20-Somethings - I had a breakdown last night....
06-06-2009, 09:15 PM
Yesterday I didn't eat that much. I had a sandwich for lunch before work, some chips on my break, and had a small portion of pasta for dinner and a bit of candy at a movie later that night. So I was still within my calorie range for the day and decided to have some beans for a snack... and my boyfriend was like "What are you doing? Why the **** are you eating right now?" And then he started chiding me, saying how I weigh more than him and I should be eating a fraction of what he eats and that because I'm eating these beans right now, that I'm going to binge for the next two weeks. I just sat there, getting madder by the second, until I just yelled at him to shut the **** up and to stop being an *******. a fight ensued, and I smashed my plate on the coffee table, and threw a glass at the wall (that didn't break) and went into the bedroom for the rest of the night.
Needless to say, he slept on the couch last night. I was just so angry with him for being so downright mean, and also because he didn't understand how what he said was mean.
I feel better today, but I'm still mad. I guess what I'm mad about is him not being consistent. Like getting mad at me for having a snack at night, but wanting to get candy before we see a movie.
Has anyone else broke down like this? The first time I got seriously upset in the recent past was when i got my new driver's license picture and it just really shows how much I've gained in the past nine years. I just get so frustrated sometimes and I've only recently let out that frustration.
He's a good guy but just doesn't seem to understand how frustrating and emotional this can be. He's trying to lose weight too but he's more flippant about it.
06-06-2009, 09:53 PM
aw, I'm so sorry. I know how that is. I have the sweetest boyfriend in the world but he doesn't realize sometimes that weight is a WHOLE 'nother realm.. and we really don't need input from their peanut gallery! Like last week, he was chiding me about just walking on the treadmill (I do it on an incline). I told him when we joined the gym together that he could NOT critique my choice of exercise, and there he was doing it, because he doesn't realize that I'm good 80 pounds more than him and I CAN'T run for 30 mins at 6mph!! You weren't doing anything wrong, you were eating BEANS!! Not HoHos or ice cream or french fries!! Sounds like he just wants you to succeed and doesn't quite understand that a snack is not going to derail you. I think it's okay you reacted like that - boyfriends need to be reminded that weight is a personal struggle, and while we appreciate their support, sometimes their version of "support" isn't the type we need! Hang in there!! *hug*
(Gah, this reminds me of the first time I really was able to lose weight - I had gained about 50 pounds and my boyfriend told me I needed to lose weight because he was starting to feel unattracted to me. He didn't do it in a mean way and he felt AWFUL, but it broke my heart.. and sure enough, it gave me motivation I needed!)
winning the war
06-06-2009, 09:54 PM
Personally, I think you have every right to be pissed and hurt. I would be. You say he's a good guy, so he must be, but he needs to understand how his words can hurt you. Don't feel bad about being upset, know you have the right, but then find a way to let it go and move on. Don't let it thwart your efforts. Good luck!!
06-06-2009, 09:56 PM
PS I just re-read it and realized he said some really hurtful things. If you guys haven't discussed this argument already, you need to tell him comments about you bingeing and how you weigh more than him are unnecessary, and above all, hurtful. He might think he's being encouraging, but an unhappy environment where you keep remembering those words is going to make you MUCH more likely to binge and have trouble. He deserved sleeping on the couch for that one!!
06-06-2009, 09:59 PM
Wow!! I'd have probably kicked your boyfriend's *** for saying that to me! Actually, I probably would have wanted to but wound up crying my *** off instead. You know the limitations you've set for yourself, and you're capable of staying within them which is commendable.
06-06-2009, 10:59 PM
i don't let anyone treat me that way.
under any circumstances.
how much are you worth today?
more than that, even on your worst day.
he wouldn't get a second chance to do that to me. if you give him another chance, well that's your choice.
i wish you could or would draw a line across which he will be a fool to cross, because if he crossed it again he'd be walking the rest of his life without you by his side.
that is seriously abusive and demeaning language.
you're worth so much more than that.
i hope you see it.
06-06-2009, 11:07 PM
I think isolde said it best. He has no right to talk to you that way, If you want to sit down with a half gallon of ice cream and a spoon, that is nobody's business but yours and he should keep his mouth shut.
06-06-2009, 11:24 PM
It sounded like you were more worried about your temper than your boyfriend, so I am just going to say that when you are losing weight your body is, by definition, running at a deficit. If you are doing it right it is not too much of one but it is still just a constant stress. You were about to eat so probably your blood sugar was low.
When you are feeling sated and calm, you should really address the situation, though, however you think is best.
06-07-2009, 02:24 AM
I'm not going to dump him for it. We've been together for almost six years and live together. And I don't think it was abusive, he really wants me to lose weight and get in shape, he just didn't say it in the best way. Some guys just don't understand about the whole sensitivity and emotional thing (my dad doesn't either).
He did apologize this morning, which was good, and later I told him that he has to say it in a less abrasive way next time if he thinks I might start bingeing again. I told him that if he's concerned I'm eating too much, then ask if he can have some and split it. The weird thing is, he's really supportive when I'm on track (and I am to him too) but when I slip up he gets upset.
Oh, and the thing is, I weigh like 5 more lbs than him! He's like 202. I'm just a few inches shorter than him.
@Caro: I have never lost my temper like that before, so I really do agree that I was more worried about my temper since I did say that I wanted to throw the plate of food at him but just slammed it on the table. I almost left and got food and alcohol, but I just grabbed my laptop and went in the bedroom.
I've just never felt that angry before. And I think part of the reason why I was so angry is because I know that he's right, that I really really do need to be dedicated to losing weight. I feel a lot better now than I did when i wrote this post.
I also think I'm hormonal since I just started taking BC again and it's almost TOM. If I keep having mood swings I'm stopping the hormonal BC.
06-07-2009, 11:18 AM
hormonal birth control should be grounds for absolution.
makes people bat **** crazy.
all the best.
06-07-2009, 01:29 PM
It must be harder to lose weight and fight binging habits when someone is expecting you to do it. The bottom line is it's a personal journey, there's a limit to his ability to help you there. I'd just tell him to accept you as you are now and to relinquish the role as food/exercise police. You will lose the weight, but on your own terms.
06-07-2009, 05:22 PM
aneleh, I keep telling him that, and I think after yesterday he finally got it.
06-07-2009, 06:14 PM
While I agree that the decision to begin the journey is a personal one, the communities around us are most certainly affected by it. Especially our partners and families, since we spend so much time with them and they are invested in our well-being. I'm glad that you were able to communicate with him HOW to be more supportive of you. Men appreciate concrete examples of how to react, what to say, what to do, etc. And although you did get angrier than usual, what matters is how you handled it afterwards. Keep staying positive!
06-07-2009, 11:32 PM
My parents would also always say remarks about my eating similar to that but I don't live with them anymore and my eating habits have changed (and I at least make sure to eat differently around them to avoid their comments) but they know how much I need to lose weight due to my thyroid problems. I had thyroid cancer and now i'm hypothyroid so I need to really make sure I do lose weight for my health.