Weight Loss Support - body builder bf not supportive of my weightloss




joyinSF
07-08-2009, 03:27 PM
hi gals-

my bf, who's in tip top great shape (im talking about six pack abs, and the nice built arms, great great body)...does not support me in losing weight.

it feels awkward when we go to the beach, and im standing there next to him fully clothed and hes walking around without his shirt...girls freakin check him out...guys do , too.


I tell him i want to lose weight, at least 30 pounds and hes always saying "youre beautiful the way you are. dont lose weight."


whenever he buys food, i tell him to get me low fat low sugar food, but he brings back cookies and ice cream and all the junk food you can imagine.

Why is he like that?

have any of you girls encountered anything like this?


mandalinn82
07-08-2009, 03:35 PM
Sometimes, men are kind of clueless. I often also think that they're so afraid of making an accidentally offensive comment about weight that their gut reaction is to say "You don't have to lose weight! You're gorgeous!" and dodge the issue altogether.

So you need to be direct. Sit him down, explain your goals and that you are serious, and ask for his help and support. It may be helpful to make this not an issue of beauty (I have no doubt that he DOES find you beautiful, just as he said, so saying "I am fat and need to lose weight so I can stand next to you on the beach" might result in a negative reaction), but instead about health (as in "I really want to get in shape and be at a healthier weight so I can have a longer, happier life").

If this doesn't work and he still brings home the junk food, don't eat it. Stock up on healthy foods and eat those...eventually, he'll likely shift his buying habits (unless he's eating the unhealthy stuff, in which case he can continue...having the food in the house doesn't mean you have to be the one eating it).

Jacqui_D
07-08-2009, 03:36 PM
Joy, some guys are physically attracted to women who carry more weight. It's probably just his preference. When he says you are beautiful, I'm sure he absolutely means it. He wouldn't have been attracted to you in the first place if he didn't think so! There is the possibility that he is possessive and is afraid that if you lose weight, other guys will become a threat, but I'm thinking probably he just loves the way you look with the extra padding! You're going to have to let him know how much you appreciate his desire for you as you are, but that junk food is not healthy for you and you have to consider your health first and foremost.


rochemist
07-08-2009, 03:37 PM
Men who like their girls stacked, curvy, and soft are not uncommon.

Or it could be he sees any change in you as a point of insecurity that you may be too hot and leave him.

Which ever one it is, good luck!

kiramira
07-08-2009, 03:37 PM
It may be just that he feels more secure when you aren't looking all buff like he is. Some people are like this.

I think you should ask him WHY he brings home food that is tempting to you, and how he would feel if you lost those 30 lbs. And if he would help you in this process.

The answers may be surprising!

:hug:

Kira

ddc
07-08-2009, 03:38 PM
I have recently put on a *few* pounds and last night my hubby was squeezing around my mid section and he said "don't lose weight".
I think I need to lose about 10 lbs, but he likes the "feel" of it--go figure.
I think it was in Pulp Fiction that a female character said "what is pleasing to the hand is not always pleasing to the eye".


Edit: I found the correct quote: : "It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same."

joyinSF
07-08-2009, 03:57 PM
ahahah thanks for all your comments...
at first, i was thinking that may be he doesnt want me to lose weight because he might feel a little insecure. but now, i think its because he prefers me "fluffy."


i guess some guys do prefer "fluffy" women...oh well, i will no longer be fluffy...im working this fluffiness off...lol

ACivE
07-08-2009, 03:59 PM
I feel your pain... my SO is in a sport where he burns so many calories that he gorges on carbs daily. Between preparing for training and races, he eats like 4000 calories a day. And he's still stick thin. When you spend 3-4 hours day doing serious cardio you have to eat more--I understand that--but it's hard when we're making dinner and he wants a massive carb side dish and I want vegetables. Thankfully he cares for his body and eats only leans proteins, whole grains, etc so we don't differ on whether or not we want to eat twinkies or donuts, but still.

Basically, we not make meals with a lean meat, a vegetable, and some carb. I normally pass on the carb. It allows us to eat the same meal, but me stay in my calorie range. If we're having pasta as our main dish, I'm normally am sure to prepare a side vegatable and there are usually no creamy sauces, etc on the pasta.

HotWings
07-08-2009, 04:01 PM
Just a thought - maybe he likes everyone checking him out at the beach, but he doesn't want anyone checking YOU out. I can totally see that happening. Then he might feel he needs to work harder to keep you - or have to keep looking over his shoulder wondering what guys are hitting on you.

It IS true, though, that A LOT of men like their girls curvy and fluffy. Very possible as well. :D

jendiet
07-08-2009, 04:03 PM
ugh, my SO loses weight if he sneezes. And he's not just skinny. He has beautiful rope like muscles very visible and despite being a low weight he has great abs.

He's always cuddling me and calling me "squishy". And he jiggles my really fluffy places obsessively. I love his attention--but I want to be in great shape with not so many jiggly places.

Annita
07-08-2009, 04:37 PM
i think you're perfect in his eyes so for him, you donot need to lose weight.
I put on 31 lbs BUT my bf still never tell me to lose weight or even mention about my weight. Everytime i mention the weightloss, he just said "i think you're beautiful and donot need to lose weight", and also wants to feed me .... If he sees me refuse snacks, he'll try even harder to force me to eat them because he thinks i'm skipping meals.

Anyways, when i told him that i'm not happy with the way i look, and i want to be happier, healthier, better - he understood and after that he supported me on my weight loss. So i think maybe you should told your bf that the way you look now isn't making you happy, and you want to be healthier so you can live longer and be happier about the way you look. Make sure he knows you're doing it healthily, or else it'll be difficult ^^

g.luck.
btw, does man get insecure when their gf gets hotter? Cuz i've never seen such one, and obviously my bf isn't as well because he likes to show me off (always want to drag me along when he meets his friends) T____T so i always thought men would be more proud and want to show the whole world that "this beautiful girl is mine" rather than keeping you lock....

sacha
07-08-2009, 04:45 PM
joyinSF,

You originally wrote that you were eating a 1000-1200 calorie diet, I know you've changed that, but perhaps he was aware of this and didn't want you to go about this the wrong way (by depriving your body of nutrition).

Also, we sometimes forget how others perceive us. My partner wants to lose 10lbs from his gut. I think his "gut" is just fine. He is technically overweight although he has a good 10 years of solid weightlifting muscle. I suppose it is how we see ourselves. He proably doesn't see you as needing to lose weight.

Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Put your health first.

jelder227
07-08-2009, 05:15 PM
btw, does man get insecure when their gf gets hotter? . . . . so i always thought men would be more proud and want to show the whole world that "this beautiful girl is mine" rather than keeping you lock....

Believe me - some men do! My husband loves to show me off, but is convinced that men are going to be all over me if he's not around. Like I haven't known how to deal with THAT since I was 16! And we've been married for 12 years.

But anyway - he likes curves, and really never noticed my weight gain, until I took it back off. He loves the way I look now, and doesn't really want me to lose more. But he also likes the fact that I'm happier and feel more attractive (and therefore sexier!). So he's learning to be supportive. Men are all about communication and training.

geoblewis
07-08-2009, 05:24 PM
Men always want women to look just so and act just so...and that's just so NOT COOL! If he loves you, really loves YOU, he'll stay with you even if you lose weight.

You make your own health choices. You have to live in and experience life in your body. And in your relationships, you have the absolute right and freedom to be who you are. Because the moment you stop being who you are, you're not participating in the relationship as yourself.

If he's sabotaging you through food, then you go get your own food. And if he's offended by that, then his thinking is off, not yours!

Be strong, love freely with your own heart, sister.

Georgia

teresab
07-08-2009, 10:38 PM
Sometimes, men are kind of clueless. I often also think that they're so afraid of making an accidentally offensive comment about weight that their gut reaction is to say "You don't have to lose weight! You're gorgeous!" and dodge the issue altogether.



I think there is alot of merit to this.

My hubby's ex-girlfriend was anorexic and bulimic. And he constantly would tell me "You don't need to lose weight. You're beautiful. You aren't fat" I hated it! I know I am fat! I have never been skinny, and while I was quite a bit smaller when we started dating (I will see you again, Size 12/14!!!!!) I was still overweight.

Just recently, when he said it again, I told him "Honey, I know you are being nice. But I do need to lose weight. I am overweight and not happy about it. When you say I am not overweight it is a lie, and offensive. I know you love me how I am, but I am not happy with it." I think he gets it now.

Starrynight
07-08-2009, 11:19 PM
Yeah my boyfriend used to be like that, well minus bringing back food I didn't want.. When I met him he was muscular and thin, and I was at my highest weight. He always told me he loved me the way I was and he loved my body as it was. When I made it clear to him how badly I felt about my weight and though I was happy about how he felt, I needed to do this for me, however, he started becoming more supportive and encouraging. The other good thing is, he hasn't become like this crazy, food-monitoring boyfriend either, he lets me do my own thing and listens to my rants/joys about dieting/weight loss.

So I think if you point out how much it means to you and how deeply and strongly you feel about losing weight, not for him nor anyone else, but for you, he might understand better and support you!

I've gone down to my lowest, 141, and my boyfriend's views have always stayed consistent with how he feels about me, and now he keeps telling me not to get too skinny and lose all my curves (which I don't plan on doing anyway).

Guys definitely do get insecure though.. My boyfriend already thinks I'm beautiful and he admitted that he was worried that once I got down to a low weight, I would realize I could do better.. so maybe he honestly feels a bit insecure, even if he is in shape and all, it could just be something he feels with you. Just have a heart-to-heart and I'm sure if he loves and cares about you, he will understand.

HungryHungryHippo
07-08-2009, 11:58 PM
Sometimes I enjoy bad food vicariously through my husband. Maybe that's what he's doing with the junk food.

kaplods
07-09-2009, 01:53 AM
Some men are attracted to a wide range of body shapes and sizes, and others have a very narrow preference. How important that preference is to your partner, is something you should know. Talking about it frankly is the only way to find out.

For example, I know that my husband is attracted to women of many sizes, but isn't attracted to curveless women. There's not much chance of my ever becoming waif-thin with no bosom, so I'm lucky in that regard.

I knew a woman, sister to a close friend in college whose husband left her after she lost 150 lbs, because he was only attracted to obese women. It isn't all that different from men who leave women after they gain weight.

I'm not saying that all or even many men do this. I think most men, and most women too are able to stretch their preferences to include the person they love, even when the person is no longer (or perhaps never was) their physical ideal. If you're generically not attracted to bald men, it doesn't mean that you will stop being attracted to your husband if he loses his hair. And if your husband is more attracted to "fluffy" women, it doesn't mean he will stop being attracted to you as you de-fluff (by the way, I hate the term fluffy, I prefer almost any term including fat, obese, morbidly obese, or even oh-my-god-you're-gigantically-humongously-fat).

I think you need to talk to your bf about why he doesn't want you to lose weight (or says you don't need to). Is he just trying to be I-love-you-no-matter-what supportive, or does he have an ulterior motive and if so, what that is. Discuss specific ways he CAN support you, as well as specific behaviors you want him to change (I don't want you to bring food home for me, unless it's on this list - and hand him a list).

I really do recommend the list. I've had to do that with my husband. He loves to surprise me with little treats, so now instead of Godiva or Neuhaus chocolates or a piece of cheesecake, he'll surprise me with exotic fruits or other treats that I have pre-approved. I knew he finally "got it," when he surprised me with a package of haricot verts (a very thin gourmet green bean).