General chatter - Curious question: choosing a mate (and your influence if you already have one!




NightengaleShane
08-21-2009, 06:15 PM
Earlier today, I had a long-winded discussion with a friend of mine about choosing a mate. She was trying to get me to date a friend of hers, who is admittedly quite hot, but does not care about his health at all. He drinks heavily, eats fast food regularly, and goes to the gym recreationally maybe twice a week to lift weights. That, unfortunately, seems to be common among most guys in my age group (20somethings).

I also went on to say I could not date a man who did not care about his physical appearance, nor could I date one who proudly rocked the beer gut (now, if he had a lil' beer gut but wanted to get RID of it, that's an entirely different story) which caused my friend to accuse me of being shallow.

This conversation caused me to think of everyone on this forum and made me wonder two things:

1. If you are single, COULD you date someone who did care to live a healthy lifestyle? Is the desire to be healthy and fit something you look for in a mate? Or do you believe other things are more important?

2. If you are coupled/married/in some sort of relationship situation, has your healthy lifestyle affected your partner's habits? If not, how do you feel about that?


Sunnigummi
08-21-2009, 06:28 PM
Those are good questions. I don't think you're being shallow (because I'd think the same), but that's my opinion. :)

To answer your questions:

A. If you are single, COULD you date someone who did care to live a healthy lifestyle? Is the desire to be healthy and fit something you look for in a mate? Or do you believe other things are more important?

When I was single and unhealthy, I DID date someone (very briefly) who was more concerned about health. He didn't comment on my weight, except for this one time and it was an offhand remark but it still hurt. Anyway, we had issues other than weight. I DO look for the desire to be fit and healthy. I think it's very, very important. Sure, they might not have medical problems now, but in the future when they're obese, the bills will get higher and higher and it will lead to problems between us. I would say the healthy lifestyle is my second priority. My first priority is our values. With my hubby, we had random conversations about children, money and career in between our convos about everything else. We had similar ideas concerning these topics, which is why I felt comfortable marrying him aside from the fact that he's my best buddy. :D

B. If you are coupled/married/in some sort of relationship situation, has your healthy lifestyle affected your partner's habits? If not, how do you feel about that?

My husband knows how to eat healthy, he has no weight issues whatsoever. Before I moved in, he was just too lazy to make his own food and cook healthy so he ate a lot of take-out. Since I moved in, I've taken over the cooking and diet, pretty much. One good thing was he loved fruits so his fruit intake has always been high. He does appreciate the healthy eating. Ironically, he pointed out that I was using too much oil while cooking. Just to prove him wrong (I thought if anything, *I* would know how much is right), I cut it down to 1/2 the amount of oil, and the dish came out the same or better so I was appropriately shamed. :p He is also my biggest supporter when it comes to working out. He was too lazy to do it before I moved in and I was too stressed/busy to do it before I moved here. Now we hold each other accountable for exercising. It's been great having a routine. ;)

That was pretty long-winded. :dizzy: Hope that helped!

MrsJerseyben
08-21-2009, 06:38 PM
My husband LOVES that I like to eat healthy and enjoys everything that I put in front of him. HOWEVER... he is about 30 pounds UNDERweight and is having trouble gaining weight. So, he tries to eat the snack foods that I consider forbidden, and that's often a point of contention in the house. Sometimes I get angry at him for being able to eat those kinds of things, even though I know it's not his fault. We've been able to compromise about food so that it's out of my sight/something that I totally do not like.

I don't think I could be married to a person who totally disregarded his health and treat myself right as well. I think I'd probably be morbidly obese.


caryesings
08-21-2009, 07:01 PM
Hmm, interesting question as I'm just dipping my toe into internet dating. Although I'd like to BE with someone fit and healthy, I skip past any profiles that seem to emphasize that phrase, as though I suspect these guys will be shallow. Will have to think about my reaction to that phrasing.

CountingDown
08-21-2009, 07:08 PM
If you are coupled/married/in some sort of relationship situation, has your healthy lifestyle affected your partner's habits? If not, how do you feel about that?

DH (of 30+ years) and I seem to lose and gain together. Over the years, when one of us has made a commitment to get healthier, the other has tagged along as a way to show support. Both of us have started the journey at one time or another. But we both realize that - to really be successful - we need to support each other.

Because both of us are getting older, we realize that it is important to both be fit, otherwise it will affect the amount and type of activities we can do when we retire - it is a quality of life issue for us.

Honestly, DH started on this journey before I did. I was ready, but I hadn't convinced myself that I could really lose 80 lbs at this age. Two months after he started, I joined in. Thankfully I've shared much of what I have learned about maintenance with him, so we are both maintaining our combined 150+ lb. loss quite easily :D

Sorry for such a long answer, to a short question.

The short answer is - while it has nothing to do with appearance, and everything to do with health and fitness and quality of life - yes, we very much affect each other!

nelie
08-21-2009, 07:16 PM
One thing I liked about my husband is that we shared a common interest in hiking. He also shared an interest in good (versus crappy) food.

I don't think I could've dated someone who didn't care about his overall health or care about being active in some capacity. I love that my husband supports my food choices and is willing to follow them and that he likes to be active and do active things.

NightengaleShane
08-21-2009, 07:44 PM
Sunnigummi and CountingDown, long answers are FINE! :)
See, Sunni, to ME, health/fitness falls under the "values" category. In my personal (probably not humble ;)) opinion, the way someone treats their body says a lot about what they value in life. Of course, I know someone can be very accomplished and successful with no body values, just like being overweight does not signify a lack of self control, but I feel that people who trash their bodies on a regular basis (regardless of weight/size/appearance) must not value the one thing they will have no matter what.

CountingDown... 150 pounds between the two of you? That is incredibly awesome! It is beautiful that your and your husband support each other like that (same with you, Nelie!) As you now know, it's never too late to start caring about your health.

My ex did not care about health or fitness AT ALL. In fact, I'd never met anyone who hated exercise so much, ate so much crap food in such large quantities, yet was naturally thin :devil: The difference in opinion on this matter (and many many others) caused us to finally break up after 3.5 years. Oh... and MrsJerseyben, having forbidden foods in the house all the time is so irksome... I hated it; I only wanted HEALTHY food in my house while I was cohabitating, but my ex insisted on having all kinds of junk... eventually, I just became desensitized. If I REALLY wanted some, I would have some and work it into my plan. :)

Onederchic
08-21-2009, 07:52 PM
As for me, I met my bf via the net almost 6 years ago. I was ashamed of how I looked and I sent him fake pics for 5 of those years. For 5 years he never knew I was morbidly obese. He is a thin guy, 170 pounds, 5'11". He does not try to eat healthy or exercise. For 5 years, I listened to him make jokes about overweight people. It was hard...very hard. We met July 21, 2008. I was at 330 pounds. He found that out the day before we met but he still came to meet me and pick me and my little doggy up and move us 1800 miles away to live with him. He has never once said anything about my weight since I have been here and for that I am thankful plus the fact that him coming to get me most likely saved my life.


So, affter that long boring story, I would answer that my eating and exercise habits have not rubbed off on him but I don't try to force anything on him as he does not on me.


Does that make sense? lol

jamiewyn
08-21-2009, 07:55 PM
Interesting question.

If I were single, of course I'd be more attracted (sight only) to men who were fit/in shape.

As for my husband. He's in pretty good shape. He is a Special Forces Soldier, so I think that has a LOT to do with keeping in shape. ;) He exercises daily and his workouts are not for the weakhearted. He has developed a *small* gut that he is worried about, but it doesn't bother me in the least.

When he is home, he eats what I prepare. He isn't picky at all. So (when he returns), I predict no problems maintaining my new cooking.

Saying all of that. I fully anticipate that his fitness level will lessen as he ages (and once he retires from the military). I will have zero problem with his "little gut" getting a little larger etc, as long as his blood pressure etc stay in the healthy ranges. My concerns about his body are only because I want the man to live to be 115! :D If he can carry an extra 30 pounds and not have it dramatically affect his health, it wouldn't bother me in the least. While I find the discipline to get out there and work out hard everyday admirable, the values that are most important to me in a mate have nothing to do with the physical body.*




*unless we're talking hot sex....but that's a given ;)

NightengaleShane
08-21-2009, 08:05 PM
:eek: WOW onederchic... wow, just wow. He said nothing about your weight and you're still with him... that's... what a man. :eek: He is a better person than I am... I'm pretty sure if I met some dude online, thought he was some hot hunk of a guy, met him in person, and found out he was morbidly obese, it'd be bye bye time. I'd use the, "Well, I'm only human" bit as an excuse, but I would feel absolutely terrible about it... then again, if I had 5 years of emotional ties, maybe it would be different -- I think you never know what you would do until you were in that situation... STILL, he must be a keeper! And look how much weight you've lost! :) He must be supportive of that, no?

TXJess
08-21-2009, 08:11 PM
1. If you are single, COULD you date someone who did care to live a healthy lifestyle? Is the desire to be healthy and fit something you look for in a mate? Or do you believe other things are more important?

2. If you are coupled/married/in some sort of relationship situation, has your healthy lifestyle affected your partner's habits? If not, how do you feel about that?

2. I was overweight when I met my husband and after having our son am ... ahem... significantly overweight/obese. Since I've embarked on my journey, my husband has been amazing. He does not mind healthy food so long as it tastes good. He's not one to scoff at steamed veggies, baked fish etc. It is no insult to his manhood. :)

He has shown more of an interest in losing a bit of weight (only by eating slightly better; exercise is still a no-go).

Overall, even if my husband doesn't want to lose weight I think he has been an amazing inspiration for me. To illustrate his support and consideration: One day he had a horrible chocolate craving so he went to the store, bought a milky way and ate it outside in the car before coming in the house. He didn't even want to bring the wrapper in the house. :D

JulieJ08
08-21-2009, 08:41 PM
I don't think I could get involved with someone whose health wasn't important to them. That doesn't mean they have to live exactly like me. But it just wouldn't work with someone who hated veggies and activity. It's just compatibility.

WSChick
08-21-2009, 08:59 PM
My Husband and I are compete opposite when it comes to food and body types.

He is super skinny. And he can eat anything and everything he wants and not seem to gain a pound. Unfortunately with him eating that way it hasn't been very easy for me, because of the junk food in this house but now I'm limiting the unhealthy food that he eats in this house because all it does is hinder my progress.

Back when I was dating I would obviously have to be attracted to someone but back then I wouldn't have cared at all about what a guy did as far as work outs and food goes. But now with my new lifestyle I do care and depend on it for my success as well.

Onederchic
08-21-2009, 09:08 PM
:eek: WOW onederchic... wow, just wow. He said nothing about your weight and you're still with him... that's... what a man. :eek: He is a better person than I am... I'm pretty sure if I met some dude online, thought he was some hot hunk of a guy, met him in person, and found out he was morbidly obese, it'd be bye bye time. I'd use the, "Well, I'm only human" bit as an excuse, but I would feel absolutely terrible about it... then again, if I had 5 years of emotional ties, maybe it would be different -- I think you never know what you would do until you were in that situation... STILL, he must be a keeper! And look how much weight you've lost! :) He must be supportive of that, no?


I do consider myself very lucky :)

caliyah
08-21-2009, 09:53 PM
Hmm, interesting question as I'm just dipping my toe into internet dating. Although I'd like to BE with someone fit and healthy, I skip past any profiles that seem to emphasize that phrase, as though I suspect these guys will be shallow. Will have to think about my reaction to that phrasing.

i agree, guys that are health nuts strike me as potentially shallow...= /

juliastl27
08-21-2009, 10:07 PM
2. If you are coupled/married/in some sort of relationship situation, has your healthy lifestyle affected your partner's habits? If not, how do you feel about that?



Not to be a B, but I have to sort of agree with your friend. Maybe if you're just looking for someone to casually date, go for the fit, good looking guys. If you're looking for a serious relationship, I think that eating/exercising should be pretty low on your list. You have to base your selection on personality and how well you get along, all that. What if you gain weight again? I know you're thinking now that this will never happen, but who knows what the future holds? You may have a child, or more children if you already have one, and gain 40 lb. You might get into an accident and not be able to exercise any more. This is why using physical appearance is a bad way to pick a spouse.

My husband has horrid eating habits and never exercises. He is not overweight. He IS however, supportive, kind and caring. I know that he'll love me even if I gain 500 lb. Part of his support is to not eat those tempting things around me and to constantly tell me how proud he is of my commitment. He also constantly tells me that he would love me no matter how I look, but he understands that losing weight is important to ME. People who start out whole and fit and healthy don't always remain that way! It sounds cliche but you really MUST be in love with the person on the inside.

caliyah
08-21-2009, 10:52 PM
Not to be a B, but I have to sort of agree with your friend. Maybe if you're just looking for someone to casually date, go for the fit, good looking guys. If you're looking for a serious relationship, I think that eating/exercising should be pretty low on your list. You have to base your selection on personality and how well you get along, all that. What if you gain weight again? I know you're thinking now that this will never happen, but who knows what the future holds? You may have a child, or more children if you already have one, and gain 40 lb. You might get into an accident and not be able to exercise any more. This is why using physical appearance is a bad way to pick a spouse.

My husband has horrid eating habits and never exercises. He is not overweight. He IS however, supportive, kind and caring. I know that he'll love me even if I gain 500 lb. Part of his support is to not eat those tempting things around me and to constantly tell me how proud he is of my commitment. He also constantly tells me that he would love me no matter how I look, but he understands that losing weight is important to ME. People who start out whole and fit and healthy don't always remain that way! It sounds cliche but you really MUST be in love with the person on the inside.

totally agree

NightengaleShane
08-21-2009, 11:00 PM
Ut oh...
I sure hope this won't turn into a flame war. I know it is not your intention, nor is it mine.

At the risk of sounding potentially arrogant:
I didn't say my guy had to look like he was from a Chippendale's calendar; I just said he had to care about his health! Looks are not everything, but they ARE important. I don't think I could date a super HOT guy who did not care about his health, either, because his lifestyle would not be compatible with mine. Eating healthy and working out are two huge parts of my life to the point of where I bothered to become a personal trainer and nutritional consultant.

If I gained weight because I had kids, well, look at how many people on this site have LOST their baby weight -- Aphil is one example :) She's had 3 kids and has done fabulously. If I got into an accident and could no longer exercise, I would just eat less food and make sure everything I ate was nutrient-rich, fresh/whole, and high in protein. It would be hard, but I would survive -- there are more important things in life than weight, anyway... like health, which I was mentioning before. While the terms HEALTHY and SLIM SOMETIMES go hand in hand, they are CERTAINLY not synonymous! Not everyone is meant to be slim or muscular, but everyone can be healthy... BUT anyone who is proud of his alcohol-induced central obesity (aka beer gut) usually is not someone who cares about his health and well-being.

If I LOVED someone, of course I would LOVE him even IF he gained lots of weight, but I would be concerned about his health if he became morbidly obese. If he really did gain 500 pounds, all that weight would be very physically taxing on his organs and he would no longer be able to walk! ;)

stargzr
08-21-2009, 11:05 PM
--If you are coupled/married/in some sort of relationship situation, has your healthy lifestyle affected your partner's habits? If not, how do you feel about that? --My husband is very into weight lifting. He has been since we started dating. When we first got together, I was thin. I gained quite quickly by taking on some of his eating habits but not ever having been a gym bunny I didn't realize I should be working out too. We've been together almost 5 years and he's rubbed off on me a lot. I've decided that once I get down to goal I am going to start weight lifting to have a really nice sculpted body. I'll admit that some of my habits rubbed off on him too, but in a good way. He used to go to the gym 7 days a week and now goes 5 so we can spend the weekend together. We do workout together on the weekend tho, just outside the gym. ;) Oh, from the healthy aspect I have influenced him more. While he's always been into weight lifting/body building he was eating a bit (what I would call) unhealthy. He would have his healthy foods, but not many veggies or fruits. I am a HUGE fruit fan, I really swear I could be a fruitarian and eat nothing but fruit! I really love it! He's gotten better at eating healthier and I'm taking better care of my body. So I think it's gone both ways. :)

CountingDown
08-21-2009, 11:27 PM
Shane, I know where you are coming from. Your concern is not a physical appearance one, it is regarding what values a person holds, and do they value the same things that you do.

Weight/fitness have become a quality-of-life issue for DH and me. While we do/will unconditionally love each other REGARDLESS of our size/shape, losing weight and exercising was a gift we could give each other. By valuing our health and fitness, we are saying that we are making a commitment to being together, enjoying life to its fullest, and not ending our time together prematurely because of weight-related illnesses.

Both of us have always been very healthy. Yet, once you reach 50 - those little issues like extra lbs. start to creep in. Pre-diabetes, inability to keep up with our kids, lack of energy to participate in physical activities - all start to come into play.

So - is it important to find a partner that holds the same values? Yes.
Is it shallow that one of those values is weight-related? Not necessarily.

I would love to live to 100+, with my spouse by my side - still enjoying life to its fullest. Do I think that we need to maintain a certain level of health/fitness to achieve that goal?
Absolutely!

juliastl27
08-21-2009, 11:40 PM
Ut oh...
I sure hope this won't turn into a flame war. I know it is not your intention, nor is it mine.

At the risk of sounding potentially arrogant:
I didn't say my guy had to look like he was from a Chippendale's calendar; I just said he had to care about his health! Looks are not everything, but they ARE important. I don't think I could date a super HOT guy who did not care about his health, either, because his lifestyle would not be compatible with mine. Eating healthy and working out are two huge parts of my life to the point of where I bothered to become a personal trainer and nutritional consultant.

If I gained weight because I had kids, well, look at how many people on this site have LOST their baby weight -- Aphil is one example :) She's had 3 kids and has done fabulously. If I got into an accident and could no longer exercise, I would just eat less food and make sure everything I ate was nutrient-rich, fresh/whole, and high in protein. It would be hard, but I would survive -- there are more important things in life than weight, anyway... like health, which I was mentioning before. While the terms HEALTHY and SLIM SOMETIMES go hand in hand, they are CERTAINLY not synonymous! Not everyone is meant to be slim or muscular, but everyone can be healthy... BUT anyone who is proud of his alcohol-induced central obesity (aka beer gut) usually is not someone who cares about his health and well-being.

If I LOVED someone, of course I would LOVE him even IF he gained lots of weight, but I would be concerned about his health if he became morbidly obese. If he really did gain 500 pounds, all that weight would be very physically taxing on his organs and he would no longer be able to walk! ;)


I absolutely didn't intend it to turn into anything. You had mentioned that you couldnt date a man who didnt care about his physical appearance. That is different than not caring about your health. I'm just saying that finding someone who is kind, decent, caring, loving, supportive, attractive, and into whole foods and working out might be tough. On that list working out and healthy eating would be my least important requirement. Caring about your health is different. You can care about your health and take care of yourself without looking fit and healthy. I'm not concerned about a beer gut, I'm concerned about dating someone who drinks too much. Does that make sense?

Also, of COURSE you can lose baby weight!! I totally agree! I'm just saying that I wouldn't want my husbands attraction to me to hang on my level of fitness because a LOT can happen in thirty or forty years, the fact that I got big once before tells me that it could happen again. I'm not planning on it, and I will fight to keep this weight off forever, but you age, metabolisms slow, etc. I'm just saying I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I felt like my level of fitness or eating habits were a huge part of things, that's too much pressure for me.

These are all just my very humble opinions and you can agree or disagree. No flame wars necessary. :)

NightengaleShane
08-22-2009, 12:24 AM
Hehe, to me, disregard for one's appearance is something extreme... I probably should have clarified that ;) I don't disagree with your "very humble" opinions... actually...

Never got a haircut in 10 years? Haven't shaved in 3? Not taken a bath in a week? All bad. Basic care and grooming certainly is crucial. And yes, I have met guys who do not even do that. So to me, societally mandatory hygeine and health concern are essential.

You are right that metabolisms slow with age... and a lot of people forget to adjust their calories and exercise to compensate for that, hence part of the reason why all these people who were slim in their 20s end up being a lil' pudgy in their 40s. Also... I would want my husband to *appreciate* my love for fitness and trim, musclebound body BUT in any lasting relationship, it sure as heck shouldn't be everything -- of course. There is much more to me than "the bod"; I was just as intelligent, funny, and kind 40-50ish pounds ago ;)

juliastl27
08-22-2009, 12:39 AM
Hehe, to me, disregard for one's appearance is something extreme... I probably should have clarified that ;) I don't disagree with your "very humble" opinions... actually...

Never got a haircut in 10 years? Haven't shaved in 3? Not taken a bath in a week? All bad. Basic care and grooming certainly is crucial. And yes, I have met guys who do not even do that. So to me, societally mandatory hygeine and health concern are essential.

You are right that metabolisms slow with age... and a lot of people forget to adjust their calories and exercise to compensate for that, hence part of the reason why all these people who were slim in their 20s end up being a lil' pudgy in their 40s. Also... I would want my husband to *appreciate* my love for fitness and trim, musclebound body BUT in any lasting relationship, it sure as heck shouldn't be everything -- of course. There is much more to me than "the bod"; I was just as intelligent, funny, and kind 40-50ish pounds ago ;)

see we're on the same page, lol. i agree that if fitness is something thats important to you, you have a right to expect to be appreciated for your hard work and dedication. you just cant ever expect another person to be in sync with you 100%, and maybe the person you find wont be as dedicated as you are. thats okay tho, they'll just look up to you even more. ;)

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 12:46 AM
..... He drinks heavily, eats fast food regularly, and goes to the gym recreationally maybe twice a week to lift weights. That, unfortunately, seems to be common among most guys in my age group (20somethings)

Pretty much fits the description of all my son's and daughter's friends....more or less...

could be that 20 something thing ;)

souvenirdarling
08-22-2009, 12:56 AM
In our twenties, we assume and feel entitled to health. We don't consider those habits.

Now that I'm in a long term relationship, it's an issue, and one I kind of considered earlier. Actually, it could really become a real problem for us :(

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 01:03 AM
KIDDO ~ What you need to do is make a list of all the requirements you want in a person that you wish to share your life with.

List things such as ~ sexual preference ;) ~ looks ~ lifestyle ~ religion ~ financial status ~ activities ~ future with kids ~ etc....

then take that paper and throw it in the crapper! :)

When you meet that person you are going to know it!

You will work things out together :)

We are all shallow! Especially at 20 something!

Angie and I met through a personal Christian paper site ~ bfc...before computers ;)

She wanted a non-smoker ~ I was one

She wanted a dancer ~ I don't...or she doesn't allow me to in public ;)

She ate healthy almost always and still does ~ I was a fast fooder from divorce/single parent situation

She was interested in a guy with zero kids and a white collar job ~ I had 2 kids and a blue collar job

I wanted a woman a romantic woman ~ Not my wife!

Romantic...nah....sexual...oh yeah! ;)

I wanted a woman that would cook for me ~ I cook more than her during the year

I wanted a soft woman ~ Sexual...yes!....soft....nah ;)

Bottom line Kiddo ~ we feed off of each other and work with each other's strengths and weaknesses to make it work.

We love and adore each other!

And we knew that from the start :)

Aclai4067
08-22-2009, 01:04 AM
I think there is a happy medium for me. I previously dated a guy who never wanted to do anything active. He didn't even own running/tennis shoes, just loafers. All we did was go to the movies, go to eat, and hang out at his place. It drove me crazy! However, when guys are extremely into fitness then I get intimidated and self-concious. I guess I just like a guy who takes care of himself without being too extreme in any direction. And while your partner's habbits don't HAVE to rub off on you it is easy for them to, so it's nice for them to be at the same place your at. I don't think there is anything shallow about wanting a guy who takes care of himself. I think it's kind of instinctive really, it shows a level of ambition

Onederchic
08-22-2009, 01:09 AM
EZ!! You are the best! Thanks for your post :D

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 01:12 AM
You are welcome MEESH....love the new avatar! It is soooo you!

Onederchic
08-22-2009, 01:17 AM
Hehehe thanks :D

NightengaleShane
08-22-2009, 01:27 AM
:lol: Gary... great post! Surprisingly enough, I don't have a laundry list. I did back when I was 15, but then I grew up a little ;)

I suppose I am a rare 20-something in that I DO NOT believe I am entitled to health and therefore can treat my body like a downtown dive... or a dumpster... or other type of trash compactor. I do NOT take my health for granted because I know what it is like to be very unhealthy. I suppose living with a chronic illness tends to put that into perspective right quick. :) On the up side, I know what it is like to be INSANELY healthy, too, due to my own choices. And feeling good is something I am VERY thankful for! Every day I spend feeling good is a day to be grateful for.

I don't have many preferences... the only crucial things I can think of are honestly :p caring for one's health and body :p, being a genuine, decent, and kind person, and uh... no criminal record would be nice? : lol: I can forgive a criminal record, though! I want someone who I can accept, flaws and all, who can accept mine in return. Heh heh. I, too, believe that when I meet that person, I will eventually know it... I just hope an interest in health and well-being will be involved in that package, even if that interest is nowhere near as extreme as mine. :D

And Gary, you met Angie before computers? :eek: HOW long have ya'll been married again? Christian newspaper personals... hey, at least you had spiritual views in common...

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 01:41 AM
....

And Gary, you met Angie before computers? :eek: HOW long have ya'll been married again? Christian newspaper personals... hey, at least you had spiritual views in common...

Well not exactly before computers! But before they were in everyone's home and on-line dating. We met in person 1/6/95 ~ we married 1/6/96 we started living together 2/6/96....we lived a part from each other for about a month after we married...

we weren't sure we married the right person.

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 01:42 AM
I'm kidding of course...

I was remodeling my house at the time!

She doesn't do well with drywall dust....which I bring home daily!

NightengaleShane
08-22-2009, 01:47 AM
HAHAHA :D

Well, I'm sure you take a shower before saying hello. :) Out of curiousity, do you do building construction or what?

I do drywall at work on rare occasions. On less rare occasions, I'm yelling at someone else to do drywall, instead. ;) The company I work for isn't a building company, though -- we're maintenance and repairs. We FIX the stuff builders SCREW UP :p just kidding... :D

NightengaleShane
08-22-2009, 01:48 AM
An added thought to the topic of laundry lists:

I'm QUITE certain I do not meet anyone's laundry list. I'm a very unconventional sort!

