General chatter - So here's a doozie

View Full Version : So here's a doozie

08-25-2009, 02:38 PM
I was hoping I could get some advice from you guys...

There is a tight group of us... 4 friends. 3 of us are tighter than the 4th, let's call her Steph.

Steph constantly cancels/shows up late/forgets/ is overall undependable when we have gatherings or things to do together. She seems like she really doesn't put us high on her priorities, but then again she is a girl with family issues, self-esteem problems, and others, and I feel like I can't just turn my back on her. She loves us and needs us in her life, she can be thoughtful and kind.

Another, and lately the biggest issue is she is dating a new guy. A guy that she works for, bad idea. And not a great guy, but who are we to judge, right? She complains that he's controlling and jealous, but I've known the guy for years and he's never come off that way. He is just divorcing and cheated on his wife multiple times, and smokes pot, overall acts like an overall dbag. But I've known him and he's been a semi-friend to me, but now things are just changing. She plays the victim card a lot and said he's controlling and tells stories but then I hear different versions later from other people. Not bad stuff, just she exclaims him to be jealous, sometimes she'll say he doesn't want her going out with us dancing, while I hear he has no problem with her talking to guys and going out. She's cancelled on us before saying that "they have the girls" that weekend, meaning his daughters with his ex! When we've had plans for a month, she just cancels, just like that.

He obv takes priority over us, and when Steph has problems with him, when they fight or she catches him in lies she come to me, but when things are good she can't be bothered and how dare I ask or question their relationship.

Most recently, she canceled on us again saying she has something else going on in her life and she has some issues she needs to work out, and has to put something else on priority, but she wouldn't tell us what it was, what was wrong, wtf!?!

We've gone about our biz just the 3 of us... and we're just SO fed up! We sense that once she's okay, or maybe once they'll break up, she'll come back to us and want us to take her back with open arms. I can only assume this issue thing she's talking about is him, maybe he doesn't want her to hang with us again, maybe she doesnt' want to be around us because she knows we're not fans of the relationship, who knows!

So what do you do with those friends that are great loving people but aren't 100% friends with you all the time? I feel terrible "cutting" out a friend (and this is IF she even tries to reach out to us again, but her pattern is telling me yes) because aren't you supposed to be with your friends through all the good and bad? Are you supposed to turn your back on them when you're fed up with them?

Please help. Sorry so lengthy.

08-25-2009, 02:41 PM
I just feel catty if I were to say "nope, no more" to a girlfriend. I've never done that before. I mean, she's never done anything personally to hurt me, and aren't you supposed to be with friends no matter what, esp when they have issues like hers?

What do I say if/when she emails us in a month and is dying to hang out... "dying to see my girls again!"??? it will just feel fake, but as a good person, should I be there for her? Should I demand to know what was so important that she had to cut us out of her life for this "issue"?

08-25-2009, 03:52 PM
I know how you feel, this kind of thing happens in my world a lot; Many of my friends who have baggage or issues have tended to act like that. My guess would be that The guy really is being a Dbag to her (abusive etc)....but because she has her issues she wants to please him for fear of being lonely or losing the constant companionship she probably craves. I've been there. Try to detatch yourselves from her a little bit, and kinda be there for her when she needs you, but don't go all in. Take her friendship with a grain of salt but don't go away totally. I hope that helped.

08-25-2009, 04:39 PM
I think you have to either accept them as the are (with keep firm and consistent boundaries), without expectation of change, or give up the friendship. The second option seems like the obvious choice. Sometimes it's a revelation just to realize you don't have to spend time and energy on people that don't elevate your life.

But people and relationships are complicated and only you can decide what and who improves your life and what does not. Sometimes people have problems but still are important to you - you just have to realize that *you* are *choosing* to keep the friendship, and you can't change people, and if you hold her bad behavior over her head or resent her, you're just going to be unhappy. Sometimes we can disengage from the bad (without excusing it) and keep the good. Sometimes we can't.

08-25-2009, 06:38 PM
being in a bad relationship CAN make you a bad friend. my last major relationship before i met my husband was like this. i basically had to blow my friends off constantly even though i didnt want to. he was always having temper tantrums about me going out without him and it was better for me to just not go than deal with his abuse. your friend is going through a hard time right now. dealing with someone who is flaky SUCKS, but if she is a good friend of yours, hang in there. odds are that they'll break up soon, and she will really need your support then. we all go through hard times that make us less than the perfect friend. just stick it out i say.

09-01-2009, 08:47 PM
Thanks for the advice guys... Strangly enough, she just emailed this week, and is being all happy and chatty. I don't know what to do.

09-01-2009, 08:58 PM
But you expected this, right? You already know she comes and goes. Why does this change anything?

09-02-2009, 08:16 AM
I know it's tough but if you truly value your friend you will be honest with her and tell her how her behavior affects your friendship. Don't be accusatory or aggressive. Plan out what you are going to say and how you will say it in a way that is not threatening. Something like "It really hurts when you bail on us so often and it's really difficult being there for you when you're not around."

If she starts going on and on about HER life being important and how she has to deal with HER problems then you know that she is just thinking of herself and not you. In that case I would simply cut her out of my life little by little. Return emails and phone calls later than usual, be busy if she asks you out, and act a little aloof. Don't call her, don't make suggestions to go out, and after a while she'll get the hint.

But first you owe to yourself to give it a chance and talk to her about how you feel. She may come around. If she doesn't and she's still being selfish then you have to let her go. It does you no good to have negative people in your life... they are too drainining!

09-02-2009, 01:16 PM
Well this last and final time she seemed very matter-of-fact, like this is it, I'm taking a new step in reorganizing my priorities, and I'm not ready to talk about them, so please give me some time. before she would just blow us off and not return calls or be late or cancel but then come back into our lives.

This time she just emailed out of nowhere acting like all was well and she never sent that long crazy 'priorities' email! She asked a small question about when our next 5K was, then how I was doing. I was very curt and short, to the point, and that was it.

I guess maybe I should have brought it up then, but then I was thinking maybe I will if/when she tries again and really tries to hang out.

There's no way I'm letting her just act like nothing happened, like she didn't step back and was all cryptic about what her reasons were. I want to put her on the spot and make her explain.