Weight Loss Support - What do you do or say?




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beerab
07-02-2009, 02:36 PM
So not a huge issue- but my husband and I have a very good friend who comes over at least once a week- sometimes 2-3 times a week.

EACH TIME he comes over he wants to eat out- before we'd go. Now I usually say no. The past two days he has called wanting to eat out. Tuesday when he called we'd already eaten dinner so my husband let him know we already ate.

THEN yesterday he came over and was like let's celebrate- let's go out! I just got pre-approved for a home loan. DH and I were like that's great but dinner's ready, you are welcome to join though. So he ate grilled fish, rice, and vegetables with us.

Later he still wanted to go out for ice cream- my DH wanted to go also. I said to the guys go have fun without me but they kept insisting I go- and when I was there they insisted I get something. I got one small scoop of ice cream and that turned out to be 200 calories. I went slightly over yesterday caloriewise but that's fine. I'm not mad at him, I'm not mad at myself- BUT obviously I'm still trying to lose weight! I had ballooned back up to 216 and finally this week went back down to 212 and I'm determined even more so now to continue the loss.

Now this man is more my husband's best friend- but obviously a good friend of mine. He constantly says he wants to lose weight- but then he always eats out (everyday) and he works out now and then. He tells me he's definitely noticed I've lost weight and I've told him how- he just says oh yeah sounds hard... I don't cook blah blah.

I really like the guy- I do- but I feel like what should I do? I want him to STOP asking everytime for us to eat out with him- he can go out all he wants THEN come over- that doesn't bother me.

The other issue is my husband has MS and the doctor says he should eat a good diet- stay away from fast food, and so on.

I want to speak to my husband tonight and tell him that his friend really has to stop asking us to eat out everytime he calls. And that his friend has to respect that I am trying to lose weight to get healthy, and that because of his MS he has to eat a healthier diet. I will also tell my husband to stop insisting that I ALSO go and eat when I don't really want to (still working on my own self control as well).

Now do you think my husband should speak to him? Just like on the side like hey man we love when you come hang out BUT we just can't eat out anymore or go out for treats either. We hope you understand, and hey you are welcome to eat dinner where-ever you want THEN come over later- but we won't be eating out anymore/like we used to. And I'd invite him over for dinner each time BUT money is tight and we can't afford to feed a third person 2-3 times a week...

I don't want to just speak to his friend then he goes and runs to DH and DH gets upset with me...

Any suggestions I'd totally appreciate it! Any personal experiences on how you dealt with an issue like this would be great :)


paradoxx
07-02-2009, 02:43 PM
I would probably speak to DH and try to express myself in as neutral a tone as possible, avoiding "charged" words. A professor I had a number of years ago was an expert at psychological techniques to help resolve conflict. Really. This is a specialty. And he taught us that when you have to express irritation with another person's behavior it is best to use words like "uncomfortable" and "challenging" instead of "upset" and "disrespectful." It actually does work.

Therefore, I would probably explain to hubby that your friend's behavior is challenging for you to be around and makes you uncomfortable, or something like that. Good luck!

Note: I wouldn't necessarily ask DH to talk to him. I would just make sure the DH understood my reasoning before I did.

srmb60
07-02-2009, 02:46 PM
I would tell him about the healthy eating ... the doctor's suggestion ... saving money for the house ...

I was going to say you could ask him to bring something with him but I'm not sure what. I also like the idea of asking him to drop in for the evening "Love to see you. Come around after supper and we'll sit outside" or something like that.


Lori Bell
07-02-2009, 02:50 PM
Maybe you could say something like, "Hey, we are watching our diets/budgets and would love to go but will have to pass, BUT if you want to stop by the grocery store and pick up a rotisserie chicken, I can make us up some chef salads..." Just be honest. He sounds like a good guy, he'll understand.

mandalinn82
07-02-2009, 02:54 PM
Yep - there's NOTHING wrong with just flat out saying "You know, we're trying to watch what we're eating for health reasons...why don't you come over and we'll cook!" and then cooking something that's celebratory, delicious, company-worthy, and fits in your plan. A real friend, as it sounds like he is, will understand!

kiramira
07-02-2009, 02:55 PM
Hi there!

I know you what you want from DHs' friend, but you can't control what your friend says or does. You have been your friend's eating buddies. This is changing. So your relationship is now changing.

You can't make your DH talk to his friend. Your DH may not want to confront his friend. And IMHO you might just have to respect this. I sure can't force MY DH to do or say anything.

So what to do? It sounds like you and your DH need to be on the same page with respect to eating out. You and your DH need to agree on what and where you will all eat out together. And when the friend asks to "go out for dinner", it is easy to say "we've already eaten" or "no thanks, we're about to sit down but we'll meet you in 30 minutes". AND if your DH agrees, this would be the time to say "because of my MS, I can't eat out anymore becuase the doctor insists that I have a healthy diet. But thanks for the offer. MS SUCKS, man, and I know you'll help me through this." OR YOU can say "you know that DH has MS? Well, that SUCKS, and his doctor doesn't want him eating out so much, so I'm in charge of the meals! Thanks for understanding!!!"
And you shouldn't have to provide meals for this friend 2-3 times a week. He can come over once a week or so IF you can afford it. So ask him to bring some groceries -- you can all hang out together, you'll get help with the costs, and it'll be healthy!!!!

Forcing the issue may not be productive at this time. It can be worked into the conversations "naturally", and probably will be more effective in the long run.

Good luck!!!

:hug:

Kira

Wannabeskinny
07-02-2009, 02:55 PM
I don't think you should tell the guy to stop asking you to come out to eat with him. It's not so much his responsibility to stop asking as it is your responsibility to stop going. Simply say

"Ooo we're stuffed" or
"No, I planned on cooking tonight and I don't want the fish to spoil in the fridge" or
"hubby and I have overdone it with the eating out lately and we need to ease up on our wallets" or... well you see where I'm going with this.

Eventually he'll get the hint. I don't think he's trying to be rude or annoying but let's face it, he's probably used to eating out with you guys alot so it will take some time for him to get used to the new you... you're turning into different people essentially and he'll adjust eventually. I would not try to alienate him by making him feel bad like he's a bad person for asking, you know?

JulieJ08
07-02-2009, 03:25 PM
If it's happening 2-3 times a week, surely it will get comical soon if keeps asking and you never say yes. Hopefully he will soon get the hint just from that. It sounds like he's nice but a little clueless.

RubyGuggenheim
07-02-2009, 03:45 PM
If it doesn't suffice for you to say that you don't want ice cream and your DH and this guy insist that you get icecream, that's kind of jerky of them. I would be really annoyed if my SO and/or friend did this to me, and I'd probably just say, "Listen, I said I didn't want it, and I really wish you'd respect that."

beerab
07-02-2009, 05:01 PM
Thanks guys- you have given me a lot to think about.

You are right we don't have to say yes, and lately we have been saying no a lot. The past few weeks actually. Yesterday was more like he wanted to celebrate- but to me I'm like okay he sees we are saying no more when it's like "hey let's get dinner" but now he's like "let's celebrate?" What's next?

I will be speaking to my husband about him insisting when I've already said no. I just didn't want to argue in front of his friend and say "hey I said NO I don't want ice cream."

I do agree our "relationship" with him is changing.

harrismm
07-02-2009, 05:24 PM
Socially we have been taught to celebrate or "gather" around food.This is something I also struggle with.My DH and I often get invites from friends for dinner or to meet for drinks, both of which cause me diet difficulities.I have now made a deal with me DH.I choose where we go if we accept an invite.That way I can at least control what I eat.

dancerindenver
07-02-2009, 08:18 PM
Don't know if this would work for you but when my bf wants to go for ice cream (a favorite of his) and asks if I want anything I say no, I'm too full but I'd love to have a bite of yours. I've done this when we're with groups of family members or friends and no one has batted an eyelash.

stargzr
07-02-2009, 11:27 PM
I say that if he's a friend of both of you, I would talk to the hubby first and ask him how he feels about it. Maybe this friend of his is really his outlet where he can eat something bad and not feel horrible about because he can always say "so and so wanted to go out". If your hubby feels the way you do, then have him lightly bring it up to the friend. He can say something as simple as - "we're eating healthier and fast food doesn't fit in our diet anymore" to a white lie like "we're trying to save a little extra money for a vacation later this year, so we can't go out to eat as often". Either way, you get a point across and it's gentle enough that he won't feel like you guys don't want to be around him.

bargoo
07-02-2009, 11:35 PM
When he asks you to go out and eat and you don't want to go. DON"T GO !

EZMONEY
07-02-2009, 11:50 PM
Bottom line ~ It's your choices that are going to make or break you dear. You can't do it for your husband or your friend, you need to stick to your guns girl. If the boys wanna go fine...you don't have to. If the friend is bummed because you and dh are eating healthier...too bad so sad.

My wife can go to any restaraunt and eat healthy! Can have 0 or 1 drink...any party...any church activity...any pot luck....as for me...not so good.

It can be done....if your friend doesn't come along for the ride...well, send him a thank-you for the memories card!

you can do this!

Bette k
07-03-2009, 12:43 AM
If the friend is single it probibly is that he just doesn't like to eat alone. He also doesn't want to put you out by having you cook for him so he is thinking if you go out to eat together then he doesn't have to cook for you. There is no obligation for him to return the home made meal which he may not know how to do. Maybe if he wants to socialize over food offer a cook out or picnic, he supplies the meat and you make the salad and veges, then the guys can grill.

BlueToBlue
07-03-2009, 05:08 AM
Does your friend have anyone else to eat out with? I suspect that part of the problem might be that your friend doesn't cook and wants to eat out, but doesn't want to eat out alone. And if he doesn't have anyone else to eat with, he may not want to face the fact that this part of his life is going to have to change.

The fact is that sometimes when our friends make changes in their lives, it impacts our lives in ways we aren't ready for. You've made some big, positive changes in your life, and, as kiramira said, that is going to change your relationship with your friend, in ways that it sounds like he might not be ready for.

I think that your husband, or the both of you, are going to have to have a conversation about this with him. In the long run, I don't think continuing the make excuses for not going out to eat is going to work. For one thing, if you haven't really explained this to him, he probably doesn't realize how serious it is to you. I think you're just going to have to be up front about it and firm with him. Explain about the MS, about trying to lose weight, etc. Acknowledge that the changes you are making also impact him and ask him to be supportive.

It also might help to find some restaurants where you can eat and stay on plan. It can be hard, but not impossible. That way you can still go out sometimes, just not every night.

canadianwoman
07-03-2009, 05:44 AM
Get your friend a lady to eat out with.:)

beerab
07-06-2009, 11:40 AM
Thanks guys- yes I think part of it is the fact he doesn't have anyone else to go out to eat with. In fact his sister is now losing weight so she won't go with him either, his brother and wife just bought a house so money is tight they won't go out either. Then us as well as our other friend (his ex) won't go out with him either.

I mean I ALMOST feel sorry for him but not really lol. He has to take care of himself I'm not his mother- he lives at home with his parents who cook, he doesn't HAVE to eat out.

My husband and I talked he said he will just be more firm about saying no to his friend and promises to not egg me on anymore to eat out... I mean we do eat out now and then, but we try to go to healthier places. My husband is slightly in denial cuz of his MS he can't eat out like he used to, which is another problem. He said if his friend just doesn't take the hint he'll pull him aside and tell him that we just can't eat out like we used to and hope he understands and he's welcome to come over and pitch in with dinner now and then or eat dinner THEN come over.

Oh canadianwoman I have tried to hook this guy up with MANY girls, he's going to be a perpetual bachelor his whole life because he just doesn't want to work on a relationship and when he's got the attitude of "B*TCH takes half" I prefer to not subject any more of the female population to his attitude...

And yes, I agree, in the end it was my choice to go- but that's why I'm here asking for help on some ways to get some help and strength! :) Thanks everyone!

canadianwoman
07-06-2009, 01:04 PM
Oh canadianwoman I have tried to hook this guy up with MANY girls, he's going to be a perpetual bachelor his whole life because he just doesn't want to work on a relationship and when he's got the attitude of "B*TCH takes half" I prefer to not subject any more of the female population to his attitude...


If you were in Ontario,Canada I would ask if you were talking about my ex-boyfriend. :rofl:

Well...all I can add is good luck and I hope it works out for you.

beerab
07-06-2009, 01:16 PM
LOL! He must have a twin!

It's so funny cuz when he says that I look at him and say HALF of what?! You are 32 and still live at home!

Thanks- I'm very determined lately!

thinpossible
07-06-2009, 03:25 PM
Now do you think my husband should speak to him? Just like on the side like hey man we love when you come hang out BUT we just can't eat out anymore or go out for treats either. We hope you understand, and hey you are welcome to eat dinner where-ever you want THEN come over later- but we won't be eating out anymore/like we used to. And I'd invite him over for dinner each time BUT money is tight and we can't afford to feed a third person 2-3 times a week...
This is exactly what I'd do. Have DH tell him your health and your budget simply won't allow you to eat out very often.

H8cake
07-06-2009, 04:05 PM
We end up eating out more than I would like because of my work. I have a list of restaurants where there are decent options for me and those are the only places we go. The family probably gets tired of the same choices but they deal with it. The hubby and I have learned to split things, which helps with the budget and the calorie intake. Applebees has the weight watchers options, even though they say they are sometimes higher in calories than they claim depending on the cook, I've still lost just fine eating them. Cold Stone ice cream has some options that aren't too bad. I just stick to a very small serving of their fat free, sugar free stuff. I like the idea of asking him to bring something to your house. Two to three times a week is quite a bit to be hanging out with you and your husband, kinda puts him in the family category in my mind. I would treat it like that, if he imposes that much he needs to deal with how you do things.