Weight Loss Support - unsupportive boyfriend




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170starting
07-21-2009, 03:21 PM
Hello fellow chicky-poos...

I am feeling rather disheartened. My boyfriend (A marine who has been in shape his entire life--is in better shape than I am and he is 14 years older) is trying to sabotage me. I know he is not trying to but he "doesn't see why I want to lose weight, he likes how I look now." I had an eating disorder for 6 years and he knows that... so now that I am not eating a lot throughout the day (snacking) he is convinced that I am sick.:(

So, now he forces me to eat in front of him (which I have a problem eating in front of anyone because I feel like I am being judged). He wont let me go to the bathroom until an hour after I eat... He has not been a controlling person until now. He doesnt see that I DON'T LIKE LOOKING LIKE THIS. I am so so sad.


Onederchic
07-21-2009, 03:28 PM
Uhh..okay this is mind boggling to me. How come he can force and control you so easily? This disturbs me and quite frankly I won't post what is in my mind for fear of crossing a line.

I will just say good luck with your goals.

Hugs
Michelle

cfmama
07-21-2009, 03:47 PM
wow. GET OUT NOW. That is controlling and manipulating behavior at it's FINEST. Wow.

I wish you the best of luck with it. What a hard hard situation to be in.


DCHound
07-21-2009, 03:53 PM
That's emotional abuse and can quickly escalate into physical abuse. Get out now. Here's more info: http://www.ndvh.org/ Seriously, that is not normal behavior, you are a strong, powerful, beautiful woman and you deserve a lot better than that.

JayEll
07-21-2009, 03:55 PM
Well, I don't think your boyfriend needs to monitor your behavior--but I can see why he might be concerned.

I'd suggest that you find a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders. This is a relatively new specialty, but they are out there. He or she can help you come up with a program that will both help you lose weight and avoid triggering any ED behavior. Your doctor is a good resource--and local clinics and hospitals may also be able to give your some names of accredited people.

Share that you are doing this with your boyfriend--to help reassure him that you are being healthy in your approach.

Good luck! Don't be sad!
Jay

170starting
07-21-2009, 03:56 PM
Thank you, ladies. I don't think he is intentionally being abusive, though... It's my fault for being sick before... had I not been sick, he wouldnt be this way

bitetoobreakkskin
07-21-2009, 03:57 PM
:::::HUGS:::::

im so sorry you're going through this!! and as hard as it might be to read, i hope you follow the advice of our fellow chickies (getting out of the relationship)...i have a friend who has not been able to get away from her verbally/mentally/and physically abusive boyfriend, and its tearing her apart..i hope you find the inner strength you need to get away from this-and until that happens-i will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you..i look forward to reading abt the success i KNOW you will have :) keep your chin up honey-we're always here for you!

JayEll
07-21-2009, 03:57 PM
170starting, I was posting at the same time you were! See above... :)

Jay

Altari
07-21-2009, 03:58 PM
I am going to say this from the perspective of someone who is anorexic. You didn't "have an eating disorder for 6 years". You have an eating disorder NOW. Eating disorders are like alcoholism. You have it for life.

My husband has done the same things. He has forced me to eat (by putting a plate in front of me and standing there until I eat it). It seems controlling and counterproductive, but once the fog of having "control" of what I eat passes, I've seen that he was doing what was in my best interest. Your boyfriend may be seeing the ED tendencies reemerging and may be attempting to help prevent a complete relapse.

However, you really need to step back and analyze his behavior. The boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is much different than the husband/wife one. While his behavior may be in your best interest, it may simply be the beginning of a truly controlling, manipulative and ultimately abusive relationship. I'd suggest thinking carefully about the other things he does.

bargoo
07-21-2009, 04:00 PM
Thank you, ladies. I don't think he is intentionally being abusive, though... It's my fault for being sick before... had I not been sick, he wouldnt be this way

You are making excuses for him. I agree with the other ladies, this is abuse.....after this , what ? I think you had better rethink this situation, this is not healthy. You are a grown woman with a perfectly good mind and can and should make your own decisions.

SamanthaJubilee
07-21-2009, 04:01 PM
Okay...so were you bulemic or anorexic?

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does that?

I don't think you should be "just snacking" but I'm not your doctor. My advice is that you should eat 5 to 6 small MEALS a day. I like to use a salad plate as my dinner plate. That way I greatly reduce the amount of food I eat, yet I still eat what I like...just make it in healthier ways now.

170starting
07-21-2009, 04:03 PM
Okay...so were you bulemic or anorexic?

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does that?

I don't think you should be "just snacking" but I'm not your doctor. My advice is that you should eat 5 to 6 small MEALS a day. I like to use a salad plate as my dinner plate. That way I greatly reduce the amount of food I eat, yet I still eat what I like...just make it in healthier ways now.

Unfortunately, I was burdened by both. If I didnt think I could get rid of something, I didnt eat it.

170starting
07-21-2009, 04:03 PM
Okay...so were you bulemic or anorexic?

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does that?

I don't think you should be "just snacking" but I'm not your doctor. My advice is that you should eat 5 to 6 small MEALS a day. I like to use a salad plate as my dinner plate. That way I greatly reduce the amount of food I eat, yet I still eat what I like...just make it in healthier ways now.

Unfortunately, I was burdened by both. If I didnt think I could get rid of something, I didnt eat it.

CamiToo
07-21-2009, 04:05 PM
I'm with cfmama. Get out of the relationship ASAP. Your body is your own. NO person has the right to control your eating habits or to "force" you to do anything.
I also have a few choice words for him regarding his attempts to control your bodily functions. If you have to use the bathroom, use it regardless of what he says! Your doctor would tell you the same.
You say you had an eating disorder in the past. You also say you now want to lose some weight. You're the only person who can control these things by making sure you eat enough healthy calories to nourish your body while also balancing the food you eat with proper exercise. But again, the decisions you make regarding your body and your health are YOURS to make, not HIS!
The bathroom thing is still making me want to curse his ears off!

SamanthaJubilee
07-21-2009, 04:10 PM
Cami - have you ever had an eating disorder?

Elladorine
07-21-2009, 04:13 PM
I don't think he is intentionally being abusive, though... It's my fault for being sick before...
Don't ever let yourself think it's your fault.

Honestly, I think you both need counseling. Good luck to you. :hug:

CLCSC145
07-21-2009, 04:14 PM
I don't agree that it's necessarily abuse. It sounds to me like a very misguided attempt at trying to look out for your well being. I would let him know that it's unacceptable for him to monitor you like he has been. But I would also seek out help as JayEll suggested. Perhaps if he knew you were taking positive steps to ensure the eating disorder does not rear its ugly head, he wouldn't feel so compelled to do it for you. Additionally, if you think this relationship is worth preserving, counseling for both of you could only help. You two need to work on trust and control in a big way.

SamanthaJubilee
07-21-2009, 04:14 PM
Unfortunately, I was burdened by both. If I didnt think I could get rid of something, I didnt eat it.

Okay, so I understand better why he wants to watch you eat and make sure you don't go throw it up. However, I do feel like it might be a little much with the approach he is taking. I can understand how he feels...he wants to protect you & this is the only way he knows how.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MAJORITY WHO SAY TO LEAVE HIM.
Until you go through the agony of trying to help someone with an ED then you really can't understand just how hard or how bad things can be. I honestly do not believe he is trying to control her...I think he is just trying to prevent her from going back down that road. As someone said earlier....it is just like alcoholism or beind addicted to drugs...you will always have an ED...

I do think that he needs to be aware of how his actions can be viewed, but the both of you need to work on this. He isn't trying to keep you from being a healthy weight, he just doesn't want you to go through the **** you went through those 6 years!

kittycat40
07-21-2009, 04:16 PM
It sounds like he is both worried and afraid. But he is bullying you. It is not your "fault" for having an ED. It is what it is. Sounds like you and he need to talk about boundaries.

You are in a difficult spot b/c ED can lead to secret behaviors and I wonder if he knows that. Was he your bf 6 years ago?

boundaries.
good luck and stick around. :)

Fat Pants
07-21-2009, 04:19 PM
I am going to say this from the perspective of someone who is anorexic. You didn't "have an eating disorder for 6 years". You have an eating disorder NOW. Eating disorders are like alcoholism. You have it for life.

My husband has done the same things. He has forced me to eat (by putting a plate in front of me and standing there until I eat it). It seems controlling and counterproductive, but once the fog of having "control" of what I eat passes, I've seen that he was doing what was in my best interest. Your boyfriend may be seeing the ED tendencies reemerging and may be attempting to help prevent a complete relapse.

However, you really need to step back and analyze his behavior. The boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is much different than the husband/wife one. While his behavior may be in your best interest, it may simply be the beginning of a truly controlling, manipulative and ultimately abusive relationship. I'd suggest thinking carefully about the other things he does.

Ditto this - from someone who was also bulimic and anorexic (but mostly bulimic). My parents used to do the same. Any going to the bathroom after a meal was very suspect - and for good reason. It seems to me that he wants to help, but he doesn't know how to do without trying to "control" what goes in (and what might come back up). :hug:

Do seek therapy, if you haven't already. Altari is right - you've got this for life, unfortunately. It's been 5 years since I sought help and 6 out of 7 days of the week, I still struggle with those feelings. But you can learn to lose weight in a healthy way.

Have you thought about talking to your boyfriend about what he does? My guess is he just feels clueless in how to help. What was do you think he could help and not come across as forcing or monitoring?

170starting
07-21-2009, 04:20 PM
Okay, so I understand better why he wants to watch you eat and make sure you don't go throw it up. However, I do feel like it might be a little much with the approach he is taking. I can understand how he feels...he wants to protect you & this is the only way he knows how.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MAJORITY WHO SAY TO LEAVE HIM.
Until you go through the agony of trying to help someone with an ED then you really can't understand just how hard or how bad things can be. I honestly do not believe he is trying to control her...I think he is just trying to prevent her from going back down that road. As someone said earlier....it is just like alcoholism or beind addicted to drugs...you will always have an ED...

I do think that he needs to be aware of how his actions can be viewed, but the both of you need to work on this. He isn't trying to keep you from being a healthy weight, he just doesn't want you to go through the **** you went through those 6 years!

I can see that perspective as well. I will try talking to him about it tonight. Thank you all for the advice. :hug:

170starting
07-21-2009, 04:28 PM
Ditto this - from someone who was also bulimic and anorexic (but mostly bulimic). My parents used to do the same. Any going to the bathroom after a meal was very suspect - and for good reason. It seems to me that he wants to help, but he doesn't know how to do without trying to "control" what goes in (and what might come back up). :hug:

Do seek therapy, if you haven't already. Altari is right - you've got this for life, unfortunately. It's been 5 years since I sought help and 6 out of 7 days of the week, I still struggle with those feelings. But you can learn to lose weight in a healthy way.

Have you thought about talking to your boyfriend about what he does? My guess is he just feels clueless in how to help. What was do you think he could help and not come across as forcing or monitoring?

He was not my boyfriend six years ago. My LOVING :dz: parents decided that it would be a good idea to fill him in on my past...including showing him pictures of what I used to look like (and wish I was still that tiny). Again, He is 14 years my senior. I am almost 24... he is 38 so I have a feeling he is trying to do a fatherly type of thing.

Yes, I have been to therapy. I gained A LOT of weight when I stopped all that. I was 128.5 ...I reached 173. I know I am not a teenager anymore and that I dont need to look like one... but I also dont need to feel this way either. And he is sweet when he says he likes how I look now, and sincere. but.... I don't feel that way. I know I won't be satisfied with myself until some of this weight is gone.

thinpossible
07-21-2009, 04:32 PM
Your boyfriend is under the impression that he can control /cure an eating disorder, much the same way the boyfriend of an alcoholic might hide his girlfriend's booze. You need to make it clear that there is nothing he can do to prevent a relapse. Explain that you are not comfortable at the weight you are, and show him that at your goal weight you are still withing normal limits of your BMI. Tell him what your absolute lowest weight is, and that you plan to lose no more than that. If he is still concerned, then you probably need to see a counselor. Monitoring your behavior that closely is not acceptable, you are a grown up.

SamanthaJubilee
07-21-2009, 04:34 PM
RobinLee - YOU have to be happy with yourself at a HEALTHY weight!

With your ED you are probably going to need to seek out a therapist who is specialized in that area - mostly due to the fact that seeing yourself at a healthy weight with an ED...you don't see yourself as "healthy" and still want to lose more weight. It is a control issue.

I wish you nothing but the best! If you can afford all of it, I would suggest also seeing a nutritionist for a healthy meal plan and also you are probably going to need to lose weight at a much slower rate so that you don't get overly controlling with your food or exercise. You can't replace one addiction with another. In this case, slow but steady wins the race!

We are here for you!

CamiToo
07-21-2009, 04:44 PM
Cami - have you ever had an eating disorder?

Actually I was trying to edit my post after I hit the button. I'll clarify my position by answering your question.
Yes, I have an eating disorder. You don't get to be morbidly obese by not having one. And my version of an eating disorder can cripple and kill, just as an anorexic's can.
I was harsh with my first reply to this thread. And I regret that to an extent. But I still believe that no person has the right to control another, no matter the reason.
He has the right to say "I want a woman I can eat dinner with." He has the right to say "I'm not willing to watch you destroy yourself with your eating habits. You need professional help or I'm gone." Saying these things is simply stating what he needs out of the relationship and what he can or can't live with.
But he does not have the right to stand over her and FORCE her to eat. He does not have the right to tell her she can't urinate or defecate after eating if her body says she needs to do so. She did not say he won't let her go PURGE after dinner, she said he won't let her use the bathroom. Again, if he thinks she's purging, he can ask her to get professional help. If she chooses not to, it's his choice to stay or leave.
And I truly hope that she manages to be at a healthy weight where she also feels good about herself. We all deserve that.

jendiet
07-21-2009, 04:44 PM
sweetie, I have been down the same road ED wise. I wouldn't eat anything I didn't think I could get rid of. I want to tell you at 5'6 you are at a healthy weight of 158. You are not fat, you could lose a few lbs and still be healthy...if that's what you want.

your snacks throughout the day could be the 5-6 mini meals. Just make sure you get at least 1200--and you have no worries about anorexia. If you are eating 6, 200 cs snacks a day--you are fine!

I agree your bf is being a little obsessive, but he is older and acting like a loving parent--who would monitor your eating behavior very closely. He doesn't have to treat you like a child though. Thank him for his concern, and then reassure him you are making healthier choices in your life to prevent relapsing into your EDs.

170starting
07-21-2009, 04:46 PM
Actually I was trying to edit my post after I hit the button. I'll clarify my position by answering your question.
Yes, I have an eating disorder. You don't get to be morbidly obese by not having one. And my version of an eating disorder can cripple and kill, just as an anorexic's can.
I was harsh with my first reply to this thread. And I regret that to an extent. But I still believe that no person has the right to control another, no matter the reason.
He has the right to say "I want a woman I can eat dinner with." He has the right to say "I'm not willing to watch you destroy yourself with your eating habits. You need professional help or I'm gone." Saying these things is simply stating what he needs out of the relationship and what he can or can't live with.
But he does not have the right to stand over her and FORCE her to eat. He does not have the right to tell her she can't urinate or defecate after eating if her body says she needs to do so. She did not say he won't let her go PURGE after dinner, she said he won't let her use the bathroom. Again, if he thinks she's purging, he can ask her to get professional help. If she chooses not to, it's his choice to stay or leave.
And I truly hope that she manages to be at a healthy weight where she also feels good about herself. We all deserve that.


:hug:

Fat Pants
07-21-2009, 04:48 PM
He was not my boyfriend six years ago. My LOVING :dz: parents decided that it would be a good idea to fill him in on my past...including showing him pictures of what I used to look like (and wish I was still that tiny). Again, He is 14 years my senior. I am almost 24... he is 38 so I have a feeling he is trying to do a fatherly type of thing.

Yes, I have been to therapy. I gained A LOT of weight when I stopped all that. I was 128.5 ...I reached 173. I know I am not a teenager anymore and that I dont need to look like one... but I also dont need to feel this way either. And he is sweet when he says he likes how I look now, and sincere. but.... I don't feel that way. I know I won't be satisfied with myself until some of this weight is gone.

Ugh..sucks about what your parents did! When I met my husband, I was on the tail end of finishing up therapy, but it was certainly up to me and my choice to tell my then-BF about what I was dealing with. Your story sounds a lot like mine - I also gained weight about a year after I stopped therapy. I understand about gaining all the weight. I was down to 125 as well and went up to 213. It's hard to look at those photos of when DH and I first met and I weighed that little. My DH too has always said he likes how I look, always calls me beautiful, but when you don't see yourself that way, it's very hard. :hug:

SamanthaJubilee
07-21-2009, 04:51 PM
sweetie, I have been down the same road ED wise. I wouldn't eat anything I didn't think I could get rid of. I want to tell you at 5'6 you are at a healthy weight of 158. You are not fat, you could lose a few lbs and still be healthy...if that's what you want.

your snacks throughout the day could be the 5-6 mini meals. Just make sure you get at least 1200--and you have no worries about anorexia. If you are eating 6, 200 cs snacks a day--you are fine!

I agree your bf is being a little obsessive, but he is older and acting like a loving parent--who would monitor your eating behavior very closely. He doesn't have to treat you like a child though. Thank him for his concern, and then reassure him you are making healthier choices in your life to prevent relapsing into your EDs.

Jenn, I get what your saying, but she needs healthy foods (not just snacks) and her calories should not be that low. 1200 is too low and can lead to dangerous teritory. I say consult an ED specialized doctor and get their professional opinion on how many calories you should consume and keep that as a guideline, but don't make it a "mission" - which is something I'm sure the DR will tell you. Good luck!

We all care...some people might have harsh statements to make, but we all truely care!

170starting
07-21-2009, 04:53 PM
Ugh..sucks about what your parents did! When I met my husband, I was on the tail end of finishing up therapy, but it was certainly up to me and my choice to tell my then-BF about what I was dealing with. Your story sounds a lot like mine - I also gained weight about a year after I stopped therapy. I understand about gaining all the weight. I was down to 125 as well and went up to 213. It's hard to look at those photos of when DH and I first met and I weighed that little. My DH too has always said he likes how I look, always calls me beautiful, but when you don't see yourself that way, it's very hard. :hug:

Yeah, it is definitely something I wish would go away completely. Since an eating disorder is a mental disorder; I was declined from the Sheriffs department when I was 21-- and will never be able to re-apply because of the ED. It has prevented me from doing so many things in life and I hate when they bring it up to people, despite the fact that it is because they are concerned. :/

Fat Pants
07-21-2009, 05:11 PM
Yeah, it is definitely something I wish would go away completely. Since an eating disorder is a mental disorder; I was declined from the Sheriffs department when I was 21-- and will never be able to re-apply because of the ED. It has prevented me from doing so many things in life and I hate when they bring it up to people, despite the fact that it is because they are concerned. :/

I understand. When I was 23 and went off my parent's insurance and tried to get my own, I was denied by one insurance company because of the ED... despite the fact that it had been 2 years since completing therapy. There are consequences of those choices that I will carry with me for the rest of my life (had to have my gallbladder removed from the rapid weight loss, cavities, etc.)

But you know what? Even though you may have reminders of it for a long time, the fact of the matter is, you should be very proud of yourself for having the courage to go to therapy, address the issue and continue moving on with your life. Your BF probably does not know how to help - right or wrong, it's causing you a lot of stress. He sees you restricting and my guess is, based on his military background, is acting how he knows best, and maybe out of fear. I hope you get to talk to him and together you can both come up with a good way to allay his fears and help you feel more comfortable around him. Best of luck!

thisisnotatest
07-21-2009, 07:02 PM
There isn't nearly enough information the roughly 10 sentences of the original post to determine anything-no less abuse. We have no idea what type of behavior you are exhibiting in front of your boyfriend. We don't know your personality, or his.

I can understand that you feel disheartened and sad, as I guess you don't feel you are getting the support you need.

But really, a professional is better equipted to assist you with your eating disorder and opening the lines of communication between you and your boyfriend, then if necessary, advising you on if you are infact dealing with abuse.
Good luck

SunshineCA
07-21-2009, 08:27 PM
Hi RobinLee:

Thanks for posting this thread. Doing this has not only helped you but has touched many others as well. Looks like you've received very good advice thus far. In addition to talking to your BF, you need to have a sit-down with your parents as well. Although they too may be concerned about you, they don't need to air out your ED past with everyone at libeerty. If you decide to go to counseling, they need to be included as well.

I'm wishing you the best! :hug:

sacha
07-22-2009, 11:48 AM
I don't think it is abuse, I think he is terrified that you will relapse into an eating disorder. People with eating disorders often relapse and explain their behaviour as trying to get "healthy". Now, plenty of people with eating disorders can begin to eat healthy and lose weight properly, but for loved ones, how do they know the difference? When someone has a mental illness such as an ED, they become very good at hiding destructive behaviours.

Plus, men in the military often go about things in a controlling manner. I know, I work in law enforcement and so does my DH. His training method (I am learning Olympic lifting) reminds me of the screams from academy fitness training. It's brutal, but it is how they do it.

I do think he loves you but he is going about it the wrong way. Perhaps you should explain to him that although you are well aware that you have (not HAD - alcoholics are always in recovery as well) an ED, you are not wanting to relapse but want to go on a healthy path - but that you are willing to speak to a doctor about the proper way of going about it.

He seems terrified that you are going to harm yourself. It's not abuse, it sounds like he is trying to keep you from abusing yourself.

Tomato
07-22-2009, 12:43 PM
I am not qualified to determine whether this is abuse although it does appear to me as such. I am leaning towards what Sacha said. However, I also worry about you trying to accept the blame for HIS behaviour. I think you need to seek the help of a dietitian (who specializes in ED) AS WELL as a therapist.

Good luck to you.

KatieBell28
07-22-2009, 05:14 PM
Good Golly. I hate all this abuse talk being thrown around. I don't see that AT ALL.

I see a military type approach to making sure you do not relapse into your ED. Granted, it's a little heavy handed and a bit of an overkill.. but him being a Marine, I completely understand where he would get that from. Especially if he is career!

In fact, I think it's more good than bad that he is that concerned over your eating habits. Almost like an intervention for an addict!

Anyway, you have gotten fabulous advice so far honey bunny. I'd agree with seeing a dietitian, and I'd recommend taking your boyfriend with you so he can also hear what amounts are right for you.

He might think you should eat more than you should!

Good luck :)

beerab
07-22-2009, 07:41 PM
If you feel what he is doing is NOT productive for you and is making you feel worse- than you need to ask him to please stop. Yes he's right to be concerned, but it's like the parent of the fat kid saying "stop eating fatty" then wondering why their kid has self-esteem issues- they THINK they are helping but in reality they are making it worse.

I'm sorry but no one can sit me down and force me to eat- if my hubby did that I'd throw the plate in his face and walk away- you aren't a child. Yes you had issues in the past, but him treating you this way (abuse or not) is not productive IMO.

Talk to him- tell him you appreciate his concern, but this is not the way to help you. If you are overweight and need to lose weight he has no right to tell you "you look fine" when you aren't happy. YOUR happiness is what is important when it comes to your body- not his. As long as you are doing things in a healthy matter and are trying to get at a healthy weight- then he needs to back off a bit.

I also agree with Katie- having him go with you to a dietician might help him help you and ease his fears.

170starting
07-23-2009, 07:53 AM
If you feel what he is doing is NOT productive for you and is making you feel worse- than you need to ask him to please stop. Yes he's right to be concerned, but it's like the parent of the fat kid saying "stop eating fatty" then wondering why their kid has self-esteem issues- they THINK they are helping but in reality they are making it worse.

I'm sorry but no one can sit me down and force me to eat- if my hubby did that I'd throw the plate in his face and walk away- you aren't a child. Yes you had issues in the past, but him treating you this way (abuse or not) is not productive IMO.

Talk to him- tell him you appreciate his concern, but this is not the way to help you. If you are overweight and need to lose weight he has no right to tell you "you look fine" when you aren't happy. YOUR happiness is what is important when it comes to your body- not his. As long as you are doing things in a healthy matter and are trying to get at a healthy weight- then he needs to back off a bit.

I also agree with Katie- having him go with you to a dietician might help him help you and ease his fears.



I am so happy you brought this up. His youngest daughter is 13 and she is a little heavy in the mid-section but no where NEAR fat. He yells at her for eating more that one slice of pizza, or finishing a subway sandwich, or drinking a soda...etc see the pattern? I have sat down and talked to him about him giving her a complex and self esteem issues and he says "I am just helping her so she doesnt have to deal with other people." I understand that but the approach he is taking is not good. :( She is about 5'0'' 106 pounds and the only thing that is a little bigger is her tummy... I think it is baby fat because she still hasnt started her cycle.

Altari
07-23-2009, 09:57 AM
I am so happy you brought this up. His youngest daughter is 13 and she is a little heavy in the mid-section but no where NEAR fat. He yells at her for eating more that one slice of pizza, or finishing a subway sandwich, or drinking a soda...etc see the pattern? I have sat down and talked to him about him giving her a complex and self esteem issues and he says "I am just helping her so she doesnt have to deal with other people." I understand that but the approach he is taking is not good. :( She is about 5'0'' 106 pounds and the only thing that is a little bigger is her tummy... I think it is baby fat because she still hasnt started her cycle.
That sounds terrible, and it IS terrible but as a previous poster mentioned, it's a very military style approach. If something is wrong you "just fix it", lol. My grandfather [career military] used to nag me about what I was eating. "Don't take that much", "your pants are getting tight", "have some fruit instead of cake", etc. There's abusive controlling and then there's military controlling. I honestly believe the majority of military men aren't doing it to have "control" of the person they are ordering around. They seem to think that if they say it loud enough, often enough the reality will eventually sink in.

Moralia
07-23-2009, 11:23 AM
Okay, so I understand better why he wants to watch you eat and make sure you don't go throw it up. However, I do feel like it might be a little much with the approach he is taking. I can understand how he feels...he wants to protect you & this is the only way he knows how.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MAJORITY WHO SAY TO LEAVE HIM.
Until you go through the agony of trying to help someone with an ED then you really can't understand just how hard or how bad things can be. I honestly do not believe he is trying to control her...I think he is just trying to prevent her from going back down that road. As someone said earlier....it is just like alcoholism or beind addicted to drugs...you will always have an ED...

I do think that he needs to be aware of how his actions can be viewed, but the both of you need to work on this. He isn't trying to keep you from being a healthy weight, he just doesn't want you to go through the **** you went through those 6 years!

I agree with this 110%... sounds like he's trying to save you from yourself...

Like others suggested, I'd see a nutritionist and go from there... If your bf sees you losing weight the healthy way I bet he'd back off...

Good luck to you!!

bargoo
07-23-2009, 11:26 AM
At 5 feet and 106 pounds this is no where near overweight. This man has control issues . A Marine is always a Marine 24/7 . A Marine always completes his mission. Marines do not fail., etc. Remind him that you and his daughter did not enlist. If this is not abuse it certainly is controlling. Your own statements " he forces me " or " he won't let me " and yelling at his daughter. Stand up for yourself . Do not allow yourself to be treated like this. You deserve better.

wednesdaymorning
07-23-2009, 06:03 PM
It really just sounds like he's concerned. Very concerned. And, being a marine, these are the tactics he's used to. You need to talk to him and make him listen to your side of the story.

That was just from reading the first post. He really sounds like a overpowering guy with the daughter story. Again, make him listen.

Amany
07-23-2009, 10:48 PM
I'm in the minority on this, I think. I think the boyfriend's heart is in the heart right place, but he's not going about things the right way. I also think that he's just frightened that the woman he loves is trying to harm herself.

Maybe the thing to do is to take him along if you visit a nutritionist. Or, if you are going to follow a diet, let him read the literature that outlines the plan. I do agree, though, that you can't allow him to make you eat in front of him and then keep you from going to the bathroom. Even though he probably means well. He's going to have to trust that you are eating and not purging. He also has to accept that how much you weigh is not up to him. It's your choice.

LuvMyMr
07-24-2009, 02:07 PM
Uhh..okay this is mind boggling to me. How come he can force and control you so easily? This disturbs me and quite frankly I won't post what is in my mind for fear of crossing a line.

I will just say good luck with your goals.

Hugs
Michelle

I agree with this. Good luck.

heartface
07-25-2009, 01:51 PM
It seems to me that your boyfriend is just trying to make sure you do not slip into your old eating disorder.
He got hasty.
That's all.
I see absolutely no control issues there.
I feel that he is GENUINELY concerned.
But you do need to woman up and tell him you have things under control.
Tell him you will update him if you feel yourself slipping.
COMMUNICATE.
And about his daughter.
The way he's being with her is how 95% of all men act with weight stuff.
Guys usually aren't really in tune with these things.
They just think, stop what you're doing and you'll be fine.
And of course, if it were just that easy.
I am rambling.
He is just being a normal not in the know guy about these things.