Alternachicks - Do people try to sabotage your efforts?




bopeep
03-19-2009, 05:21 PM
My mum has always been weird about my weight. She is also passive agressive about it. She does things like comment on my weight, then hand me a piece of pie. She is always mailing me junk food, even though I have asked her not to a million times. When I told her I was taking up belly dancing, she said I 'had lots of belly for it'. :mad:

Last week she said she had a bunch of clothes to send me (she is a compulsive shopper (she has lots of issues...)). They arrived in the mail today. Sizes 16 and 18. I am now a 12/14 and getting thinner, and she knows it. She askes me how the diet is going every freaking time I talk to her.

I really appreciate her sending me boxes of clothes, as I am not exactly rolling in extra cash, but I feel like screaming!!! I called her to say 'thanks' and mentioned that the clothes were nice and I would wear them as soon as I had them adjusted. Nice and diplomatic, right? She was surprised they would need adjusting. :headache:

BP


beerab
03-19-2009, 07:30 PM
Ug sorry you have to deal with that- some mom's just aren't exactly the most helpful. My mom is the type with a comment for EVERYTHING. I can't even drive in the car without her telling me the way to get there- no matter how many times I say "I know how to get there mom."

I think certain tailoring can be just as costly, I'd thank her for the clothes and ask her if she can send you receipts or if you can send them back and get smaller sizes instead of paying to alter them :D

Course next time she might retaliate and send you stuff size 8 so they don't fit lol.

bobbidipity
03-19-2009, 11:32 PM
I too am sorry you're dealing with that ... not sure what to say except that some people just don't seem to get it. I would hate for someone to spend money on shipping me things I'm not going to eat or use, so I'd probably be a bit more brazen in saying that since XXX food doesn't fit my lifestyle or size XXX no longer fits, I wish she'd save herself the time and money. You could ask whether she'd like you to give the clothes back next time you see her or donate them to a charitable organization.

My parents' health issues, which are at least partially weight-induced, are my biggest inspiration for trying to achieve a healthy lifestyle. So I was a bit dismayed this week when my son returned from spending some special time with Grandma and Grandpa with a plate of brownies and a tale about having lunch at an all-you-can eat buffet restaurant. If I didn't take the brownies, my parents would have been (1) hurt and (2) would have eaten them themselves. And my son would've been crushed if I'd gotten rid of the treats he'd so proudly made with Grandma. Ugh.

Also, just last week a coworker who is also working toward a small loss begged me to share a giant cookie with her while we were having lunch at a sandwich shop. I stood my ground, but it's like people want to take you with them when they fall off the wagon.


bopeep
03-20-2009, 01:50 AM
I wish I could get my mum to stop buying stuff I don't want, but telling her not to buy 'whatever', just goes in one ear and out the other. She sees shopping as her hobby. She loves to get a good deal on something - she'll buy the ugliest things you can imagine, just because it's on sale! :?: She knows I don't keep everything she sends me - A couple of times a year I give what I don't want to a women's shelter. (Funny - I told her that that was what I was doing, and she sent me another box of stuff specifically to give to the shelter!). We generally get along, and I don't get mad at her for her behaviour - she has reasons for her weirdness - but it drives me nuts sometimes. I just calmly tell her 'thank you, but I don't wan't pie/I don't want 2 pounds of gummy bears/I can't wear these clothes. And then I vent to DH ;)

beerab - if she sends me some size 8 stuff, I will try my darndest to fit into them and send her a photo!:D I don't know if I will ever make it to size 8, but I'm gonna try!!!

bobbidipity - Boy that was a dilema! Maybe next time he brings back something like that you can freeze them for some future use? I don't know if that would work for me - I love brownies, and if they were in the freezer, I would be thinking about them all the time!

That cookie reminded me of last week - I was meeting a friend from dance class for coffee before the class and she bought me a donut without asking. I was able to wrap it up 'for later' with the excuse that I couldn't possibly eat it before class or I would be sick (the truth). I thanked her, wrapped it up, and tossed it in a trash can on my way home. I felt bad for wasting it, but I am not feeling an urge to fall off the wagon at the moment, so why chance it!

BP

loveDC425
03-20-2009, 02:14 AM
man i feel like this ALL The time with my family- I get told how bad i look, how fat i am and how i will never find a handsome husband if i dont loose weight. and after that disscusion i am being offered all this fatty food that they cook and on TOP of that they are SO insulted if I refuse to eat it. and I wasl ike I THOUGHT you told me to loose weight, and they are always like 'its ok this ONE time." But its NOT ok when every single one of your family members say that, and you have a huge family to visit at different houses. Its so frustrating...

Does anyone have family thats always telling them how bad they look? I feel like 90% of my anxiety and consciousness about my looks is from my parents and family. Theres a black dress my friends tell me I look so good in, and I've def gotten attention from guys in it too, and so i thought itd be safe to wear at home without getting commetns. As soon as my dad saw me he was like OMG you look SOO fat in that, why are you wearing that! And i just wanted to run into the bathroom and CRY! I hate it =( .. and i hate the fact that they think I will not find a good husband because of my weight... its horrible .. =( because i dont want that to feed into my head that i cant find love because of it- i dont want to loose weight for someone else- but those thoughts just keep coming back to my head since its emphazized so much in my family who mean alot to me ..

anyone else having similar issues and how are you dealing with it ?

beerab
03-20-2009, 12:55 PM
Dang love- do you live at home? It seems harsh but I'd just stop visiting if I were you- you don't need that sort of negativity.

