20-Somethings - Fiance's mother commented on my weight gain




DCchick
05-09-2009, 04:44 PM
I am SO upset right now. I gained back 50lbs in the last nine months or so. OK I GET IT I GAINED WEIGHT! Do people think I DONT realize it?! And of course it was right after lunch sitting there with my fiance. She was trying to be nice and say that she and I should be weight loss buddies etc etc and started by saying 'I dont mean to offend you but...I've noticed youve gained weight". Ok #1 anything that starts with 'No offense...' is offensive and you shouldnt say it. and #2 you DEFNITELY shouldnt say it IN FRONT OF OTHE PEOPLE! ugh i just couldnt wait for her to leave. i HATE it when people talk about my weight. I KNOW i've gained it back. I KNOW i dont look good right now. I"M TRYING to lose weight. This is not what I needed right now.


PinkyPie
05-09-2009, 04:57 PM
oh sweetie, I'm so sorry this happened to you *hugs*

I know it hurts right now and that is so understandable! I don't think she meant for you to be upset, she just wasn't thinking the same way you would think about it! It hurts because you already know and you already most likely feel bad about it so for someone else to say it, in front of your fiancé really stings!

When you are ready, try to switch your mindset just a little and think about the fact that she probably just wants to help you. And remember that WE are here for you and will help you through this and get you on track again!

Shannon1983
05-09-2009, 05:09 PM
I am so sorry this happened to you...
Before we stopped talking to my husbands real mom i had our first son. He was 8 weeks old and do you know what she got me for easter???

SLIM FAST BARS AND SLIM FAST MILK SHAKES.. I totally understand what you are going through... I would tell them "no offense but you need to learn to mind your own business"

That is what i had to say.. and oh my they dont talk to us anymore.. imagine that.. oh well that was 5 years ago..

Again i am sorry for what she said to you..


DCchick
05-09-2009, 05:11 PM
thank you. i actually cried when i read your post. it's just so hard. i'm trying, i'll keep trying, but i dont need constant reminders from people that i've gained weight. i can see my friends and family checking me out and looking me up and down when i see them. I know what I look like now. i was overweight before so obviously 50lbs on top of that is noticeable. None of my clothes fit, i dont feel good but i still dont need the added stress of being embarassed in public.

DCchick
05-09-2009, 05:16 PM
I am so sorry this happened to you...
Before we stopped talking to my husbands real mom i had our first son. He was 8 weeks old and do you know what she got me for easter???

SLIM FAST BARS AND SLIM FAST MILK SHAKES.. I totally understand what you are going through... I would tell them "no offense but you need to learn to mind your own business"

That is what i had to say.. and oh my they dont talk to us anymore.. imagine that.. oh well that was 5 years ago..

Again i am sorry for what she said to you..

thanks, and that SUCKS that something like that happend to you too! I get that it's 'good intentions' but honestly, people are smart enough (or should be) to know that if 'good intentions' are going to embarass someone or make them feel bad about themselves, then they are not really 'good'. i just dont find comments or jestures like that helpful at all. I mean come on, anyone who is overweight KNOW IT. they dont need to be reminded and it's absolutely not anyone else's place to give me unsolicited advice or help. i'm not trying to be mean about it, but if i need help losing weight, i'll ask for it. but it wont be in front of other people after lunch.

aneleh
05-09-2009, 05:16 PM
I know you feel upset about it, but maybe she is genuinely concerned about you and is trying to help? Offering to be a weight loss buddy is actually a really nice gesture, instead of saying 'you need to lose weight', it's 'WE can do this together'.

DCchick
05-09-2009, 05:26 PM
I know you feel upset about it, but maybe she is genuinely concerned about you and is trying to help? Offering to be a weight loss buddy is actually a really nice gesture, instead of saying 'you need to lose weight', it's 'WE can do this together'.


i understand that she was trying to be nice. but i just dont think people should offer weight loss help to someone who never talks about their weight publicly and never ask for help. it would be different if i talked about wanting to lose weight, and complained about my weight, etc. But I dont. I NEVER talk about my weight in person to ANYONE. i'm very insecure and private about it. i get that she was trying to be helpful, but I didnt ask for help. And there was no reason for her to bring it up as topic for group discussion. She's a very nice woman, I'm just upset because I thought it was out of line and a little too personal for her to talk to me about in front of others (or even at all). And obviously she knew it would possibly upset me or she wouldnt have said 'i dont mean to offend you but...'

stellarosa27
05-09-2009, 06:15 PM
I'm so sorry. She had no right to say that to you, especially if you are very private about your weightloss. To offer help is one thing, but to offer unsolicited help is just rude.

Windchime
05-09-2009, 06:37 PM
'I dont mean to offend you but...I've noticed youve gained weight". Ok #1 anything that starts with 'No offense...' is offensive and you shouldnt say it.

Truer words were never spoken! If people say "No offense, but...." you can be sure that something is offensive is going to follow. It's like people who think they can cancel out hurtful things by saying, "I was just kidding, jeez. Don't be so sensitive".

Like everyone else (and like you), I'm guessing that she was meaning to be helpful but yeah, she definitely handled that wrong. I don't know why people think that those of use who are overweight somehow don't already KNOW it.

I'm sorry that you're upset. I would be, too. Hopefully after the sting is gone you can just go forward and not feel too bad about what she said, realizing that it came from a place of love.

Here's a story: I used to work with this lady named Sally years and years ago. We were both slim then. A few years ago, she turned up working at the local mini-mart. We would exchange a friendly word now and then, but nothing too deep. We barely knew each other. One day, as I was buying my diet Coke, she says, "Boy, you've really put on a lot of weight." I stared at her, because I could barely believe she said that. I finally said something like, "Gee, thanks". She says, "I didn't mean it in a bad way." I left, but I was thinking.....how could that be taken as anything other than a cruel, cutting comment from one near-stranger to another? It was bizzare. I didn't go back to that mini mart for a long time. What a b****.

kiramira
05-09-2009, 06:41 PM
My heart is breaking for you...regardless of the intention, those remarks are hurtful and embarrassing. And it was something she clearly HAD to say even though she knew it would be unwelcome.
Not much else to say except
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Kira

LookingForMeAgain
05-09-2009, 06:41 PM
Oh I feel ya!

Engaged and was about 220lbs:
My future father in law says if my son isnt careful hes gonna wind up like that boy up the road. He wound up with 300lbs of Rice.
I look at him like huh? He said that girl he married her last name was Rice.

The other day:
My mother in law says to my 2 year old "Your mommy REALLY needs to go on the biggest loser"

Thanksgiving at MY parents house my mother in law tells my dad " Had you made the girls run up and down that hill every day they wouldnt be soooo fat
"

My husbands grandpa use to make all sorts of comments too.


Just letting you know it wont stop and atleast she didnt mean it in a hurtful way. People dont think before they speak.

paperSkin
05-09-2009, 07:03 PM
...

beerab
05-09-2009, 07:14 PM
I'm sorry about that- some people don't realize how sensitive the issue is.

Daimere
05-09-2009, 08:12 PM
I am so sorry. I would have died if that had happened to me. I have felt so bad the last year since I fell off plan and gained half my weight back. I went from fantastic self esteem to worse than I had before I lost weight because I know what I'm missing and hate that the new clothes look bad.

MugCanDoIt
05-09-2009, 08:19 PM
I seriousley think it depends upon how a person was raised as to how they treat others about their weight. So thats where I feel we need to step up and say to them that its not acceptable to say things like that to people. Some just dont realize how much rude and ignorant comments can affect someone...so we need to tell them! "Hey, wake up, thats down right rude to say to another person, regardless of if you meant to help me".:nono:

I know that would be easier said than done, if it happened to me, which it has by mother in law before.....and I didnt say anything:dz:

DCchick
05-10-2009, 12:09 AM
thank you thank you thank you all SO much for all of your kind words. It feels so great to be able to explain myself and hear back from people who understand! Really, it's amazing. Know that youve all done something to really make someone feel better today (me!).

I took a nap for a bit while my fiance was taking her home. When he came back he gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. Soooo, I got up, got dressed and went running/walking (did Day One of Couch to 5K)I felt better, but still not great.

It's not so much just the comment, but just what it represented. I gained 50lbs back, I know it, and even though I knew it before, I had to hear that everyone else can tell too. It just made me think about what all my other friends/family are thinking too. It would have been embarassing if she had offered to be weightloss buddies etc in public to me, but i would have gotten over it easily, but it was the fact that she had to add on the whole 'no offense, but i've noticed youve gained alot of weight' I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard to not feel so helpless and angry about how I threw away all of my weight loss. It was hardwork and I felt great but I took it for granted and now I have to start all over again.

Anyway, THANK YOU

jahjah1223
05-10-2009, 12:43 AM
grrrrrrr my mother in law PISSES me off aswell everyone says i look great after losing 30 or so pounds but all she says is " you should lose at least 10 more" Honestly ive just learned to ignore her.

brooksrm
05-10-2009, 03:29 AM
What gets me is you are absolutely right. People who are overweight KNOW IT, and more acutely than any outside observer could possibly fathom. Maybe they are trying to be helpful, maybe they're just ignorant because they haven't been there or felt that, but regardless, they are still rubbing salt in the wound. I'm so sorry this happened to you. The really sad part is that this is so common, partly because people have the "I want to help" mindset, or because they're ignorant, or because they're just don't have a filter between their brain and their mouths.

My mother is the same way, and what's worse is after 50 years of being overweight, she is now skinny (due to eating like a bird and not controlling her medical issues) and just as thoughtless. Tells me she hates to see me eat the junk food (that she stocks the house with, dagnabbit!) after I've lost so much weight, and points out to my dad every day that he needs to work on his weight. Now, Mom's confided in me that she hears Dad step on the scale every morning before he gets cleaned up for work, so she has to know this is a sensitive issue for him, and yet she still lets loose with the comments and doesn't do a darned thing to stock the house with good-for-you stuff and no bad-for-you-stuff. So, maybe if you can figure out what's wrong with the people who have BEEN THERE and still do that to others, maybe the mother in law won't seem as bad.

newleaf123
05-10-2009, 08:30 AM
I am so sorry that your MIL-2-be hurt your feelings... But I did want to offer some words of encouragement that maybe your relationship won't always be this way??? My DH and I still remember the time my MIL-2-be blew up at me at the supermarket while I was choosing lettuce, that somehow it was a sign that nothing was ever good enough for me???

Fortunately, 20 years later, DH&I can laugh about it and, although it truly took many years, I now have a fabulous relationship with my MIL. Sometimes people just don't "get" where the other person is coming from - either due to age differences, income differences, educational differencees, regional differences, social preferences, etc - and unintentionally do harm (although I agree - starting with I don't mean to offend you means she knew what was coming).

So, give your MIL-2B a few more chances; it's (hopefully) going to be a lifelong relationship. You're (probably) still in the "getting to know you" years...

ShutterK
05-10-2009, 12:30 PM
Wow, that lady has some nerve! Part of me thinks she DIDN'T mean it in an offensive way since she suggested being weight-loss buddies, but still. In front of people? Sheesh, sorry!

Lizzyg
05-10-2009, 01:23 PM
i understand that she was trying to be nice. but i just dont think people should offer weight loss help to someone who never talks about their weight publicly and never ask for help. it would be different if i talked about wanting to lose weight, and complained about my weight, etc. But I dont. I NEVER talk about my weight in person to ANYONE. i'm very insecure and private about it. i get that she was trying to be helpful, but I didnt ask for help. And there was no reason for her to bring it up as topic for group discussion. She's a very nice woman, I'm just upset because I thought it was out of line and a little too personal for her to talk to me about in front of others (or even at all). And obviously she knew it would possibly upset me or she wouldnt have said 'i dont mean to offend you but...'

I agree with you, especially the part in bold. Commenting on someone's weight gain, is always hurtful, and unneeded, IMO. You know you gained weight, her commenting on it isnt going to change that.

I'm sorry that she hurt you. :hug:

KEmery08
05-10-2009, 05:10 PM
Her comment wouldn't have been so offensive had she spoken to you privately about the idea in private. But being sensitive about weight is a normal thing & it's not really something I would want to share with my husband/fiance/boyfriend/etc. To me, it's just one of those things you shouldn't have to deal with in front of EVERYONE.

I'm sorry she hurt you so badly. Unfortunately, she probably won't stop ...

newself09
05-10-2009, 09:56 PM
Aww I'm sorry that happened to you. A very similar thing happened to me and I cried and cried I was so hurt/embarrassed. I gained 50 pounds the year I was engaged to my husband. He came home one day after visiting his parents and said that his dad (my future FIL) had told him that he noticed I had gained a lot of weight and that he should tell me to stop eating so much, etc. I was MORTIFIED and avoided him for weeks. UGH!

bargoo
05-10-2009, 10:28 PM
Unfortunately this may only be the beginning with your future MIL. I wouldn't expect her to change and suddenly become tactful. I believe she is probably a controlling person and believes SHE knows best and has the rest to tell others how they should live.

elle w 19
05-11-2009, 04:29 AM
Not that it's right, but a lot of older people think it's acceptable to talk about things like that. They grew up in a different time when people weren't so PC.

I lived with my grandma for 4 years while in college and my god did she love to discuss the my weekly gains or losses. She would even go so far as to tap my belly saying "you're getting your belly back."

You will be much better off (less angry, less apt to emotionally eat as a result, and more happy in general) if you realize that it's not necessarily as much of an attack as you first perceived it to be.

We are all our harshest critics and I know that I often project my own self-loathing into the comments of others, so that I perceive their innocent gestures of sympathy, compassion, or help as mean-spirited, conniving, unhelpful comments.

You are absolutely warranted in your initial feelings of being upset, but you might want to reconsider all the circumstances surrounding it--her upbringing and what you're projecting on the situation due to your own displeasure with yourself.

I hope this helps to give you another perspective. I only offer it as another way to look at something, not to infer that what you initially thought was wrong--trust me, I've totally been there. Best to you and your upcoming wedding! How exciting!!

Annita
05-11-2009, 08:49 AM
my bf is very skinny.
there was once me and his mother got into a HUGE fight - and she said that I am fat and her son is skinny so I don't know how to fed him and like I ate all of his food................
You know, that really offended me - extremely !!!
her son was never a big boy even under her care, why she pressed that on me. I did my best to get him to eat properly, BUT HE"S NOT THE TYPE OF BIG GUY - he will always be skinny. I can only make him healthier by get him to eat enough. I even do more works than her by force him to eat. I give my food to him because he would never eat on time. What the h3ll >"< And she told me that I ate all of his food and that's why he's so skinny. !!! DAMN it!

I'm sorry you're going through this. At least your future MIL is still seem nice by offering weightloss buddy. Try to think positive i guess.

DCchick
05-11-2009, 10:20 AM
Thanks again everyone! It's actually really nice reading everyone's stories about similar situations. So sorry that people had to go through it, but it's nice to read them!

She's a nice woman, she means no harm, she just doesnt have a clue about being discreet or socially appropriate. She didnt raise my fiance, his grandmother did, and I think now she feels like she needs to 'parent'. And she really has no idea how to do that. She likes to tell him how he should eat to be healthy, etc etc. We brush it off b/c she really doesnt know anything about nutrition and she's just regurgitating things she's seen on 'The Biggest Loser' or the nightly news. He's incredibly in shape. His eating is not that clean, but he works out 5x week and balances what he eats.

It was just so awkward when she brougt this up to me b/c it was like she had practiced it or like it was a script from a book she read about 'interventions for people who are fat'. it was reaaaaly awkward.

beerab
05-11-2009, 01:04 PM
there was once me and his mother got into a HUGE fight - and she said that I am fat and her son is skinny so I don't know how to fed him and like I ate all of his food................

OMG!!! *dies*

Tell me you said something to this woman if not decked her right there on the spot lol! If my MIL said that to me I'd NEVER speak to her again!

Annita
05-11-2009, 02:14 PM
OMG!!! *dies*

Tell me you said something to this woman if not decked her right there on the spot lol! If my MIL said that to me I'd NEVER speak to her again!

lol you bet I did. And i was actually almost can't hold myself and slap her but my bf kept me out of that cuz he didn't want the situation to get worst. :dizzy: But yeah, after that, the relationship between his mother and me is very awkward. Obviously she's been keeping her distance with me (cause she knows very well I can be a tiger - not always a cat). :o And I have no complains about that, at all :devil:

Soon2BFitChick
05-11-2009, 02:46 PM
Let me say this first. I'm really sorry she did that. It most likely will always be that way with her so put on your armor. I have learned after being naive and thinking MILs were like everyone else that they are not. They are normal to everyone except the DILs. However, they can dish out the same type rudeness to others. Most of the time they don't though. Many MILs are jealous. Of anything you have or do better than they do, jealous that we are young while they aren't anymore, jealous of any self esteem we have, jealous most about the fact that their child wants to be with us more than with her.

I've grown to realize this. My mom is sweet to my brother's gf but I see it in her face when she talks about them going somewhere or whatever. She misses all her kids. My MIL has given my sis in laws **** for 36 years now and me for 14 of them. Has her days where she is 'normal' but most of the time she must be center of attention and must have the last word and must put everyone else down.

Good for her. But people see how she is and avoid her. What kind of life is that? I bet all of you who have MILs like that know that others get what they dish out too. Not just you. The type of people they are, negative or whatever, goes out to others too. Just that esp. if weight is an issue for THEM then they have to point out yours too. I finally told mine she has no right to talk to me about my food or my children. She doesn't want us having more kids and didn't want the ones we have. I couldn't care less. I told her That's ok, we are happy enough for everyone! when our son came along. She is a miserably unhappy person and nothing we or anyone else has tried has helped. Most days she is rude and chooses to say hateful things. That is just how she is. I saw it before I married him. And if we lived near her, we would be divorced. Luckily we only see her on holidays usually. And mostly dread those.

Sad too because I tried so much to engage her in normal conversations, to try and be a friend to her. I made her a big quilt for her bed, bought her thoughtful gifts for her birthdays, sent her nice emails (not all in one day, but over time) and nothing matters. My sis in laws say there is nothing anyone can do. She changes the rules to fit her all the time. It's all about her and that's all. So we usually have to avoid her or we all get in a bad mood.

Just sad if you ask me. Life can be so wonderful if you will only notice how lucky you are, what you have been given. There is ALWAYS someone who is MUCH worse off than you. I count my blessings. It reminds me that So what? I have some weight to lose. Other people do too but many of them have health issues which make it harder. I have low blood pressure, no diabetes, just a low thyroid which I take meds for now. My dad has all that and more and his feet are so swollen he can't walk but barely. He needs to lose too. But can't even go walking. I count the fact I can walk as a blessing.

Don't let anyone take any of your power away. I don't care WHO they are. Stay away from negative people as much as possible, watch funny romantic comedies while you wash dishes (I do. :), play outside on the swings, blow bubbles out of your car window when you are sitting in traffic, get extra sleep at LEAST once a week, if not more, plan a weekend of fun next month, make things to look forward to, put them on your calendar. It helps me so much because when things are upsetting and life seems dark, I remember I only have 11 days til I get to go to San Antonio to Sea World with dh and the kids!!! I haven't ever been and my dh says it's wayyy better now than before.

Good luck in all that you do. Sorry for the length of this manuscript! LOL! :soap: I'll step down off the soapbox now. :D

Hugs! Selina :hug:

paperSkin
05-11-2009, 05:05 PM
Selina, you are awesome.. what a great attitude..

willow650
05-11-2009, 05:50 PM
I am SO upset right now. I gained back 50lbs in the last nine months or so. OK I GET IT I GAINED WEIGHT! Do people think I DONT realize it?! And of course it was right after lunch sitting there with my fiance. She was trying to be nice and say that she and I should be weight loss buddies etc etc and started by saying 'I dont mean to offend you but...I've noticed youve gained weight".

I would have said "OMG are you serious? WHERE!?!?" while looking around myself trying to find it.

Tryingtostayskinny
05-11-2009, 05:59 PM
Grrr!! I had an (ex) Monster In Law who commented on my weight.... I had lost about 80 pounds (before she met me) and at the time was about 25 pounds overweight.

She was type A, couldn't maintain a relationship, over critical of EVERYONE and thin. She was such an evil woman.... (Thanks for letting me vent)

That aside... As someone who has gained 15 pounds back since last year, I can understand how you might be feeling! Everyday it sucks when my pants don't fit!!!! I am FRUSTRATED like you!! I don't need anyone pointing the gain out to me, it would make me feel even worse!!

I feel comments like hers should only come from a Doctor UNLESS you ask for an opinion!! I would never say anything to someone because I know what it's like to feel self conscious about weight!!

Trying to hang in there and not let this detract from your success! Please remember you need to lose weight for you NOT anyone else!!

beautifulmess
05-11-2009, 06:11 PM
Just ignore her. I'm very much familiar with this (well it wasn't a mother in law but someone else) it makes you feel like dirt in that moment but just remember how awesome you'll feel later on when you work out and shove it in her face that you are doing something to lose weight! some people can be cold. Hang in there! as will I.

Findmyself
05-11-2009, 07:24 PM
I would have said "OMG are you serious? WHERE!?!?" while looking around myself trying to find it.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

That is REALLY funny!! I need to remember that one. :)

ShutterK
05-11-2009, 07:51 PM
I would have said "OMG are you serious? WHERE!?!?" while looking around myself trying to find it.

:rofl: