100 lb. Club - Heartache = the new diet

View Full Version : Heartache = the new diet

08-10-2009, 09:31 PM
I'm in need of some comforting.

I've been with my now ex fiance for 7 years. I thought we had a love that no one had up till July 1st where we had our first arguement and he left, packed his things up and left. But he came back after we made some comparmises. I've kept my end of the bargain but he never kept his. Well you are probably wondering what the bargain was. I have tend to rage out once in awhile, whether it's my bipolarism or my diabetes or even my diet that makes me blow up. I usually get so angry that I cannot control or contain myself, I would get mad and throw something on the ground and then leave to a different room. I never ever want to talk about things while I am mad, so I always leave and come back so we can work things out. I always apologized for my behavior but he never remebers it. So bottom line is that he have kept all of his emotions bottled up and he never talked to me about anything. So we made a deal where I need to just relax and he needs to open up to me and let me know if I'm starting "it" again. Well I've been good, I haven't had an outburst since the day he came back, but he never opened up to me. The past 2 days I've been trying to get him to talk and I guess that really pushed him over the egde. Today I asked him stuff about our relationship too and it seems like the more I try, the more I lose him. I asked him if we love each other, why can't we try to make it work? He then said we just can't make it work and he will let me know why on his work break since he had to go to work. So at 6pm on his break, he called me. He told me that he doesn't love me anymore, not like how he used to and he felt this way for months. That is why it can't work out now.

I am surprised that he fell out of love and I didn't detect a thing. All this time I've been living a dream. I thought we loved each other so much. If you've watch "The Notebook" then you would know when I say that's how I felt about our relationship, love till the end. But it's not and what is more strange that, I haven't cried or felt bad since he told me he doesn't love me anymore. I'm just gathering his stuff and washing his clothes to help him pack tonight. It's so weird. I think the past 5 weeks I knew this was going to happen and I already broke my heart weeks ago, that's why I don't feel anything right now. Or maybe I feel so sad that I am numb.

I actually lost weight today after gaining and staying on that darn plateau for so long. 3 lbs gone in one day. At least the scale is kind to me today.

At the time being, I only feel sorry for the dogs we've raised together. They love him so much, that's their daddy. =(

08-10-2009, 09:39 PM
I'm so sorry hon, I can't imagine how you feel right now but I'm sending *hugs* your way.

08-10-2009, 10:37 PM
So sorry my dear. Hang in there!!!LOVES :0

08-10-2009, 10:41 PM
Awwww.....:hug: I'm sorry. I've been through it a few times, myself. The worst was my divorce. It was so much harder with the kids involved. It's almost been 5 years since we split up. I can see now that it was for the best. I'm so much happier. I wouldn't have met my current husband or had a baby with him, if it weren't for my break up.

I know how you feel about being numb. I felt like I was in a movie or something. That it wasn't real. It hit me more later.

08-10-2009, 11:07 PM
I know that numbness well, it's what enveloped me after my marriage busted apart in its 14th year.

I'm not saying this will happen to you! of course! but, what happened to me was, I was numb. Quit being able to sleep, slept like 2-3 hours a night for 2-3 weeks. Then had a nervous breakdown. Found a shrink. Got medicated. I thought I was doing better, adjusting, but still was in a fog.

THEN I gained 100 lbs...in six months, give or take. BTW I was laid off the same week my husband demanded a divorce.

Finally got a crappy job right before the unemployment ran out...stayed there way too long, which kept me depressed. Plus the drinking and the abuse of psychotropic drugs.

I didn't start to climb out of this hole until 2007...four years of my life, totally gone. A blur.

It was a lot of reasons, but the main one was, I didn't love myself. I thought it was all my fault, that our marriage ended. After finally getting sober then doing A LOT of self-examination, I eventually realized, last year, early 2008, a lot of things I'd thought about myself my entire life (I was ugly and undeserving of happiness) were just plain wrong. And it wasn't my fault the marriage ended, it was his. We never should have gotten married to begin with...but it wasn't my fault, it was his. That helped me get into the mindset I needed to be in to start my journey to health and a healthy weight. I got a catalyst almost one year ago today from a friend. And here I am.

