Weight loss and attitude towards cute guys? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Deana · 07-13-2009, 01:03 PM

So....I've lost 30 pounds so far. I have a VERY solid build and even at my highest weight at 251 still wore a size 18. The flip side of it is that while my friends can lose 10 pounds and go down a size. I have to lose 20-30 pounds to go down a size. ANYWAY, I've never lacked attention from guys even at my heaviest. I think it's because my weight is distributed primairily in my boobs/hips/thighs so I guess I never looked as big as for instance my friend who is more of an apple shape. BUT I find now that I am losing, any time a cute guy approaches me it's like I have this attitude towards him because I think to myself 'yea would you have wanted me 30 pounds ago?' So now it's like, I am stereotyping them because I think they are shallow for wanting me now and some of them would not have wanted me say 4 months ago (not all of them but I can't differentiate from the ones that would or would not have). Do you all experience these same feelings?

Psychologically I think part of the fear is let's say I get with this attractive guy and two years from now I gain back weight, he'll dump me and jet in a heartbeat.

So I tend to feel this loyalty towards the guys I've dated in the past and have the sense and wanting to be with them because I know they wanted me/loved me then and still do now.

luckylindy · 07-13-2009, 01:36 PM

Wow Deana...your post really touched down with a personal situation that I am going through right now. My husband and I are separated currently after 7 years of being together, it was my decision and he is still trying to get me back. Anyway...my point being is, I am down almost 35 pounds and am getting a lot of looks and compliments from different men and the thing that I keep going back to is...my husband loved me and accepted me at my highest weight and now I have all these extremely good looking guys (even a fireman...woohoo, lol) and I have the same thought process. It also makes me rethink my decision with my marriage.

Wow...sorry, I got off track but I just want to let you know I can totally relate.

happeningf · 07-14-2009, 02:14 PM

OMG I am so with you.

My bf (who has been with me thru this all) I can tell brags about me more, shows me off more... and I'm bitter! I just am!

I tell him so, and he says honestly, yes, I look better than I ever did, and he wants to show me off more, he's proud of me, he thinks I look so hot... etc... and of course my mind goes to the opposite: so you weren't proud of me before, you were ashamed to be seen with me?? etc etc etc

I try to look at my weight loss like new pretty hair or new boobs or something... nothing wrong with enhancing yourself, and you can't blame your bf for paying extra attention to something so new and fun for him (ie new boobs = new body, whatever)

But I still get so bitter and give guys SUCH attitude. Guys are coming out of the woodwork, guys I've known for years and have stayed in touch with, but now they're trying really hard to see me, hang out, be friends... it's so obvious. I hate it. I cringe when a guy friend tells me I'm so hot... they never said that before... should I be annoyed? I don't know.

Elladorine · 07-14-2009, 06:30 PM

The first time I ever lost a significant amount of weight, the new attention I got from guys scared me. I'd never even been on a date in my early 20's, and all these guys came out of the woodwork to compliment me.

Where were they before?

Michelle1210 · 07-14-2009, 06:58 PM

it happened to my friend, well there was a time in her life that she had put on some pounds, and she carries a fat picture of herself, and she Will pull it out now and then if a guy liked her and asked them if they would date her, she told me many times they always went ewww no way would I date a Fat cow. she would get up put the pic away and tell them before she walked away that it was her, she said the jaw would drop and try to back peddle as fast they could. She wanted someone she could trust.

Deana · 07-14-2009, 07:13 PM

luckylindy I totally understand what you mean. There's a loyalty factor to the guys that loved us when we weighed more. I don't know. I can't shake this feeling, and I never used to look at attractive guys that way before. But now all I think about is how shallow they probably are and would probably leave me if I ever gained weight again. It's frustrating. But I hope you make the right decision regarding your marriage, one that you can be sure is the right one for you.

Deana · 07-14-2009, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azulfire

it happened to my friend, well there was a time in her life that she had put on some pounds, and she carries a fat picture of herself, and she Will pull it out now and then if a guy liked her and asked them if they would date her, she told me many times they always went ewww no way would I date a Fat cow. she would get up put the pic away and tell them before she walked away that it was her, she said the jaw would drop and try to back peddle as fast they could. She wanted someone she could trust.

Wow! I don't know if I could get away with that because my face always looks the same lol I gain all my weight in my hips/a$$/thighs!!! But it's definitely very telling of the mentalities out there... That is the same kind of man that will cheat on you when you gain weight to carry his child. UGH!

Eurodiet · 07-27-2009, 04:06 PM

Sirenity--same here. No attention for years, then bam! Seems so unfair.
Deana--very true about the baby weight gain. That's my fear now.

I've got a lovely new bf, but he's only seen me post-weight loss. What if I gain it back? Or if we have kids and I put on baby weight? Definitely some trust issues to sort out there...

I definitely agree w/ the sort of resentment towards attention from men in general. Really don't know how to respond to comments/looks/etc. At first I was so flattered and thrilled! Now that the shock has worn off, I'm a little annoyed. Best response I've found is to just smile and not take it too seriously--it's a shallow compliment, but hey, at least it's a compliment!

annie175 · 07-27-2009, 04:12 PM

Oh yeah, highly agree. 160 lbs ago, I didn't get near the attention I get now. So I just them oogle and what not and go on about my business like they don't exist either.

crcossel · 07-27-2009, 04:22 PM

Ok I don't think its shallow at all!

Guys are visual creatures. And attraction is different from love. You are initially attracted to the way someone looks. Then you are attracted to their personality. Then you fall in love. Love has staying power......attraction is just the beginning.

Why would you look down on someone for appreciating the way you look when YOU are appreciating the new way you look.

It seems to me that looking down on these guys is just as shallow.

Guys care about how you look, however if its real gaining weight won't change the way they FEEL about you. My husband loves me and appreciates the way I look but still encourages me lose weight and stick to my goals. He has also mentioned that he is glad I am doing this because he has worried about me ending up like my mom who is 70+ lbs overweight. That isn't shallow, just the truth.

Aclai4067 · 07-27-2009, 05:10 PM

I've never come close to reaching my goal so I haven't experienced this first hand. However, it is something I've often thought about. I want to lose weight so guys will like me but do I want the guys who only like me because I've lost weight? It distressed me for a long time. But i've finally decided to look at it like this: You can not deny human nature. Physical attraction is part of human nature. It may suck, but many people are not attracted to bigger women (or men for that matter). If you look around the room you do not choose to approach the person you are least physically attracted to with the mindset of "well I bet he's got a stellar personality." (Not implying that you were the least atractive person in a room, but I know I often feel that I am) In a line-up of 10 men whom you do not know, all you have to base attraction on is appearance. Now if it's someone who knew you before the weight loss and is suddenly attracted to you, well that's a stickier situation. It could be that he's shallow, or it could be that you put off negative vibes before that have now turned positive. Confidence is sexy and as we lose weight we gain confidence. So don't assume every guy is shallow. You're looks likely aren't the only thing that's changed.

JulieJ08 · 07-27-2009, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azulfire

it happened to my friend, well there was a time in her life that she had put on some pounds, and she carries a fat picture of herself, and she Will pull it out now and then if a guy liked her and asked them if they would date her, she told me many times they always went ewww no way would I date a Fat cow. she would get up put the pic away and tell them before she walked away that it was her, she said the jaw would drop and try to back peddle as fast they could. She wanted someone she could trust.

I think she's just conducting a stupid test. How stupid do you have to be to answer like that, no matter who's in the picture? Maybe a guy can learn to appreciate a woman no matter what she weighs, but he's stuck being stupid.

Elladorine · 07-29-2009, 04:51 AM

The thing is . . . is that we don't want to be seen for our fat or even for our "thin," we want to be seen for who we are. And it's hard for people to see who you really are without getting to know you. And unfortunately, people will let physical appearance get in the way of knowing someone.

BKKchick · 07-29-2009, 08:22 AM

I've lived in the same building for a while now and have seen my "hot" neighbor a handful of times. He never said a WORD to me. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in many months until the other day in the elevator. I was all sweaty after having worked out and felt sort of weird, you know. Well, he was all smiles and joking around with me. When he asked which floor I lived on, and I was like, um, the same one as you (idiot!); he looked sort of dumbstruck, like, OH, you're the fat chick who lives next door? It was awkward, to say the least. So yesterday he knocked on my door to ask if I wanted to come to a party he's having next week! A part of me feels flattered, but a bigger part of me feels sick.

I happen to live in a country that attracts a lot of foreign men who come here just for sex and girls who will date them for their money (and not expect much else), so I've almost written off dating; but now that I LOOK different, I'm getting more attention from guys who I'm pretty sure are creeps. But I know I shouldn't be so judgmental. It's so hard to tell who is decent and who isn't.

Deana · 07-29-2009, 08:50 AM

I definitely agree with the nature of attraction and you can't choose who you are attracted to. But regardless of my weight (I had only been "large" for 4 years out of my almost 30 years on this Earth), I have always dated ALL kinds of men. When I was a size 6, I even dated a guy that was over 300 pounds. Yes, I was still attracted to him but my attraction is not limited to weight. I guess that is where I have this 'attitude'. It's one thing to say, hey I'm attracted to a woman with a great smile or redheads or whatever, but to completely discount someone b/c of their size and then suddenly when they lose weight they are the best thing since sliced bread? And then it leads back to my other question. What happens if that person gains weight? Whether it's b/c of pregnancy, or a medical condition or just not eating properly? I have so many friends that were always small, I mean SMALL (i.e. size 0 and 2's), and they got pregnant, went up to a size 10 (GASP!!!) and call me crying b/c their husbands tell them they are "big" and need to lose weight. We aren't talking about obese people here!!! Maybe this is my own sick sense of vindication but now I find that I rather give the 'average joe' a chance than the 'hot athlete', b/c I have these preconceived notions about the 'hot athlete'. It's a double standard, I agree but it's just how I feel.

And again I find myself being so drawn into the guys that I KNOW 100% loved and cared for me at my biggest, at my smallest, and now that I am inbetween. It's a sense of loyalty I feel towards them, and comfort knowing that they would be there no matter what.