Okay..my boyfriend's dad called a bit ago to say he was on his way over here..for a background on the situation, go here http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/176902-sigh.html .
So, I go in and put on my best fitting jeans (I only have 2 pair and they are both too big). I put on the shirt that fits me best and I run the flat iron over my hair. I take a deep breath and I am ready to meet his dad and I tell my boyfriend this. I am nervous but not afraid. But when his dad and his nephew get here, my boyfriend goes outside to meet them and never invites them in where I am at. My boyfriend comes in once to get something and I am standing there waiting for his dad to come in and my boyfriend, without even giving me a glance, says "I don't think he is coming in." .
How am I suppose to take this? I am very hurt at the moment. I luckily came into 20 bucks (yeah, sad I know) and I have been planning to use it to buy a food scale so I can accurately measure my foods and now I just want to cry, break things and eat lots of icky greasy foods :(
07-27-2009, 02:23 PM
Take a deep breath. This most likely has NOTHING to do with you. So just sit back, breathe, get your food scale, KEEP ON YOUR PATH. And then, later on, ask DB wtf????
Seriously, calm down and breathe. This most likely has nothing to do with you at all. NOTHING...
07-27-2009, 02:23 PM
No, your stronge enough, do not let them hurt you, it's propibly not you. Don't jump to conclusions. Your a beautiful girl and you better believe that. Do not bet yourself up, you don't even know why. We are all here to support you, you've come this fare, keep going, keep believeing. Stand tall. Don't let your emotions over come you. You can do this. Even if they did that on purpose, then he is not a good person. I really think it had some other reason.
God bless. I'm sorry sweetie. But don't give up on yourself! Have faith! Have hope! I know I do for you!
07-27-2009, 02:24 PM
I think you did amazing. You put on your best jeans, did your hair and got all beautiful. You were ready for the situation! That in itself is an accomplishment! While it's impossible for me to forecast what the other individuals were thinking. I'm most proud of you. Perhaps next time you'll go outside and meet them? Never know! I think you have mounds to be proud of which screams from the mountain tops your results!
07-27-2009, 02:33 PM
Next chance, go OUTSIDE! Just walk right out, put out your hand, and say, "Hi Mr. XYZ, I'm Chunkychic. I am so happy to finally meet you!"
07-27-2009, 02:34 PM
I didn't comment on the last post, but you got some wonderful advice. I think that this is kind of a strange situation. My understanding is (and I could be wrong) you have had a relationship with your boyfriend for 6 years and you have been living with him for 2 and you have yet to meet his parents/son/family/etc.? In addition you are interested in working but would need to rely on him for transportation but he says no, cause you guys have everything (except you aren't able to afford a few outfits that fit well at this time?). So I'm a little confused and a little concerned.
And then I see your WONDERFUL AMAZING progress and how you are grabbing control over your weight and your body and I am bursting with pride and excitement for you! And I think that grabbing control over this situation is the next logical step. As for how to grab control of this situation you have a few options. I would have a serious WTF discussion with the boyfriend about his family. What in the world is the barrier here? I must be missing something. Second, the next opportunity, grab it. Invite them for dinner. Can be a potluck with paperplates. Make spaghetti. Get to know them. You are ASTONISHING! And not cause of the weight loss (although I bow in awe before you!) but because you are brave and you believe and you look at the unknown and you have faith and say "Bring it on, baby" and you make these sweeping incredible changes. And go for a job. Get out of the house, make your own money. Money = independence. Not cause you are going anywhere but because then you can take care of yourself without having to check with him.
So there ya go. With all that advice and $1.50 you can get a plain coffee at Starbucks. But there are changes afoot for you, Ms. Chic. Ride the wave that you are on to confidence, joy, and contentment. You deserve no less.
07-27-2009, 02:48 PM
I'm so sorry this happened. I'm sure you are very hurt. Time for a serious discussion with DBF. What did he say when he came home about the decision not to bring his son home? Did you have a talk then?
I still believe this is not about your weight. It may still be a serious problem but I don't think that is it or at least not the only thing going on. It is very hard for me to introduce new love interests into my family too but it seems like the time has come for both of you to try and get over this hurdle.
Shannon in ATL
07-27-2009, 02:49 PM
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I can't say it any better than Midwife did. You have done so many great things for yourself, it is absolutely inspiring. Take charge of this situation and make it your own, you can absolutely handle it.
07-27-2009, 03:00 PM
Oh my...yeah, this calls for SOME kind of explanation from BF. I think a heaping of WTH????? is also in order.
