20-Somethings - OT-heartbroken and venting

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06-15-2009, 06:18 PM
hola chicas,

so i've had a horrible day. my boyfriend of almost 3 years and i broke up this morning. i've been a hot mess ever since. he's jewish and i'm catholic and he's becoming more and more orthodox and has been struggling with dating someone who's not jewish, as it is against the torah. we're both trying to find a way to make it work because we both love eachother incredibly, but he doesn't think there is a way. i'm absolutely torn, because we both knew we would marry eachother. i honestly thought we'd be together for eternity (gross, i know). it just sucks.

we actually already had a lot of our future planned out, and i can't really imagine my life without him. i'm not dependent on him, i was a complete person before i met him, and i know i will continue to be, but have you ever met that person who just makes you a better version of yourself? i feel like i lost that.

it's so hard because it's something i know i can't control. i've made a lot of compromises to try to do what i need to to help him work this out, but nothing seems to work. it all comes down to him struggling with his religion and he honestly doesn't think there's a way to make it work. which kills me, because deep down inside, i know there is, i just don't know what it is.

i'm also afraid of what this will do to my body, because i'm already ill. i've been throwing up all day and can't keep any food down. i'm in physical pain, i miss him so much. i've been crying so long my eyes are almost swollen shut. i can't even think of food right now. i never thought i'd be that girl, i always hated that girl in the movies, i wanted to slap her cuz she was annoying. maybe i need the slap now.

i don't know if i'm actually looking for advice or just needed an ear to listen (or an eye to read, as the case may be) but i greatly appreciate you tolerating my rant.

Iconised Ghost
06-15-2009, 06:40 PM
oh thats awful :hug: i cant imagine how i would feel if that happened to me. Stay strong :hug:

06-15-2009, 06:49 PM
I feel awful for you. Religion is a very tricky issue.

06-15-2009, 06:53 PM
Big Hugs!!!

06-15-2009, 06:58 PM
I'm so sorry. :hug: A breakup after so long is a horrible empty feeling, but you will get through this. Be good to yourself and take it easy for a few days. The pain you feel now will not stay forever.

06-15-2009, 08:13 PM
Aw, honey. I bet you feel really alone right now, I'm so sorry for that. :(
As someone who is... extremely non-religious, I hope you don't mind my pointing out that... I think he's an idiot for dropping a relationship that clearly made you both very happy over religious reasons. I don't have faith, and as a result of that, I simply can't understand how one could give up life and love over a difference in religions that both honour the same God.

But y'know what, what it comes down to is that it happened. And it's horrible, and gut-wrenchingly painful, and I could just see you crying at the computer monitor as you typed that out, and it brought back tons of painful memories of me doing the same kind of thing, and I just ached for you. :(

It's stupid, and cliche, and almost aggravating to hear, but... this too shall pass. Either boy will come to his senses and realize that it's not worth the loss you're both suffering (which I hope for)... or you'll move on. And some day.... probably in the not too distant future, you'll meet someone who recognizes that a life with you is worth so much more than current boy could ever even imagine.

In the meantime, whenever I break up, I go to this site/read this book, because it makes me feel less alone. Maybe it's just me, but any time I break up with someone, EVERYONE else in my world seems to be in love. In love, engaged or having kids, and I'm like, "Please die." So go here to read fun stories of crazy exes, and to be reminded that you're not alone:


06-15-2009, 08:40 PM
I also think if your love is that strong. It can go through anything.Maybe he is just confused right now.:hug:

06-16-2009, 01:16 PM
thank you all, i really appreciate the kind words. i'm such a mess right now i didn't know who to talk to. usually i turn to him, obviously that won't work.

jelbb, what you said really hit home. i'm hoping he comes to his senses because i can't imagine myself with anyone else, but if he doesn't then he's not the person i thought he was.

god this is so tough.

06-16-2009, 01:31 PM

I'm so sorry Amy.

I'm with jelbb. I was raised Catholic, but I was never really good at it because in my heart I just feel that if you're happy, truly happy (as in "in love") God is thrilled for you, no matter what, regardless of what religion you are or if you eat meat on Fridays. If you are truly meant to be, he'll realize he's wrong and come back and work things out. And if not, you will find someone who loves you for you, and not worry about what faith you have or do not have.

More hugs!!!

06-16-2009, 02:04 PM
For some individuals, religion is not something "outside" of themselves...it truly can be an expression of their deepest beliefs about life, the universe, god, and our place in the world. While Judaism and Christianity stem from a belief in the same God, Christianity takes a very different turn in that it believes that Jesus came to change the world. Many of the traditions that Jews embrace are lost in Christianity, and while I know you're in pain from losing someone you love, I have to also respect him for dealing fairly in telling you that he doesn't feel that he can compromise his deepest beliefs in order to be in a relationship. Inter-religious relationships can be difficult even among different denominations of Christianity -- they can be even more difficult in religions that do not have that belief in Jesus as a strong common bond.

Many people are able to make relationships like this work, but many others find it too difficult, especially when factoring in children, parental roles, etc. It's always sad to lose a relationship that seems strong over something that you don't believe to be a big issue, but the truth is...if it's a big issue for one person in the relationship, it's a big issue for the relationship.

Of course, you could always consider converting to Judaism if you two really want to be together but he needs to be with someone who shares the same faith. But I suspect that may not be a realistic answer to the dilemma here.

06-16-2009, 06:30 PM

You don't need a slap-- you need a hug. So here is me giving you a hug!

I am so sorry, it sucks having religion come between people (I have this issue myself with a guy I like to distraction, he is Jewish too). Its the saddest thing it really is, because its not you and it kind of isn't him either, its his religion. Have you talked about all this with him (stupid question)? And have you considered converting?

I just hope all works out for you--- how ever it is meant to work out for you. I wish you tons of the best...... hug hug hug :hug:

06-17-2009, 10:40 AM
girl, i am sooo sorry you are going through this. i have to admit, i've read this thread with great interest because i feel like if you flip it and reverse it, the fundamental question here is the same for me. i'm jewish. in theory, i only want to marry someone jewish, but by gosh, those catholic boys. sigh. so as a result i've just not gotten into a relationship with anyone because i don't want to start something that will eventually need to end, no matter how well it works out. or i don't want to be forced into a position of making the choice your bf is making. i've walked out on two relationships where this was a factor, though not the only factor, and i tell you, it's horrible and gut wrenching for everyone involved. and on different days i think i'd choose different things. and some days i wake up thinking "eff it all, be with whom you love." i know this isn't much consolation, but please know that i'm sure your boyf is really struggling with this as well.
and just to throw in something from the other side, the thing with jews and marrying within the faith is not just solely about marrying within the faith. it also has something to do with the survival of the religion, our numbers are decreasing dramatically due to intermarriage which is not even to mention the whole holocaust issue. jews have always been a minority and until the most recent modern era, have been historically oppressed, so they have a real underdogs mentality of sticking together. and lastly, jews tend to view themselves as a people and not just a religion.
and i'm sure you've thought of this already and for your own reasons it isn't a viable option: but conversion? depending upon how traditionally observant he is, this may be a make or break decision. traditionally, the religion is passed matrilineally, so that could also be an issue.

06-17-2009, 11:17 AM
I am so sorry to hear that :hug:

I know it feels like the end of the world for you but try to keep your head up. Whatever happens, happens for a reason.

06-17-2009, 11:18 AM
thanks again to everyone who's helping me out. you're all giving me very different perspectives of this.

i actually did consider converting but because my beliefs are so strong they can't be changed. i think it would be disrespectful for both my religion and his to convert if it's not true. plus then we set ourselves up for resenting eachother years down the road; me if he doesn't compromise on anything i'll think about what i gave up for him, and him for my not fully believing in what i'm doing.

we actually had a really good talk last night, and though we're not back together, we're going to see what we can work out. we're working through this logically (which is the hardest think for me because i listen to my heart only and rarely ever my head) because that's the best way to make it work. while we're not actually together, we're trying to figure it out together, but with our own space. him on his end, me on mine, and coming together every so often to tell eachother what we've found. i think he needs a lot of space to work through this on his own, but he also needs to know that he's not the only one fighting for this, and he needs to fully understand my beliefs and where i can bend to see where he has to, and can.

sw- thank you so much for your response. we've actually talked a lot about that. he believes the line is carried through the father's side, so that's not an issue for him. part of our conversation last night was talking about our family (not yet existant) and how we'd raise our children. he was afraid that they wouldn't be raised with any judaism, but i think that's a terrible idea. while we haven't worked it out completely, we have ideas. as we work it out, if you want to know more about it, i can pm you because maybe what we figure out, even if it doesn't work for us, may work for you.

06-17-2009, 01:22 PM
I knew a family in college - mom was Catholic, father was Jewish - they raised the children with both religions, and then at a certain age (I think it was 13) the kids chose which way they wanted to go, Catholic or Jewish.

06-17-2009, 02:30 PM
My mother is Jewish and my father is Lutheran. They got a lot of grief from their families way back in the mid-1970s when they were initially dating and essentially had to elope because their parents were so against it. My grandparents have softened greatly over the years, but my mother still feels really uncomfortable in her in-laws house.

Neither of my parents are very religious (perhaps still bitter over what they went through to get married?), but we three children were raised with elements of both religions. We celebrated holidays from both religions and our parents left us free to be religious or not as we chose.

I am essentially atheist, but I think of myself as culturally and ethnically Jewish. One of my sisters was very active with Hillel in college. The other married a guy who is nominally Catholic and leans more toward the christian side, I think. All of us have always found it easier to date guys who weren't very hardcore into religion. One sister recently had to rebuff a guy she actually liked because he was too religious and she didn't want these problems that you're currently dealing with to come up after she'd gotten entrenched in a relationship.

I see from your last post that you two are trying to work it out and see what happens. I really urge you to think hard about this. If your beliefs are so strong that you can't consider converting (actually a pretty difficult thing to do) and his are leaning more and more orthodox, this may just be delaying the inevitable. You two need to have frank discussions about what the future may bring, especially in regards to extended family interaction and children.

chicky viv
06-17-2009, 06:33 PM
That totally sucks amyleigh! So sorry and be stronge.

06-17-2009, 06:52 PM
I really urge you to think hard about this. If your beliefs are so strong that you can't consider converting (actually a pretty difficult thing to do) and his are leaning more and more orthodox, this may just be delaying the inevitable. You two need to have frank discussions about what the future may bring, especially in regards to extended family interaction and children.

RocketBunny- I totally agree with you. It's so hard especially once you bring children into the mix.

Good luck girl!