30-Somethings - Lonely/at a loss

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Optical Goddess
07-26-2009, 12:24 PM
I'm very aware that this isn't the place for this post, but I can't get into my diet blog and just need to get this out. Maybe someone can relate, maybe not.

I'm 30 y/o and I live in the suburbs of Chicago w/ my husband. I don't have a cell phone. Normally this doesn't bother me but lately I've been attracted to the 'just in case' aspect of one.... then I realised. Do I need a monthly bill to serve as a reminder that I have no one to call me? Not counting solicitors my home phone can go for weeks with out ringing w/ an actual call.

I feel pathetic. This is embarassing. I've lived here for just over 2 years and I have no friends. I golf w/ my husband, I take karate classes, I love my job and I have plenty of hobbies, just no one to share with. I love my husband but I so miss having a girl friend to go get coffee with, or see a chick flick with.

Our neighbors are older and keep to themselves. We do not have kids.
It gets to me sometimes, like now, where I feel like a loser because I'm dependent on my husband for social interaction. I'm not a bar person and the club scene doesn't appeal to me.

But how do I make friends? Short of walking up to someone and asking if they want to be my friend, I don't know what to do.
My work schedule doesn't allow me that many social avenues ( I mostly work from 10 a.m to 8 p.m) On the two days I get done earlier I have karate.

My plan is just to do things that I find fulfilling and everything else will fall into place but it certainly doesn't seem to be happening.

The end.

07-26-2009, 12:38 PM
I wish I had an answer! I dont have any friends where I live either - it does get lonely. I love my husband, but sometimes I want a girl to hang out with. I miss having friends! I dont have any kids either, and so the people that I do know, who have kids, thats their world (which is fine for them, but I dont have kids!!).

Anyway, I dont have any advice, but just wanted to let you know, you're not alone!

07-26-2009, 01:12 PM
I'm not too great at meeting new people either. I still live in my home state and hang out with the people I knew in high school. I made 1 real friend in college. 1 in 5 years! I plan to move to Az in the next year or so and I'm sure I'll be feeling a lot like you when I get there. All I can say is keep getting involved in stuff like your karate. Maybe join a local organization or take an art class. Anywhere that you can meet people and have the oportunity to socialize without it being the weird just walking up to someone and talking situation.

07-26-2009, 01:30 PM
I so feel you! I moved to a brand new town 5 years ago and for 2 years I knew nobody except my significant other. So I started doing things I Liked alone that would bring the aspect of meeting others. I took a class through the university ( a fun one for a couple of weeks) it was cooking and I made a good connection with a lady in my course. Now she's one of my closest friends. I also started going to a book club at the library, just for some interaction other then my now husband.

07-26-2009, 02:35 PM
Is there anyone from karate you could get closer to? Someone from work?

What do you or would you like to do? If you read, maybe a book group through your library? If you do crafts, what about a crafts group? Etc.

Regarding the cell phone, have you thought about doing a pre-paid cell phone? That way, there's no monthly bill, but you have it for emergencies.

Optical Goddess
07-26-2009, 04:06 PM
After I wrote this post, I felt better immediately. I kept it up to see what answers I'd get. I also went to the driving range w/ my husband which helped. My work hours ( 10-8 ) make it difficult to do much, and because I work for a small office, it's important that I'm there. My boss is ok with me leaving early but it just doesn't always happen...if I'm with a patient I'm not going to get up and ditch 'em.

I dig the people I work with, but not to the point of socializing outside of work aside from the occassional lunch.
I was part of a gun club but ended up 'dropping out' because I was the youngest person there by 25 years. Everyone else was retired so thier activities occured during hte day adn during the week.

We've only been going ot karate for about 2 weeks, but are meeting people there. I know it'll all fall in place and that I need to like myself before I can expect someone else to like me.

I'm glad I'm not alone... I have a myspace and a facebook which helps a lot with keeping in touch with people.
There are lots of classes offered thru the park district that I think would be rad but they're at 4:00 p.m during the week...
Ill get by, I know I will... but thanks so much for brightenning my day. :)

07-27-2009, 01:02 AM
I'd say, find someone in your daily life that you'd like to know more about. Ask them questions, and when you find out you both have similar interests, invite that person to do something related to your common interest.

Volunteering is a good way to meet people, too. As long as you are regularly interacting with people in your environment, something is bound to happen.

07-27-2009, 01:14 AM
I'd suggest logging onto the Chicago Reader website and post a free ad looking for friends. Or grab a copy of the Reader and send an ad in. Since I've moved back to the midwest from NY I have the same situation - no girlfriends to hang with. No husband or significant other either. I'm in Wisconsin right now but I'd advertise in the Reader in a heartbeat if I moved back to the Chicago area. Also look on Craig's list. You'll find alot of people in your area that want to meet new friends.

07-27-2009, 01:16 AM
I'm kinda in the same boat too. I am not CONSCIOUSLY lonely all the time (which is a good thing!) but sometimes like you I will think about my life from what someone on the outside would be thinking and it makes me second guess a lot of things. I have many friends who are overseas or in other cities too and the net is lovely for keeping in touch, but as you said, sometimes I just want to go out for coffee or to the shops or just sit on the couch and giggle with a friend.

It does get harder as you get older to extend yourself to new people.

This part is off topic, but Hyacinth I love your avi!!!!! :) Makes me want to burst into "lady of the house speaaaaaaking".

MsDiana 08
07-27-2009, 01:29 AM
try http://www.meetup.com/

maybe take another class, for a hobby, where you can meet other people. Like a wine tasting class.

Maybe some others from this forum live near you.

It is very important that you have your own life and not rely on your husband. You need to have something for yourself. Try to just get out more, be more open minded, try new things, new places.

07-27-2009, 01:39 AM
"But how do I make friends? Short of walking up to someone and asking if they want to be my friend, I don't know what to do."

This is where I get jealous of my children...They walk right up to someone and ask do you wanna play... I have children but I know the feeling it is hard letting someone in... It will fall into place just do the things you love... and remember you are NOT alone in feeling this... I think MOST adults do at some point or another.

07-27-2009, 01:42 AM
Its funny I used to hear people in their mid 30's talk about this happening (where people would drift apart by distance or other things) and never thought I would be in this boat . . . but it happens!!! Its a good thing that I quite like my own company these days :D

07-27-2009, 02:27 AM
Consider an activity that is less structured than karate (not that you need to quit). In order for friendship to grow, there must be downtime when you can talk and get to know someone. An activity that allows for chatting would be great.

What are you passionate about? Is there a way to volunteer a little time and effort towards a cause that moves you? It could be anything from helping single Moms obtain better job skills to serving up food at a soup kitchen. Maybe it's promoting and organization or a sport. Lots of different possibilities depending on what YOU feel passionate about.

Most of my friends I've met through church or volunteer work. However, I'm kind of childlike in that I assume everyone wants to be my friend. You'd be SHOCKED at how often it's true. Everyone wants someone to reach out to them. Don't be the one waiting. If you're willing to stick a hand out, about 80% of the time I find others are willing to grab on.

07-27-2009, 06:07 PM
Hey ! Ive moved quite a few times, and although Im single, (well, my boyfriend lives in another country) I find that the challenge of meeting friends seems to be there independently of marital status.

One thing that has proven to work for me is join a club... I love hiking and mountain biking, so I look up a club in the area and sign up for the hikes and/or the mountain biking events ... and I make a point at going to the after events, like a beer or dinner after the hike... than the friends thing usually happens naturally, after a few hikes...

Maybe there is such a thing for golf ?? Where you can find people to play with ? Or if there are other things you like to do ??

I hope this helps !!

07-27-2009, 06:15 PM
I second MsDiana08 suggestion of meetup.com. I moved to a state where I know no one, I am single, and I work from home! I made the bulk of my current friends from singing in a Sweet Adelines chorus here, but had to drop that when my work schedule changed. The nice thing about people I've met through meetup.com is these are folks that are looking for friends with common interests so easy to fit in even if shy.

Thighs Be Gone
07-27-2009, 06:33 PM
I would say dog parks or church. The meetup groups sound good too. Let us know how things are going! :)

07-31-2009, 09:57 AM
I agree with the volunteer angle for meeting more people.

But let me throw out one quick point: You don't have to just pick someone from one of the groups (work, karate, etc) and walk out on a limb. You can go out on group functions. People at my work have gathered for an at home wine tasting, a movie, a minor league baseball game, and even a drink after work. (not on the same night :faint:)

Point is, it can be less intimidating to have an open invitation to do something then it is to try to single out an individual. And more likely someone might be interested.

08-01-2009, 12:45 PM
I have the same problem. I have very few friends other than work associates. I get together with one woman who is about 20 yrs older than me and all we do is gossip. We really don't have much in common. If I think about some of the friends I have, I really don't like them that much or I don't have anything in common with them. I have maintained a friendship with a woman I met while I was a Guide leader, but I have sat down to think a few times and realize that we have NOTHING in common. She has a teenager (I am childless), she has no hobbies whatsoever (I have many interests), she is so skinny that I am sure she is anorexic (I have 100+ lbs to lose), she complains about everything and is very high maintenance (I am much more easy going) - so it makes me wonder why we are friends at all, we actually only see each other every few months.

I find it really hard to make friends! I live in a small city where it seems really cliquey. I have a neibor who is about 10 yrs younger than me, but I might ask her to go to the movie with me this weekend, she hinted she wouldn't mind going. We'll see what happens

08-01-2009, 02:34 PM
I think a social network is essential to my health. That being said, when I went off to college, I had many acquaintances, but few good friends,and I only stayed in touch with one sporadically (esp. after babies). My best friend from college recently died, and that was pretty tough. I will say that all my life experience to date supports my theory (?) that two or three best friends is all I really need. It's great to have more friendly acquaintances, but at least two true confidants are essential for me.

I stay in touch with friends through Facebook, but also telephone, and F2F meetings.

I find that my online support networks help me feel connected to others, but can't replace F2F interactions.

I have a TracFone and Skype. I don't get *many* calls, but it's quality over quantity.

8/2 edit
So, I guess I didn't say anything about how I made friends. In college, it was through classes, eating in the cafeteria, student government, and clubs. But life in college is a *lot* about socializing.

Outside of college, I've made friends through volunteer work and support groups.

Shrinking Girl
08-02-2009, 12:50 PM
I highly recommend meetup.
I don't know what area of the chicago burbs you're in but I know my sister lives in Elgin and the meetup group she's in is incredibly active and she's made just a bunch of friends through it and before that she was in the same boat as you... only not married and without a boyfriend. She had some pretty low times! However, she's become just way more social through meetup and they do things all the time.

08-02-2009, 12:58 PM
I understand how you feel. Last July I moved from the place I had lived 21 years (Tennessee) to New York to live with my boyfriend. I don't really get out, even to do shopping unless it is for clothes. I know absolutely no one here but my boyfriend and yes, it does get to be lonley and even depressing at times.

Here's a hug from me to you :hug:. Hang in there.

08-14-2009, 10:31 AM
I joined a book club and have made a few friends I also took up a art class, I was like you as well, I don't think it's you people tend to see full figured women and they just stay away, that gets me so frustrated to bad society can't change their views about full figured women.

08-15-2009, 01:20 AM
Sounds like a bunch of fun. :)