General chatter - Loveless Marriages




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JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 02:21 PM
I'm curious, if you were in a loveless marriage....would you stay, or would you move on also allowing your spouse to move on to find the love & the happiness you both deserve?
And just to clarify "loveless".....I'm talking about not doing things or going places together as a couple, conversation that only consists of "generalities", never hearing "I Love You", no hugs or kisses, separate bedrooms....I think you get the point.


Operator265
06-04-2009, 02:35 PM
I moved on.

Savora
06-04-2009, 02:37 PM
well i was with mine for 10 years and just left 2 1/2 weeks ago, my main reason for leaving was just that, no more hugs, kisses, i love you's.... he became a mean and angry person over the last three years, now he says i love you since i left..... but i have no plans on going back!!! and i haven't cried once...


nelie
06-04-2009, 02:37 PM
I think its hard to handle what if situations but I think if it ever happened to me but we still did things together/were friends, I'd stay as long as we were both happy with that. My husband is my best friend and as long as that part of the relationship stayed, I'd be happy.

mygritsconfessions
06-04-2009, 02:45 PM
I would move on. Life is short to be unhappy, or without love, supportive and friendship. You can't get those days back, so why waste them being depressed and unloved. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, who is my bestfriend. However, prior to us being together I was in a 'crappy' marriage. I gave it an second chance, nothing changed and I left never going back. That was 20 years ago.

JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 02:46 PM
Oops, I should have clarified, you & spouse are not best friends....you barely speak & when you do, its just about general things....you do not spend time together. Basically, you are coridal to each other when you have to be & you tolerate each other. And when out in public or in front of the family, you "go through the motions" that everything is ok.

willgethealthy
06-04-2009, 02:53 PM
Unless there is a financial reason, special needs kid that needs both the parents etc.. I'd say move on... What are you going to gain by just staying the same house as strangers. I would be much more happier having a caring roommate than an indifferent husband..

Alana in Canada
06-04-2009, 03:03 PM
Everyone is different, of course. But remember that people and thus marriages go through different stages.

I am a very difficult person to live with. No, I'm not being down on myself. I have issues. So does my husband. We went through a long "loveless" period where neither one of us wanted to change anything--either about ourselves or our situation.

Neither of us could change the other--but somehow, independently, we both decided to "try" and make things work again.

I would love for us to go for professional counselling, but there's no way my husband would agree to letting strangers know anything about us--heck he won't even communicate his thoughts and feelings to me. (Which is part of the problem.)

We've been married 12 years, we have two kids--and we are both very serious people --especially when it comes to keeping our word. And we promised to stay together through thick and thin.

But I tell you, I was this close to a trial separation this spring.

kaplods
06-04-2009, 03:05 PM
For me, it would depend on a lot of things. I know "staying for the sake of the children," isn't particularly popular anymore, but I would stay in a loveless marriage if I had kids so long as it wasn't a likeless or respectless marriage.

I also would make sure that the love and like couldn't be rekindled. I told my husband that I expected to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage. We've been married over six years and there have been months long stretches when I could barely stand him, but (at least so far) it's always been rekindleable. We've never had to go to couples' counseling to rekindle, but we would before deciding it wasn't possible - that was an agreement we made before getting married.

I was taught though that love was an action, not just a feeling. Feelings can come and go, but the real power of love is in behaving lovingly even when the feelings aren't there. I've been very fortunate though, in that the actions have always eventually reinspired the feelings.

Hubby and I have also had a difficult relationships at times. We've called it "the crash course in marrage," because in only six years we've faced a cancer scare, unemployment, bankruptcy, job loss, an out-of-state move, chronic illness, severe injury, and disability (both of us). There have been times we've probably each wished the other "gone," but we also have a commitment to each other that transends our ability to dislike one another.

mayness
06-04-2009, 03:15 PM
Oops, I should have clarified, you & spouse are not best friends....you barely speak & when you do, its just about general things....you do not spend time together. Basically, you are coridal to each other when you have to be & you tolerate each other. And when out in public or in front of the family, you "go through the motions" that everything is ok.

I'm quite new to this marriage thing :) but I don't think there could be enough reasons (financial, stability, children etc) to keep me in a marriage like that. I'm assuming we're talking traditional marriage where there's an understanding that it's NOT ok to seek marriage-like intimacy/love/partnership outside of the marriage. If I thought the marriage was worthwhile for some reason and I was allowed to find love elsewhere, it may be worth maintaining... although I'd be limiting my options for love to people who are ok with their partner being married to someone else, so that might make things difficult.

I think, to summarize, if my marriage excluded the possibility of love from my life, I would NOT stay. But if I could have a loveless marriage and love on the side, it would depend upon the situation.

nelie
06-04-2009, 03:15 PM
I was taught though that love was an action, not just a feeling. Feelings can come and go, but the real power of love is in behaving lovingly even when the feelings aren't there. I've been very fortunate though, in that the actions have always eventually reinspired the feelings.


I feel this way too. Sometimes my husband makes me mad (and I'm sure I make him mad) but we made a choice to commit ourselves to one another and I will do my best to make it work, no matter what. I've already told my husband he isn't getting out of of the marriage, no matter what. For me, this marriage is forever and there would have to be a lot of things to happen in order for us to end it.

If there was a point where we didn't speak to eachother and were basically strangers, I would seek counseling and approach my husband to see how he feels about the relationship. It would be a shame to let it go that far but there was a point where two people loved eachother enough to get married, its worth at least trying to see if there is something to salvage. As long as the relationship isn't abusive.

I'm not even thinking about having kids in the mix although that is definitely another part of the equation and a reason to work even harder to try to see if something is there to be salvaged.

nelie
06-04-2009, 03:18 PM
I think, to summarize, if my marriage excluded the possibility of love from my life, I would NOT stay. But if I could have a loveless marriage and love on the side, it would depend upon the situation.

I don't know, for me this would signal a marriage was over if either party was seeking love on the side. If both parties agreed to it though, I suppose it is one way to stay married but I personally couldn't take part in it. I truly believe that you shouldn't start another relationship before you end your current one although I know there are many ideas of marriage and there are "open" marriages and what not.

JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 03:22 PM
It would be a shame to let it go that far but there was a point where two people loved eachother enough to get married


What if love was never involved from day 1? Perhaps you were young and married for the wrong reasons like insecurity or just wanting someone to take care of you for the rest of your life. Nothing to do with love.

willow650
06-04-2009, 03:25 PM
I'm curious, if you were in a loveless marriage....would you stay, or would you move on also allowing your spouse to move on to find the love & the happiness you both deserve?
And just to clarify "loveless".....I'm talking about not doing things or going places together as a couple, conversation that only consists of "generalities", never hearing "I Love You", no hugs or kisses, separate bedrooms....I think you get the point.

love is an action and choice, not a feeling. All the things you list, can be fixed, you just have to make a the choice to want to. To start going places together, start hugging, start kissing, start saying I love you. Ever seen or read The Love Dare?

JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 03:33 PM
love is an action and choice, not a feeling. All the things you list, can be fixed, you just have to make a the choice to want to. To start going places together, start hugging, start kissing, start saying I love you. Ever seen or read The Love Dare?

I totally agree, love is an action & a choice. When 2 people get to the point they barely speak and don't show each other any affection for years....that is their choice and the action they've chosen to take.

nelie
06-04-2009, 03:35 PM
What if love was never involved from day 1? Perhaps you were young and married for the wrong reasons like insecurity or just wanting someone to take care of you for the rest of your life. Nothing to do with love.

I'm unsure because it isn't a situation I've been in. I would say at that point it would depend on the interest of either party keeping the marriage together or determining if there is an actual reason to stay married.

kaplods
06-04-2009, 03:36 PM
I've been aquainted with several couples in arranged marriages - no "love" at the start. In fact, one woman married her husband after only a few minutes after meeting him. My sisters' best friend's parents (from India) are an extremely loving couple - ironically the groom's mother was primarily responsible for "choosing her" as a wife for her son, and now dislikes the woman as much as many traditional American mother-in-laws (probably for the same reason, her son loves and likes the wife more than mommy).

I think in many ways, the dating/courting, hormonal "love" is highly over-rated. It's the building a life together that "sticks" a couple together. I have no idea whether you and your husband can build a satisfying life and marriage together. As things are going, probably not. Could you and he change that? I think the answer is probably yes - if you both want to and work at it. But the bigger question is whether you do want to and are willing to. If the answer is no, on either of your parts, then the chances for success are much slimmer.

kaplods
06-04-2009, 03:37 PM
I totally agree, love is an action & a choice. When 2 people get to the point they barely speak and don't show each other any affection for years....that is their choice and the action they've chosen to take.

I think you've answered your own question.

JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 03:43 PM
I have no idea whether you and your husband can build a satisfying life and marriage together. As things are going, probably not. Could you and he change that? I think the answer is probably yes - if you both want to and work at it. But the bigger question is whether you do want to and are willing to. If the answer is no, on either of your parts, then the chances for success are much slimmer.

Ummmm...I think you've gotten the wrong idea here....DBF & I are very happy:D

beerab
06-04-2009, 03:50 PM
If the marriage is loveless and both partners don't want to work on it- then I would move on.

I've known people to stay until they go from just neutral to outright hate of each other. I've known men and women to stay married but just have affairs- and in all those cases that they have stayed for the kids- well kids aren't stupid- they know when mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore... No matter how well you hide it from the kids they know. Take for example my friend and his wife- his wife was cheating on him- gave him a sexually transmitted disease and he STILL tried to make it work- they NEVER fought in front of the children and then one day his daughter who was 8 at the time said "mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore do they?" And let me say my jaw just dropped cuz they were so careful. Eventually they divorced and it's been better for both of them IMO.

In any case I'd always move on- I'd rather my children see that I'm a happy mother and that you don't have to stay in a loveless marriage- I'd hate if in the future my children were in loveless marriages- I'd want them to find happiness.

JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 03:59 PM
If the marriage is loveless and both partners don't want to work on it- then I would move on.

I've known people to stay until they go from just neutral to outright hate of each other. I've known men and women to stay married but just have affairs- and in all those cases that they have stayed for the kids- well kids aren't stupid- they know when mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore... No matter how well you hide it from the kids they know. Take for example my friend and his wife- his wife was cheating on him- gave him a sexually transmitted disease and he STILL tried to make it work- they NEVER fought in front of the children and then one day his daughter who was 8 at the time said "mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore do they?" And let me say my jaw just dropped cuz they were so careful. Eventually they divorced and it's been better for both of them IMO.

In any case I'd always move on- I'd rather my children see that I'm a happy mother and that you don't have to stay in a loveless marriage- I'd hate if in the future my children were in loveless marriages- I'd want them to find happiness.

:bravo: Very well said!
No matter how "careful" parents try to be in front of their children, like you said, they aren't stupid. Children are like sponges with eyes & ears and they absorb everything.
Case in point, I have a friend who's 21 year old daughter recently decided she wanted to "take a break" from a guy she'd been dating because she wanted to make sure he was "the one" for her. She did not want to end up in an unhappy "marriage" like her parents did for years.

beerab
06-04-2009, 04:05 PM
Thank you thank you- btw my parents were definitely in a loveless (more like HATEfilled) marriage and I definitely was weary about getting married but I've been married 4 years this June and we are still happy (know each other 12 years).

I would say if she's taking a break then he isn't the one...

L R K
06-04-2009, 04:07 PM
I would try to work things out before I moved on - like seeing a marriage counsellor etc becuase there had to be a reason we were together in the first place. Then if I was still in the same situation I would move on.

mayness
06-04-2009, 04:11 PM
beerab, that's a good point... staying together for reasons other than love/friendship, even if it's carefully arranged and agreed upon by both people, might mess up the children's perceptions of what a healthy relationship is like, or cause them distress that they shouldn't have to experience. That's one thing that I didn't think about because I don't see kids in my future.

TamiL
06-04-2009, 04:14 PM
I would leave asap! I was married to my first husband for almost 13 years. It was awful but I stayed thinking it was best for my girls. Finally I reached a point in my life that I just couldn't be unhappy anymore and I walked out the door never looking behind. I met a wonderful man about that time and we've been married going on 12 years now. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy!

kaplods
06-04-2009, 04:16 PM
Ummmm...I think you've gotten the wrong idea here....DBF & I are very happy:D

Yep, looks like it. I think all of the clarification to more and more specific details, definitely led me to believe we were talking about a specific marriage, if not your own, then one you are quite close to.

I think it's harder and harder though to answer a generic "what would you do," the more specific you make the question, because it gets further and further from a situation that people would "generically" have an opinion on (well, at least an opinion based on their own experiences and values, which is after all the only basis we have for opinions). For example, I can't answer the question "if there was no love from the start," because I wouldn't enter that kind of marriage. Though I have seen marriages that started that way, become good (such as the arranged marriages - but their expectations for marriage were different, it's expected that the two will work together to build a family, and "love" is a result of working successfully on the marriage, not a reason to get into a marriage).

I've also seen marriages that were bad, even for years, become good. What did those people do to make it that way? They generally decided they both wanted something better, and decided it was worth working on together.

I think there are so many "it depends" that there is no "useful" answer, just interesting "what ifs," with the caveat that many of our answers are at best "guesses" at what we would do, because the situation isn't one we may have been in. I say I would stay for the kids, if there was still like and respect, but who knows what I would feel and do IN the situation, especially since I can only imagine the situation, because it's so far from my own.

JerseyGyrl
06-04-2009, 06:15 PM
than one you are quite close to.

.

You hit the nail on the head. Its someone I am quite close to for sure. Thought this is what he wanted but...didn't turn out that way. I guess he thought things would magically change once a wedding ring was on her finger:( He didn't love her before he married her...and...it hasn't changed since. I'm not sure he even likes her. Very sad situation indeed:(

Hello Nurse
06-04-2009, 08:28 PM
Counseling! A year ago I would have said I was in a loveless marriage. We had no intimacy, fought constantly, basically did not want to be in the same room with each other. I asked for a divorce so many times I can't count, but I do not make enough to support myself and my 4 horses alone, so I felt trapped. One day I gave him the ultimatum - counseling or we are done.

It was not easy, but today I can say I am happily married. We have done a complete 180 in our marriage. I honestly did not believe this marriage could be saved without me settling for less than I deserve, but that was not the case. We still have our arguments and issues like everyone, but we are happy.

Surely there was some love at some time in order for a couple to have married in the first place. I would never recommend leaving a marriage without exhausting the possibility of saving it through counseling. However, if that has been done and both parties are unhappy, then maybe it is time to move on.

kiramira
06-04-2009, 08:48 PM
If you marry for the wrong reasons, or with the hope that things will get better, the marriage isn't on a stable foundation. And after marriage, things generally get WORSE rather than better -- remember all those endearing habits your spouse had when you were dating, that just bug the HECK out of you now that you're married??? And such a marriage may actually be considered for annullment by one's religious group (if so inclined) as the INTENT of the marriage may not actually be there -- I mean, if he never loved her the intent certainly isn't there. His situation seems different from those where people really love each other, give it a shot, and for whatever reason, both change and become so different that they are no longer suited for each other and wind up apart. This latter situation is one where patience and committment to one's choice may weather those periods where apartness seems more frequent than intimacy. But it sounds like the foundation of the marriage wasn't there in the first place, and it is hard to continue a choice that was made for reasons not related to the fundamental core of a marriage.

What to do? This all depends on what your friend wants. IF he and his spouse really want to make a go of it, they'll need counselling to sort this out. IF he wants to stay because he doesn't want a divorce but isn't open to counselling, he'll probably be unhappy in his loveless marriage for the foreseeable future. IF he wants to find true happiness, he needs to be honest about what he needs and move on. None of these options are ideal.

And, honestly, in my experience, some people just make decisions that create maximum disharmony because for some reason, this is what makes them who they are. The situation can be changed. It all depends on if he WANTS it to, or if he is getting something out of this situation. Because if he was TRULY unhappy, he'd move on. And if he chooses to stay, the sympathy train probably shouldn't be stopping to pick him up for much longer...

JMHO

Kira

Betony
06-05-2009, 12:58 AM
In that situation, I left, but my ex would have stayed. He was content, if not happy. I was neither, but leaving left emotional scars (on both of us) because I chose to leave instead of staying to try to work on the love. I can't really say I'm happier being single that I was being in a loveless marriage, but I live with the cold comfort that I left before I became tempted to find love outside of the marriage.

JerseyGyrl
06-05-2009, 01:00 AM
If you marry for the wrong reasons, or with the hope that things will get better, the marriage isn't on a stable foundation. And after marriage, things generally get WORSE rather than better

IMHO, love, trust & communication are the foundation of a happy marriage. Unfortunately, people don't always marry for those reasons and they don't think about the consequences for themself or for the person they marry. When it begins on the wrong foot, you are 100% correct....things typically get WORSE.
My Mom gave me some very valuable advice "Marriage is like building a house...you need a strong foundation (Love)....without it, the house will eventually crumble."
In this situation, my guess would be if he loved her, he'd probably consent to counseling to possibly strengthen the marriage....but...seriously, I don't see him going that route. He feels he "made his bed & now he has to lie in it"...he's clearly unhappy (as I'm sure she is as well)...and I'm sure as time goes by & the situation remains the same or gets worse...he will seek "happiness" outside the "marriage".
Hopefully wisdom will come with age & he'll do the right thing for himself as well as for her.

JerseyGyrl
06-05-2009, 01:17 AM
I would try to work things out before I moved on - like seeing a marriage counsellor etc becuase there had to be a reason we were together in the first place. Then if I was still in the same situation I would move on.

Well...to be quite frank, the reason he married her was because he was a virgin & had slept with her so...he felt "an obligation" to her. Yes...I know:shrug:(young & extremely naieve)...sad and surely not any reason to get married:(