General chatter - Overweight and Intimate?
04-24-2009, 12:09 PM
I hope this topic isn't too out there or offensive for some people but i just need a little advice, since it's not really something im willing to speak with my family about. So here goes, i've been in a serious relationship for a little over 2 years now and im extremely uncomfortable being totally naked in front of my boyfriend. Yes, im overweight and for some reason, even though my boyfriend loves me and says he loves my body i can't seem to get over the way my stomach looks. I donated my kidney to my sister about 2 years ago and so i have some scars and my tummy has just never looked the same. My boyfriend is very bothered by my being uncomfortable around him but i just can't seem to get over it. Any advice? :?:
04-24-2009, 12:20 PM
You should just let it go, he loves you for what you are and if he say's he doesn't care then he really doesn't. Be yourself, thats all he probably wants. If you make it a big deal he will get bored of it and blow up. You should be happy you have someone who doesn't care about the way your body looks. And you have those scars from a good cause, you did something good, so don't worry be happy and be proud of it!
04-24-2009, 12:53 PM
I know its easier said than done to just "be comfortable" because he accepts you like that. So Im not going to say that. The reason you are part of this forum is because you are trying to lose weight and judging by your ticker, you have done significantly well. That being said, continue on your weight loss journey, explain to your boyfriend that if he is patient with you, that he will reep dividends once you get to your goal you you feel confident (and super svelt). In the mean time, if your not comfortable being totally naked, then dress up for him. Put something on that maybe covers your stomach but makes him go "woah!". This is a halfway point. If you continue to push him away, you take a risk by scaring him away. Men love confident woman, its a known fact and even though you dont "feel" confident, if you exume it in your actions and personality, he will look past that. It obviously seems like he already does and you are so lucky for that. Dont scare him away with your lack of self confidence, meet him halfway. Hopefully this helps.
04-24-2009, 01:13 PM
I just want to say you should just be damn proud of that scar :)
04-24-2009, 01:21 PM
Be proud of that scar what a wonderful gift to your sister and also be proud to only weigh 170 pounds! Ive spent the last several years at/over/near 300lbs so things could be worse.
04-24-2009, 01:21 PM
I have been there. I don't have a scar to be proud of, I have really yucky looking stretch marks. I'm not sure what finally got me past it, but when I was feeling particularly bad about myself, I'd find a really sexy yet mostly covering outfit, turn out the lights, light a candle or two instead so that it's dark mostly and it turns into something more romantic rather than trying to "hide". Then even when the clothes had to go, I didn't feel so exposed.
Like the other poster said, even if you don't feel confident, act like you do and eventually you really will. I can't wait to weigh 170 by the way! Congrats on the loss so far.
04-24-2009, 01:25 PM
I agree with lucky, men love a confident woman, so be confident in yourself, so you have a scar- hey you gave your sister a kidney! And so your tummy doesn't look the same- but I am guessing it looks a LOT better than it did 37 pounds ago! Be happy with your body, he loves it, accept it and love yourself also :) I'm 212 lbs and I love my body, if I sit there and worry about my body I'll never enjoy sex!
Oh and there is this stuff called Mederma, I've been using it on a burn scar that I have and I'm totally impressed by it. My sister used it for a scar on her face and recommended it to me, I'm shocked by the change in the scar over the course of a few weeks! There is a coupon for $2 off right now on their site at merderma.com also! :)
04-24-2009, 02:12 PM
You should definitely be wearing that scar with pride :)
I have also felt this way...It's not a pleasant feeling. But, I try to remember how lucky I am to have someone who loves me no matter what I look like. Guys like that are hard to find! I can guarantee he doesn't see you the way you see yourself, and I'm sure you look great!
I've also used Mederma ( I have a huge scar on my lower back from a surgery) and it worked well for me, too.
04-24-2009, 02:15 PM
from a male perspective....there are men out there that would be bothered by your scar, but beleive him when he says he likes your body...he is telling the truth...he loves the whole package...by the way, i love lindy's idea about dressing up...he'll appreciate that....take as long as you need...intimacy is a very personal issue, and im guessing hes not going anywhere good luck
04-24-2009, 03:59 PM
You have just lost a lot of weight and are still going strong on that process.
You may have lived with a negative body image for a very long time.
It is going to take a while for your mind to catch up with the changes in your body.
04-24-2009, 11:30 PM
"Fake it until you make it"
Men love to feel wanted, just like we do. Go for candles instead of overhead lights and just throw yourself into the moment. Let your mind get into it first and your body might follow. Once you are "in to it" you won't be thinking about your body, just how good you feel and how good you make him feel!
I definitely second (third?) the sexy clothes. A sexy bustier might do wonders for your confidence!
04-25-2009, 01:44 AM
I *hate* being intimate right now. You are NOT alone. Not that it makes you feel any better...
Brown Eyed Staccie
04-25-2009, 02:07 AM
There are some fantastic comments here. Im very intimidated by being intimate. It's been a serious problem in my past few relationships and got better as I felt more comfortable with my body but I would still never stand up or walk around naked in front of my boyfriend. I would use a sheet or wait until he was gone from the room or asleep etc. Having a shower once was tough, I did not like that at all. I hate my boobs the most, the rest I could deal with - as soon as I'm at my goal - my boobs are getting a makeover :) So I hear you and can relate...I hope I can get there someday too
04-25-2009, 02:46 PM
eskino, i think what you say is very important...a lot of times we feel like our situations are unique...getting advice from someone whos been there is way more valuable than someone who thinks they know what theyre talking about
04-25-2009, 03:48 PM
"Fake it until you make it"
:yes: I agree whole heartedly!
I also agree on the pretty/sexy clothing.
I love those lacy push-up bras, and the pretty lacy tap shorts. (they hide my belly nicely.)
Turn off the lights, and light a few candles instead!
You will feel much more confident and most of all...you'll feel pretty. :)
04-25-2009, 07:00 PM
Most definitely get a pretty babydoll nighty They are often see through, but it does cover. then with simple candlelight it will still "hide".
I do understand my husband and I were together for months before he was allowed to see me but I basically just had to bite the bullet. when you are ready you will know.
04-25-2009, 07:17 PM
Thanks to David for the comment.
About the "Fake it til you make it" theory - it's a tried and failed one for me. I noticed I started to resent my partner for -my- having to fake it, which made it more confusing for -him- to understand.
It's just exhausting, hard work to focus on trying to enjoy something you *know* is supposed to be intimate, and close, and secure, and instead of that, you're focusing on how much your stomach is constantly jiggling. (uhh.... tmi?) For me, it's not that I'm worried HE'LL see the stomach jiggle, it's just that I sooo badly DON'T want to see *or feel* it. And then, I know for myself at least, I start to feel so selfish for it - I can't NOT focus on myself, so it takes away the experience for him.
It just seems to be a vicious cycle, and we've had a few little fights about it, and lots of tears on my end.
The babydoll idea is a great one and it really helps me a lot. But otherwise - I am soooo there with you, OP.
04-26-2009, 05:47 PM
i dont think i belong in this thread...i feel out of place...this is a verrry personal issue....best wishes to everyone....maybe ill see you in other threads
04-26-2009, 07:18 PM
thanks for all the replies! Yes, david this thread is personal but its an issue many women and men im sure also, have to struggle with. I really appreciate everyone's honest responses and advice! It's really nice to hear other's perspectives and opinions on the matter! <3
04-27-2009, 01:07 AM
another male perspective...
I too am very self conscience about being uncovered in front of someone with the lights on. So it is BOTH sides of the fence.
In fact I don't even like going to the beach or a swimming pool and put on a bathing suit or pull my shirt off.
Hopefully this will all change as I get closer to my goal.
I too will join in and say wear that scar as a badge of courage! You gave your sister something that is more precious than all the money in the world ... LIFE!
04-27-2009, 01:16 AM
I agree with fake it till you make it. Here's the thing- you aren't going to magically feel sexy when you hit goal. You aren't. Your insecurities will still be there. Consider that perhaps it's not really your body you are afraid to really let him see. Could it be symbolic of something else to you? Like you are holding part of yourself back for fear of losing him etc.?
Perhaps you could practice techiques and ways of trying to FEEL sexy now? This is all you and you are the one who can fix it. If he is the one who usually initiates- try doing that yourself. He has a need to feel wanted and desired and like he can make you forget everything else. Stop thinking about yourself and your own insecurities in the bod department. Instead focus all of that energy on making HIM and his body. I know you don't need any further pointers (blush). Get outside of yourself if you can. Confidence is EARNED and isn't a number.
05-15-2009, 12:10 PM
Oh man... I'm so going through this right now. My guy and I haven't been intimate yet... completely... but he's seen everything BUT my stomach. I refuse to uncover it completely I hate it so much. Though I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that he didn't vomit when he saw my legs and behind... I still refuse to show my stomach though he confidently says that one day he'll get me there and that no matter what it looks like, stretch marks/rolls/n all... I just can't bring myself to believe that. *sigh*
Ahhhhhh... to finally have found a great guy that likes all my parts (almost)... the thought of losing him because he seems my destroyed stomach area (weight loss and excessive gain years ago after two life threatening surgeries).... kills me!
05-15-2009, 12:46 PM
I have never let anyone get close enough to me to be intimate in all my 30 years. If I didn't like the way my body looked, I was certain no guy would like the way it looked. I blame myself for my outlook on this, I know I've scarred myself by this way of thinking. And b/c of thinking this way, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be intimate with anyone. And even though I want to be, I'm not sure my body will allow me to be. ( if that makes any sense ) and I'd like to be able to fix that way of thinking, but I have no idea how to even start to go about changing.
05-15-2009, 12:59 PM
Getting comfortable in your own skin is not a problem reserved for overweight people. Generally, it's likely that if you're self-conscious now, you'll probably be self-conscious at lower weights also. It's how and why some very beautiful people get addicted to plastic surgery (to the point that their quest for perfection yields results most of us would consider very unattractive - in seeking beauty they destroy it).
I can't fully explain why my husband and I, even when we were both close to 400 lbs, have always (well at least, after the first incident of nekkid time in the relationship) had body confidence. I guess for me, when it came to our first intimacy, although I was very nervous, it was a matter of "take it or leave it, but I need to know that you accept me completely, and I'd rather know now than later."
Confidence breeds confidence, it's like a muscle that grows if you use it. As a result, I don't think you have to completely "fake it to make it," you just have to find some small thing that you can be confident about - and really indulge (heck, roll around in) that confidence. I've always liked my eyes and cleavage -NO ONE has (natural) cleavage like a big girl. I've always been immensely proud of my creativity (in the nonsexual sense), and I brought that to the bedroom too.
It's kind of funny in hindsight, but I was so nervous about the first intimate encounter with my husband, I decided that I could distract him, or compensate for the sight of my nakedness by being creative as an icebreaker (I only worried later, that he might consider my actions more slutty than alluring), but I created a little bag of toys. Nothing outrageously kinky, but fun stuff like Crayola washable (temporary) markers. The markers were a really big hit. We drew "tattoos" on each other. Oh my we laughed so hard, and had so much fun, we did forget about our own fears of being naked.
I think that part of my boldness is just personality. I am a person that has always mostly, at least on some level, liked and accepted myself. I spent insecure, self-hating years, mostly during adolescence, primarily because society was telling me I was supposed to hate myself, but I think on some level, I always felt a bit confused as to WHY I was supposed to hate myself - why the weight was supposed overshadowed all my other qualities and accomplishments no matter how wonderful.
I can't teach you to overcome fears and insecurities, I can only tell you that like weight loss, it's worth the effort, and it gets easier with practice.
05-16-2009, 08:50 PM
Oh my we laughed so hard, and had so much fun, we did forget about our own fears of being naked.
That is so cute!! hehe :D