Lighten Up! - Church Bulletins




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SunshineCA
08-02-2009, 09:33 PM
Howdy all! :) I got this in my inbox and thought I'd share. ;)

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2008 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict..
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say '****' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is ****?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'


harrismm
08-02-2009, 09:36 PM
OK...Im finally sold on religion.THIS is my kind of church!!!LOL!

SunshineCA
08-02-2009, 09:37 PM
:lol:


newfette
08-02-2009, 09:37 PM
thanks for the giggle

SunshineCA
08-02-2009, 09:42 PM
You're welcome! ;)

Jokan
08-02-2009, 10:41 PM
So funny :)

Duchesssammi
08-04-2009, 03:03 AM
Oh gosh those were hysterical Thanks for sharing.

SunshineCA
08-08-2009, 05:31 PM
De nada! ;)

normalee
08-08-2009, 08:02 PM
These are hilarious! Thank you for sharing! :)

harrismm
08-08-2009, 08:31 PM
...made me laugh again.hee hee.

SunshineCA
08-11-2009, 03:33 AM
:lol: Glad to make ya smile or even giggle. ;)

tweetlebeetle
08-23-2009, 05:13 PM
I'm going to cut and paste these.
They made me laugh and laugh!
Do you happen to remember where you found them?

SunshineCA
08-23-2009, 05:29 PM
Someone sent them to me via e-mail. Glad you liked them. :)

SummerEveryday
09-12-2009, 12:50 AM
OMG thank you for posting this.I really needed a good laugh tonight:)

SunshineCA
09-12-2009, 01:10 AM
You're welcome. ;)