I've dropped some weight! But I need some support . . .
I have been losing weight using WW online but it's been hard. Right now I am fighting the urge to binge myself sick. When I feel anxious or depressed I go to my old, best friend - food.
I'm having a lot of health issues right now, also. My asthma is getting so bad that people think my deep breaths are some weird show of impatience! I can't sleep at night, wearing my CPAP is not working. Hearing loss problems. Menopause symptoms. Migraines. I'm having so much fun
Anyways, the matter on my mind right now is self-esteem. I really feel ashamed of myself because I've left myself get this big. When I am in a public place, such as the grocery or video store, I notice that men avoid my gaze. It is like they are afraid that if they notice me I'll talk to them and it would be too embarrassing to be seen talking to a fat lady! I remember being slender and men would either smile or nod or something! Now I feel like a big pariah. Kinda like being the outcast kid at school even though I'm almost fifty years old.
It would be nice if I could accept myself as a worthy human being instead of waiting to be thin to do that. The manager of our group at work is quite repulsed by fat women (I've heard him make comments about other gals at work before I was so big). He makes little snide comments under his breath. I know he's just a mean little jerk but I feel horrible when I'm around him.
Anybody have advice on how to hold my head up? I've read a lot of really cool stuff on this board and I know there are a lot of smart, caring people out there!
Congratulations, first of all, on losing that weight! You should be so proud of yourself for deciding to change your life and take control of your weight and the problems it is causing you. Reading your post makes my heart ache. You should never feel like people are avoiding you or like you are not worthy of any attention. I've felt like that a time or two. No matter how comfortable I am feeling with myself, one person gives me a weird look or one person avoids me and my self esteem is lower then a snakes stomach.
I am very proud of you and all you've done and you should be too. Tell yourself and anyone else who will listen how brave and smart you are for deciding to take control of your life!
I understand your feelings, although they've kind of lost their sting for me these days. I suspect that's because I've accepted that others will find me unpleasant to look at, and that's rather unhealthy in itself.
On good days though, I remember the fact that most people really aren't looking at me and judging me, the majority of people in this world are oblivious to everyone apart from themselves. Honestly.
That and I'm beginning to feel more involved in my weightloss process; it's like because I'm concentrating so hard on counting calories, making healthy choices, adding in a bit of exercise, that other people are beginning to recede way to the periphery of my mental vision, and I'm feeling a fascination for and a care for my body I haven't had in 50+ years. That helps, it helps knowing that I'm in a programme that's working, never as fast as I'd like but hey; and if it's working, then all I have to do is be patient, and I'll get the result I'm after. Knowing the logic of that helps.
And finally, when I come across skinks like your manager my (unspoken) comment is: I may be fat but I can lose weight: you're stuck with your vile personality.
First of all, when I read your post I felt really sad (I can relate) and I must admit I pictured a very very large woman. You are not! Your weight to your height may not mean that you are model thin, but you are by no means huge! As with so many of these things it's something that's in your head.
I wholeheartedly second what Ailidh said, it's so very spot on!
"And finally, when I come across skinks like your manager my (unspoken) comment is: I may be fat but I can lose weight: you're stuck with your vile personality."
A friend of mine used to have a keyring saying " I'm fat, you're ugly. I can diet". It made me giggle a little at the time, but there sure is truth to it. Ugliness can go deeper than just being about looks.
Just remember that you are never alone! For any bad feelings and self negativity you feel, remember that there are so many of us that have gone through or are going through the same thing. You are not a pariah but a strong woman, just look at what you have accomplished!
Keep up your ww plan, to improve your health and feel happy with yourself, but don't let little pricks like your manager take away your hard work from you by making you feel like you aren't a success, cause you are!
First of all congrats on the losses so far! yay! Secondly, i LOVE thaty you're so tall !!!! hopefully your little misogynist jerk boss has to look UP at you hehehe i love that!!! Thirdly and I could be wrong - i often am - I don't think self esteem is necessarily tied to being thin! I know lots of skinny pretty gorgeous girls whose self esteem is in the toilet ~ so i really think the confidence and grace to hold your head high comes within you no matter what size. Personally, I've always looked people in the eye & smiled, and I have to say, man or woman, 99% always look back and smile! it seems the volume has increased as I've gotten older -- young guys love me! I mean, what could be safer??? a nice chubby lady who could be their mom, but young enough to still be fun LOL so I guess my point (and i do have one lol) is that working on self esteem is one thing, and working on weight loss is another thing -- i'm not saying they're mutually exclusive, but even BIG GIRLS can have confidence and feel they're WORTH IT which in turn makes losing weight easier...wow did that make any sense????
I feel awful that you are feeling so bad. I have felt exactly as you. You have to know that YOU are worth the effort to get healthy. It is not about being thin but getting healthy. I have discovered that when I felt the worst about myself I walked with my head down and looked depressed and people did avoid me. Now that I feel like I am taking control of my life there is a spring in my step, I hold my head up and people do notice and smile! And I have a long way to go!!! So...YOU are worth it! YOU are wonderful!! And your boss is someone to feel sorry for. Peon!!!
I've dropped some weight! But I need some support . . .
- I don't think self esteem is necessarily tied to being thin! I know lots of skinny pretty gorgeous girls whose self esteem is in the toilet ~ so i really think the confidence and grace to hold your head high comes within you no matter what size. Personally, I've always looked people in the eye & smiled, and I have to say, man or woman, 99% always look back and smile! it seems the volume has increased as I've gotten older -- young guys love me! I mean, what could be safer??? a nice chubby lady who could be their mom, but young enough to still be fun LOL so I guess my point (and i do have one lol) is that working on self esteem is one thing, and working on weight loss is another thing -- i'm not saying they're mutually exclusive, but even BIG GIRLS can have confidence and feel they're WORTH IT which in turn makes losing weight easier...wow did that make any sense????
