Weight Loss Support - Not so friendly remarks from a friend




avamarie1987
04-06-2009, 07:52 PM
My roommate is the kind of person who I rarely like to talk about weight or weight loss with. She's tall and skinny but always complains about being "so fat" but can eat anything and not gain a pound.

Yesterday, when I was making dinner she said all she was eating was fruit salad because she doesn't want to be the "fat one" now. :no:

Who says something like that? So, I just chalked it up to her not thinking before she said it. Then, she starts asking me what I did to lose weight and I told her a list of a few things (like calorie counting, fiber, protein, etc.)... all she says is "oh I already do that." :dizzy:

I've been feeling really positive about my weight loss so far, but that really just put a damper on my good mood.

Has anyone else gotten weird almost competitive comments from friends or family?

-Ava


JulieJ08
04-06-2009, 08:00 PM
Usually it's about their issues and not about you. Doesn't mean they shouldn't know better than to talk like that. But in the end, you have to make choices: Is it worth trying to talk it over and get better support from this person? Is it best to just ignore them? Is it hopeless and bad and I need to get this person out of my life?

Lori Bell
04-06-2009, 08:14 PM
Sorry to tell you Ava, but the world is FULL of people like your roommate. I have one particular person who says things like what you describe all the time. She can never give a compliment unless there is a big fat insult attached. I sometimes dream of ways to get even...:devil: But I really mostly just try and ignore. Though the other day I did get a little jab in when she started justifying a cookie she was eating in front of me, (like I care if she eats one...heck I wish she would eat every cookie in the world so I don't have to see them...LOL). I just smiled and told her I was not interested in the "Food Police" position...:)


Truevibes
04-06-2009, 08:18 PM
I admit I too have gotten comments about my weight gain from loved ones. It does hurt. But I ignore them and strive to keep on going!

As far as your roommate is concerned do not let it dictate or change what you are doing! I am sure you are doing a WONDERFUL job in your weight loss :) Just ignore her!

Thighs Be Gone
04-06-2009, 08:21 PM
oooh...sounds like someone is feeling a little threatened by you...I echo what Julie said---you have to decide is she worth the discussion or do you just need to get away from her..

Athenawithheart
04-06-2009, 08:31 PM
Try not to take it too personal, although it's hard not to. It sounds like she has her own food issues ...

SweetScrumptious
04-06-2009, 09:35 PM
It also nerves me when "skinny" friends come to me and complain about how "fat" they. SOOOO what do they think of me then? If they are "so fat"... It kind of makes me feel depressed but than I just think again that they have body problems too. I've noticed that the majority of the time they talk about how "fat" they are, they are just doing it for the "skinny compliments" and other forms of attention seeking. I tend to not give in to it and just change the subject.

It seems to me that your roommate is doing some attention seeking herself since.. hm... you took the spotlight with all your weight loss. They best you can do is give her advice and answer her questions but I don't think there's much else you can do. You could try having a 1-on-1 talk with her and discuss these issues and how her comments make you feel.

shrinkingleah
04-06-2009, 09:37 PM
Congrats on being so close to your goal! Don't even listen to what your roommate is saying. I guess people like to think they are better then the people around them and maybe that was the way she thought she was "better" then you. I bet you are looking gorgeous and feeling fabulous and it makes her feel jealous. You keep doing what you are doing because it is working! Feel good about yourself and let the people who push you down deal with their issues on their own.

unwanted37lbs
04-06-2009, 09:39 PM
some people are lucky not to gain weight eaily (like your roomate) but some people like me, lbs just stick to me no matter what. We are just different type of people i guess. Do i need to be jelous of those who are not gaining weight no matter how much they eat? no. Healthy eating and daily exercice may not be their life style and they are ok with that cuz they probable dont see the need in it. But for me (and people like me) i need to make daily exercise habbit and plan my meals carefully EACH AND SINGLE DAY so that extra lbs dont stick to me.

That said, i know i have to work for looking good (by exercise and good food choices) but same time some people can do nothing and still be skinny. Its a bit unfair thought BUT people who are watching their diet and in habbit of exercise are better IMFORMED on how our body works, what it needs and stuff. Sooner or later their metabolism will slow down and they would have no knowladge to face it. But we will face this with being fit, with better understanding of food and food portiins and so on.

kaplods
04-06-2009, 09:58 PM
I guess I would have probably said something to show her what she sounded like.

For the first few times, I'd be pretty nice and compassionate and just say something like "you might want to think about stuff like that before you say it. If I weren't such a good friend, I'd be very offended right now."

Of course I would also have to do a little thinking before I spoke, because my first reaction would be to want to say something a bit more sarcastic, such as "Yeah, you'd better stick with being "the skinny one," because I'm not sure you could pull off "the smart one," or "the compassionate one."

beautifulone
04-06-2009, 10:04 PM
It's really too bad that she is so insecure about herself that she feels the need to go fishing for compliments or to justify her eating, most especially given that she's actually thin.

It's also too bad that the insecurity is preventing her from responding positively. What you are doing is awesome and you have every reason to be proud of yourself :D I know that can be hard when people around you are not supportive. I guess the ball's then in your court to decide how you want to respond. Whatever you do, I hope you keep sight of how fabulous your achievement is and how much it rocks ;)

avamarie1987
04-06-2009, 10:14 PM
Thanks for all the support everyone! :hug:

I'm definitely not going to let anyone's comments get in the way of my goals. I've never felt better than I do now!

I think it really is an issue of her own insecurity... and definitely fishing for compliments. That's been obvious for a long time except now, it's got a pinch of insult thrown in!

I'm so grateful for everyone's kind words! There's no place like 3FC!

sunflowergirl68
04-06-2009, 10:27 PM
Dude, you're like, 5'4 128. That's not fat, and your roommate is crazy. She probably has low self-esteem (if she's thin and keeps saying she's fat) and feels like she has to cut people down. I always just ignore those people. What gets on my nerves is when people who are overweight who complain about being overweight and won't do anything to change it because they'd rather complain. Your roommate sounds like she just wants something to complain about.

What she's doing is fishing for a compliment. People who complain about being "so fat" are just asking for someone to say that they're skinny. Whenever heard something like that, I'd say "whatever you say" and just go about what i was doing before.

Which reminds me, is that some people are also looking for a spat. My freshman roommate was a bigger girl, and I weighed around 160 at the time (oh how time passes) and I was confident about myself. Anyways, she walks up to me when I was at my desk and asked me if I thought she was obese. So I thought for a second that I can't say yes, because she'll get mad and I can't say no because she'll think I'm lying, so I told her to look up her BMI and that according to mine, I'm overweight for my height, and went back to my work, and she never brought up weight again.

So honestly, the next time your roommate complains about being fat, don't say anything. She's just insecure and is looking for a compliment.

butterflygurl
04-06-2009, 11:16 PM
Sorry to hear your roommate is being quite insensitive and rude. Try not to let it get you down because you're amazing and have made great progress!

harrismm
04-06-2009, 11:29 PM
As ive gotten older and wiser I have changed my definition of "friend".Sorry but that is not a true friend.I can not imagine EVER making that comment to anyone.........not even an enemy.I have also learned that it is only I who can surround myself with supporting , loving and amazing people.this is what i have learned to do (but probably not until in my 30s did i learn i was worth doing this).My life has been much better since.

teawithsunshine
04-07-2009, 03:19 AM
I'm convinced some people are just born jerks.

Ignore her and keep going!! You're doing so good! :cool:

~ tea

nods
04-07-2009, 08:33 AM
I think she totally was fishing for compliments. I agree with the person who said that. Your weight loss has maybe garnered a lot of attention maybe in your social circle (with or without you knowing it.) She just wanted someone to say to her, "OMG NO! You look SO amazing! I wish I had your body!"

Lame. But it would get your point across if you did say that as sarcastically as possible and toss in an obnoxious, "feel better now?" at the end. :hug:

MindiV
04-07-2009, 08:41 AM
I've got a co-worker who's my height and is "such a cow" at about 130 pounds. I weigh 140 now. It kills me when she talks about "how fat" she is, but like a lot of others have said, it just shows her insecurity. She feels so badly about herself that she has to fish for compliments.

She's also the first to jump in and talk about how much weight others have gained, after they leave the office. Just like your roommate, she's got to make others look bad (even when they don't) to make herself look better.

I know we should just ignore it when people say things....but it's SO hard. I KEEP on getting "Stop losing weight! You look SICK!" from people. I haven't lost a pound since before Thanksgiving, but I get called "sick looking" four times a week. I stopped going out to a local bar with my husband because the drunk ladies at the bar (who thought they were whispering) were going on and on about how I'd gone too far and looked SO bad now, and didn't look THAT bad before. I didn't go back for months.

Well, I went back Friday with the husband, because his best friend was there for his birthday, with his wife and sister and her boyfriend. I stayed a little bit then left. My husband told me that I was the topic of conversation for half the bar when I walked out, about how horrible I look now. Even his best friend...someone I considered a friend and trusted. I think that time it hurt the worst...

And this week I find myself totally sabotaging my progres....snacking, eating sweets, etc. I think my self-esteem is SHOT....

Jen415
04-07-2009, 08:56 AM
Ladies, for our own sakes.....we need to stop giving a RIP what others think of us. All that matters is what we think of ourselves.

We MUST do this for ourselves, and not for the praise of others. People will disappoint us EVERY.TIME.

midwife
04-07-2009, 09:00 AM
Listen to Jen.

I have learned that when I internalize rude comments they hurt me far more and for far longer than the other person even ever realizes. It's a tossed off comment for them, but then it sticks with me for far too long. I've learned to release the crap that others toss my way.

It is not worth it to be bogged down by other people's negative energy. I know it is easy to say and hard to do, but it gets easier with practice. It is our lives, our bodies, our minds....live as free as you can from other people's issues.

ETA: Which is not to say that you should not vent. I'm glad you all shared these experiences here...my heart just hurts for you....

Jen415
04-07-2009, 09:04 AM
Thank you, Midwife! :)

Lachelle
04-07-2009, 09:17 AM
I was getting told that I looked sick when I was 240 pounds. People get jealous.

mygritsconfessions
04-07-2009, 09:19 AM
Midwife said it perfect! You have to let go of the negative. Rule of thumb - whatever YOU think about YOU will get more of! Focus on the positive and you will have a better and stronger mindset about yourself.

TJFitnessDiva
04-07-2009, 09:25 AM
Listen to Jen.

I have learned that when I internalize rude comments they hurt me far more and for far longer than the other person even ever realizes. It's a tossed off comment for them, but then it sticks with me for far too long. I've learned to release the crap that others toss my way.

It is not worth it to be bogged down by other people's negative energy. I know it is easy to say and hard to do, but it gets easier with practice. It is our lives, our bodies, our minds....live as free as you can from other people's issues.

ETA: Which is not to say that you should not vent. I'm glad you all shared these experiences here...my heart just hurts for you....

Exactly!! Please don't let your roommate unload her insecurities and negative energy onto you. :)

melwolfe
04-07-2009, 09:56 AM
Wow! I know some people like that. It makes me crazy but mostly I laugh about it. I have a cousin who I saw over the weekend who made comments because my daughter and I wanted to go to Outback instead of Red Lobster because we couldn't find good nutritional info on Red Lobster and what little we found was really high in fat, calories, etc.

So she said it was bull that we couldn't eat there, that she feels that if you just eat in moderation you do fine and that's what she does. Well, she's quite a large woman, several sizes larger than me and she's lost no weight only gained the entire time I've known her. We get to the restaurant and she ordered a 12 oz steak with blue cheese topping, mushrooms, mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, a salad with extra cheese, and blue cheese dressing, a lobster tail with extra butter and proceeds to eat a whole loaf of that bread with butter, then she ordered carrot cake for dessert. I just had to laugh because if that's moderation I'd hate to see what she would eat if she wasn't moderating.

Take these people with a grain of salt and laugh them off. It still hurts when they make light of your accomplishments, but it's mostly jealousy or a lack of confidence in themselves that they're trying to make feel better. I take great pleasure in knowing I'm doing good and it bothers them so much they feel the need to try and make me feel bad.

Of course, eating in moderation is now my private little catch phrase that makes me laugh whenever I think about it.

WhitePicketFences
04-07-2009, 11:19 AM
Roommate sounds immature and self-absorbed. This doesn't make her a bad person, but it probably makes her really annoying :-) Is she very young? I feel like I would've said stuff like that once upon a time, and not even be thinking of you at all, just me, me, me!

kaplods
04-07-2009, 12:00 PM
As my husband has said,

If you can't trust a friend to tell you when you're being a jerk, who can you trust do do it - and a friend will do it without giving you more than one black eye.

Now, I've been very lucky to both have and be the kind of friends who can do it without giving or receiving any bruises.

Still, nothing hits home faster, showing that you've said something stupid
as a friend (or a stranger, for that matter) saying "I forgive you for saying that."

sacha
04-07-2009, 12:28 PM
I had a "friend" like that - my best "friend" for 15+ years. She was 5'7, 115lbs, natural D chest (I'm a tiny B and I was around 155-160lbs at the time) and she constantly complained that she was fat and flat (!). Fishing for compliments.

I dumped her. Stopped talking to her and haven't given her the time of day in 3-4 years. It's ok to dump a "friend". Life is too short to listen to self-absorbed people. You teach others how to treat you.

harrismm
04-07-2009, 12:36 PM
I agree with Sasha.Sometimes relationships with certain people are toxic and exhausting.But when you are in the middle of it, its hard to understand this.Only when you finally say goodbye to them can you understand how bad it was.I have learned to do this.And I am so much happier because of it.

kaplods
04-07-2009, 12:45 PM
You do teach people how to treat you, but dumping every friend who says something insensitive can leave you friendless (and if the tendency to make occasionaly insensitive comments make you ineligible for friend status, most people wouldn't qualify).

People say dumb stuff - almost all people, and mostly it's a matter of the mouth engaging before the brain. You get to choose your friends, by any criteria you wish to, and you get to decide what is forgiveable and what isn't. But whether she remains a friend or not, you don't have to let her issue become yours, unless you choose to.

sacha
04-07-2009, 12:49 PM
You do teach people how to treat you, but dumping every friend who says something insensitive can leave you friendless (and if the tendency to make occasionaly insensitive comments make you ineligible for friend status, most people wouldn't qualify).

People say dumb stuff - almost all people, and mostly it's a matter of the mouth engaging before the brain. You get to choose your friends, by any criteria you wish to, and you get to decide what is forgiveable and what isn't. But whether she remains a friend or not, you don't have to let her issue become yours, unless you choose to.

Fair enough, I should note that my "friend" was an extreme example, I gave her 3-5 chances to stop her selfish ways (it was more than just fat comments), and she wouldn't - because she was just a self-absorbed person - that's who she was. So I dumped her.

sacha
04-07-2009, 12:50 PM
I agree with Sasha.Sometimes relationships with certain people are toxic and exhausting.But when you are in the middle of it, its hard to understand this.Only when you finally say goodbye to them can you understand how bad it was.I have learned to do this.And I am so much happier because of it.

Exactly... it's like a bad boyfriend. You are so caught up in the history and the bond that you can't see it for what it really is. Once you finally break free, you look back and wonder why you let it happen

kaplods
04-07-2009, 01:19 PM
Fair enough, I should note that my "friend" was an extreme example, I gave her 3-5 chances to stop her selfish ways (it was more than just fat comments), and she wouldn't - because she was just a self-absorbed person - that's who she was. So I dumped her.

I only suggest restraint here, because any situation someone describes here is always to a degree "out of context." How many "chances" a person should give someone is highly personal, and a lot of variables have to be taken into account. I had a coworker who was constantly angry at someone for being "insensitve," and constantly "dumping" friends, as she had zero tolerance for any comment that could be interpreted as an insult to her (and often it was hard to determine what she found so horrible about something someone had said) -and yet she was one of the most insensitive people I had ever met. Apparently, she had the right to tell everyone exactly what she thought, whether it was nice or not, but anything less than 100% agreement with her at all times was an unforgiveable betrayal.

Also some very otherwise wonderful people have a surprising talent for offending people. Many because they have almost no "edit" function (mine can be faulty at time). My husband is pretty bad (not as bad as his best friend, though). I could probably describe a dozen (heck probably fifty to a hundred if I gave it some thought) conversations that would inspire everyone here to shout "dump him," if I didn't tell the "rest of the story." He is constantly saying very stupid stuff, because he says what he thinks when he thinks it - and sometimes he thinks pretty stupid stuff (what can I say, I love the dumb guy, anyway). Sometimes, even after I explain it to him, he still doesn't understand why what he said could have upset anyone, because "it's the truth." He does, at least try not to make the same mistake twice - but he really doesn't have to, because he makes so many completely original ones.

And yet, he's one of the most generous, loving people on the planet. Even though we're both on disability and a fixed income ourselves, I often have to be the "bad guy" to keep him from giving away everything we own to someone less fortunate. He'll give anyone the shirt off his back (sometimes almost literally - he'll give a friend his last $5). He will do anything for me (to the point that it can be annoying to have him around), even if it isn't reasonable. I was sick yesterday, and he kept offering to run out and get anything I wanted, or make anything I wanted for meals. I finally sent him out for sugar free popsicles, just to be rid of him for a bit so I could get some rest and let him feel useful. He went to the Walmart just to get me sugar free popsicles - and when he got home with them, he apologized that they weren't the "usual" brand we bought, and promised to go out and get "the right ones," from a different store if the ones he bought weren't what I wanted (yeah I was tempted to send him out again, maybe even add a hard-to-find item to keep him gone even longer on a wild goose chase - instead I was honest, and told him the popsicles were fine and that he was starting to "bug me" with the constant checking to make sure I was ok).

Now, my husband's best friend - makes my husband's stupid comments sound brilliant. He's also a good guy - deep down - unfortunately he'll be single forever, because no woman is going to be willing to dig that deep. I tolerate him only because my husband likes him, and because he watches our cat when we go out of town - and as much of a jerk as he can be, he's the only person I can trust to pamper our cat nearly as much as we would.

kittycat40
04-07-2009, 01:31 PM
She sounds veeeery insecure.
I do have one friend who, when I started losing weight, also started a diet. Of course, she was already at a pretty ideal weight. I lost and got fit and my losses were very noticable. Of course, I started out highly overweight, almost a bmi that put me at obese.

She complained to me that I start a diet (I didn't correct her-- it's a "way of eating" for my life) and everyone notices and talks about me, blahblah, and nobody even notices her 5/10 pounds?? I politely, really checked myself, reminded her we had very different starting points and that is why there were different reactions. ;)

Edited to add-- when I started running longer distances, she was clearly competitive with me and I made it clear there were NO similarities because she was SOOOOOO much faster ;) am I a diplomat or a jerk??

WhitePicketFences
04-07-2009, 03:52 PM
Thoughtlessly self-absorbed is one thing, especially in younger girls (I think at some point, myself and all my friends were like this).

Competitive in that almost-hostile way, though, that was always a big bother to me. Still, I suppose a lot of people are like that as well, to a point. Just depends on what your breaking point is.

redlight
04-10-2009, 01:07 AM
Exactly... it's like a bad boyfriend. You are so caught up in the history and the bond that you can't see it for what it really is. Once you finally break free, you look back and wonder why you let it happen

Exactly!

Horo
04-10-2009, 02:18 AM
I've been subjected to similar comments that I always just shrug off as the person being insecure or jealous. Maybe they don't realize what they're doing, but it seems to be in some people's nature to be competitive like that. So, I figure that that's their problem and not mine.

Dianeofnka
04-10-2009, 07:04 PM
I remember when I did a liquid diet 10 years ago and my sister-in-law said, "Oh no, now I'm going to be the fat wife!"

I was so stunned I had no idea what to say to her.

Some of these responses posters are AWESOME -- I want to note a few down to use myself when talking to people.

Lana0
04-14-2009, 11:28 AM
It's simple, she is just jealous. You're doing something that is considered one of the hardest things to do, you're being successful and people around you WILL be jealous. Just take it as a compliment of your hard efforts.

Tomato
04-14-2009, 11:43 AM
Having a roommate is like being in a relationship. Maybe it's time you sat her down and told her that you do not appreciate those comments. Explain it to her nicely but firmly and make sure to use "I" statements but make it clear that you are not going to tolerate it any longer.

est1991
04-14-2009, 11:56 AM
i have a few friends like that. one of my best friends is about 115 lbs and is ALWAYS eating. seriously, always! i can't even imagine eating that much and she NEVER gains a pound. i have another friend that is just plain rude. she says things that just make me want to knock her out and she walks away like she never said a thing. i don't really like to call her a friend but i'm to nice to be rude to her. i just ignore them. my family also sometimes make comments about my weight and what i eat. my dad always does it in the nicest way possible, but my mom always screams it at me and doesn't care if it hurts my feelings. i just ignore all the bad comments and put them out of my mind. i only listen to the people that are actually trying to help me.