General chatter - Ex boyfriend drama- lite edition.




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Optical Goddess
07-31-2009, 02:49 PM
Mmm-kay. I'm not sure this really qualifies as 'drama' but I still need some imput...
I dated this one guy in high school. High school sweet heart and all of that. We broke up after about a year of dating. We also saw eachother briefly just after high school, then we lost touch.

Through facebook and myspace, we've gotten back in touch. Fine enough. No one's hitting on anyone else, no unprofessed love.
The complication is that I now have a cell phone. I've never had one and want to get away from my crappy housephone. He's one of the people who has my #.

Even though our conversations are mundane, it feels wierd. It feels kind of wrong.

I'm in touch with damn near all my other ex's but there's not the 'wierdness' that I have with this guy.

My husband and I are not secretive from eachother but we don't fill eachother in on every thing that goes on, I don't tell him what everyone said on myspace or whatever, just like I don't tell him the total mutinae of what goes on at work.

Part of me wants to tell him I'm in touch w/ Ed, but then he may ask why I feel the need to point this out, even though I never pointed out the other ex's I'm in touch with. This might create suspicion where there really should be none.

So:
a ) He's just an acquaintance/friend who just happenned to be an ex boyfriend. Whatever!
b) Out of respect for my husband, I will keep my communication with Ed restricted to online ( facebook, myspace) and text.
c) I just go about my business and not worry about it. If I have no ulterior motives, then I should have no guilt. I have to have a life outside of my husband.
d) cut off all communication w/ Ed,as this could only get worse.

If it was the other way around I don't know how I'd feel about it. Probably that I don't care, I just wouldn't want his communications w/ an ex girlfriend to take away from our time together. Otherwise, like on the train ride to work? Go for it...


kiahna23
07-31-2009, 02:56 PM
this is a bit much...I had the same problem...And I eventually grew fellings for my ex..It almost ruined my marriage...We have agreed to NOT have friends unless they were mutual from the opposite sex..."Open marriage" to me has always been an excuse to flirt..Maybe you still love him? Maybe you have feelings for him and thats the guilt...

Eumie
07-31-2009, 02:57 PM
If it feels weird or wrong to you then there's something fishy about how YOU'RE feeling. You need to figure out what it is. Maybe you still have a crush and feel guilty. I don't know. But you need to figure out what it is, if you can overcome it, and do what needs to be done.

I personally have a relationship with my husband in which not saying anything to him would seem suspicious, so I can't advise you on whether or not to say anything to your husband.


Thighs Be Gone
07-31-2009, 02:59 PM
I would do a cost/benefit analysis. What do you stand to gain from being in touch with him or chatting with him by phone? If your hubby was to discover this what would the cost possibly be? How do you feel about yourself continuing to pursue a relationship you are getting the "weird" vibes from?

I think God gives us a gift of intuition--especially for us women. I would say if it's feeling weird, there is probably a reason somewhere. I am feeling like the Facebook option might be a good way to go. I don't know about the text and online stuff.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You know what to do.

Optical Goddess
07-31-2009, 03:00 PM
Yeah.

This is one of the 'if you're asking me, i think you know the answer'...

OUtright: I've fallen in love twice, with Ed and with my husband, so yeah, there's feelings there....

did you tell the ex why you weren't going to talk to him, or did you just stop communicating...

I'm okay with restricting it to myspace/facebook because that's also communication everyone sees...

Thighs Be Gone
07-31-2009, 03:04 PM
OG, I also wanted to mention another thing. I can understand how reviving communication might be appealing to you right now. I remember your post a couple of days ago about feeling lonely. I SO know where you are and can SO understand in ways I am not going into here.

I am gonna take a stab in the dark here. I hope I am not out of line. My apologies ahead of time if I am.

Ultimately, if you "bandaid" your loneliness with this fella from your past you are tying up your time and energy that keep you from bringing NEW things and people into your life.

kiahna23
07-31-2009, 03:04 PM
I finally stopped talking to him VERY recently...And I still think about him almost everyday...Im trying to move on and there is a trust issue with me and my husband now...But um...if you can lose contact without your husband finding out then thats better...If you havent slep with or kissed him then try NOT to tell him...