LOVE YOURSELF. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. And if you need help, get it, and take it seriously. We are all totally here for you.

08-10-2009, 11:17 PM
about the bipolar thing, it seems you need someone who is better able to handle 'the swings' because as much as saying "you need to relax" is helpful *rolls eyes* it's really something that requires a a lot of work on your part and a lot of understanding on his. it sounds like he wasnt' doing his share in that type of situation. but I wasn't there.

You'll find someoen better suited....honestly, I'm bipolar as well, and I have been wit my bf for 14+ years now, and he is one of those special people it takes to love us. heh, but, for awhile we shared an (irresponsible) bipolar girlfriend (we are in an open relationship and always have been) and I found out quickly that *I* am not one of those special people who can deal with us. ;) But, when you find someone, little things like throwing something on the floor won't put a dent in your relationship.

I have a gambling problem and once my bf refused to pay an overdraft fee of mine due to gambling and I put his guitar through the wall.

patience is a virtue ;) You will find someone who has plenty of it, in the mean time, take care of yourself, your symptoms, etc, dont' let this spiral you out of control. like someone said above, dont' be afraid to get help. things like this can be huge triggers for people without the added mental health issues....let alone for people like us. *hugs* you will get through this.

08-11-2009, 12:16 AM
Thank you for your encouragements and your stories. It finally hit me, my friend kept sending me sad songs and songs to be strong so I finally broke down. I know I'm still human now. I just hope I don't spiral out of control like my last break up. I did so much drugs and gained so much weight. I would wake up in random places most of the time.

It will feel empty in my room tonight. There wasn't a day in the passed 7 years that we didn't speak. Even when he left the first time, he called me the next day but I doubt he'll call this time. Silly of me but I actually have hopes that he will miss me in due time and we can pick up the pieces. But again I don't want to have that hope for it to be crushed later on.

08-11-2009, 12:27 AM
So sorry you are going through all of this. It's always hard. But I agree with the others that you will find someone who is better suited to handle you for who you are.

The first guy I dated was for a very long five years (15 to age 20). I didn't realize it until later that he was the source of a lot of my emotional problems. He wasn't even a bad guy it's just something about him made me mental. About a year later I met my husband and haven't had any real "melt downs". Not to say I don't still have my... ahem... issues, but they're far less.

I know it's a hard time but take care of yourself first and foremost and stay close to your friends here and in your life. They are there to help you with tissues, hugs and good movies (but no cookies and ice cream ;) ).


08-11-2009, 10:04 AM

It is a hard thing to go through. It's even harder when you begin to realize/think that you had been living a false life. I was with my ex for 9 years, it was a nightmare of a time (he was horribly abusive verbally, phyically and mentally), but I continued to try to make things work because I was in love with the dreams of being in love. When I realized I had been trying to live a life that wasn't real it really about killed me. Everything happens for a reason though... within 2 weeks of me finally leaving for good I started dating my now hubby... who had started asking me out 11 years before then and we have been happily married for almost 6 years now and have 4 amazing kids!

Thighs Be Gone
08-11-2009, 10:15 AM
I am so sorry for your ordeal. Big ole' hugs are coming your way. It is hard to go through this sort of thing and I don't think there is anything anyone can say to ease your pain--except to be here in support.

Try to surprise yourself with the way you handle this. See this as a building block--a step closer to your new life as a fit, single gal--ready to build the next block. If you have been emotional eater in the past, make yourself turn to something else during this time. Writing, exercising, organizing your home, etc.

We are all here for you. Just like the weight, there is probably not even one of us here that cannot identify with what you are going through.

08-11-2009, 03:19 PM
I wish I could say that he was a bad person, that he did this or that wrong or even think he cheated on me. But he's not a bad person, he took great care of me, my family and our dogs. He worked while I went to school, he doesn't mind me staying home when I got sick and I couldn't work or go to class. He was there for me and supports everything I did, he left work and held me for days when one of my dogs died. I guess the only bad thing is that he doesn't show it when he's mad or say anything. He just bottled everything up that bothered him and just exploded at the end. If he would've talked about how he feels then we could work things out. The first time he left, we weren't even arguing. It was the same, I got mad, I leave the room and come back except that time I gave him an ultimatum, I said he could talk to me or leave. He chose to leave than share his feelings. Again, we didn't argue this time, I just kept bugging him to talk to me, to tell me how he truely feels and not be so condescending and passive. And with that, it was the end. I want him to share his feelings so badly that I would do things just for him to react but he would never reacts. I guess all of those things I did bothered him too.

