Over the past 2-1/2 years I've lost almost 60 pounds. I'm thinner now than I have been in 14 years. I'm also more active than I've ever been, I work out almost everyday in some form.
I've been married for 8 years to a man who can only be described as a couch potato. He's got high blood pressure, and needs to lose at least 50-60 pounds. He smokes at least a pack a day, and drinks way too much. Drinking is his way of dealing with stress (high stress job). It's not always an everyday thing, but I'd say at least 4 nights out of 7. Besides the high blood pressure, he's also being treated for depression/anxiety. And I think he has sleep apnea, but he won't bring it up with his doctor.
As I've lost weight, I've changed my cooking habits, so he should/could have lost some weight as time progressed, but instead, he's gained at least 20 pounds. He makes horrible lifestyle choices and I've finally come to understand that there's nothing I can do to change that. I've invited him to go walk with me. I've paid for gym memberships, I've signed him up (at his request) to use the indoor basketball court at the local college. He's done absolutely nothing. I think he got on the treadmill 3 times?
He complains all the time about how awful he feels, but he isn't actually going to do anything about it. He says he'll be dead within 12 years (he's 38).
I do all the house and yardwork, the shopping, cooking, etc. Besides working fulltime, I find time to do everything and still have enough energy to want to do things outside the house. He does nothing around the house except watch TV, and play video games. Most of the time when we make plans, they get cancelled, because "he's tired". It's to the point where I'm no longer interested in listening to him complain. I feel like our lifestyles are so different, and honestly I'm not willing to compromise on my newfound health to sit on the couch with him and vegetate.
I think the basic difference is that at 38, he feels his life is almost over, and at 38 (later this month), I feel like mine is just beginning again.
Sorry for the long ramble, I just wondered if anyone else experienced this after weight loss. I know the divorce statistics for weight loss surgery patients is high, but I wasn't sure about those who've lost without surgery.
08-04-2009, 04:56 PM
I guess it is true, you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves!
Since I've started living a healthier lifestyle, I was surprised my bf started making changes of his own even without any prodding on my part. Leading by example works?
I'm not sure how I would handle your situation, I get very frustrated when people don't realize they can always better their situation. Eternal pessimists and I do not get along lol. The sad thing is it really is all in your head, you can choose to see things in a good light and to take steps to improve your life.
08-04-2009, 04:58 PM
I'm guessing you guys have already talked about this?
I luckily haven't had too much of an issue because my husband is not overweight. BUT he does eat very badly and last weekend he bought a ton of candy and I was like really do you need all that? But I told him I am only saying it to him because I am concerned about his health- at his last appointment his cholesterol was 230 so it was kind of high...
Good luck- maybe if you keep approaching him from a place of concern something will click eventually.
08-04-2009, 05:15 PM
I would definitely talk to him but it appears that you have changed for the better (eating better, moving more) and he hasn't and you two are at different places right now.
For me, my husband is skinny and I have lost 90 lbs since we first started dating. We were in the same place when we started dating and we are in the same place now. We both want to lead active lives and when I started eating healthier, he followed me.
08-04-2009, 05:30 PM
My hubby is already fit, so I am catching up to him. Freaking men! It's so easy for them to get in shape!
I absolutely would not let him cramp your new lifestyle babe. Just like you said. You go out and do what you want to do. Sounds like you are a completely new person that you are happy with :) He needs to wake up and catch up to you, like I am tryin to catch up with my hubby!
08-04-2009, 05:33 PM
Dixie- I am tit for tat with you on this subject. Everything in grave detail is my husband to a T. I sat down and talked to him about how it bothered me, even the smaller things like me doing EVERYTHING (including the yard work, while holding a ft job) and he kept promising and promising he would work at it. After 4 months of this nonsense and him being slight begrudging to losing my weight and going to the gym so much, I had finally put my foot down and back in March, me and my husband split up. He moved out 2 months ago and amazingly, I just feel so good about the whole change (even though at times I feel guilty). My point being is, yes...I have been there. Now, I dont recommend you go and separate from your husband because obviously 8 years is a long time, but I would strongly encourage him to improve on himself, tell him its affecting your relationship and feelings towards him, otherwise you will become bitter. I did, I waited to long and became very bitter. I wish you the best of luck and congratulations on your self improvement thus far.
08-04-2009, 05:39 PM
Maybe he needs to be evaluation for depression? Sounds like "12-year" suicidal intentions.
08-04-2009, 06:19 PM
this is just my opinion, it doesnt sound like your weight loss is the issue, from what you described it just sounds you are enabling an alcoholic. . You work full time and do all the house work etc, He drinks 4 out of 7 because he is stressed, what a crock!! see i was married to a drunk just like that so ive heard all the excuses, like im stressed and you dont understand etc. so i got rid of the drunk, quit smoking and im on the way to loosing the last 10lbs, btw im happily divorced, cuz its so much better to be alone than wish you were.:carrot:
08-04-2009, 06:26 PM
It sounds like an unenjoyable position to be in -- feeling like your life is just beginning, married to a man who feels like his life is almost over. Honestly, it doesn't sound like a recipe for a satisfying marriage. Maybe marriage counseling is in order?? Although it doesn't sound like he'd be too keen on the idea... :hug:
08-04-2009, 06:35 PM
I was married to a man like that many years ago and for way too long. All he wanted to do was drink, do drugs, and play video games. I thought by staying I was doing the right thing for my daughters. One day a lightbulb went off in my head and I packed up my stuff and moved out (He wouldn't leave his precious house). Needless to say we've been divorced now for 13 years and I've been remarried to a man who actually can hold a conversation for the past 12 years. Don't waste your youth!
08-04-2009, 08:49 PM
My husband could have written your post 2 years ago. THANKFULLY he didn't give up on me.
08-04-2009, 09:59 PM
I married to the same man, well he's not overweight but he loves to sit around watch tv, play video games and be online. I would consider that he may be depressed. My husband has issues with depression and he gets in the habit of sitting and molding himself into the couch all the time. He's in counseling and on medication and he found a hobby(working on his car) All of these things help tremendously. He does still smoke and drink and lay around, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
08-04-2009, 10:50 PM
I am just at the beginning of my journey (for the millionth time, but this time I feel really great about it, unlike most other times). Hubby needs to lose 100+ pounds and is on medication for his high blood pressure and cholesterol. He sweats way more than the normal person and it makes him self-conscious. I am hoping that my good habits will begin to rub off on him. He, like me, has tried many times but for the most part just ended up on a roller coaster. He has great intentions, just needs someone to give him a push. I hope I can do that for him. And if he ends up like you describe your husband, I would hope that he would think about some counseling or something. I wouldn't let it go without a fight, but then again I wouldn't give up everything for someone who wasn't willing to give up anything for me. Good luck and hang in there! Great job on the weight loss, you are a rockstar with how much you take on!
08-04-2009, 10:51 PM
I'm so sorry sweetie, that's got to be so hard to face and deal with all the time. It does sound like depression and alcohol are wreaking havoc on your life. Depression and alcoholism are very often co-morbidities and sort of the chicken and the egg scenario. You say he is being treated for the depression. Is that just with medication or with talk therapy too? It doesn't sound like he is shooting straight with the docs but if you can get him to provide the information about the drinking to the docs, I'm sure it would influence their care. I do not think you should do it for him though. Unfortunately, the anti-depressants will remain much less effective with the alcohol usage.
I would encourage you to consider exploring al-anon. Even if the decision isn't that your husband is an alcoholic, there do seem to be some co-dependent behaviors going on that they would be able to help you address. Just because you CAN do everything for the family doesn't mean you SHOULD. I found their concepts to be really empowering in lots of ways even though the relationship that took me there is long gone. I saw lots of people there that had found ways to function brilliantly amid some pretty horrible situations going on with their loved ones.
08-05-2009, 09:00 AM
I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I have so much respect for your feelings and concerns about this. I think you've done an amazing job, not just with your own changes, but also being very honest and reflective about your relationship. :hug: Change is hard. People change and grow, relationships change and grow. You've received some very good advice....as you know, the bottom line is that you can make decisions and choices about your own behaviors, but not anyone else's. Keep seeking support during this time in your life. (ah---so some free advice did sneak in!)
08-07-2009, 04:33 AM
My hubby is supportive. As for your situation. I'm sorry to hear about how your husband isn't supportive. My mom goes through the same thing. My parents are retired, and my mom is active and outgoing. My dad is a depressed alcoholic who has often mentioned dying young. Their marriage is awful. It only gets worse as the years go by. I know what it's like to hope an alcoholic will change, but so many of them don't. I second the recommendation to go to al-anon and find support for yourself.
Just try to remember, you can change your own life, but you can't change his.
08-07-2009, 05:06 AM
guys love 2 look at their partners when they are sexy...
08-08-2009, 05:25 PM
Please do not take this as being on your husbands side, because I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be for you and you certainly should not allow him to bring you back down.
However, when you look back on your own journey I am sure there must have been times when although you wanted to lose weight, although you wanted to be healthier, you just didn't commit to the actions necessary to do it. And thinking about yourself in those years, in that frame of mind, would someone trying to force you to do something have helped? My guess is no, because most of us resist that kind of pressure.
To be honest, he sounds very deeply depressed and as a person with clinical depression for most of my life, there are times when merely getting out of bed and having a shower and dressing properly are successes for me. That may sound pathetic, but it is hard when all you really want to do is lay in bed and hope to die.
It sounds like he has no passion for his life left. What about trying to subtley bring him around with things that he would like? If he's into video games, why not buy yourself the Wii fit and play it and let him see how much fun you are having - maybe he will do it with you, because he will be enticed. What about purchasing a stationary bike for at home? I know that I have a hard time going to the gym because I feel so inadequate compared to the others there, and those are the days I use my equipment at home even if only for twenty minutes.
I would try to be creative around things he likes so it doesn't take him much initial effort, but once he sees how much fun it is he might be more inclined to be more active.
08-08-2009, 08:07 PM
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you're tried really hard to change some of your DH's habits but you know what they say about trying to change a man! It may sound harsh, but maybe he needs an ultimatum. Perhaps the threat of you leaving him will light a fire under his butt. I've been struggling with my BF because he's out of work and not doing all he can to find a job. As soon as I mentioned that I might break up with him (and it was so hard, I was crying the whole time!) he got right on it. He honestly didn't think that I would do that. Like I said, it's harsh and you may not be comfortable doing it, but it could be effective. Everyone deserves to be happy. :)
08-09-2009, 09:12 AM
First of all - congratulations to your own weight loss! You look fantastic!
Seeing how you look and feel may be enough to entice some spouses to follow suit, but you say that he suffers from depression which can sometimes be paralysing. He says he is not happy with himself which is a very important first step. At least he is not in denial. But I understand your frustration about him being "stuck" there while you have moved on so much on your own.
Don`t really feel qualified to give advice, but addressing his depression seems important in this context. It may help to reduce his drinking, increase his ability to deal with stress which will hopefully energise him to be more active and motivate him to make better choices in respect to his diet.