100 lb. Club - listen all y'all its a sabotage..




View Full Version : listen all y'all its a sabotage..


matt_H
06-04-2009, 03:15 PM
So next Friday I'm going away on vacation with my brother and his family. This is the brother that I'm really close to and he is definitely also one of my best friends. He is a great person, but if history repeats itself, I think he will unconsciously try to sabotage my weight loss efforts...

Mike has struggled with his own weight/ boozing issues and I know that he will definitely want to party and go out pretty much every night we are there. He seems so proud and happy of what I've accomplished, but he also seems like he is offended when I tell him I don't really want to drink too much or eat the huge breakfast he will be making [Mike used to be a chef and pretty much every morning he will make huge omelettes with homefries, sausage, toast, etc. etc.].

I don't think he is doing it on purpose. I think he likes to cook and likes to go out and drink and he feels like I'm just not being any fun or perhaps not appreciating the things he is doing. I'd like to figure out a way to tell him that I appreciate it, but I need to not go out drinking and I need to eat healthy. To him, vacation is about partying it up and to me, I just want to go and hang out on the beach and enjoy the weather.

So how to you deal with people in your liife (friends and family members) who might unconsciously be trying to sabotage your weight loss efforts?


slimmingsi
06-04-2009, 03:22 PM
i'm the sort of person who see's one option. there is a negative i.e just accept it. but the only option you have is to make a stand set your position.

yes you may hurt his feelings but you should be more important in your life. and lets face it if he's struggled with his weight and is family he may have the hump for a bit but will come round

StringBean
06-04-2009, 03:33 PM
All my close friends are booze hounds (some may be verging on having issues, but that's a whole other subject) and it's been really hard for me to cut down on the drinking for my diet (and health) when I'm around them. They get upset if they don't think I'm keeping up with them. What I've been doing is having one drink and putting tons of ice in it, or lots of diet mixer in a large glass and basically nurse it all night. As long as I have a glass in my hand that's somewhat full, they leave me alone. Also, I'll get a tall glass of ice water, put a lime in it and pretend it's a g&t. You're hydrated and your friends think you've got a huge drink. Anyway, that's what works for me.


CLCSC145
06-04-2009, 03:41 PM
I hate that feeling of being out of step with a former eating partner. If they are working on their health and you're not, there is a jealousy/resentment factor that is hard to control even if you are very proud of them.

I know you can stick to your plan on your own, but what if you enlist his help for your trip? For example, "Mike, you are a great chef, I could really use your help this week in cooking some healthy meals." Sometimes it's just about wanting to know the person still needs you in their life - that your relationship is built on more than just the food.

scarletmeshell
06-04-2009, 03:43 PM
Hey Matt,
As far as the drinking, I think StringBean had the right idea, I had this problem a few weekends ago, I was stressesd about it. No one really checked to see what was in my glass, so I took the watiress aside, explaned for dietary reasons, I couldn't drink, but would she please bring me a high ball class with water and lime, looks like gin and tonic, no one cared. I also tipped her very well. This was just easier than making explanations at least until I am strong enough to deal with it in another way.
As far as the food, if I am feeling strong, I just take some and move it around my plate. My Mom is still mad at me that I didn't eat potao salad last weekend.:o

rochemist
06-04-2009, 03:49 PM
Divorce them.

Oh but seriously. Um it all starts with this sentence, "You know what respect means? Respect means I have the freedom to be myself, and I give you the freedom to be you. So when it comes to all this eating like Jabba the Hutt on a bender, you do you, and I'll do me". ;)

Slashnl
06-04-2009, 04:01 PM
I think that the water and lime are a great idea for the boozing problem. For the breakfast, OMG... my mouth started watering just thinking about it. That is a major downfall for me, big egg/meat/potato breakfasts. Fortunately for me, I'm the one who cooks, so I don't make it. Anyway, in your case, maybe if you talk to him and tell him that you don't want to hurt his feelings (or is that too girly?), but you also can't eat like you used to and you'd like to eat healthier.

Would that work?

beerab
06-04-2009, 04:11 PM
Maybe just eat a bit and be like OMG this is so good and filling, I can't possibly eat another bite? Then stop eating. OR make sure to get some workouts in while you are there to minimize any "damage."

As for drinking out heck just lie and said you went to the doctor and he told you cut down on the alcohol- say your liver enzymes were off last time you went lol. If he knows nothing about biology he might go ooh okay.

Sometimes little white lies are best to avoid bad situations.

KimikoD
06-04-2009, 04:30 PM
I'm new here, but just my one cent........


Why not attempt to circumvent the issue by being the one to plan out events? If you're going to stay in and cook, why not tell him that you'd really like to surprise him by being the one to cook for him for once?

Or maybe...since he was a chef...ask him to show you some great low-fat, low-calorie recipes. Give him a chance to share his knowledge and impress you that way...make him feel good about that!!

Instead of going out drinking, plan some alternative event that can be just as fun for you and his family? (I assume when you say "his family" he has kids? Is there something fun all of you can do together that doesn't include drinking?

thinpossible
06-04-2009, 05:02 PM
I would keep up the image of participating as much as you're comfortable with. Ordering water with lime seems like a good idea. As far as the breakfasts go, I would probably eat what he cooked, but not much of it, and tell him a couple of times how good it is. These shared experiences of eating and drinking are obviously his way of showing you he loves you and wants to have (what in his mind is) a good time. So I would participate as much as I could, while still sticking to your plan.

The other thing is, if he seems offended at some point, I would just say, "You seem offended" and see where he takes it from there. You might end up clearing the air.

JayEll
06-04-2009, 05:24 PM
People have given lots of good strategies. For the food, here are a couple:

1. One plate only. No side plates, no seconds.
2. Limit the serving of things like potatoes, and skip the toast.
3. Eat really slowly--no front-loader feeding!

And, it helps to have some responses ready. More suggestions--always say these with a smile!

"Why aren't you eating more?"
You: Gosh, that's about as much as I can eat right now! It sure is good!

"Have some more of this X!"
You: No thanks--I've had enough for now.

"For cryin' out loud, you're on vacation!"
You: My body doesn't know the difference, so I just eat what I know is best and stop when I want. I'm having a great time!

"Is that ALL you're gonna have??? After I slaved all (morning/evening/day)???"
You: Oh--I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt. I didn't mean to cause a problem, I just don't want to eat more than this. But man, you outdid yourself!

"Come ON have another drink!"
You: No, I'm fine with this. (OR) I think I want plain soda this time--I'm kind of thirsty. (OR) Wow, I think I'm already over my limit.

Another strategy: Make sure you have things you need at his house, and if you don't, make a trip to the store. Things like plain soda, weight-loss-friendly snacks, etc.

And most important, don't let these sorts of pressures make you avoid being with your brother. Be with him and tell jokes and stories and laugh and have a good time.

Jay

Breannaj1215
06-04-2009, 05:43 PM
I would sit down and talk to him about it. Let him know that you dont nor can you do that anymore. Instead of blowing up at him one day because he never got the hint. You know?

TJFitnessDiva
06-04-2009, 06:10 PM
I have that song in my head now :lol: thanks ;)

With people trying to sabotage....I have called out every single family member or friend that has tried doing it to me. I reached a certain point and just had enough. Some had no clue they were doing it and some fessed up that they were a bit jealous of my determination. It really did open up communication with them and the ones closest to me got a lot closer :)

Lachelle
06-04-2009, 06:59 PM
For the drinking: say your doctor put you on antibiotics (don't even give them a fake reason, just stop it there.) You can't drink when you're on antibiotics. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic, and when he was first starting out in sobriety, he used that excuse at weddings. Nobody questioned it.

JulieJ08
06-04-2009, 07:03 PM
For the drinking: say your doctor put you on antibiotics (don't even give them a fake reason, just stop it there.)

I'm not arguing, I just don't get it - that's not a fake reason?

But I'm glad that excuse works for some. I think I'd then be fielding additional rude questions about why I was on antibiotics!

kiramira
06-04-2009, 07:35 PM
Who cares if it is a fake reason! Sometimes we all have to do stuff just to get by at first.

Sometimes if I go to my dear SIL-God Love Her's place, and she has double marguiretas and nachos and salsa and sour cream on the go which is, like, ALWAYS, I'll take a diet soda with me and say that I have to stick to my ginger ale because I have an upset stomach. If I tell her I just don't WANT the stuff, it causes a scene. If I tell her I have a stomach bug, I get no grief. And sometimes, I don't want grief and I don't want drama!!!

Whatever works for ya, is all I can say...

Kira

JulieJ08
06-04-2009, 07:41 PM
I don't care if it's a fake reason. I just confused by it and asked what she meant.

slimmingsi
06-04-2009, 07:49 PM
i'm sorry but why bother with the lies? why bother saying your on anti biotics when your not be straight be blunt and be honest or is honesty something that is lost in the modern world.

my nan always said you can never go wrong telling the truth and its true. yes ok you may hurt someones feelings but hey you can't please everyone losing weight is hard enough when you are working on it 100% to switch your efforts to thinking of others makes failure more likely.

You are the most important person to YOU

kiramira
06-04-2009, 07:56 PM
But do you really think everyone is honest, ALL of the time??? Sometimes, even if you are honest, you have to deal with alot of drama and grief. I find creative ways around these situations, sometimes because I just don't want to deal with it...These situations, too, aren't life and death.
Think of it this way -- as a guy, if your girl asks me "does this make my butt look big" you PROBABLY won't tell the truth, directly and bluntly, all of the time...and if you DO, you probably spend alot of time on your own!!!

Same same, IMHO

Kira

slimmingsi
06-04-2009, 08:04 PM
yes i do tell her the truth. why wouldn't i. and i like to spend time on my own, i find with my job i see the worst of civilisation and my estimation of humanity has been dropped many pegs over the years.

you either love me or hate me frankly i dont' care but you'll always know where you stand

kiramira
06-04-2009, 08:07 PM
Mehh, what ever works for you is FAB. I just need to follow my own path on this one. And so will Matt H, I suspect!

:)

:hug:

Kira

cheercoach0101
06-04-2009, 08:29 PM
i understand completely. My sister has always been a size negative zero and has put on a bit of weight since being in a relationship with her new boyfriend - only enough to make her at most, a size 2!-

She knows i was unhappy with my shape and she always used to sing 'big girl you are beautiful' to me all the time! but i could tell she had reservations about me losing weight. And she kept telling people and making it the center of every conversation and turning it into a bit of a joke.

Since then, she has been to my house 3 times and each time she has brought over unhealthy food despite me having the healthy alternatives in my fridge. The last time she was here she made home made burgers but bought beef instead of the turkey i had, she stuffed then with cheese and then DEEP fried them. Then she made custard and cake for dessert, made me a trifle and left it in my fridge lol and left lots of chocolate and other snacks.lol

I will def. have to pull her aside and talk to her soon because i hate wasting food, even if its just throwing away junk food and I would love her to just respect my diet and respect what i need to do for me.

slimmingsi
06-04-2009, 08:34 PM
bag it drive to her place and give it back.

Delphi
06-04-2009, 08:44 PM
There are some great suggestions here, but at the end of the day communication, in ANY relationship is key. I've always been a "tell it how it is" kinda gal, so that's my policy. If I have a problem with something or someone, I will try my best to address it with tact and as much compassion as I can muster up. I don't know, if it were me, I would simply say, No thanks and try to have a good time. Regardless, of what your decision or how you handle it, I do wish you the best with your trip and I honestly hope that you can enjoy it to the fullest, because that is truly where your focus should be. :)

thistoo
06-04-2009, 11:24 PM
Funnily enough, my sister is my workout partner (and a certified personal trainer), but she does this to me too. She insists that 'a little wine won't hurt' when I say I don't want to drink while I'm at her house. She says 'don't you even want to try it?' when I say I don't want ice cream because I'm avoiding sugar. I think, like my father, feeding people is her way of showing love.

She doesn't even realize what she's doing, so I have to remind her that I'm trying to *lose* weight. Sometimes she takes it well. Other times, not so much. That's her issue, though. I know 'just trying' ice cream will mean a major sugar craving, so I have to draw the line.

JayEll
06-05-2009, 07:42 AM
You know, the only thing anyone ever has to say about it is "No thanks."

That should be enough! And for most occasions, it is! But with family it's trickier because family wants to get into it and make it personal. Still, no reason to lie.

I don't drink alcohol and I haven't for over 20 years. Fortunately my family understands this, but if it comes up in other company, "No thanks" is all I have to say! My reasons are not important! I don't have to justify my choices! It's no one else's business! I don't have to tell them my history!

If someone keeps insisting, I turn it on them--as in, "Why is it so important to you that I have a drink when I told you I don't want one?" That usually ends any discussion.

But back to the original poster's dilemma--that's why I suggested strategies that say No to overeating while at the same time being appreciative.

Jay

synger
06-05-2009, 09:26 AM
I agree with JayEll. "No thank you" with a smile should be enough of an answer. My mother in law is finally getting the point (after almost 18 years...). You don't need to explain or justify, and most of the time if you do it ends up being more of a discussion than you expected or wanted.

YogaGal08
06-05-2009, 11:34 AM
I tend to be a pretty blunt and honest person myself (though I try not to offend or hurt people with my blunt honesty because that is just bad form and dis respectful) but as far as weight loss goes, my biggest thing is just not making a big deal out of it...'no thanks' is fine with me. The only person that I really ever get into it with is my BF and honestly, I've just decided to not get into it with him and not really listen to him because it isn't helping to move me forward in the direction I want to go.

I come from a world of events, parties, food on trays and heavy drinking and for the majority of my life have been a party girl. In a lot of places and circles it's expected and people sometimes act confused or concerned if I don't have a drink in my hand. I still just try to not make a big deal out of it... "Meh, I'm just behaving", "I have to get up early tomorrow" and "I'm driving" are my responses... seltzer with a splash of cranberry and a lime is my preferred drink of choice out that nobody seems to notice isn't alcohol and I honestly volunteer to drive all the time. Regardless of how much I hate driving... no one argues with you about what you are or aren't drinking when you are their ride home.

As for vacationing I'm trying to look at vacation activities that will cater to everyone...the foodies, the beer drinkers and the active folks...for example I'm looking at planning a trip to Maine that involves camping, hiking, river rafting, food tasting, beer tasting and brewery tours. With everything going on no one will notice what I choose to eat or drink. I also agree with maybe asking your brother...who is a chef... for advice and help with new ideas on some healthy meals. An active involvement, being able to show you things and get creative might help.
Good luck!

Lachelle
06-05-2009, 04:41 PM
I agree with the folks that are saying "No thanks" should be enough. However, for some people it's not. Saying no thanks to an indulgent 16oz. steak dinner and a tall beer seems foreign to some people, especially when they're on vacation. If Matt's brother is one of those people that would sit and argue about it, my personal response would be to lie. I would rather do that, tell a quick lie about something insignificant, than tell the truth and be hassled about it all night. (I have no idea how big of a deal it would be to Matt's brother. I know that to some members of my family, it would be a very big deal. "Come on! Order something better than that! You're on vacation, this isn't an everyday thing!" and it would go ON and ON.)

I'm not arguing, I just don't get it - that's not a fake reason?

But I'm glad that excuse works for some. I think I'd then be fielding additional rude questions about why I was on antibiotics!

By fake reason, I meant don't explain why he's on antibiotics. If they ask why, deflect the question. But yeah, I think you're right about that. If someone is going to pester someone who chooses to abstain from alcohol as to why, they're probably going to pester them about why they're on antibiotics.

rochemist
06-05-2009, 04:48 PM
I agree with the folks that are saying "No thanks" should be enough. However, for some people it's not. Saying no thanks to an indulgent 16oz. steak dinner and a tall beer seems foreign to some people, especially when they're on vacation.


You know and those people need to be told flat out, "Hey you are pushing my boundary and disrespecting me". Alot of people think its okay to be all up in your business about everything and sometimes when your fat and you run the edge of self esteem you think that's okay because they still like you, or thier your family, or whatever. BUT EFF THAT, respect me enough to let me live my life, me living mine is no reflection on yours.:dizzy:

Lost68lbs
06-05-2009, 05:11 PM
My dad always told me if I place my self in a place that I feel like I will fail, I probably will. Just a mind thing I guess.