100 lb. Club - Do you think mate's messiness has anything to do with your weight?




Truffle
08-29-2009, 11:03 AM
To those who are married to loveable "messies", do you think their clutter and messes have anything to do with your weight?

I think it does with mine.

I function best with neatness and order, and feel overwhelmed, ANGRY, and discouraged when surrounded by a mess I didn't make.

If I lived here alone, my place would be clean and neat, and I'd have tons of time to do other things because the place would STAY clean. On the other hand, trying to keep up with my dh's messes and clutter is a frustrating, never ending battle.

I've read quite a few things that talk about how clutter can help you stay overweight, and in my experience, I can see how that's true. The negative emotions alone--and the emotional eating that results from them--are enough to keep a bunch of weight on me, especially when I get angry about the mess/clutter, and reach for snacks to calm down.

Anybody else have any experiences with this sort of thing?


TaraLee
08-29-2009, 11:15 AM
YES!! OMG, YES!! My DH could care less weither the house were clean or dirty. He leaves dishes, dirty laundry and random crap just scattered about.
I was spending GIGANTIC quantities of time trying to keep the house picked up and between him and two children (ages 4 and 18mos.) it was near impossible. Now I take Sundays, clean from top to bottom and spend the rest of the week just trying to contain the mess.
Prime example of my anxiety, like you were talking about, yesterday, DH said he'd do the whole days dishes...well, his version is to let them pile and pile and pile and do them at night. I do them after the meals, for one, it keeps it neat, my cooking stuff is clean and available and I don't have an hours worth of dishes staring me in the face at night. I went to start dinner last night and finally couldn't take it anymore...I ended up doing them. I always risk the chance with him that he'll "forget" and I'll end up having to clean them all at once!! No ty!
And I've noticed my moods/attitudes are heavly influenced by the state of my home. If its clean, straightened up and least functionally organized, I find it so much easier to be motivated, focused and on track, especially with my diet!

JayEll
08-29-2009, 11:20 AM
Those guys? They will keep doing it as long as you let them. Need to have a serious, nonblaming talk with them.

I think that clutter does add to the sense of overwhelm--and it could become a detriment to losing weight. But, if it's not your clutter, what are you going to do about it? You can't say, "You are making me fat!" That just doesn't work.

So, you may have to deal with your own weight loss program while you have some useful discussions with your partner about the clutter and how to minimize it. For example, you could both agree on some rooms where clutter is not allowed--say, the living room and the kitchen. And have your partner agree that dirty dishes don't just get dumped in the sink--they get put in the dishwater. In other parts of the house, say, in the guy's den, he can do whatever he likes. Oh, and you don't clean in there, btw...

Jay


rockinrobin
08-29-2009, 11:45 AM
To those who are married to loveable "messies", do you think their clutter and messes have anything to do with your weight?

I think it does with mine.

I function best with neatness and order, and feel overwhelmed, ANGRY, and discouraged when surrounded by a mess I didn't make.

If I lived here alone, my place would be clean and neat, and I'd have tons of time to do other things because the place would STAY clean. On the other hand, trying to keep up with my dh's messes and clutter is a frustrating, never ending battle.

I've read quite a few things that talk about how clutter can help you stay overweight, and in my experience, I can see how that's true. The negative emotions alone--and the emotional eating that results from them--are enough to keep a bunch of weight on me, especially when I get angry about the mess/clutter, and reach for snacks to calm down.

Anybody else have any experiences with this sort of thing?

Forgive me here, but honestly this sounds like an excuse to me. Your health, your weight is one thing and you can't wait for a time when everything is all hunky dory to tackle it. Because there will never be a time when there's not something going on.

I understand your frustration at his dis-orderly ways, the stress it brings on, the time it consumes - but come now....

Instead of reaching for a snack to calm down, well there's lots of other things to do to calm oneself down. Walk, read, journal, straighten up, laundry, a puzzle, a bath. And besides snacking CAUSES waaaaay more stress then it relieves.

As for time, well that will never, ever fall into your lap. You've got to carve out the time to focus on your health, your weight. Things that are majorly important, like your health - we've got to MAKE the time.

