20-Somethings - *Off Topic* but I need help.




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beautifulmess
06-04-2009, 12:17 AM
Ok, so I've been talking to this guy for the past couple of weeks and I think he's into me by the way he talks but at the same time I'm not sure. So I tried to get him to open up and just say what's on his mind but he seems to be acting oblivious or maybe not even acting but anway who knows. So, I told myself to not talk to him for a while, and see if he calls or texts me...that way I'll know that my absence actually affects him and that he cares enough to notice that I'm not there. I want to see if he'll try to contact me in any way if I stay far away from him for a while.

ANyway, problem is
its hard. I'm so used to talking to him.
What do I do to kill the time? I feel like some desperate loser who can't control herself but I feel like I may be falling for him. I just need to know what his thoughts are, how he feels. Maybe he's shy or thinks I'll take it the wrong way (if he is into me) we've talked until sunrise and he just makes me happy and we laugh and everything amazing but he won't say whether he feels anything but friendship towards me. It's CONFUSING, I guess you'd have to be there to understand. I dunno. I just don't know how to keep away.

I see his name online right now, but I'm on invisible and it's just hard! I feel like getting off invisible, going online and talking but I told myself I'm gonna do it. Keep myself from talking to him even though I've been doing it every day and now am so used to him. I just want to see what he does. See if he notices.

what to do to keep myself busy and away? how do I stop thinking about him?


Mikayla
06-04-2009, 12:23 AM
Tell him you like him, you are going to torture yourself by waiting and seeing what his next move is going to be. Asking him out is the simplest fastest was to tell if he's interested.

beautifulmess
06-04-2009, 12:29 AM
I can't do that given the fact that I'm the shyest person on the face of this planet:o and besides, I want him to man up and tell me what's on his mind. I'll wait for whatever he has to say as long as it's true.



but in the meantime.........I'M GOING NUTS. :tantrum:


net knee
06-04-2009, 12:54 AM
try to drop a hint... say something like "so i know this guy-- and he's great... I know how i feel about him but I can't tell what he feels for me..." maybe that will be a big enough push to get him talking... if not just blurt something out like wow you're amazing- i want to find a man just like you! blahblah-- along those lines... i would be carefull about just cutting off contact he might think you're mad or whatever- drop him an email and tell him that he needs to tell you what he thinks of you and until then you'll be waiting for him to call/email/text whatever it may be... you're not mad just want to make sure you're investing your time wisely! good luck! (btw my man did this when we first started talking and finally i said-- i'm falling for you-- if you're not falling for me then we should end this now! and he told me he can see us loving each other for the rest of our lives-- we're engaged now! getting married next year!-- so being blunt might work!)

sws19
06-04-2009, 12:54 AM
oh girl! let me know when you find the answer because i am in almost the EXACT same boat right now (only difference is that we've been on a few dates and he knows i'm interested), for the bajillionth time in my life. fighting myself seems to be a losing exercise in minor neurosis.
i also have been alternating between invisible and not invisible all day hoping that he'll miss me. i am a total fail when it comes to playing hard to get.

notasthinasithought
06-04-2009, 01:01 AM
I am a firm believer that if a guy likes you he will call you, or e-mail you, or text you, or whatever it is they do. If he's not trying to get in touch with you obviously you're not on his mind.

Sorry to be such a downer. I've just learned this through so many trials and errors! On the upside though, just remember things always work out the way they're supposed to if you let them. If it's not him, it WILL be someone else. The man who will adore you and won't be able to STOP thinking about you will come along.

As hard as it is, try not to obsess over him. And if, down the road, he does realize how awesome you are and what he's been missing HE WILL call you. And if not, you'll find someone even better.

aneleh
06-04-2009, 08:32 AM
Yea I agree with ^^
If you can't stop thinking about him like this then just tell him you like him and what does he think about it. Make it CLEAR that you like him as more than a friend so he is not confused. I have been there in the past!! It IS torture to play the wait-and-see game. I've told a guy like that I liked him and politely got rejected, it sucks, but then the obsession stops!

I don't think it's healthy to become so into a person that you don't know reciprocates the feelings, but I've done it when I was younger (and not as experienced lol).

prepping
06-04-2009, 12:48 PM
I am a firm believer that if a guy likes you he will call you, or e-mail you, or text you, or whatever it is they do. If he's not trying to get in touch with you obviously you're not on his mind.

Sorry to be such a downer. I've just learned this through so many trials and errors! On the upside though, just remember things always work out the way they're supposed to if you let them. If it's not him, it WILL be someone else. The man who will adore you and won't be able to STOP thinking about you will come along.

As hard as it is, try not to obsess over him. And if, down the road, he does realize how awesome you are and what he's been missing HE WILL call you. And if not, you'll find someone even better.

^^ Completely agree!!

glutio
06-04-2009, 01:04 PM
I don't believe in playing the games where you try to make someone call you by ignoring them. Think about the signals you're sending by hiding, he could want to talk to you but not see you around and think you're hiding because you're trying to get away from him. Granted, most guys are just stupid, but some of them are decent human beings that have some of the same issues that we women have.

If you spend most of your time talking to him online, not by email or phone, he might be scared to call or email cause you're not around. He might be watching for your name to show up, he might be nervous and hope that you'll do the dirty work so that he doesn't have to. Not talking to someone because you like them doesn't get you anywhere but stressed out, and if the guy is like you, it makes him stressed out cause he thinks you're not interested! Then he may never man up and tell you if he is interested.

But if you really really really really want to avoid him, find other people to chat with. Do some kind of exercise. If you're stuck at a desk at work like I am, go for a short walk around the building if you can. Find some really interesting articles on something you're interested in online. I learned to knit and crochet when I got bored at work just by watching videos and reading websites. Now, I can pass the time looking for interesting patterns to try, too!

futuresurferchick
06-04-2009, 02:01 PM
I see there are two polar opposite opinions on what you should do here. :lol: Count my vote in with those who say he will call you if he's interested! I think you are taking the right approach already.

It's not a game though--you should REALLY have a life outside him. This is attractive and it's important for yourself. Distract yourself by going out with friends, picking up a hobby or two that you enjoy, working out, etc. The point is not just to appear that you are an independent, interesting woman who is not desperate to be with him--the point is to BE that woman and if he comes around then great. :)

NishKitten
06-04-2009, 03:02 PM
Let me share some info with you by what I have been through (peanut gallery stay quiet on this one, I used to be modest and soft-spoken as a fresh faced young lass *glare*) and what I have observed and know to be true.

Men are dumb. DUMB. D-U-M-B. Dumb beyond anything that you can even fathom. You can play coy all you freakin' want, but he will never get it. Ever. Unless you get really obvious about wanting to take this to the next level -- and by obvious I mean just short of putting on a neon pink jumpsuit and hopping around with a sign that reads, "I THINK YOU'RE AWESOME AND I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND 4EVR AND HAVE ALL UR BABIES KTHX!!!!!!" you are wasting your time sitting around with baited breath for him to 'notice' anything.

Even if you did do that, it would probably take him 20 minutes to realize a) that it was you, and b) who it was meant for. And even then he would probably walk up to you and go, "What is this about?"

Ladies short of deciding what to eat, absentmindedly fondling themselves, and wandering around thinking random thoughts with that silly smile men always seem to have on their face... please trust me when I tell you that there is nothing beyond that going on in their heads that has any relevance to anything. At all.

You will remain miserable waiting on a creature who, by nature, is completely and utterly oblivious to EVERYTHING other than what makes makes his pee pee tingle. He is not going to have any sort of romantic revelation, nothing of the sort. Just one day he's going to realize that he could be seeing you naked. And even better, he could be the *only* guy seeing you naked. It sounds stupid, and yes more emotions are involved besides sex they aren't that shallow, but it is one of the few things that will motivate men to act. It has been this way since the dawn of time.

He has already thought it about it, and probably does every time you talk. The trick is getting him to act on it in the way you want him to. How you will go about doing that is entirely up to you, but waiting for him to do it without your "gentle" guidance in the right direction is setting yourself up for absolute failure.

Jelbb
06-04-2009, 04:02 PM
Watch it. (http://www.megavideo.com/?v=ACEX47TD) Really. Really.

I'm not gonna presume to know how buddy feels one way or the other, but... if he's not asking you out, or if he's not letting you know that he's interested in a relatively obvious way... he probably just isn't into you enough to make things happen.

Your only hope is to [wo]man up, and ask if he's interested... or continue waiting around to see if something happens or not. But believe me honey, this guy probably isn't the end all and be all of the world, if he's silly enough to to have asked you out already. ;)

Find a better guy.

notasthinasithought
06-04-2009, 06:50 PM
I believe in the Rule of Twos. Make two attempts to show your interest (ie invite him to do something or call to say hi) and if he doesnt do anything then move on. That's all the energy he deserves. That's the rule my friends and I live by and it's worked for us.

starfishkitty
06-04-2009, 07:04 PM
I agree with those above that said if he's interested and/or really cares about you and enjoys your time... he WILL call and/or try to find you. Once that happens, go from there. See how he took your absence. If it was friendly bewilderment or "Hey come on, what the heck???" that might indicate some more deeper feelings. Then go from there.

beautifulmess
06-04-2009, 08:23 PM
You all are AMAZING. Thanks so much for the speedy replies :) ok but I'm still confused. There are sides to take. I feel like I'm in a tug of war, here! I don't know of whether to listen to the ladies who are saying do what you're doing, wait for him to notice and look for you! or the ladies who are saying, woman up and tell him what's on your mind!

:( this is hard...I don't know what to do.

edit* I dunno if I should talk to him tonight?? because I read one of the girls here saying what if he thinks I'm mad and igoring him on pupose and it just got me thinking. He has a tendency to think I upset easy like last time when we were chatting online, he was at work and had me wait for like 10-20 mins and when he got back I didn't answer for a while cause I was doing something and he asked if I was mad because he made me wait, since he does that a lot (when he talks from work)

shrinkingchica
06-06-2009, 07:19 PM
Ug. This is a sucky situation. And one I have found myself in. As for me, I just flat out told him and he is a confused guy and says tho he likes me he isn't ready for a relationship right now (with anyone). So we are still friends. Only friends, but close friends. And maybe something will happen and maybe nothing with happen. But that is where it stands.
I think that you just need to do whatever you feel is right. You are right, there are at least two ways to handle this situation and it is a situation in which you have to "be there" to "get it" I'm sure. And that means that you are the best judge of what to do. So you need to do what you feel is best and just brace yourself for the worst. :hug:

net knee
06-06-2009, 11:11 PM
hehe first of all NishKitten I couldnt stop laughing when I was reading your post! lol You're awesome! And so true! Ok here's another idea from me... since you said he worries that he upsets you or he thinks you are upset easily... try leaving a comment or email or text or whatever it may be-- but say something about not having enough time or patience to sit in front of the computer very long but you still manage to check email and can text/talk on the phone if he wants to get a hold of you... remind him he's got your number and email so if he wants to get ahold of you he knows how... this way you're dropping a hint that you're not upset and then again leaving it open for him to contact YOU... then you can wait to see if he does and be up front at the same time... idk... i hope you figure it out soon...and w/as little mental torture as possible!

shrinkingchica
06-09-2009, 04:28 PM
Update????
I hope everything is working out for you! :) :hug:

rosiem
06-09-2009, 10:06 PM
Haha this thread is hilarious. I agree with everyone esp. Nishkitten. Men are dumb as rocks, much dumber than you think is possible about this sort of thing. I learned this the hard way! I am also way too subtle with this stuff and have a lot of trouble trying to show i'm interested but the consensus among my friends seems to be a) if they're interested they'll do something themselves but b) they have to KNOW SOMEHOW you would be receptive to that. One of my friends says "you have to make a safe space". So go out with a bunch of friends if you're all friends, you don't have to ask him out but laugh, smile, touch his arm and ignore everyone else. That other poster said do it twice! That's probably a good idea, then if he's kind of slow (see above) he might have some chance of getting that you are interested. And then wait, and if nothing happens, move on. One of my other friends always advises flirting with the guy's friends but that might just confuse the poor guy. Haha. GOOD LUCK!!!! And if he's too dumb to realize you're a gem then there are other fish in the sea :-)

Tracy
06-09-2009, 10:29 PM
I agree if he was interested,he would get in touch w/you.You are obviously thinking about him ,more than he thinks about you. Sorry,Tracy:(

beautifulmess
06-10-2009, 04:50 PM
UPDATE.

Ok, I don't know if it's any progess but I'm thinking maybe it is lol

Anyway, I didn't mention that this is a long distance relationship. He lives in another country! we've met though, have known each other our whole lives basically (since I was like 3).

Anyway, so I stayed away...for 1 day! yeah, I couldn't do more than that even if I wanted to. We have this thing, where we talk online every night so when I came on a day later this is it what went down

Him: Hey
Me: Hi
Him: What's the date today?
Me: ...June 4
Him: What was the date yesterday?
Me: Well, you know 3 comes before 4...and 2 before 3
Him: Exactlyy...so where were you on the 3rd?
Me: Here, in America where else
Him: No, I mean. You weren't online?
Me: Yeah
Him: Reason?
Me: I just didn't feel like it
Him: Oh, but why?
Me: I just didn't want to..why?
Him: No. I mean, you could've atleast informed me.
Me: inform? why?
Him: Just because....anyway, how are you?
Me: Fine, I guess. Who cares.
Him: me.
Me: Ok
Him: What do you mean? I don't care about you?
Me: Nevermind...anyway, how are you?
Him: Fine, so why didn't you come on yesterday?
Me: I just didn't feel like coming on. why? is it important that I do?
Him: Ohh so that's what it is. Nothing, I'm just asking. So, do you care about me?
Me: I care about everyone.
Him: Everyone, but not me.
Me: you're included in everyone
Him: If I was, then you would've atleast told me...
Me: Told you what?
Him: That you weren't going to come online yesterday
Me: I just didn't come for 1 day, what happened?
Him: Don't ask what happened... :'(
Me: I already did, now please answer?
Him :'(
Me: Words.
Him: That's my answer
Me: I don't get it. What's the reason that you cried?
Him: What do you mean, reason? you didn't come on that's why.
------------------------------------

HAHA. I know. It's subtle. But basically, he was really upset that I didn't come online that one night. Atleast I got something out of him. Even if it's not what I wanted. It takes him forever to say things. I guess he just wants to take it slow. That's fine, with me. I guess. Good things come to those who wait..anyway, right?

NishKitten
06-10-2009, 06:44 PM
*STARE* In your effort to play coy and hard to get you completely missed like 429784097379284287934098203598281818234 x 10 opportunities to get him to admit his feelings for you, and vice versa and get the ball rolling. You could have bagged that RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT.

As if it isn't obvious, he's smitten with you. The long distance is questionable, but if you can make it work go for it. Stop being a little snot and tell him you like him before he gets the wrong idea. :mad: :p

RubyGuggenheim
06-10-2009, 11:27 PM
*STARE* In your effort to play coy and hard to get you completely missed like 429784097379284287934098203598281818234 x 10 opportunities to get him to admit his feelings for you, and vice versa and get the ball rolling. You could have bagged that RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT.

As if it isn't obvious, he's smitten with you. The long distance is questionable, but if you can make it work go for it. Stop being a little snot and tell him you like him before he gets the wrong idea. :mad: :p

+1.

He made it clear he cared you weren't there, he asked if you cared about him, which is when it's time to get honest and say "Yes." But instead you say "I care about everyone" which makes him doubt that you have feelings for him which makes it far less likely he will tell you he likes you, which he pretty clearly does.

Kimmie1989
06-11-2009, 12:24 AM
To be honest, he seemed kind of a jerk about it. Was he joking when he was like "You could have at least informed me" or was he being serious??? Because if he was serious, if you two DID get together would he always react like that if you didn't come online for one day? .............

Thighs Be Gone
06-11-2009, 12:47 AM
Is this someone you know or have you never met him? Sorry if I missed it@!

DRose
06-11-2009, 01:08 AM
I'd say he pretty clearly likes you. Now stop playing games and tell him how you feel, otherwise he'll never tell you! :D:hug:

net knee
06-11-2009, 01:38 AM
you must tell him!!!!!!!!!! do it!!! do it NOW!!! lol I think you both might be playing the same game!! Someone's gotta lose and tell the other how they feel for real! Go for it!! In this case "losing" the game means WINNING in the end!! GO FOR IT!!

beautifulmess
06-11-2009, 12:18 PM
Ruby- I didn't put the whole conversation up. I did tell him that I cared about him.


Kimmie-- I don't think it's that big of a deal. He's just used to talking to me ever night and when you get used to talking to someone every single day and one day they don't show up out of the blue, it makes you concerned you know? And it's not like he's a stranger. I've known him since forever so I didn't take it the wrong way. :)

Thighs_be_gone- Have known him since I was like, 3.

I agree with the people who say we're like playing games with each other. Going around in circles. I think he likes me, likes me but is too afraid to say anything so he just covers up the truth with jokes. He's like that. And I'm not saying anything either, waiting for him. I don't know. In the meantime, we can just talk. But I can't ever flat out tell him, and in the ways that we've talked...I'm sure he can tell I like him too, I mean I'm online with him until sunrise! I'm sure that says something to him.

carlee86
06-13-2009, 12:25 AM
Him: Just because....anyway, how are you?
Me: Fine, I guess. Who cares.
Him: me.
Me: Ok
Him: What do you mean? I don't care about you?
Me: Nevermind...anyway, how are you?

*********************************************
that was the perfect place to spill the beans...and by reading (without knowing the actual context) that could've been a big blow to him..ouch :(

beautifulmess
06-13-2009, 12:46 AM
lol I doubt it,
where I come from...we don't flat out tell someone how we feel (of the opposite sex)
so me being quiet about it is the right way to go.