100 lb. Club - Buds and roses (OT)

View Full Version : Buds and roses (OT)

07-27-2009, 01:04 PM
I loved what someone posted a while ago about the pain of staying a bud finally being worse than the pain of blossoming. I have a real sense of being in blossom at the moment. Yes, I know last week I was on the edge of the abyss, I promise to pay attention if my life begins to bounce between the 2 poles.

I've re-couped my weightloss, I'm back to enjoying the sense of accomplishment that TaraLee posted about, I have this weird (to me) sense that I really am, at my great age, beginning to come out of the bud and be the real me. Which is Alice by name, by the way.

Today I have been into the city and bought a short, red, boxy jacket. It looks fantastic. It was for the Paris trip - yes, that's back on! - but I had to get it now because it was in the sale, half-price, 15. It wouldn't hang around long.

However, because it looks so confident and stylish, without being too try-hard, I've decided to wear it for The Last Lunch tomorrow. I'm assuming it's the Last Lunch, radio silence for 4 weeks (unless I called to ask The Silent One how the poopiness in his life was going) followed by the statement that he's got one more thing to say to me but not over the lunch, it's to be in the car park afterwards doesn't incline me to expect anything positive. My brother thinks he's going to propose. :dizzy:

The real 'OMG, I'm a flower!' moment in all this for me is that whatever He says/does/expects, *I* will make the decision on what I do with it. I am not dependent on his good opinion - and that's mega for me: all but ALL of my life, I've only been able to have any sense of myself in the reflection of someone else's approbation. Stand or fall, I've moved beyond that. Thankyou, big thankyous, to all the chickies who've supported me in this. Being able to write down and get responses to all the crppiness when it was going on was such a help. You are all correct - I DO deserve better!

So tomorrow I go armed with
my new jacket,
my hot new perfume (Delices de Cartier ulp [not rich but celebrating this week that after 3 years, I've made my last payment to creditors and am not hugely well off but totally debt-free!]),
my Numinamantra: 'You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take time to process it and then get back to you.'
I will enjoy the lunch and take whatever comes after.

Thankyou for helping me become a flower! :kiss:

07-27-2009, 01:10 PM
Congrats, and after being on the 'edge of the abyss' last week as well, I am right there with you! :D

07-27-2009, 01:30 PM
Keep us updated!

We are sitting on the edge of our seats...


07-27-2009, 01:30 PM
I don't think he will be ready for this new you, keeping him guessing!! Sounds very exciting and scary!! Enjoy!!

07-27-2009, 04:03 PM
I honestly love you so much Miss Alice and I am so proud of you!!!!! I can`t wait to hear how tomorrow goes and if I ever get over your way you`d better be prepared for an awesome visit from me complete with a `mooning`for sir jerksalot.


07-27-2009, 04:32 PM
I have been following your story. I'm proud and excited to hear that you're going to stand up for yourself and not give him the power to ruin your week. Way to go! You're beautiful and strong and he's not worthy of your time. Please continue to take care of yourself.

07-27-2009, 04:43 PM
You are simply fantastic!

07-27-2009, 05:37 PM
I think we need a pic of you in that hot little red jacket of yours. ;) Can't wait to hear what the dude has to say. Hang on to that mantra of yours, it's a great one!

07-27-2009, 06:07 PM
You are my inspiration

07-27-2009, 07:24 PM
Wow, Alice, that really made me smile (great name, btw).

I felt a little teary eyed today about a couple of things going on with my relationships today, and it gave me something to think about in terms of how I'm handling things.

I like the picture of you in a stylish red jacket, French perfume, mantra ready.

07-28-2009, 03:47 AM
Have a blast, knock him dead and leave him speechless! ;)

07-28-2009, 05:23 AM
Have a blast, knock him dead and leave him speechless! ;)


Oh believe me, I will try my best to do all 3!

07-28-2009, 11:28 AM
OK, here's how it went down.
We had lunch, he paid.
We talked fine about this and that. A bit polite, perhaps, but that's to be expected.

Over coffee he suddenly said, Now, do you want to talk about Germany? (Many months ago we booked flights to Germany and were to talk about booking the hotels. One reason it was so clear he was deliberately not talking to me (imho) is that we are now 6 wks away from that trip and we should have been booking the hotels long since.)

So I said, Not really. I assumed Germany was off.

He said, I've brought the itinerary (we'd worked on it together, i.e. he'd said, Where do you want to go? I'd made suggestions, he'd decided better ones...)

I said, After 4 weeks of silence, I assumed Germany was off.

He said, We've got the flights, we couldn't book the hotels until you txferred some money into your current account. (Some truth in that, I transferred the money weeks ago, he'd have known that if he'd spoken to me since July 2nd.)

I said, After 4 weeks of silence, I assumed you'd decided we need a break.

He said, Is it the money?

I said no. I'm going to Paris instead.

He was so surprised, he spat coffee down his shirt.

O, he said. I thought you might want to talk about that today, I didn't think you'd just go and do it without co-operation.

