I was wondering if you could help me figure it out how to stop the emotional eating...
Long story short, I was living in Europe, fell in love with a man, started dating him. Three months later I had to move to the US for work, we start the long distance thing ... not easy, I constantly suffer and for low self esteem issues I just can´t believe he loves me, as he says he does. So in six months in the US, with one visit from him and two visits to Europe to spend time with him (the last one I stayed a month), I gained 15 lbs... so I came back from the last Euro trip a month and a half ago, miserable because I really wanted to stay in Europe and thinking all the usual "oh he doesn´t love me´, he doesn´t want me" but determined to no let get in the way and also as a way to improve my self esteem and feel better, I decided I would start taking care of me again... and so I did.
In a month and a half, despite all the emotional roller coaster, I took care of myself and lost 12lbs in a little over a month... I was thrilled !!:O)
Then last friday he arrived to stay visiting for a month ... he´s been very sweet, although less verbally expressive of his feelings, but me, I´m a wreck again, eating too much again, feeling horrible again, not beliving he loves me, again... and I just desperately need to find that strengh again to get back on the horse and take care of me, despite him. After all these years I just don´t know how to believe I´m actually pretty, and interesting and that a man, an attractive, inteligent man, can actually love me.
I just don´t know how... any suggestions ??
Many Many thanks !!
08-04-2009, 12:56 PM
:hug: I can hear the stress from all your ups and downs in your post.
first of all congratulations on the amazing weight loss, and on the 12 lbs, even through all the turmoil, that shows that you mostly likely do have much more of a handle on things than you might feel sometimes.
I've had these feelings too, re guys and relationships. I just wanted to suggest to keep in your mind the thought: have no fear. When you feel anxious that you're not worthy (or thin enough, or smart enough, or whatever), have no fear. Keep in your mind the things he does and says, has done and said, that unequivocally show how he feels. That is, when the illogical, self-insulting, insecure thoughts pop into your head, give yourself a reality check.
a long distance relationship can be incredibly stressful, so I want to throw this out there as well, that you can chose to be in a relationship that is more "there" for you, and less of a anxiety inducer. or maybe you negotiate the current situation to make it better.
Either way, good luck!!
08-04-2009, 01:05 PM
I agree with everything dragonwoman said. I just wanted to add that if he didn't care for you, that he wouldn't have come to see you. He's obviously very interested. Having been through long distance relationships in the past myself, I know they can be very difficult, stressful and painful. Hang in there.
08-04-2009, 01:10 PM
Our negative voices always make self-sabatoge easier. I think we do this to try to prove ourselves right.
Part of it is taking a leap of faith...it's like driving on a 2 way narrow street and expecting the drivers on the other side not to hit you. Believe what your bf is telling you. If he truly wasn't interested, he wouldn't be wasting his time. Good luck.:D
08-04-2009, 01:27 PM
He sounds great. I agree with the previous poster to take that leap. I split up with my husband about 5 years ago and was a little nervous dating again. But, I felt that finding love was so much more important that "maybe" getting hurt. I decided to plunge into it and see what happened. I didn't care that I was 200 lbs. I knew that there was someone out there that would love me for who I am. Plus, a lot of guys actually like curvy girls. Who knew!
I met my current husband and he was a long time bachelor & cute. It was hard to believe at times that he actually wanted to be with me and my two kids. It was unbelievable, but he was at a point in his life that he was ready to settle down and fell in love with me and my girls. It takes courage to take that leap and trust someone, but it is so worth it. We now have a two year old that lights up both of our lives. I'm so grateful that I took the plunge.
08-04-2009, 02:07 PM
You have to stop with the negative thoughts- anytime ones comes up say "no I'm not going to think like this."
If he didn't care about you he would never come to see you- a guy doesn't take off for a month of vacation to see someone he doesn't care about PERIOD.
I'd focus on good things and if you miss him call him! If you feel insecure call and tell him you just wanted to call cuz you missed him and wanted to hear his voice- I'm sure he'll say he misses you too :D
08-04-2009, 02:17 PM
I have been there. I listened to the voice in my head that told me such a wonderful man couldn't really love me find me attractive ...blah blah blah, instead of listening to my heart. I lost him. Don't waste one moment.
08-04-2009, 02:20 PM
I was wondering if you could help me figure it out how to stop the emotional eating...
The most important thing for me is to be aware that I'm doing it. At some point, as I'm walking into the kitchen, as I'm opening the fridge, as I'm putting that first bite into my mouth I just need to stop for a few seconds and ask myself what I'm doing. I ask myself, "Are you hungry?" and when the answer is no, I ask myself, "What am I expecting this food to do for me? How is eating right now going to fix this problem?"
Then I can acknowledge that the food's not going to fix *anything*, and try to figure out what might actually help, even if it's just taking a five minute walk to clear my head.
Sometimes, though, I realize what I'm doing but that's not enough to make me want to stop. Then I will leave the area with the food in it - go into another room, take a walk, sit in the yard, take a bath, go for a drive - anything to derail me. I find it so much easier to stop before I start.
Good luck with your guy - and try to enjoy the time you have together! Keep us posted.
08-04-2009, 03:29 PM
I agree with LisaF.
Sometimes we have to find a 'catch phrase' that works for us as individuals when we're emotional eaters. I often find that I want to eat when I'm aggravated. I say to myself, "Why would I punish my own body with unneeded food just because someone else is behaving stupidly???" or something along those lines...;)
What's your catch phrase gonna be? Find something that works for you and stops you in your tracks. Something that lifts you up and is positive, something supportive to help you.
08-04-2009, 03:45 PM
Great catch phrases, LisaF and ANewCreation!
As for taking that leap of faith, I too had (and often still have) self-esteem issues and when me and my DH were first together it took me YEARS to realize that he loves me. I used the analogy that I felt like I was out on a tree limb and hoping he didn't have a chain saw. We've been together 19 years, and he loves me as I am. I'm the luckiest woman in the world (IMHO) and he's lucky too, because I'm quite a catch! :yes:
08-04-2009, 03:53 PM
To be pretty honest, I've also been there and done that with guys. And I ended up sabatoging the relationship. It grinds on people when you constantly doubt their feelings. They are THEIR FEELINGS despite how "bizarre" we might find them. I think counceling would be the place to turn to for you. It helped me out a bunch.
My advice has nothing to do with your emotional eating but more as a pre-cursor warning. If you continue to doubt and need the constant reassurance its going to push him away. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where all they do is have to reaffirm their feelings day in and out to the other person. It makes it so neither of you are enjoying the other and the relationship.
Do the best you can to take the negative "I'm not worthy view" and switch it to a more postive one, like, "I"m the luckiest woman in the world to have someone I love, love me."
I also kinda question your trust with this man. If you trusted him, I doubt you'd have issues believing his statements of affection. I say this cause, as I said, I too have been there, done that, and for me it turned out to be a trust issue. I in general am not a trusting person. I am suspecious of alterier(sp?) motives and have poor self esteem. This I partly already knew and with counceling become better aware of and learned how to identify how that plays into my realtionships and how to move a little beyond that.
:Hugs: I hope any of the posts here have made a suggestion you find helpful... and relax and enjoy your BF's visit while you can!
08-04-2009, 04:10 PM
Thank you so much !!
You guys are absolutely right, thank you so much for the suggestions. LisaF, ANewCreation, how did you "train" yourself to actually think before eating ? I feel that´s a big part of the problem, anxiety, that pretty much makes me justo do, and not think...
DragonWoman, I have pondered several times if I shouldn´t break up. When we are apart, Í am miserable (TaraLee, here the trust thing definately comes into place, but I always think that´s a reflection of me and my low self esteem and not his behavior), but then again, how often are we in love with someone and can actually be with that person... I´m not ready to give up on us yet... and I do believe, if all else fails, it will at least be a learning journey... I´ve learned so much about me already...
And thank you guys for the suggestions about having faith... I always think of myself as a work in progress and this is something that I´m definately working on. TaraLee, I completely agree that my behaviour is driving him away, and sometimes I also wonder if part of it isn´t also fear. Drive him away is definately easier than actually believing and allowing myself to open up and try to make it work.
Thanks again ladies !! Don´t know what I´d do without you...
08-04-2009, 04:36 PM
I don't know if I'd call it training per say, I just happened to be tempted by food after a paticularly difficult day and that quote popped in my head! It's a mantra that's working for me now--I use it often somedays!!!