PLEASE DON'T sabotage yourself!!!! Chunky, a lot of us here look up to you more than you will E.V.E.R. know. I know you have more smarts than to do something like that anyway. It is okay to cry, maybe even break something, haha. No, not really, I am just kidding. Just have a good cry, compose yourself and approach your BF. Like others have said, chances are it has NOTHING to do with you at all.
Go ahead and buy your food scale. I never knew you did not have one...that is a staple for me so to know you have been on this journey without one, well THAT deserves a standing ovation IMO!
Take this feeling, (unfortunately you are gonna have many more emotional upsets in life, just like anyone) and set precedence for next time. Don't do what you did in the past. A lot of us eat out of anger or sadness. Let this set the tone of how you are going to react to situations like this FROM HERE ON OUT. Buying a scale is CONSTRUCTIVE. Journaling your thoughts and accomplishments are CONSTRUCTIVE. Exercise, even a little walk, is CONSTRUCTIVE. Be constructive rather than destructive to yourself and surroundings. It takes practice. I know b/c I have a tendency to not deal with anger and sadness very well and it takes all I have not to break things or say things I really don't mean. It is really a defense mechanism. I want someone/something to BURST into pieces or hurt to the degree that I am hurting on the inside. But usually, that only leads to MORE anger and hurt. And a whole lotta guilt. Maybe there is something your BF is dealing with family-wise that he hasn't been totally up front with you about. There has to be an explanation. I hope you get it figured out :hug:
07-27-2009, 03:15 PM
I'm sorry. Maybe he heard in advance you weren't sure you were ready to meet him, and he thought it was about HIM!
07-27-2009, 04:20 PM
What was his dad there for? Why did they stay outside? Why didn't you just go outside? Maybe the dad thought you were hiding in the house?
I think what's going to have to happen is this. BF and you plan a date and time to eet his family, you guys prepare dinner and they come over or you all meet somewhere for dinner or go to his parents home.
When it happens, just be nice, smile, tell them it's so wonderful to finally meet them, etc.
Once you finally meet them and get to know them better perhaps explain to his mother your situation- that you used to weigh over 300 lbs and now weigh less than 200 and it's taken you a while to get over your own self esteem issues and sincerely apologize because it had nothing to do with them, just you.
Put yourself in their shoes- their son is seeing a woman for 6 years and she has never taken the time to meet them- I bet they are feeling the SAME way you are.
07-27-2009, 04:20 PM
It's not about you.
It's not about you.
It's not about you.
It's not about you.
It's not about you!
You are a BEAUTIFUL woman--I've seen the pics, haven't you?? I mean, really gorgeous!!! You are!! Time for some positive self-affirmations!!!! And if you have health ins, maybe a little counselling?? Been there, done that, it helps.
07-27-2009, 05:55 PM
I agree with all of these people! You are a wonderfully amazing woman! You have accomplished so much and you deserve to stand out and SHINE. Have that talk with your b/f and then once everything is squared away, plan that dinner with his fam! But most of all, stay strong. You most certainly CAN do this! :hug:
07-27-2009, 06:16 PM
I am sorry you are feeling bad.you are such a sweetheart with a great sense of humor!!!!!!Trust me...they need to meet you!They are missing out.
07-27-2009, 06:18 PM
Hoping you are out and about getting your new food scale but if not and things have gone off the rails food wise or otherwise, please know you're in a safe place and don't feel like you have to hide. You are a wonderful support and I hope you'll take some of that back now. Hugs!
07-27-2009, 06:31 PM
chic! I would be asking for an explanation. Also I was in A SIMILAR situation. I could have hid my face (because of the past tension between SO's parents and I) but I agree you just have to step out and say "Hey, I'm here! Nice to meet you".I was terrified--the first day we met! omg, it was scary and I felt so bad. But, you know what things change! You will forgive yourself for lying. BF already has. His parents WILL warm up to you.
Hugs for now darling. You go get that weight scale! Because you deserve it!
07-27-2009, 06:33 PM
I want to thank everyone who has responded.