He then told me he'd changed all the itnerary anyway. I agreed with him that he'd have a lovely trip.

The conversation moved on.

We left. I said, You wanted to say something to me in the car park?

He said, This whole thing arose because you misunderstood what I said. I don't mind if you criticize your congregation but you were criticizing outsiders and that's not on.
(This isn't true. I was having a moan to a colleague who genuinely does know the bliss of being able to shout and scream without it implying the people whov'e annoyed me are any less children of God, just that I'm having a bad day. In any case, I hung up because he was punching me with words in a way that was agressive and patronizing and unsymathetic.)

I gazed at him with a faint smile.

He said, Then you accused me of having a mental health problem.
(I didn't. There is a work related thing going on for him that the powers that be could resolve but are putting him through the mangle about. What I said was, You're under intolerable strain but you mustn't take it out on me, and you have been doing these past few weeks. You have my sympathy and my support but when u take it out me, I walk away from that, that's why I hung up.)

He said, You think this work thing is really affecting me - it isn't, it's not a problem. (So why did he ring me last week in a state of anxiety over a letter he'd had from the boss? Incidentally, I did my usual sympathy bit. Who wouldn't? )
What my head said, internally, was, You fool! I offered this, you've hurt me badly because of the stress you're under, as an out, rather than just listing all the bullying over the last 12 years (and many, many, many good and kind and generous times but I've discovered a zero tolerance for being bullied)

I opened my mouth and said, (here it comes) You've given me a lot to think about. I'll take time to process it and get back to you.

He made smoothing motions with his hands and said, and we move on.

I smiled charmingly and said, I'll get back to you. Thank you for a lovely lunch. I DID enjoy it. And we got into our cars and drove off.

Actually, I am still sitting here processing. I certainly feel that I walked out with my head high, an unbattered, unbullied rose. OTOH, I don't think I withdrew any friendship or support structure, I don't think I've burnt any bridges. I didn't want to. I think I want to want to keep the friendship going, eventually, and I will certainly always answer any frantic phonecalls.
To be absolutely honest, today he's a bit of a git - that's how it seems to me; in fact, he's what he always was/is, it's my tolerance of it that's changed. I do need time to process my responses.

BUT thankyou all so much for helping me be a rose.

I took some redjacket pix this morning but I can't find the usb cable at the mo. I'll post them when I can.

(but it was funny to see him literally spew when he realized I'd done something without asking his permission.....)

07-28-2009, 12:04 PM
You Go Girl!! Looks like you had a Great Time, and judging from his reponses, you completly took him by surprise. I totally agree you were wonderful, and you did not let your emotions get the best of you, but you also did not let him off the hook too easy. So happy for you, and I think you gave him a bit to think about, too!!

Look forward to seeing your picture.

07-28-2009, 12:08 PM
that is just too good!! thanks for sharing that! and congratulations!!

07-28-2009, 12:16 PM
AWESOME!!!! Suddenly, the power in the relationship turns...interesting to see what will happen next...


07-28-2009, 01:47 PM
Oh, honey! You just became a card-carrying member of the Classy Ladies Blossoming into Joy Club! I have a tiny, little, sneaking suspicion that you have given that boy a few things to process, too!

I hope it does work out that you can remain friends --- you have a lot of history. Still, I think the ground rules have changed some and he is going to have to learn a new way to deal with the new you.

And NOW, you get to go to Paris! WHOO-HOO! You know what? You should pack a small vase and every single day you are in that glorious city, you shoul buy yourself a rose ---- not a bud, but one that has started to unfurl its petals to the full warmth and joy of the sun.

It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Alice --- I have always loved roses.


07-28-2009, 01:51 PM
What a lovely idea! I'd been seriously contemplating a small tattoo but that's a lot classier and much less painful!

07-28-2009, 10:23 PM
I LOVE the way you handled this! You were polite, kind, and resisted the urge to flip out or cry (oh wait, that's me that would have done that......). I think you handled it brilliantly, and you look ever so cute in your new red jacket!

I'm guessing that HE'S got a few things to process now!

07-28-2009, 10:49 PM
Oh my goodness, I have that Gloria Gaynor song from the '70's going through my head..."weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye/did you think I'd stumble?/did you think I'd lay down and die?/oh no not I/I will survive/hey hey!

Woot! you go girl! :)

07-29-2009, 12:31 AM

Oh believe me, I will try my best to do all 3!

Looks like you did just fine!!


07-29-2009, 03:52 AM
you is all very kind!

07-29-2009, 10:15 AM
I missed this yesterday but found it today.

You did awesome, handled it with grace and class! It sounds like it is quite possible to, not only salvage the friendship, but to improve it. He has learned that he can not manipulate you and needs to treat you with respect.

Way to go!

07-29-2009, 10:30 AM
Congratulations on reclaiming your power, not allowing yourself to be bullied or manipulated, and teaching him that he will now have to treat you with the respect you deserve and expect. You go, girlfriend! Enjoy your trip to Paris! I love the idea of buying a rose every day you are there! Heck, why wait until Paris...you can start doing that now!