But yes, have a talk with him. Tell him that this MATTERS to you. A LOT. But in the meantime, work on being the best you that you can be. Don't put it off. Be brutally honest with yourself, accepting no excuses, reasons or obstacles. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. :hug:

Trazey34
08-29-2009, 12:01 PM
OK you're probably going to punch me in the face for saying this, but I wish we had more mess to clean up LOL I looveeee to clean and I think of it as a mild form of exercise (kinda) and when it's grey and rainy like today, I go mental and pull up all the area rugs and beat the heck out of them outside, wash the baseboards and tops of the doors, move the fridge and stove hahah I guess I'm a believer in the "idle hands are the (snacking) devil's playground" If I have housework to do I don't have time to munch! I'm lucky DH will move the heavy stuff for me. But he was in the Navy when he was very young and learned how to keep his areas ship-shape, so he's pretty neat. He doesn't know how to "clean" but he can be tidy. Go ahead, punch me in the face now LOL

lottie63
08-29-2009, 12:06 PM
I agree with RR, it's like my friend who keeps saying he will quit smoking when he's done with this or that or he just can't right now it's too stressful. There will always be SOMETHING stressful. So best to tackle the weight stuff with the stressors, this way it teaches you how to stay On Plan during difficult times. things will never be simple. ;) Might as well get used to it now.

JulieJ08
08-29-2009, 12:14 PM
I think being in a situation in which you feel mistreated and taken advantage of, and that you feel you can't do anything about, and he doesn't care - I think *that* messes with your weight loss. What is health and weight loss if not treating yourself right?

Onederchic
08-29-2009, 12:22 PM
Forgive me here, but honestly this sounds like an excuse to me. Your health, your weight is one thing and you can't wait for a time when everything is all hunky dory to tackle it. Because there will never be a time when there's not something going on.

I understand your frustration at his dis-orderly ways, the stress it brings on, the time it consumes - but come now....

Instead of reaching for a snack to calm down, well there's lots of other things to do to calm oneself down. Walk, read, journal, straighten up, laundry, a puzzle, a bath. And besides snacking CAUSES waaaaay more stress then it relieves.

As for time, well that will never, ever fall into your lap. You've got to carve out the time to focus on your health, your weight. Things that are majorly important, like your health - we've got to MAKE the time.

But yes, have a talk with him. Tell him that this MATTERS to you. A LOT. But in the meantime, work on being the best you that you can be. Don't put it off. Be brutally honest with yourself, accepting no excuses, reasons or obstacles. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. :hug:

Definitely agree with this.

:hug:

cfmama
08-29-2009, 12:23 PM
Well... if I let the clutter and mess on a DAILY basis here get to me then I'd be a ton. or two. I have three kids, a daycare, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 Guinea pigs and 2 fish. My husband is messy and cluttery. The kids are... kids.

I can't let the mess GET to me. I clean each and every day (it's exercise!) and keep that part of my life TOTALLY SEPARATE from my weight. If I reached for food every time that the mess overwhelmed me... it would be a bad thing.

Truffle
08-29-2009, 12:43 PM
OK you're probably going to punch me in the face for saying this, but I wish we had more mess to clean up LOL I looveeee to clean and I think of it as a mild form of exercise (kinda) and when it's grey and rainy like today, I go mental and pull up all the area rugs and beat the heck out of them outside, wash the baseboards and tops of the doors, move the fridge and stove hahah I guess I'm a believer in the "idle hands are the (snacking) devil's playground" If I have housework to do I don't have time to munch! I'm lucky DH will move the heavy stuff for me. But he was in the Navy when he was very young and learned how to keep his areas ship-shape, so he's pretty neat. He doesn't know how to "clean" but he can be tidy. Go ahead, punch me in the face now LOL

Trazey, I actually very much agree with you. I like to clean and organize too--and I was just thinking yesterday that when I lose a little weight, it'll be even EASIER because I'll be able to get into spaces that are hard to get into now, like when reaching behind the toilet to clean the floor there, etc. Years ago I read an article about a woman who lost a bunch of weight ONLY by doing vigorous housework as her exercise. I also think you're correct in thinking that cleaning something is a good way to distract ourselves from reaching for food we might not need at the moment.

I think being in a situation in which you feel mistreated and taken advantage of, and that you feel you can't do anything about, and he doesn't care - I think *that* messes with your weight loss. What is health and weight loss if not treating yourself right?

Julie, you explained it EXACTLY. This is an ongoing issue with us. Over the years I've learned to pretty much take it in stride and not let it get to me, but every once in awhile, maybe when I'm exhausted, not feeling well, or maybe just having a crabby day--it DOES bother me, a LOT.

To those who feel this is an "excuse"--maybe I didn't write it clearly enough. I don't think my dh's messes or clutter is the only reason I got fat, or stay fat, but it definitely contributes to the problem. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced similar things, and what they did to overcome the problem and keep on losing.

TaraLee
08-29-2009, 12:48 PM
I agree with the other ladies about it not being an excuse for poor weight/health managment but my point was I could see why it would be overwhelming to deal with, especially if your just starting your weight loss and are already overwhelmed. Our brains are only wired to deal with so much before we start shutting down...so the important thing, like I hope I was implying on the last post, was that we deal with it ASAP if it becomes that kind of problem.
Julie hit the nail directly on the head. I did (sometimes still do) feel taken advantage of, but its not like I can just NOT clean the mess; if I didn't it'd become unbareable in this house. I started cleaning it, daily, everyday and I started making some simple requests for him...put the clothes in the basket, or they won't get washed. I find his junk left out, there's a good chance something he might not want thrown away may end up getting thrown away. Its happened a couple times with some demo games and magazines...he doesn't keep those strewn about anymore!
My DH is an aweful clutter bug and pack rat extrodanair!! None the less on my super cleaning day he helps out now...he becoms the sole caretaker of the kids so I can clean uninterupted. Last week he even cleaned the extra bathroom for me too; well, in his man cleaning way!
And its great advice to have designated clutter areas. His office is his. I sweep/mop it maybe once a month but the clutter, dust and anything else, is all HIS!! And the kids rooms. We (the kids and I) pick it up maybe 3 times a week (they for the most part put their toys back in the toy boxes); this way it stays picked up but doesn't become someplace they can't enjoy or play in.
Trust me...if I can overcome a deterant, anyone can!!

beerab
08-29-2009, 01:11 PM
I think if you are an emotional eater and feel upset it can affect you- but it's one of those things where you have to treat the reason WHY you are over-eating.

You have to either learn to let go of the messes or speak to your SO and tell them the messes really bother you- and just ask them to please pick up after themselves.

I had similar issues with my husband and I was like when you keep the house clean to me it's a way of showing love, and when you make messes and leave them, it makes me feel disrespected. Just as for my husband physical touch makes him feel loved, cleanliness makes me feel loved. He said he never really realized how I felt and made a great effort on his part. After that we've really had little to no issues with cleaning. I learned to relax and he's learned to be more aware of the surroundings of the house :

Funny thing was a few weeks ago he chastised ME about being messy! I was like oh how the tides have turned ;)

Lyn2007
08-29-2009, 03:07 PM
I get this. It's terribly frustrating to try and clean the house when your husband leaves piles and piles and PILES of *stuff* everywhere. The dishes, I'd just do... but if he is leaving his clothes, stuff, junk, all over the house, just get a rubbermaid tub and throw it all in there and stick it on his side of the bedroom. After 3 or 4 tubs are stacked there he will get sick of rummaging through them to find his stuff, and he'll put it away himself.

(works with teens, too.)

rockinrobin
08-29-2009, 03:30 PM
Don't get me wrong, I GET that messiness and disorderliness begets more messiness and disorderliness - hence the eating is that way. The feeling of being overwhelmed in your home as well. I TOTALLY and completely agree with Julies' statement. Also the more you feel disrespected - the more you don't want to respect yourself - but really in the end it IS an excuse. I know. I've used them as excuses. Those and plenty of others! I didn't mean it as a put down. Just perhaps, maybe, maybe as a brutally honest hopefully eye-opener. :hug:

I get this. It's terribly frustrating to try and clean the house when your husband leaves piles and piles and PILES of *stuff* everywhere. The dishes, I'd just do... but if he is leaving his clothes, stuff, junk, all over the house, just get a rubbermaid tub and throw it all in there and stick it on his side of the bedroom. After 3 or 4 tubs are stacked there he will get sick of rummaging through them to find his stuff, and he'll put it away himself.

Lyn, I do this actually. I will take all of my teenagers stuff and throw it in a laundry basket plopped on her bed.

My husband, I haven't used a basket, but I pile up all of his things on his pillow where he'll HAVE to deal with it. Other times, I will just ask him to please straighten up and deal with his things. And then I'll ask him again. And again if need be. No, I don't let anyone get away with anything these days.

I happen to be VERY tidy person. It was one of the things that kept me sane when I was so overweight. I think people were always shocked to see such a neat home, they thought that my home was probably a mess since my body was. Yeah, whatever, that's another thread.

I think I may even be more tidy now. And I require it from my family now more too. But you see, having lost the weight, having DECIDED to, having DEMANDED more respect from myself, I now demand it more from others. I DEMAND that if they use a dish - they WASH a dish - immediately. DEMAND IT. DEMAND IT. DEMAND IT. And it finally got through to them. My kids don't get supper until their room is cleaned up. No mess on the floors. They can't go on the computer until their bed is made. Things like that.

Another thing. They'll be times I'm munched or in a snacky mood, though not really hungry - I turn to my tidy-ness. I find THAT to be my instant gratification. I really do love a neat home.

I know since my weight loss I've also gotten MUCH better with my paperwork and paying the bills.

Once you grab control of your eating, it really trickles down to many areas of your life. And having that control, having grasped it, is something to hold onto, treasure and derive comfort from when there are so many things (& people) in this life that we personally can't control. Who knew?

Lyn2007
08-29-2009, 03:42 PM
Very true, Robin. I've often thought that the state of my home and the state of my eating completely reflect the state of my mind.

You can literally see the chaos of my mind reflected in the chaos of my house and binge eating when I let "stuff" get to me! And, I always feel and think better once I clean up the house and the eating.

Ryanne
08-29-2009, 05:44 PM
To those who are married to loveable "messies", do you think their clutter and messes have anything to do with your weight?

I think it does with mine.

I function best with neatness and order, and feel overwhelmed, ANGRY, and discouraged when surrounded by a mess I didn't make.

If I lived here alone, my place would be clean and neat, and I'd have tons of time to do other things because the place would STAY clean. On the other hand, trying to keep up with my dh's messes and clutter is a frustrating, never ending battle.

I've read quite a few things that talk about how clutter can help you stay overweight, and in my experience, I can see how that's true. The negative emotions alone--and the emotional eating that results from them--are enough to keep a bunch of weight on me, especially when I get angry about the mess/clutter, and reach for snacks to calm down.

Anybody else have any experiences with this sort of thing?

I love to clean up my husbands messes, not to mention that of my daughter and my 4 yr. old step son. I used to get irritated like you, but now I just say, "Oh well, burning calories"...I think you just learn to enjoy those messes. My husband and I separated for a year a while back, while my place was spotless, I sure did miss him and the mess and the noise. At first I loved it, but I came to quickly hate it, and hated being alone. I will clean up those messes with a smile on my face!!!:cloud9:

Thighs Be Gone
08-29-2009, 05:54 PM
I think being in a situation in which you feel mistreated and taken advantage of, and that you feel you can't do anything about, and he doesn't care - I think *that* messes with your weight loss. What is health and weight loss if not treating yourself right?

Agreed.

Thighs Be Gone
08-29-2009, 05:55 PM
Forgive me here, but honestly this sounds like an excuse to me. Your health, your weight is one thing and you can't wait for a time when everything is all hunky dory to tackle it. Because there will never be a time when there's not something going on.

I understand your frustration at his dis-orderly ways, the stress it brings on, the time it consumes - but come now....

Instead of reaching for a snack to calm down, well there's lots of other things to do to calm oneself down. Walk, read, journal, straighten up, laundry, a puzzle, a bath. And besides snacking CAUSES waaaaay more stress then it relieves.

As for time, well that will never, ever fall into your lap. You've got to carve out the time to focus on your health, your weight. Things that are majorly important, like your health - we've got to MAKE the time.

But yes, have a talk with him. Tell him that this MATTERS to you. A LOT. But in the meantime, work on being the best you that you can be. Don't put it off. Be brutally honest with yourself, accepting no excuses, reasons or obstacles. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. :hug:

Agreed.

Thighs Be Gone
08-29-2009, 05:58 PM
Sorry to post for the 3rd time on this ladies.

I have said it probably 50 times here at 3FC and yet, I will say it AGAIN! Let nothing and no one stand in the way of your healthy weight.

If this means swiping an entire counter full of clutter into a big box in order to make yourself a healthy meal DO IT! If it means knocking over everything at the door in order for you to go out to exercise, DO IT! Make certain shelves of the fridge or pantry just your beautiful, orderly items. Lock them up if you must. Do whatever, whatever needs to be done. DO IT!