20-Somethings - Fat Friend Syndrome (and being the DFF)

I just needed to rant.

I'm tired of being the Fat Friend! the DFF (designated fat friend) BFFF (big fat friend forever) what ever you want to call it.

I swear I have had to really reflect on some of my friendships lately because I realized just how bad they were for me --especially for my self esteem. Sometimes I feel they want to take me along shopping with them because they make me feel bad about not being able to shop in all the stores they can shop at. I just had to rant. Maybe they don't do it on purpose but most of my friends have never had a weight problem and they can't seem to understand what I'm going through. Hanging out = eating out. I've been avoiding social situations lately just to try to stay on plan. It's been really hard. I'm always the fat friend that listens to everyones problems - but now I'm sick of it! I have to live my own life.

:hug::hug::hug:

I've been their sweethart and it sucks. My best friend used to make me feel like absolute crap. Any chance she got, she took jabs at my weight. And she loved parading around in teeny tiny clothes. You don't want to close yourself off from going out and having fun, but cutting out the people in your life who make you feel any less than you are will make you feel so much better.

I so get you... The worst for me is hearing my super-skinny friends complain about how "fat" they are. Just fishing for compliments and of course all my guy friends play right into it!

So annoying.

I have a friend who is super-skinny(like a size 1 skinny) and she is constantly doing the "I'm so fat!" thing too! And then tells me I'm not fat. Then again, she has a very unhealthy relationship with guys and is one of those girls who entire sense of self-worth comes from being the hottest girl ever. She gets *very* upset if a guy doesn't think she's hot. Thus, she fishes for compliments constantly. Usually in front of me. I finally got so fed up with her complaining about her weight that I let my inner bee-otch fly and said "yeah, you've put on a few. trust me, i know". mean, yes. deserved? definitely.

I've heard stories of girl's losing weight then their friends say they aren't "fun" anymore and I'm like no they really mean to say you aren't FAT anymore!

Do what you have to do- IMO you can always make new friends- the good ones- the real ones- will stick around :)

peachy keen, i hate it when my skinny *** friends say "im fat. youre not" and im like 50 pounds more than them. its so freakin annoying, and sometimes i just want to smack them, but hey, its sad to think youre big when youre actually skinny. theyve got more issues in their head. we may be big, but at least we know were cute. lol

I don't know why i'm friends with my friend still. When she was laying pregnant in the hospital she said, "Oh i don't feel bad, I'm still skinnier then her." She was in labour. Joy.

B****. Though I take solice in the fact that she still looks a good 3 or 4 months pregnant and very flabby because she has never worked out. I weigh 178 and wear a size 10-11, she weighs 135 and wears the same size. Tiny chicken legs and arms with a big tummy, it reminds me of a frog.

Sorry had to vent a little... guess i've been holding it in for too long.

I, too, have a skinny friend who constantly discourages me from dieting while being obsessive about her own fat intake and excercise regime. I once asked her whether she wants to swap bodies, then, and she could not make eye contact.

When I lost the first few lb (not noticeable) she commented positively (have been there before and gained it back so many times). The comments have stopped now that I`m really slimming down. She des not need to say anything, I just know that she is not pleased!

I hear you girls...but another perspective is this:

My closest girl friends are all bigger than myself..before i lost weight...so as I starting losing weight I didn't feel comfortable in sharing info about how much I lost etc and they rarely even asked.....as I started to lose more and more weight..I was then labeled and the 'skinny' friend.....Yes it was great at first but after a while it kinda irritated me that thats all they seen. Finally one night in the grocery store I seen one of them and her first words were "Hey Skinny *****" I said..."Hey....god do you need to say that EVERY TIME we see one another" in a jokingly way..it got the point across!

I've had friends that have said "Gosh, I'm so fat!" when they aren't. My response is "Then what does that make me?" Most of my friends have never been anywhere near my size.

What's really super annoying is when they try to tell me that I'm not fat, like they're trying to spare my feelings or fix some twisted body issues they think I have. I'm not saying it for sympathy, for compliments, or for any reason other than it's just a fact. It's a fact that I can't shop in the same stores as they do because I'm bigger. Some of them can be just very dismissive of that kind of thing and seem to think that they're helping me feel better about myself or something.... Felt good to get that out :)

I love that reply, "you're not fat, I'm the one that's fat" uh huh.

