Weight Loss Support - Feel Like giving up....




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jendiet
07-29-2009, 04:40 PM
Ok, I try to be a strong person. I am most of the time. but TODAY...I am just spent.

My SO basically was telling me last night while drunk. How hot the ladies were at his new office since he got a promotion and that he was attracted to some of them and they were ogling him all day. Then he really PISSED me off when he told me he used one of our little games we play on some of them in the office. I asked him if he were given the opportunity would he take it? He said no. Well, then I refused to cuddle him. I told him "go cuddle one of the ladies at your job jerk". He then told me he might have to if I wouldn't. (Which made me feel even lower). Then he follows it up with "I have to cuddle SOMETHING." which couldn't be any worse of a thing to say to me. So I'm just a something???? He also basically told me how nice it was that "they" turned him on all day, and then he got to come home to me wanting him. He also went on and on about how this one girl has had three kids but I would never believe it because of how good she looked. He then went on and on about how he couldn't help he was so handsome, and maybe he should just get ugly. And that I was a "hated woman" at the office. He literally made me feel like I was the ugly one in the relationship and I should be glad that I had a man like him!~

I feel violated and unspecial. NOT at all attractive. This REALLY HAS ME IN A FUNK.

I don't want to exercise. I just want to cry. I want to cry, scream, and throw things...particularly his a$$ out the door. I don't even want to see his face today. Deep down I think this is a form of verbal abuse, but I don't know how to truly handle this. I am usually the one to say sorry in an argument. I love him but I don't want him treating me like garbage. Drunk or not, I should not have to put up with it.

He just tries to smooth out his bad behavior by charming me. Well, I am so hurt. I don't even want to look at him let alone let him in the house.

I know I am working to look better for ME...to make me feel better. That the weight loss is so I enjoy looking at my body in the mirror more and so I can gain more confidence. But with him talking about how attractive those ladies are...and how one had 3 kids and you would never know it. Insert the obvious I had one and I'm fairly chubby! And how the **** am I supposed to feel???? I want to try harder to spite him, but I know that's the wrong motive so NOW i JUST FEEL BAD and depressed. I am already insecure as it is.


lottie63
07-29-2009, 05:07 PM
Hmmm.

He sounds like a jerk! I'm sure that he has good qualities or you wouldn't be with him, and we are only hearing about the one A-hole move he made while drunk but still....That is really mean. :(

I hope you feel better, for you, and ****, it's ok in my book to try harder to spite him, get to where you want to be and lose him maybe? ;) Tell him you couldn't help it that you are so smokin' hott and someone better came along, sorry bub! ;)

hehe, revenge fantasies are fun! ;)

On a more serious note, men can be total effing pigs, and I hope that you two sit down and talk about how he made you feel when he's good and sober.

*hugs*

kiramira
07-29-2009, 05:11 PM
Hon, these are 2 different issues, and you gotta learn to separate them. Cause it is EASY for those in our lives who KNOW what our buttons are to PUSH them and get this result.

You are losing weight for YOU, for your HEALTH, and for your FUTURE with your kid(s).

Your SO was drunk, and a mean one at that. He said lots of stuff that makes you feel like crap. And you may have to decide about the future of your relationship, because if memory serves correct, you've had issues with your SO before. This MAY be a relationship that you might want to reevaluate. Especially if alcohol may be an unresolved issue, here. Because it seems to me that you are WORTH a relationship in which your SO makes you feel like a million bucks, regardless of the number on the scale and regardless of the alleged hotties at his workplace.

The WORST thing you can to is take your well-deserved anger and hurt out on YOURSELF and EAT. Because we both know THAT would be self-destructive. And your issue is with HIM, so why destroy YOURSELF...

Step back, breathe, and really evaluate IF you want this relationship in this form in your life. Then wait til SO sobers up, and deal with the problem.

You'll get through this, and I'm pretty sure you'll stay pretty much on your path...but this sure isn't fun. So sorry to hear this...

:hug:

Kira


aneleh
07-29-2009, 05:23 PM
Being drunk is NO excuse for putting down your SO! In my experience, it just makes people say what they're really thinking.

HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU! :hug:

My advice is get your workout gear on and get your frustration out, it will REALLY help, even if you don't feel like doing it right now.

Onederchic
07-29-2009, 05:27 PM
Being drunk is NO excuse for putting down your SO! In my experience, it just makes people say what they're really thinking.

HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU! :hug:

My advice is get your workout gear on and get your frustration out, it will REALLY help, even if you don't feel like doing it right now.

You took the words right out of my mind.

Jennifer, you are such a better person than this and a stronger person. Please don't let him keep you from succeeding at your goals or anything else in your life. You're in my prayers :hug:

ernurse
07-29-2009, 05:38 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
Remember, this is not about "the ladies in the office," and not about the drunk SO.........feeling good, looking good, is all about you. You're life is all about you........You are important and beautiful. Please, do what you have to do to make this relationship good for you ( work it out or kick it out) and remember you are awsome. Just a side note, in my long distant past, my ex was kinda like yours, but most of the time and sober, well, not drunk, but high.....I used to start cleaning and not stop until the anger, saddness, resentment, and frustration simmered down. smile...:^:

Jacquie668
07-29-2009, 05:50 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug:

I think we all wish we could give you a big supportive hug.

You're a special woman, sweet, kind, confident, and beautiful! I agree, you rock, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. We are just telling you the truth.

Mrs Snark
07-29-2009, 06:13 PM
Frankly, I'd drop that jerk like a hot potato. I have a zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. I have certainly never in my life been cruel to the one I love like that and I wouldn't accept it for one minute.

He may think he's so "hot" on the outside but he sounds ugly on the inside.

Let me tell you, there are men out there in the world who wouldn't DREAM of treating a woman like this, my husband is one of them. Don't settle for a cretin like this.

*stomps away completely pissed off*

p7eggyc
07-29-2009, 06:24 PM
Wow, I agree this is abuse. He behaved like a jerk.

That being said, I want to focus on the idea that you would 'give up' and encourage you to look hard and long at that. This is a good wake-up call to examine why you are doing what you are doing. I think most of us want to look better but you obviously are having feelings around 'looking better for him' vs. 'looking better for yourself' and that's probably not a sustainable thing. Just like you have figured out what you can and can't eat, there are other components of weight loss that are the way we think and talk about it that are also not sustainable.

I would encourage you to maybe sit down and make a list of the reasons to do this that have nothing to do with bozo brains the rude drunk. I haven't read her books but I know this is a major focus of the Judith Beck books and she has people actually make note cards they can carry around to remind them WHY they are doing this. You might opt for this.

I will also throw out there that while you cannot control bozo brains the rude drunk's (I like that..sort of rolls off the tongue...LOL...hope you feel like lightening the mood a bit) behavior, you can indeed control yours. If you decide to remain in the relationship, I would encourage you to learn about loving detachment and look at the skills you would need to develop to WALK AWAY from this situation the next time. Take the kid (even if they're asleep) and drive away. No one needs to engage in this crap with a drunk man. It's futile and unhealthy. Find a safe haven or create one in a hotel room but don't stick around and play this game ever again. You deserve better and you can demand better. Big hugs!

Peg

PS) I wouldn't worry about your regular workout today but I would consider a nice walk if you can make it happen. Particularly if you were able to time it leaving shortly before he arrives so he can experience a nice empty house for a while tonight. The message will be lost on him but you'll know and you'll probably get a little mental boost from getting out of the house for a bit.

EveLHaelf
07-29-2009, 06:35 PM
:hug: SWEETIE! These ladies got it right: HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. You need to surround yourself with supportive people who inspire you and make you feel like the special, beautiful woman that you are; NOT people like that who make you feel TERRIBLE. Just like you cleaned out your kitchen and pantry when you decided to commit to a healthy lifestyle, so you must clean out your 'social' pantry as well! I know all too well how much words can sting, especially when they come from a loved one. I mean, I'm not a guy so I don't really know how they think but....I'm sure all men have those moments of thinking 'ooh she's a cutie' etc. etc. even when they are in relationships but you certainly don't SAY things like that to the person you are with! ARGH! MEN! :bomb:

I wish I could tell you what was goin on in his head about that crap but I can't! I can only let you know that I've been there before.

And you are absolutely without a doubt, NOT the ugly one in the relationship! You are amazing for everything you've done and all the weight you have lost so far. Just think of all the advances from other guys you will get when you reach your goal ;)

YOU CAN DO THIS! Go for a jog or go beat up a punching bag at the gym. Your body has a lot of pent up anger and other negative feelings that need to come out! Go sweat it out, baby! I'm rootin' for ya.

STAY STRONG! :hug:

beerab
07-29-2009, 06:41 PM
Kick his butt out girl- my husband has never said a word to me- in fact one time when he admitted he thought Jessica Alba was cute (I don't care about celebrity crushes we each have our own) he then said "she reminds me of you" I was like omg liar but nice try! lol.

Your SO shouldn't be someone who brings you down- EVER.

jendiet
07-29-2009, 06:43 PM
Omg, you ladies are so right. Well, luckily for him he woke me up from a nap by kissing me while I was asleep when he got home. Yes he has excellent qualities...that I long for in a man. But sometimes I'd like to rip his tongue out. "No talkie sweetie, just look cute"

So since I am so direct. I told him I was planning on killing him when he got home. lol. He was incredulous. I told him I was just kidding about the killing part but I was super angry so I was going to slowly starve him to death (he doesn't cook much and relies on my cooking) I told him why. He said he NEVER said that part about the women at the office turning him on so he was glad he could come home to me for satisfaction. He said that HE WOULD NEVER say that and expect to live. And the fact that he was standing there talking to me was proof he didn't say that.

Which is where it gets wierd, because he admits to everything else. He thinks I was dreaming the rest. I don't know. He sincerely looked troubled by that part, but admitted the rest. I have been taking Nyquil to help me sleep, but I didn't last night. He COULD have said it playing around and NOT realized I thought he was being serious!

so for now, I am thinking, WHEN and if He starts talking like that again. I will just let him talk to himself while I go somewhere more peaceful.

And believe me when I tell you I am losing weight for me! I want to be healthy. And I want to be the HOT 40 year old. So many reasons for me to get in shape now. For one it gets harder when you are older and if you do have to lose weight when you are older, the skin is not as elastic..and all of that. I want to do this NOW. SO is always telling me how hot and sexy I am...and he HAS NEVER mentioned that I needed to lose weight. He does think it is sexy of me to exercise. He's not allowed in the room when I do because he can't resist touching me. So I really have not motivation to do it for him. I had no real motivation til I came to 3FC. I wanted to lose weight, but didn't think I had it in me.

That behavior made me want to spite him by trying harder to look great. But I realized that was a bad motive and decided against it. I am so thankful for you ladies.

kellygram
07-29-2009, 06:50 PM
:hug:!!!

I'm glad you're not giving up!! You deserve to be cherished, by others & yourself! :hug: And tell your guy to zip it about the girls at work!

Slashnl
07-29-2009, 06:56 PM
Well, I'm way too late on this topic, but I was thinking that you definitely should not kick him out the door just yet. And, you did just what I was thinking you should do, tell him how you felt about it and get it out in the open. Poor man was clueless and mean, but if that isn't the standard for him, you need to let him have another chance.

But, like I said, I'm too late. You sound like you've made some great decisions and are losing weight for the right reason... YOU!

JulieJ08
07-29-2009, 07:09 PM
Yeah, that is not OK, and it doesn't just come out of nowhere. He's not good enough for anyone. And you betcha, he is expecting to be charming and it all goes away. Don't give in.

jendiet
07-29-2009, 07:12 PM
Well, he's outside doing his pennance...yard work. So I think he will be better.

harrismm
07-29-2009, 08:34 PM
Its funny how relationships are.Huh?I will say this much.I have been with my DH for 23 years(I was 16).We have had arguments, of course.We have been through a lot together.But through all that, he has never said anything to me that made me feel bad about myself like that.It is not how you treat someone you love.Maybe it is because he knows I would not put up with it.I dont know for sure.Or maybe I am luckier than I think??Take care Jen.

luvja
07-29-2009, 09:12 PM
Boys are jerks. And boys lie, oh they lie. I'm sure he is exaggerating a bit. I'd put money on it. Unless he's Brad Pitt.

jendiet
07-29-2009, 09:23 PM
luvja..lol..they LIEEEEEEEEE!

