30-Somethings - Need help with an intimate problem...




juneteenth
06-30-2009, 01:52 AM
Okay, I know this might be TMI...but my hubby and I are having trouble with our sex life. I have appointments set up with my doctor, and with my psychiatrist....but the appointments are both weeks away.

Since I have been losing weight, my sex drive has increased- part of that might be that my kids are a little older now (youngest is now 4, so they are more able to play together without my constant help) whatever it is, it's ok...but for the past 2 months now, I have been unable to orgasm. :( DH tries to act like he doesn't care- I try to act like it doesn't matter. But it's aweful. This has never been an issue before.

DH thinks it's because I no longer find him sexy (but I do!) or that I no longer want to be with him.....He's started working out since I told him about this, and he's lost about 15 pounds, but I honestly don't think that's the issue, I don't think it's one of desire- because the drive is there...

I don't know, it's putting a wedge between us, because he feels like he's failing me, I feel like I'm failing him.....and I'm at the point where i don't want to talk to him about it anymore because it makes him feel bad.

I was hoping someone might have some words of wisdom for us? I have 2 more weeks before I can talk to my Doctor, and 3 before I can get in to see my psychiatrist. (not on any meds, and haven't been for the past 6 months)

Any ideas?


kaplods
06-30-2009, 02:13 AM
I starting having the same problem, but for me it was because of two medications that affect neurotransmitters (amitriptyline, an older antidepressant I was on to improve sleep quality, and tramadol a pain medication).

Timing sex so that it was as far away from the last dose of the medication, was our only chance (and the odds weren't good that I was going to climax, and even if I did, it was going to take a long time to get there, be quicker than a sneeze, and not register very high on the richter scale, so to speak).

Oddly enough, it was another neurotransmitter affecting drug that reversed the problem (cyclobenzaprine, a muscle relaxant), perhaps re-establishing some type of neurotransmitter balance.

I know that doesn't help you, exactly - but your doctor may be able to prescribe medications that may help.

I have also considered KY intense "arousal gel" (supposed to "intensify female satisfaction), but have not heard whether or how it works.

Hyacinth
06-30-2009, 02:38 AM
To tell you the truth, I'd probably fake it. I know it's not "honest" and all that, but it would solve a few problems for the interim ... and I assume this is a temporary problem. It would put his mind at ease.

Otherwise, experiment with toys. I have a cooling cream that feels like a little air conditioner in your pants, or perhaps invest in a Hitachi magic wand.


Lissus
06-30-2009, 03:42 AM
I second the suggestion for a hitachi wand (that thing is aaaaaaamaaaaaazing *purrrr*),or a rabbit vibe (my personal fav), but I don't agree with faking it. That's never a good idea. Honesty is crucial in a relationship, especially in the sex department.

Try bringing DH to an adult toy store with you, find some toys, watch some porn, and make it fun. If you're stressed about it, you wont be able to relax and enjoy. Make it fun, take it as an opportunity to spice up your sex life, and try things you might not have before. Even if you don't orgasm right away, you could have LOTS of fun trying ;)

And definitely check with your doctors about the medication. Personally, I think your body is just changing, and what's worked in the past might not be working now, your "sweet spot" might have shifted, so try different positions or gadgets that will hit it.

Good luck to you.

Platinum
06-30-2009, 04:02 AM
I agree don't fake it! Why would you want to???? You deserve to climax and have that release too! I would agree this is prolly not permanent and maybe investing in some toys or creams would help get things started for you down there. I just went to my first Passion Party last week and had always thought those things were a little intimidating but after the Party and seeing things up close and being able to talk about it with the girls was fun and peaked my interest in a few items! LOL!

Seriously go to your local adult store with your man and find some cooling creams or something to use with your man, or rather him use with you, during sex play! My friend told me those little bullets are awesome. Haven't gotten mine yet but am excited for them to arrive! LOL! If your a little nervous to go pick them up or don't know what to get google the passion partys online catalog! It will help you get an idea of what you might want to get!

Maybe this will help in the meantime till you can get to the doctor for a more specific cause. :) Good luck to ya!

pucedaisy
06-30-2009, 10:03 PM
yes, yes, try some toys. vibrators can be delightful, solo or with a partner. babeland.com or goodvibes.com are sites i would recommend for exploring. even before i started taking SSRIs, i had a difficult (impossible) time orgasming to "regular" stimulation, tho i enjoyed sex. bringing a vibrator into play brought satisfaction to me and my partner. vibrators and other sex toys can be used in sex as vanilla or spicy as you desire.

but overall, i want to say, that sex is not solely about orgasm. ive had very satisfying sex without orgasm. sometimes its just not gonna go there- for me or for him! (tho the latter is less common, let's face it) id rather just feel the good and not stress about whats not happening. (but when i want it, if it takes a vibrator (and a skilled hand in the right place) then let's go!)

Inkedmama98
07-01-2009, 11:44 AM
The Rabbit is the best thing ever created :) I agree with all those who said try toys, they are great "fill ins" when needed.

Shannon in ATL
07-01-2009, 12:15 PM
As I read your post I was thinking about how the weight loss might have affected you physically, and I see that Lissus said the same thing. You've lost 63 pounds, you are most likely shaped differently, what worked in the past might not work exactly the same as before. Different pressures on different places, etc. Try experimenting with different positions and techniques, and nothing wrong at all with integrating some toys into the mix. You guys are probably also both nervous and self conscious about the situation as well, and orgasm is as much a mental thing (at least for me) as a physical thing. Mixing things up a little might distract from that running line on your heads of 'is it going to actually work this time?' and allow you to fully enjoy the moment.

Good luck sweetie!

juneteenth
07-05-2009, 01:36 PM
Thanks so much for all the support & ideas :) Hubby & I are both at a point I think where the pressure is just making it impossible right now. So we are going to abstain completely for a week, then ship the kids off to my in-laws for a few days. We are each going toy shopping as well. :D

LBH
07-05-2009, 04:32 PM
Sending the kids away for a few days sounds like a great idea!

SamanthaJubilee
07-07-2009, 12:22 PM
I hate going there, but can you climax with masterbation? have you tried?

There are all kinds of things you can buy to help. I would suggest trying the new KY warming sensation as a starting point. Some men do get very self conscious & feel "jealous" when you bring in the toys...so be cautious!

Rebound
07-09-2009, 02:30 PM
Sometimes when there ends up being SO MUCH riding on it, it's just too stressful to get it to happen on its own!

I'm going to add "fake it," but to a different end. I've found (and I KNOW that I've read somewhere) that going through the motions of beginning to fake it can often throw you right into a real one! I can personally vouch for this.

In other words, "fake it 'till you make it!"

So maybe you're of the opinion that faking it is ALWAYS a bad idea -- I consider there to be a lot of gray are there :)

Harps
08-05-2009, 12:49 PM
Sometimes when there ends up being SO MUCH riding on it, it's just too stressful to get it to happen on its own!

I'm going to add "fake it," but to a different end. I've found (and I KNOW that I've read somewhere) that going through the motions of beginning to fake it can often throw you right into a real one! I can personally vouch for this.

In other words, "fake it 'till you make it!"

So maybe you're of the opinion that faking it is ALWAYS a bad idea -- I consider there to be a lot of gray are there :)


ooh rebound, just wanted to say I agree with you there! I have definately pushed myself over the edge just by faking it. I LOVE when that happens :)

Rebound
08-05-2009, 01:00 PM
ooh rebound, just wanted to say I agree with you there! I have definately pushed myself over the edge just by faking it. I LOVE when that happens :)

I know! It's crazy but it totally works!

HotWings
08-05-2009, 02:37 PM
Just wanted to jump in here and give a hearty yes to the being creative thing. You can find lots of interesting things here: adameve.com .. for both of you. Also, the few times I have ordered they have slipped in something for free (free dvd (fun to watch with DH!), free toy).

I wonder if there is a natural (BUT SAFE) supplement you can take for that which actually WORKS? Hmmm.. might be worth checking into.

Good luck to you! :yes:

UniquelyNormal
08-05-2009, 04:04 PM
My two cents & experiences....

I think my "spot" moves higher/lower as a gain & shed weight. As a medium sized person I never had that big O. As a larger person it works best with him on top, as a smaller person it's best with me on top.

My second observation is that bodies go through cycles. Every body has a different cycle but they can range from every few months to years. You plateau while losing weight, your taste buds shed & rotate every couple of weeks, you have energetic bursts and moody times.... why not sexual rotations too? The more frustrated you get the harder it is. Relax, have fun, try something new :)

BlueFruitMomma
08-05-2009, 10:22 PM
I've read some really great stuff here! Setting time aside to explore new positions, toys, lubricants, lotions, mental stimulation (porn). . . You ladies are awesome!

For me, orgasm is mental first, stimulation second, with the exception of my first vibrator experiences. If I am "not in the mood" when DH and I start, I am unlikely to orgasm. Sometimes I have to read or fantasize and masterbate for a bit to get in the mood. Some nights I can tell that the usual position is just not going to ring my bell. Also, a bit of fantasy during the act can help me get there. Maybe some role play, maybe just talking dirty to him and hearing/feeling him react can get me ready to go when he does. I wouldn't recommend faking it to placate him, but that's your call.

TracyB73
08-14-2009, 10:23 AM
Could it be that you are thinking too much about the orgasm like trying to hard, perhaps you aren't relaxing I know it's hard not to think, I want to get there can I do it this time, but the more you do the harder it will be for you. I hope this helps.