20-Somethings - Dealing with the family




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kk140
05-27-2009, 07:37 PM
Today i grabbed a 1 cubic inch of cheese from the fridge (which i logged in my calorie book) and my mom turns to me and says: "so i guess the diet is over huh" and smirks/rolls eyes...:nono:
I felt horrible, as if that little piece of cheese is the reason I'm fat. My mom obviously doesn't believe that I could lose weight. Her years of yoyo dieting drilled "CARBS=BAD" and "CHEESE=BAD" into her head. Is she right?

How do you respond to these types of remarks?


luvja
05-27-2009, 07:42 PM
Been there done that, my Dad is the worst for snobby comments regarding my weight loss. Example: "You're dieting, you can't eat that!"
I just learned to ignore his uneducated comments, because he doesn't know what he is talking about. Most of the time I tell him to mind his own business... in a pleasant way.

Thighs Be Gone
05-27-2009, 07:44 PM
I never told anyone I was dieting for reasons such as this. I didn't want the remarks, the looks, the conversations behind my back.

How would I react? I don't know. Possibly I would tell her that the item was on plan for me if I responded at all.


CountingDown
05-27-2009, 08:14 PM
Tell her, "yes - the diet is over" I've decided to change my lifestyle and eat healthfully. This cheese is part of my plan."
Then, pop it in your mouth - savor every single calorie of it and SMILE - knowing that you are indeed doing the right thing.

Mothers do not always know best ;)

bindersbee
05-27-2009, 08:17 PM
I wouldn't have said anything (as you did) but I'd let it totally FUEL my desire to prove her wrong. Unless, of course, it was her manipulative way of trying to 'motivate' you. Eh. I'd still work even harder just to show myself that even if SHE couldn't do it, I could.

Most likely she's making that comment because if YOU succeed, then what excuse does she rely on? If you fail, it justifies all the times she's failed. Does that make sense? It's illogical and emotional but may be true. Does she seem competitive with you in other areas? I could be totally wrong but it's at least something to consider.

TJFitnessDiva
05-27-2009, 08:28 PM
I would roll my eyes right back at her and ditch the "mother guilt". It's truly none of her business and really when it comes down to the heart of things do you really think she should win with her ASSumption?

JulieJ08
05-27-2009, 08:51 PM
I'd want to say, "Sounds like that gives you pleasure."

NishKitten
05-27-2009, 09:04 PM
Well, I don't recommend doing what I would do -- which would be to tell her to shut the f*** up -- because I have no patience when it comes to people saying rude things to me, and I don't have the gene that makes me regret being abrasive to people when I think they deserve it.

I would definitely make sure to let her know it was disrespectful and that you don't want to deal with her snarky bullcrap because it's not motivating or helpful, so she should knock it off.

It's best to nip these sorts of things before they become commonplace and they think it's okay to do it.

Iconised Ghost
05-27-2009, 09:34 PM
thats so harsh :( Im another closet dieter, but i'd probably make some joke. Reminds me of in The Devil Wears Prada where that receptionist girl is complimented on looking thin and shes like "Im on a new diet- i dont eat anything and when i feel like im about to faint I eat a tiny cube of cheese" :lol:

SarahMorgan
05-27-2009, 10:03 PM
:( I'm sorry. That wasn't nice at all. I would just tell her that it is allowed on your diet and walk away.

DRose
05-28-2009, 01:46 AM
Oh boy I know what you mean. Both of my parents do that sort of thing to me. But the worst is my bf. Cause my parents are caring about it whereas when he does it it just seems mean. He'll say something like "are you SURE you want that?" and give me this look. I always end up pissed off when we does that. HOWEVER, when my parents do it I'll either calmly explain that I am well within my calorie goals for the day or I just won't respond.

Either way I know it sucks, but nobody knows what you can and cannot have as well as you. Just trust your own judgment and remember they'll all want your advice once you get to goal! :carrot:

BeautyandtheBeast
05-28-2009, 03:23 AM
Oh yeah I know exactly where you are coming from. My mum is really bad for things like that - the sad thing is she really thinks she is helping me but she just makes me feel bad about myself. My mum has been a yo-yo dieter since she was in her twenties and I grew up around her obsession which I know accounts for a lot of the eating issues I had in highschool, but these days i'm trying to be sensible and healthy - not just starve myself or cut out every food that contains carbs or whatever. But she told me the other day that i must stop eating bread - like it's any of her business anyway. I don't eat gallons of bread, I mean what's wrong with having a bread roll if my calories permit it. It really, really winds me up! I think we all have that kind of thing to some extent.

hello pinki
05-28-2009, 02:41 PM
My response would be to explain I'm on a lifestyle change, not a diet, and that cheese is very healthy in moderation, like all things in life.

My mother gave me a similar comment once when I was drinking a vitamin water and all the sugar in it. I just informed her that It was the first time I'd ever had one, and when you take 3 days to drink it its probably OK.

Sheesh.

Fat Pants
05-28-2009, 02:48 PM
Ask her how her diet's going, and then point out you've already lost 15 lbs, eating a single cheese cube and all.

amyleigh
05-28-2009, 03:51 PM
my uncle always does the same thing to me. he's actually done it my whole life, to all of my cousins and i. "are you sure you need that extra brownie?" damn straight I do. i never even told him i was "dieting" because i just cut calories, so i'm still eating the same crap (cookies, cake, ice cream and all) that i always did. he kept making those comments until memorial day when i went to get a THIRD brownie (i totally went over my calorie count for the day shhh) and he made a face at me and i simply said..."yes i'm having a third brownie, and i've lost 30 lbs." and walked away.
in your situation i'd probably say "nope and cheese is on it" then walk away...i use the frustration to fuel me in my next workout:)

stellarosa27
05-28-2009, 03:55 PM
Have I mentioned that it is my BIGGEST pet peeve when people comment on what others are eating? MIND YOUR OWN DARN BUSINESS.

Ugh.

Sorry.

janellody
05-28-2009, 04:43 PM
I know how you feel. Sometimes I get so excited about my diet that I want to share it with my family and such, but then after I do that I feel like they are always judging me and I can't properly enjoy anything or eat anything that others might not perceive as "diet food" because then they just think I am "cheating"... yes very annoying. I think twice before mentioning my diet to people now just so I don't have to worry about their unwanted thoughts on the topic.

MindiV
05-28-2009, 04:49 PM
My husband just gives a look. Like if I've got enough calories in a day for a larger supper, I'll split the entree I'm allowed into two portions so I can "go back for seconds." The first time I did it he just gave me this LOOK...like I shouldn't be eating what I was eating. Then again when I got some store-bought shredded BBQ chicken (80 calories per 1/4 cup). We were eating sandwiches for lunch last weekend, and I put about 4 portions of the barbecue into a pan to heat it up. He got about half of it and stood around...usually with things we eat this way, I leave some and he eats the rest. Well, this time I got my two portions and had a sandwich on toasted bread. He got all mad and gave me the LOOK...like I was eating too much and should've left some in the pan.

Grrr...

BeautyandtheBeast
05-28-2009, 04:52 PM
Have I mentioned that it is my BIGGEST pet peeve when people comment on what others are eating? MIND YOUR OWN DARN BUSINESS.

Ugh.

Sorry.

That's mine too. It bugs the life out of me and it REALLY winds me up.

I know how you feel. Sometimes I get so excited about my diet that I want to share it with my family and such, but then after I do that I feel like they are always judging me and I can't properly enjoy anything or eat anything that others might not perceive as "diet food" because then they just think I am "cheating"... yes very annoying. I think twice before mentioning my diet to people now just so I don't have to worry about their unwanted thoughts on the topic.

Yes, I'm the same. I try and share it with my mum occasionally even though past experience should have taught me not to because then all she does is scrutinise all I eat. If i'm not munching carrots and apples all day and she sees me with something else in my mouth it's like this huge thing - half the time she doesn't even know what i've eaten that day anyway so she can hardly tell whether i'm eating too many calories. I mean, my mum is a psycho dieter and is always dieting herself - when I was in highschool she actually told me not to eat bananas because they were really high in calories and it took me years before I started eating them again. Crazy woman. It's about moderation, I don't see why I need to punish myself and deny myself foods to lose weight.

Callie1983
05-28-2009, 05:51 PM
During previous attempts to lose weight/get healthy my husband has told me "you're going to burn yourself out, etc." He has been very supportive lately, but I still have the fear of him doubting me. I catch myself worrying about having any kind of treat in front of him out of fear that he will think I've started back-sliding. So, it's me, not them in my case. But, all of my life, I've been one of those people who is motivated by proving people wrong! Anyhoo... whatever works!

L R K
05-28-2009, 05:58 PM
That is a tough situation to be in, I have been in that position and it is really hard - it makes you feel absolutely awful. However don't let these remarks get you down. Just answer them politely and say "Nope, just part of the plan for today!" Don't let it get to you :)

Star2Be
05-28-2009, 10:01 PM
I think you've already gotten some excellent advice on this subject, but I just want to throw in my own $0.02 about something--while I think it's a great idea to explain to her that you are implementing a lifestyle change, not a "diet," I don't think you need to bother mentioning how much weight you have already lost. To me, that just seems a little defensive, as if you're trying to validate your eating cheese by giving "proof" that it's working... But you don't owe her ANY explanation for why you're eating cheese, so if you offer up that much information, it'll only clue her in to the fact that her comments are really getting under your skin, so she probably won't stop. Instead, I think it's best to keep mum. Let your actions speak for themselves--if she hasn't noticed your losses already, she certainly will soon, and it'll drive her NUTS to see you have so much success even in spite of eating *gasp!* tiny cubes of cheese.

This is essentially what I did when I had a similar problem with my own mother trying to sabotage me, making very unwelcome comments about my lifestyle, broadcasting all of the intimate details of my losses to anyone who would listen, etc. I simply stopped talking to her at ALL about that aspect of my life, and sat back quietly losing 110 lbs without her having a damn clue what was going on! :lol: She still has no idea how much I've lost or my current weight (or pants size, since she was beginning to make a habit out of announcing that as well), and I *know* she can't stand it. Muahaha... :s: But anyways, yeah, that's what worked for me! It's a little frustrating to feel like you have to be so secretive with someone who you SHOULD be able to trust, but the most important thing is doing whatever helps you to feel more comfortable.

kk140
05-31-2009, 06:08 PM
That's mine too. It bugs the life out of me and it REALLY winds me up.



Yes, I'm the same. I try and share it with my mum occasionally even though past experience should have taught me not to because then all she does is scrutinise all I eat. If i'm not munching carrots and apples all day and she sees me with something else in my mouth it's like this huge thing - half the time she doesn't even know what i've eaten that day anyway so she can hardly tell whether i'm eating too many calories. I mean, my mum is a psycho dieter and is always dieting herself - when I was in highschool she actually told me not to eat bananas because they were really high in calories and it took me years before I started eating them again. Crazy woman. It's about moderation, I don't see why I need to punish myself and deny myself foods to lose weight.

The other day i ate a banana and my mom said "there's like 300 calories in that!"
LOL
Banana: Calories 72 (Calorie King)

kk140
05-31-2009, 06:13 PM
You guys are really the best!! It's great to know I'm not the only one in this situation but sad that people who are supposed to care about us could bring us down (or try to) with just one comment!
Thanks for all the great tips and advice!
I didn't want to tell anyone about my lifestyle change but I had to tell my parents and grandmothers since we eat supper all together and I had to justify making my own meal when they were eating things I really couldn't! My boyfriend knows too and he's mostly supportive. But in the end it's nobody's business but mine because no one can change my future except me!

Thanks again everyone :)

cfb8986
06-02-2009, 12:06 AM
I completely understand what you mean.
I pretty much don't tell anyone outside my family that I've been trying to lose weight. It just gets awkward. When people tell me I look good because I've lose weight, it feels awkward because it means they are aknowledging that I used to look worse...

But back to the point... my own mom is a terrible yo yo dieter. I actually catch myself judging what she is eating. I don't say anything to her but I do judge her. She is either all in with her diet or binge eating. I prefer to look at my diet as a lifestyle change.

My dad is very fit and health concious. I know that it really bothers him that my mom is overweight and although he never really says anything to me, it bothers him that I was unhealthy.

You just can't let other people bother you. You know what works for you.

starfishkitty
06-03-2009, 09:53 AM
I agree with what they said above.... obviously you're doing well on your diet so just calmy explain to her that you're going for the healthy BALANCED diet approach and have done quite well doing so, thank-you-very-much!, and walk away!

stargzr
06-04-2009, 09:25 PM
I would look at her as I took a bite and say - "Thanks for looking out". If she's mean all the time, then you know that her comment was just another spout-off. If she's typically nice about things then I wonder why she chose this to say something to you. Maybe she's jealous of the fact that you're young and losing weight of your own accord. You don't mention if she is overweight or not, but I am thinking she probably is. Now you just know that anything she says to you about your weight you should take with a grain of salt. Remember that you're doing this for yourself, not to prove anyone right or wrong. Keep your chin up and brush it off.

cincimom11
06-04-2009, 10:30 PM
Thank her for her support

elle w 19
06-06-2009, 12:12 AM
I just started getting serious (again) so I had to address this issue with my mom earlier today.

Every time I talked to my mom on the phone, I was terrified that she was going to bring up the weight/diet/whatever issue and I would feel SO UNCOMFORTABLE the entire phone conversation and then I would be tempted to binge/eat crappy foods after I got off the phone with her to deter the bad feelings.

So....
Today I told her that "at this stage" in my journey, for her to be supportive to me, she needed to promise that she would not ask me anything about my progress for a month or so. I told her she had to trust that I was working on it and allow me some time to get less sensitive, to build up my confidence, and to get comfortable with my new lifestyle and my new way of dealing with food and emotions.

I made it clear that it was MY problem so she didn't get defensive and so she respected my boundaries. I made it clear that I wanted to have a relationship with her, but if she continued to bring things up, it wouldn't be possible because of my current, but hopefully temporary hang ups.

Strangely, just getting that out of the way made me so happy and COMFORTABLE. I began to tell her about my new habits, my hopes, what I'm eating today, what I've struggled with recently. When I stopped treating her like the enemy and told her how she could be my ally, thankfully she respected my wishes and was able to be my ally at that moment. I know not all moms can/will react the same way, but I hope this helps someone!