General chatter - Boyfriend drama - advice?




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Starrynight
04-29-2009, 03:12 AM
edit, its all good =]


ringmaster
04-29-2009, 04:32 AM
hmmm... have you ever visited the enotalone.com site? They are pretty good with relationship advice.. It's good you are asking for advice before just jumping in asking him about the emails though.


If things have been good the past couple of years, you need to think more if you really want to dig into something from the past. It does sound suspicious with the e-mails, would you really want to know the truth? Is it going to effect how you feel now if you knew he was doing things behind your back in the beginning? He might lie to you and say nothing went on just to avoid any conflict now. If it wouldn't bother you either way or effect your feelings, maybe it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Starrynight
04-29-2009, 04:44 AM
hmmm... have you ever visited the enotalone.com site? They are pretty good with relationship advice.. It's good you are asking for advice before just jumping in asking him about the emails though.


If things have been good the past couple of years, you need to think more if you really want to dig into something from the past. It does sound suspicious with the e-mails, would you really want to know the truth? Is it going to effect how you feel now if you knew he was doing things behind your back in the beginning? He might lie to you and say nothing went on just to avoid any conflict now. If it wouldn't bother you either way or effect your feelings, maybe it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Yeah I mean.. I'm a forgiving person, and given that we're in a good place right now, I would be willing to forgive, but if I let this stay with me it might just poison what we have. I don't want to sneak around.. if I wanted to, I could e-mail the girl he was talking to.. but I'd rather ask him. It's like crossing during a yellow light.. I can't stop now.. I've got to keep going ahead. It's just where its headed that im worried about. I have to figure out when and how to ask about it.
Anyway, thanks for reading, I have to clear my head.. I think I'll try that site. I can't sleep next to him right now but it isn't a good time to ask him about it either.


PrincessLJ
04-29-2009, 05:37 AM
you need to talk to him, if he had something to hide surely he wouldnt have given you his password! You are definately right to ask him! If you say you trust him then just ask him out right.

luvmy3
04-29-2009, 08:01 AM
I think I would talk to him and just tell him how you truly feel.The past is over.Maybe you were secure at the time but he wasn't.You were both young and have stuck by each other so let him know that you just need to know the truth but don't hold it against him.If you wouldn't have read that how would you feel about him?Sometimes what you don't know won't hurt you!!!

MindiV
04-29-2009, 08:55 AM
I've been in a similar situation...found some e-mails I thought were incriminating while snooping. I didn't talk to him, though, and we eventually broke up. He never knew what was wrong with me, but my attitude toward him changed. It was always in my head that maybe he HAD cheated, and maybe he was still doing it every time he left to go somewhere on his own or with friends.

If you're like me, you're thinking that he GAVE you the password, so he obviously wouldn't have left anything incriminating in there right, so it must be innocent? And at the same time, I'd be thinking...but MAYBE he forgot to delete the SENT folder!

It's good that you can forgive, but the things you saw will be hard to forget, and that's the big thing. Since you saw them, you've gotta talk to him.

It's just best to get to the bottom of it.

WormwoodDoll
04-29-2009, 09:19 AM
My ex use to give me his passwords all the time (his myspace/email/etc). I found various things on there. Eventually he learned to delete messages from his MySpace inbox, but he didn't realize how to delete his trash. Then he went onto using his email. He even gave me the password to a website he used aim for at work that logged his conversations. I FOUND ALL SORTS OF FUN THERE.

Needless to say, we aren't together. He was constantly trying to leave me and cheat on me with all this women. First it was girls he knew, then he moved on to girls he'd meet online.

Just because they give you their passwords doesn't mean they're innocent. I guess they figure we won't check.

Thighs Be Gone
04-29-2009, 09:29 AM
It has been a while since I was 20. Thank GOD when I was that age we didn't have technology! Sharing passwords--well it is kind of pointless. Someone can have an account you don't know about through yahoo or aol or whatever. You are very young and seem very sweet. Maybe you need some time alone to think about what you want to do.

I do not think that mistakes in the past need to mean the END of a (relatively) good thing. One of my closest friends in college was very promiscuous--she slept with nearly an entire frat house! She ended up marrying one of those guys--and I never thought it would work. I was so wrong. They are strong Christians with a strong family and are doing very well in every respect.

I have had to learn the hard way that in life, Sxxx happens! The real test is NOT whether or not you can stick out a PERFECT relationship....The REAL test is whether or not you can get through a storm together and come out holding hands and smiling.

GradPhase
04-29-2009, 09:31 AM
I don't really believe "What you don't know won't hurt you". In this case, it IS hurting, and you may only have half the story. If you love him, he at least deserves a chance at explaining himself and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

However - I would absolutely be shattered if my guy had that kind of "stuff" he was hiding. And especially finding out the foundations of our relationship were so one-sided. Granted, people change, and relationships change - and this may be a good stepping stone for that change...... but I would definitely, definitely, definitely be upset. Especially after the pictures, and the weird response, and then more pictures a month later after being with you over a year!!!

You are worth more than that, and you deserve better than that. I'd tell him about it, give him a chance to reply - and make it abundantly clear that he's starting from zero with your trust, and he has to work double time to EARN that trust back.

Man oh man oh man. I am so sorry for your heart, and for this situation! Update us and let us know how you are - and what you decide to do :)

Glory87
04-29-2009, 10:26 AM
I'm a firm believer that snoopers never find anything they want to find. Don't share passwords, that's just weird (to me). He shouldn't have snooped on you, you shouldn't have snooped on him.

Talk to him.

Shannon in ATL
04-29-2009, 10:44 AM
I'm a firm believer that snoopers never find anything they want to find. Don't share passwords, that's just weird (to me). He shouldn't have snooped on you, you shouldn't have snooped on him.

Talk to him.

I'm with Glory. I have a big objection to snooping around. Even when I was married to a cheater I didn't read his emails. It just isn't right. Things will come out whether you guys sift through each others email or not.

Talk to him about it - sounds like the things you found are in the past, see what is happening now.

Good luck.

Starrynight
04-29-2009, 11:50 AM
Thanks for all the responses!
Yeah I really dislike the snooping too. I'm not usually like that...
It's tough.. he's at work right now, and I've got to work on a paper, but yeah I've decided to talk to him tonight. It's better to find out the truth than let it drive me crazy. MindiV, yeah I don't want to end up like that, it would be like poison.. also, he gave me the password when he was drunk. It's funny the things that come out when a person has been drinking.. he's the type of person where alcohol becomes a "truth serum".
Honestly, we've got a great thing going right now so I don't think it would be worth breaking up with him over, but I still need to know. He came back for a second during lunch to bring me food and it almost feels like a dream about what I read.
The worst thing about it is now I'm wondering whether I was just a secondary girl to him, a security blanket.. a month or so after the email was dated for that one girl, he went through a lot of stuff that I was there for him for. Now I'm wondering if he hadn't taken a year off and things were going well for him, if he would have still kept it up? I know "what if's" are bad and that's why I need to know from him.
We've always tried to keep things equal but it's always been kinda him loving me more. I love him immensely but it was always him slightly more, but after reading those, I have serious doubts. I feel like a fool- if he had been partying and hooking up with girls that whole summer, all the while telling me he loved me... and then still looking for another girl online, then it kind of restructures everything I thought about him. What I know him for today is different and I know that, but it still casts serious doubts in my mind about our whole relationship and if there are other instances where he's lied to me. I mean, the e-mails I found were AFTER he deleted most of them... ugh. I could forgive him if say, he was still kinda hung up over his ex and tried to make her feel jealous or something (although in that situation, why not just say that you're in a relationship?), and I he did tell me that he was "catching up" with her during the time, but the girl afterwards bothers me a lot. It's one thing to maybe have still been hung up over an ex, its another thing to be LOOKING for someone else while still being with me.


I'm going to talk to him tonight. I think we can get through this... but I have to take it a step at a time.
Anyway, thank you girls for listening! I'm going to get to the bottom of this and I'll keep you guys updated :)

Amy8888
04-29-2009, 12:02 PM
I'm a firm believer that snoopers never find anything they want to find. Don't share passwords, that's just weird (to me). He shouldn't have snooped on you, you shouldn't have snooped on him.


Yes. I'm very, ahem, curious by nature but after finding out some stuff a few times (in my younger years) that pissed me off I have learned my lesson. You find this information and it pisses you off and what can you do with it?

And I just don't get it when people share their email account information. DH and I never have, it's never been an issue. If someone asked for mine and I refused, and they accused me of hiding something, I would have to think twice about their trust issues.

GradPhase
04-30-2009, 01:45 PM
Well it's good you got it all sorted, Starry :)