I have a friend who is super-skinny(like a size 1 skinny) and she is constantly doing the "I'm so fat!" thing too! And then tells me I'm not fat. Then again, she has a very unhealthy relationship with guys and is one of those girls who entire sense of self-worth comes from being the hottest girl ever. She gets *very* upset if a guy doesn't think she's hot. Thus, she fishes for compliments constantly. Usually in front of me. I finally got so fed up with her complaining about her weight that I let my inner bee-otch fly and said "yeah, you've put on a few. trust me, i know". mean, yes. deserved? definitely.

I don't know. It's one thing to snap at someone for one comment. But when it's over and over, I tend to think they deserve to hear, at least, "Oh, what a bummer." In other words, agreement (but not necessarily mean). If they're fishing, and doing it repeatedly, that's BS and I don't thing anyone is obligated to play that game with them. "Oh bummer," is perfectly polite. You could make a case that disagreeing is impolite :devil: In any event, someone is unlikely to keep trying to play that game with you if you always agree with them.

It's unfortunate when "friends" are unhappy with your success... I've been pretty lucky in not having anyone be blatantly malicious towards my efforts, but... I have a really hard time talking to people about my weight loss right now, except on 3FC...

Two of my best girl friends are a fair bit bigger than me, so I worry when I talk about my successes they might take it as gloating... "look at me, I've lost weight and you haven't" type stuff. It discourages me from wanting to bring it up... if I do, they're supportive, but I feel like it's a bit reluctant.

And my mother, who is still smaller than me right now... has gained a bit of weight back, to the degree that it's JUST starting to show on her again... and she's having a hard time getting herself back on the wagon. She's SO supportive, but she'd much rather talk about our dinner's organic food content than talk about its calories and how much weight I've lost. I think it reminds her of her own weight issues.

And then my skinny friends, well... I don't feel like they really wanna hear me talk about my weight loss efforts, because they've seen me struggle and yo-yo diet, and I don't think any of them take the efforts seriously anymore. I've mentioned wanting to lose weight before, and I've fallen off the wagon and gained it all back, so now... they just kinda nod along and smile, "Oh, you've lost 8 lbs, good job. :)" and I just feel like they're thinking, "Gee, wonder how long that'll last..."
Plus, I have my own inferiority complex with skinny friends. My friend (who is now marrying my brother, so.. I guess, my future-sister-in-law) is a model, and does shoots like this (http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a187/jelbee/n120809638_40654457_2929123.jpg). Really... nothing makes you feel chubbier than hanging out with this chicky. ;)

Anyhow, we just need to learn not to let our friends get us down. And for the support we need... we have 3FC. :)

I don't know why i'm friends with my friend still. When she was laying pregnant in the hospital she said, "Oh i don't feel bad, I'm still skinnier then her." She was in labour. Joy.

B****. Though I take solice in the fact that she still looks a good 3 or 4 months pregnant and very flabby because she has never worked out. I weigh 178 and wear a size 10-11, she weighs 135 and wears the same size. Tiny chicken legs and arms with a big tummy, it reminds me of a frog.

Sorry had to vent a little... guess i've been holding it in for too long.

LOL that made me laugh- a frog that's great- I do see girls like this- very thin but for some reason a big stomach- I know they aren't pregnant either! Makes me wonder if their diet is balanced.

I've never fully understood this. I've had fat friends, and I've had skinny friends, and no one seemed to give a damn what you were. The skinny ones never commented on me being fat, and it never affected our relationship, and the fat ones never much talked about it either, except sometimes wistfully talking about dieting or joining a gym, etc., because they knew I could sympathize. But our weights have never really affected our relationships.
I DID make one friend this semester that never shut up about how fat she was though, and I do admit that was annoying (she wasn't super skinny but not majorly fat... 5'6" and 155). But she was very supportive of my own weight loss at least!

Couldn't agree more with everyone! My 2 best friends are tall and thin. I am short and fat. To be honest, I hate going out with them. I love when we do our weekly hangouts are my one bff's apt..... but then when it comes to hitting the bars on the weekend I hate it!!. I feel like sometimes they have me around to make themselves feel better.
The one girl has a boyfriend that sits at home while she goes out and gets hit on constantly. The other used to be fat when we were in high school, but has since lost a ton of weight and now overly obsesses about her looks and pouts when she doesn't get hit on one friggin' time. Me...... I've been completely single for over 5 years!!! Guess I'm ranting too....