Kira - You always have sound, sage advice for me :hug:
SnowWolf - You are right, I am strong enough. Sometimes it is hard to see it in yourself so thank you :hug:
aphimira - You are so sweet. God bless you and thank you for helping keep me sane today :hug:
JulieJ08 - Next chance, go OUTSIDE! Just walk right out, put out your hand, and say, "Hi Mr. XYZ, I'm Chunkychic. I am so happy to finally meet you!" That made me smile, thank you.
midwife - Your words ring true to an extent and I thank you for them:hug:. As for the reasoning behind my meager wardrobe - I myself do not feel the need to buy a lot of clothes when I am still losing. It is a waste of money to me, not my boyfriend. And I am sure when he said he can pay for everything, he meant our necessities and not that he is rich, cause he ain't :rofl:.
p7eggyc - His response to my questions of why or when is "I'll think about it." or "I'm not sure yet.". If I try to push the issue, he winds up aggravated so I just shut up :|.
Shannon in ATL - Thank you. You are always so positive and uplifting to everyone :hug:
Niecy - You've once again, touched my heart. Thank you. The people on this forum, you included, always can make people feel better. You are appreciated here much more than you probably realize :hug:
HungryHungrHippo - I am not sure. I just wish it would all happen and be done with already. Thank you so much :hug:
beerab - His dad came by to get a check from my boyfriend. My boyfriend went outside when he saw his dad pull in the driveway. I am not sure why I didn't go out, I reckon I was thinking if my boyfriend wanted me to meet his dad, he would bring him inside :shrug:. Thank you so much. I will think more of how they are feeling too :hug:
DCHound - You are amazing and you've made me smile as well. Priceless to me, especially today. Thank you :hug:
EveLHaelf - Thank you. I know deep down you are right. I am trying to get in that mindset, it ain't easy :hug:
Jennifer - It is good to know I am not the only one who has felt afraid to meet people. Thanks for always supporting and encouraging me :hug:
Now as to what else has happened -
I did go buy the food scale. I did buy a new battery for my weight scale. I did buy new measuring spoons. I did not buy any junkie fried crap nor did I break anything. I did not talk to my boyfriend about how I am feeling because he tends to get frustrated easily about the subject and I guess I am not wanting to cause an argument when I am in a poor emotional state. I suck sometimes :(
07-27-2009, 06:44 PM
oh chic..sweetie..you don't suck. I would just bring it up when he decides he feels like talking again. I'm one of those people who TRIES WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT to keep the peace. I learned a while back, I was sacrificing myself way too much...and it was not healthy. Now if SO and I are having a fight...if we talk about anything I say "you remember this or that? It really hurt me. I did not feel good when this happened. I'm upset".
I let SO respond. Usually because I talk in a soft tone, he responds with sympathy and usually says sorry. Sometimes he doesn't even know the dumb thing he has done!
yay! For the food scale and Yay that you did not stuff your face with meaningless junk!
07-27-2009, 06:45 PM
Iím so sorry to hear that you are hurt and sad!
I wish I were there to give you a big :hug:
I know itís so easy to go back to eating yucky bad things when you feel awful, but I know you can overcome that urge.
Try to look at the positives. One of them is that you have so many friends here that care about you. :)
Maybe you could go on a walk to clear your mind, or do a little kick boxing to get that frustration out because this situation sounds very frustrating!
I just hope things get better for you!!!
1). This week lose 1.5 pounds & eat fewer carbs!
2). Weigh 169.9 on August 29th.
3). August 29th Hike Mt. Timp to the top!
07-27-2009, 06:53 PM
Thank you again, Jennifer. Maybe I tend to get too emotional and probably dramatic (stems from my borderline personality disorder). Plus, because of the bpd, I tend to take everything to heart and too personally, ya know? And I do not, I repeat do not, know how to have a civilized discussion, especially when I am already upset and hurt. I will try to take a different approach once I am more calm and feel I can follow through on it without going psycho :| :hug:
SweetTink - I know I need to vent my frustrations in a less destructive way. Most times I let my emotions carry out actions and I don't stop and think. Thank you :hug:
07-27-2009, 07:21 PM
Wow, I am way late jumping on this bandwagon but I need to give you this :hug: I am so sorry that you were feeling sad about what happened. Everyone here gave you great advice & I hope you remember how wonderful you are & what an inspiration you've become to this whole forum. You are beautiful, inside & out. Say it, learn it, live it. xoxo
07-27-2009, 07:26 PM
AbbySinthe - Thank you so much. I really need those encouraging words right now :hug::hug:
07-27-2009, 07:27 PM
I'm really feeling for you right now, and believe me, I understand... BUT I also wanna come over there and kick your butt !!
You are probably one of the people I see the most here.. one of the most positive, most uplifting, most inspirational, most motivating, friendliest, encouraging people around.
What would you tell someone in this situation? If someone else were going through this, you would be right here telling them how strong and powerful and important they are, and that they can get through this. Maybe you would tell them how beautiful inside and out they are, and they need to realize it and not let others drag them down.
I want you to see all these things for yourself. I want you to take all that positive good advice you always have for everyone else that is down, and tell it to you.
You are definitely not in an easy situation. And as was mentioned, one of the first things I thought was maybe they feel awkward because you have not wanted to meet them in 6 years. Maybe they feel you don't want to know them, and are trying to respect that. I really think there are things you need to talk about with your bf, but I honestly don't think any of this is about you or your weight. There could be any number of reasons.
You are an amazing person Michelle. You have overcome a lot, and worked damn hard to get yourself healthy and lose the weight that you have. Please know that we are all here for you, and we are all cheering for you. I know you will get things worked out, and I know you will get through all this with your head held high, and getting the happiness you deserve.
Too many times I have let that darn inner voice get me down and control my world and life. I lost one of my best friends due to it, and I am determined to silence it. I read somewhere once that we need to talk to ourselves like we would a best friend. We would never talk to a best friend the way we talk to ourselves. Now, I want you to tell yourself all the positive things, just like you would a best friend, or someone here.
07-27-2009, 08:28 PM
You are probably one of the people I see the most here.. one of the most positive, most uplifting, most inspirational, most motivating, friendliest, encouraging people around.You are an amazing person Michelle. You have overcome a lot, and worked damn hard to get yourself healthy and lose the weight that you have. Please know that we are all here for you, and we are all cheering for you. I know you will get things worked out, and I know you will get through all this with your head held high, and getting the happiness you deserve.Thank you so very much. That means so much to me :hug:.
We would never talk to a best friend the way we talk to ourselves. Now, I want you to tell yourself all the positive things, just like you would a best friend, or someone here.You are right and I know it. It is just easier most times to support others rather than myself :|
07-27-2009, 08:49 PM
I'm going to take a different approach from others. So what if it was you? What if the reason he didn't come inside is because he just doesn't want to meet you, can't stand the thought of you? What does that mean?
Your boyfriend will break up with you? Has he yet?
You're a bad person? What, based on the perceptions of someone who hasn't even bothered to get to know you?
You can never be happy? What gives this guy the right to influence YOUR happiness?
As someone who used to try very hard to please everyone, I can tell you that there are going to people who don't like you, no matter what you do or how you look. That's on them. But is it right to assume that they don't like you? That doesn't seem like it helps you or them.
If you're really ready to meet his father, maybe you could simply tell him that you thought that he was going to bring his father in and were disappointed that he didn't, but can you plan a time to meet? Don't have to get on his case or anything if you don't want to be confrontational or worry that your emotions are too charged.
07-27-2009, 08:51 PM
Sweetie, I know what it's like to have that ache inside and just want to talk it out and make everything right with your SO, and to desperately try to keep the peace! Everyone needs a cooling down session, but once the emotions are under control a talk needs to happen for things to get set straight and to ease your mind (and maybe his as well?) I'm one of those people who always want to talk it out and make everything right immediately and my hubby needs a calming down period, and if I don't give it to him he tends to freak so I learned that the hard way :p
A communication tip my friend gave me was whenever you want to have a talk with your b/f try getting in a lower position than him (like if he's sitting on the couch, sit on the floor, or if he is standing you sit down etc.) This will make it so that he doesn't feel 'threatened' or like you are confronting him. It has worked like a charm for me! Maybe it will help you as well? I really hope that this whole situation gets worked out for you! :hug:
Good job on not breaking anything! :D
Keep it up, girl. You inspire me!
07-27-2009, 08:52 PM
I haven't been here long at all, but I know for certain that you are an exceptionally beautiful woman!
Why deny your BF's family the honor of meeting you? Now is that fair?? ;-)
I just want to give you a big ole hug....****SQUEEZE**** There you go. I am proud of you for dealing with your emotions in a positive way. When you feel up to it, most definitely have a talk with your BF. He should know how you feel about this.
07-27-2009, 08:55 PM
Do you think it could be that your boyfriend doesn't know you are now ready to meet his family? You said he promised you didn't have to meet them until you were comfortable. Does he know you are comfortable? Could he have just been protecting you based on your original agreement?
07-27-2009, 08:57 PM
Why didn't you just go outside ?
07-27-2009, 09:18 PM
No matter how upsetting this is (and I think you have the right to be upset), you can't take this out on yourself, which is what you would be doing if you give into the urge to eat. The urge to eat will pass and when it does, you will be so glad you didn't turn to food to comfort.
Hang in there. You are amazing!
07-27-2009, 10:50 PM
OK DEAR....You heard all the advice....all good...
you need a new game plan to proceed with your weight loss and relationship...
one that empowers you....
You can do this...
We got your back!
07-27-2009, 11:08 PM
I KNEW IT!!! I knew you would do the right thing! You are just too strong now to turn back. And you know that, too. I got your number Chunky, lol. And I am glad to hear that there are no broken plates to speak of, hehe.
I hope that you and your BF can work this through and happily move forward. You know we are here for you!
07-27-2009, 11:15 PM
No advice, but most sincere :hug:
07-27-2009, 11:26 PM
You are an awesome woman.
You just don't seem to have caught up with that idea yet. Not an uncommon problem on this forum;)
07-28-2009, 03:01 AM
I didn't get a chance to pop in earlier but :hug: to you for making it through! :) Hang in there woman! You're mahhhhvelous!! ;)
07-28-2009, 07:58 AM
Thanks so much everyone for the support and encouragement, all of you are awesome :hug::hug::hug:
I did manage to ask my boyfriend last night why he didn't ask his dad to come in and he said this -
"I do not want to have it be about a meeting. I don't want to have you on display and make you uncomfortable. If he had asked to come in, I would not have stopped him but I did not want to direct him in to meet you. I just couldn't do that to you."
Now those weren't exact words cause I didn't write it down as he said it but that is pretty close. I do feel better now and I guess that is what matters, eh?
Thanks again everyone!!
Lots of love
07-28-2009, 10:39 AM
I still don't understand....why didn't you just go out and introduce yourself. I mean if its that nerve racking....get it over with!
07-28-2009, 10:42 AM
Glad your day wrapped up successfully! You guys will work this out. Big hugs and keep working at it. You'll find your way through it.
07-28-2009, 10:46 AM
Thank you, Peg :hug:
07-28-2009, 11:01 AM
oh yay! See chic, your bf had your best interest at heart. But remember, if YOU had stepped outside the outcome would have been different. I like it that bf put it in your hands--that was considerate.
Believe me--that's going to take GUTS. I know you have them. You are a strong woman. I've dealt with social anxiety my whole life. I simply ignore my racing heart, sweaty palms, and "nobody's going to like you" voice in my head--and shove myself out there.
It was 100 times worse, because I knew we had been lying to his parents for so long. I felt justified in lying--they shouldn't have tried to keep us apart, but at the same time, I was afraid of conflict. We finally met at the hospital on SO's day to have surgery for a hernia. I remember being in the room and hearing their footsteps and feeling like I wanted to run as fast as I could. They had not liked me from the beginning. Thankfully his grandfather was there, and he was a sweet and Christian man who made me feel very welcome.
You will find the courage to meet them. I am so proud of you for having a resolving talk with your bf, I know that can be hard for someone who hates conflict!
07-28-2009, 11:08 AM
Thanks once again, Jennifer. You are the bestest :D :hug:
07-28-2009, 11:10 AM
You are the bestest and my inspiration!
07-28-2009, 11:13 AM
Awww thank you. You know I feel the same about you :D ♥
07-28-2009, 11:55 AM
I take a deep breath and I am ready to meet his dad and I tell my boyfriend this. I am nervous but not afraid.
If he had asked to come in, I would not have stopped him but I did not want to direct him in to meet you. I just couldn't do that to you."
See, I'm just not getting this. He's not making sense.
07-28-2009, 11:58 AM
Well, he is an idiot, I am afraid :shrug::lol:
Seriously though, I can't try to pick it apart and figure it out anymore, for my own sanity and emotional well being. I just figure, it will happen when it happens and I should stop stressing. I know that though I also know getting to that point may take some time.
Thank you, Julie :hug:
07-28-2009, 12:45 PM
Sooo any plans made to see his family? I'm sure you'll find they are good people- after all your bf is their son right?
The first meeting is always scary- but I bet after you meet them you'll laugh at yourself when you realize how great they are :D
07-28-2009, 12:48 PM
No, no plans as of yet. I think he is more wanting it to happen "naturally" than making a big deal out of planning a "meeting" :shrug:
07-28-2009, 12:50 PM
And the thing is, I have talked to both his parents numerous times on the phone before I moved here. I just find that I don't want to be embarrassed or embarrass my boyfriend and/or I am afraid of being looked down on because of my how I look. I am trying to get over it and though I am still nervous, I am not afraid like I have been.