20-Somethings - I want to be hot.




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jayohwhy
05-19-2009, 04:00 PM
oh dear God I am so sick of being the "nice girl" who you have to get to know. I want to be that girl that people appreciate from far away without having to talk to them first. I'm sick of blending in the background when I'm with all my wildly attractive friends. Even my boyfriend thinks of me that way. I can't take it anymore!


loveDC425
05-19-2009, 04:07 PM
It's crazy how we start believing things other people tell us about ourselves. We have to tell ourselves what we are and believe in it! No matter what other people say!! I used to feel so ugly because I used to hang out with guys alot and they used to all always check out other hot girls and they loved me as their friend and used to tell me how they wish they could find a GF like me. And I was like HELLO I am SINGLE PEOPLE.. but I guess I was not attractive to them, again, like you.. my "personality was attractive"... but after a while I was sick and tired of believing this and I told myself I am hot and I am beautiful and I make heads turn (to the point where I would talk to my self in the mirror to make myself believe it more).. and before you know it the more i told myself that, the more confident I looked on the outside because of my attitude, and it made me want to dress up more often.. (make up, nice clothes etc)... next thing I know I am meeting a guy every single weekend when I go out.. and 3 months later I had like 9 guys that I was talking to ?!?! WTF ??? And I had not LOST ONE POUND.. in fact I was 8 pounds heavier !?... and now I have lost like 12 pounds but for some reason my confidence is down a bit and I havent been getting noticed at much.... I really think confidence/attitude makes a HUGE different on how other people see you... if you beleive what other people tell you- than you make it true.... if you make your Own beliefs and REALLY believe in them- then that will become the new truth... Dont know if that helps or not- but thats what I have learned/experienced! Goodluck!

stellarosa27
05-19-2009, 04:08 PM
I'm with you Jay - we can do this! I have a picture of Marilyn Monroe in my room at home, and that's what I see when I wake up - its my inspiration for working my butt off every morning.


JulieRN
05-19-2009, 04:44 PM
I hear ya! Keep up what you're doing you'll get there! :)

rainy
05-19-2009, 04:59 PM
Even my boyfriend thinks of me that way. I can't take it anymore!

At least you have a boyfriend, think about having been the ugly one all life and not getting the 'nice one' you talk about you are still invisible. No boyfriend, no girlfriend, all your evenings are alone, all your weekends are alone, holidays? If you want them they'll be alone. Yes, go out, but know you'll be invisible, they just don't want you. Well, let me tell you: at least you have a boyfriend!!

ringmaster
05-19-2009, 06:02 PM
At least you have a boyfriend, think about having been the ugly one all life and not getting the 'nice one' you talk about you are still invisible. No boyfriend, no girlfriend, all your evenings are alone, all your weekends are alone, holidays? If you want them they'll be alone. Yes, go out, but know you'll be invisible, they just don't want you. Well, let me tell you: at least you have a boyfriend!!

If it's a good relationship, it's nice to have a boyfriend. but just because someone has a boyfriend doesn't mean things are always going to be all that great. Having a boyfriend and being in a bad relationship can be stressful and not always a happy time.

I used to hang out with guys alot and they used to all always check out other hot girls and they loved me as their friend and used to tell me how they wish they could find a GF like me. And I was like HELLO I am SINGLE PEOPLE..

When I hung out with my ex (who was then my bf) and his friends they always used to talk about the hot girls around... I remember if we were in a bar or at the beach they'd walk away from me to talk to some hot girls ...my bf said it was just talking, but it still bothered me to see the girls they talked to and checked out were thin, hot, fake boobs,etc.. :(

tarryn
05-19-2009, 08:12 PM
Me to!!

jayohwhy
05-19-2009, 08:13 PM
At least you have a boyfriend, think about having been the ugly one all life and not getting the 'nice one' you talk about you are still invisible. No boyfriend, no girlfriend, all your evenings are alone, all your weekends are alone, holidays? If you want them they'll be alone. Yes, go out, but know you'll be invisible, they just don't want you. Well, let me tell you: at least you have a boyfriend!!

i'm not really sure what you just said, actually. i've read it to myself a few times...

futuresurferchick
05-19-2009, 09:55 PM
oh dear God I am so sick of being the "nice girl" who you have to get to know. I want to be that girl that people appreciate from far away without having to talk to them first. I'm sick of blending in the background when I'm with all my wildly attractive friends. Even my boyfriend thinks of me that way. I can't take it anymore!

I don't have a boyfriend but apart from that---DITTO

spikedpunch
05-19-2009, 10:41 PM
I'm with you guys. I usually go out with my cousins and a friend of theirs, all of whom are gorgeous. I never get noticed and it's a massive blow to the self esteem every time. So I'm hoping that I can get to the point where my awesome body makes up for an unattractive face. It'd be nice if there was a guy out there actually attracted to me, not just dating me because he was desperate for a relationship (thank god I'm no longer in that relationship).

Lachelle
05-19-2009, 11:05 PM
spiked punch, is that you in your avatar?

orthodiva
05-20-2009, 12:27 AM
I understand your frustration. People always described me as "the kind of girl you marry" which is a wholesome sentiment I suppose. However, I have fluctuated weight noticeably twice now in the past 6 years. When I show up thinner after a few months of being away from the social scene, the compliments are instant. However, I agree with loveDC that how you present and carry yourself is just as important in people's impressions of you in any situation, whether it is at the bar or in your professional lives.

Star2Be
05-20-2009, 12:39 AM
Oh my GOD, I *know*!!!!

You have no idea how badly I want that... I have been fat my whole life, and up until like 2 months ago I had literally never attracted a single guy in my entire 19 freakin' years... And so far the only ones who seemed even remotely interested were completely intoxicated/definitely weren't going after me because they thought I was hot--trust me. :rolleyes: I've never even been kissed, let alone had a freakin' boyfriend! (Gawwd, I feel so pathetic saying that. :o)

I know that there are plenty of reasons to lose weight for your health, but I'm not gonna lie, there's a part of me that secretly wishes that losing weight ALSO would have included my fairy godmother waving her wand over me and - *poof* - me transforming into a hottie!! Instead, so far I'm more or less just a smaller version of the same old Meredith, only with much saggier skin. :headache:

Don't get me wrong; my confidence levels have definitely skyrocketed from what they used to be, and I *do* like a lot of things about myself, but still... I dunno, I really do wish that just for ONCE I could be the kind of girl that you described--someone who turns heads, who gets noticed from across the room, who actually gets HIT on (!!), who a guy will go out of his way to impress, etc. I want a guy to feel like he's lucky to be talking to me, not like he's doing me a favor!!

Yeah, I don't think it's ever gonna happen, but it *is* nice to dream... :dizzy:

MiniMo
05-20-2009, 01:02 AM
I have spent my entire life believing that I was never the pretty one. Spikedpunch, I used to have the same attitude as you, that if I couldn't be pretty then at least I could be a "butterface" - how sad is that! Nobody should ever, ever feel that way. So believe me when I say I know exactly what you girls mean. Yet we're often our own harshest critic, and the way we see ourselves is very distorted. Meredith and Spikedpunch - you're both extremely cute girls, I hope you know that.

There's always that desire to be THAT girl, we always feel like we're being compared to other girls... I think all girls feel this way, and even the "hot" ones aren't completely happy with themselves. It's how society makes girls feel. loveDC is onto something here when she says a lot of it is attitude - confidence is attractive! We all long for that perfect body, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the "hot one" (**** knows I do) but things like Meredith talked about in the post above - wanting to be hit on (you'll be skeeved out when it happens), wanting someone to want to impress you - those things aren't out of your reach. Yes, even now. So ladies - love, don't hate.

spikedpunch
05-20-2009, 01:20 AM
Meredith, don't feel embarrassed about that. I'm 23 and I've only had one 3 month relationship. First boyfriend, first kiss, first boy "attracted" to me was all at 23 (and like I said, only attracted to me because he was desperate). And you're definitely pretty, so don't doubt that.

I'm working on the confidence thing, but a big problem of mine is that I've still got some lingering social anxiety issues. Social situations make me uncomfortable and not confident by default.

And yep, that's me in my avatar Lachelle.

Lachelle
05-20-2009, 06:52 AM
Spiked punch and Meredith, you're both gorgeous. The guys will fall in line once you guys realize that.

(I'm not just saying it, either. Spiked punch, you look like Amanda Bynes.)

rainy
05-20-2009, 07:00 AM
i'm not really sure what you just said, actually. i've read it to myself a few times...

I'm sorry if that was unclear, I'll try and write it better.
Stop whining because you at least seem to have relationship with other people. At least you have wildly attractive friends. At least you have a boyfriend. That's what you wrote. At least you have SOMEONE around you.
Think about all the people who don't even have that!! All the people for which the problem is not about being hot or not, but just be acceptable. Put yourself in their shoes and then look back at your problem, when you don't want to be hot, you just want to be acceptable, to get away with people without comments, to be treated equally or nicely as with any other human being, that is basic, then the problem of 'being hot' will be secondary.

miss shelly84
05-20-2009, 07:54 AM
I totally feel you guys on this one. Actually, I was just talking to my mom about this the other day. I have always been "one of the guys"... not only because of my weight, but because I like sports and video games and other typically "macho" things. You would think this would be a great selling point, but the appearance always kind of dissuades them.

But yeah, I have had several relationships, one lasted three years actually and wound up being an engaged relationship. But it was horrible, and once I got out of it, there was a generous sprinkling of applause amongst my friends and family. Won't go into too many particulars, but yeah, someone who tries to change you into someone else from the get-go can't be good news. : /

So, for those of you wanting a boyfriend (or girlfriend)... wait for the right one, and don't just settle for the most convenient. Trust me on this one.

As for confidence, this is true, it's definitely a confidence thing. I knew a girl who was twice as heavy as me in college and got tons of dates. So be confident, and if all else fails, pretend that you're the hot girl, cause eventually, you will be. (And sorry for the weird post. My cat loves the keyboard.

stellarosa27
05-20-2009, 09:47 AM
Well I think you're both pretty girls. I don't really get hit on often, and when it happens I don't believe what's happening. There's this guy I've been, uh, we'll say dating, on and off for almost 3 years and I *still* don't believe that he finds me attractive, despite his many references to that fact.

I understand/agree that being "hot" also has confidence associated with it - and I've never really been confident about my body. Possibly due to weight, but I look at pictures of me at 17 (157 lbs and a size 10) and I realize I don't have self-perception. I am working on that, but along the same lines, I also know that I'm heavier than *I* find attractive, and I want to work on that as well.

It also doesn't help that 75% of my friends are male and don't see me as "female."

janellody
05-20-2009, 09:58 AM
I, too, have been there. I went through high school being the funny friend to a bunch of hot girls. Don't get me wrong, they are good people, but they are al skinny (one of them even has this thyroid problem where she loses too much weight--why can't I get that???). I have lost and gained weight and always felt SO much prettier when I was skinnier. I rarely ever had boyfriends when I was younger, and if I did it was during my skinnier times, which just proved that I was only good enough when I was skinnier.

However... I am not married. I got with my husband when I was probably at a more in between weight, which is good. Now I have gained back all my weight and he is still into me, so that is VERY good. It's not like you guys will never find someone, it's just that you haven't found the right person yet. I feel so lucky to have someone who loves me for who I am, and there are plenty of other guys out there who aren't shallow.... and my husband is hot, too!! You guys will find someone when it is the right time for you, and you WILL be the hot girl!! And from looking at the pictures... you are already the hot girl!

Riverite
05-20-2009, 10:25 AM
I really think that it is (mostly) about confidence. Not to sound totally full of myself--but I think I am hot. Was I hotter at a size 8? Maybe. But, I was also hot when I was size 18. I focus on all the good things about me, and the rest...well, whatever.

And, don't think about the other girls. I know it is hard--but it's about you, not them. You are beautiful. If you don't think you are beautiful, then you need redefine your definition of beauty. Who decides what "hot" is anyway? It isn't important that some random guy in a bar finds you hot. It is important that you think of yourself that way.

sws19
05-20-2009, 10:48 AM
i have a friend who is really really cute, but not, ya know, super remarkable looking in and of itself. but, man, she just exudes this fun and carefree confidence and approachability and je ne sais quoi because whenever we go out with her, guys flock to her like bees to honey. it's quite awe-inspiring really.
i too am one who spent most of my teens and twenties feeling like the not as hot friend to very beautiful girls. i am aware that so much of it is in how you carry yourself and the confidence factor, but it's one thing to tell yourself i'm hot and i'm amazing and another thing to really really believe it. to exude it.

starfishkitty
05-20-2009, 10:55 AM
It really, really is about how you carry yourself. Though I've struggled with my weight, I've always been the friend that my other "bigger friends" eventually became jealous/envous/spiteful towards because when I want to go out... I get dressed up, do the make up thing, the I'm-Gonna-Have-a-Blast-N-Let-It-All-Hang-Out thing.... and inevitably I usually end up flirting with a least a few guys, if not getting closer (a number, a random drunken makeout [though, to be fair, I'm kinda beyond that this past year and a half.. not really interested anymore], an attempted conversation of "Hey wanna take this elsewhere?") to them..... and they just don't understand how I do it. I've tried to explain to them that you have to quit worrying about it so much (though deep down inside we all know its there) and just want to have fun... flirt with who you want to flirt with and if they don't like it.... to **** with them! Keep on your merry little way! Laugh at what makes you laugh, etc. Guys ARE attracted to confidence my friends...... I never had a problem with that. My problem is KEEPING them. Offering enough, physically emotionally and mentally.... to keep them.

stellarosa27
05-20-2009, 10:59 AM
You know what would be a useful course in college?

How to Flirt 101.

Never learned. I spent my prime flirting years at an all-girls highschool (my choice and I LOVED it) but I feel that I missed something there.

jayohwhy
05-20-2009, 11:40 AM
I'm sorry if that was unclear, I'll try and write it better.
Stop whining because you at least seem to have relationship with other people. At least you have wildly attractive friends. At least you have a boyfriend. That's what you wrote. At least you have SOMEONE around you.
Think about all the people who don't even have that!! All the people for which the problem is not about being hot or not, but just be acceptable. Put yourself in their shoes and then look back at your problem, when you don't want to be hot, you just want to be acceptable, to get away with people without comments, to be treated equally or nicely as with any other human being, that is basic, then the problem of 'being hot' will be secondary.

i think its ironic that you are telling me to stop whining when it seems like you yourself are whining about your current situation. I posted this thread because I was thinking that other members of our forum might feel the same way I do.

Just because I have a bf or friends doesn't mean that everything is automatically better for me than it is for you. It's the same way that I dont think that things are automatically better for the people on our forum who are married. I am under the impression that we are here to give eachother support.

Therefore, I am not going to pity you just because you pity yourself. If you would like me to suck it up and deal it seems only fair that you do the same thing. It's hypocritical to tell me to recognize all the things that I have when you yourself are not doing the same thing.

jayohwhy
05-20-2009, 11:47 AM
You know what would be a useful course in college?

How to Flirt 101.

Never learned. I spent my prime flirting years at an all-girls highschool (my choice and I LOVED it) but I feel that I missed something there.

haha-- true story! I have always felt awkward about guys. It took me YEARS before i figured how even remotely how they work!

maybe it does have to do with perception. i am at a weight that i haven't been since hs. however, i remember feeling this uncomfortable and awkward in hs even though when i was at my heaviest, i would look at those pictures and think that i was skinny back then. all my friends who are attractive seem to have confidence about it. I don't know if they are attractive because they are confident or vice versa!

I'm at an age where I am not ashamed to tell the truth. I want to look in the mirror before I go out and think that i look damn good. I want to go to f21 and wear all those outfits that only work on people who are fit. I want to go out and have someone notice me instead of asking if my friend is single. These things seem fun and I've never had the pleasure of doing them before.

stellarosa27
05-20-2009, 12:14 PM
I'm at an age where I am not ashamed to tell the truth. I want to look in the mirror before I go out and think that i look damn good. I want to go to f21 and wear all those outfits that only work on people who are fit. I want to go out and have someone notice me instead of asking if my friend is single. These things seem fun and I've never had the pleasure of doing them before.

EXACTLY! My desire "to be hot" isn't so much rooted in how I want others to see me, but how I see myself! It might be a 60-40 split, but I want to find myself attractive. Part of it is confidence, and part of it is losing this extra 60 lbs.

spikedpunch
05-20-2009, 12:23 PM
You know what would be a useful course in college?

How to Flirt 101.

Never learned. I spent my prime flirting years at an all-girls highschool (my choice and I LOVED it) but I feel that I missed something there.


That would've been extremely useful. I always try to overcompensate for my anxiety by forcing myself to talk even more than I normally would. The problem with that? It usually turns out sarcastic and abrasive. Though anyone who would be dating me would have to be okay with sarcasm anyway. :p

I'm currently trying to figure out how to be subtle about letting the guy I have a crush on know, without anyone else noticing. But I highly doubt that'll happen, so I'll just sit back and deal with being that girl over there who he rarely talks to. haha.

I've attempted to learn by observation from my friends who get hit on and always seem to get guys attention, but they have to do little, if anything at all, so there's not much that can be gleaned from that. I'll just have to keep faking some confidence and hope it works out eventually.

MiniMo
05-20-2009, 01:53 PM
For me, confidence is definitely a "fake it until you make it" type of deal. And you're all right, it's not an arrogance, more being comfortable with yourself which in turn leads to being relaxed in social situations/with someone you're attracted to, being able to flirt, etc.

For the longest time, I hated who I was, hated how I looked. From 4th grade to 12 grade I felt like this. And after high school I couldn't stand it anymore, I didn't want to be that person I hated anymore. I was at my biggest in high school, and I did manage to drop a couple of pounds in that time period, but more importantly, I changed my outlook on myself. I used to be very quiet, very introverted, very shy. I felt awkward in social situations, I was the one who ate lunch alone, never spoke up, etc. and I hated it. I realized that there was nothing actually stopping me from being the outgoing, extroverted person I always wanted to be - the only thing stopping me was the belief that I couldn't do it.

So I faked it. When I went to college, I talked and acted like someone who didn't have the issues that I had, someone who genuinely loved herself. I approached people first, struck up conversations with strangers, and yes, it was terrifying, but it was oh so worth it. I realized that I was the only person making myself feel awkward, and all the times I felt embarrassed was totally self-inflicted. It's not just attitude, though, I also tried to dress myself well, do my hair and makeup, and these things made me genuinely feel good about myself. You feel good when you take care of yourself. I made tons of friends, I got used to being an extrovert, and now I can't imagine myself any other way. I can't say that boys suddenly magically started paying attention to me, but somewhere down the line something changed and I went from the girl that guys tormented in school to being the one they wanted to hang around, and I get flirted with and hit on in bars/clubs.

You can't gain confidence overnight, it IS about learning to like yourself, and yes you may have to fake it and yes some girls are lucky and seem to get hit on without ever doing anything at all. But my tips of flirting are smile, try to be relaxed, and be yourself. Those are the big cliches, of course. But you can also look for clues like body language, eye contact, casual contact. How is his body language when talking to you, is it open or closed? Does he lean toward you or away? Don't be afraid to start up conversations, and don't be disappointed if you don't succeed. It's more about actually doing it than being successful.

And Spikedpunch, I think you'll have to give us more details before we can help! ;)

stellarosa27
05-20-2009, 02:21 PM
You know what's funny, I can fake it at work. My whole job actually depends on me faking it.

I spend most of the day on the phone/email with people across the country and I have to do presentations in front of big groups (100 +) a few times a year, in addition to having one on one meetings with doctors/nurses at various hospitals at least once a month. I'm even the corporate head of data managers and have to run a monthly company-wide meeting with people junior and senior to myself. All of this is faked.

I'm naturally shy and introverted, but if you told someone I work with that, they'd be like NO WAY. I just never learned to "fake it" socially. Something to work on...

NishKitten
05-20-2009, 03:16 PM
Hmm... being hot...

I think i'm on the other side of the spectrum. I don't think i'm "hot" at all, but i'm my own worst critic. I do, however, seem to possess the sex appeal and savvy you think you want. I'm a professional peen hunter, it comes with the territory. :p

Since finding out my DH and I are separated men are a nonstop annoyance for me. I seriously get 30+ calls and texts a day from random dudes asking me whats going on, if I want to go out, etc. The problem is that I have not given my phone number out to more than maybe six of these dingbats, AND I cannot for the life of me remember who most of these gutter rats from the past even are. Over and over it's me saying, "I met you at what bar where in 2007?! Stop calling me!" It's obnoxious. I only want the attention when *I* want it, not when they want to dole it out. THAT is the quandary. You don't get to pick and choose when you're 'that chick.'

The attention is flattering for oh, maybe 2 seconds. With it comes some unspoken and very hard-to-overcome stigma's. One being that you are just what you seem to be: Something to look at, take home, get naked, and f*ck. The second is that other women will automatically assume you are scandalous. That you have to be missing a chunk of your brain, evil, a whore, etc. To hear the way they would describe you to the guy that is currently dating you can be hurtful provided you give a crap what other people think. Gotta have the armor up all the time. It's not the men that are hard to work provided you're doing what YOU want, not the other way around. It's the other women they associate with that will rip you to shreds no matter what the circumstances are.

It's isolating not having any female friends and no guy you can trust to just be your friend without trying to put the moves on you. I am fortunate for the fact that my interests and hobbies have put me in touch with a giant network of the best friends a girl could ever ask for (all of them are gay, btw) who love me for who I am with no strings attached. Don't get me wrong, I have female friends but aside from the two who have known me since grade school the rest are cut-throat 'frenemies' more than anything. They're competitive for NO reason. I'm not in a competition and whatever vibe I put out I can't just turn on and off. I'm not even doing anything but being myself. I can't trust any of them because one look from a guy that one of them may have thought was attractive and the drama extravaganza begins!

I'm sure you're gorgeous, but you don't put yourself out there. You're talking about 20-something men. Unless you're putting out (or they think you will) most of them aren't inclined to approach initially. So as much as you may think it's a curse I would love to blend in and have people be comfortable and relaxed around me for once.

Thighs Be Gone
05-20-2009, 03:24 PM
Add my name to the list. I want to be HAWT too. I overcompensated in so many areas of my life other than my looks. Now, I want to be completely DONE up too! I am tired of traipsing around as everyone else's sidekick! I want to center ring!

Fat Pants
05-20-2009, 03:36 PM
There's a lot of lamenting going on in this thread! As a rare married 20-something, it's true - it doesn't get easier just because you're married. My husband has never uttered a word about my weight, but the lack of confidence and the way you see yourself will affect you in other areas of your life as well, like your coworkers and friends - even if you're not looking to be hot and attract guys, you still want to look good. And let's not forget about that 10 year high school reunion that's coming up next year, shall we? I don't want to go back fatter than I was in high school! :lol:

But I will say this. You'd better get the self esteem issue worked out and learn to value yourself outside of your looks. I discovered after dropping 40 lbs and reaching my ideal weight (135) that I still felt bad about myself. I was still "too fat," "too ugly," too WHATEVER. Being an ideal weight didn't change my confidence level. I still had a lot of negative self talk. So I think it's really important to focus on a lot of positives that you have OUTSIDE of weight and looking good. Those things are great, no doubt... since dropping almost 30 lbs I certainly have more confidence. But I still have lots of insecurities and it's good to iron those out during this journey... then when you do reach your goal weight, nothing will be holding you back. You'll be healthy on the inside and out.

/end Dove-like sermon ;)

NishKitten
05-20-2009, 03:37 PM
Add my name to the list. I want to be HAWT too. I overcompensated in so many areas of my life other than my looks. Now, I want to be completely DONE up too! I am tired of traipsing around as everyone else's sidekick! I want to center ring!

Put on a mini skirt and work it then! :lol: Dress up, have fun, and be skanky for a night. It's a-okay. :D

shantroy
05-20-2009, 03:57 PM
You know what's funny, I can fake it at work. My whole job actually depends on me faking it.

I spend most of the day on the phone/email with people across the country and I have to do presentations in front of big groups (100 +) a few times a year, in addition to having one on one meetings with doctors/nurses at various hospitals at least once a month. I'm even the corporate head of data managers and have to run a monthly company-wide meeting with people junior and senior to myself. All of this is faked.

I'm naturally shy and introverted, but if you told someone I work with that, they'd be like NO WAY. I just never learned to "fake it" socially. Something to work on...


Stella, I'm exactly the same way. I spend my days conducting trainings for groups of 6 to 50 people. I can walk in to any room and chat away with confidence to anyone from the janitor to the CEO, I'm witty, upbeat, cheerful and funny. People looooove me. Stick me with those same people over dinner or meet them in a bar and I'm hopeless. Though I'm getting better. My bf refuses to believe that I'm shy. Though the one thing I've started to figure out in the last few months is people actually like me!:dizzy: I mean I knew this, but it's really just starting to hit home. People enjoy my company no matter what I weigh. I'm really just figuring this out.

I'm still one of the boys, however. I was asked to attend a male friend's bachelor party over the weekend, coz hey Shan, you're like one of the guys! This same group of guy friends are also friends with my bf, and literally forget that I'm a girl and dating one of their best friends. I find it funny, but I would love to be one of the girl's they'rechecking out at the bar. (I was one of those girls a long long time ago....:() And no, I didn't go to the bachelor party. I could tell my bf didn't want me there. I went out for drinks with the girls instead.

spikedpunch
05-20-2009, 04:26 PM
You can't gain confidence overnight, it IS about learning to like yourself, and yes you may have to fake it and yes some girls are lucky and seem to get hit on without ever doing anything at all. But my tips of flirting are smile, try to be relaxed, and be yourself. Those are the big cliches, of course. But you can also look for clues like body language, eye contact, casual contact. How is his body language when talking to you, is it open or closed? Does he lean toward you or away? Don't be afraid to start up conversations, and don't be disappointed if you don't succeed. It's more about actually doing it than being successful.

And Spikedpunch, I think you'll have to give us more details before we can help! ;)

Upon trying to give you more details, I just realized that it's a lost cause. And now I'm going to edit this and take out the details just in case someone who knows me somehow happens to come across it. :P

I've got a 'girls night out' coming up in a month or so... I'll just have to work on faking my confidence and not let myself feel like crap if nobody is interested in me. That's my biggest set back. Usually when I go out, I can fake my confidence pretty well early on in the night, but as the evening wears on and I'm still the only one who hasn't even gotten a look, it fades.

I know confidence isn't going to come with a skinnier body, and I have been working on it, but I guess small amounts of progress are better than nothing, and eventually I'll get to the point where I really do have confidence and a better self image.

miss shelly84
05-20-2009, 05:09 PM
You know what would be a useful course in college?

How to Flirt 101.



lol. Amen to that.

It is very interesting to hear all the points of view going on regarding this issue. I have to agree with you... if I dress in my normal dress (namely, t-shirt and jeans, and Keen sandals) and don't wear make-up then people generally don't notice me too much. However, a little effort goes a long way, I dressed up one day in my blazer and a nice shirt, and I felt really good, and it was apparent in the way I acted. I got several people's attention that night, and it was great! :)

And likewise, I don't really wish to be a sex object either, and be known for little else than being easy to get in bed. I suppose, like with all things, there should be a fair balance.

M

aneleh
05-20-2009, 08:05 PM
I can relate to what a lot of you are saying! I'm seriously the shyest person EVER around new people (unless there's alcohol involved lol). I've even heard quiet a few people say they thought I was quiet because I was arrogant! It really annoys me sometimes when I'm out with some people and they're all being super extroverted and I can't get a word in edgewise. But that is partly because they like the sound of their own voices/ want to fit in with whoever is there, etc. It's MY problem in the end.

I've decided to try to 'fake-it-till-I-make-it', and it's going pretty well. I actually have to say to myself things like: Go talk to the store owner in person instead of calling and asking a question, or Start a conversation with that girl, she seems friendly, or go outside and sit with your neighbors they don't bite, etc.

A lot of what you think people are saying/thinking about you is really in YOUR head! And if it's not, to h*ll with it! Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself if you don't let them.

BellaDiva
05-20-2009, 11:42 PM
I am in the same boat. Ugly Duckling Syndrome. I have ALWAYS been the chunky girl so the good personality developed out of necessity, and it worked. I have friends that I have known since elementary school but I am sick of just having that. And you all know what I am talking about. You know you would get along with someone but it is harder to start something. I know it sounds ridiculously shallow but people are more likely to just randomly start up a conversation if you are physically attractive.

I want a guy to strike up a conversation with me for a change. I'm not so concerned with being hot but just to the point where people will at least notice me. All my skinny friends get so much attention when we all go out. And I know that most of those guys are bar flies and you really wouldn't want to hang out with them it is still nice to think that someone would notice you.

Star2Be
05-21-2009, 01:36 AM
Oh my gosh! So many insightful things have been said on this thread... Sooo many things that I want to reply to; I don't think I'd ever have enough time!! Thanks to everyone for giving me so much food for thought!

Me working up my confidence has been one of the biggest challenges I've had throughout this whole thing... I feel like I WAS chugging along pretty well, feeling cuter and gradually feeling more secure in situations with guys, etc--until I *finally* worked up the courage to ask out this guy that I was totally crazy about, and well, it didn't go over so well. :headache: (I made a thread about it on here, actually, because it was just SUCH a big deal to me--I dunno if any of y'all remember.) But anyways, when I still thought that he was interested in me, that was probably the closest that I have EVER been to feeling like one of "those" girls, and it was truly amazing... For the first time, I felt like I was someone better than myself--someone totally different, who could actually attract another person! However, in the aftermath of having to deal with the fact that he wasn't interested, I felt like the ugliest girl on the entire planet, and to be honest, my self-esteem hasn't quite been the same ever since. I'm rebuilding it, and especially in the past couple weeks or so I feel like I'm getting closer to feeling good about myself again, but it's hard--that whole experience was a really big blow. It was like, I put myself out there and actually DID something that requires confidence, and I felt like I just got kind of "punished" for it. I was proud of myself for having the courage to do it, but overall it just made me feel like the world was reminding me of something that I never should have forgotten--that even if I've lost some weight, I'm still Meredith, and guys still don't like me. :( Ughhh.

Yet we're often our own harshest critic, and the way we see ourselves is very distorted. Meredith and Spikedpunch - you're both extremely cute girls, I hope you know that.
See, but the thing is--I *don't* know that. Sometimes I can kind of trick myself into believing it, but most of the time I don't feel cute at all. I promise you, I am NOT just saying that to fish for compliments... It's just very hard to try to have confidence and see yourself as a physically attractive person when, like me, your whole life has been spent feeling completely irrelevant to the opposite sex.

Meredith, don't feel embarrassed about that. I'm 23 and I've only had one 3 month relationship. First boyfriend, first kiss, first boy "attracted" to me was all at 23 (and like I said, only attracted to me because he was desperate). And you're definitely pretty, so don't doubt that.
Thank you. :) And you're right; I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about it, but I just get paranoid about when I do finally have my first relationship (...if I ever have a relationship... no, I shouldn't say that, but--) and I'll be completely clueless and have to explain to him, "Um, so I've never done ANY of this before..." :o I'll just feel like a lame-o, and like it would put all this unnecessary pressure on him because he'd think that our relationship was way more significant to me than it was to him, and so on... I dunno... I guess it mostly is just irrational paranoia, but those lingering thoughts are still there!!

Spiked punch and Meredith, you're both gorgeous. The guys will fall in line once you guys realize that.
I'm working on it, I'm working on it!! Heh. No, but seriously--thanks. It does kind of help to hear it from people that I feel like I can trust... I'm hoping that eventually all the positive reinforcement will help me to internalize at least SOME of all the kind things people have said to me on here. :^:

I've tried to explain to them that you have to quit worrying about it so much (though deep down inside we all know its there) and just want to have fun... flirt with who you want to flirt with and if they don't like it.... to **** with them! Keep on your merry little way! Laugh at what makes you laugh, etc. Guys ARE attracted to confidence my friends......
God, I just LOVE the sound of that!! *I* want to be like that! Sometimes the naughty Meredith escapes (um, usually when I've had some alcohol ;)) and I do somewhat transform into this bold creature who feels more comfortable having fun and flirting with guys--but once I sober up a bit, I always feel a little embarrassed, like I must've looked like the gross fat chick throwing herself at a guy who was clearly not interested... Like the guy will be waking up the next morning and thinking, "Ugh, I'm so glad I didn't go after that girl..." :o Hmmph. But I'm going to try to keep this in mind the next time I go out (whether there's booze involved or not)--seriously!!

And re: "How to Flirt 101"... One thing I *will* tell you is that when I do find the confidence to talk to a cute boy (i.e. when I've had a few drinks and "bad Meredith" comes out to play), I AM actually pretty darn good at flirting! :D That's something that I just really enjoy... I think it's so funny how much more appreciative I am of little things like that, too--girls who grew up having all the normal experiences are totally accustomed to having the "chance" to talk to guys, so it mean nothing to them... But for me it's like a REALLY big deal! I probably make those guys feel sooo great about themselves because I'm so receptive to the slightest bit of attention, hanging on their every word and all... :rolleyes: Kinda lame of me, yeah, but anything that makes you feel good about yourself can't be too bad, right? :dunno:

Wow, sorry for writing so much, ladies--this whole thread is really just making me THINK a lot!!

Iconised Ghost
05-21-2009, 01:58 AM
Meredith- every time i see your picture i just want to squeeze you, you are just too cute ^______^

amy180
05-21-2009, 06:34 AM
I agree with so much of this. Even when I was thin, I was "one of the guys," so when I gained weight, I was not only one of the guys, I was also the "funny fat sidekick" to my female friends. I know confidence is involved, but I don't see myself as acting totally different from my (skinny, pretty) female friends at bars and parties and things, and yet, they are the ones who get the attention. Part of it is weight, I'm sure. I mean, guys talk to me, I have plenty of guy friends, but it's as though I'm one of the guys. They talk to me like they'd talk to a family member, not like they'd talk to someone they'd want to date. So yeah, I wouldn't mind feeling HAWT, either, sometimes. ^_^

sws19
05-21-2009, 09:35 AM
when i was a sophomore in college i used to go out to the local college bars a lot (actually, i did that all years, who am i kidding?) and i noticed that my self esteem and mood would fluctuate wildly. if a guy flirted me or tried to take me home, it was a good night. i had a great time. if guys only flirted with my friends and didn't really seem to consider me, it was a bad night and i would be depressed the whole night and next couple days. and then one day i realized i was being an idiot. the goal of going out with my friends is going out and being with my friends. the flirting with boys should be extraneous. if it happens, great! if not, who cares? relying on outside sources (ie: guys) for determining whether i have a good time or not and whether i feel good about myself or not is simply a recipe for disaster. i needed to figure out how to find the fun times from somewhere in me and to derive self esteem from something internal. at that point i resolved to change my orientation towards things and no longer make the implied goal of the evening to meet guys. so far this has been a great strategy, but of course it's just that: a strategy. ten years later, i still struggle with this daily, but i'm definitely trying and i hope that's what'll count in the long run.

Star2Be
05-21-2009, 11:32 PM
Heh, thank you Iconised Ghost! If you ever happen to see me in real life--pinch away! :lol:

Thighs Be Gone
05-21-2009, 11:43 PM
Put on a mini skirt and work it then! :lol: Dress up, have fun, and be skanky for a night. It's a-okay. :D


ROFL--I went shopping @ the mall ALL day long today. I got a few things that will definitely qualify as SKANK-ALICIOUS! :carrot:

I am more of an Ann Taylor/Banana Republic kinda gal but variety is the spice of life and I wanted to, "kick it up a notch" like Emeril always says! LOL

RubyGuggenheim
05-22-2009, 02:35 PM
Thank you. :) And you're right; I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about it, but I just get paranoid about when I do finally have my first relationship (...if I ever have a relationship... no, I shouldn't say that, but--) and I'll be completely clueless and have to explain to him, "Um, so I've never done ANY of this before..." :o I'll just feel like a lame-o, and like it would put all this unnecessary pressure on him because he'd think that our relationship was way more significant to me than it was to him, and so on... I dunno... I guess it mostly is just irrational paranoia, but those lingering thoughts are still there!!


If the guy is worth the effort to be in a relationship with, then he'll be understanding about all of it. If he's not understanding, you're too good for him anyway.

I think a lot of what makes specific girls attractive is their willingness to set themselves apart. My longest relationship was with a guy who was a year ahead of me in college and was liked by lots of girls (he was a singer in a band, so he got all the fangirl attention). I was definitely not as pretty as a lot of the girls who wanted him (and I was definitely in the overweight category). But he told me two years into our relationship that when we were sitting next to each other in a class and had barely ever spoken to each other, I had looked over at him and made a clicking noise with my mouth and smiled, and he immediately wanted to kiss me, and couldn't stop thinking about me after that.

I think the best way to get a guys attention is to make eye contact and do something that shows that it wasn't an accident. It shows confidence without coming across as desperate or forward. But that's just what's worked for me in the past.

Blcarter84
05-22-2009, 02:54 PM
Ahh ladies!! the joys of flirting:) its definitely a learned art and that would have been nice if there was a course to take. It really is all about confidence and girl I FAKE THAT SHyt ALL the time!! It helps that I tell myself that I am awesome or something nice every day....I used to always be the one hiding behind everyone else....
BUT not anymore...and I will no longer just settle for a man...he's gonna have to be everything that I want and like.

And I get the compliment(you have such a pretty face) all the time....kind of a double edged sword...but now I just take it as..someone trying to be nice and give me a compliment...and I say thank you

freedomreins
05-22-2009, 05:18 PM
Star2Be: I can say from experience - I DID have that conversation with my boyfriend. As soon as I kissed him the first time, I blurted out "I've never done that before!" and he just thought it was funny and cute that I was so ridiculously nervous (I was physically shaking). If he's someone worth your time, he'll be willing to go slowly and he'll be understanding. We've hit that obstacle a few other times in our relationship and he's been wonderful about it, he's never pressured me for anything at all and let me take my time getting comfortable with myself and with him. When you find someone you hit it off with, don't feel like you have to know exactly what you're doing - the only way to learn is by experience and any decent guy will be willing to let you earn some with him at whatever pace is reasonable for you. :)

Star2Be
05-23-2009, 12:41 PM
RubyGuggenheim and freedomreins - Thanks for the reassurance! Y'know, I think deep down I sort of *know* that if the guy is worth my time, he's not going to ridicule me just because I'm inexperienced... I guess all the years of obesity/getting made fun of/etc have just instilled me with the paranoia of "everyone's laughing at me!" That's something I need to get over--I mean, isn't it a little irrational to think that a guy who is interested in me and likes me enough to want to date me or something would suddenly turn into a jerk and stop liking me just because of something like that?! Like freedomreins said, he'll probably just think it's cute and be excited to have the chance to "teach" me, hehe! ;)

Ahhh, 3FC... Helping me to quash all of my insecurities, one by one! :dizzy:

SavingServo
05-23-2009, 01:10 PM
Oh flirting, and boys, and all that stuff. Being the "hot one" is totally a state of mind, that much I have figured out. Although having lost a little weight is very helpful in the "state of mind" department. ;)
My problem is that I can't ever bring myself to make any sort of move, even when a guy has made it clear he's interested. I'm super shy when it comes right down to it. And at the very bottom of it is the fact that I still have a hard time believing that someone would actually be interested in me. But when I'm drinking or rolling... watch out, I get guys all over me because that stupid insecurity goes away and it just sort of becomes "duh, I'm hot."
I have a boyfriend now, who's wonderful, but he told me the first few times we went out he really wanted to kiss me, but I just wouldn't stop talking. :o And here I thought I was avoiding awkward silences.
You'd think by 22 I'd have some of these things figured out. But I'm getting better, so that's something. Getting over shyness is HARD, but totally worth doing.