I have always always been the DFF, but I have used to have friends that would care about that. I went through a phase and I evaluated all my friends and literally just stopped talking to the ones that were demeaning and otherwise not good people.


Side note:

When one says they are fat they sometimes can truly mean it and not mean it as fishing for compliments and etc. We as "fat" people are extremely self conscious of ourselves as a general observation. We think everyone is looking at us because we dont look normal, we think we are the only ones that is wearing the black outfit in a sea of white outfits. However, who are we as "fat people" to determine who is fat and who is not. For a 150 person to gain 15% of their body weight which is around 22-23lbs that puts them at at 172lbs and depending on height can make a major difference in clothes that they wear, the way they carry themselves their self esteem etc. Now take a 250lb person and they gain 15% of their body weight, around 37lbs is going to make the same difference to that person. It kinda bothers me and I catch myself saying the same thing to some of my friends. /rant

I have always always been the DFF, but I have used to have friends that would care about that. I went through a phase and I evaluated all my friends and literally just stopped talking to the ones that were demeaning and otherwise not good people.


Side note:

When one says they are fat they sometimes can truly mean it and not mean it as fishing for compliments and etc. We as "fat" people are extremely self conscious of ourselves as a general observation. We think everyone is looking at us because we dont look normal, we think we are the only ones that is wearing the black outfit in a sea of white outfits. However, who are we as "fat people" to determine who is fat and who is not. For a 150 person to gain 15% of their body weight which is around 22-23lbs that puts them at at 172lbs and depending on height can make a major difference in clothes that they wear, the way they carry themselves their self esteem etc. Now take a 250lb person and they gain 15% of their body weight, around 37lbs is going to make the same difference to that person. It kinda bothers me and I catch myself saying the same thing to some of my friends. /rant


I agree. I think I need to send out positive vibes ---the problem can also be me. I feel I need to drop this negative attitude, I realize everyone has their own battles and issues and I have to steer my own life and not let others opinions or attitudes impact it. At least making it through this journey will allow me to inspire others just like many others have inspired me. I think I gotta get over my identity as DFF....my self deprecating humor and always being the one to give up my priorities for others. It really is my own fault for allowing myself get comfortable/complacent in the first place to be the DFF.

:grouphug:

I'm very lucky to have my friends. I've never had to deal with any of this. Sure, my friends will talk about how they gained/lost weight every now and then but it's never a major, constant topic. And none of them have ever made any underhanded comments about my weight.

I do have a problem with eating crap when I hang out with my BFF though. We live in different states now and everytime I see her, we end up eating the worst stuff! After my last visit, I told her we had to stop that habit and she agreed.

I do understand about being the fat friend. Even though my BFF used to be bigger than me, she is gorgeous so her looks kinda deducted from her weight? :?: My other two best friends are only a little overweight (one used to be skinny then she hurt her back and gained weight, the other went to college and lost weight).

When I was at my largest (around 210 pounds), my friends were all around my size. One a little bigger, one a little smaller. When I lost 70 pounds and surpassed them all, my best friend (the one smaller than I originally) was RIDICULOUSLY jealous. She would say "good job" like she was being friendly, but then do anything she could to squeeze her *** into jeans my size. Anything but lose weight. It looked awful on her but she always did it. She was jealous of everything I did, though. I usually attract friends that wants to be exactly like me but end up trying in a very angry way.

So, I understand being the "fat friend" because that girl would always LOVE to take me shopping so she could feel better about herself. Then I lost all that weight and surprise surprise, we didn't stay friends much longer. Jealousy is a vicious thing.

I'm with megwini and others - I've been very fortunate that my friends haven't seen me as the DFF. My best friend (5'0, 110 lbs) has always been super encouraging - whether I'm happy with myself or trying to lose weight. She's known me since 5th grade when my mini-eating disorder started and to this day she's the only person I can go clothes shopping with. She's honest, but not the point of cruelty.

As far as other friends go, I have thin ones and I have "chubby" ones - and I've never been made to feel like crap for being heavier/thinner than them. One of my closest friends is currently going through this weight loss journey with me as well, and we lean on each other through it. Even my baby sister, who's considerably more overweight than I am/ever was is super-encouraging.

Granted, I've never been really comfortable talking about weight loss as I do on 3FC (and you chickies are amazing! :) ) but I've never felt like my friends wanted me to stay fat or resented me for being thinner.