Harris, I know there are lots of men out there who would never say things like he says to me sometimes. BUT, there are lots of men out there who do not have the qualities he has. Like how he helps our elderly neighbors by caring for their lawns without being paid. Or how he drops everything to go help a stranger as a volunteer firefighter. Or how he likes to feed the neighborhood strays. Or how he pretends his name is weasel and talks in a squeaky voice and makes me laugh.HE says things that get him in trouble a lot. He does not act on any of it. It's his GOOD heart coupled with his bad boy ways that attract me to him I guess. Perfect combination of tough and sensitive.

Most of the time he is telling me how hot and sexy I am and what a great cook and good mom I am--so for the most part he makes me feel good.

kiramira
07-29-2009, 09:23 PM
Hey hon, you did amazing!

You didn't self-sabotage and take your anger out on yourself.

You let him sober up and then you confronted the problem.

And it sounds like you are evaluating your situation (we ALL do this!)..

GOOD ON YOU!!!

Kira

jendiet
07-29-2009, 09:24 PM
Thanks Kira! I needed that.

p7eggyc
07-29-2009, 09:34 PM
Glad to hear things are simmering down and really glad to hear you'll try to disengage if it happens again. I'll try not to call him names for a while. ;) You're doing great!

Peg

kuhrisuh
07-29-2009, 09:35 PM
What a jerk! Don't let him have control over your feelings like that. He should be WORKING HARD to make & KEEP you happy.. I hope everything works out and hope you get to feeling better.

XO, B

Pita09
07-29-2009, 09:40 PM
You know all relationships have their good and bad. Your SO does sound like he has some wonderful qualities, but he also has some really pathetic and immature qualities. I think people can grow-up and change their thoughtless ways, but sometimes they don't. Remember, we teach people how to treat us and sometimes we have to get tough and live our lives for ourselves.

I was married to someone who had great qualities, but constantly would verbally abuse me. I lasted 18 years and my soul was almost destroyed. I have since met a man who does nothing but lift me up and believe in me. You deserve to be treated as a precious and valuable gift. :hug:

jamiewyn
07-29-2009, 10:24 PM
I'm glad you're feeling better today and I'm proud of you that you didn't allow this episode to defeat your goals! That is awesome! WTG!~

His behavior, however, does sound like a classic verbal cycle of abuse to me, though. I think it's great that he also has so many admirable qualities, but you MUST draw the line on that behavior. Simply DO NOT ACCEPT it. Being kind to the elderly and animals is great, but YOU deserve his respect and kindness as well. A truly loving man wouldn't DENY saying hurtful things, he would own his words and show true remorse. Maybe in a day or two, you could sit down and talk with him. Discuss your health and fitness efforts and reiterate that you are trying to improve the quality of YOUR life and part of a healthy lifestyle is not allowing people to dump garbage and bad feelings upon you. If there is a *chance* he is unaware of the hurt he caused, he won't do it again. If he does.....well, then at least you KNOW.

But we all face negative events in our lives and, on the diet front, you kicked ***! :) Way to stay tough!

EZMONEY
07-29-2009, 10:40 PM
Hang in there sweetie...but if it becomes a pattern...get the heck out! Us guys can be jerks...especially when drunk...

once...forget about it...

twice...don't forget about it for a loong time...

3 times...color yourself gone!

melwolfe
07-29-2009, 10:44 PM
I'm just wondering if he's maybe starting to get a little insecure because you're getting slim, trim and hot? Maybe he's saying this sort of stuff hoping you'll stop losing weight.

I know my hubby sometimes gets a little nervous about me losing weight. I guess he thinks I'm going to lose weight and find a better model or something, please!! Like I really want to start over again at the beginning, not likely! God forbid, something ever happens to him, I will find myself a boy toy that I can use and send home when I'm done, I DO NOT want to start over!

At any rate, he may be trying to convince you that everyone wants him because he's worried that you're going to lose weight and find someone better. If not, then he really was an a** and he should really kiss yours to make up for those remarks!

JulieJ08
07-29-2009, 10:56 PM
Yeah, just remember, he owes *you* all that nice treatment before he owes it to all the neighborhood. His charity work doesn't constitute a relationship ;)

lottie63
07-29-2009, 11:42 PM
I'm just wondering if he's maybe starting to get a little insecure because you're getting slim, trim and hot? Maybe he's saying this sort of stuff hoping you'll stop losing weight.

I know my hubby sometimes gets a little nervous about me losing weight. I guess he thinks I'm going to lose weight and find a better model or something, please!! Like I really want to start over again at the beginning, not likely! God forbid, something ever happens to him, I will find myself a boy toy that I can use and send home when I'm done, I DO NOT want to start over!

At any rate, he may be trying to convince you that everyone wants him because he's worried that you're going to lose weight and find someone better. If not, then he really was an a** and he should really kiss yours to make up for those remarks!

I've been seeing a lot of women on here talk about this. That their men think they will "Get attractive" and be able to 'find someone better'.

That is kind of insulting to me. Like if my bf thought that me losing weight was the only way I could find someone better!? I mean COME ON (*Note* I can not find anyone better, after 14+ years, there just is no one better ;) ...we are just as valuable and can find any great man/woman at whatever weight, and I would be insulted if my bf thought that I was so .....unimpressive, that I had to 'settle' for him.

pffft!

drives me batty. :dizzy:

harrismm
07-29-2009, 11:49 PM
Jen-hope you are right.Heck,maybe my dh thinks those things all of the time but just knows better than to verbalize them.He is always telling people....you DO NOT want to cross my wife!!I would take his sorry *** to the cleaners..but hey we all have to set our own rules.And I do understand that.Good luck!

melwolfe
07-30-2009, 12:56 AM
Oh, don't get me wrong. My hubby has always thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but now I'm getting more looks and attention when we're out and about, plus I feel better about myself in general so I tend to pay a little more attention to how I look and dress. It's more about his insecurities rather than thinking I couldn't do better before.

He has always been a little jealous, but now he's seeing more attention being paid, more looks coming my way he's a little worse. Not obsessively so or anything nuts. I just laugh at him and go about my business. I mean really after 21 years........I tell him that yes, he's just my temporary guy until someone better comes along, which just makes him realize what an idiot he's being.

At any rate, just makes me wonder if that's not what's going on with the OP's SO. Guys have the same insecurities we all do, they just tend to show it differently. That doesn't excuse it, but it may be something to talk about.

Madison
07-30-2009, 01:04 AM
Hang in there sweetie...but if it becomes a pattern...get the heck out! Us guys can be jerks...especially when drunk...

once...forget about it...

twice...don't forget about it for a loong time...

3 times...color yourself gone!

Amen.

Tracymichelle
07-30-2009, 11:28 AM
I am so sorry that he made you feel that way:hug: That was completely uncalled for!
My husband had an affair with my best friend, or so I thought she was. He had always been a great husband and this just blindsided me. Of course I blamed it all on being overweight because who would want a fat wife huh? I did not eat hardly anything a week after I found out (on Mother's Day 2006) and lost about 11 pounds.
Anyway I made the decision to stay with him and I think that things are ok now but I have since lost 86 pounds and I am still going.
Sorry to make this about me, but I guess my point was to tell you that 90% of the time, a man straying has nothing to do with not being attracted to you but that he is getting his ego stroked by someone new. Please don't be down on yourself and let him know that you will not be treated that way, drunk or not!

Shannon in ATL
07-30-2009, 12:01 PM
Jen -

I was married to a man who sounds just like this. He drank too much, but I could never admit it. He flirted with other women but I said 'boys will be boys'. He devalued me, told me how hot he was, how other women were jealous of me, how lucky I was to have him. I'm pretty sure he cheated on me with those gorgeous women he spoke of, and I denied it. When I started to exercise while we were married he couldn't understand why I wanted to change since 'I love you just the way you are honey, and I'm a great catch everyone says so'. My entire relationship sounded like the text of your original post. He ignored me for days at a time, then was sweet and charming and I let him back in. By the time I stood up and moved out I had next to no self esteem left and could barely remember who I was. He was verbally abusive - and your SO seems to be as well.

You are beautiful and your needs are important. Sweet and charming the next day doesn't make his behavior okay. If you punch a person in the face and break there nose does saying you are sorry make it all better? Belittling you is abuse, eroding your confidence is abuse, and you don't have to live with that. Saying 'he was drunk, he didn't mean it' doesn't make it all right.

PM me if you ever want to talk.

:hug:

jendiet
07-30-2009, 12:17 PM
I'm just wondering if he's maybe starting to get a little insecure because you're getting slim, trim and hot? Maybe he's saying this sort of stuff hoping you'll stop losing weight.

I know my hubby sometimes gets a little nervous about me losing weight. I guess he thinks I'm going to lose weight and find a better model or something, please!! Like I really want to start over again at the beginning, not likely! God forbid, something ever happens to him, I will find myself a boy toy that I can use and send home when I'm done, I DO NOT want to start over!

At any rate, he may be trying to convince you that everyone wants him because he's worried that you're going to lose weight and find someone better. If not, then he really was an a** and he should really kiss yours to make up for those remarks!

Mel, it is interesting you said this. Because right before he erupted into this pathetic behavior. When he came home I was wearing outfits that REALLY show off my figure. Not real sleazy, but very noticable low cut, body skimming things. I was trying to get in some workouts. His guy friends were over. they come over quite a bit. I knew he was a little uneasy about me dressed like that, I purposely stayed out of their path. I was just working out in the house, or doing things in my room.

I have noticed whenever he sees me he almost frantically squeezes my fat rolls I have left--as if it was some assurance. He has been hurt in relationships really bad before. I would never hurt him though. But He will NOT treat me like garbage to make me feel insecure.

You have to understand this is the same man that says when I wear a full bathing suit with a skirt to hide my hips/thighs/butt. "But you're so beautiful? Why are you covering up?

Shannon in ATL
07-30-2009, 12:21 PM
Sorry, missed the last page when I started my post and I jumped right up on my soapbox crazy. :(

You sound like you are in a good place and know what you want from the relationship. Sorry I got all preachy. :)

jendiet
07-30-2009, 12:24 PM
Don't worry Shannon, I appreciate your advice, it was wholesome, and I will definitely keep an eye on THIS behavior!

beerab
07-30-2009, 12:41 PM
I hope he learns from this and realizes that what he said was hurtful- glad you talked it out.

thinpossible
07-30-2009, 01:45 PM
Your SO is behaving like an ***. This has NOTHING to do with your weight. It has to do with HIS disloyalty. Basically he's telling you that if he got the chance he would sleep with someone else. The issue is not that you're overweight and he's "handsome". It's an issue of CHARACTER, not attractiveness. I'm very overweight and I wouldn't dream of letting my husband speak to me like that, and neither would my husband.

Men are wired differently from women. I don't doubt that it's impossible for any man to be in a room full of attractive women and not think about sleeping with them. But if he's in a committed relationship he shouldn't rehearse it, and then tell you about it! He should try to nip those thoughts in the bud, IMO. If he wants to be with other women, then you should allow him that freedom by making him single.

KatieBell28
07-30-2009, 05:37 PM
Hang in there sweetie...but if it becomes a pattern...get the heck out! Us guys can be jerks...especially when drunk...

once...forget about it...

twice...don't forget about it for a loong time...

3 times...color yourself gone!

Yep yep, I agree!

I say milk it too. You can probably get more than yard work out of this! *evil giggle*

Somni
07-30-2009, 09:00 PM
I'm so glad things are improving and hope that if this crops up again, you maintain your no tolerance attitude! And it definitely sounds like his own insecurity could be rearing its ugly head to cause some of these problems.