Thighs Be Gone
07-31-2009, 03:06 PM
I would go one step further to NOT tell your hubby even if something has occurred. Issue yourself a CEASE AND DESIST order and get the heck outta dodge!

MindiV
07-31-2009, 03:13 PM
I know you don't feel a need to, but here's a question: Would you feel weird telling your husband details of your communications with the OTHER exes? And would you with this one?

My personal rule of life is that if you're doing something you DON'T want others to know about, for whatever reason, then there's something wrong with it somewhere in your subconscious. If it was a situation like all the others from your past, and you had no trouble telling your husband and being open about things, then more power to you...you're a better person than I am, being in touch with exes.

But since this one feels differently to you, and if it's not something you feel you can share, that's a major red flag. Tell the guy you can't talk to him on the phone anymore, and I'd even restrict Myspace/Facebook contact. It seems as though there are some issues there that can totally lead to problems in marriage.

Optical Goddess
07-31-2009, 03:31 PM
I am going to cut off communication, because obviously if I'm feeling wierd about it, there's a reason. He's my first true love and I probably still love him a bit, even if I don't wnt to admit it.

he lives in NC and I live in IL so we're not going to meet up at all, but I know what to do. I'm not sure if I should actually TELL HIM why I'm not going to talk to him anymore, or if I should just 'drift off'. I did tell him I wanted to make sure my husband was ok with us talking...then I realised that if I couldn't tell my husband about it then, I"M NOT COOL with us talking...
NOrmally I tell my husband all sorts of stuff, I just do...

But now I just want to know how to stop communication...

GradPhase
07-31-2009, 03:42 PM
Just drift! DRIFT!!

By telling him that you can't talk to him because you may or may not have feelings for him, which may or may not damage your relationship with your hubby ---- you may or may not plant a seed of hope in his head to fight for you and in effect open up a big emotional can of toxic worms.

It all sounds very bad and dangerous, in my opinion.

Optical Goddess
07-31-2009, 04:16 PM
Thanks everyone! I can always count on my girls to set me straight! I've deleted his info from my phone and email accounts. Any feelings I do have for him are set in the 'what ifs' of years and years ago. I also know that the reality of our relationship wsn't all that sunny. I can take any thoughts I hAVe for him and forward them to my wonderful husband.

Optical Goddess
08-01-2009, 09:54 AM
Thanks again for all your insight. I'm going to bookmark this thread and look at it any time I feel the urge to call or text him. Any satisfaction I'd get from talking to him would not make up for the problems it'd cause. While my intentions are pure, I was in love w/ him once and obviously the communications have proven to be much more emotionally wrought than they should be.

CountingDown
08-01-2009, 10:36 AM
Thanks again for all your insight. I'm going to bookmark this thread and look at it any time I feel the urge to call or text him. Any satisfaction I'd get from talking to him would not make up for the problems it'd cause. While my intentions are pure, I was in love w/ him once and obviously the communications have proven to be much more emotionally wrought than they should be.

:cp:
Good plan!

You really hit the nail on the head when you realized that it was something you could not talk to your husband about. Alarm bells should sound at that realization.

What ifs are rarely productive and can often lead you down a slippery slope, which you may not realize until it is too late.

Why not celebrate this excellent decision by doing something fun and special with your DH?
Spice up your life in a productive and fun way. ;)

bargoo
08-01-2009, 11:20 AM
If it feels wrong it probably is.

lizziep
08-01-2009, 01:42 PM
i went through this with an ex. for me communication was a positive thing, at first. i was finally able to close that chapter of my life, feel like not being with him was a good thing, etc... but then after a while it just felt like i was reopening a wound over and over... i sort of just... stopped responding to him, emailing him, etc and let it fade. he didn't pursue it so it was easy for me.

but i did have the same weird feelings, sort of like guilty even though i wasn't really doing anything wrong. like maybe just the potential for it was enough to give me that gut feeling that i shouldn't be talking to him.

kiahna23
08-03-2009, 04:18 AM
you go girl! lol...You are strong...Good job