/hugs to all of you

My best friend and I are a little competitive, and she recently lost a couple dress sizes and looks amazing (we had been roughly the same size)...that definitely spurred me to try harder, but now that I am where I am (still a size or two above her), I'm happy to find that as long as I'm happy with myself, I don't resent her at all and just feel proud of her. But if I'm not happy with myself, well, than that makes it a little harder to handle...so when you feel like a DFF or your friends are making ungenerous comments, just remember that it probably says a lot more about them than it does about you.

Oh man, :( I've been there! I used to have a best friend who started dropping weight like crazy (doing it the unhealthy way) and she would always talk about how muh weight she's losing and how guys are looking at her and flirting with her all the time. And she just became this completely different person, very self-centered. Also, she made me feel like crap at the same time. I was happy that was losing weight but unhappy that she became obsessive about it and did it by starving herself! and was doing it for the wrong reasons (to get guys attention). Whereas, I was doing it for the right reasons (for my health obviously) and she made it seem like I was dirt.

Sometimes, someone doesn't realize how they bad they make you feel. They're completely oblivious, as long as it makes THEM feel good. Just forget about the harsh comments, keep working hard at what you're doing. Sooner or later, you'll be thin and healthy and they'll have nothing bad to say.

I know how this feels. My two best friends for life are skinny. They don't understand, but one is supportive, the other says, "You don't have anything to lose, what are you talking about, Tiana?" I feel like, what? You kidding me? Can't you just support me, instead of saying I have nothing to loss, when your complaining about yourself. Shes a great perosn with a great heart, but she can be alittle think headed. She doesn't mean it meanly, she is just oblivious, and sometimes when she says she feels fat, I'm thinking you? I love her to death but, some times I feel like I need to strangle her, once I asked her if she was bigger would she still feel down. She said honestly it wouldn't make a difference and that she still would be be concious. I really do understand were shes coming from, but she doesn't know how it is to be bigger. I am always there for her, but she lacks understanding and can only relate to her problems, when I'm always VERY empathic to her, and tell her honesty. She says that people have made fun of her for being skinny, I understand, but I say it's much worse the other way! Just my oppinion, I told her, that maybe being too skinny could perhaps be just as bad if one has self issues...but honeslty to me it's worse the other way. I know she has suffered :(, but she doesn't know, shes never expereinced not being slim...if you think that's horriable try being heavy not being about to fit into your size 3 clothes...being on your period blouted and fat. Come on! I know she is uncomfortable in her body, but most of the time she seems just fine and dandy. And my other best friend, she is really rutting for me. :) She only wants the best for me. She wants me to be healthy, I don't talk about my wieght issues that much, but she deffinity tries to understand when shes 125 and almost my hieght. I don't want to go bake to school feeling like poop. :cry: I am the bigger friend. I'd like to feel good too, and wear the same things. I'm happy that my best friends are healthy, but you know what sucks werse? Is when one knows guys are very attractive, they don't know how lucky they are. I want a perky chest too!!!!

Frustrated rant finished.

Aw... SnowWolf, I guess I really wouldn't understand you either, because I'm your height and I've never even weighed as little as 154 before (160 being the lowest I've ever been and people thought I looked skinny then), so it's kind of hard for me to picture myself as being fat at 154, but I know everyone's bodies are different. @_@ Good luck though!

Maybe I'm just a terrible person, but I feel like my friend constantly brings it up around me, especially if guys are there too. I tried the being nice thing, brushing it off thing(she just kept harping me) and being a little rude stopped it. She obviously knows she's not fat because I've heard her mention that she wants to gain weight to others, so I think she's probably one of those girls that only says that to fat girls for validation

My best friend is 5'6 and 100 pounds on a fat day. She is SO skinny, but has just always been that way. We've never discussed weight even though I'm obviously much heavier than her. The problem is her dad. When we were in high school he would make all these horrible "joking" comments about how my parents ought to have to pay twice what he pays for our private school because I'm twice her size. Not funny at all. It was even worse because at the time I was probably only about 15, and really adults ought to know better.

I think I have a different perspective on the "I'm-so-fat" thing. My best friend has a small frame and a normal body type, and when she gains weight she says "OMG I'M SO FAT!" but what she means is "I have gained weight and I don't look like myself."

So if I were to say, "You're not fat, I'm fat!" she'd say, "No way you're not fat!" because I'm the same exact pretty, chubby Hippolyta she sees every day, while she is bloated and changed. I think here "fat" is a euphemism for "gained weight, doesn't look the same".

That being said, on the one hand there is my best friend (who is awesome) and on the other are some normal-weight *****y terrible ex-friends, who would do the apologetic, insincere "youre...not...fat" thing that drove me CRAZY.

Maybe I lucked out!

The problem is her dad. When we were in high school he would make all these horrible "joking" comments about how my parents ought to have to pay twice what he pays for our private school because I'm twice her size. Not funny at all. It was even worse because at the time I was probably only about 15, and really adults ought to know better.

I don't even know what to say to that. I'm just... in shock and awe that anyone could be so obtusely douchebaggish. I hope there's some karmic retribution in his future.

I knew some people in high school who would do the "you're not fat" thing. I appreciate their intention, but I'd appreciate honesty more. The group I hang out with now is a mix of people who eat whatever they want and not gain weight, people who have lost weight, two of us currently losing weight, and one who wants to lose weight and isn't commited yet. I can talk to any of them about my weight and get honest (but not b!tchy) feedback. They're a really good group.


I don't even know what to say to that. I'm just... in shock and awe that anyone could be so obtusely douchebaggish. I hope there's some karmic retribution in his future.

awesome vocab choice

it's another thing when its family. My sister used to go into my closet and take something to wear and when I told her I didn't want her to she would say, "This doesn't fit you anyway, its too small." Yeah, not fun. Then my mom would go on and on about all the mountain biking and yoga she does. Then she would pause and say, "So when is the last time you went to the gym?" Not fun either. To me, its just one of those things that you can choose to be around or not. Thank God I'm married because I can go over there if I want to now, or not.

If you have "friends" that make you feel bad for any reason, are they really friends anyway? I would say they weren't.

It can be rough from family. My Dad used to make comments along the lines of "are you sure you want to eat that?" He meant it to be helpful and keep me on track but instead it just upset me, which I delt with by eating even more (and started eating secretively).
Back in May I had a convo with my sister about my weight. I had already lost 17lbs at that point and she brought up how she was proud of me and she really wanted me to see it til the end this time because I'm her only sister and she wants me to be around. Oh man did I cry (and we were in public). It ended up being a pretty long convo.
The biggest she's ever been was a size 8 (which is thick for her 5'2 frame but still not really fat and she was still very fit). She doesn't really understand depression and emotional eating, but she's heard me and her boyfriend talk about it.
It was a hard conversation. And it was really really hard to explain to someone how you can want to lose weight without being ready to, and how you can know you are capable of losing weight without believing you can.
Anyhow, it wasn't brought up to be hurtful. It was just what needed to be talked about so we could understand each other's point of view.

I am pretty fortunate right now, none of my friends make me feel like **** about what I weigh. However, if I start to gain some weight my husbands father will let me know... trust me!! Last summer I was at my highest weight in a long time and one day he just bluntly said "You're puttin' on some weight, ain't ya?? You're bigger than AJ!" AJ is my husband and yes he is pretty small, but talk about hurting my feelings!! Oh and a woman I used to work with told me that I had a spare tire around my middle that I needed to get rid of and that I was "getting fat as a bear!" Thank god I don't see her anymore!! I remember thinking to myself "Dear god I can't believe you just said that! LOOK AT YOU!!!"

it's weird to me; I am the fat friend at school, but not in "out of school relationships". there, i am the "medium friend" with one skinnier, and one heavier. As the FF, i feel very weird and out of place, especially when they all talk about being "fat" in their size 2-4 clothes.

but i am also worried about losing weight in my medium dynamic. My heaviest friend has a host of health problems that stop her from losing, including depression. I wouldn't want her to be upset with me (although truthfully, this will not stop me from losing. I am not going to stay fat to make her happy)

also, i have always been the fat sibling, and i know my brothers are ashamed about that.

also, i have always been the fat sibling, and i know my brothers are ashamed about that.

*exaggerated eye roll* My brother went through a phase where he wouldn't go in public alone with me, in case people thought we were "together." He voiced this to me once, much to my 15-year-old self-loathing dismay.

Now, his fiance wants to hook me up with one of his guy friends, and my brother very unsubtly made mention that his friend only dates model-esque girls. I'm pretty sure that even with my weight loss, my brother still sees and thinks of me as fat 'n ugly.

Who gives a rat's @ss what your siblings think, I say... :hug: