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moonkissed
03-22-2009, 05:10 PM
This isn't about weight loss but I just need to vent. I am in tears and so upset and furious right now.

My husband is friends with his ex girlfriend. I don't think I am insane to not really like that. I think almost any woman would be uncool with that.

She was his first serious girlfriend. He was 16 and she was in her 20's... She pretty much used him to make herself feel better and then broke his heart. But kept him in her life. Whenever she was feeling depressed or sad or fighting with her boyfriend she would call him or talk to him online and once she felt better would stop talking to him for a few months to half a year. Only coming back when she needed him again. She is also flirty and one of those girls who is always telling everyone how much she loves them and such.

I tried to be the understanding girlfriend besides that. I don't have great self-confidence and I am a very jealous person. He says she is just a friend now and wants to stay in touch, they were friends before they dated and he really values the friendship he says. So I tried so so very hard to be understanding and not be that girlfriend who tells him no you can't talk to her.

But it just ended up eating away at me. I hated it and no matter how much I tried it just hurt me and made me worry and jealous. And then things got really bad...

He being an idiot and not wanting to make me upset decided to start hiding it from me... He was being sneaky talking to her. and that made it all so much worse. After much fighting I just told him I couldn't deal with it and he said he would stop talking to her.

He did for a while and then like usual she was having problems and contacted him and they began talking again. It was really bad with him sneaking it. He would get text messages all the time and delete them, he would get IMs on his computer and close them if I came over, etc... obviously I am a smart girl and can tell he was talking to her and I confronted him and we fought alot more. I found out that when we had gotten married he never told her he got married. Which is just odd huh? He said he didn't wanna rub her nose in his happiness because her and her fiance just broke up like 3-6 months before we got married.

I told him he had to then stop talking to her for good or I was gone because I couldn't deal with this and it was hurting our relationship. He told me he promised that he would stop. and maybe a few weeks to a month later he was talking to her again!! He lied to me. He broke my heart and any trust I had right then.

I was ready to leave and he promised again that he woudl really stop talking to her this time and that he loved me and wanted me over her friendship.

Well that was maybe a half a year ago or so. And we got into a big fight about something else and I don't know why but I just asked him if he was still talking to her. I was like why as soon as u get home do you check your e-mail when I know no one else e-mails him except about bills and it just doesn't make ppl wanna check it so much... So he says yes the other day she texted him when he had the phone which is weird because I almost always have the phone so she just happened to text him when he had it?? and he says he went and checked out her facebook because he wanted to see how she was doing??

I just feel like i hit a brick wall. On top of all that he accuses me of snooping to know that he was talking to her which I really didn't, idk maybe i am psychic lol but I didn't snoop and it makes me wonder what I was supposed to be snooping through? Is he lying to me and he did something else that he isn't telling me about that i might have seen?

No yes in the past i have snooped. I read a box of old letters she sent him that he had kept and I read his e-mails before. I told him that I did it. I never lied to him about any of it. I am very insecure, and that doesn't make up for what I did but at the same time if he stopped hiding things from me... Every single relationship in my family has ended in divorce and/or people cheating. I don't really have alot of trust :( It is very difficult for me.

I am just so upset and confused about what to do. I feel like he just doesn't get it no matter how much I try to talk to him about it. Even if I try my best to be understanding with it I am always gonna wonder in the back of my mind and that is just gonna hurt our relationship. He says they are just friends and nothing more, though while I don't think he would go to her I do think she would jump at the chance to get back with him. and I am jealous of their friendship even. Before when he was talking to her, he would come home and right away start texting her or talking to her online about something when he wasn't even talking to me or opening up to me at all.

and now she just texted him but i had the phone and was so stupid and texted her back that I would really like it if she would just stop talking to my husband. kay? thanks.

I am sure she just e-mailed him to tell him that too now ugh. She doesn't live in the same town- thank god but is only like an hour or two drive away.

I don't know what to do :( I am having enough stress in my life and in our relationship that we don't need this on top of it all. why does it have to be so hard?

:( if you read all that thank you for listening to me vent lol


zenor77
03-22-2009, 05:40 PM
Maybe it'd be a good idea to go to couples counseling. Marriage isn't easy for anyone and sometimes an outside perspective can be beneficial to everyone.

NicoleeOlee
03-22-2009, 05:45 PM
Sorry to hear what a rough time you are having. :( I totally understand where you are coming from. I went through a very similar situation with my husband just before we got married and just after. When i met him he was trying to keep a friendship with his very recent ex. It became such a sore spot for us (still is for me somedays) It nearly broke us up. He would end the friendship and it would be fine for 3 months then she would reappear. My husband wouldnt tell me because he didnt want us to fight about it. I'd find out after a little bit and all trust is gone.
It took the end of that friendship, so much time and talking to get past this in our relationship. I still have a hard time with it on my insecure days ~ i try not to take it out on my husband. We have an amazing relationship now and i wouldnt trade him for the world but there was a time when it came down to her or me and i was fully prepared to walk away. My husband didnt fully understand (i still wonder how much he can without going through it) what he had put us through, put me through by just carrying on this relationship. He has some idea now but it has been more than a year of no contact with her.
I am sorry you are going through this. I really dont have much advice to offer except communicate with your husband as much as possible. How much would he like you to have a secertive relationship with an ex boyfriend?
Sadly your husband will see what effect this is having on your marriage when he is ready to see it. Hope sharing my story has you feeling a little less alone. Good Luck:) I hope things look up for you soon.:hug:


joyra
03-22-2009, 05:50 PM
I agree with zenor, maybe counseling is the way to go. You sound like you want your marriage to work and your husband hasn't let you leave yet. Maybe getting a 3rd party to facilitate some conversation about this woman and why she is so important to your husband.

Sneakiness and lies is not okay in my book. I've never been married but I just can't see how a relationship can be healthy when that's going on.

angela105
03-22-2009, 05:52 PM
Oh, my heart just goes out to you. Your husband is not giving you the respect that you deserve. That girl is like an addiction to him, and he needs to break clean of her if he is to have a decent solid marriage with you or anyone. I second the couples counseling, although having been in a similar situation before, it is definitely hard to regain trust once it has been broken. He needs to figure out what is more important to him, his marriage or his infatuation with this woman. You need to realize that you are not to blame here, nor are you psycho! Your concerns are valid and you have the right to be upset. There might be more than meets the eye here. I wish you much luck in figuring this out, and please do not sell yourself short here. You deserve so much more than your husband is giving you.

(((hugs))))

Angela

nitenurse
03-22-2009, 05:57 PM
insecurities and jealousy will ruin a relationship.

angela105
03-22-2009, 06:09 PM
wow, nitenurse. That was pretty insensitive. Her husband isn't exactly the model husband. Keeping in such close contact with an ex is not a good thing, especially when you have lied to your wife about it and promised to stop several times. She has a right to be upset and suspicious of his behavior.

nelie
03-22-2009, 06:39 PM
You two need to go to counseling. This ex is validating something for your husband, perhaps he still has some feelings for her, perhaps she makes him feel needed, etc. It is hurting your relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't put up being lied to. You should be able to trust your husband and from what it sounds like, he has lost your trust.

Thighs Be Gone
03-22-2009, 06:45 PM
Ooohhh. Wow. Heavy stuff. I smell something very, very fishy.

I will only say to go with your gut. It doesn't usually lie. In fact, mine never has.

There are also some ways to give yourself some peace of mind. A keystroke logger on the computer or a tracker underneath his car for a few days would be my weapons of choice. There is also a device you can put onto a cell phone that allows you to see where the person goes during the day simply by loggin into a website. You could also check cell records. Would he use a tollway when if he is seeing her? You can also check tollway use frequency as well as time of day the tolls were used.

He doesn't ever have to know about you checking up and if it turns out to be nothing, great. If it does, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

harrismm
03-22-2009, 08:08 PM
i agree, if you are suspicious, you most likely have a reason to be.Sorry.

ringmaster
03-22-2009, 08:24 PM
so sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through something similar with an ex and know how much it hurts and how confusing things can get. If you already tried talking to him and weren't married I would honestly just say leave.

You are his wife and should be his best friend, the one he talks to first when he gets home (not checking emails from an ex), so he should listen to some of your needs and how you are feeling and try to find an agreement that would make both of you happy. I would go with counseling if you can afford it and he's up to it (atleast he would be showing he cares to make things work with you).

:hug: hope everything works out for you and keep taking care of yourself!

nitenurse
03-22-2009, 08:35 PM
angela105 i wasnt being insensitive, i was just making a comment, i know from my experience that jealousy and insecurities will ruin a relationship. my ex husband was jealous and couldnt deal with me talking to an ex..all that did was make me want to do it more. If he hadnt been so insecure with himself he would have understood that ex"s can be friends.

EZMONEY
03-22-2009, 08:41 PM
ex's can be friends....

my ex-wife and I are great friends....she is also friends with my wife...

that doesn't sound like that is what is going on here!

If I upset my wife by talking to any women I sure hope I would STOP!

kaplods
03-22-2009, 09:24 PM
There are a lot of potential issues going on here, so many, that counseling seems the wisest course of action. Not only couple's counseling, but individual counseling as well. Not to play armchair analyst, but that your husband was a teenager and the ex an adult when they were together, concerns me. The relationship was inappropriate and illegal, and her responsibility as the adult. Often when children and teens (male or female) are enticed into an inappropriate relationship with an adult, it can create a disfunctional, but extremely strong attachment bond for the child, that can endure for years. I'm not saying this is true of your husband, but the possibility is there. That doesn't mean he's a child and not responsible for his actions or feelings, but it's quite possible that he has a strong disfunctional bond to her, that he may not fully understand. A counselor could help him see that the relationship was and is disfunctional.

This is a separate issue from your jealousy and lack of trust. Generally distrustful behavior, can be damaging, whether or not "evidence" of betrayal exists or is found. Whether or not you find evidence of cheating, snooping tends to be self-reinforcing. If you find "nothing," you are rewarded for snooping (or inspired to snoop "deeper"), and if you find "evidence" you are given proof that snooping was valid.

Your husband's "baggage" is his relationship with his ex. Your's is knowing when and how to trust (not only the people in your life, but your own instincts as well).

All of this, is guessing on my part. This situation is far too complex for anyone to assess, or give valid input in this kind of forum, but there are a lot of signs that indicate that individual and couple's counseling would be the most likely source of help.

Windchime
03-22-2009, 09:41 PM
ex's can be friends....

my ex-wife and I are great friends....she is also friends with my wife...

that doesn't sound like that is what is going on here!



Exactly. If the husband and the ex GF are truly "just friends", then there is nothing to hide. She would be friends with them as a married couple, not just keeping a secretive friendship with someone's husband. I'm a big believer in trusting instinct. Having said that, counseling could prove to be extremely helpful in this situation. If he won't go, go by yourself and get some professional, neutral insight into this situation.

I wish you all the best.

flatiron
03-22-2009, 10:03 PM
First off not to be insensitive to your plight but I take offense at the title of your post "Men Suck!!" "Men" don't suck .... your problem is with ONE man.

A man who KNOWS that something he is doing is causing marital disharmony within the marriage and yet continues with that action. This should tell you something. Like others have said both of you could use marital counseling.

My wife ran off when our daughter was 9 years old leaving me to raise her myself. We never heard from her or got one dime of support until my daughter was 17. Based on this experience I would NEVER say all women suck!!

I realize that you are hurt and sometimes people say things they don't mean but you should know that there are men on this forum too and we deserve to be respected just as you are. :(

junebug41
03-22-2009, 10:25 PM
She sounds awfully persistant. I would like to think that if a male friend's SO was that uncomfortable with my friendship then I would be respectful enough to step aside. It's also disconcerting that your husband seems so hellbent on maintaining this friendship. I can only agree with others and suggest counseling to get to the bottom of it.

moonkissed
03-23-2009, 09:39 AM
Thank you everyone for replying :hug: Counseling seems like a great idea thanks. I will have to find out about getting some for us. I just wish it all wasn't so difficult sigh.

and I really didn't mean all men suck. It was just an aggrovating situation and I was upset. Ofcourse not all men suck, and many women suck aswell. So I do apologize if the title offended.

GradPhase
03-23-2009, 09:51 AM
Kudos to EZs comment. EXACTLY the point.

willow650
03-23-2009, 10:23 AM
Your husband is WRONG WRONG WRONG. No relationship should ever be put above the marriage relationship, period! and so what if you read his emails ect, if he has nothing to hide, he wouldn't care. He gave you the reason not to trust him, you didn't come up with on your own.

ladywinter
03-23-2009, 12:07 PM
I endorse the above message.

My husband has access to my emails and vice versa. If there is nothing to hide there would be no big deal about it. You as his wife, should come first. I would wonder what do they have in common that even makes it a friendship? In most friendships the friend knows the family and everyone does stuff together....that does not sound like the case here. Dating someone does not nor should it, unless children are involved, make you life long pals.

Relationships end for a reason.

gaarmywife2007
03-23-2009, 03:28 PM
Hey--
It is amazing how much we have in common. First of, I have to tell you to be mindful of the amount of stress you are under. Doctors will tell you that stress RAISES your blood sugar levels. In fact, a lot (probably 75%) of people I have spoken to about their diabetes say that they were diagnosed after a period of extreme stress (i.e. relative passing away, spouses sickness).

Having said that, I have to tell you how sorry I am to hear that this is going on, but it is definitely possible to be friends with an ex after the relationship has ended. HOWEVER, that is not what this sounds like to me. I have known my ex since I was 13 years old. And we have a child together. Literally, this man is family. When I met my husband, he had a hard time dealing with it. I suppose he felt that we were so close that, at any moment, I could decide that we had made a mistake by splitting up. In my mind, there was NO way that could happen. But I understood that, if I wanted my relationship with my then-boyfriend to last, I had to be senstive to his feelings and my relationship with my ex had to be completely transparent. Also, I never allowed my ex to disrepect or undermine my current relationship in any way. If my ex had refused to handle things in that manner, out of respect for my husband, I would have ended my friendship.

The bottom line is this: There is absolutely nothing wrong with exs who still associate with each other. There IS something wrong with a man who is willing to hurt his wife over "a friend". The friendship, though uncomfortable for you, was not wrong until he lied about it. At that moment, it became a bigger issue than your insecurity. When you confronted him with the problem he had TWO choices. One: say, "I love you. But this is a friendship that I established long before I met you, and I have to ask you to have faith in us and try to work through it. If it would help, we can all get together and discuss it." (This is what I told my husband) Or two: break it off. There is not a third option to pretend to break it off just to get the wife off your back. What he is doing is wrong and everyone involved needs to question why it is so necessary to keep their relationship a secret.

I agree with other people when they say you need counseling, but beware. In order to fix this situation, everyone involved has to co operate. Both parties have to approach it from a sense of love and respect and committment to the marriage. That is the only way it works. The fact that your husband did not even tell this woman he got married is HIGHLY suspicious.

Also, I have to point out that another of my closest friends is a married man. He wasn't married when we met, and so my friendship was strictly with him -- not his wife. I don't care for his wife, and so that hasn't changed, but I would never do anything that could cause a potential problem in their marriage. I do not talk to him nearly as much as I did before. I call their home phone, not his cell phone if I know he has left work for the day. And I always have a brief conversation with her before I ask to speak to him just so she is aware of my intentions. Also, when they are in town, we have dinner together as two couples. A true friend wouldn't do anything to create tension in another friend's marriage. Clearly, this chick is not to be trusted!

Personally, I have no doubt that my husband would have shown me the door (and rightfully so) if I had pulled half of the stuff your husband seems to be pulling. I would have done the same. But that is a choice every person has to make for themselves. Whatever you choose to do, DO SOMETHING. A relationship like this is not healthy for someone who stuggles with self-esteem and insecurity. Love yourself enough to take some action, because this is NOT ok.

gaarmywife2007
03-23-2009, 03:34 PM
By the way..flatiron, you rock! I'm so sorry for you and your daughter that you couldn't count on your ex. Take a bow....there should be more PEOPLE like you!!!

ringmaster
03-23-2009, 05:14 PM
The bottom line is this: There is absolutely nothing wrong with exs who still associate with each other. There IS something wrong with a man who is willing to hurt his wife over "a friend". The friendship, though uncomfortable for you, was not wrong until he lied about it. At that moment, it became a bigger issue than your insecurity. When you confronted him with the problem he had TWO choices. One: say, "I love you. But this is a friendship that I established long before I met you, and I have to ask you to have faith in us and try to work through it. If it would help, we can all get together and discuss it." (This is what I told my husband) Or two: break it off. There is not a third option to pretend to break it off just to get the wife off your back. What he is doing is wrong and everyone involved needs to question why it is so necessary to keep their relationship a secret.


He lied to her because of her insecurities, maybe if she wasn't so uncomfortable he wouldn't have had to lie? That's what I usually heard.

When's exes remain close friends and that breakup wasn't mutual, I'd feel uncomfortable and I'd be hesitant to enter a relationship with that person just for things that happen like in OP's relationship.

willow650
03-23-2009, 05:27 PM
He lied to her because of her insecurities, maybe if she wasn't so uncomfortable he wouldn't have had to lie? That's what I usually heard.

When's exes remain close friends and that breakup wasn't mutual, I'd feel uncomfortable and I'd be hesitant to enter a relationship with that person just for things that happen like in OP's relationship.

There is NEVER a good excuse to lie to a spouse, especially concerning someone with the opposite sex.

gaarmywife2007
03-23-2009, 06:00 PM
[QUOTE=ringmaster;2667067]He lied to her because of her insecurities, maybe if she wasn't so uncomfortable he wouldn't have had to lie? That's what I usually heard.

Yes. That is the excuse most people who do something they shouldn't give. Is it difficult to handle a situation like this when your partner is unsure of themselves? Yes. Could you be tempted to tell a white lie to avoid a bunch of drama? Absolutely. But you SHOULDN'T. Whatever insecurities a person has will only deepen once they find out -- and they will find out -- that the person they love most has lied to them and gone behind their backs carrying on a relationship they are uncomfortable with. It gives the APPERANCE that there is something to hide, even if there isn't. There is no friendship on Earth worth risking the life my husband and I are building together. I've been in the hot seat before, so I know it can be hard to explain yourself to everyone (because BELIEVE ME, it wasn't just my husband who had raised eyebrows -- his family told him to make sure he wasn't "being blind") but for the health of your marriage and the happiness of your spouse you have to suck it up and do it.

Most people would agree that lying to your spouse is wrong. That's where the statement stops. It's not "lying to your spouse is wrong unless they force you to do it by asking you not to do something because they are insecure." He has to take responsiblity for his actions, and she for hers. Neither can blame wrongdoing on the other. She didn't "make" him lie and he didn't "make" her snoop. The difference is, only one was upfront about what they did.

misspiggy408
03-23-2009, 06:01 PM
and now she just texted him but i had the phone and was so stupid and texted her back that I would really like it if she would just stop talking to my husband. kay? thanks.

Girl, I would have done the SAME thing ... and not because i'm insecure, but because it's not right. Reading your post right now actually got me a little fired up! LOL ... it's one thing to have "girl-FRIENDS" but the fact that he hasn't even told her about you two being married yet kinda throws up a red-flag by itself.

It's hard just to up and leave sometimes, especially being married. But keep your head up girl, and do whatever makes you happy, with or without him :)

Bumbleberry
03-24-2009, 12:49 PM
Of course she has insecurities -- her husband is lying to her and sneaking around. He even lied to his ex about being married (HUGE, HUGE red flag). Who WOULDN'T be "insecure" under the same circumstances?

kaplods
03-24-2009, 01:41 PM
There's a lot of "emotional baggage" that your husband is carrying, because by legal definition, he was sexually abused by this woman. It's not unusual for boys and girls in that situation to become men and women with unnatural attachments to their abusers - and it can be life long. I'm not saying that he isn't responsible for what he's doing, but he may have an unhealthy "addiction" to this woman that is, I'm afraid, almost inevitable in such a situation. He needs to understand that this relationship ISN'T healthy - and I'm not sure he can do that without a counselor. Coming from you as the wife, he'll likely dismiss it just as jealousy, and not see the harm in it for him (whether or not it destroys the marriage, he's still going to be wrapped up in this very disfunctional relationship with her).

It's really not much different than a physical addiction to alcohol and drugs. I suspect, he has a severe emotional addiction to her - and it stems from the fact that he was a child, and she an adult when this "relationship" occurred - but it wasn't a relationship, it was sexual abuse of a child. He doesn't see that now, but perhaps with counseling he will. It is difficult for boys of sexual abuse, because even if they were extremely young when it happened, they tend to believe the relationship was their "choice," because the adult female sex offender tends to allow (and or entice) the young boy in to being the "aggressor," so the boy thinks that he was the one that initiated the relationship, but the fact is an adult woman had the legal and moral responsibility to spurn the advances of a 16 year old boy, whether or not he or she "started it".

Whether or not you decide to stay with him, he needs counseling. Whether he will see and accept that or not, is up to him.

txnikita
03-24-2009, 04:02 PM
Oh my...where to start. I wasn't going to post a reply to this because I am the Queen of jealousy and insecurity.....but all I want to say is that only you and your husband know what is really going on in your relationship. Only the two of you will know how to fix it. I think the biggest thing that can help is communication. You have to communicate to each other not only how you feel but also why you feel that way.

In your heart only you can decide to stay or go in this marriage. I am all for making marriages work but it can't be at the cost of giving up what one believes in.

I have a similar thing going on in my life and my husband is sick of hearing how I feel about it but he listens anyway....I went to therapy on my own since he didn't want to go with me. Even though we didn't get to go to marriage counseling I know it helped me to go on my own. Now I think my husband is seeing more of my side of the 'disagreement' without me even having to say anything. But he had to come to this on his own, I couldn't force it on him, and believe me I tried.

I wish all the luck to you in the world but please let any decisions you make come from your heart and head....not from the advice of friends who may not have the whole picture.....:hug:

squeak351
03-25-2009, 11:17 AM
:hug:

I don't anything to add other than giving you a :hug:.

I do agree that no husband, or wife, should lie to their spouse. It leads to insecuities and jealousy... and it makes you not trust them. I don't hide anything from my husband and he doesn't hide things from me. If I wanted to go through any of his things there would never be a question about it ( same thing goes for my stuff, I have nothing to hide, so why hide it) Counseling defintely and he needs to think about your feelings. You are his wife and should be above his "friend". Sounds like he is protecting his "friend" and hurting his wife.

hope everything works out for you. I don't know if you pray, if you do, remember that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want him to. Pray for patience and understanding and let God take your worries. The hardest part is turning over your worry. Leave everything else to him and he will take care of you.