Is your family thin? I'd constantly say "wow you are so fat, dad those pants make you look fat, mom that stuff makes you look fat" and if they offer food say "I can't eat that fattening crap- omg that's DISGUSTING food no wonder I'm so fat, if I keep eating that fattening crap I'm gonna stay fat forever!" lol.

Seriously if someone puts me down I turn right around and do the same. My dad told me I was fat all my life, and finally one day I was like well sorry I'm such a big disapointment dad, never mind the fact I have a master's degree, wonderful husband, and so on, all that matters is that I'm fat! Course was like I'm proud of you BUT you should lose weight.... *ARG*

I haven't spoken to my father in years because of all his abuse and my life is the best now- I'm not saying don't speak to your family but seriously it's one of those things where you got to stand up for yourself IMO. Specially if you say "everytime you call me fat it hurts me" and they don't stop.

loveDC425
03-20-2009, 01:39 PM
thanks for the advice beerab-- no i dont live at home actually i live 3 hours away!! but i feel like they just haunt me around in my head! I guess i need to focus on controlling my thoughts in my head and not let their comments influence me... its annoying cuz sometimes i dont even want to loose the weight because once i do loose weight/and or find a man.. they will be like 'if she never lost that weight she would have never found a man, good 4 her" lol. .and i hate that because im not loosing it for someone ! grrr!!!

beerab
03-20-2009, 01:53 PM
haha girl trust me I have known those kind of people! It's just ridiculous, family should lift you up, not bring you down! My husband's family are such wonderful people I wish my own family were more like that. I could be 500 lbs and they would never say one negative word against me.

bopeep
03-20-2009, 02:05 PM
Love - I think how you respond depends on how much you care about your family. If it's a toxic relationship, you really do need to learn to detach, for your own mental health. If you love them and want to be around them, but just wish they would stop, there are a couple of paths you acould take, but it depends on how they are, and you know them way better than we do!

Usually when people say things mean or negative things like that it is because they are on the defensive - trying to draw attention to your 'flaws' so that the attention won't be on theirs. It is not usually done consciously, and takes some effort to change.

You could try beerab's suggestion - turn the tables on them, and comment on something negative about them. For some people this is the only way to learn that comments can hurt.

Or you could try this approach (takes a lot of practice in front of a mirror to be able to say it without bursting into tears!!!): When your dad says you look fat in 'that dress'/whatever, you could turn to him and ask him 'Why would you say such a hurtful/rude/mean thing'? He'll probably say something along the lines that he was just joking, ot that it's true, but you will need to keep on it. 'Dad, that's not funny (or Dad, I know I'm fat, and I'm working on it). It's hurtful/rude/mean, why would you say that to me'? You have to keep the focus on the fact that it is a mean thing to say and you would like an apology, not a laugh. You may or may not get the apology (depends on the person and how stubborn they are), but that person now knows you will call him on his behaviour every time he makes a comment like that.

In any event, you might want to see a therapist for a couple of sessions, to learn how to handle your family. Even if you are doing well and function normally, a good therapist can teach you how to recognize what is going on and handle those that aren't quite so 'well'.

But seriously - if you like that black dress, then wear it! Don't let a comment like that stop you from doing something *you* like - it's your dress and you can wear it. If he doesn't like it then he can't borrow it! ;)

BP

bobbidipity
03-21-2009, 01:16 AM
Maybe next time he brings back something like that you can freeze them for some future use? I don't know if that would work for me - I love brownies, and if they were in the freezer, I would be thinking about them all the time!
Thanks for the great tip! Sometimes I forget how many things can be frozen. That would work for the kids too -- "We're going to enjoy a just a few of Grandma's brownies today and a few more next week."

LoveDC and beerab, I'm so sorry you've heard such rude comments from your dads. My own dad used to say I looked like I was "kissed by an alligator." He thought that was funny, and I was pretty old before I realized it was an insult. Ugh. I really like bopeep's suggestion of saying "Why would you say such a hurtful thing?" That would put you in a position of strength and grace and put the onus on the offending person to explain himself.

Oh, and LoveDC, I get what you mean about feeling haunted. It's often the crappy stuff that seems to echo endlessly in the mind. But don't let that trick you into heading down an unhealthy path. The person you really need to please is yourself.

moon safari
04-05-2009, 06:30 PM
I will never understand why people think that saying hurtful things will encourage others to make changes in their lives. I think it's a backward way of them telling you they're worried about you. I think bopeep has an excellent idea of confronting them. Telling them that those comments hurt your feelings and that you don't want to hear them anymore. If they do it again, remind them that you asked them already once, you won't ask them again, and it will not be tolerated.

Gypsy Severina
04-06-2009, 11:05 PM
I actually took the approach with my dad about emphasizing that his comments hurt, and it's actually strengthened our relationship. He's made comments about my lifestyle or my friends or my schoolwork or whatever, and if they're negative I say, "Dad, that was not funny and it was definitely not ok." He'll bluster and blow for a few hours, but then he'll apologize because he knows I'm right. For example, he used to get mad because once I hit puberty I didn't want to wear his humongous T-shirt and polos anymore and wanted to wear tighter girl clothes. By tighter, I meant going from a 3X in guys to a 2X in girls- not skin-tight vinyl. He wanted me to cover up, go out and buy the Fruit of the Loom shirts that come in a 3-pack (that's just an insult to my femininity) even though I live in T-shirt and jeans. My mother and I had to double-team and explain that the way girl clothes are cut are completely different than guy clothes, and that I do not want to be able to pitch a tent in my shirts! It's taken him a while, but he'd finally over it. Don't back down, in time they will learn and accept. You shouldn't have to feel horrible about yourself just because of who your share DNA with.

On the subject of sabotage, has anyone got a relative who wants to "help" but in the end you just feel like shooting yourself? My grandmother on my mom's side keeps trying to cook me low-fat food because it's good for "us". She is diabetic, I am not, so what is good for her is not good for me. She nags, latches onto the nearest family member like a leech, and drains us of all tolerance and happiness. She also cannot cook. Really, she can't. She made Splenda brownies and it was like biting into clay, it was dry and crumbly and I would have rather eaten Play-Doh.

harrismm
04-07-2009, 12:19 AM
Families are so fun!!I have spent most of my life irritated with my mother.She is very intrusive and I have always felt like she was always telling me what to do or not do.She has never said anything rude, she just has a tone to her voice that I understand.As I have gotten older I have learned to appreciate her for who she is and what she is, A MOM.I am the mother of 3 (1 18 yo)>boy ,its hard to let him go.I have turned into the mother I never wanted to be.Calling him to find out what he had for dinner and reminding him to change his oil and cut his hair.You never stop being a mom.I know I drive him nuts.Maybe she just has a hard time telling you she is worried about your health and it comes out in this offensive way.Just a thought???I do understand though.Sometimes I let my phone go to voice mail when my mom is calling because I just cant deal with her........which makes me think that is probably why my oldest son does not answer when I call sometimes.Hummmmmmm......LOL!!!

Amy Blue
04-08-2009, 09:12 AM
bopeep & loveDC425, my family is the exact same way. My mother and aunt are the worst culprits, but my whole family (and even some non-family members) are bad when it comes to sabotage and general rudeness/ignorance.

My mother has been going on at me about my weight since I was quite young. I didn't know it back then because my perception was so badly skewed by my family's views, but now, looking back I wasn't fat (I found my old school uniform a while back and it was a UK size 10). She's big too (so is my aunt), but their reasoning is that since they're smaller than me (but still obese), it gives them the right to be condescending and mean.

Since I've started seriously changing my eating habits, instead of encouraging me and even joining in, they insist on eating junk (in front of me) and belittling my attempts at healthy eating. I've spoken to them time and time again about it with no change.

In the end, I moved out of the family home and funnily enough, I've lost more weight, done more exercise and felt much better than I ever did staying in that toxic environment. I still talk to my family, and I visit from time to time, but that's it. And I make sure they know that the topic of my weight is completely off limits.

Athenawithheart
04-08-2009, 09:39 AM
An ex-boyfriend's mother was doing Jenny Craig, and gave me her clothes "because I'm a big girl." Imagine how much that hurt when they were too small for me at the time.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband did this all the time, too. Tell me to eat junk food, encouraging me to eat junk food, then making comments about my weight. And then the minute I started to lose weight, telling me I won't be able to keep it up, my diet is not sustainable, I will lose it all back eventually, etc.

Fortunately, there is no longer anyone in my life who is not supportive of my weight loss.

michelinwoman
04-08-2009, 09:57 AM
LoveDC: Being overweight has nothing to do with finding a QUALITY husband...if he has any substance to him and is husbandworthy or serious relationship worthy, he will be attracted to "you" and not just your physical appearance.

I have a highly dysfunctional family (we're talking Dr. Phil episode haha). I have always been the "skinny" girl until about 6 years ago when I put on some extra weight. It drives my mom nuts when I am dieting...I think the idea of me achieving my goals makes her feel bad about herself. She has always been extremely overweight. Whenever I am trying to "watch it" or lose a few...everytime I am around her she food pushes. I think people try to sabotage others weight loss efforts because they are scared you will achieve your goals. Kind of like "everyone wants you to do well...just not too well" mentality. She makes comments like "your back is really fat now...I would hate to have a shape like yours where I get big in the middle....I bet your back is the same size as mine". I weighed about 150 at the time...she was about 240 (yeah right).

I had a big falling out with my familiy a few years back (I won't even get into details about that mess on a forum) and it was hurtful for about 2 years...but by the 3rd year I actually felt a freedom because I wasn't wrapped up in the drama anymore. We reconciled...I'm back in the drama again, but sometimes I just step away from it. It is a fine line to keep in contact with family but also keep yourself intact. My hubby is very supportive...he keeps me sane.

Thighs Be Gone
04-08-2009, 10:26 AM
You shouldn't have to feel horrible about yourself just because of who your share DNA with.






That is exactly right!

I dealt with my mother for years--until I became a mother. I dealt with the insults for years from the time I was a young child. I will not bother to go into the insults now--but they span from my physical appearance, to my morality, to my abilities as a mother and wife. She herself is morbidly obese and has been my entire life, suffers from untreated mental disorders, is an alcoholic, has never worked and has not even one friend to call if she wanted to.

When I saw the toxicity being directed towards my babies and to my husband (we had already been married almost a decade when we had children) I had to cut her off like gangreen. (sp?) It was definitely one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I have never, not even for a second, regretted that decision. It's been four years.

I guess the way I can best describe it is to say that four years ago I not only let go of my mother in a physical sense, I let go of the hope to ever have her. She was never there to begin with--only my hope to have a mother was.


Fortunately, I have cultivated a mother/daughter relationship with another wonderful woman in my life. I am so grateful God has brought her my way. I feel supported, loved, cared about. My children are too. I am experiencing thoughts and emotions as an adult I should have experienced decades ago.

I truly believe in "Honor your father and your mother." I do that, but from afar. I could not honor her in her presence.

saef
04-08-2009, 10:41 AM
This subject of sabotaging family members is very much on my mind as we head into the Easter weekend.

I'll be traveling back to the small town in Pennsylvania where nearly every member of my mother's family lives. They haven't seen me in about five years, since my grandmother's funeral, so my appearance is probably going to be cause for a lot of discussion & comments.

At the same time, even as they're talking about how fat I was, they're going to be serving up Polish ham, kielbasa, baked ziti, vegetables boiled limp & slick with butter, and I don't know what else. And they'll be annoyed if I eat very little. Yeah, it's the You're-So-Fat-BUT-Why-Won't-You-Eat-the-Cake-I-Baked paradox, in full swing.

I'm arming myself like a soldier going into battle. I've got all sorts of plans & affirmations & potential escape routes. I'm reminding myself of my mild liking for a few of these people, and my need to reconnect with that place, which I loved as a kid, and that I am going to put a lily or a hyacinth on my grandmother's grave. That's why I'm there. It's 24 hours. I'll get through it somehow.

Reading these responses makes me think we need a thread devoted solely to talking about mothers & their effects on our body image & our weight battles.

Athenawithheart
04-08-2009, 10:53 AM
And they'll be annoyed if I eat very little. Yeah, it's the You're-So-Fat-BUT-Why-Won't-You-Eat-the-Cake-I-Baked paradox, in full swing.

SO TRUE!

What are everybody's plans if they are going to be around these hostile territories this weekend?

It's going to be a bit hard on me because I will be telling them that I am getting divorced after such a short marriage. But I could not go to Thanksgiving or Christmas because of my spouse. So hopefully people will be glad to see me.

But I also weigh about 40 pounds less than the last time they saw me, and I've never weighed this little.

My plan is to bring lots of fruit I LOVE (pineapple, kiwi, maybe blueberries), maybe a serving of walnuts and if I get tempted by the endless buffet of junk food to take a walk or bike ride. We're also limiting the hours of the celebration this year because of my grandmother's declining health.

redgirl09
04-08-2009, 01:41 PM
My mum is a FEEDER!With the very best of intentions but sometimes It's just easier to take the food and bin it later instead of arguing the toss with her!Also whilst we're on the subject of hurtful comments does anyone ever say things that you thibnk may have hidden meanings, for example I hear a lot "You have such a pretty face"-I NEVER take this as a compliment because in my mind it means that they're saying my face is pretty cos the rest of me isn't whereas my sister gets told all of the time what an amazing figure she has!People can just be so thoughtless sometimes,I've also had to justify to myself that I will still be the same person whether I'm fat or think but I think a lot of people lump bigger women together and assume that we all have jolly personalities and we should be grateful if a man takes interest!Argh, it really gets to me that our lives don't seem to be as valid as thin people's just cos we're carrying a little bit of excess weight!
Anyways all you girls with mums like mine and other people trying to sabotage you're efforts, don't let them!It's ALL about us this time round and they'll just have to learn to deal with it!

Gypsy Severina
04-09-2009, 09:48 PM
It's ALL about us this time round and they'll just have to learn to deal with it!

Well said!

Athena (as a Classics major, I must say LOVE the name!)- Since I don't celebrate Easter (and all the roads and bridges are flooded) I'll be here, in my dorm room, writing a paper and reaffirming my goals and dreams. I just learned a serious lesson this week; ****ty health makes you a ridiculous hypochondriac. I hate feeling this way, so now it's either bad habits and bad feelings, or new habits and happiness. ^_^

But since I'm here, maybe I'll make some low-fat deviled eggs with less yolk and more chopped pickle (mmmm!). I'm glad not to be going home, actually, since my grandmother will push her horrible "healthy" food which is just chemicals and over-cooked vegetables. Bleh. Next week will be a challenge with my sister's wedding with all the food and the alcohol. Tiny plates, I hope.

Windchime
04-09-2009, 10:16 PM
Reading these responses makes me think we need a thread devoted solely to talking about mothers & their effects on our body image & our weight battles.

I agree! My mom isn't so much critical about weight because she kind of struggles with hers, too. But she was the kind of mom who would say things like, "What is WRONG with you!???" when you made a mistake. Forgiveness? Forget about it. She simply cannot let things go. I'm dreading Easter because when I was 15 or 16, there was an Easter when she drug us all out of bed early in the morning to get our Easter baskets and there was a very unflattering picture taken of me. I'm sure she had said something snarky so in the picture I'm in my robe, shooting her a dirty look. The subject of that picture comes up EVERY Easter, and everyone has to hear about the terrible picture of Windchime and how awful I looked in it.

Ugh. I have learned things from my mother, such as how NOT to be hypercritical and cruel to my kids. She and I have a good relationship now, but why can she not let go of the bad Easter picture? I may have to screw up my courage and tell her I don't want to hear that story again.

Razorcandy
04-11-2009, 02:57 PM
My Aunt B. is the main maternal figure in my life.


Aunt B. is a FEEDER. This woman planned for a week exactly what she'd feed my sister (who had undergone a gastric bypass months ago) when she came to visit.

For Christmas we all bought Aunt B. a George Foreman grill so that she could start grilling us chicken and steaks instead of frying chicken fingers and such.

So, she knows we're all trying to eat healthier. I went to dinner there the week before last week and she served grilled chicken. I told her how happy I was she was finally grilling the chicken. After dinner she casually mentioned that she had poured BUTTER AND GARLIC over the grilled chicken to give it more zest and flavor.

At this point I pictured myself strangling her.

She likes to mention that we are all fat... but when we want to do something about it she sabotages it.

I just don't get it.

megwini
06-02-2009, 02:41 AM
I've always had problems with my mother telling me I need to lose weight. She'd love to nag me about it, ever since I was a child. I grew up with it, really. She'd grab my stomach and say, "What is this?" and keep telling me I need to lose weight. Sometimes she even grabbed my stomach in front of my friends. It was so humiliating. She even bribed me once, saying she'd give me 50 dollars if I'd lose 30 pounds. She'd chastise me for snacking, or eating too much. All I ever got was complaints from her, never any genuine help.
I remember when I studied abroad and accidentally lost 15 pounds (and thus wasn't trying to maintain it, since I didn't lose it intentionally, so I gained it all back) and my mom said she was so happy I was finally not so fat and dragged me to the store and made me buy new pants because I wasn't "as fat anymore" and started warning me how dissappointed she'd be in me if I gained it back. Forget that I had a 4.2 GPA and was taking lots of AP courses... all she ever seemed to care about is that I was 30 pounds overweight.
I'll tell you what though, maybe I could have tolerated it, except that she's overweight herself! That's what always drove me CRAZY. My dad isn't overweight but he's never once said a word to me about my weight. It's only my MOM, who is FAT herself, who thinks it's okay to nag on me about being fat. She's fatter than I ever was when I weighed 175, that's for sure. It's just so frustrating and hypocritical to have a fat person tell you you're fat and need to lose weight, it really is.

amy180
06-22-2009, 03:26 AM
It's just so frustrating and hypocritical to have a fat person tell you you're fat and need to lose weight, it really is.
Agreed. My mom (I don't know her weight, but it's more than mine AND she's shorter by a few inches) has told me I was fat since I hit puberty, even though I was fairly thin then. I used to wear dresses to high school and she'd tell me my legs were too fat to wear dresses, so I stopped wearing dresses altogether.

I just finished college and moved back in until I can find a job and place to live, and I hear about my weight every friggin day. "You need to lose weight" or "Why don't you go for a walk or something instead of eating?" I hear the last every morning it seems, and not while I'm stuffing myself in the middle of the night, I mean I hear this when I am eating a healthy, reasonable breakfast in the morning. And you can't talk to her about it, she just gets mean.

I just don't get how people go around saying mean things about others like they do. I can't see how they could even think this is helpful in any way. Then after she makes fun of my weight all day, she asks why I didn't eat any of the lasagna or whatever. I don't even tell her when I exercise anymore, I sneak out to do it. OTherwise, she'll actually tell me it's not working or that I should be doing more, rather than being supportive.

Sojourner
06-22-2009, 03:09 PM
Wow Amy... how horrible that your mother treats you that way. I am so sorry. How long will you have to live there?? Maybe try the suggested "why would you say something so mean/rude/hurtful to me?"... it's a very healthy response that shifts attention to their terrible behavior. Personally, I would probably just turn the tables and make the exact same comment or question right back at her e.g. "Why don't you set the example mom and go for a walk yourself if you are so concerned about the family's health?" Ha... but that is me and I have no problem with conflict or confrontation. :) (hugs)

Tracy
06-29-2009, 04:16 PM
These stories sound so familiar!I was bribed to lose weight, screamed at,humilated in front of neighbors,friends,family members.I was the only one in my family w/a weight problem. It was awful.Because not only did I get this treatment at home. You know how kids could be. I remember even being insulted by a teacher.In 7th grade,when I didn't know an answer,to something that I guess was easy. He said that is why you are fat,you don't think,and just keep eating. Well,of course the class roared w/laughter. I did not tell anyone at home,because I was afraid I would be in trouble.And, of course they would agree. {Sorry for the long post,it brought back so many memories}Anyway now I keep toxic people{including family members at a distance.}And i am doing so much better in all areas of my life.

Amy Blue
06-29-2009, 06:45 PM
Omg Tracy...reading that made me so angry!! Your teacher?? If I found out a teacher said that to my child (or any child for that matter) someone would have to hold me back....People can be so thoughtless and heartless. Sometimes distance is the only way with family...When I think about it, I'd really like to know what drives our "families" to behave this way. To say that I'm beyond baffled is an understatement.

RubyGuggenheim
07-17-2009, 08:11 AM
I actually took the approach with my dad about emphasizing that his comments hurt, and it's actually strengthened our relationship. He's made comments about my lifestyle or my friends or my schoolwork or whatever, and if they're negative I say, "Dad, that was not funny and it was definitely not ok." He'll bluster and blow for a few hours, but then he'll apologize because he knows I'm right. For example, he used to get mad because once I hit puberty I didn't want to wear his humongous T-shirt and polos anymore and wanted to wear tighter girl clothes. By tighter, I meant going from a 3X in guys to a 2X in girls- not skin-tight vinyl. He wanted me to cover up, go out and buy the Fruit of the Loom shirts that come in a 3-pack (that's just an insult to my femininity) even though I live in T-shirt and jeans. My mother and I had to double-team and explain that the way girl clothes are cut are completely different than guy clothes, and that I do not want to be able to pitch a tent in my shirts! It's taken him a while, but he'd finally over it. Don't back down, in time they will learn and accept. You shouldn't have to feel horrible about yourself just because of who your share DNA with.

On the subject of sabotage, has anyone got a relative who wants to "help" but in the end you just feel like shooting yourself? My grandmother on my mom's side keeps trying to cook me low-fat food because it's good for "us". She is diabetic, I am not, so what is good for her is not good for me. She nags, latches onto the nearest family member like a leech, and drains us of all tolerance and happiness. She also cannot cook. Really, she can't. She made Splenda brownies and it was like biting into clay, it was dry and crumbly and I would have rather eaten Play-Doh.

Haha, this reminds me of my dad's best friend. My dad doesn't make negative comments about weight (except once years ago), but everytime his best friend comes to visit he just says these slightly offensive things about my weight (and my brothers or sisters if either of them are around). I think part of it is that he doesn't have any kids, so he doesn't really get it. Of course, he's a goofy friend of the family, so I just raise my eyebrows and laugh.

When my sister graduated from high school, she was a women's XL. For her graduation present, he got her a men's 3XL button down shirt. She and I just stared at it like, "What . . . the heck?!" It was hilarious.

BerkshireGrl
08-12-2009, 10:24 PM
My mother knows I am dieting, and I am determined to keep going... after being told in no uncertain times by my doctor I had to make a "major lifestyle change" or go on a statin drug.

This past week, she gave me 2 large dresses, one 54" around the hips, the other 82". The 82" is a "Dashiki" in a vibrant African-style print on cotton, and while striking, it's so large it looks like a tablecloth. My body was 47-41-54 when I started, so I could use the smaller dress, which is a pretty red color with bandana-style paisleys embroidered into it.

When I asked her why she was giving me these, she said she had bought them (off eBay I think) but never had occasion to wear them. These are recent purchases, so either my mom is shopping for stuff to hand off to me, or becoming a compulsive shopper. Maybe the latter ;)

But... 82"!?

I also showed her some recent photographs I had of myself, and she said, "How did you do that? Your face is really wider than that!" (Um, the photos were not artificially slimmed down. Thanks Mom, ha!)

I love her, honestly I do. She is a very caring and generous woman. But I cannot WAIT until I get to be thin, and I don't have XXXL clothing given to me as charity, or be told that I am really wider than the camera sees :P

TXJess
08-13-2009, 12:22 AM
Holy crap! Some families are awful. My dad pretty much shattered my self esteem. Though he never mentioned my weight or appearance it cause me to ballon up 30 lbs one summer then up and up from there.

After I cut him out of my life I've had no experiences with saboteurs. My husband is awesome and mother is fairly neutral. If we go out somewhere she lets me pick so I can find something to eat. Although sometimes I'll have a starburst or some other piece of candy (from her house) and she'll say "oh you're eating candy?" I'll just tell her yes I had XX for breakfast and XX for lunch and this fits in my daily calories. :) That's the end of it.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and experiences. Sometimes we need a reminder of all the good we have in our lives because too often it's just so rough and depressing. It's easy to forget how hurtful people can be. :(

wednesdaymorning
08-13-2009, 04:39 AM
She even bribed me once, saying she'd give me 50 dollars if I'd lose 30 pounds.

My grandmother was a lot like this. She used to always try to use her money to get everyone to be "perfect." All my life, she told my sister and I that we were fat and we needed to lose weight. Even though she was definitely not thin herself. She would do the same thing with my mother and her smoking. She nagged the **** out of everyone! (And no, this wasn't even my mom's mom. It was my dad's mom.)

Once, she even put $500 in an envelope, went to my mother, and said "This is yours if you quit smoking." Sad as it is, though, I would have lost 100 pounds for the right price.

Anyway, when I finally lost weight and was down to my lowest adult weight, I went on a cruise with her, and all I heard about was how skinny I was and how I need to eat more and GAIN weight. Also, I heard a lot about how I was a whore because I wore low-cut tops. But that's another story entirely.

Point is: Yeah, people are crazy when it comes to weight loss. I don't necessarily have the issue of people telling me I'm fat and then giving me cakes and candies, but I have the issue of people telling me I'm doing such a good job on my weight loss and then offering me food. My boyfriend is convinced I don't eat enough and when I don't want a slice of cake, he'll have a mild panic-attack over my alleged anorexia. He worries too much.

Anyway, yeah. That's my story.

megwini
08-13-2009, 12:51 PM
Yeah, wednesdaymorning, my mom accused me of being anorexic when I weighed like... 180. I weighed 175 in most of high school, and then I gain 35 pounds and lose 30 of them and suddenly I'm anorexic? Note that this is the same woman who was bribing me to lose 30 pounds when I WAS 175. Especially considering how 180 was still 7 pounds overweight according to BMI for me, I'm not sure how that even makes ANY sense. *shakes head* I think people are just illogical sometimes. They get overly concerned about you and start jumping to conclusions without thinking them through first. They don't mind you changing, but only if THEY are the ones who are mandating the change.

napalmtree
08-20-2009, 03:45 AM
My mother and I don't speak anymore, though it's not because of a diet or my weight. XD

My grandmother is only unhappy that I'm not eating her cooking anymore, but since she found out it was because I'm trying to lose weight and not because I dislike it (I do, but she doesn't need to know that...) she's fine.

I've had weight issues since childhood though, even though I wasn't actually even mildly overweight until late high school. My family KNOWS weight is a very touchy (therapy-inducing) issue for me, and so they don't talk about it at all.

Derbying4herlife
08-20-2009, 11:13 AM
i work at a place where its me and 4 other women, and the rest are men...it seems like everyday someone is saying "today is the day" then i walk in and they're like oooh here i brought in this desert try it! i call them the junk food pushers...lol. now that ive gotten on a good track, counting my calories, and excercising, i don''t feel like i can talk to them about it cause theyre all shoving strombolis in their faces and saying "oh youre being such a good girl" in this backhanded way that makes me want to scream. ive learned that you need to stop listening to other people telling you "all you need to do is..." because if all i needed to do was ___ I wouldnt be fat right now. people always have an opinion, and it might work for them but you need to figure out what works for you. tell them i need support, not another voice telling me what to do.

BelieveInChange
08-26-2009, 07:17 AM
Something like this happened to me recently. An old friend tried to sabotage me and I'm still unsure how to feel about it.

I have always been the sidekick, or the "fat friend". My friends are beautiful and thin and unfortunately, I stick out around them... Not in a good way. When I told everyone about starting my weight loss, everyone was happy and supportive except for one. This person would make the the subject of jokes behind my back and purposely put me into tempting situations. I couldn't understand why they would act that way.

Bob (lets just call them that) privately told another friend the reason. Bob did not want me to lose weight because then I wouldn't be the "sidekick" anymore. She was afraid that if I lost enough weight, I would become more outgoing and people would actually like me. She also said the only thing she has over me was the fact that she is thin and I am overweight. I wish I were making this up. I still don't understand how someone would want another person to stay unhappy... I've always been able to make friends easily but my weight holds me back and stops me most of the time. I'm no longer friends with them, though it still hurts a bit.

Reading through this thread, it makes me sad that there are so many negative people out there. Big hugs to everyone that has ever had to encounter someone like that.

Metal Chick
10-03-2009, 04:45 AM
Ugh. People frickin' suck donkey balls. This is what I think, ladies:

1. You don't need a family. And friends are only really friends if they want what's best for you. It's okay to write people out of your life if they're doing you harm. You don't owe them ****. You don't owe anyone a damn thing. Poison people feed off of the harm they do others. It makes them feel good about themselves because they're weak and unwilling to better themselves. They don't want to work for it, so they try to bring you down. And yes. Even if they don't do it to others. You aren't imagining it. You are being targeted because it's easiest to attack the most vulnerable person or the person who loves you so much that they won't fight back. If you're garbage, they look good in comparison. They want you to be garbage.

2. Stop chasing after the love and acceptance of someone that will NEVER love and accept you. Deal with it. Like Thighs Be Gone, my mother is a ****. I tried so hard my whole life to develop a relationship with her but all it ever got me was more rejection. I wrote her off a few years ago. I just couldn't set myself up for any more misery. So I just quit trying. I was hurt for a long time. I felt sorry for myself. I didn't think it was fair that I didn't have a mother. I felt like a little kid - crying because I couldn't understand why mommy didn't love me. But you know what? I got over it! I saw her a few weeks ago at my brother's house. I wasn't there for her and I didn't care that she was there. I was polite, but I didn't say much to her. It felt great. I no longer care what she thinks of me. I wish my brothers would get that. They're all 12-19 years older than me and STILL hoping she will tell them that they are good little boys. :?: It just isn't going to happen. They'll learn in their own time.

3. Doesn't it seem that fat people always have weight loss advice, poor people know what you should do with your money and people without kids know EXACTLY how to raise yours? Why **** are we listening to these people!? Only take advice from someone if you want what they have. Since I figured this out I'm paying attention to the habits of the skinny and happy people I know. I'm seeing real progress for the first time ever.

4. Everyone is different. We are all here in "Alternachicks" because we are somehow outside of the norm. If someone doesn't like your eating habits, exercise routine or other lifestyle choices - they don't have to. But they DO have to let you make your own decisions. Tell them to get bent if they don't like it. :D

5. Remember that you are the only person you are going to spend every minute of the rest of your life with. To thine own self be true.

I wish you all peace, success and the strength to tell everyone else to go to ****. :hug:

JulieJ08
10-05-2009, 10:36 PM
3. Doesn't it seem that fat people always have weight loss advice, poor people know what you should do with your money and people without kids know EXACTLY how to raise yours? Why **** are we listening to these people!? Only take advice from someone if you want what they have. Since I figured this out I'm paying attention to the habits of the skinny and happy people I know. I'm seeing real progress for the first time ever.

Excellent point. :)

StephanieM
10-06-2009, 11:12 AM
My mum has always been weird about my weight. She is also passive agressive about it. She does things like comment on my weight, then hand me a piece of pie. She is always mailing me junk food, even though I have asked her not to a million times. When I told her I was taking up belly dancing, she said I 'had lots of belly for it'. :mad:

Last week she said she had a bunch of clothes to send me (she is a compulsive shopper (she has lots of issues...)). They arrived in the mail today. Sizes 16 and 18. I am now a 12/14 and getting thinner, and she knows it. She askes me how the diet is going every freaking time I talk to her.

I really appreciate her sending me boxes of clothes, as I am not exactly rolling in extra cash, but I feel like screaming!!! I called her to say 'thanks' and mentioned that the clothes were nice and I would wear them as soon as I had them adjusted. Nice and diplomatic, right? She was surprised they would need adjusting. :headache:

BP

My mom and family are the same way! But I don't think they are intending to be mean. They do make comments about my weight, sometimes nice sometimes not. I cried one christmas because I had lost some weight and everyone had bought me clothes I couldn't have fit in when I was heavier. All extra extra larges that were baggy on me.

Then my mom makes me two trays of cupcakes. She's diabetic and likes to bake but can't eat any of it, so I'm the dumping ground. My grandma makes surprise visits with cases of Mr. Noodle because she thinks I'm starving or something. I've got three cases of Mr. Noodle in my kitchen right now :(

I need better support, and so do you!

Thighs Be Gone
10-06-2009, 11:29 AM
Ugh. People frickin' suck donkey balls. This is what I think, ladies:

1. You don't need a family. And friends are only really friends if they want what's best for you. It's okay to write people out of your life if they're doing you harm. You don't owe them ****. You don't owe anyone a damn thing. Poison people feed off of the harm they do others. It makes them feel good about themselves because they're weak and unwilling to better themselves. They don't want to work for it, so they try to bring you down. And yes. Even if they don't do it to others. You aren't imagining it. You are being targeted because it's easiest to attack the most vulnerable person or the person who loves you so much that they won't fight back. If you're garbage, they look good in comparison. They want you to be garbage.

2. Stop chasing after the love and acceptance of someone that will NEVER love and accept you. Deal with it. Like Thighs Be Gone, my mother is a ****. I tried so hard my whole life to develop a relationship with her but all it ever got me was more rejection. I wrote her off a few years ago. I just couldn't set myself up for any more misery. So I just quit trying. I was hurt for a long time. I felt sorry for myself. I didn't think it was fair that I didn't have a mother. I felt like a little kid - crying because I couldn't understand why mommy didn't love me. But you know what? I got over it! I saw her a few weeks ago at my brother's house. I wasn't there for her and I didn't care that she was there. I was polite, but I didn't say much to her. It felt great. I no longer care what she thinks of me. I wish my brothers would get that. They're all 12-19 years older than me and STILL hoping she will tell them that they are good little boys. :?: It just isn't going to happen. They'll learn in their own time.

3. Doesn't it seem that fat people always have weight loss advice, poor people know what you should do with your money and people without kids know EXACTLY how to raise yours? Why **** are we listening to these people!? Only take advice from someone if you want what they have. Since I figured this out I'm paying attention to the habits of the skinny and happy people I know. I'm seeing real progress for the first time ever.

4. Everyone is different. We are all here in "Alternachicks" because we are somehow outside of the norm. If someone doesn't like your eating habits, exercise routine or other lifestyle choices - they don't have to. But they DO have to let you make your own decisions. Tell them to get bent if they don't like it. :D

5. Remember that you are the only person you are going to spend every minute of the rest of your life with. To thine own self be true.

I wish you all peace, success and the strength to tell everyone else to go to ****. :hug:


Dang, Metal Chick. I don't know where you came from but I am SURE glad you are here. WELCOME to the 3FC!!!:hug:

Thighs Be Gone
10-06-2009, 11:32 AM
Stephanie, it gives me great pleasure to turn on my sink faucet, turn on my disposal and throw unwanted food right down the hole! LOL. Especially when it's from someone that knows we don't eat that way at my house!

Amy Blue
11-03-2009, 02:45 PM
Well said Metal Chick!

pegdav
11-03-2009, 04:11 PM
Metal Chick, you are brilliant!

Metal Chick
11-14-2009, 10:00 PM
Thanks for the kudos everyone! I was away for a bit, but I'm back now and I'll catch up on the posts.

This is what I do when rejecting clothes or food.

CLOTHES
If someone tries to give me clothes that are too big for me I tell them that the clothes are not my size. Or if I don't like the clothes I tell them that they aren't my style. This is usually met with people telling me that I dress weird. (Again, this is just someone being a jerk. Ignore it.)

If they insist that I accept the clothes, I just drop them off at a thrift store or a local church. If they ask what happened to the clothes later, I just tell them the truth; that they didn't fit or I didn't like them so I gave them to charity. If they get miffed - good! Maybe they won't give me unsolicited fashion advice in the future. The way I see it, since the clothes are given to me, they are mine and I can do what I want with my stuff.

FOOD
The so-called "Rules of Food Etiquette" don't have to apply to you. It's OK to:

Try a bite of something and decide you don't want it. Think of it as a test drive. Is it worth the calories?

Throw away something that's not worth eating. There is no point in swallowing down something that you don't like if it's bad for you too.

Reject food offered. Even if the person "made it for you". If you didn't ask for it they can't expect you to eat it. That's their problem.

SAY "NO" WITHOUT HAVING TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!! It's none of their damn business WHY you don't want it anyway.

And if anyone tells you you're being rude for not accepting food, you could point out that it's more rude to offer unhealthy food to a dieting person or have a total disregard for individual boundaries or tell someone else what they should do with their body or undermine one's efforts to better themselves...you get the idea. :snooty: