Weight Loss Support - Just need to vent...




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kiramira
05-28-2009, 07:45 PM
Hi all!
Well, having come back from Perogyville has really thrown me for a loop, and I've been wrestling with my thoughts since then.
I have a deep-seated feeling that I don't BELONG in the town that we are living in right now. I just have the feeling that I should be living back in my home town. Things just feel RIGHT to me when I am there. Out here, I feel like I am just waiting, and passing time until I get back HOME. My parents are aging and there is no one in town there to help them, and I feel guilty about not being there. But most of all, I've always wanted to live in my HOME. TOWN. Even if everyone I knew there has moved on. I just feel so much BETTER there...and I get this way EVERY time I go back for a visit.
I've discussed this with my DH. BUT, my DH absolutely does NOT want to move. He feels at home HERE because he grew up in this area. He has a great circle of guys here. His sister lives a few minutes away. So life for him is great. But for me, with my family 2000 miles away and without a great circle of friends, it just isn't so good. We've talked about it, and the only solution is for me to put my dreams of living back in my home town away. Don't get me wrong -- I have the best DH ever, and a lovely home in a safe community. And our community is in a very desirable area with great weather and history. I should be thrilled with what I have. But this city just isn't my HOME. And I've tried for the last 9 years to make it my home through volunteering and taking classes at the college and becoming involved in the community, but I just don't feel RIGHT here. And this is really really hard...
SO, I've been doing my best NOT to snack just to push these feelings away, but I am slipping.
I know that right now this is mind over matter, and that I have to get a grip on things right away, so I am still accounting for my food and exercising, and am trying to get through this. But this is SO. HARD. And I don't see any resolution to my fundamental problem -- I just want to GO HOME...
Thanks for listening...
Kira


Peep Smith
05-28-2009, 07:59 PM
That's a heavy load that you're carrying and I feel for you. I know what you mean about the place where you grew up. I can only imagine the opposite pull, keeping your DH happy. But whatever you do, eating will change nothing. You may feel some relief in the short run, but soon the familiar feelings of guilt, anger, and depression will return, and nothing that's really bothering you will have changed. Eating is not the way to deal.

QuilterInVA
05-28-2009, 09:11 PM
That town is no longer your home and you need to quit putting it before your husband. I understand about aging parents, been there and done that. We moved several times during our married life and once our furniture was in place, it was home. My husband was there.


kiramira
05-28-2009, 09:31 PM
Thanks, Peep Smith, for your compassion.
No thanks, Ms Quilter -- I think that it is important to really be honest about how one feels, and right now, I feel that I am sacrificing alot and I'm not so happy. I don't understand HOW you think that I'm putting my town first! I too have moved -- SEVEN times in the past 16 years!!! So I understand about moves and furniture and stuff. I stated that my dream has been set aside...am I not allowed even to feel sad that something that I've dreamed about is not possible???? As a thinking, valid individual, I actually have the RIGHT to have some dreams. Must one sublimate themselves completely once they marry? And why should it be the female half??? Both partners are important, and both partners have the right to express themselves and to have goals and dreams. The key is negotiating things so that both are happy, not just one. I feel bad enough for actually verbalizing this, and to be chided for feeling upset that a dream that I have had for 23 years is gone is downright thoughtless and completely inappropriate...Life sure must have been simpler in 1955, especially if your life's dream has been to make a husband happy...

Kira

junebug41
05-28-2009, 09:33 PM
I can *kind of* relate.

I love my hometown. It's a beatiful place and all of my friends and I frequently discuss how lucky we were to grow up in such a town.

Everytime I go back I entertain what it would be like to move back and raise my own family... and then I come to my senses and realizes it's just nostalgia for my childhood. My home is where I hang my hat at the end of the day- where my true support system is (my DH). I spent a summer in Nashville and I felt just as home there as I did in Denver where I've lived for the last 8 years.

IMHO, home isn't really a place more than it's a state of mind ;)

Just out of curiosity, what is it about your hometown that you can't seem to find where you live now? My mother is on disability and is always ill, so I know that feeling when you leave that you shouldn't be leaving. Do you feel guilty about leaving?

kiramira
05-28-2009, 09:45 PM
Hi there!
I feel that I should be caretaking for my aging parents. I miss the mountains. I miss the sense of familiarity with neighborhoods and districts. I know exactly where to go to get things that are hard to find. I miss the open spaces and the big sky.
Most of my friends are gone from my hometown, but I still miss it.
And I miss the fact that I always had a dream that once we stopped moving around and settled down, it would be in my hometown. I knew what neighborhood it would be. I even knew the house!!! Which is now up for sale!!! In our price range!!!! But I digress...
Anyways, I know that not all dreams come to fruition and my DH is really, really happy here. It is just hard to let go, that's all...and I'll get over it. But as my parents fail in health, I'll really be squeezed in the middle, and I'm not looking forward to it. They are stubbornly independent and won't leave their home and are becoming increasingly frail with noone around to see that they are OK. And they refuse to move to a more secure accommodation...So it is just a bit much right now.
Thanks so much for listening! I'll get through this, though, hopefully without TOO much dietary damage!!!!
:hug:
Kira

junebug41
05-28-2009, 09:51 PM
Yeah, I commiserate. There's a lot of sensory memories that I draw from my town- smells, in particular. I live in the city and some days I would give about anything to draw a few clean breaths from my river. Ahhh, it makes my heart ache sometimes! (did I mention how cool my hometown is;))

It sounds like not being there for your parents weighs heavy on your heart.... and I know it may be trite to say, but this too shall pass :hug:

jajabee
05-28-2009, 09:58 PM
I know what it's like not to feel at home in a town... what's weird is that that's how I felt about the town I actually grew up in! Weird, huh? :) I've found my home now, though, a city I'd never even visited before we moved here, but it's the right place for us, we're home here.

So I totally understand how you feel, and it sucks how impossible the situation is. Both you and your husband have the same strong desire to live in "your" towns, and those towns are 2,000 miles apart.... so there's really no compromising. All I can suggest (in addition to not turning to food for support, of course!) would be to look for whatever things you can to make this new town feel more like home... you said you like knowing where everything is and where to find all the best hidden secrets, well, can you spend some time exploring your new town on bike or foot? Or plan out "recon" missions to each of the shops, parks, libraries, etc over the next few weeks? It could be that, as you start to get a sense for where everything is and what goes on at each place, you might start to feel more connected to the place.

Other than that, you could always try to convince your parents to move out to your new town... if only things were so simple, right? :)

Fat Pants
05-28-2009, 10:02 PM
Hi there :hug:

I get it. I am in the exact same situation. I grew up in Oklahoma, but live in Colorado. My parents still live in OK, and I have even lived in CO for over 15 years, but it still does not feel like "home." My dh, on the other hand, has lived here his entire life and his entire family is 1.5 hours away. Every time I go home, I just find more and more things to miss about not living there. The weather, the way of life, and most importantly, my parents. They are not OLD (like mid-late 50s) but it's still hard when you feel you can't be there for them. My biggest fear is something happening to my parents and me not being there in time.

So, I totally get what you're feeling. I loooong to move back home, but for better or for worse, I've made this my home. And I am happy here; it may never be "home," but eventually my parents want to retire back here so I think once that happens, it will really feel like home...but that doesn't mean that I still won't miss OK. We have a great home and great jobs here... we want to raise our kids here so moving is really not an option.

I wish I had some great constructive advice for you, but the only thing that I have found that works is just allowing myself to feel sad. It's ok to be homesick, to wish you lived back there. Take a few days to deconstruct, feel what you feel, but try to keep mindful of how you take it out on others... I know i get snippy with DH when I'm feeling the weight of missing home. I have also found that just taking time to have some good laughs with DH, spend some quality time together, and find a project to focus on will help ease the negative feelings. But be kind to yourself in the mean time. :)

bobblefrog
05-28-2009, 10:33 PM
Hey Kiramira - I understand. You are truly in a difficult place. My BF and I struggle with the same thing. I want to go back "home", too. I miss my mom and our house there. I miss a smaller city where everything is only a few minutes drive away. I miss having a garden. I miss the seasons! I love my BF but unfortunately have been able to find little to love about the big city we are in. He has his work here though, and a little family left yet in the area. I am feeling terrified that when we finally do get back it will be to take care of my mom and that I'll miss these last years of enjoying her while she has her health. I am in the center of the country and ALL my family is spread out on the three coasts!

For me the answer has to be to spend more time away and with them. I can't ask my BF to move, but I have to meet my needs for family as well. Now to just make that a reality...financially!

I guess my thought is maybe you have to think out of the box a little? Just rethink your dream a little? I wish you the very best of luck!

junebug41
05-28-2009, 10:42 PM
I love my BF but unfortunately have been able to find little to love about the big city we are in..


Well, come sit by me! Can I be of any assistance in acquainting you with this great city of ours? ;)

junebug41
05-28-2009, 10:43 PM
Man, this thread needs to be re-titled "Displaced/wayward children living in Colorado" :lol:

kiramira
05-29-2009, 12:57 PM
Morning, all!
Thanks so much to all of you who gave me a boost last night -- I'm still struggling, but I will make it and yes, food is NOT the answer. So I'm going to tough this out and see what I can figure out.
I keep sending my parents the for sales section of our paper, but if you think I'M attached to the land, well, my 82 year old mother is so connected to it. She was born on a farm about 60 miles from her home, and she and dad love going out to visit her parents' gravesites to take care of them and they love to do picnics in the local provincial park. My mom is SO attached, and I respect that. My dad, though, would move in an instant, if it wasnt' for his medical conditions and exceptional specialists that he has established relationships with. And up here in the Great White North, it isn't so easy to find a physician in my town. He can't move without medical support and I fear that the only medical support he would immediately get would be that in an ER. Which isn't good....
Enough!
Thanks, folks, for the kind words. I want to visit JuneBug in Colorado!!!! It sounds so completely amazing....
:hug:
Kira

willow650
05-29-2009, 01:13 PM
I have to say that I agree with QuilterinVA. My husband is military, that requires moving. Most people would say "well you choose that life" but when I agreed to marry my husband,he promised to get out, but there were some circumstances that caused that not to happen and I have been a military wie or more than 10yrs. I go where my husband goes, my home is where he goes, period. Is it difficult, YES. My mother is 55yrs old, suffered a massive stroke last year and is living in a nursing home and I can't be there to help. She does have my dad and my brother but I know a part of her needs me there, she also understands I need to be with my husband and children, they are my immediate family now and we live where we have to. I don't believe in adding pressure to him about wanting to move back to my hometown. sometimes you just got suck it up and do what you need to do for your man. You already stated he is a great husband, I take that to mean he tries his best to make you happy, I say return the favor. And yes isusually the wifes job to make such sacrifices.

TJFitnessDiva
05-29-2009, 01:13 PM
I totally understand! I moved to FL for 4 years with my husband...while he was around family and friends I was totally not in a place I wanted to be. It was so chaotic there...people always in a hurry and no "southern hospitality" to be found. My family was a good 9 hours away from me and with my DH's job having him travel all over the world I was alone a lot. I was totally miserable. Before that my husband was in the Marines but I chose to stay home and finish up college instead of moving around with him. Luckily he was only in for 4 years.

Finally I put my foot down and expressed all of my pent up feeling about living so far away from my family, friends and my hometown. Luckily the main office for his job is based out of New Orleans so all he had to do is put a word in with his boss. Sadly though in the mean time the hurricane came through & turned my world upside down but in the end we are still in LA....near my family and near my hometown of NO. Am I much happier? 1000 times yes :)

It is something you need to speak with your DH about to see if some sort of compromise can be made. He wouldn't want you to be this unhappy would he?

:hug:

Fat Pants
05-29-2009, 01:17 PM
Man, this thread needs to be re-titled "Displaced/wayward children living in Colorado" :lol:

lol! no kidding! I love Colorado, truly, I love the mountains and all of the outdoorsy stuff we can do here...but man, I miss the midwest.

dragonwoman64
05-29-2009, 01:20 PM
I wonder if you couldn't set a schedule to visit your hometown, spend some time there and with your parents, maybe a couple of weeks every few months, or every other month.

kiramira
05-29-2009, 01:30 PM
Thanks, dragonwoman. I was thinking that, too. The costs for me to get out there are over $500 (!), because I have to travel to a major center in order to get a cheap flight! There is only one airline that flies out of here, to only one major center, and the premium to do this is $300 return. OR I can catch the train to another major center for $150-ish return (depending on the fare available at the time). The return flight from either major center is between $350 and $500, depending on the seat sales at the time...sigh...
But it IS one option I've been thinking about, but we have to be able to find the $$$ to do this...
I wish my DH was paid like the airlines charge for seats -- you know, if you need that report for TOMORROW, it'll cost the company $900, but if you want it for next MONTH, it'll cost you $450. Plus internet surcharges, electricity tax, and a desk user fee. But you better book me NOW, as I have only 2 timeslots available for that price. And if you want a FIRST-CLASS report, it'll cost you $2200....
:)
Kira

JulieJ08
05-29-2009, 01:44 PM
lol! no kidding! I love Colorado, truly, I love the mountains and all of the outdoorsy stuff we can do here...but man, I miss the midwest.

LOL, we're all different, that's for sure. I'm from the west, but lived for some years in Ohio. The lack of mountains on my daily horizon just did something to me inside. Somehow all the flatness and no mountains just dragged down my spirit. It was like Seasonal Affective Disorder - only it was Geographical Affective Disorder ;)

Lachelle
05-29-2009, 01:55 PM
I know the feeling about missing my hometown. Strangely, it's not the town I grew up in. I live three hours from that town, and only visit once or twice a year (to see my mom) and am glad when I leave. I never felt at home there.

The town I always liked the best was Denver. We moved there a month after we were married, but the DH hated it. The altitude gave him severe headaches and he couldn't tolerate it, so we moved back to North Dakota. I hate it here with a passion, and every week or so I hint that we should move away. He won't, though.

If we ever get divorced, I'm moving out of here the day after the papers are signed.

L R K
05-29-2009, 02:02 PM
I understand how you feel. I am in the same situation only my whole family and all my friends are in a whole other country! I always get a little emotional when I go back and then when I come back to Canada I feel like I don't belong. But it passes over time.

LittleMoonRabbit
05-29-2009, 03:05 PM
KiraMira,

I understand what you are going through. My husband's career is very specific, and jobs in the area we lived in are pretty much impossible to find. So, we moved. I know what it's like to feel like you are sacrificing everything for your husband's well-being. It's hard... I am constantly torn between my love for my husband, and wanting to support his dreams... and the dreams of my own. I want to throw parties and have my family and friends over... but no one is going to come to see us. I don't even have any friends in the area. My parents don't ever come to visit me because it's just too far away and too much of a struggle for them. As sad as it is, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, I have had feelings of regret regarding my marriage from time to time... and it sucks, because he is a fantastic man, and I love him to death, and I feel like I am just being selfish when I think those thoughts.

It's hard... but from other posts here, it seems as though we are not the only ones who are going through this. At least we can all support each other here... it's makes the burden at least a little easier to bear I suppose.

tlp06289
05-29-2009, 06:35 PM
Ugh, I know how you feel and it is so awful..my BF refuses to compromise with me and it is the source of many arguments..
I have to say, to those who were putting you down for feeling this way..that is SO unfair and outdated to assume the wife has to make the hubby happy..even if someone has the sweetest hubby in the world, the woman's happiness is equally important, and no, just because youre with your spouse, it does NOT always feel like home. I myself am going through a similar situation, and in all honesty, if there is no compromise in the near future, as much as I love my bf, I might have to leave..its not fair that he refuses to even hear me out, and he gets to see his parents and family every single day. My father is dying and my mommy is 9 hours away, so NO its not always about making the man happy, Im sorry..I have this ONE life and I refuse to live it in a place where Im unhappy..

*breathe* K, I had to get that off my chest lol.

*hugs*

LittleMoonRabbit
05-29-2009, 08:19 PM
tlp- so sorry about your dad. We are here for you. And I agree, it is not always about just pleasing the hubby... but the way I see it, my husband has known what he has wanted to do since he was 4 years old. I wasn't going to get in the way of that dream- so I willingly made the sacrifice.

Each situation is different, however, so you need to make sure that you do what you need to do, and if that means leaving your bf... well, we all have to make tough choices, right? If you need to be with your dad, then I think you should.

kiramira
05-29-2009, 08:39 PM
:hug: sounds like you need some home time -- you won't regret it, since you only have one dad and mom...
:hug:
Kira

Windchime
05-29-2009, 09:54 PM
LOL, we're all different, that's for sure. I'm from the west, but lived for some years in Ohio. The lack of mountains on my daily horizon just did something to me inside. Somehow all the flatness and no mountains just dragged down my spirit. It was like Seasonal Affective Disorder - only it was Geographical Affective Disorder ;)

That's how I feel when I go someplace flat! I live in the foothills of the Cascade mountains, and no matter where I'm at in this area, you can see the craggy, snow-capped mountains. So when I go someplace flat, I always wonder--how do people know where they *are*?

koolkiwi
05-29-2009, 10:24 PM
LOL, we're all different, that's for sure. I'm from the west, but lived for some years in Ohio. The lack of mountains on my daily horizon just did something to me inside. Somehow all the flatness and no mountains just dragged down my spirit. It was like Seasonal Affective Disorder - only it was Geographical Affective Disorder ;)

So true! I am originally from New Zealand so use to hills and mountains everywhere. Having lived in a flat area for the last 9 years with no hills let alone mountains sucked the life out of me LOL. I didn't realise how much I missed the mountains until we recently moved into a mountainous area and it was like I was living again. Interestingly when living in the flatness I could care less about being outside or not when I had always loved being outdoors and consequently gained all my weight there and since moving back to the mountains I am rarely indoors and have lost 70+ pounds in the 9 months since we have moved.