Ugh. I was just out with my aunt and she said some things that really hurt…
Some background: my 64-year-old aunt has a form of bone cancer and is recovering from a stem cell transplant. She is my height at 5’8” but just now about 100 pounds, slowly gaining after a low near 90, caused by her poor appetite from cancer treatments. But she’s always been slender, like a ballet dancer, and very concerned about her appearance. As for me, I was a thin child, but after becoming a teenager, my weight has been up and down like crazy. I’ve lost over 50 pounds before and regained it, and had many many smaller ups and down since… but I have not yet reached that stable place of losing and staying at goal.
Before she had cancer, she had an edge that could come out in conversations, but now that she is sick, I definitely notice it more.
We ordered, after she finished telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty if I ordered stuff like I have ordered in the past… French onion soup, mac and cheese, salads with blue cheese dressing. But my cholesterol is high and my doctor wants me to get it down or go on a statin drug. So loads of cheese is not on my menu choices... and I don’t really miss that stuff.
I had a portobello mushroom appetizer and a bowl of chili. My aunt had a big platter of fried fish and chips. Then we began to discuss judgements on physical appearances. She brought up a woman on the news who suffered from gigantism… and then I mentioned what the obese face, and said that I had a lot of sympathy for them (being a member too) for how difficult it is to lose and keep off weight. Not impossible, but challenging… that I had found it hard with a mindset I have fallen into of needing to be perfectly “On the Diet” then later rebelling and eating whatever I wanted.
She then mentioned she had seen a segment on TV that said fast food was formulated to push buttons in people for the senses of salty and sweet and can be addictive. I agreed that food can act like a drug in that sense. At that moment, the waiter came over and said he could get us the dessert menu if we’d like to look it over. I declined, but my aunt said she’d like to look it over.
She did so, then handed it over to me. Now I was pretty full, but I was tempted by the lemon mousse cake, thinking it’d be light, so I ordered a slice. The waiter went off to get it.
“Oh Sarah…” she said. “I thought you said you were done.” She looked at me with a sour face.
“Well… aren’t you getting anything?” I asked.
“I would have loved something, but I can’t eat anything on that menu.” (She’s lactose-intolerant.)
I just sat there, too surprised at this scene to say anything.
“Different mindset, I guess” she said dismissively, playing with a piece of paper on the table and avoiding my eyes.
“Hmmm.” I said. Conversation died down after that. After feeling shamed and judged, there was no way in **** I was going to eat that dessert in front of her, so I took the piece of cake to go after the waiter brought it to the table.
Besides, even if I was starving, that cake would taste like sand, eating it while she said there and watched.
I was so steamed and offended to be talked to like I was a stupid child, but I said nothing besides polite conversation.
ARRRRRRRRRGH! I have to admit, what I want to do now is throw the cake in my fridge into the trash and immediately go on a crash diet to ‘show her.’
Of course I do need to lose weight, and I know this. I know that crash dieting is not the smart way to do it also…. and that I need to lose weight for myself. But oooOOooooo!
I’ll tell you, it’s good incentive, but I just lost a little bit of the sympathy I have for her in her sickness, I’m ashamed to say. It must have been nice to have thin parents, and the best of everything growing up, when I got a fat mom with her own weight struggles and painful history, and a stretch of WIC/food stamps as a kid… and a nice bunch of weirdness around food that comes after a good part of my childhood was being force-fed food I didn’t want by my mother, until my plate was clean or I vomited (this part is admittedly unknown to my aunt, and will definitely remain so.)
Not that I’m just a product of my upbringing, but I tell you… this kind of judgement is EXACTLY what I was talking about. Different mindset indeed.
Honestly? I think she was continuing on the conversation you were having earlier, about certain foods being addictive. You had previously told her you "...had found it hard with a mindset (you had) fallen into of needing to be perfectly “On the Diet” then later rebelling and eating whatever (you) wanted", you were agreeing with her about food acting like a drug, you said you were full, and then you ordered dessert that you said you didn't want. Maybe she honestly thought she was helping to reinforce your self-control.
You say she doesn't know about your food issues from when you were growing up. I would think that this would make a considerable difference to the way she "judges" you. But you haven't told her, so how can she know? Sounds like you would like her to modify her comments to account for your history, but she can't because she knows nothing about it.
Yep, overreaction in my book. Proving her wrong would be the best "revenge", if that's what you want. But I think she heard you asking for support and she was offering it in the best way she knew how.
I know that a look or a way of fiddling with a napkin or a particular expression says VOLUMES if you know the person you are with (welcome to life with my Mother). And I won't tell you if you are right or not. I just know you FEEL judged, and angry and hurt and upset. And you have the RIGHT to feel this way. And MAN did this bring up alot for you.
All I can suggest is to repeat this mantra over and OVER AND OVER again: "Poor thing. This is the best that she can do."
Which means that after a lifetime of her behaviors, you aren't likely to change attitudes or beliefs or the way she views the world. And we ALL know that with age, these things that are ingrained get so much WORSE rather than better.
My mantra really helps me because it recognizes to me that while behaviour is hurtful, but the hurtful person should be pitied and dealt with kindly because it really IS the best that he/she could do.
And I would keep this in mind and visit with her, but I would avoid eating situations in the future, for sure. Because this is what triggers the judgement. And who wants to spend time feeling crappy about ones' self?
Breathe! Take some time and do something nice for yourself. You can't rely on anyone else to treat you as well as you MUST treat yourself...
Primm, you're a kind soul. But I guess I saw something in her face that wasn't helpful, but scornful. You're right though that I can't expect her to react based on my old history, but only what she knows. And she is dying, so really, I do have compassion for her. I was just surprised by how hurt I was by her expression and inflection, to the point where I almost teared up, and I am not a public crier
Kiramira, I did go off on a strong note there at the end, heh! Yeah, there is a history there I guess... plus my mom thinks my aunt not so secretly thinks she is trash and talks to her like she is simple. One thing I can say for my mother is that she is brilliant (and driven and has overcome huge obstacles in her life), and I do see where my aunt (my father's sister btw) does speak to her as if she's tolerable but not really good company.
My aunt can be a wonderful, funny person, but she is also prickly... to the point where now she has no close friends. I am actually her closest friend I would say, and she relies on me to go out with her every few weeks to a play, concert or dinner.
I have cooled down mostly now, and I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but... well, it's hard for me to hear that stuff from someone who was never 10 pounds overweight her whole life.
Primm, you're a kind soul. But I guess I saw something in her face that wasn't helpful, but scornful. You're right though that I can't expect her to react based on my old history, but only what she knows. And she is dying, so really, I do have compassion for her. I was just surprised by how hurt I was by her expression and inflection, to the point where I almost teared up, and I am not a public crier
Yeah, it's a bit hard to assess the situation from words on a page. You were there and you saw how she looked at you. LIke kira said, a look or a gesture can say far more than the spoken word.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BerkshireGrl
Oh and p.s. I looked at the cake just now and it's moldy
A sign from God? Ha!
Hahahahaha! Your aunt really didn't want you to eat that cake, did she?
RANT: Family Judgments (long)
Ha!
