Weight Loss Support - Why can't he be supportive?




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Beck
07-18-2009, 10:32 PM
Ugh. My dh was a complete a$$ today. We went to the park with the kids, I went walking, he and the kids played soccer. I walked for 40 minutes out of the hour I wanted to walk then asked him to join me because I was getting bored. He joined me, but then started running circles around me as I walked- it's too lame for him to walk- he's a runner. Way to be encouraging. :( Then I started talking about how badly I want to lose the weight, and that he's lucky that with 2 overweight parents he was able to make the right choices and keep relatively fit (he'll gain 5-10lbs and lose it quickly). He went off on a tangent about how it has nothing to do with luck and went on to attack me and make me feel like a complete loser. When I said that that sort of attitude makes me want to go and eat myself into a stupor his reply was, "I don't know how to support you." He can't think of anything encouraging to say? He can't tell me that I can do it, that I'm working on it right now, that I'm strong enough to overcome my demons? I left the park crying. I hate the feeling that I want to punish him with my fatness when he treats me badly. :mad::mad:


TJFitnessDiva
07-18-2009, 10:37 PM
Yes he was a complete a$$!! OMG I'm fuming after reading what he did and said.

I would have tripped him...then again I'm mean ;)

owensmommy4
07-18-2009, 10:41 PM
How terrible!! you CAN do this with or with out his support, just remember to do it for you and not anyone else!!


Onederchic
07-18-2009, 10:59 PM
This has me so upset I can't even formulate a decent response yet but I will say that you can do this and you deserve to do it for you and you have all us chickies supporting you :hug:

CharlieJune
07-18-2009, 11:48 PM
That must have been so painful, Beck. What you said about punishing him with "Your fatness" was profound. I can't count the number of times I have went on a self destructive binge when someone hurt my feelings in an almost "I'll show them" manner. We have to love ourselves enough to recognize that when someone who doesn't understand this battle hurts us or angers us, it's THEIR problem-not ours. I have a sign hanging in my classroom that says "Apathy is NOT an option." Sounds like your husband needs to read it. Hang in there, Beck. Tomorrow will be better.

Glory87
07-18-2009, 11:56 PM
Then I started talking about how badly I want to lose the weight, and that he's lucky that with 2 overweight parents he was able to make the right choices and keep relatively fit (he'll gain 5-10lbs and lose it quickly). He went off on a tangent about how it has nothing to do with luck a:

Well, he should have told you you COULD do it. But he's right - it's not luck. And one day, you will be able to say the same thing. Hopefully, you'll be able to say it in a more constructive way. I'm a slender person, with one obese parent. It has nothing to do with luck, just my hard work!

FitFabFiftyFive
07-18-2009, 11:57 PM
Hugs for Beck!

You can do this, and when the day comes that you're running ahead of him, will be the day we all shout hooray!

I'm lucky my husband has been very supportive, although hes lost his weight faster than me and has reached his goal, is still encouraging and tells me which bits look good.

But I did have an upsetting conversation with my sister that drove me to eating out and comfort food took over. Something I still have to work on.

We're here for you Becks, we'll keep going together.

Pita09
07-19-2009, 12:38 AM
I'm sorry you dh wasn't supportive with you and didn't say the things he should have said. Perhaps he thinks he is being supportive, or he wishes he knew how to be supportive in a way that would help you. It's so hard sometimes to communicate our feelings and it gets so complicated when it's about something as personal as weight. You feel frustrated and unheard.

Would it work if you were to write a letter to your husband? I know for me it helps so much to put my feelings, wants, needs, ect. onto paper where I can self edit my words and make sure that I'm being as clear and concise as possible. Would your husband read such a letter from you? If you can get him to see things from your view point, without him feeling attacked, then maybe he will gain an understanding he is lacking right now.

I hope it all works out for you. :hug:

mandalinn82
07-19-2009, 01:26 AM
I'm very sorry that was his response. It was rude, and I would tell him that.

But you CAN do this. And even if you don't have his support, you do have ours. And in weight, you make your own luck...and you have the power to do it.

:hug:

paradoxx
07-19-2009, 05:45 AM
Um... Please take this as the friendly, outside view that it was meant as. First, DH was definitely behaving in a very hurtful manner. Running circles around you, etc, when you are working hard is cruel and childish. With that said, I just wanted to mention that your own responses might be escalating the situation. When you tell a person that their attitude makes you want to behave in a very self-destructive manner, it puts them on the defensive and people who feel like they are under attack often say very cruel and hurtful things. You might want to try focusing on what you WANT him to say. You could explain that it would be helpful to you if he would be encouraging and remind you that you can do this.

Madison
07-19-2009, 06:23 AM
I'm sorry, but was he raised with wolves or with people? Not sure how that type of behaviour is meant to be supportive or encouraging (which I have always thought the role of a spouse was?).

I just want to echo what everyone else said - he may not be supportive, but we are.

Also, I have had many times in my life where I have said eff you to the world by eating . . . and all its done is eff me up - food is never the solution for anything other than hunger.

Hope you are feeling better.

Stella
07-19-2009, 07:07 AM
I hate the feeling that I want to punish him with my fatness when he treats me badly. :mad::mad:

Hm. This is probably not a good start for weight loss, as it obviously matters greatly to you.

I don`t know whether it works for you, but here is how I have addressed this issue for myself: I have decided to punish mine by *losing weight without his support*. When people start noticing and ask how I`ve done it I will tell them that I did it all by myself. And if they ask me what hubby says I will tell them "nothing". And if they ask me whether he has supported me I`ll repeat: "No, I achieved this all by myself" and "Yes, it was hard to do w/a support at times, but it made me all the more determined and my achievement all the more precious!"

I`m prepared to say this in his presence and know that it will embarrass and disappoint him that he won`t get any of the credit. Yet, he won`t be able to argue because he does not deserve any!

Stella

seagirl
07-19-2009, 07:31 AM
Ugh. My dh was a complete a$$ today. We went to the park with the kids, I went walking, he and the kids played soccer. I walked for 40 minutes out of the hour I wanted to walk then asked him to join me because I was getting bored. He joined me, but then started running circles around me as I walked- it's too lame for him to walk- he's a runner. Way to be encouraging. :( Then I started talking about how badly I want to lose the weight, and that he's lucky that with 2 overweight parents he was able to make the right choices and keep relatively fit (he'll gain 5-10lbs and lose it quickly). He went off on a tangent about how it has nothing to do with luck and went on to attack me and make me feel like a complete loser. When I said that that sort of attitude makes me want to go and eat myself into a stupor his reply was, "I don't know how to support you." He can't think of anything encouraging to say? He can't tell me that I can do it, that I'm working on it right now, that I'm strong enough to overcome my demons? I left the park crying. I hate the feeling that I want to punish him with my fatness when he treats me badly. :mad::mad:

You can't change him or his responses. You can only change how you react to him. Yes, he was rude but I also see a lot of "poor me" and passive aggressive behavior here.

If he's running circles around you, you can say "Hey, babe, if you want to run why don't you run on ahead, it's distracting to have you circling me and I'm fine on my own."

Keep your focus on your weight loss, without making excuses for why it was easy for him.

When you said "that that sort of attitude makes me want to go and eat myself into a stupor his reply was, "I don't know how to support you." " What did you want his response to be after you essentially said that he was the one making you fat because you wanted to eat yourself into a stupor. Imagine an alcoholic talking to someone and saying "your attitude makes me want to drink myself into a stupor" or someone who cuts telling their spouse "that makes me want to cut myself to shreds." Not productive behavior, and not the behavior of someone who wants to change for themselves.

If he's telling you that he doesn't know how to support you, you need to let him know how. I'm assuming that you love this man (and that he loves you) and that are planning on being with him for a while. If you are both on the same team, act like it. Tell him: "Here's how you can support me: walk with me every once in a while, tell me I'm doing well, listen to me when I talk about my struggles, call me on it when I'm being passive aggressive or using my eating as a drug or a weapon."

If I'm wrong in my assumption that you love him and he loves you, then that's an entirely different issue all together....

JayEll
07-19-2009, 08:00 AM
I tried to read this from both sides... and the thought I had was that he actually did think he was supporting you.

Guys have a style of communication that is more like lecturing sometimes. He wanted to tell you that it wasn't luck and give you a pep talk, but how it sounded to you was that he was scolding you.

He probably was telling the truth--he doesn't know how to support you. You have to tell him. Make it clear without an angry discussion. Tell him that his style of pep talk has the opposite effect on you, and that what you want him to say is exactly what you said above.

And another thing--don't invite him to walk with you because you are bored. Find a walking buddy if you need one, preferably a girlfriend?

Good luck! Hang in there! Ultimately you have to be your own support in this.

Jay

bacilli
07-19-2009, 09:08 AM
If he's anything like my DH, he really *doesn't* know how to support you unless you tell him. You wanted him to come keep you company, he probably didn't see that running circles around you would be irritating. Then you said he was lucky that he pretty much maintains a healthy weight. Yet you said he comes from a family that doesn't make the best food choices, and he's a runner - that doesn't seem like luck, it seems like he works at it. When you get to maintaining, if someone said you were lucky to be your goal weight you would probably want to correct them too.

It doesn't seem to me that he was trying to be hurtful, rather he just doesn't know what you need from him. TELL him, calmly and rationally what you need from him. Do you need him to slow down to your pace? Do you need him to push you? Do you need him to celebrate the small victories? Once you tell him what you need, you may find he's a lot more supportive than you think.

Beck
07-19-2009, 09:58 AM
Thanks for all your heartfelt and truthful responses.

I know that my reaction to him wasn't healthy, but this just seems to be an ongoing trend with him and my weight. He and I agreed on a 10lb weight loss challenge recently. I told him the other day that I was nearing the goal, and instead of congratulations he said, "It's easier for overweight people to lose the weight faster; it'll take me longer." That comment made me feel like it wasn't such a big deal, it's really easier for me to lose the weight because of my size and not anything that I actively changed.

As far as the luck comment- I know that he's made good choices, but at the same time he also tries to sabotage mine. He'll do one of two things when I'm trying to eat right: he'll bring home junk food for himself or kids and try to test my willpower it or he'll drink my Slim Fast and eat the specific foods I've bought for myself to have on hand so I don't eat crap (and with 6 kids it's not easy to just jump to the store for more).

We've been married nearly 13 years and together for more than 17. I feel bad enough about my weight; I don't need him to make comments and do things that add to that shame. Yes, I've tried to tell him exactly what I need from him to help me along, but I guess he just doesn't get it.

Thanks for the support everyone. I didn't eat myself into a stupor. I finished out my exercise at home on the bike (and then some!), and regained my motivation here.

dragonwoman64
07-19-2009, 11:32 AM
Hey, Beck,

I read your and everyone else's posts. Losing weight can be so complicated without dealing with all the issues that other people around us have about our losing weight (and maybe even their losing weight). Was your husband in sports in school? some of his behavior made me think of guys on sports teams, or how coaches may have treated them. (maybe the military?)

I would have no idea if he's trying to sabotage you or just being dense, or a combination maybe. I would guess he probably doesn't know how to be supportive in the way you need, and you may be extra sensitive to what he does and says (which is completely understandable), and he does sound like he sometimes crosses the sensitivity border into obnoxious land, imho, and it's good you call him on that.

My bf and I have stuff too. He does not need to lose weight at all. He brings home chocolate, devil dogs, loves sausage, spam (yes, I said spam, heh heh). He'll say, "if you want to eat it, eat it!" when I'm feeling weak (which doesn't help, because then I do. On the other hand, he's been supportive about lots of things too, went with me to the gym for the first few times, helps me with the exercise. Gives me pep talks and reality checks.

I know he has insecurities about me losing weight (other guys finding me attractive, leaving him, etc.). Now I'm much more active and social.

I've had to learn to assert myself and work around the "sabotaging" issues. I've been with him so long, that our ways of interacting as a couple have their own deep grooves -- and part of that is grocery shopping, cooking, eating. The changes are ongoing, and we're both adjusting!

Really, congrats on not turning to food and turning around the situation so you felt positive again about what you're doing and taking care of yourself.
Good luck with everything!

CharlieJune
07-19-2009, 11:43 AM
Beck, I can relate to your husband bringing junk food home and eating your healthy snacks. My husband does this as well--I wonder what's up with that? My husband is usually very supportive but sometimes I wonder if he is insecure enough to fear that maybe, just maybe THIS time I will lose weight and what then? I think sometimes we need to reassure them that we are trying to lose weight so we can spend even more of our lives with them. I wonder how many spouses engage in this kind of behavior and may not even be aware of it? At any rate, I'm so glad you beat the urge to binge!! Congrats!! Have a beautiful day.

QuilterInVA
07-19-2009, 12:24 PM
How would you have felt if he asked you to run with him? Would you do it? He tried to walk with you. The only one you punish with your fatness is yourself. You belittled him when he said he worked at keeping his weight off but then cried because he didn't support you. Do you two not communicate? Why can't you sit him down and calmly with no tears, tell him how he could support you. In the end, weight loss is only on your shoulders, not anyone around you. It's great when you have support, but the lack of support is not a reason to be fat.

JayEll
07-19-2009, 12:26 PM
Buy so much of the SlimFast and healthy foods that there is no way he can eat it all. Hide some of it if you can, so that he can't cut into your supply. If he complains, say "I bought enough for both of us since obviously you like it, too."

Jay

p7eggyc
07-19-2009, 12:31 PM
Beck,
Sounds like a hard day but you did a lot of things right. You were exercising. Maybe the next time he is being obnoxious about the running vs. walking thing, remind him that the calories burned are the same no matter how fast you do it. Mass/Distance = calories burned. I hate the idea of anyone telling you what you are trying to do isn't 'enough' because it is. Getting up and walking for an hour is a true effort and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And wow, you rocked the challenge of stress/emotional eating yesterday. If you are any sort of a journal keeper, I would take note of that and how it felt and what you thought.

That being said, I am single but have been hanging around with people in the process of changing their lifestyles and it seems nearly universal that SO's don't get it. Part of it I think is that the process is so personal with so many variations that it is nearly impossible to get someone else that does it the way you do or thinks you should. Part of it is what dragonwoman is talking about in terms of years of habits and their own insecurities. Maybe you've done things in the past to try and change your lifestyle/weight and things haven't gone well and he has all his own fears/frustrations/worries that he is dealing with.

All of that is to say maybe he is not the best place to vent/share your feelings/frustrations/ issues with at least now. You will move through a lot of things in the upcoming weight loss period and some of them will be confusing to you, confusing to him, and will change on a dime. If you are using Beck, LOTS of things will probably change and even though they will be for the better, change is stressful. You obviously can't do that in a vacuum and it's going to impact him and your relationship so you might need to look outside of your marriage for some support that is all your own. That can be here or another online community. That can be with a professional counselor or health lifestyle coach. That can be with a friend IRL (although many of the same issues come up there so maybe more of an acquaintance vs your BFF). That can be with a trainer or registered dietitian. I encourage you to look at what team you need to build to support you and your family.

Hugs and hope your Sunday is much more pleasant and hope you and DH are able to connect in a special way today to help heal things from yesterday.

Peg

chickiegirl
07-19-2009, 01:01 PM
Two things come to mind: One, don't punish him with your fatness, as you say. That's only punishing you and holding you back.

Two: My boyfriend saw me binge, gain, lose and never stay committed. This time I decided I needed to find alternate sources of support because I didn't need to feel that "how long are you really going to stick with this?" vibe from him.

I told my mother how important the support from her was and she stepped up with lots of encouragement. I came here and posted and read and got support that way too.

Seeing me consistently drop for a few months, my boyfriend has become more supportive and more complimentary, so he did come around.

I guess my point is, he is your husband but he is not helping. For now, is it possible to look for alternate sources of support rather than put yourself in a position where you need it from him? He's being ridiculous and you don't want his negativity bringing you down.
:hug:

beautifulone
07-19-2009, 01:21 PM
First of all, that seems like a really tough situation to find yourself in. I'd feel really hurt if that was the nature of my SO's responses towards my weight loss :(. So I really empathize.

It sounds like he doesn't get it, or like there is something greater (fear, insecurity perhaps?) that is blocking him from "getting it". Especially if he is otherwise a wonderful partner and able to provide emotional support in other areas, in ways that meet your needs.

I agree whole-heartedly that it's essential to find support somewhere, from people who you know will encourage you, support you, and celebrate your successes right along with you :). Ready to cheer you on and hear you out. If you know, as much as it hurts, that your husband isn't the person for that, then it may be better not to put yourself in situations where he'll do the opposite. Maybe he can be that person down the road, perhaps he has a learning curve ahead of him as to what you need through this process, or maybe there are greater factors at play here than that. But whatever the case is, it helps to set yourself up for success, and that means choosing to surround yourself with people who will be positive with you :)

He and I agreed on a 10lb weight loss challenge recently. I told him the other day that I was nearing the goal, and instead of congratulations he said, "It's easier for overweight people to lose the weight faster; it'll take me longer." That comment made me feel like it wasn't such a big deal, it's really easier for me to lose the weight because of my size and not anything that I actively changed.

It sounds like you wanted him to congratulate with you and support you in your accomplishment (which is completely understandable :)), but given that he is also in this and is "competing" with you, he was looking out for himself. Maybe he feels that by acknowledging your success, he is "losing" the challenge. Just a thought..

Thighs Be Gone
07-19-2009, 01:43 PM
I agree about telling him what you need.

Secondly, I have to tell you this with all respect intended. Do not look for him (or anyone) to do anything for you. Don't wait for him or anyone to give you what you need to succeed. Give yourself those things. It took me a LOOOOONG time to get to the point I am with this.

I also agree that, in your description, he sounds santimonious and arrogant. I also realize there are two sides to every story and I am sure there are plenty of things he does you love. Day to day try to focus on those things for now. And of course, focus on you and your health. Let nothing else come before your nutrition, sleep and exercise. Nothing and no one.

ennay
07-19-2009, 02:47 PM
He tried to walk with you.

No he didn't. I'm sorry, I am a runner and I have yet to lose my ability to walk or run at a slower pace to share their company. Trying to make "would you run with him" equivalent is b.s.

Beck - if you do want him to walk with you emphasize that you want to share some TIME together, dont talk about exercise, dont talk about weight. If he starts to run say "hey we are out here to be together, stay with me" It sounds like the best solution with him is to not bring the subject up EVER. Dont compete with him. Dont talk about success or failure with him. He has shown he is incapable of support in this area. And find a place to hide your healthy snacks.

JulieJ08
07-19-2009, 06:33 PM
How would you have felt if he asked you to run with him? Would you do it?

Is that a joke? You can't just up and go running without training for it.

Onederchic
07-19-2009, 06:36 PM
My 2 cents -

No, he was not being supportive, in my opinion. He was being an ***. Did you go a little overboard with your reaction? Perhaps...again, these are just my opinions. Had my boyfriend acted that way, I would kick him in the ding ding then walk circles around him, chanting a happy little diddy as he lay writhing in agony...but once again, that's just me :D


Hugs
Michelle

Beck
07-19-2009, 08:22 PM
Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts and input.

I had a talk with dh this morning about all of the unsupportive things I'd felt he'd done this week in regard to my weight loss plan. He apologized and agreed that he should have done things differently, and I agreed that I shouldn't take things to heart so easily. I rode the exercise bike for half and hour this morning, then we went out to a lake to canoe with the family. We went from there to a sprinkler park and dh watched the kids while I walked. I'm planning on another 30 to 45 minutes on the bike after the kiddos go to bed. We had a lovely day, and I'm glad to have spoken to him early in the day so not to have that baggage dragging with us.

I know this is something I need to do for me, but it's not just for me. It's for my kids, and yes- it's for my dh, too. I guess I just want him to realize that aspect of if. I have lots to gain from losing the weight, but he also has lots to gain from me losing it- a wife that has more confidence, is healthier, has more energy to do things with him and family, a wife that is attractive to him again, etc...

Oh- and someone commented about team sports or military- you hit it. He was in the Israeli navy, so he can be a little, I'm not sure what the right word is, stern - maybe?

I'm really glad to have found this forum. I tried in January to enlist my mother in losing weight together, but she wasn't that enthusiastic. We had plans to weigh in every Tuesday (The Biggest Loser night), watch the show, and call one another when we needed a boost. She never even got a scale for weigh-ins and rarely exercised. None of my heavier IRL friends want to lose weight. It seems they've all just come to accept their weights.

Thanks for cheering me on.

Mrs Snark
07-19-2009, 10:03 PM
I'm glad you had a productive talk with your husband and a wonderful day!

Good job on fitting in all the exercise today, way to go!

jendiet
07-19-2009, 11:03 PM
Sweetie, first of all I want to give you a hug for the rough day you were having.

Then I have to tell you. I don't think hubby was being mean. Childish yes. But I have an idea that he is very playful and that childish light side of him is what attracts you to him.

it is annoying when the same things that attract us to our mate--also ANNOY us about them.

He most likely was telling you the truth. Guys really have no clue when it comes to how to handle it when they see us trying to change ourselves. They are afraid if they support US TOO MUCH, they will be giving the message

"yes! Thank God you are changing already! I was hoping you would" OR
"NO. I don't want you to do this at all. You don't have to change anything" and come out as total liars to us.

I proudly announced to my SO today that I had lost 20 lbs since I started trying to lose this year. He seemed impressed. So I said (knowing I was setting him up for a lose-lose situation for a guy) "Honey have you not noticed Jen Jen was shrinking?"

so he grabbed my back fat and said "buy you're still squishy, so it's ok. It would not be good for all the squishy to go away".

I was upset that he undermined my weight loss again by grabbing my fat roll! But I realize he is attracted to my softness, and he doesn't want to feel like he's holding himself at night.

Yeah, I would have been annoyed. I would have said.

"Would you walk with me darling. I am getting dizzy. Let's hold hands."

SunshineCA
07-19-2009, 11:12 PM
Wishing you the best of luck with your weight loss efforts. Keep it up no matter what or WHO gets in your way. The obstacles and challenges may come but you are armed with the power to push through, around, over and under them!! You can also post here and we'll help you too! :hugs:

Fat Pants
07-20-2009, 09:47 AM
Is that a joke? You can't just up and go running without training for it.

Yes you can. How do you think I started running? :p I put one foot in front of the other and ran until I was out of breath.

JulieJ08
07-20-2009, 10:42 AM
Yes you can. How do you think I started running? :p I put one foot in front of the other and ran until I was out of breath.

Obviously, you start somewhere. But you can't keep up with someone already trained. Unless you like injuries. You're deliberately missing the point.

chickiegirl
07-20-2009, 10:58 AM
Had my boyfriend acted that way, I would kick him in the ding ding then walk circles around him, chanting a happy little diddy as he lay writhing in agony...but once again, that's just me :D

Feels so wrong to laugh but ... :lol::lol::lol::lol:

Onederchic
07-20-2009, 11:50 AM
Feels so wrong to laugh but ... :lol::lol::lol::lol:


Hahahaha, laughter is a great thing :D :rofl: :hug:

Missunderstood
07-20-2009, 12:31 PM
Sounds like a bad day in highschool gym to me. If I were you I would approach him and say "a weight battle is an emotional roller coaster and when your life partner mocks you for taking a step in the better direction it sends you 12 steps backwards. Instead of crying anymore for your lack of support and your juvenile tendencies, I am angry, and will lose this weight for myself and only myself and maybe from this you will gain some perspective too."

Even if you choose to keep quiet, just remember only you can control what you eat and how you treat your body. Join a local group of walking women, and if you don't have one, create one! Show yourself you can do this, because you can.

cosmogirl
07-22-2009, 10:10 AM
Hes probably just saying to you what he wanted to say to his parents, he probably doesnt understand that just because he didnt end up like them its not that easy for everyone, and most people need encouragement and support. My bf used to think it was as easy as "eating less food" and didnt understand how i could be hungry all the time, now hes gained weight and an apetite hes eating his own words aswell as everything else in the house.

but the point is dont take it personaly its more to do with him and his issues hen any reflection on you as person, yes i know this is easier said than done, but maybe rather than expecting him to change his opinions, which if he developed them growing up will be VERY difficult to change, look to other places for support (like here). Besides in general its alot easier to talk to someone in the same boat rather than expect some kind of inspirational advice from someone who doesnt have a clue.