At my wit's end with my roommate (who also happens to be family) (long)! - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

grneyedmustang · 06-23-2009, 09:49 AM

Last year, my brother was having some issues "finding himself" (he's 25), so I informed him that if things didn't work out in Arkansas (where he's from), he could come out here, get himself together, and make a fresh start. I informed him that he would pay approximately $400 for rent and utilities in my house, when he moved out here. He ended up moving out here in January. Since he moved out here, he has had trouble finding a job, and has gotten himself into a heap of trouble, which includes numerous traffic tickets and a DUI (which isn't his first)! He has a part time job at home depot, so he's not making much money.

After he got into trouble, I informed him that he needs to let people know what's going on in his life, because they may be able to help. He has not said anything to me about his plans, and at this point, I feel like he's taking advantage of the whole situation. He has paid $200 since he's been here for rent. I know he's financially strapped, especially since he's gotten into legal trouble, but at this point, I feel that I am enabling him. Him getting into trouble has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and the agreement we had previously.

I feel like if I put him out, my family is going to label me selfish and cold, and give me the guilt trip about "how I couldn't have gotten where I am without the help of others" -- but I also feel like he's gotten very stagnant, comfortable, and is taking advantage of this whole situation. I ask him what's going on with the legal situation and he always gives me the same answer - the lawyer and I are going to discuss it next week. His court date was June 3rd for the DUI, and every week since that is the answer I have been given when I ask about his sentencing. He has not said anything about getting his life together, life goals, moving out, anything!

Do I put him out? He's not a "bad" roommate, but I feel that I'm enabling him, and frankly - I want my house back! It's not my job to support a 25 year old man who is coasting through life!

sws19 · 06-23-2009, 10:09 AM

gosh. this is a tough one. i definitely see both sides of the story, but i think you make a good point about enabling his behavior because at this point he has no real motivation to change. i'm not sure what kind of relationship you have, but you seem like you've been a good sister to him. is it possible for you to sit him down and give him a gentle ultimatum? like he needs to get his s**t together or he's getting the boot? if you have the flexibility, you could tell him that you love him and you want to see him stand on his own two feet. you know the job market is tough right now, but starting tomorrow, you need to see him at least make a good faith effort to try and find more steady work and save money and not get into trouble and stuff in order for him to be welcome in your home. and then together you could set a goal of his being able to make good on rent by X date (ie: Sept. 1) or else he needs to make other arrangements.
in the meantime he could scour craigslist for odd jobs. people are always looking for other people for light manual labor and also a lot of restaurants are frequently hiring back of house kitchen staff and line chefs and stuff. that doesn't pay so well, but i think it might not be so hard to at least get your foot in the door. and if he has any serving experience, that would be an even better option.

kiramira · 06-23-2009, 10:15 AM

Put him out!!!!
I know, easier said than done. I'm in a similar type of situation with my brother and I'm working through it, too.
From what I've read above, I think that putting him out will really actually HELP him out. It doesn't sound like he's had to suffer the consequences of his behavior -- he has a roof over his head and 3 squares a day despite getting into loads of trouble (I wonder if there is there an alcohol problem here) and squandering his funds.
An easier way to do this might be to put him out somewhat gracefully. It'll cost you some $$$, but one way to do this is to get a month-to-month cheap rental for him, even if it is a room in another house. Pay for 1 month or 2 months. Tell him that he has a place to live but that he's going to have to come up with the $$$ to keep on living there. And that you have CONFIDENCE that he is OLD enough to take care of himself. Because clearly what you are doing now isn't working well for either of you. And you can't MAKE him get a full-time job and you can't MAKE him work to pay you the rent. But you can set him free. Circumstance will dictate what he does. Right now, there is no reason for him to change -- why would he? He is living quite well right now.
And get ready for family criticism! But by providing him some short-term accommodations, you KNOW you aren't kicking him out onto the street. He will have a place to go to, but will be forced to look after himself.

Kira

beerab · 06-23-2009, 10:29 AM

My advice would be to talk to him and tell him that you are concerned that he's not getting things together like he should be. Ask him if there is anything you can personally do to help him- even if it's driving him over to a job interview or something.

He's working part time so he should be able to spend 4 hours a day searching for another job... And he should be able to give you $100 a week if he's working part time- I'm assuming he's eating your food as well.

Also remind him he hasn't given you more than $200 and he owes you (whatever he owes you).

Are you married? If you are, what does your husband think of this?

After you talk to him, give him 2 weeks and don't say a word. If he doesn't improve or give you any more money just tell him that he has two months till he has to move out. So by September first he must be out.

If the family gets upset with you I'd tell them to take him in then. He's been there at least 6 months- it'd be different if he were paying rent like he was supposed to but he's not and now he's a financial burden on you as well as the fact he is getting ticket's and a DUI- which shows you he just doesn't care.

Hope it all works out.

On one hand if he doesn't pay you any money it's easier to kick him out...

grneyedmustang · 06-23-2009, 11:40 AM

As much as I would like to just put him out, he's still family and I don't want to see him homeless.

He did tell me that he wanted to find a second job, but his lawyer told him to start doing community service to show the judge a good faith effort, so of course, now he doesn't have time to get the second job. And I totally agree that he hasn't fully felt the ramifications of his behavior, which is why he's in "chill mode". He does buy some of his own groceries, but another "minor thing" that's pissing me off - he buys a bunch of junk food (honey buns, deep fried crap, sodas, etc.) - but then wants to eat the healthy stuff I buy (veggies, produce, fruit, etc.)!

September 1st sounds like a good "day of reckoning". I think I'm going to ask him what does he plan on doing, and let him know that he has until the 1st of September to get it together.

Kiramira, he definitely has issues with alcohol. He's in denial about the fact that he's an alcoholic, which adds another angle to this whole situation.

And I'm not married; I'm sure that if I had a hubby, he'd be quite perturbed by the whole situation. I also need to be prepared for "family backlash" - my dad gave me quite the spiel when my brother went to jail for the DUI back in April, telling me about how my life choices haven't always been stellar and I have no right to judge my brother and be angry with him (but yeah, I've never been to jail!)...which is why I know that my parents are going to have something to say if I put him out.

kiramira · 06-23-2009, 12:00 PM

Hon, you might do well with joining a group for family members of alcoholics, because this really is a complex situation that involves figuring out what your responsiblity is and what others will say and understanding the ramifactions of what is going on.

It sounds great that you've put a time limit on things. And you have to be prepared to follow through in September, because you'll PROBABLY get the "well I'm still deciding and want to get it together and I need more help" scenario. Seriously look into getting him alternate temporary accommodations for 1 September, if you can -- at the very least, you'll know you haven't put him out without somewheres to stay...

Kira

beerab · 06-23-2009, 01:44 PM

Meh family will bug no matter what- I'd just flat out say "I'm not judging, I'm just not going to be taken advantage of anymore."

I mean what just cuz you did something "not so stellar" things yourself means you have to deal with your brother? I don't think so.

If your parents care so much tell them to take your brother lol

I think from January to September is PLENTY of time for him to find good enuogh work- and unless he's volunteering every waking moment I can't see why he has no time to find a second job- even if it's flipping burgers at McDonald's... Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do a job you don't like...

starfishkitty · 06-23-2009, 05:07 PM

Been in this situation.... and it sucks.

*sigh*

I think you should do as they said above.... talk to him about it, like an adult and try not to condescend in anyway..... explain to him your feelings and emotions about it (but cut it short, he's a guy after all...) and then give him a deadline.

grneyedmustang · 06-24-2009, 08:24 AM

Well, I had the talk with him last night.

He just "shut down" (which is what he usually does when he feels that he's being attacked or on the defensive). I basically told him that I would be willing to help him in any way that I can, but after September 1, I will no longer help him by allowing him to stay in my house for free.

I hope he gets it together. He's still my brother, so I feel bad about telling him that, but I refuse to be an enabler. I also feel that three more months is sufficient enough time for him to try and get it together.

kiramira · 06-24-2009, 02:44 PM

You are some STRONG green-eyed mustang, chickie!!!

Well done, you...

Kira

beerab · 06-24-2009, 05:00 PM

Ug how annoying- I hate when people do that- it's not like you are attacking them- but they just like to take it that way.

Until then don't say another word about the subject- if the third week of August comes up and he's still at your home I'd remind him he has to leave on the first...

In the meantime don't take a dime from him- that way if you have to call the cops to get him out (I hope it doesn't come to that) you can say he doesn't pay rent and is not on the lease.