100 lb. Club - Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw (LONG self pity part)




TaraLee
07-26-2009, 10:39 PM
I literally feel like a jack *** posting this during the same time Tammy has been going through **** but I've been debating on coming clean for about a week.

I haven't been following plan. Not since after my first week. My first entire week of following plan I dropped 6 pounds... poof! The next week was vacation and since I had already lost 6 pounds I found myself becoming more lax in my diet. We were doing a ton of walking and keeping busy so I got this mentality where, so long as I didn't *gain* weight it'd be okay to have the french fries or the burger, etc. Got home from vacation and just haven't managed to get back into it and worse I've gotten more lax about my activity level.

I miss the feeling of accomplishment I was getting with following my plan. I seemed more energetic and my housework was getting done, I was cooking meals, I was "on the ball," so to speak. Now, I feel BLAH. I can't seem to get the UMPH up to do anything.

This is pretty classic Tara though. I have a zero support system and try as I might I just can't manage to put one in place. We moved to West Virginia from Colorado, after my family moved to Iowa. Even if they were close geographically I know better than to expect any sort of support from them. Sometimes I swear they thrieve on my failure. They've actually told me they had a running bet on how long I'd last in college. I found this out my sophmore year. I was an awesome high school student with no reason to assume I wouldn't have done well. I loved school! Graduated with honors, had a high GPA, was in Honors in college, excelled in my courses, but for some reason when I heard this all the enthusiasm I had for finishing just vanished. I dropped out before my junior year, right after my dad (well, step dad but the only dad I knew) died unexpectedly. Sadly, my step-father was the only one I ever felt understood me there at the end, and who wanted me to succeed. He and my mother had been seperated for almost a year and were getting ready to divorce. He had gotten clean (my parents were meth addicts and dealers) and my mother still hadn't.
Then I got married and my husband and I had our first baby boy, Kaleb, die in stillbirth due to an incompetant cervix. I tried to go back to college but ended up sabatoging myself. I couldn't cope with anything after that and I failed 2 semesters and lost all financial aid. My family made me feel like a failure that I mourn so deeply the loss of that baby. They still do. They don't understand any of the frustration I've felt over the whole situation. And they don't have to live with the lingering memories of feeling my child struggling inside me for life or holding that precious lifeless body in my arms begging him to wake up, to cry...just once. I had nightmares for weeks after that. I'd wake up in the middle of the night hearing a baby cry. A few times I even got up to walk into the nursery. I feel like I killed my baby, I've only told one person that...ever. I don't bring it up to them, or anyone really. I've learned to cope on my own.
My DH... well, he's different. He supports the weight loss issue, and then brings me candy bars from the store so we can splurge together. He's worse than I am with the discipline so I really have no idea where to go from there. I've already tried telling him not to suggest goodies, don't bring me treats, I need you to be stronger for me... last night I enjoyed Carmellos and Rolos, see how well that worked? I'm pretty sure on some level he's trying to sabatoge me. He keeps making comments about me losing weight and replacing him. I've tried to be reassuring that this is for me and HIM but to be honest, our marriage hasn't been the greatest so I'm not sure how to make him feel more at ease. I am truly not losing weight in order to move on to "bigger and better" like he's said. I want to lose it to feel comfortable in my own skin again. So I can have the energy I want and need to be the mother mine wasn't and I think, if I'm happier with myself, it'll help the marriage.
I know this is all on me. I need to find it in me to move past the self sabatoging and road blocks I'm putting up. I'm holding on by a thread. I've made myself continue to workout, at least 4 times a week the past week. I haven't monitored food, but I figured if I could just hang on and do the workouts, we'll start adding in the diet part. I just need to find the rest of the strength in me to break through this cloud I feel like I'm in.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I feel like I owe you guys an appology. All the great advice and support and I've just been squeezing by.


Madison
07-26-2009, 10:48 PM
You dont owe anything to anybody but yourself sweets :)

I miss the feeling of accomplishment I was getting with following my plan. I seemed more energetic and my housework was getting done, I was cooking meals, I was "on the ball," so to speak. Now, I feel BLAH. I can't seem to get the UMPH up to do anything.

Just focus on this. Dont worry about the couldawouldashoulda's and just do what you know how to do for one day. Just for one day. I guarantee the momentum of that one good day will make you do it for two. Then there will be one more and then you will be on a roll again :) You have continued to work out - that is a good thing - so you havent let it all go, not at all. And you are still here, so that is a good thing too.

:hug:

Judy Lynn
07-26-2009, 10:56 PM
Wow! You have been through a lot Tara Lee. An awful lot. :hug:

Never feel bad for reaching out for support. I guess my best advice might be to just literally take it one day at a time. Plan a menu for tomorrow and commit to sticking to it for just tomorrow. Don't even think past that one day. I have had to do this in the past and it helps me. I wake up in the morning and think to myself "Today I am going to stay on plan."

I hope this isn't out of line, but it sounds to me like both you and your husband could benefit from some counselling. Just someone to help talk you through some of these issues. I think your husband is afraid of losing you.

More :hug:. Keep posting, it is therapeutic in it's own way too.


Windchime
07-26-2009, 11:42 PM
I think counseling sounds like a good idea, too. Not only for your relationship, but to help you deal with the terrible blow of losing your precious baby. That had to be a catastrophic, life-changing event for you and so terribly difficult to go through without a lot of family support. :(

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're right, it is up to you but gosh, it is really difficult to do when you feel like nobody has faith in you or is pulling for you! Hang in there, and please don't apologize--your problems and struggles are just as important as everyone else's here, and you also deserve our support and attention.

cfmama
07-27-2009, 12:10 AM
Wow. That is a LOT to deal with all at once. I lost a baby at 19 weeks and got to hold her and wish that she would move, cry, anything :( I feel your pain (or some semblance of it) Have you thought of grief counselling? It helped me quite a bit.

Losing weight is HARD. Sticking to plan is HARD. Being fat is HARD. Someone here once said... pick your hard. We can help you but you HAVE TO TALK TO US. I'm pretty intuitive but even I cannot pick your brain ;)

You need hugs. And love. And acceptance. And a kick in the butt (but gently.) Consider this your sign.

love and hugs
Tam

DCHound
07-27-2009, 12:13 AM
What Tammy said!!

If you have health insurance I really think counseling is the way to go, particularly after the death of a child. I am so so sad for you. We are here to help if we can.

ajowens
07-27-2009, 12:20 AM
<3 *HUG*

Thanks for being you!

http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/tulip-bar/bee01/lb/174/135/169/.png (http://www.3fatchicks.com/)

Couch
07-27-2009, 01:20 AM
Nthing that therapy could help. Overeating is often a response to emotions that we can't otherwise deal with, and you have had more than your fair share of trauma and reasons not to be able to deal.

In the mean time, you can practice behavioural changes. This may not help with the psychological reasons for overeating, but will help stop the overeating -> guilt -> overeating cycle, which is the major problem with using food for comfort. You managed perfection for one week, but then it got hard and you went back to you old habits. Maybe, like me, you can't do it all at once? There are women on this forum that are astonishing and inspiring in their ability to stay perfectly on plan, and they have the results to match, however, it's not the only way.

I'm no good at demanding immediate perfection from myself. I fail a little, and then feel guilty, and then overeat and fail a lot, and then I go into denial mode and it's all bad. I need to start slow, and then add improvements and tweak the plan as I feel able to. Maybe, if you can't face the idea of doing everything right now, then do what you things you can achieve. For example, the plan this week could be:

- Eat mostly whole foods.
- Exercise half an hour everyday.

If you can do that for a while, you will start to feel better and get your energy back, because you are treating your body right. Then you can start looking at portion control and increasing the intensity of your exercise and all the other parts that go into losing weight efficiently that just seem too hard right now. And even if you can't achieve dieting perfection, every step in the right direction makes for a healthier you.

Good luck

scarletmeshell
07-27-2009, 11:36 AM
Never apologize for telling it like it is. Sending you good thoughts and hugs.

TaraLee
07-27-2009, 12:17 PM
Thank you all. Really, deeply, truly, thank you

Rosinante
07-27-2009, 12:47 PM
Nothing from my experiences comes close to what you've been through, so I won't offer any platitudes, just a :hug: and lots of prayers.

kiramira
07-27-2009, 12:59 PM
What can one say? Life just sometimes takes you by surprise and can take you down...
Counselling, finding a structured eating program, and just a walk a day might do wonders...forget about the number on the scale. Just get your head straight and get some healthy habits in place. The rest WILL come.

:hug:

Kira

Institches21
07-27-2009, 01:20 PM
Tara-
So sorry, you are dealing with a lot, losing a baby, father, support of love ones, each one has a great impact on your life. You are taking that first brave step, acknowledging it, this is huge. Your DH is only trying to help the only way he knows how, but only you can change YOU!! Not that this is going to be easy, faced with those temptations will be so hard, but just do this the next time you are faced with a candy bar situation, don't eat it, make yourself a deal, no matter what DH brings home I will not eat it, pick that time to go for a walk, journal your feelings, have a lg glass of water and just get far away from the temptation, I think you DH will see you mean business. Hey, maybe the next time he brings home candy, suggest you both go for a walk instead, tell him you need him to help you to stay motivated to steer clear of that candy.

I also know how hard it is to lose a baby, and family, and not have full support from all the love ones, and I've had some issues, that I'm working through, but posting here, has helped me to see, that it's okay, we all make some mistakes, and slip a bit now and then, but I need to get healthy for me, yes, my family is so important to me, but if I'm not healthy, inside and out, I'm not going to be there for them.

Hugs to you and your DH.

dragonwoman64
07-27-2009, 07:38 PM
my thoughts reading your post were how much you've been through, and how wonderful that you faced the situation, and are making a plan to move forward!

don't worry if it takes you more than one try, and if you have to find your way around barriers you may not have seen coming. believe me, you have it in you.

diyana
07-28-2009, 09:39 AM
You've been through so much. Many of us haven't gone through the heartaches that you have, but we all know what it's like to try to create a healthy lifestyle when life keeps throwing major obstacles in your way. We are all here for you to listen and give support and virtual hugs. I think counseling is a good suggestion. There are organizations in my community that offer free grief counseling. That might be an excellent place to start if you have something like that where you live.

Take care and take it one day at a time. :hug:

Buttercup
07-28-2009, 08:53 PM
:hug:My heart goes out to you. Of course you should let it out on this forum. We are all here for each other and letting things out helps so much with getting on track. You will get back on plan. Make you a priority. All of us tend to forget that. :hug::hug: