Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - Weight loss and attitude towards cute guys?

So....I've lost 30 pounds so far. I have a VERY solid build and even at my highest weight at 251 still wore a size 18. The flip side of it is that while my friends can lose 10 pounds and go down a size. I have to lose 20-30 pounds to go down a size. ANYWAY, I've never lacked attention from guys even at my heaviest. I think it's because my weight is distributed primairily in my boobs/hips/thighs so I guess I never looked as big as for instance my friend who is more of an apple shape. BUT I find now that I am losing, any time a cute guy approaches me it's like I have this attitude towards him because I think to myself 'yea would you have wanted me 30 pounds ago?' So now it's like, I am stereotyping them because I think they are shallow for wanting me now and some of them would not have wanted me say 4 months ago (not all of them but I can't differentiate from the ones that would or would not have). Do you all experience these same feelings? :?: Psychologically I think part of the fear is let's say I get with this attractive guy and two years from now I gain back weight, he'll dump me and jet in a heartbeat.:( So I tend to feel this loyalty towards the guys I've dated in the past and have the sense and wanting to be with them because I know they wanted me/loved me then and still do now.

Wow Deana...your post really touched down with a personal situation that I am going through right now. My husband and I are separated currently after 7 years of being together, it was my decision and he is still trying to get me back. Anyway...my point being is, I am down almost 35 pounds and am getting a lot of looks and compliments from different men and the thing that I keep going back to is...my husband loved me and accepted me at my highest weight and now I have all these extremely good looking guys (even a fireman...woohoo, lol) and I have the same thought process. It also makes me rethink my decision with my marriage.

Wow...sorry, I got off track but I just want to let you know I can totally relate.

OMG I am so with you.

My bf (who has been with me thru this all) I can tell brags about me more, shows me off more... and I'm bitter! I just am!

I tell him so, and he says honestly, yes, I look better than I ever did, and he wants to show me off more, he's proud of me, he thinks I look so hot... etc... and of course my mind goes to the opposite: so you weren't proud of me before, you were ashamed to be seen with me?? etc etc etc

I try to look at my weight loss like new pretty hair or new boobs or something... nothing wrong with enhancing yourself, and you can't blame your bf for paying extra attention to something so new and fun for him (ie new boobs = new body, whatever)

But I still get so bitter and give guys SUCH attitude. Guys are coming out of the woodwork, guys I've known for years and have stayed in touch with, but now they're trying really hard to see me, hang out, be friends... it's so obvious. I hate it. I cringe when a guy friend tells me I'm so hot... they never said that before... should I be annoyed? I don't know.

The first time I ever lost a significant amount of weight, the new attention I got from guys scared me. I'd never even been on a date in my early 20's, and all these guys came out of the woodwork to compliment me.

Where were they before? :p

it happened to my friend, well there was a time in her life that she had put on some pounds, and she carries a fat picture of herself, and she Will pull it out now and then if a guy liked her and asked them if they would date her, she told me many times they always went ewww no way would I date a Fat cow. she would get up put the pic away and tell them before she walked away that it was her, she said the jaw would drop and try to back peddle as fast they could. She wanted someone she could trust.

luckylindy I totally understand what you mean. There's a loyalty factor to the guys that loved us when we weighed more. I don't know. I can't shake this feeling, and I never used to look at attractive guys that way before. But now all I think about is how shallow they probably are and would probably leave me if I ever gained weight again. It's frustrating. But I hope you make the right decision regarding your marriage, one that you can be sure is the right one for you.

it happened to my friend, well there was a time in her life that she had put on some pounds, and she carries a fat picture of herself, and she Will pull it out now and then if a guy liked her and asked them if they would date her, she told me many times they always went ewww no way would I date a Fat cow. she would get up put the pic away and tell them before she walked away that it was her, she said the jaw would drop and try to back peddle as fast they could. She wanted someone she could trust.

Wow! I don't know if I could get away with that because my face always looks the same lol I gain all my weight in my hips/a$$/thighs!!! But it's definitely very telling of the mentalities out there... That is the same kind of man that will cheat on you when you gain weight to carry his child. UGH!

Sirenity--same here. No attention for years, then bam! Seems so unfair.
Deana--very true about the baby weight gain. That's my fear now.

I've got a lovely new bf, but he's only seen me post-weight loss. What if I gain it back? Or if we have kids and I put on baby weight? Definitely some trust issues to sort out there...

I definitely agree w/ the sort of resentment towards attention from men in general. Really don't know how to respond to comments/looks/etc. At first I was so flattered and thrilled! Now that the shock has worn off, I'm a little annoyed. Best response I've found is to just smile and not take it too seriously--it's a shallow compliment, but hey, at least it's a compliment!

Oh yeah, highly agree. 160 lbs ago, I didn't get near the attention I get now. So I just them oogle and what not and go on about my business like they don't exist either.

Ok I don't think its shallow at all!

Guys are visual creatures. And attraction is different from love. You are initially attracted to the way someone looks. Then you are attracted to their personality. Then you fall in love. Love has staying power......attraction is just the beginning.

Why would you look down on someone for appreciating the way you look when YOU are appreciating the new way you look.

It seems to me that looking down on these guys is just as shallow.

Guys care about how you look, however if its real gaining weight won't change the way they FEEL about you. My husband loves me and appreciates the way I look but still encourages me lose weight and stick to my goals. He has also mentioned that he is glad I am doing this because he has worried about me ending up like my mom who is 70+ lbs overweight. That isn't shallow, just the truth.

I've never come close to reaching my goal so I haven't experienced this first hand. However, it is something I've often thought about. I want to lose weight so guys will like me but do I want the guys who only like me because I've lost weight? It distressed me for a long time. But i've finally decided to look at it like this: You can not deny human nature. Physical attraction is part of human nature. It may suck, but many people are not attracted to bigger women (or men for that matter). If you look around the room you do not choose to approach the person you are least physically attracted to with the mindset of "well I bet he's got a stellar personality." (Not implying that you were the least atractive person in a room, but I know I often feel that I am) In a line-up of 10 men whom you do not know, all you have to base attraction on is appearance. Now if it's someone who knew you before the weight loss and is suddenly attracted to you, well that's a stickier situation. It could be that he's shallow, or it could be that you put off negative vibes before that have now turned positive. Confidence is sexy and as we lose weight we gain confidence. So don't assume every guy is shallow. You're looks likely aren't the only thing that's changed.

it happened to my friend, well there was a time in her life that she had put on some pounds, and she carries a fat picture of herself, and she Will pull it out now and then if a guy liked her and asked them if they would date her, she told me many times they always went ewww no way would I date a Fat cow. she would get up put the pic away and tell them before she walked away that it was her, she said the jaw would drop and try to back peddle as fast they could. She wanted someone she could trust.

I think she's just conducting a stupid test. How stupid do you have to be to answer like that, no matter who's in the picture? Maybe a guy can learn to appreciate a woman no matter what she weighs, but he's stuck being stupid.

The thing is . . . is that we don't want to be seen for our fat or even for our "thin," we want to be seen for who we are. And it's hard for people to see who you really are without getting to know you. And unfortunately, people will let physical appearance get in the way of knowing someone.

I've lived in the same building for a while now and have seen my "hot" neighbor a handful of times. He never said a WORD to me. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in many months until the other day in the elevator. I was all sweaty after having worked out and felt sort of weird, you know. Well, he was all smiles and joking around with me. When he asked which floor I lived on, and I was like, um, the same one as you (idiot!); he looked sort of dumbstruck, like, OH, you're the fat chick who lives next door? It was awkward, to say the least. So yesterday he knocked on my door to ask if I wanted to come to a party he's having next week! A part of me feels flattered, but a bigger part of me feels sick.

I happen to live in a country that attracts a lot of foreign men who come here just for sex and girls who will date them for their money (and not expect much else), so I've almost written off dating; but now that I LOOK different, I'm getting more attention from guys who I'm pretty sure are creeps. But I know I shouldn't be so judgmental. It's so hard to tell who is decent and who isn't.

I definitely agree with the nature of attraction and you can't choose who you are attracted to. But regardless of my weight (I had only been "large" for 4 years out of my almost 30 years on this Earth), I have always dated ALL kinds of men. When I was a size 6, I even dated a guy that was over 300 pounds. Yes, I was still attracted to him but my attraction is not limited to weight. I guess that is where I have this 'attitude'. It's one thing to say, hey I'm attracted to a woman with a great smile or redheads or whatever, but to completely discount someone b/c of their size and then suddenly when they lose weight they are the best thing since sliced bread? And then it leads back to my other question. What happens if that person gains weight? Whether it's b/c of pregnancy, or a medical condition or just not eating properly? I have so many friends that were always small, I mean SMALL (i.e. size 0 and 2's), and they got pregnant, went up to a size 10 (GASP!!!) and call me crying b/c their husbands tell them they are "big" and need to lose weight. We aren't talking about obese people here!!! Maybe this is my own sick sense of vindication but now I find that I rather give the 'average joe' a chance than the 'hot athlete', b/c I have these preconceived notions about the 'hot athlete'. It's a double standard, I agree but it's just how I feel.

And again I find myself being so drawn into the guys that I KNOW 100% loved and cared for me at my biggest, at my smallest, and now that I am inbetween. It's a sense of loyalty I feel towards them, and comfort knowing that they would be there no matter what.

I was going to post this very same topic. Yes, I know exactly how you feel! It's like you become sympathetic to the Fat You. You get angry at the guys who are now chasing after you because they weren't around (or around as much) when you were bigger.

I am going through this every day now.

But, I do also agree with the person that said it's probably not just your weight that's changed. Your attitude and confidence have probably changed as well...and *that* is extremely attractive to people. I try really hard not to be judgmental towards guys who are giving me (more) attention now. But, a part of me will always be protective of Fat Me...and that part tends to get angry at these guys...

Well, I've always been fat. And I've never been in a relationship. I guess I should put two and two together, but geeze - it's hard to admit that my physical appearance keeps the boys away!

I've kinda stayed in the shadows and really held back because of my weight. I wasn't the girl in school who got asked out - I was the girl who got picked on. The girl who couldn't run that fast in gym, so NO ONE wanted me as a partner. The girl who was afraid to eat lunch, because she felt everyone was judging her food choices..

And even now, I have no luck with men. I really feel like I have a good personality, but it just never works out for me.

When I lost a significant amount of when I was 17 or so, my best guy friend at the time referred to me as “hot” and when I asked why he had never referred to me as that before he replied that not only had my body changed, but the way he saw me did. It kinda ticked me off, but then I realized the rest of the world was the same. He wasn’t particularly shallow, but he wasn’t the deepest river in the world either!

I didn’t have boys like me when I was a kid like all the other little girls did because of the way I saw myself. When I started liking me for who I was that changed. Since then (which I guess was about when I turned 15 or so) I had boys pay attention to me and I always felt awkward about it. I’ll be 23 in a month and I am still just as awkward when it comes to the attention of men. I don’t get hit on ALL the time, but it does happen and I don’t know how to react. Part of me is asking the question of whether or not they like me for my dazzling personality (LoL) and aren’t all that attracted to me physically, or if they might be a chubby chaser or something.

And then there is the “nasty voice.” The nasty voice in my head that asks whether this guy feels sorry for me or if he is pulling some kind of joke. And the nasty voice also judges the guy. The nasty voice seems to think that there is something wrong with this guy because he can’t see all of the flaws that I can plainly see. That EVERYONE should be able to see. I guess we are our own worst critic. This is something that I am working on.

So I can totally relate. The way the world perceives us in unfortunately directly related (and in some cases solely based upon) our looks. But confidence does have a lot to do with it. Dating to me is risky business, but if you find a guy worth taking a risk on then consider yourself lucky. I haven’t been able to find him yet! I always think of a quote from the show Sex and The City “The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

hahahaha about the stupid test! =0) I'm curious if it will change things for me. I have this problem. I am the "chum". Twice now Ive become really close to a guy (to the point where we are hanging out constantly) and then i fall for him and try to flirt and he gets freaked out and so i back away and then he is upset because he "misses" me and "we have so much in common" and "have so much fun together" but he still only wants friendship and i say "well, then, what are you looking for in a woman if it is not those things?" and things get wierd and eventually we lose touch in real life and become merely "facebook friends". This has happened with 2 different guys.
It's possible my weight loss will mean nothing to those guys. but i cant help wondering...what if?....and....if so: what would I do about it? get annoyed? shrug it off and date them anyways?

I totally, totally know what you mean...

When I lost weight a year or so ago, I definitely started getting more attention from men. And, of course, that's flattering...at first. But one thing that I noticed was that I never really felt like these guys KNEW me. Because I've struggled with weight and have been overweight for such a large part of my life, and because they had never seen that side or seen that struggle, I felt like they only knew the surface. It causes a lack of connect.

And of course it's offensive to girls who have struggled with their weight and have never gotten a second look to all of a sudden have men calling and whistling and asking them out when they drop some pounds. It's almost dehumanizing. The message it sends is: "You're only worth getting to know if you're thin." Um, ouch?

Okay. I too can attest to this. But I personally feel differently. I don't think my weight ever prevented anyone from finding me attractive -- I think my demeanor did. I assumed because I was overweight no one would find me attractive, so as a result I took very little care in my appearance. I wore baggy, lifeless sweaters and sweatpants, and I moved around practically exuding insecurity. NOT exactly attractive, so in a way it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, so to speak.
When I started losing weight I got more confidence in my appearance. I started to wear cuter clothes and more jewelry and even some makeup. I looked like I CARED about my appearance, and I was finally acting confident instead of insecure. I HAVE had 2 guys be interested in me since I hit a normal BMI (not that that really helps me... I'm a lesbian), but I honestly DON'T think it's that I lost weight, so much as it is that I now make myself look attractive by putting pride in my appearance and having confidence in myself. Losing weight can do that for you, but it's not necessarily the weight loss that makes you look more attractive, but more the way you choose to present yourself to the world.
But don't forget that there's nothing wrong with weight loss making you more attractive too! It DOES. I DEFINITELY find normal weight girls more attractive than overweight girls... it's nothing personal, just what I'm attracted to. It's not necessarily shallow. I still wouldn't want to date someone who's thin but I don't get along with on a deeper level, but if you're not sexually attracted to a person to begin with, your relationship won't be able to get very far. It's as simple as that, so try not to take it too offensively. Appearance and sexual attraction are more like a starting point, and it's after that that things start to get deeper.

Ok I don't think its shallow at all!

Guys are visual creatures. And attraction is different from love. You are initially attracted to the way someone looks. Then you are attracted to their personality. Then you fall in love. Love has staying power......attraction is just the beginning.

Why would you look down on someone for appreciating the way you look when YOU are appreciating the new way you look.

It seems to me that looking down on these guys is just as shallow.

Guys care about how you look, however if its real gaining weight won't change the way they FEEL about you. My husband loves me and appreciates the way I look but still encourages me lose weight and stick to my goals. He has also mentioned that he is glad I am doing this because he has worried about me ending up like my mom who is 70+ lbs overweight. That isn't shallow, just the truth.

I agree with this, and what megwini said, although it's not pleasant to really think about, it's the truth. Some men and women are attracted to fit, thin people, it's not wrong, you can't help it, but it's the same as liking Indian men or blonde women, etc. It's what you like and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm dating someone who is attracted to both skinny and fat girls, it's nice because I'm still viewing my weight loss as temporary, I want to be thin but I'm not sure I have what it takes to get all the way there and stay there. But at any rate, it's not just men who feel this way, I have a skinny friend that prefers chubby men and I have always prefered skinny men (not even muscular, but skinny).

OMG I am so with you.

My bf (who has been with me thru this all) I can tell brags about me more, shows me off more... and I'm bitter! I just am!

I tell him so, and he says honestly, yes, I look better than I ever did, and he wants to show me off more, he's proud of me, he thinks I look so hot... etc... and of course my mind goes to the opposite: so you weren't proud of me before, you were ashamed to be seen with me?? etc etc etc

I try to look at my weight loss like new pretty hair or new boobs or something... nothing wrong with enhancing yourself, and you can't blame your bf for paying extra attention to something so new and fun for him (ie new boobs = new body, whatever)

But I still get so bitter and give guys SUCH attitude. Guys are coming out of the woodwork, guys I've known for years and have stayed in touch with, but now they're trying really hard to see me, hang out, be friends... it's so obvious. I hate it. I cringe when a guy friend tells me I'm so hot... they never said that before... should I be annoyed? I don't know.

Just recently I was wondering how I would feel if my bf starts acting different when I lose weight. I can't help but think that I'd be a little ticked off too. I mean, he's great now... I just wonder if he'll change a little.

Just recently I was wondering how I would feel if my bf starts acting different when I lose weight. I can't help but think that I'd be a little ticked off too. I mean, he's great now... I just wonder if he'll change a little.

When I lost weight previously my boyfriend at the time changed too... but not in the show you off kind of way. He started buying me all kinds of sweet treats and junk food as gifts, despite knowing I was trying to lose weight. My new confidence made him insecure and he said he worried I would want someone else now that I was thinner...

This time around I am not dating anyone... I've had offers from guys but I am putting off dating because I want to be happy with myself before I add another person into the mix.

I also believe that guys are “visual people” thats why they notice physical appearance first. Its frustrating but in the long run, you need more than looks to keep your man.

When I lost weight previously my boyfriend at the time changed too... but not in the show you off kind of way. He started buying me all kinds of sweet treats and junk food as gifts, despite knowing I was trying to lose weight. My new confidence made him insecure and he said he worried I would want someone else now that I was thinner...

This time around I am not dating anyone... I've had offers from guys but I am putting off dating because I want to be happy with myself before I add another person into the mix.

I can definitely see that happening with him. In the past when I'd tell him I was on a diet, he'd insist that I eat (usually shakes and chips) This time, I've kind of isolated myself from him just so that I can get back into the swing of being on a diet.

I've lived in the same building for a while now and have seen my "hot" neighbor a handful of times. He never said a WORD to me. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in many months until the other day in the elevator. I was all sweaty after having worked out and felt sort of weird, you know. Well, he was all smiles and joking around with me. When he asked which floor I lived on, and I was like, um, the same one as you (idiot!); he looked sort of dumbstruck, like, OH, you're the fat chick who lives next door? It was awkward, to say the least. So yesterday he knocked on my door to ask if I wanted to come to a party he's having next week! A part of me feels flattered, but a bigger part of me feels sick.



i'd go to the party looking fan-freakin-tastic! you never know who you might meet there ;) and you can always ignore him like he used to ignore you.

megwini - I have to agree with you, when you lose the weight and love yourself more, it totally shows.

I am starting to love myself, I haven't dropped a lot of the weight I want, but the bit I have I've noticed that Im already appreciating myself more . . . it really is an amazing feeling.

I can't help but wonder what will happen with my son's father, he's very much a visual person, always has been BUT after being friends with him for a year we started a relationship, and I was no where near at my goal weight. I know he was attracted to the person rather than the body. We aren't together now, we are still as close as ever, but it makes me wonder if the reason it didn't work out was because of how I looked at myself rather than how he looked at me.
And Wow . . . that's the first time I've ever felt comfortable enough to say that out loud, as out loud as typing can be :)

A part of me is very concerned with how guys will react to me when I reach my goal weight. I have lost weight before and found guys were more interested in talking with me, and I felt bad about it because... why didn't they want to talk to me at my highest weight? If they just care about how I look, how could I live with a person like that?

And a part of me understands, because I know I don't care about myself as much as I would if I lost weight. It's sad, but true. I don't buy myself new clothes, I don't do my hair nice (stuff it in a bun/ponytail & forget it), I don't wear make-up. I wear sports bras instead of hubba hubba bras, and all of that. I have such low confidence at my high weight that I don't even look around when I go out. So how would I even know if I got "the look"?

So I figure, yes, some guys are totally shallow. But there have to be some good ones out there. I might do that thing where I keep a picture of myself at my highest weight in my purse and see their reaction... I dunno yet. I have a long way to go again, but.. when I get there, I'm sure I'll look up this thread again. (HI Skinny future me!!) =)

In high school I was all boo hoo I'm fat and boys don't like me, and I really do think that made a difference. I looked at pictures from when I was a freshman in high school, and honestly I was around 180-200 lbs. I wasn't that fat... and I WAS pretty. I'm convinced that either some guys liked me but never had the guts to say anything, or they were just put off by my own lack of self-confidence and self-worth. Once I get down to 180-200lbs again, I'm pretty confident that I will see more male attention than I did when I was a freshman in high school, and the only difference will be my attitude. But I am happily taken by a fellow that got with me when I was 260lbs, and still thought I was sexy when I was 300+lbs.

I have to admit, it would be nice to know that other men find me attractive, even if there's no way I would consider leaving my husband. It's like a validation of some sort? My husband sometimes talks about how he had this girl like him and that girl like him, and I just end up feeling like a total loser because he was the only guy that ever really showed much interest in me. Maybe I should feel special because out of all the girls he could choose from, he picked me. But I picked him as much as he picked me, as much as I sometimes fear other people might think that I was just desperate. We truly had a connection and I enjoyed being with him. He was everything I ever hoped for.

Although I will say that when I was around 240 - 260lbs and got on myspace, I had a ton of guys messaging me saying that I was hot and they wanted more pictures of me (which was pretty obvious what they were looking for and I never responded to their requests), and I was by no means thin. That was kind of an ego boost like, hey, I guess I am pretty. Isn't that what every girl wants, shallow as it is?

I have been a plus size girl for a large majority of my 45yrs. However, I have had an incredible sense of confidence. Charge it to my parents always telling me how smart and wonderful I was. So I was always able to pull a hot guy. One of my friends always asked me how I got them and I told her it was easy. I did an experiment to show her. With most men it's about how confident you are about you, how you handle yourself and your business and last but certainly not least, how you tend to them. I keep my exterior on point. No matter what size I am, I make sure I make it look tasty and tasteful.

So don't be too hard on the fellas, some of them don't know any better.

When I lost weight previously my boyfriend at the time changed too... but not in the show you off kind of way. He started buying me all kinds of sweet treats and junk food as gifts, despite knowing I was trying to lose weight. My new confidence made him insecure and he said he worried I would want someone else now that I was thinner...

This time around I am not dating anyone... I've had offers from guys but I am putting off dating because I want to be happy with myself before I add another person into the mix.

I'm with you on the not dating until I'm happy with myself. It makes the most sense to me; if you aren't content with yourself, you will have difficulty being content with someone else.

ahh I don't really know about this one...I never even thought about guys all that much when I was heavier as I didn't see myself as "datable"...it's so weird how once i started losing weight though, I started noticing THEM more...however even to this day I think that because I've plateaued for so long and am not satisfied with how I look at the moment, other sense it. I was losing a lot of weight and had this umph of confidence and it seemed like I always was getting hit on...after I started plateauing at a size 8...I started to develop a poor body image because I felt like I wasn't getting validated. What we forget a lot of times though is that how we feel on the inside is definitely reflected on the outside. I know that if I get down to my desired size 4-6, I will be so proud of myself and my body that other may notice that...guys will be guys and they will never be satisfied with one woman...they tend to always look at their options. Do NOT mistake this for YOU not being "good enough" for them. I guess all I am trying to say out of this is do it for yourself because in the end, what does a cute boy matter when you have your health and inner and outer beauty??? A MAN who can respect and see this in a confident woman is rare and a catch. ****, when we all stop looking they always seem to come around.

Deana,
Kind of been there.Years ago,I lost 100 lbs,and I could see the difference in how People (not just Guy's) responded to me after losing Weight,when they didn't give me a seconds glance notice or have anything to do with me before.I detest hearing,"Gosh,you look like a different Person.".It makes me sick!As I continue losing Weight,and after reaching my WLG,I'm certain Men will be told to buzz off.I'm already pondering what to say!This is an issue I am having a problem with too.I cannot and will not tolerate shallow People!Life is to short for it!

Jigglefree,
I wholeheartedly believe if most of us had Parents,Family and Friends who gave us positives when younger (like your Parents did),then we wouldn't have these low self-esteem and low-confidence issues Today.

I always had low self esteem but honestly I never let it stop me.

In high school, I weighed 300 lbs and one of my best friends had a crush on me but I wasn't interested in him. I went to college and honestly, I ignored guys for the most part. I dated a couple guys but I always broke up with them because I didn't want a serious relationship. A couple years out of college, I decided I did want a relationship so I dated one guy (and I weighed 360 lbs at this time) and he became stalker boy and obsessed with me. It was quite scary.

Then I dated a friend of mine for about a year. We broke up and I was crushed but I realized that I liked my independence so I was happy being single and I decided to lose weight. Well there was this coworker of mine who was a friend of mine and we talked occasionally but he worked in another part of the city and then he moved out of state.

This coworker and I started talking a lot at work (phone, email, etc) and he said he was interested in me as more than a friend. The last time he saw me I had weighed 360 lbs but I was down to 285 or so when he told me he was interested. I was scared/nervous/etc but decided to go for it. I've now lost over 150 lbs and we've been married for 3 years (together for nearly 5) and he is the most supportive person ever and I am so glad he is in my life :)

I've been overweight since I was 8 years old. And I've always had low self-esteem when it came to guys. And NO man I was interested in EVER liked me back. It was always the creepy old men with missing teeth who wanted to umm.. "date" me? *shivers

But 3 years ago I met my current boyfriend. He's never put me down about my weight. But he's also never voluntarily introduced me to any of his friends. So I can't help but think that it's because I'm a big girl. I think that he's afraid his friends may say he's a chubby chaser or something... About a year ago he moved away for a job. We're doing the long distance thing now. But honestly, if I lose all this weight and he starts suggesting on his own that I meet his friends.... Grrr Arrg... I've tried to go on diets before (even though I think diets don't work) and he would suggest Pizza and Ice Cream for dinner or something... weird...

Nice posts! I was working at Staples and this guy who used to work there told me not to lose anymore weight. I was still obese at 195, but I could wear a size 10/12, something I could wear when I was at 135lbs before. Anyway, he started paying me attention once the weight fell off but before I was just a friend. I couldn't help been a tad resentful, lol.

Well, I've always been fat. And I've never been in a relationship. I guess I should put two and two together, but geeze - it's hard to admit that my physical appearance keeps the boys away!

I've kinda stayed in the shadows and really held back because of my weight. I wasn't the girl in school who got asked out - I was the girl who got picked on. The girl who couldn't run that fast in gym, so NO ONE wanted me as a partner. The girl who was afraid to eat lunch, because she felt everyone was judging her food choices..

And even now, I have no luck with men. I really feel like I have a good personality, but it just never works out for me.

I too have always been fat. I too have never had a long term committed relationship (longest I could hold onto a guy was at MAX 3 months). I too was that girl in high school, I would hide my body the best I could with baggy jeans and over sized sweatshirts. I've always been noticed by men because of my boobs or my butt, but only the men that found plus size women attractive.

.. However, it is something I've often thought about. I want to lose weight so guys will like me but do I want the guys who only like me because I've lost weight? It distressed me for a long time. But i've finally decided to look at it like this: You can not deny human nature. Physical attraction is part of human nature. It may suck, but many people are not attracted to bigger women (or men for that matter). If you look around the room you do not choose to approach the person you are least physically attracted to with the mindset of "well I bet he's got a stellar personality."..

I totally agree with you here. I mean there are SOME men, though they are few and far between, that find all women beautiful. They respect them and choose to get to know them as a person before passing judgment. Men that find me attractive at my size are not men that I'm attracted to. I've never been attracted to men of ethnicity (not a racist thing it's a sexual attraction thing) or are a lot of younger attractive men interested in me at this size. It'll be nice once I reach goal to finally turn some heads when I walk down the street rather than being ignored.

When I lost weight previously my boyfriend at the time changed too... but not in the show you off kind of way. He started buying me all kinds of sweet treats and junk food as gifts, despite knowing I was trying to lose weight. My new confidence made him insecure and he said he worried I would want someone else now that I was thinner...

This time around I am not dating anyone... I've had offers from guys but I am putting off dating because I want to be happy with myself before I add another person into the mix.

This is where I'm at currently. I choose to be single during this difficult journey. I need to focus on myself and reaching my goal. I do have a lot of confidence, but that only came after doing some plus size *adult* modeling for a short time. After that experience I was VERY confident in my size and would even say that I was happy. Now that I'm getting old (almost a quarter century old) I want to find a good quality guy, get married and start a family. I don't think physical attraction should be the only thing that you like about someone but is sure is key to having a strong relationship.

I've always been fat, and I've never had trouble finding a relationship. Keeping them has been an issue, but I do have a healthy marriage now, and I think this one will stick. We've hit (and worked through) a rough patch recently, but my psychiatrist tells me that's a good thing. It tests how strong we are.

Society seems to think that no man wants the fat chick, *just because* she is fat. I don't think that's it. Looking back now, even in high school there were boys interested in me. It's just that I had so little confidence in myself that I assumed any boy who was attracted to me must have a screw loose somewhere, and instead of giving them a chance I pined away for the cute jocks who only dated cheerleaders.

I once met a woman who was morbidly obese and married to a blind man. From the way she carried herself, the facial expression she wore, etc., it was patently obvious that somewhere in her mind was the thought, "You see? Only a blind man would want to marry me." The marriage didn't last, and it darned sure didn't have anything to do with what she looked like!

As for attraction and how it can't be helped, I don't quite buy it. A physically cute guy will turn my head, but it takes a lot more than looks to really get me interested. I'd rather have a bulldog-ugly man who treats me well, than a hottie who treats me like dirt, and I'd like to think that any man with an ounce of sense would feel the same way about women.

The guy I'm with now . . . we were really good friends for about a year, but it was all online. No real names, no photos, no looking for love on either side, just two lonely people getting to know each other by chatting through handles.

I know I occasionally complained about my figure so he had a vague idea that I was probably heavy. He occasionally got a cropped-off photo of my face, and he once sent me hard-to-see snapshot of himself. One day I felt brave and sent him a full-length photo of me standing in front of a river with ducks swimming through it. I typed out, "Duckies!" and he typed out something like, "Ducks? All I see is one very beautiful creature."

I was shocked and extremely flattered. Even though I felt we knew each other really well at that point, I was still nervous about how I looked. I was so happy and relieved to know that my weight was not an issue with him. We were officially dating within two months of that, even though we still hadn't seen each other in person (that took another three months, lol) and barely knew what the other person looked like.

Anyway, we're still together and my weight was never a problem at any point. He's been supportive of the weight I've lost since we've moved in together, but stresses that the only real important thing is that I'm happy with myself.

I felt quite ugly and pathetic before he came into my life, but he lights me up and makes me feel pretty inside and out. Maybe love is blind after all . . .

Wow, Sirenity, you've got a rare one. :)

Sirenity, that's beautiful :o

As a college girl, I deal with a lot of horrible guys who are lousy at sex (ha), objectify women as conquests, and don't care about real relationships -- that's just par for the course, no matter what size you are. So I have noticed getting more attention from men as I've shrunk -- maybe in part due to my confidence and wearing more fitted clothes as a result -- but it isn't attention I want, necessarily. At the end of the day, all they want is to sleep with you and then the next girl after that. *shrug*

years ago, i lost a significant amount of weight and got LOTS more attention from guys, and i was totally resentful about it, too. i just couldn't help it! but at the same time, i understand that guys can't help who they're attracted to-- none of us can.

the worst part for me was that my own mother treated me better as a thin girl. that was much more of a slap in the face than anything some guy could have done.

After my former husband and I seperated I went from around 190 to 150 very quickly, @ 5'1 that makes a big difference. I did some weight lifting in college so 150 was a size 8 for me..but a 10/12 after pregnancy, but anyway I went from obese to a normal size. I lost the weight so quickly because I was nursing, half starving and had hyperthyroidism, it was not voluntary and believe me weight and my appearance was the last thing on my mind. The compliment that made me scratch my head the most was the one that said wow he ___ up. to Like it was ok for him to be a jerk when I was fat? :(

It showed me how superficial our society is. Nobody said anything about being a mother but losing 40 lbs of fat it's like I accomplished something! It can be accomplishment but it just seems out of place so much focus is on that. That experience taught me, I always try to encourage friends that are new mothers with all they do or just anyone in school, caring for a parent, and things like that. :hug: :carrot:

:lol: Hindsight I was young and never had struggled with weight before that time so had no idea what an huge industry or struggle weight loss was for some. I was a volunteer at a hospital and many of the physicians had stopped me in the hallway ask me what I did or what program I was on. I didn't understand what they were talking about. :lol:

A little bit off topic, but catowned's post really got me thinking. It is weird how much emphasis we place on the success of weight loss. It seems to be more of a celebrated feat than doing well in school or having a child or getting (and keeping) a job or conquering a drug addiction (although this last one is slightly more comparable to the process of losing weight!).

I kind of wonder if the rate of success for losing weight and keeping it off would be a bit higher if we didn't make it so overly important and talk about it like it is some impossible quest.

My husband just pointed something out on the subject of the initial attraction being physical.

He and I met online, while we lived 3,000 miles away from each other. I had only a cheap cracker-jack-box digicam and couldn't even show him a decent picture of myself. Yet we talked for hours (5 straight is the record) and we were in love before we ever met face to face. How does this fit in with the notion that men are first attracted to what they see, then by personality?

Also keep in mind that he is not even my first husband, let alone my first relationship. I never had a problem finding my share of dates. If men have to be attracted physically first, in order to even take it to the next level, then body size must not make as much of a difference to attractiveness as some people think it does.

I dunno, I think we are giving guys the raw end of the deal here, personally.

I don't fault people for being attracted to people who are in-shape or fit. I personally would not have been attracted to my husband if he were morbidly obese when we met. I don't find overweight men *sexually* attractive (though I believe there is beauty in everyone), even though I am obese (double standard, much? lol)

However, if my husband gained weight now (well actually he has, he has gained about 25 lbs in the course of our marriage) -- I totally still find him sexy and attractive because I am in love with his heart. He is a wonderful father, a wonderful husband, my very best friend -- I am sure he feels similarly about me. When we met I was a lot slimmer (oh, 12 years ago). I wouldn't have faulted him for not falling all over a 300 lb woman -- BUT I WOULD fault him for having left me or something when I gained weight because he had already committed to me for better or for worse.... does that make sense?

People have a right to be attracted to who they choose to be attracted to or not. The fault lies in someone who has committed themselves to you through good times or bad, sickness and health etc, then goes back on their word when times get rough (or weight gets gained lol).

Think about it, seriously... can you honestly say you would prefer watching a love scene with a 350 lb obese man, or one with Johnny Depp?

People are programmed not to be obese. Yes, people come in many shapes and sizes, but obese is not a healthy 'default'. Biologically speaking, we are programmed to seek out 'mates' who appear healthy and fertile, to carry on humanity. When being overweight was in fashion, it was because it showed that people had enough money (and thus, enough food) to survive and eat what they want.

This isn't a knock on obese people, I am one of them! NO ONE deserves to be ridiculed, or made fun of, or teased. EVERY ONE deserves love.

I am just saying, the reason all of us are trying to lose weight has to do with some combination of health/looking good/feeling better/having more energy etc... why would we fault men for desiring those traits in us as a partner?

it's a real catch 22 we put ourselves in.

I'm a guy. I think at my biggest I weighed 336lbs (I say I think because our scales at the time didn't go that high, so I just added on the extra that it looped around to if you get what I mean), I was an even 300lbs by the time we got a digital scales.
I wasn't exactly starved for the attention of girls when I was heavier, I had long curly hair then and I'd rock out at just about any opportunity, so I guess that could be mistaken for confidence, I don't know but either way there was often pretty girls around me. But when these girls would flirt with me I'd shut it down straight away by acting like I didn't realise they were flirting or some other stupid thing (The most embarrassing of which may well be the time a girl kissed me out of the blue and I was so caught off guard and embarrassed that all I did was blow a raspberry in her mouth)
I'd always think about that Groucho Marx line about any club that would have me as a member and just kill any chance before it even got off the ground. Sometimes I'd dress it up in morality, "I couldn't kiss a girl I don't know that well", sometimes I'd convince myself that I was just at the bar to dance that night (although...not with that girl who tried to get me to dance with her, I pretended I didn't know what she meant) but the result was always the same.
So somewhere along the line, in what might be considered a manic episode; I shaved my head, I hadn't gotten into the PhD course I wanted (which was sort of down to a lack of self confidence too) and briefly thought I'd get a job in the real world instead. So my gimmick was gone, so was the illusion of confidence and with it most of the attention. On the plus side I would no longer have to suffer every ******* in town telling me I look like Hurley from Lost (I dunno how it is for girls but apparently all fat guys look alike because if you can name a famous fat guy I'll bet I've "looked like" him at some point)
Anyway, diet and exercise, diet and exercise, today I weigh in at around 230lbs. I am by no means any more confident (well maybe a little, but not enough, I still see the same body) but I'm getting there. So about two weeks ago I'm at a party (not drinking!!! that painful little change dropped about 20lbs, so hopefully it'll stick) and right as I'm walking in through this crowded house this very attractive girl start sort of dancing at me. And it was weird because I've never felt a more bitter hatred for a total stranger. I couldn't even explain it, it was completely irrational but so intense that I felt like vomiting. I'm fine with girls dancing up on whoever just not me, not now.

I hope I can get over this, I don't want to hold something irrational inside me against others. I mean, they're not actually making the statement that you perceive, especially if they didn't know you before, then they're just...doing what humans do..and it's ok to be human...I'm starting to come to terms with that (Jesus I sound like a self help book!). And what about the girls from before? Sure they may have been attracted by the gimmick, but they hung around when the music ended, we'd talk, the girls now could be the same as the girls from before (in some cases literally...I was pretty drunk for a number of years), it's not fair of me to assume they're shallow. And while I still don't have the confidence to do anything about it, one of these I'll respond to the flirting and it won't be with bitter hatred.

I disagree with "people are programmed not to be obese." Some people are.

We have three cats, all of whom are fed the same food on the same schedule. Only one of them is obese. The other two are not. Alex is muscular, while Tuffy is tiny. Tiger waddles when she walks and looks a lot like Garfield.

And the cat with the history of stroke, who must take medication to keep her blood pressure under control--is the SMALLEST of the three. Granted she's also the oldest, by about four years, but my point is, the obese cat is not suffering any serious health problems, while the small, lithe, limber, slender cat *is*. So much for stereotyping "fat equals sick, thin equals healthy." (I'm not saying anyone here is doing that).

Again I emphasize, all of our cats eat the same food on the same schedule. And all three are spayed/neutered, so post-spay obesity is not a factor.

Random, I gotcha on the "won't join a club that would have me as a member" thing. I could have dated in high school. There were boys interested. But somewhere deep inside, I figured if they were attracted to me, there must be something wrong in their heads. And I wasn't even all that fat, back then. Just chubby. My present height, but a 16/18 where I am now a 24/26.

Can anyone confirm or deny whether life is easier for fat guys than it is for fat chicks? In my experience, men can joke about their size better than women can. "It's my wife's good cooking, hahaha!" (pat stomach) For women, especially nowadays, if she's more than a size 0 she's "fat," and if she's in a double digit clothing size, she thinks she's Shamu. But men aren't called Shamu. They are called teddy bears, gentle giants, an affectionate "the big guy," whatever. It could be some kind of programming. Since men traditionally play the "protector" role, it's more OK for a man to be big than for a woman, who plays the "damsel in distress." And has anyone noticed that if a woman doesn't look like she needs protection--she's of considerable size rather than tiny, maybe she dresses in slacks instead of frills, and has her hair short--the tendency is to think she's a lesbian?

As far as the bar/nightclub scene, the last time I asked a man to dance with me, he told me to come back later when he'd had a few more drinks. (That way he'd have an excuse. When his friends laughed at him later for dancing with a fat woman, he could say he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing.) Of course I didn't go back. If a man has to be drunk to justify dancing with me, forget it.

Lovebirds, been thinking about your post for a while now.

I know I'm biased here but I feel men are in a worse situation. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out:
We're made fun of for being fat, but we're made fun of for dieting, it's not a "manly" thing to be concerned about your weight. If I'm honest that's a big part of why it took me so long to do anything about it, a sort of foolish pride.
I mean I don't presume to speak for all fat men here but male sex symbols are all toned so it's similar to the ridiculously thin models women see. gah, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, it's just I think it's seen as more acceptable for a "fuller figured" woman to be the romantic lead in a movie than it would be for a "portly gent" to be her counterpart and you'll see that carry over into most facets of life.
I'm trying to phrase this next sentence is the least crass way possible, so I hope you'll bare with me: It seems to be more socially acceptable for a man to have a predilection for large women than it would be for a woman to be into large men. The only instance I can ever recall of a woman liking larger in any media was in one of the later series of scrubs and that was played for laughs (if I recall correctly it revolved around how insecure fat guys are), whereas there seems to be subculture of guys that are into bigger girls. Although to be honest I don't know how I'd feel about that either, "you only want me for my body, don't you!!!" ;)

Anyway, I've taken this thread woefully off topic, but I just wanted to say, that I get how bad it can be for women, when I see those photoshopped models it makes me feel ill, but I think the situation is at least comparable for men but we're not allowed to talk about it cause that's not cool and/or manly. ****, I'm on a message board intended for women (which I hope isn't a problem by the way, this seems like such a friendly place, I hope my presence wouldn't irk anyone) because any male fitness board I've ever seen is overflowing with macho bravado bull**** from musclehead *******s

Fair enough, random. Thanks for your dialogue and your glimpse into how the other half lives. I didn't mean to offend, and I hope I didn't.

Oh, and as far as I'm concerned, roosters are welcome in the henhouse with us chicks.

I have seen plenty of guys who are more on the ugly end and they have worse attitudes than good looking guys. i don't think we should pass judgement on 'good looking' people. a lot of my best friends are in the modeling and fashion industry and they used to get a lot of hate from people because people assumed because they were 'good looking' they were pretentious etc etc. My best friend grew up as the fat girl before she lost the weight and was spotted and given a modeling contract so she has seen both sides and she had told me she got treated better by people and wasn't judged as much when she was fat. looks don't mean everything and being good looking doesn't mean u are a douche.

You make a good point, caliyah.

One thing that has always struck me (and made me want to "strike" the man involved) is when a man rambles on and on about having to have a slim, attractive woman, and if you look at him, he's no prize either. I've seen dating sites where the picture shows a grotesquely fat man who specifies that his potential date must be under a certain weight.

This happened to me. My neighbor tried to fix me up with a blind date, and called the guy to come over to meet me. We had never met before, didn't know each other from a can of paint, so no pre-conceived notions.

He pulled into the driveway, took a glance at me, laughed, said "you (censored)" to my neighbor, and took off. (Not in an angry attitude, but as if my neighbor had pranked him.)

He was ugly as a bulldog himself, but I wouldn't have judged him on that alone. Yet he had the nerve to treat me that way. What's more important is that he is uglier on the inside than on the outside. A man who would treat ANY woman that way, I wouldn't date.