It was sad last night watching him pack, it was sad watching the dogs slump down and it was sad that we had the best embrace that we haven't done in a long time. And after saying he doesn't love me all day yesterday, when he left he finally said that he loved me. While holding each other, I saw him just staring up and then he was rubbing his eyes in the car. I guess this hurts him too even though he acts so cold.

08-11-2009, 03:29 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom for you so I'll just send you a much needed hug.:hug:

08-11-2009, 03:38 PM
Sometimes it just happens and it is even normal in a relationship to have feelings change but he may feel the way he feels has permanently changed and there is no way to fix it.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and cares for you. It may not seem like it now but it will get better.

08-11-2009, 03:46 PM
I know your pain. My DH did the same thing to me 3 years ago. We're still married, some days I really don't know why and some days, when he's really pissing me off, I wish we'd divorced.
I'm glad you had a good man and that he finally owned up to his feelings and that you're strong enough to know better than to stay together!
It may not feel like it now but in the long run it'll be for the best. You'll find someone amazing who loves you... and the dogs of course! For now just try to find peace sweetie and know that we are all here for you!!
:hug: :hug: :hug:

08-11-2009, 08:57 PM
I can't say I have ever experienced what you are but I wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and give yourself a big hug for me :hug:

08-12-2009, 01:30 AM
Thank you everyone. I must admit that I missed him earlier this day so I couldn't resist calling him. He kept repeating that it's over and there's nothing I could say or do to get him back. I don't know if he was trying to convince me or himself. He doesn't even know why it's over, he just told me that he can't live "here" anymore. He still doesn't want to open up to me. He's shutting his feelings for me out.

He's coming by in an hour and I wrote him a letter and made him a CD of the songs he dedicated to me, the song I sang and recorded for him years ago and also songs on how I currently feel, but I thought it over, that's not the right thing to do, he'll just get more fed up so I decided that I will not give it to him. I will keep the letter and the CD and I will write in a notebook each time I miss him. One day, when it's the right time, whether it's for rekindling our love or for my final goodbye to him, I will give him the letter, the notebook and the CD.

I still have some hope that he with time apart he will realize how much he misses me and loves me.

At this time, I'm glad I can open up to everyone here, I've opened up to my mom, to his mom (she's very very supportive) to my friends and to friends I've made over the years playing online games. lol

Without all of these support, I think I might've thought about suicide but instead, the future looks bright. If this is in fact the end for him and I, I'll remember the good times and all the love we've shared. =D

MsDiana 08
08-12-2009, 01:41 AM
I am sorry to hear that. It is never easy. It is just one of those things that you have to do your best to keep yourself together and move on with your head up. You may not feel like it right now, but everything happens for a reason. If it is meant to be, it will be. Or there is something better for you out there.
Concentrate on yourself right now.

08-12-2009, 07:54 PM
Today I found out why our relationship ended, he fell out of love with me and fell for someone else. It's his coworker, he's been helping her deal with her situations with her husband and her GF, yes, she has two people now him. He's trying to rent a place to save her from her abusive husband. He left a wonderful 7 years relationship for that drama. I no longer feel that it's my fault, it is totally his. He's such a good person that he ended up helping her so much that he was bad to me. I don't feel sad anymore but betrayed. All these months he told me he loves me but he was straying away. If he would've opened up to me, we could've saved our relationship but instead, he fell for someone else. He told me we moved in too quickly, now look at what he is doing, he's trying to be with someone who has 2 other people involved in her life. She's using him and he doesn't know it. He told me he doesn't love her and they haven't slept together but i still feel like he cheated, mentally. He basically faked our remaining months together.

On day when things don;t work out with her he will miss me and realize how much he loes me but it's alreayd too late, my heart is broke and betrayed. I would be a fool to take him back after all this.