Weight Loss Support - How do i help hubby in a positive way?




Photogirl101
04-28-2009, 09:47 AM
I'm not overweight but i am currently trying to get back to eating healthier and exercising. i'd like to lose about 10 pounds in the process. So i've taken small steps....been baking or grilling all my food...nothing fried. I try to add veggies. I'm trying REALLY hard to not drink sodas or chocolate (both are my addictions). Been drinking water, crystal light, and sweet tea. Yea it's sweet tea but one problem at a time. LOL! I exercise in the mornings.

But this thread is more about my husband. We just got married in January and he's the biggest he's ever been. At first i liked the fact that he was bigger...he's a stocky guy. But then he started gaining weight in the stomach. He's about 6ft and 230 pounds so he's considered overweight. I don't really want him to lose too much weight....maybe get down to 200 or 210. But i'm not sure how to tell him in a nice way. He mentions his weight sometimes (how he needs to lose weight) but then he also tells me that fat boys have to eat. I tell him i love him no matter what. But i also tell him it wouldn't hurt for him to lose a few pounds....that it would make him healthier and feel better. But he eats chocolate chip cookies and whole milk before bed most every night and no exercise. He don't know it but i watered down his whole milk the other day and he hasn't even noticed...he's totally against drinking 2% milk. He says its too much like water. I figured this is sneaky but it might be the only way to show him that a gradual step down isn't that bad. Is there anything else i can do? I thought about seeing if he'll walk with me in the afternoons...i just got to find time. I work out in the mornings cause i seldom have time in the afternoons. I was hoping with me exercising in the mornings he might get motivated but....not yet. And i'm trying to cook better foods as mentioned above. Any advice?


QuilterInVA
04-28-2009, 09:59 AM
The best way to help your husband is keep quiet, prepare healthy meals, and let him decide for himself when it is time to lose weight. No one can make the decision for someone else and there is no point in hurting him by bringing it up more than once. If you actually put water in his milk, shame on you. You robbed him of nutrition or did you buy 2% milk. The difference is part of the fat is removed.

Shannon1983
04-28-2009, 10:06 AM
Is your Husband very active?? I ask that because my hubby is 6'1" and he weights 280 pounds. but his BMI is only at 28.35.(for his weight and height they say it should be like 45.71.) He is a tree climber and he is very active and fit to a point. he has to be because he climbs trees free handed all day long. He burns up so many calories a day that when he gets home he eats and eats and eats..

If he is not complaining about his weight i would let him alone.. Cook healthier meals and so on. If he is like my hubby he wont even notice that you are cooking better for him. He will just smile and eat it..LOL

Good luck with everything and I hope you lose what you want as well in this process.
Take care.


chickiegirl
04-28-2009, 10:07 AM
I agree that you shouldn't push too much. But I think you can encourage in small ways.

Making healthier meals for the both of you (do you really need to tell him if you switch to say, lean ground beef instead of medium?) and asking him to go and walk with you, even if just for 20 or 30 minutes would be good.

My boyfriend and I have been on "health kicks" at different times and (at least for me) it can be hard to sit there and watch your other half being active and healthy and you not doing anything. So just creating that environment may have an impact too.

And the last thing is, who controls the grocery shopping in the house? I'm not suggesting you not buy what he wants, but maybe there is some modifications you can do? Can you avoid that second bag of chips or find a healthier cookie alternative? Maybe find a lower fat sweet treat he might like?

It will take time. But I would try small things slowly and see if they have an impact before really making things an issue. Good luck.

Jacquie668
04-28-2009, 10:09 AM
I think being open and honest about how you feel is key here. You can't make someone loose weight, they have to decide that for themselves. However, you can be supportive and talk about your feelings and worries, but do not nag. Nagging a man = stubborn behavior. You also can prepare healthier foods. Why not a healthier cookie before bed? I mean lower in fat doesn't always mean bland and pointless.

Small changes can make a huge difference in the long run. I think you're on the right track though! :D

Lori Bell
04-28-2009, 10:10 AM
I had a boyfriend once who LOVED me "chubby". I was "Chubby" when we started dating he didn't seem to mind one bit. ;) Then all of a sudden a few months into the relationship he started trying to change me. Nagging me about my weight. At the time I wasn't ready for "Him" to change me. I dumped him like a hot potato.

Lets see, if I were you, I'd work on yourself and let him follow when he is ready. There is no better way to end a relationship than trying to change someone who you excepted "as is" previously.

bitetoobreakkskin
04-28-2009, 10:13 AM
well my husband is in the same boat-and for me, i just kept quiet and changed my eating/drinking habits-and he has followed-he now tells me "we dont need this or that" if it isnt good for us-i think your husband will come around if he is really concerned about his weight-i say focus on YOU :)

frustrated mom
04-28-2009, 11:01 AM
I have been in your position, and I don't agree with everyone else about keeping quiet and changing only yourself, and he will follow. My husband is 5' 10" and weighs 160lbs. I only wanted to lose 12 lbs to get back to 135. I could stay at the weight I am and not be unhealthy, but I have always had times where I go into a exercise habit, and then quit, and then get back into it- the same goes with my eating, I go into a healthier eating habit, and then go back to eating the pan of brownies, and then go back to eating healthier. We now have been both counting our calories - this is week #4, and he has lost 10 lbs, and I have lost 5 lbs. I was very frustrated with him because I saw him just eat anything and everything whenever, and he even told me that after I go to bed he would raid the cupboards, even though he wasn't hungry, he would still eat. He started getting a huge gut, and I know that isn't healthy for him. So, I always would get on him in the mornings, and ask him why did you eat that? Then I started saying things like- you want to live a long life and be around for the kids, don't you? I would give suggestions on what was a healthier choice to eat. I finally just came to him one morning and said that I think we should start counting our calories TOGETHER, and then I told him that I would find out how many he should be eating in a day, and how many I should be eating in a day, and then we just started, and now he will even say that has too many calories, or ask for suggestions on what he should eat. After you start, it is hard at first, but becomes second nature after about the 2nd week. You just have to PLAN ahead of time meals, and healthy snacks. The key thing to making this work for my husband is not being hungry. So, we have found some healthy, but still tasty- if it doesn't taste good he wouldn't do it, snacks. We still eat things that we ate before, but watch our portions. Sauces are a killer in calories, and so is cheese, if you put it on everything. I don't know why you can't tell him how you feel, and that you have to sneak behind his back to dilute his milk, because if he is going to get mad at you because you love him and want him to be healthy, then I don't think that is a good relationship. Maybe he isn't ready to change anything, and you will just have to keep making suggestions all of the time. Don't buy the stuff he wants, and make him buy it. People are too sensitive these days, and think that if they tick their husbands off, they will leave them? What is marriage about if you can't express your feelings? I'm married for better or for worse, not just if my spouse tries to change me, then I will leave. I've been married for 13 1/2 yrs, and you will have the times that are hard, but you don't leave just because of it. Sorry for the venting, but the posting that said she dropped her boyfriend, because he wanted to change her- you are married now, he isn't just a boyfriend. I didn't think that my husband would ever do this with me, but he finally did. Don't nag him, but just drop suggestions, and tell him that you would like him to do it for you, so you can stay on track. Good luck!

MotoMichelle
04-28-2009, 11:10 AM
The best way to help your husband is keep quiet, prepare healthy meals, and let him decide for himself when it is time to lose weight. No one can make the decision for someone else and there is no point in hurting him by bringing it up more than once. If you actually put water in his milk, shame on you. You robbed him of nutrition or did you buy 2% milk. The difference is part of the fat is removed.


Lets see, if I were you, I'd work on yourself and let him follow when he is ready. There is no better way to end a relationship than trying to change someone who you excepted "as is" previously.

These ladies nailed it. Stop trying to change him. Focus on yourself and set the example. If he wants to change he will follow eventually.

It took over a year of me changing MY life before my husband really started getting on board with being healthier and losing weight.

If you push him, he will just resist or worse resent you for it. Don't be sneaky and changing his food up like the milk. That's a surefire way to ruin some of his trust and make him resentful. He has to make the decision to change himself, not you.

beerab
04-28-2009, 11:29 AM
I have a different take on this- for one- when should she wait to say something? When he goes up to 250 lbs? 300 lbs? When his health starts to go cuz his blood pressure is too high and so on? What if she loses her attraction to him because of the weight gain? Then he could be like "why didn't you speak to me before? I didn't realize my weight gain was turning you off" and so on.

I think you should approach him in a way that emphasizes his health. My husband is 6'3" and he had gone up a bit. And I told him I was worried about his health. I said as someone who has struggled with my weight a long time, I didn't want to see HIM struggle either. He only had like 20 lbs to lose and all he did was cut out some fast food and snacking and now he's back down to 200 lbs. He himself says he probably needs to lose 10 more lbs, but I don't push because 200 lbs at his height is still pretty healthy. I still cook healthy meals at home and he's definitely benefitted from it.

For me it really was about his health, he was going out and eating a meal at mcdonald's and getting an EXTRA big mac. Nobody needs that much food, specially for one meal. I mean he gained 20 lbs in a few months!

Come to him from a concerned point of view, maybe even try to spend more time with him at night talking, taking a bath together, and so on. He might be eating more out of boredom as well.

Good luck.

Jacquie668
04-28-2009, 11:31 AM
I have been in your position, and I don't agree with everyone else about keeping quiet and changing only yourself, and he will follow.

I think the point they are saying is you cannot make someone loose weight because you feel they need to. They are saying to not nag and keep on about it if there is a resistance.

There is a difference between talking about feelings and "getting on a person" about what they are eating. To me that is nagging, but hey maybe that is just me lol.

People are too sensitive these days, and think that if they tick their husbands off, they will leave them? What is marriage about if you can't express your feelings? I'm married for better or for worse, not just if my spouse tries to change me, then I will leave.

I don't think that is the point. In fact I think upsetting the spouse is the least of the worries. You cannot make someone do something that you want them to do, even if it is in their best interest. When you try to change someone else it usually, not always, but usually does create a negative situation. It isn't about "ticking" the other person off. It is about being supportive and understanding that what you think is in their best interest may not mesh well with that person. If a person feels like they are being nagged or forced into something then resentment and communication breakdown can form.

I think Lori's point is that she didn't like being nagged and treated like she should change to benefit another person. She made a choice about her life that was in HER best interest. A relationship is a relationship. If you love each other and want it to work, then you'll make it work, married or not. ;)

I'm an open person. I frequently talk to my boyfriend about my weight challenges and it is a constant struggle. My boyfriend doesn't nag me, but he always expresses his feelings to me and I him. We have no fear of upsetting each other, we do sometimes and that is normal. He wants me to be healthy, gives me suggestions, and personally I have created a zone with no boundaries as that works for me. He can express anything he wants. Yes he sometimes does upset me, but sometimes truth hurts. But I'm a person who welcomes that, not everyone is like that.

My weight loss journey has not been easy. It wasn't easier the second week or the third, and months down the road it still is a struggle. Things do not become routine for everyone and people do struggle. That is why supporting each other is important.

kiramira
04-28-2009, 11:42 AM
Nagging has never worked. And I grew up in a home where my mom treated my dad in the manner of frustrated mom's posts - my mom was quite thin and my dad wasn't, and we grew up with the constant comments, remarks and guilt-trips. It didn't work, Dad didn't lose weight, and made everyone unhappy. So this is the legacy that my mother's "caring approach" has left us. And frustrated mom should think about this -- creating the fear in her kids that their dad may die at any time ("don't you want to see your kids grow up") is not helpful to these poor kids. You got married for better or for worse, and turning into a nagging shrew isn't going to make things better. And holey SMOKES, maybe people eat as a reaction to judgement and stress in their relationship. So how can "getting on someone" POSSIBLY be helpful...
You can only do what you want to do. You can make healthy meals. You can invite him out for walks. You can see if the two of you want to get involved in a sport together. And if his weight climbs and you aren't happy, you need to get to the root of why this bothers you. You married him for better or for worse. This might be the "worse" part of the equation...
JMHO
Kira

JayEll
04-28-2009, 12:02 PM
It's one thing to be doing weight loss together, and another thing to be dragging along an unwilling participant. It's an awfully heavy load.

Until he decides that he wants to lose weight too, you really ought to concentrate on your own healthy eating. If you're in charge of cooking the meals, you can make healthier meals. If he complains, he can always cook, I say.

I don't mean that you shouldn't encourage him in eating healthier and dropping a few pounds. But all of us here know that having someone else telling you what you ought to do about your weight is not very easy to hear, and it doesn't help if you get nagged. I would bet that people who seem to be complying after being confronted like this are secretly sneaking to McDonalds when no one's watching. ;)

I'd say, don't dilute his milk or do other things like that. Instead, buy some 2% milk and ask him to try it with his cookies one night. He may find it doesn't make that much difference. If not, at least he tried it.

Jay

MotoMichelle
04-28-2009, 12:24 PM
There's a big difference between expressing concern about a loved one's health and nagging them to "get healthy" and then tricking them by switching up foods.

Of course express concern and offer your help if it's wanted. But after hearing about how he needs to lose weight and/or get healthy day in and day out, he's going to just turn off completely.

Put the idea in his head and then let it go. Let it stew in there for him. When I finally stopped nagging my husband is when he started to get interested on his own terms.

canadianwoman
04-28-2009, 12:27 PM
I'd say, don't dilute his milk or do other things like that. Instead, buy some 2% milk and ask him to try it with his cookies one night. He may find it doesn't make that much difference. If not, at least he tried it.


Or if she does the grocery shopping she could tell him the store was out of whole milk so she got the 2% instead.

Since I am the one here who does all the shopping that is what I am currently doing with my 18 year old son.

One day he even asked me if the store had *anything* he liked. Haha!! I told him it is a busy store and they are bound to be out of things sometimes.

Strangely I never hear complaining as he is chowing down on the healthier substitutes.:D

Photogirl101
04-28-2009, 12:46 PM
I guess in a sense you are all right. Just depends on the person(s) involved and their type of personality. i'm just not real sure what will work with my husband. i want us to have an open and honest relationship. But i also don't want to nag or discourage him or hurt his feelings. He brought it up one time and i told him he was very handsome he just needed to cut his gut in half. He's not lazy but he's not real active. I mean, he hunts turkey and deer so he walks in the woods....sometimes up and down hills. He's a supervisor but i dont' know how much he actually goes out and helps his people in the plant. So his hunting i'm sure helps. He's got good strong muscular type legs and arms too for the most part. It's just his stomach.

I didn't think about the nurtirent part of adding water to his milk. I was just wanting to prove that it tastes just as good as whole milk. He knows (because he's mentioned it) that he weighs more than he did when we met (a little over a year ago). I guess he's just not ready to do anything about it yet. Maybe i'm somewhat vain in my thinking, but i do worry about my attraction for him if he gains too much weight. It doesn't really bother me now....but it might if he gains much more. I don't know. I believe that people should keep up their appearance for their spouse (male and female) and themselves of course. We all get older and things change but we should look the best we can. You know? Maybe it's just my insecurity.....but i want my husband to always look at me and find me attractive. Not because he HAS to.....but because he actually thinks so. And i want to be able to do the same for him. And i certainly don't want him wishing he was with somebody else cause she looks better or wishing i looked like somebody else. My dad gives my mom a hard time. I've heard him say more than a few times that her being overweight disgusts him. I hope i'm never like daddy but i also hope i don't ever end up feeling like he does about my spouse. I guess that would be MY issue to work out though.

But it also goes beyond appearance. My husbands granddad has to take insulin for diabetes. And his dad has to keep a check on his. My hubby has had a couple of issues with his sugar dropping or something but for the most part it hasn't been anything major. And it happened before we got together. The doctor told his dad it would help if he'd lose weight so i mentioned that to my husband as well. His risks are higher being overweight AND having diabetes in the family.

Photogirl101
04-28-2009, 12:58 PM
Oh and another thing, i do the grocery shopping...sometimes he's with me and sometimes he's not. the last time he was he put the cookies and some little debbie's in the cart. I'm the chocoholic so try NOT eating something you crave when it's in the house. LOL! i think he knows i get the lean meat and he hasn't complained. And i got him to try turkey burgers one night. He said he liked those. Made chicken fajitas one night. The bad thing is that he's NOT a veggie person at all. He's all about the meat. Fajitas gave me a chance to throw in some veggies.

His way of losing weight is to eat very little during the day...he might eat 3 chicken fingers at lunch and maybe a bologna sandwich for a snack. A mountain dew to drink. Then he comes home and wants to gorge out before bedtime. I've been preparing our meals and cutting everything in 1/4th so that we both have some for lunch the next day and he can only have so much since he's taking some for lunch (portion control and lesser fat and calories).

Jacquie668
04-28-2009, 01:12 PM
The question you have to really answer for yourself is:

Is this really about him or you?

It sounded at first, to me at least, that the concern was about his health. Now, your words are putting him off to the side and you center stage. There is a difference between, in my opinion, being concerned over the health of another and being concerned over how they will look to you if they gain more weight.

Maybe you could benefit from a bit of reflection.

I will say that eating healthy, generally, and doing general activity benefits you both and your life. Small changes...you seem to be doing that and are thinking of those things. So, I say that you're on a positive path. It sounds like you talk about things. On the other hand, question asked I think is important, is this about him or you?

aneleh
04-28-2009, 01:22 PM
I kind of understand the watering down the milk thing. I mean it frustrates me to no end when someone says they don't like healthy food because it tastes bad. Well ya, if you've been eating high fat/salt for so long of course it's going to be hard to change, but you get used to it. Many people have the notion that food's primary job is to make you happy, not to feed your body.

I would just shop for healthy things, maybe find some alternatives to the cookies at night, like frozen yogurt, homemade low fat blueberry muffins, etc. If he wants junk HE has to go buy it because you can't do that anymore.

rocketbunny
04-28-2009, 01:47 PM
I would agree with everyone that it's important not to nag an S.O. about weight loss. But it is also important to make sure that he/she has the tools available when desire to eat healthier eventually arises.

Toward the end of last year, my BF announced that he was putting himself on a diet (Weight Watchers @home). His clothes weren't fitting well and (more importantly) he has to lose weight to pass a Sept. '09 physical at work which will allow him to continue doing some very fun testing activities. I was supportive because I'd done WW in the past, but I wasn't particularly motivated at the time to work on losing weight myself. BF never mentioned anything about wanting me to diet as well.

Sometime earlier this year he announced that he'd lost over 20 lbs. His clothes were fitting much better and WOW! Hot! I could really see the change in his face and body while I was still feeling overweight and yucky.

At the end of March, we went out to dinner with one of his ex-GFs (they didn't date for very long and are still good friends. I'm an adult about it but still quietly competitive.) She had always been close to my weight. Well, during the meal, she mentioned that she was working on weight loss too.

That got me thinking. I went home and researched the diet plan she was on. Expensive and not for me, especially when I had all the tools I needed and past experience doing Weight Watchers.

The next morning I got on the scale and freaked out when I saw MY HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER. I plopped a notepad down on my bathroom vanity counter, recorded my weight, and opened up a spreadsheet food journal on my desktop at work that day. I've been pretty faithfully OP since.

BF made no comment when I mentioned that I was on WW about a week later, but last week he said that he could see a change in my face already. I think he's a shameless flatterer, but the compliment really encouraged me.

Anyway, the point of this story (beyond shameless self-promotion) is that your S.O. is noticing the change, and he's probably thinking about it. Give him the tools he needs without trickery or pushiness and he may eventually come on board. He's backed himself into a corner with the whole "I don't like 2% milk." etc. When he starts drinking it or making a quiet effort to eat more healthy foods, don't comment on it until he specifically mentions it himself. Keep your words positive and laced with compliments.

Be patient. As others have said, it may take a while.

bindersbee
04-28-2009, 01:54 PM
I think you've gotten a lot of good advice from many angles so I won't repeat that. The one thing I DO want to emphasize is that everyone has a different relationship with different history etc. Your relationship is young so there is less 'history' to rely on.

Why that matters is because of the establishment of trust within a marriage. I've been married for 13 years and have a history over those years of not being a nag. Because of that history, I could do the loving approach about his weight to my husband and probably have a pretty good chance that he'd take it in the spirit intended. I have NOT done that though because, having been together so long, I know he knows he needs to lose weight and I know him well enough to know that if I nag, he'll take the EXACT OPPOSITE approach because then it becomes about resistance to being controlled instead of dealing with a food overconsumption issue. My actions would change the dialog away from the intended course.

On the milk thing- just buy some 2%, pour it into his glass and after he finishes it ask if he noticed anything different. When he fails to notice, tell him it was 2% and ask if you can switch to that. Be cute and loving and joking when you do that. The upfront approach that asks permission is respectful and likely to keep the conversation on the intended track.

Switching his milk behind his back is manipulative, controlling and sneaky. When he finds out you've been doing that, and he will, the conversation will NEVER be about calories etc. as you intend but rather about you being sneaky, manipulative and controlling. Change the parts YOU can that you control and respect him enough to let him make his own choices. It's HARD to do that (I know from experience) but example is the only way. Let him SEE for himself how much better YOU look, how much more energy YOU have, the way YOUR OWN confidence has grown and hope that he decides he wants some of that for himself.

kiramira
04-28-2009, 02:09 PM
When I was a kid, we used to get milk delivered in bottles with "pop tops" that were color coded -- green was 2%, blue was skim, red was whole. We always got the green tops. My mother changed the tops on us, from blue to green, and didn't tell us for MONTHS. We never even noticed.
Swap out the whole for 2% if you like, but I think that the milk is the least of your worries -- swap out his bologna sandwiches and hot dogs, instead, for, say, turkey ones to start with... IF you have to...
Kira

willow650
04-28-2009, 04:08 PM
I'm not overweight but i am currently trying to get back to eating healthier and exercising. i'd like to lose about 10 pounds in the process. So i've taken small steps....been baking or grilling all my food...nothing fried. I try to add veggies. I'm trying REALLY hard to not drink sodas or chocolate (both are my addictions). Been drinking water, crystal light, and sweet tea. Yea it's sweet tea but one problem at a time. LOL! I exercise in the mornings.

But this thread is more about my husband. We just got married in January and he's the biggest he's ever been. At first i liked the fact that he was bigger...he's a stocky guy. But then he started gaining weight in the stomach. He's about 6ft and 230 pounds so he's considered overweight. I don't really want him to lose too much weight....maybe get down to 200 or 210. But i'm not sure how to tell him in a nice way. He mentions his weight sometimes (how he needs to lose weight) but then he also tells me that fat boys have to eat. I tell him i love him no matter what. But i also tell him it wouldn't hurt for him to lose a few pounds....that it would make him healthier and feel better. But he eats chocolate chip cookies and whole milk before bed most every night and no exercise. He don't know it but i watered down his whole milk the other day and he hasn't even noticed...he's totally against drinking 2% milk. He says its too much like water. I figured this is sneaky but it might be the only way to show him that a gradual step down isn't that bad. Is there anything else i can do? I thought about seeing if he'll walk with me in the afternoons...i just got to find time. I work out in the mornings cause i seldom have time in the afternoons. I was hoping with me exercising in the mornings he might get motivated but....not yet. And i'm trying to cook better foods as mentioned above. Any advice?


I am curious, what if you gained a few pounds and he was saying the same things to you?

Photogirl101
04-28-2009, 05:26 PM
I am curious, what if you gained a few pounds and he was saying the same things to you?

Well, i'd hope he can be honest with me too. But i guess to answer your question...it depends on how he said it. My feelings are hurt easily sometimes. But again, i want to look good for my husband. And i want to be healthy as well...for him, myself and our future kids. If he's bothered by something i usually try to fix it. For most things, even if it hurt my feelings, it's better than him not telling me and me finding out when it's too late or in this case...it gets out of control. For example...if i cook something he don't like....i want him to tell me. And i've stressed this to him because I know he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he dont like the dish or that i burnt it, etc. But there is no need in me continuing to fix something he don't like or making him eat something that's burnt, etc. Granted, i'd want him to do it in a nice way. But he might be different than me and handle things differently. His family is a little tougher than mine (in general). I dont want him looking back one day....after having health issues or whatever and asking why i didn't tell him he was getting too big. Or if i don't say something to him about it....and later he has health issues, it'll be just as much my fault for not warning him. Ignoring a problem dont make it go away. Make sense?

JayEll
04-28-2009, 05:50 PM
it'll be just as much my fault for not warning him.

No, I think you're confused here. It will not be your fault if he continues to overeat, gains more weight, and dies of an obesity-related illness. You aren't his mother or his keeper.

Yes, you can warn him. You can say, "Dear husband, by gaining weight you may be compromising your health, and I sure don't want to be a widow because of that--I love you!" And once you have said that, you have warned him. You're done at that point. Get it?

If he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking, it wouldn't be your fault because you failed to wrestle the bottle out of his hands.

Jay

Jacquie668
04-28-2009, 05:57 PM
I dont want him looking back one day....after having health issues or whatever and asking why i didn't tell him he was getting too big. Or if i don't say something to him about it....and later he has health issues, it'll be just as much my fault for not warning him. Ignoring a problem dont make it go away. Make sense?

This is what I was trying to say earlier. It is seeming like, based on the things you are saying, that you are merging his issues into something about you when it is really about his health. Yes it is also about you both as a couple, but he still is his own person.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you HAVE talked about things with him. I thought that is what you said. You also ARE making healthy changes to benefit you both. Most of the people here think going behind his back and being "sneaky" isn't the best option as well as nagging as that could lead to a resentful situation. You can't say you want him to be honest and open to you, when you're sneaking the milk situation under his nose, which is dishonest.

Shouldn't it be you don't want him looking back and wishing he done things differently with his health? The fault lies with HIM not you as he is his own person, but it IS NOT about fault. It is about his health and you BOTH as a couple.

I'm not wanting to throw you on the defensive. Just in case you thought there was a negative tone to my reply, there isn't an intention of that so I hope you don't think there is. I'm just throwing out a few angles for you to consider. I really think you are focused more on you than him is what I'm saying. That is why I replied earlier with the idea of some reflection. :)

frustrated mom
04-28-2009, 05:58 PM
I'm sorry if I sounded like I nag my husband, and have drug him into doing a lifestyle change that he does not want to do. I guess that I needed to give some background info that would make me not sound as horrible as the people think I am that posted after me. When we got married 13 1/2 yrs ago my husband weighed about 200 lbs. Since we have been married he has gained 50 lbs, lost 50 lbs, gained it back again, and lost it, and now is 260. He loves to snowmobile, because we live in the best area for that, and everytime he comes home I have to listen to him talk about how badly he needs to lose weight, because he feels like he is going to have a heart attack while he is riding, and if he has to help get someone unstuck also. His grandpa died at the age of 39 from his 3rd heart attack, so that is always in my mind with him being overweight. He is getting his car re-done, and always says that he should lose weight for being in the pictures with his car . I just get sick of him saying that he needs to lose weight, and it is not for the reason of his health, but for his snowmobiling, or posing in a picture. I don't nag on him all day long, but just would say, if you want to lose weight than do something about it. His idea of weight loss was drinking a slim fast shake for 2 meals, starving in between, and eating whatever he wanted for super. Obviously that doesn't work, because you lose the weight, and then gain it right back. Plus, it isn't good to starve yourself. So, out of conern, I suggested us to count our calories together, and he could of said no, because you don't FORCE my husband to do anything that he doesn't want to do. I hope this explains a little better of our weight struggle, and my concern of his health, since his grandpa died at age 39 of his 3rd heart attack. My husband was also admitted to the hospital when he was about 26, because he thought he was having a heart attack, and they had to do the whole procedure of looking at all of his veins to make sure they weren't plugged. So, I don't agree with nagging your husband to death, but I also do believe that you should be able to express your feelings for him. I don't think changing a person and making that your life goal is good, but throwing in a couple ideas of how he can eat healthier never hurts. I would get to the point where I would just give up on my husband and tell him I am eating healthier, so if you choose not to that it is your decision, but I don't think our kids should suffer either by having a bad example from their dad. Plus, my husband's sister is very overweight, because of health issues, and she is always trying to lose weight, and if my husband and her make some changes, they can help each other.

aneleh
04-28-2009, 11:14 PM
I don't think you're a horrible person, frustratedmom! I totally understand where you're coming from. I've had this conversation with my bf as well. It's frustrating when someone complains about a problem but does nothing to fix it! I think both parties in a relationship should understand that their lifestyle affects the people around them, as much as weight loss is a personal battle.

harrismm
04-28-2009, 11:27 PM
Well, my opinion comes from being a nurse.Being overweight is a major health concern.Its never selfish or inappropriate to express your concern for his health.I believe this can be done tactfully.I discuss these things with my patients every day.Sad thing is, most people dont listen until it hits home.I tell my husband all of the time he needs to lose weight, exercise and reduce his cholesterol.Has he?Nope.But I am still telling him.LOL!

Athendta
04-29-2009, 06:33 AM
Well, I don't know how many cookies he eats before bed, but if you're doing all the cooking it shouldn't be too hard to cut back on the calories in the food. LOL at watering down the milk! You could also buy 2% milk and put it in an old whole milk container... as long as he doesn't look at the expiration date he probably won't notice.

And hey, count your blessings. My hubby is 380. Your hubby is fit and trim by comparison ;D

PrincessLJ
04-29-2009, 07:00 AM
My DF is the same he's a stocky guy and always been a little on the podgy side, but cos I am training etc i just try and get him involved like suggest he comes out for a jog with me cos its boring on my own, i;ve changed my diet so his has changed too cos i am not cooking two meals ha!!!

thinpossible
06-06-2009, 10:43 AM
The next time your husband mentions that he wants to lose weight, ask him if he's really serious. I would take advantage of the times he says that he wants to lose weight. Other than that I wouldn't bug him about it. He has to want to change. But there are some things you can do without nagging him. If he only needs to lose 20lbs, even making a few adjustments to his lifestyle will help a lot. Here are some suggestions:


Invite him to go on a walk after dinner
DOn't buy cookies everytime you go shopping. You can politely decline, and tell him a daily dose of junk is not helping his health, you love him too much to watch him eat that stuff.
Fill a half empty jug of whole milk with 2%. Then when the jug is empty fill it up with 2%
Some guys like a little competition. Make a bet that you can give up chocolate longer than he can give up cookies
Pack his lunch - eating out can rack up the calories.
See if you can find an active hobby that both of you would enjoy, like bike riding or frisbee golf