Saving Myself
Hello To Everyone,
I am looking for help with my eating.The short version, I grew up skinny and active until my homelife fell apart when I was 12. By 13, I didnt actually realize I was getting fat. What I noticed were kids making fun of my belly saying I was pregnant. I wasnt. I was getting fat. I didnt even see it. I dont remember a love of food. I remember being sad and alone all the time. I went from this to an emotionally abusive marriage at 18. From here I went to 255 pounds, this is where I lived, til I was 40.
At 40, I was diagnosed diabetic. It tunred out to be a lifesaver.I found an online group and fell in love with this amazing support group, that had me walking, then running, eating in a way I could manage my diabetes without meds and I was doing great. I went down to 190 pounds and worked out every day, either aerobics or running up to 3 miles. I would have kept going.
But then I lost a child,then my husband left me for another woman and my other child graduated and left home. So here I am alone and sad again, with reason, but I am sad that my dieting success fell out the window,too. I am back up to 225 lbs and cant seem to care enough to exercise. I couldnt control the incidences in my life but I should be able to control me.
I realize I could belong to any number of groups here, +100 lbs, 40's, diabetics, depression,etc. But I just read the sticky on what is compulsive eating. and boy is that me!
I eat when I am sad or anxious....its that simple. If I am happy and feeling good, I ace it, I walk, workout, eating is perfection.....diabetes in control, I lose weight, if my sadness or anxiety hits, I feel a need to eat. I will go buy a large pizza, sodas and quart of ice cream "to feel good"..... and I do...in that moment. Lately I am sad all the time and losing control of my eating compounds that.
Sadness in life hits everyone at one point or another, luck comes and goes. I need to learn how to keep it separate from my eating. My friends and family dont understand, they think weighing 225 isnt so bad and maybe not. But I remember how I felt running. I remember how I felt eating right.The support group I had back then has whittled down to nothing, People move, change, etc. So I am here, hoping to find some answers and hoping to find a way back to who I was.
Thank you,
Mae
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