30-Somethings - Weight and love/relationship fears?




skinnychicagogirl
04-01-2009, 01:24 AM
Hello all,

I have had some good quality alone time the past few weeks and done a lot of thinking and reflecting.... on life, love, weight and how they are all interconnected.

I am single, and totally OK with that. Or at least that's what I say... I am trying to figure this all out and wondering if any of you share this?

Basically... I have had a few solid relationships but they are never right. And I would definitely reather be single than with the wrong man. However, I have found that I gravitate for the wrong guys all too often... and walk away from the right ones... I do know a big reason is b/c I lost my father when I was young and have lingering fear of loss issues... however, I also think sometimes I use my weight as an excuse as to why I am not in a relationship... I find myself saying to myself things like..."I'm losing weight so I can find the love of my life" or "whhen I'm skinny, I'll feel sexy and then I'll find him".

So, I have been thinking... do I use my weight as a shield to protect myself from being abandoned/hurt/shield me from loss? And what if I do reach goal and still don't find him? Or still can't let him in?

I am afraid of and love male attention all in one at the same time... I love the feeling of male attention, but sometimes I get very uncomfortable when I feel like men are looking at me/checking me out... Sometimes I love feeling sexy and others I feel paranoid, unsexy and unworthy of being checked out.

Am I crazy?

I would think that at my age I would have this figured out... UGH.

Does anyone else feel this way?

And then there is this part of me who says WHO CARES WHAT MEN THINK? I am smart, successful, own my own car and my own house, have a great job, am getting my graduate degree while working full time... I am clearly successful, worthy... who the heck cares if I have male validation? You know what, I DO - and I HATE THAT I DO!!!


SweetScrumptious
04-01-2009, 01:34 AM
I have a similar story. I was very self confident (still am but not to the same extent) but wanted to date. I guess the only way I felt comfortable finding a guy was online dating. I had pictures on there but you know how you can angle the camera so you can appear slimmer, well I did that. So if I guy wanted to meet I'd play the whole "oh I'm sorta fat so.... yah". Well, that motive didn't work as I did go out and meet those guys but it just never worked out. One day, I said screw it! I went out and met a guy and didn't even say "oh by the way, this is what I really looked like". We have been dating for over a year!

My point? I guess it's the old saying "you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you". My other point, men can pick up on your confidence level and believe me, most of them are attractive to high self esteem than those who are not.

And look at your last paragraph - look at all those amazing things about yourself! I'm just gonna say here that you need to go ahead and say "screw it" and start loving yourself. Go out and make yourself pretty, have a bubble bath, etc. etc. and I'm sure one guy will just fall on your lap. They usually do when your not looking!

Hope this helps somewhat.

skinnychicagogirl
04-01-2009, 01:40 AM
Thanks! I am working on that - the loving mysel fthing! It's hard, but yes, I can definitely do it. Positive self affirmations!!!

What I struggle with, still, is using my weight as a shield/excuse not to get involved. Why am I so scared? UGH. Hiding behind the 15-20 extra pounds I have carried around since my dad passed is not doing anybody, myself especially, any good!


SweetScrumptious
04-01-2009, 04:15 AM
Have you tried counseling of any sorts?

It seems to me that there is a bigger root to your problem, as you said yourself a few times in this thread; you "shield" yourself with your extra weight so you can "protect". Why do you feel that you need to do this? I think your emotional fear has taken over you and once you have found out what this fear is, you can work on overcoming it and it will be the next step in this journey for you.

LBH
04-01-2009, 12:08 PM
Just wanted to give you some :hug: :hug: :hug:

Grace73
04-03-2009, 07:39 PM
Oh I think every woman feels that way.. .no matter whats their weight..
i always did.. Seemed like the time i said. Oh whatever... is the time I met my husband..
Now i am about 30 lbs lighter and falling since we got together and at least now i know.. he will love me Thick or thin!
LOL..
ithink i still got about 20-25 lbs. before i feel confident..
i always feellike im the one. everyone stare at.. you know..
but doenst really stop me from doing much..

You get out there. show the world what a beautiful person you are!

JacobnJalynsMommy
04-04-2009, 07:34 PM
I felt the exact same way, and had for many years. Someone recommended the book "Self Love" to me, and I must say, it has helped me quite a bit. Just a suggestion.. :o) I hope you find what you are truly looking for.

Thighs Be Gone
04-04-2009, 07:39 PM
I am very much trying to get to that comfortable place ya'll are talking about..I want it so badly..my husband is making me feel very, very uncomfortable with it though....arrrghh..I know this is a total vent and I am sorry for that....I shielded myself with fat for so long I don't even know who I am sometimes now...every time I start feeling good something happens to knock me right back off balance again...I want to feel pretty and look pretty..I have worked my tailend off for it but I don't want to feel uncomfortable anymore..

Devsmama
04-05-2009, 08:23 AM
I know exactly where you are. Relationships are hard and right now I can only manage one hard thing at a time. So I'm picking me over a relationship or dating right now. I am (was?) dating someone but last night I realized that it isn't going the way I think it should be and I am not happy in it. I love myself too much to let anyone make me feel unimportant. So, for right now I am giving it up (or at least slowing it WAAAYY down). I have things to focus on other than him and me.....So, the gym is who I'm dating right now.

BoJo
04-05-2009, 10:09 AM
Does anyone else feel this way?

And then there is this part of me who says WHO CARES WHAT MEN THINK? I am smart, successful, own my own car and my own house, have a great job, am getting my graduate degree while working full time... I am clearly successful, worthy... who the heck cares if I have male validation? You know what, I DO - and I HATE THAT I DO!!!



Of course you care - its a curse. We all care. Don't hate that you care. It's part of who you are. No, you don't need male validation, but dang, it sure does feel good doesn't it? That need to feel valued and loved is innate in all of us.

Yeah, you are shielding, but I see it as not wanting to leave yourself vulnerable. Definitely a trust issue to discuss with a professional.

Focus on your own validation! You ARE successful! You ARE a home owner! You ARE living a healthy lifestyle! You ARE an educated, upwardly mobile woman who can stand on her own!

There's nothing wrong with wanting to share that with someone else! You are growing and changing and becoming a better person just by evaluating this area of your life. Recognizing your emotional needs is very important. Keep at it - you'll get there and you'll find the right person when you do!

In the meantime - revel in the joy that is you! :dancer:

BoJo
04-05-2009, 10:20 AM
I am very much trying to get to that comfortable place ya'll are talking about..I want it so badly..my husband is making me feel very, very uncomfortable with it though....arrrghh..I know this is a total vent and I am sorry for that....I shielded myself with fat for so long I don't even know who I am sometimes now...every time I start feeling good something happens to knock me right back off balance again...I want to feel pretty and look pretty..I have worked my tailend off for it but I don't want to feel uncomfortable anymore..


There's a book a very dear friend of mine recommended and I found it to be wonderful. It's called 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach. She's a psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher.

While I am not Buddhist, I do think her words, mental challenges and exercises in the book are very helpful and lead you to understanding that accepting yourself does not mean you are self-centered. It is simply being comfortable in your own skin.

Another book that helped me was called 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' by David Burns, M.D. Again it has exercises and things to do to retrain your thinking to a positive rather than negative mode. I didn't make it completely through the book yet because I got to a place that was difficult on a very personal level and had to take a break. I do think the book is excellent though and if you go online there is a workbook for it now too.

I read a lot so my recommendations may tend to be more book centered than people centered, but that's my chosen path. I'm sure a cognitive behavior therapist or meditation counselor would follow similar routes if you prefer people centered approach.

:book2:

bindersbee
04-07-2009, 05:12 PM
Men are attracted to confidence more than a hot bod- at least men worth having are. The point in my life when I dated the most was NOT when I was the thinnest but rather when I realized what an awesome catch I was! It seemed like once I figured it out, so did men. Put yourself in places where you might meet great guys. Let your friends know you'd consider set up dates (those are great because you are expecting disaster so anything better than that is a plus).

I think you are over-analyizing it and getting analysis paralysis.

Hyacinth
04-07-2009, 11:16 PM
I, too, am single and have a fairly pulled-together life. I've wondered about the correlation with that, too. I wonder if it's maybe not a matter of pushing them away, but them being intimidated? I also realize that the more success I create for myself, the less I am dependent on someone else to offer happiness.

angel2be
04-11-2009, 11:54 PM
When I was 16 by boyfriend at the time said something quite wise to me. I was jealous of my friend who was always so skinny, very popular and I was always comparing myself to her. At the time I was not heavily overweight but around a size 12-14 AUS.

Anyway, he said to me that although she was attractive at first, looking deeper there wasn't much else of substance. Where as with me, I was more sensual and once you did look at me and how I moved, she was no longer the more attractive one.

Quite profound for a 16 year old boy but nonetheless it has stayed with me for ages. I think men can be a little more in depth than we give them credit for.

I don't think that the weight is the connecting dot as you said but rather your confidence is. The weight is just a symptom of your lack of confidence. Build your confidence and be comfortable for being you, skinny or overweight, and you will find love and companionship.

grneyedmustang
04-12-2009, 10:05 AM
I, too, am single and have a fairly pulled-together life. I've wondered about the correlation with that, too. I wonder if it's maybe not a matter of pushing them away, but them being intimidated? I also realize that the more success I create for myself, the less I am dependent on someone else to offer happiness.

This would be me. I go back and forth between my self esteem issues (somedays it's great! Other days, not so much) - and thinking that maybe men are sometimes intimidated by me - aside from the fact that I'm tall, I've also done fairly well in my life. A few of the guys that work for me have told me that men are often very intimidated by successful women.

And I see you're tall too...hmmmm ;)

skinnychicagogirl
04-14-2009, 11:26 PM
I totally hear you on the intimidation thing... I have been told that too. It's funny... I don't recognize it and am not confident as I should and could be, but yet I intimidate people? Ironic! My uncle once told me, right after I got into a great grad school, "you got too successful! Men are going to be scared of you - you're too good... too beautiful, too smart, and now too successful."

Men.


And angel2be, you are SOOOOO right when you say:
"I don't think that the weight is the connecting dot as you said but rather your confidence is. The weight is just a symptom of your lack of confidence. Build your confidence and be comfortable for being you, skinny or overweight, and you will find love and companionship."

I think I sometimes sabotage myself when I get close to shedding this weight - I get more attention from men, I freak out, and then I eat.

Devsmama
04-15-2009, 11:16 AM
I totally hear you on the intimidation thing... I have been told that too. It's funny... I don't recognize it and am not confident as I should and could be, but yet I intimidate people? Ironic! My uncle once told me, right after I got into a great grad school, "you got too successful! Men are going to be scared of you - you're too good... too beautiful, too smart, and now too successful."

Men.


And angel2be, you are SOOOOO right when you say:
"I don't think that the weight is the connecting dot as you said but rather your confidence is. The weight is just a symptom of your lack of confidence. Build your confidence and be comfortable for being you, skinny or overweight, and you will find love and companionship."

I think I sometimes sabotage myself when I get close to shedding this weight - I get more attention from men, I freak out, and then I eat.

I think you have written my book...lol... This is me! I am successful and I have been told by all 6 of brothers that I have gotten too successful and men are intimidated by my success...And then, just like you, I lose, sabotage and eat...lol..wow!! What is that all about? I don't know, but I'm done doing that. While I am working on my weight, I will be working on my confidence.

bitetoobreakkskin
04-15-2009, 11:32 AM
wow-im with you all on this one-i am married to a WONDERFUL man...he is constantly telling me im beautiful etc etc...but when he touches my stomach, or my leg..i just feel so awkward-its because he doesnt see what i see..i know that, but i still cant help but feeling like deep in the back of his mind he really thinks im "fat"...i dunno, but it hurts the relationship because it just doesnt flow right. things will get better-you keep working on you-and give yourself a hug and a kiss each morning :) you rock!

losingnyc
04-17-2009, 08:51 AM
Thanks for posting this thread - I can totally relate to what everyone says here. My life is very together except for my weight and lack of relationship. People have said to me that they cant understand how I am successful in other areas of my life but can't get past the weight. I think the weight is related to lack of confidence which also drives my inability to risk myself in a relationship. Work, etc was always easier for me so I threw myself into that and really developed myself in those areas.

Does anyone have any suggestions for improving self-esteem? Books etc?

Devsmama
04-17-2009, 09:01 AM
I think confidence will come when we decide we're worth it. Losing weight is part of building confidence, at least for me because it is the only thing in my life I haven't been able to conquer. But here I am facing it head on and in the process discovering what is so special about me and why I am a great catch. It's a daily process, its hard, but I am making some headway without books, just being honest with me, dissecting my life, attitude, and behaviors. I confront what I don't like about myself and deal with it...

grneyedmustang
04-17-2009, 10:54 AM
I think confidence will come when we decide we're worth it. Losing weight is part of building confidence, at least for me because it is the only thing in my life I haven't been able to conquer. But here I am facing it head on and in the process discovering what is so special about me and why I am a great catch. It's a daily process, its hard, but I am making some headway without books, just being honest with me, dissecting my life, attitude, and behaviors. I confront what I don't like about myself and deal with it...

It's interesting that you bring this up. My friend and I were having a conversation about the "ideal" man last night, and one of the things that I've noticed, is that I am attracted to guys who are self-reflective and try to work on constantly making themselves better. I think that one of the areas I've grown in over the years is trying to improve in various areas/personality traits in my life, and I've noticed that a few of the guys I've dated in the past weren't quite there mentally.

I don't have any book recommendations off the top of my head, but one of the things I've had to do was turn the negative tape off in my head (if that makes sense). You know, the tape that says "you could have done this better, you look so fat today", over and over again, if you let it.

Smiling_Sara
06-09-2009, 11:03 AM
I suffer from being terrified of love. I'm the shy, always the friend, never the girlfriend. It's just what I've known. It really is sad. I've had guys come onto me, and I find them attractive as well, but something inside says run away. Because of this, I'm 30, and can honestly say I've never had an actual boyfriend or romantic relationship with a guy. I keep telling myself as soon as I hit "X" amount of weight lost, I will try again, but truth is, I don't know if I ever will be. The idea of a guy liking me makes me uncomfortable as well. It's almost like a clam up and freeze. I've even had ppl say they want to set me up with so and so, and I just say "right now my boyfriend is the gym, I'm just concentrating on myself right now"

I ALWAYS thought by this time in my life, I'd be settled down with a couple of kiddo's, and now I'm not sure if I'll even have the chance to live that dream.

Devsmama
06-11-2009, 09:32 AM
Born don't say that, that makes me sad! I don't know what the answer is, ****, I have commitment issues, but we deserve to have someone special.

Smiling_Sara
06-20-2009, 08:51 PM
Born don't say that, that makes me sad! I don't know what the answer is, ****, I have commitment issues, but we deserve to have someone special.


I *know* I deserve someone special. I just don't know if it will happen for me. As the years pass, it just seems less and less likely. If it does happen, it'd be wonderful, but if it doesn't, I have to learn to be at peace with that. I know that it will be easier if I have more self confidence, which I try to work on daily.
:)

Violin Jenn
06-21-2009, 05:03 PM
Hi Ladies! :wave:

I'm a member of this club too. For me I've recently learned that the connecting dot is confidence. Sure I'm never gonna be a fitness model, I'll end up with saggy skin and cottege cheese thighs, but there is soooo much MORE too me than that!

I recently watched a show on cable that helped me alot. Have any of you ladies seen Ruby? The episode I saw whe was celebrating losing 90lbs. She still has a long way to go(she was over 400lbs I believe when she started) but she was so happy, excited and full of life! She reminded me that I need to celebrate the small successes. She's slowly giving me back my confidence. Only then will "My Prince" enter my life. I'm close though. I'm now excited about life and just want to smile all the time. So even though I'm extremely shy, I'll now talk to someone who approaches me.

A baby step forward, but a step forward.

We have to remind ourselves though, that if a man doesn't want to be with us because to him we aren't thin enough yet or have saggy skin, then he needs to keep walkin! WE DESERVE BETTER! Changing our lifestyles like we are, is definately intimadating to them I think.

rachinma
06-25-2009, 12:35 PM
I've always had personal and body confidence, even when I was much more overweight than I am now. I don't know, but for some reason, I have always been comfortable with my sexuality and realize that it comes from within, not what's on the outside. I never had any trouble attracting men.

Lately, I've been feeling less good about myself. My marriage is in trouble and I have lots of anxiety and unresolved feelings. I try to remember that my marital problems have nothing to do with my body and my body should have no effect on my overall confidence.

That said, I am going to get back to the gym with my trainer for 8-weeks, even though we can't really afford. it. I know it makes me feel better when I'm exercising regularly and feel better about myself when I see my body changing.