrong--otherwise why would I be sad?--it took time--a long time--but eventually, my life was no longer set up to reflect that belief back to me. And yeah, I had to shed a few guys, actually, on my journey. And a few addresses. And even a couple of jobs or three. It was a process. For you, that process has already started, I think. You know, in your heart, what you need to do. Do it gently, but swiftly and with honesty, that's all.

You love yourself--you do--otherwise you would not have quit smoking (the incentive may have come from him and I too quit because my husband asked me too--for the same "financial" reasons) and SURVIVED that first week from **** without self-love--no one COULD--so I know you do. By the by--I quit Oct 22, 2008! We're quit buddies--Hooray for us!

Anyway, I hope and pray that helps. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Take a walk around the block (or a dozen) and come and tell us abut it, ok?

:hug:

Sirenity -

As to my previous situation ... My husband and I were together for 12 years. Then after he passed there was noone until my current boyfriend.

...I need to be more assertive and stand my ground but he makes it difficult. I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home which really does nothing good for me emotionally, it really only helps make the negative feelings I hold about myself grow.

I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.

I just really feel my weight is what the issue is for him. I can't lose any faster than I am unless I starve myself and I ain't doing that.

I don't know really know anything much right now. I just want to feel appreciated and loved and pretty. Maybe one day.

Michelle, I have been in most of your situation. I'm 5'2" also and met my last BF online. I also lied about my weight until it was time to move to New York. I had been too lonely for FAR too long and was in a bad situation when we first met online. He showered me with attention and compliments online, phoned to chat with me for hours at a time and made me feel beautiful and loved, so naturally, I fell HARD for him. He promised me that if I moved to New York, he'd make me happy for the rest of my life. He seemed like my knight in shining armor UNTIL I moved from Chicago to New York.

The first two weeks after I arrived in New York he was attentive to my physical needs. After the first couple weeks, the compliments stopped. The long lovers' chats stopped. I couldn't get him off his computer for sex, let alone anything else. His reasoning for not wanting sex or to do anything but work and online gaming was that he was "stressed" due to work, financial issues, etc.

Until I got a job I never asked for anything I wanted or needed because I felt bad that I wasn't contributing to the household finances. I had to find my own way around, he couldn't even be bothered to help me learn my way around my new home to LOOK for a job!

He knew that having a car was important to me. He said nobody in New York needs one. I wanted to advertise in the Village Voice to find girl friends to hang with. He said he wasn't comfortable with me doing that because they were "strangers". I wanted to meet his Mom. He said she and her husband smoked and he didn't like going there and he wouldn't invite her over to our place no matter how many times I asked him to. His brother would come over and he'd meet him outside rather than invite him in to visit with US. No matter what I wanted or needed, he always threw up a roadblock. When I'd be unhappy and cry he'd tell me that "nothing was ever easy with me" and he'd tell me I was "giving him a headache". There are SOOOOO many similarities in our situations!

The problem wasn't my excess weight, NOR was it ME. HE was the problem. His controlling ways, his lack of attention, his critical comments. I waited for things to change, I asked for changes I needed to be happy, I LEFT him and went home to Chicago after 8 months when NOTHING changed. Then I heard "Baby, I LOVE you! Come back home! I'll make sure you're happy this time! I'm sorry!" I hauled my butt BACK to New York from Chicago (at my expense) and it was the same thing all over again. Worse actually.

I left him again a year later and have missed him terribly and it's taken 6 years to get over him because I loved him with all my heart and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm a stronger happier person without him now and ready to start dating again soon. Time really does heal all wounds.

I don't know you except for your 3FC posts and I'm not suggesting you should leave him so much as suggesting that you need to read all of your posts about your man. You're a beautiful woman, inside and out. I believe that you have ALOT to offer an employer, your man, your friends ... and you owe it to yourself to have a well rounded and happy life. And what you've described isn't well rounded nor happy.

I have no super advice for you but I can send a hug from someone who's been there.:hug:

The problem wasn't my excess weight, NOR was it ME. HE was the problem. His controlling ways, his lack of attention, his critical comments. I waited for things to change, I asked for changes I needed to be happy, I LEFT him and went home to Chicago after 8 months when NOTHING changed. Then I heard "Baby, I LOVE you! Come back home! I'll make sure you're happy this time! I'm sorry!" I hauled my butt BACK to New York from Chicago (at my expense) and it was the same thing all over again. Worse actually.



:hug: it sure does take time to heal after this type of thing happens to you. for so long we are told it's US, we are doing this wrong, if we did this it would be better - but these type of guys set the bar impossibly so high to reach to ever make them happy. if it wasn't us, it would of been someone else they could control. Our only mistake is staying with them hoping they'll change. now we live and learn if things aren't right, if you talk and ask for changes and they don't happen soon, don't wait years hoping they will change.

Thanks so much SmallSteps and ringmaster. Also ringmaster, thanks for the link :hug::hug:

CamiToo - Thank you very much for sharing your story :hug::hug::hug:

ringmaster -

I just started reading the article and the first thing I see is -

There is a type of pain a woman experiences when, after years of faithful marriage, she begins to witness changes in her husband that, when confronted, are then said to be the creation of the wife's imagination, a plot to hide her own actions, or the perception of a woman in need of psychiatric help


I am always at fault here, always. And more than once he has said it is due to me being "psycho", because of the emotional issues I do have :|

Oh and it is too easy for me to believe since I was diagnosed, either rightfully so or no, with depression, anxiety, bpd, mild agoraphobia...so yeah, when he has said that I think it is probably true so then I apologize and promise to try and get my craziness under control :|

Another excerpt -

*You're reaching.
*You see everything in the most negative way!
*You're always nagging me about something all the time.
*You're making things up in your head or blowing things out of proportion.
*Your imagination is working overtime.
*You have an overactive imagination.
*You take everything wrong.
*You see everything wrong.
*You have never believed in me, then!
*You probably never believed in me when we took our vows!


This article is kinda hard to read :o

:hug::hug:

Thanks silverbirch, needed that :hug:

With these guys "it is always your fault ." Please be careful Michelle that it doesn't turn into "you made me do it."Please take care of yourself, you deserve better.

Thank you, bargoo :hug::hug:

This article is kinda hard to read :o

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks sidhe :hug::hug:

I just got out of an long 8 year emotional abusive relationship in January. It was the hardest step I've ever taken, and it was so hard to let go. Even now, I have days when I want it back just because I knew what I was getting with it. Just trust me when I say that I have never felt happier, or stronger, or believed in myself as much as I do now. I know now that I deserve someone who loves me, and he doesn't and won't and probably couldn't. He had convinced me I was crazy and had huge psychological issues. He convinced all of his friends that I was a psycho *****, and that everything was all me. When we broke up, I really just had my family and one close friend. He had distanced myself from my family to the point where they didnt even know we were still together. My family and best friend saw the abuse, even trying to talk to me about it, but I was so far into it that I didn't do anything about it. In January he told me he was going to go on this trip with this other girl, and if I loved him I would understand why he needed to do it. I am ashamed to admit that I didn't even let go then. It took me 3 months of us fighting over the phone, in person, via email before I took the first step and cut off contact. I fell apart in February, and decided to go to a therapist to find out if I was crazy. I have been going to a therapist, and tried to surround myself with people who are positive and listen to me. And it works, I met a guy this weekend, and it was nice to have someone compliment you, and make you feel good about yourself. While I'm not ready to date, it was nice to be wanted, and not be made to feel like you are crazy. You may think that you are alone, but the faceless people over the internet can sometimes give you courage when you need it the most. Please if you want to talk to someone PM me.
But dont be afraid....a lot of people care.

I'm sorry he would call you psycho :( I think we all have our various issues and I've experienced anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, etc. I also remember when I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend), I did have some issues and I would easily take any criticism too harshly. I ended up crying for really no apparent reason but he would hug me, tell me everything was ok and it wasn't that bad. Funny thing is, I later discovered it was my new BCP as I would always be very emotional/sensitive during a certain week of the month. I switched pills and it went away. I was acting psycho but he never said a word or put me down for it.

Daisy -

Thank you so much for sharing and for the offer of a "cyber ear" :hug::hug::hug:

Thanks nelie.

I am a very emotional person, it's true. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I take most things very personally. They are things I try to work on but not always easy to overcome.

Generally when I am having an emotional time, his solution is to ignore it/me unless I confront him which doesn't solve anything either really.

:hug: I can't add any more wisdom than everyone here has already given you. I can just reiterate that we're all here for you. You've always had wonderful things to say to anything that me (or anyone else) posted and I always feel like you make an effort to make everyone new who comes here feel welcome and supported. I'm glad I can be here for you to return the favor. :)

You're an inspiration to a lot of people on this thread. You're a strong, intelligent, beautiful, insightful woman who deserves EVERYTHING that you want. Don't sell yourself short. And don't settle for anything but the best in your life because you absolutely deserve.

Just think of what you'd say to a woman who's in your position. Re-read what you've written here and pretend it's not your own post. And think about what you'd tell any one of us if we were in this situation. We're all worried and care a lot about your well being. Mentally, you've been getting broken down for quite a long time. Now is the time for you to stand up for yourself. Be strong and fight for your independence, either in this relationship or out of it, you need to be free to be yourself. You have to tell yourself that you DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT IN LIFE.

I understand that you've been saved in a lot of ways by your bf and god bless him for getting you out of a very bad situation. But just because he may have saved your life, it doesn't mean he gets to control every aspect of it. If any part of you feels that the way you are being treated is not the best you CAN be treated, than something needs to change. Please keep us posted on how it's going. xoxo :hug:

Awww Abby, that means so much, thank you :hug::hug:

I can see why the article ringmaster sent you would be difficult to read. I read it and parts of it were hard for me even though I have been out of my bad situation for years now. I applaud you on reading it even though it is hard :bravo:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Roxy

Thank you, Roxy :hug::hug:

Hi,

I've read through this thread and it makes me want to offer you so many hugs. You are such a bright an enthsiastic presence here on 3FC and I always love reading what you have to say. You are an incredibly strong woman to have made it this far and you know that you have so much support from us whatever path you decide to follow.

You've gotten lots of awesome advice and lists of resources here but at the risk of completely overloading you, I wanted to throw one more out there.

I'm a librarian so I instantly thought of a local library as a resource: http://bspl.sals.edu/

That's the website for the ballston spas public library. If nothing else, it offers links to other community information. It also has free events and book clubs that you and your bf could check out...or you could check out yourself once you become a cyclist extraordinaire. They may also have jobsearch advice as many do.

Also, some libraries offer book delivery services where they will deliver books to people who can't get out much for any reason. I can't tell from the site if Ballston Spa does but a quick phone call could tell you.

I also suggest a library because it's not a bad place find other people who are friendly but perhaps not obvious social butterflies and it may be the sort of environment that you feel comfortable in.

Just another one to add to a list.

Take care of yourself. You're important.

What a wonderful idea, Sylvied, thank you :hug::hug:

You are not broken, or fatally flawed, or defective, or psycho. You do not have to create self-love and self-esteem out of thin air--it's always been there, you've just never been taught how to claim it or protect it. I believe you started protecting your self esteem by changing your eating, quitting smoking, contributing to 3FC.

Beliefs are incredibly powerful, and can encourage us accept pain as all we deserve because we believe we are unloveable, worthless or damaged. But we can change our beliefs. We are allowed to update them. There is no threshold for when you become "worth" saving, worth basic human needs for food, shelter, clothing, and love.

The old beliefs want to perpetuate themselves, they don't want to go into oblivion--so they'll probably tell you that you are unloveable because you can't even love yourself, therefore you deserve nothing. Or that you really are the exception--but I suspect there are many chicks who believe they were the one exception to the belief that we all deserve love.

I'll be thinking of you as you continue to learn how to protect yourself, love yourself--

How very profound, Nuxmaga. Thank you :hug::hug:

Michelle,
I was gone all weekend and have been reading this thread off and on this morning as time permitted. :hug:

I am sorry about everything that you have been going through. I hope that you and your boyfriend can work things out but, like the others, I am alarmed and concerned for you.

Reading the last few posts, I became concerned that he may pull your Internet access now that he knows you have been posting about this. It would be so easy to say that he was eliminating Internet access to "save money." What will you do if he removes your last interaction with the outside world?

I want to encourage you to start an action plan right now, today while you have Internet access. You have been given good suggestions on this thread. Write them down so that if your access ends today, you will have them. I think someone sent you information about a women's shelter. Write down their phone number. If I am wrong and you don't have the information about a women's shelter, look it up. Right now. Find the phone number to apply for low income housing and food stamps and write it down. Where is the closest library? Is it within walking distance? You could go there to use the Internet and research resources.

Decide exactly what you will do if he stops the Internet access. Have a plan and don't tell him about it. Don't share everything with him. Don't tell him what you tell us on 3FCs.

I know that I am sounding dramatic but I don't think that I am overreacting. You don't have to use this information but just having it can make you feel better.

My husband and I went through some bad times a long time ago. He was a controlling alcoholic. We had a happy ending. He was been sober for almost 20 years. He got over his controlling ways but it took me putting my foot down. I don't know if I would have had the strength if I had not developed a plan.

When I was a stay at home mother, in the heat of an argument, sometimes my husband would throw up the fact that he was the bread winner. A couple of times, he even threatened to pull all the money. About the third or fourth time he did that, I told him not to make that threat again unless he was ready to get a lawyer. I also started job hunting.

I squirreled away money. I saved $5 here and $10 there. My first goal was to have enough money to spend one night in a hotel if I needed to. This was before I even got a job. He kept track of our finances so I got sneaky. I would buy something at Walmart that he approved of, then would take it back and save the cash. Then I got a little part-time job, then went back to school and finally went back to work full-time. I promised myself that I would never be financially dependent on him again.

Unfortunately, I believe that money is power. I know a few marriages where the stay at home mom seems to be treated as an equal partner but I always wonder. Everyone probably thought that about me years ago but my husband really thought that since he made the money, he should control it. I guess part of me believed that too.

I have a happy ending. I think that our marriage is stronger because of all that we went though. We are equal partners but only because I made it clear that I would accept nothing less. I think that he even grew to respect me more.

I hope that you will have a happy ending too. I certainly think that it is possible. We may be misinterpreting the signs we are seeing in your posts.

Long term, I want to encourage you to become self dependent but that can take a long time. Make a plan for right now and then develop a long term plan.

Let us know how it goes. We are here for you. :hug::hug:

Cheryl -

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement and for sharing your now success story. It gives me hope :D :hug::hug:

Hey Michelle,

I have been reading your thread over the last couple days and want to let you know I'm praying for you. You are in a though situation, and I too feel that you are basically being held hostage by a guy who isn't mentally stable.

In an odd sort of way your story reminds me of the old 80's movie, "Ruthless People" starring Danny Devito and Bette Midler. If you recall Bette was an over weight woman held hostage in her kidnappers basement...she started exercising, lost loads of weight, and became a very ruthless and self sufficient woman. She finally realized just how strong she was, and took total control of the situation. I hope your ending comes out as well as the movie.

I've read your story a few times but there was one thing that I always wondered. When you finally decided to tell your boyfriend about your weight and that you had been dishonest with him about it, was this BEFORE or AFTER he had asked you to move to NY with him? What about your extra baggage, (the social disorders and all)...did he know all of this before he asked you to move? What I mean is, did he think you were "phyco", (his stupid word) before he got in his car and drove to TN to "save" you? You said you chatted for 5 years prior to getting together, why do you suppose it took him so long to come and get you?

Oh and the last thing I wanted to say, (again...I think someone else told you this as well)...This man did not save you! You saved you. You took control. You do not owe this man anything except maybe a few bucks for rent. That's ALL you owe him. You can do anything...you are ONEDERCHICK. Love has nothing to do with this relationship. NOTHING.

He knew about my emotional issues way before coming to TN. The reason he didn't come sooner is because of me, I was too ashamed of me and that I had lied to him. But last year he just finally said it was enough and he was coming. Before he left NY, I did tell him I was 300+ pounds though I honestly believe he thought I was being dramatic. Then while he was on the road headed to TN, I sent him a pic of me to his cell phone. This was in plenty of time for him to turn back and go home and not come to get me.


Thank you so much for the support and prayers, I need them and appreciate them, Lori :hug::hug:

Michelle, I just wanted to offer you some extra :hug: :hug:! I have been thinking about you all day and for a few hours it has started bothering me that I'm sure you are feeling bombarded or even attacked in a way here. I remember that feeling... all my friends (when I still had them!) and family (again when they were still allowed to be a part of my life) telling me that my ex was dangerous and I needed to get out, it was horrible because I was so in love with him and was sure I could change him. It took me opening my own eyes to make me see what was wrong, but all that time that others were telling me he was no good or what ever really didn't do much more than agrivate me and even push me even further into his clutches.

Know that I as well as everyone here are all here for you no matter what you decide, and only want what is best for you.

Also.. a "note" to Cheryl. It is possible for a relationship to work and even to flourish when one is a stay at home parent. Hubby never ever tells me that the money is his, he never even buys anything without my permission... even if it's a pack of gum. He tells me over and over that I'm more valuable to him and the kids here at home than I would be if I was out of the home all day bringing home a paycheck. He also never holds it over me at all that we live on his families farm etc. It's all ours equally, but I am sure that we probably aren't the norm.

Fawn, you rock!! Thank you so so much :hug::hug:

You are so welcome doll, if you need ANYTHING please don't be afraid to ask! As President Obama said today in his speech to the school students... "Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.." (I think I got that all right we watched it today for school.. we homeschool).

Awww :D :hug::hug:

I know you have already gotten many good resources and such, but I'd like to give you a few more.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/ This is emotionally difficult reading, but it might help, make sure you check out the links section as well.

http://www.ncadv.org/ - lots of resources here

Also, The YWCA usually has lots of resources for women in bad situations. It looks like the closest one to you is 2450 Van Vranken Ave # E38, Schenectady, NY 12308, (518) 372-4895

http://www.americanhumane.org/human-animal-bond/programs/pets-and-womens-shelters/domestic-family-violence-shelters.html - there is a phone number and an e-mail here for people who will help you either find a shelter that will let you bring your doggy or will help you find another way to keep the doggy safe while you get on your feet.

Originally posted by findingfawn
Also.. a "note" to Cheryl. It is possible for a relationship to work and even to flourish when one is a stay at home parent. Hubby never ever tells me that the money is his, he never even buys anything without my permission... even if it's a pack of gum. He tells me over and over that I'm more valuable to him and the kids here at home than I would be if I was out of the home all day bringing home a paycheck. He also never holds it over me at all that we live on his families farm etc. It's all ours equally, but I am sure that we probably aren't the norm.

ff,
I was not putting down being a stay at home parent. I was one for 13 years and would do it again. I am glad that all is your equally and hope that you are the norm. :) That should be the norm. I think that our problem probably came more from the alcohol than anything else. Living with an alcoholic has its own set of problems. All our problems got much better once he quit drinking.

It sounds like you have a great husband!

Something I just thought about after reading all these posts and all these wonderful resources that everyone has provided for you...be sure to clear your search history after you go to those websites.

Just to be on the safe side.

I am closing out this thread.

I won't be logging on for a few days.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support.

Hugs
Michelle

Oh and just to be clear, this time it has nothing to do with my boyfriend.

Okay, someone made me feel better so I reopened this thread.

Okay, someone made me feel better so I reopened this thread.

:hug:
i'm glad someone made you feel better and you reopened your thread.

I havent had a chance to finish reading through all the posts. but i do understand the phenomenon of when someone opens up themselves to people they do feel very vulnerable to what people say.
i just wanted to give you kudos for allowing yourself to open up to us and sharing what is on your mind.
sometimes the fact of just writing out whats bothering you. can help with the healing process. it helps to organise your thoughts and provide a vessel to allow the negative feelings out.

Thanks Echo, I ♥ you :hug::hug:

Thanks Echo, I ♥ you :hug::hug:

:D awww bless. love ya too Sweetpea! :hug:

:d :d

Hey, just an FYI, (and not to muddy up your tofu thread, I did a quick check on the location of the military commissary and of the nearest Wal-mart, and they are within a few miles of each other. Your bf could have very easily dropped you off at Wally World to let you shop and browse while he attended to mommy dearest to do his weekly grocery shopping with her. (sorry, I keep bringing up movies...;)) He said the other day he didn't want to make an unnecessary trip, but since he was going very near the same location anyway I would suggest this next time. This way you can do your thing, he can do his, you can avoid his parents and no one has any unnecessary trips

Thanks Lori, I didn't even have a clue :D :hug:

Oh and ps - love your new avatar!!! :D

I am closing out this thread.

I won't be logging on for a few days.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support.
Hugs
Michelle

I understand you've reopened this, but an option would be to close it and CONTINUE to log in for a few days, but without all of the continual feedback and the emotions you must be going through on this thread.

Besides, what will I do without you in on the word game threads???

Alot of your friends here are so concerned when you log off for awhile since you are such a positive contributor to the forums.

Thank you, Debbie :hug::hug:. I will still keep logging in :D

Since I took the time to read this long thread, I wanted to take the time to post and send my thoughts and love to you, Michelle.

I don't have anything to add - it seems any opinions/advice that came to my mind was already posted better than I could have expressed it anyway. I just want to wish you happiness, love, and everything else good in the world because I truly feel you deserve it. You are such an influence on here, always willing to help others and pick them up. You are so strong, you are beautiful, and you have already accomplished so much. I just hope you realize how special you really are. :)

Best wishes, I so hope things get better.

Awww Beth how sweet, thank you so much :hug::hug:

Here though, I am really isolated and know only my boyfriend and have no idea of any resources to get to and from a therapist for no money.

Call your local library. If they are worth their salt they will be able to put you in touch with agencies that can help.

Thank you, Caroline :hug:

I am glad you will continue to log in.
I am glad you will keep the thread open.
Thanks for your strength in being open about this issue!
I know there are others out there on 3FC who are in similar situations. All the advise and info will help them too! And you did not even know you were helping others! And hopefully they know that we all care for them too!

:) :hug::hug:

I can see why the article ringmaster sent you would be difficult to read. I read it and parts of it were hard for me even though I have been out of my bad situation for years now. I applaud you on reading it even though it is hard :bravo:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Roxy

I'm sorry, it wasn't made to make anyone feel bad. :( My reaction to reading it and similar articles and forums online was, first I was shocked how close it sounds to my past relationship, some of it even word for word, some of the quotes are the exact things I heard. And it opened my eyes that is wasn't me, which made me feel better. Learning about that controlling behavior helped me understand a lot in my past relationship and to it let go and heal. I guess it's my closure to understanding why someone who said they loved me acted the way he did.

I thought it would be comforting to know it wasn't her or her fault. :hug:

You didn't make me feel bad. I guess it was hard to see that maybe something is wrong here. Thanks again for the link :hug::hug:

I'm also kind of concerned that he didn't buy food for you?! What did he end up buying?

Michelle-

I think you are very wonderful and brave. Despite all you have been through and are going through now, you are so supportive and kind. Be as kind supportive to yourself, give yourself the love you so deserve. Many of us have had some similar experiences, with different positive outcomes. Love yourself and make the changes you need to be true to yourself- even small changes can have wide reaching effects. All of this must be overwhelming, so take what rings true from us. We so truly care about you.

-Alison

I'm also kind of concerned that he didn't buy food for you?! What did he end up buying?


He just didn't get a dinner protein. I have some canned green beans, oats, lettuce, apples and eggs.

Thanks so much Alison, it means a lot :hug::hug:

Girl, I've been reading your thread these past few days and I told my husband about it when he asked what I kept reading. I told him you live too far from us (we're in TX) or I'd send you a bus ticket and you could crash on our couch! That sweet man of mine agreed with me--take care of yourself :hug:

Awww :D Thanks so much :hug::hug:

He has hurt my feelings again and I have spent the last hour bawling again. I can't really explain it all now because he is still awake but please send me lots of hugs and prayers :hug:

:hug: :hug:

Take care of yourself.

:hug:

:hug:

you have to understand, we are all so worried about you, this is not getting any better. Such great advice and help from so many, please do try to look into some of these, yes, making that first call or asking for help will be hard, but you will see, so many people are just waiting for you to call them, for help.

I do hope today brings you joy, and happiness!

hugs. Prayers. Girl... get out :( I love you to death and it hurts me to see you like that :(

Awwww... Big hugs from me to you! :hug:

:hug::hug::hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug: I'm praying for you. xoxo

:hug::hug::hug:

:hug: Michelle, I don't think he is embarrased of you. You weigh 190 pounds girl, you are NOT fat. You're a very beautiful and kind woman, and any man would be damn lucky to have you. I just wish he would realize that. I do believe he is isolating you, maybe he doesn't see it that way, but I think you should just sit down and have a calm talk with him about it. It may resolve a lot of issues.
And I think you getting a job would be a great idea. You would be earning money, AND it would get you out of the house! :)

Best of luck. Be strong and keep your head up. :hug:

Oh sweetie, I don't think things are going to turn around there for you! Please, I know you love him, but please, love yourself even more and take care of you! He obviously isn't taking care of you at all, other than keeping a roof over your head, that he has already threatened to take away from you. Like I said, if you need ANYTHING PM me!!!! :hug: :hug: :hug:

So I will try to explain what all happened last night but I am feeling pretty drained this morning so it may come out as senseless babbling.

It started with me having to bring up about him wanting to send me back to Tennessee. To a situation where I was completely miserable and wanted to die everyday. A place where he and I would most likely have no contact. I told him when you love someone, you don't ship them off at the first sign of financial trouble. You cut back on something or cut out something that is not necessary like his smoking. Anyway, this went into me yelling about how I have lost weight, and quit smoking and all that to save him money and how I have offered to work and he says no which he responds with "For the first 8 months you were here, I couldn't even mention the word job without you freaking out." Which is not entirely true but yeah, I was still having more problems with myself because of my weight but he had never once told me to get or job nor did I ever say I wouldn't work. So I countered that argument with the fact that if he says he will not take me to a job now or let me use his car then it is pretty sure bet he wouldn't when I first got here so he should stop trying to smash that in my face. So the argument keeps on and I mention how he never touches or kisses me and this is where he hurts my feelings cause he laughs...laughs and tells me that I don't know how to kiss. I was embarrassed and hurt so yeah I went to the bedroom crying. He came in after about 10 minutes, sat on the edge of the bed, patted my leg a couple times and sat in silence for 15 or so minutes, never once trying to comfort or apologize. Then he gets up and goes back out to the livingroom. I stayed in the bed and about a hour later, around 2am, he comes to bed but I am still crying and I tell him why and he says he is sorry he embarrassed and hurt me and he does hug me then. Well, me being the way I am, I asked him how he can always just ignore me when I am obviously hurting from things he has said and that gets the argument going again and it lasts for 2 hours. In the midst of all that, he said sending me back to Tennessee was no longer an option since I had to breakdown and cry about it the other night when he mentioned it. Then he keeps going on and on and about bills and money this and money that and yadda yadda yadda. I even mentioned about him quitting smoking again to save money and he said that his smoking only costs 120 bucks a month and my eating and electricity usage when he is at work costs more than that :o. When it was all said and done, I was the one apologizing and promising to make more changes.

Now, I can already pretty much guess what most will say. I will say that, well, firstly I come here to post as a way to vent. I do love the support and encouragement as well. Secondly, I am sure some may understand this though I don't have any rational reasoning behind it but I do love him and I already took a big leap and changed my whole life around once when I came here and until I decide it is best for me and I am able to do something different, I don't see me leaving here today or soon. I love him. I can't help it. I do. I am stupid, I know.

Hun, you're not stupid -- you're in an abusive relationship. I, and many others here, it seems, were lucky enough to get out; others never do. I hope that you will be one of the former, but you're the only one who can make that happen. With me, one day it became utterly, totally crystal clear that I had to choose between him or me, and I'm thankful to this day that some spark inside me chose me. I hope that when this day comes for you that you do the same. Remember these 20+ pages of people supporting and caring for you, and pick you.

Until then, please try to remember that you have worth -- you have value -- apart and separate from him and anything he's done/doing. If nothing else, remember that as a human being, a living creature, you have an intrinsic value that nothing you've done/haven't done/etc. can ever diminish or delete. Don't give up.

Pick you!

I'm really not going to say anything, you said you already know there is a problem, but you love him and want to stay...sooooooooo, that being said..... God be with you and I know that as time goes by you will get stronger and stronger. I stayed in a bad marriage...(BAD) for 20 years.... When you decide it's time, it's time. I should have left WAAAAAY sooner, but I had my reasons for staying, too.
I understand. :hug:

Thanks very much TheWalrus and Ryanne :hug::hug:

You're not stupid by any means. You are in a relationship that is less than ideal, but you love him, and you have been emotionally beaten down to a point where you feel like you are in the wrong, and you're not quite ready to see your own worth. You are strong, you have overcome a lot, and this too shall pass - when you are ready for it. Even though you are staying, please remember this, because it's very important: You are a beautiful person. You are strong. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and love.

If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me. I have a lot of resources at my disposal. You know that you have everyone's support, and please remember that.

Thank you :hug::hug:

THis guy must have a king kong sized.....well, you know. ;)

Sigh. I think he's telling you (very passively aggressively) that he doesn't want you around anymore, but he's too much of a punk to end the relationship and be done. Seriously, you bring up cutting down on or quitting smoking and he tells you that you cost more than cigarettes, and he's not giving them up? What does that tell you?

Stop being hurt and get angry, chickie. He's treating you like crap, and you're sitting back and apologizing for existing in his world. Learned helplessness sucks -- you deserve so much more than you are sharing with us here.

THis guy must have a king kong sized.....well, you know. ;)


if you mean ego then yes, he does.

if you mean ego then yes, he does.:rofl: yea...that's what I meant! :hug:

I'll go ahead and close this out. No sense leaving it open for me to cry and complain about something I am not ready to change yet.


Thanks again everyone. I love ya'll.

Hugs
Michelle