ButterFly49
08-22-2009, 07:36 AM
He drinks heavily, ....

That's the part I would be looking at. Been there, done that, don't want to do it again.:(

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 09:22 AM
Shane, I am a drywall taper/finisher by trade. I work for a general contractor directly, sometimes we do other work....but mostly drywall for me.

We build and remodel car dealerships.

Now off to work on a Saturday....crud....

but blessed to have work in this economy!

NightengaleShane
08-22-2009, 09:34 AM
Gary, I am going to be working today, too! I'm assembling this lady's trampoline, swing set, and bar stools. It's actually more complicated than it sounds, especially the swing set, because people rarely ever safe their instructions :lol: Heck, THEY don't want to inconvenience themselves by assembling it, SO they hire us! :D

Butterfly49 - I drank heavily for awhile, too. I had a couple years of my life (ironically before I gained weight) where I had complete disregard for my body.
Now, this particular heavy drinkin' guy is actually a veteran... truly. He's been deployed several times (not in the army any more, but was for 6 years) and seen some very traumatizing things. Every time he gets drunk, he talks about the army and war. It's really quite sad. My sister is in the army... I hope she won't have to witness the things this guy did.

nelie
08-22-2009, 11:12 AM
Well I do believe you should know some things that would make or break what you want in a relationship.

What types of activities do each of you enjoy? Are either of you willing to try the activities of the other? Are you ok if your partner engages in activities without you? How much time would you ok with your partner doing activities without you?

Do you want kids? Are you open to having kids? Are you open to not having kids?

Are you willing to date someone with kids? For me, I wasn't and if someone had kids, it was a deal breaker for me. Not because I don't like kids but because I didn't want to have to deal with drama of another person being involved in our life. I had a friend who said the same thing but he fell in love with a woman with a child but the father was out of the picture entirely so it was a bit different situation.

What about smoking, drinking, etc? I wouldn't have dated a smoker either and if someone drank on a regular basis, I wouldn't have been interested either.

Work aspirations? Would you be ok with dating someone who has dreams of being an artist and may have sporadic jobs? Or do you want someone who is interested in having a career (hopefully one they enjoy)? Do you want someone who would be happy to be miserable in their job if it meant more money? Or would you want someone to be able to follow dreams/take a little risk/work for a little less money for a career they enjoy?

Religion and spiritual beliefs? Are you ok with someone having different beliefs than you? Or do you want someone who follows the same religion? What if they follow the religion but don't believe in it?

Thoughts about marriage and commitment? Would you be willing to date someone who doesn't want to get married? How about they don't want to get married but will commit themselves to you in some shape? What if they don't want either?

There are sorts of things to think about. Honestly, I was pretty open about most things and only a few things were a real deal breaker. One thing I'd say is don't settle for something you don't want but think about things you really do want and if you and your partner could achieve those things together.

BillBlueEyes
08-22-2009, 01:56 PM
My belief after 30+ years of marriage is that humor is the key; shes makes me laugh, and I, her. Perhaps it's key because shared laughs are based on shared values which is already mentioned as crucial. Not the "Two men walked into a bar ..." humor, but the guffaws from a wink and a quip at the meanderings of the world.

I wish you the best, Shane, in deciding if to date and who and why.

helwa588
08-22-2009, 02:15 PM
i do wish to marry someone who is health nut. i think if i were to be with someone who was into healthy lifestyle and staying fit that would motive me to stay on the wagon. also our kids would be influenced to stay healthy as well.

lizziep
08-22-2009, 02:22 PM
I think when you look for a long term partner you want to know will they be around for a while? If they drink heavily, don't eat right - chances are they'll be gone before you. If they can't be bothered to bathe, comb their hair, etc -imagine what living with them will be like? Do you want to commit to someone who might binge drink and become violent one day, drop dead of a heart attack at 45, or who leaves all their crap around for you to pick up after?
To me these things aren't shallow they're common sense. You can't have a list of things that make the perfect person, you'll never find them. But you can have a foundation of standards!

For me, especially on the eating whatever they want thing, I think it'd just be too tempting to eat along with them and get fatter and fatter and that would lead to depression... and then where would we be?

kiramira
08-22-2009, 02:37 PM
Bottom line -- you never what you are going to get. You may marry someone who gains 100 lbs even if they were hot and in shape when you were dating. You may marry someone who becomes inspired and loses weight and gets in shape after you get married.
EACH of these scenarios can result in marriage issues: stress over weight gain; stress over different lifestyles.
You just. don't. know.

Personally, I married my DH because he is loving and wonderful and amazing and kind. Regardless of his weight or dietary habits. He is a great guy. I'm lucky to have him, because I was the one who gained 100lbs in this marriage. I'm on the right track, but fortunate that he married me for ME and not for my dress size.

I think marriage has to be about the fundamental personality, because everything else can change. For me, while I was dating, it was ALL about the personality. Of course, there were some basic dealbreakers for me, but weight wasn't one of them. Because weight, low OR high, isn't permanent. But character IS...

Kira

Onederchic
08-22-2009, 02:55 PM
I am just glad not everyone puts weight/looks so highly or I would still be lonely and morbidly obese..or dead even, the way I was headed so I am grateful and thankful that my bf loves me for me :D

canadia
08-22-2009, 03:12 PM
For me, while I'd prefer someone who was a health nut, I don't think it would make or break our relationship. That said, I don't think I could date anyone lazy, or anyone who didn't ever want to leave the house. I have male friends who sit around on their arses all day and play video games -- I think it would drive me crazy if I was dating someone like that.

(Honestly, the real deal breaker for me is dating someone who doesn't share my values. I'm a progressive liberal and very involved in politics and human rights, and I want someone who shares these values and interests. I don't care if he's overweight/eats bad/whatever as long as he's nice, funny, open-minded, etc etc etc.)

nelie
08-22-2009, 04:40 PM
I don't think anyone here said weight was an issue but whether someone tries to take care of themselves in eating right or exercising. I mean, I was nearly 300 lbs when I started dating my husband but I had already lost 75 and I liked being active and trying to eat right.

juliastl27
08-22-2009, 04:46 PM
I am just glad not everyone puts weight/looks so highly or I would still be lonely and morbidly obese..or dead even, the way I was headed so I am grateful and thankful that my bf loves me for me :D

^this^

also, you're beautiful, dont beat yourself up!! thats sort of what i was saying, i actually know a couple who broke up because the woman gained weight. she only went up to like a 10, but she had been a 2 when they got married. he said, "i married someone in one condition, and then they changed". this is obviously an extreme case, but i couldnt take the pressure of knowing that my looks were a huge factor. ANYTHING could happen, crap i could be in a fire and get burns all over my face. looks aren't stable.

EZMONEY
08-22-2009, 06:13 PM
Gary, I am going to be working today, too! I'm assembling this lady's trampoline, swing set, and bar stools....

What? No pole? ;)....sounds like a fun house :D

Prayers for your veteran. I can't even imagine what those young boys and grown men have gone through for us. Our family has lost a young man that was very dear to us in Iraq and another one that saw some ugly action and had to kill a suicide bomber....very-very difficult for him these days. I love it when he comes to visit....but he is not the same kid....:(

Naia
08-25-2009, 08:19 PM
I agree that the person you end up with is never the person you had in your mind, but I do think you have to be truthful with yourself about what your deal breakers are. Those are different for each person, but nonetheless valid. I don't think you should beat yourself up for them -- just don't deny them :) I've been on the opposite end of denial, and I wish he'd just been truthful to himself at the beginning.

After 5 years together, my ex finally admitted he would never be happy unless I was at my goal weight and had plastic surgery. When we met I was at my high weight, but quickly losing weight. Then I plateaued at 170 for years, only to slowly creep back up to 190. This completely freaked him out.

By the end, any lapse in my drive to lose weight made him angry, and if I didn't go to the gym with him he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day. At one point he slapped a cookie from my hand when we were at a party. I had actually planned the week so that I could eat a few high calorie items at said party, but for him, just seeing me with a cookie in my hand was too much. He cared too much about what he considered a "pride in self", and to him it was a betrayal of our stated goals of health.

So, for my ex, I would say being a health nut and an exercise junky is a must! He's not going to be happy otherwise. For me, someone who will forgive my sometimes wavering will is a must :o Because I know that having someone trying to force me on a path is a sure way for me to stray from it!

In dating now, I try to be truthful with myself whether I feel like it makes me look bad, or not. I still keep a list in my head, but now it's more like... smart, nice, makes me laugh, puts up with my cats... :smug: You know, the basics!

dragonwoman64
08-29-2009, 02:32 PM
After 5 years together, my ex finally admitted he would never be happy unless I was at my goal weight and had plastic surgery. When we met I was at my high weight, but quickly losing weight. Then I plateaued at 170 for years, only to slowly creep back up to 190. This completely freaked him out.

you are gorgeous at every weight. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.