Weight Loss Support - There has become Normalcy in Craziness (trying to grasp the Big Motivation).




Hermit Girl
03-11-2009, 09:41 AM
There's no way around it, my situation of FAT has become a literal prison. I feel compromised in almost every aspect of my life, yet, I overeat. I have been a race-fit cyclist (merely 13 years ago), I have felt what it feels like to be like a panther waiting to pounce in it's freedom , that glorious feeling of grace that comes with streghth, litheness, .... care to one's body. What happened? I just took a tumble somewhere and let... myself... go. I mean GO ! I don't want to litter this post with a bunch of ordinary emotional baggage, as the reasons I suspect, but I do want to invite those of you like me, to join this thread and have a big pow wow. Why do we do this? Why do we purposefully choose the prison , the straightjacket, the pain and immobility, , the social judgement, which results in a soul deep acceptance of failure....but what's worse, much worse... why do we accept meandering down the path toward disease and injury related to obesity ??? :?: :dizzy: :devil: :( :mad: :?:

Matters not if we choose to be 30, 50, 100, or more pounds overweight, it is all just different prison sentences. I know many of you here are past the point, and into change for the better, but so have I been on this forum, about 4 times in 2 years. I come back again, ready to bargain with myself, I'll give up my insanity for some results for a change? I have talked about this StatusQuo of Obesity with friends and on various forums, many times. I cant count how many times a helpful person suggested I journal my food intake. It goes way deeper, much, much deeper than pencil and pen and just being clueless about the calories I consume. In fact, I am not clueless at all. I willfully choose to 'enjoy' a couple extra thousand calories in a day, of mostly healthful snacks, perhaps to sooth my angst, to find pleasure in the food, but always there's a lurking sabotage at the point I take my empty plate back to the sink. What kind of pleasure was that? That is what is the craziest thing, the wreckless abandonment of any amount of discipline.

Every night I am up to pee (perimenopausal sweats and sleeplessness) and when semi-conscious I feel the dread as frightfully as a demon come to visit me in the night , feeling like a beached whale as I try to get out of bed. As I waddle to the toilet , I feel the obesity like a festering diseased reality I've created, and every night I vow to not go another day. I could easily guess this promising and breaking of my promise has been going on for years. Hundreds of promises broken, every day, only enforces the sabotage.

I know exactly what to do, what to eat, and I exercize a lot, yet, when under some veil of fuzzy perception, I lose my way. Prefering the comfort of the known, the imposing, painful, constraining walls of the FAT prison, over the utter joy of freedom, is very crazy. But, there has become normalcy in craziness.

I choose to be free ! I need to surround myself with watchful friends, so that I can get past day one, into day two tomorrow. Might I find that help here? :hug:


Jen415
03-11-2009, 09:52 AM
Holy crap. I could have written this. Word for word.

I really don't have any answers, but you sure have my support.

Hermit Girl
03-11-2009, 09:58 AM
Holy crap. I could have written this. Word for word.

I really don't have any answers, but you sure have my support. Perhaps because we're both named ' Jen ' :D

thanks for joining the pow wow....:hug:


squeak351
03-11-2009, 10:26 AM
Not Jen, but when I started reading I was like...who's been in my head. I think I could've written this too.

Why do I do it, I don't know, yet i still reach for that bag of chips and cookies. I seriously think I am addicted to food. I don't smoke or drink but if this is the way it feels then no wonder people have a hard time giving up smoking & drinking.

squeak351
03-11-2009, 10:31 AM
Doi, I hit post before I was finished!

I am in. I need all the watchful friends i can get. This time I am 100% commited, no half hearted bull stuff I've done before. it's all or nothing baby. It's either commit or lay down and give up like the beached whale that I am. I don't give up easily on anything else so why do I give up so easily on this. Not this time!!!

Lori Bell
03-11-2009, 10:53 AM
Hi Hermit Girl, I remember reading some of your past posts, and always wondered where you went. I'm glad your back. I really wish your magic switch would turn on, because when I read your posts, I become a little anxious. I guess it stirs up a little of my past struggles in reading them. I wish there really was a way to make the *switch* turn on at any given time, but I'm afraid that just wanting to want it doesn't make it happen. You have to want IT...not just the desire to want it. Talking about it, rehashing it, making charts and graphs, joining clubs, groups and even web sites has never made the switch go on for me...But once it's on, all the rest seems to fall into place. I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not, but I remember a few of those beached whale trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. When I couldn't go back to sleep...I prayed. I owe this time around to the Big Guy.

I hope this is your time.

saef
03-11-2009, 10:58 AM
Maybe ask yourself if you are benefiting in some way from the angst of the situation? Maybe you are more comfortable mulling over it than in stopping all the reflecting on it & actually doing something.

This big task is going to require a different kind of engagement. You stop thinking & you just start doing. There's a kind of animal joy in sheer physicality, which is very different from losing yourself in mazes of inward contemplation.

rachinma
03-11-2009, 12:00 PM
HG: You are an excellent writer. :-)

I have a set of friends at the gym -- I'm doing a "Biggest Loser" competition for 10 weeks -- that really keep me accountable. There are a variety of groups like that on 3FC, too, I think.

I post in this group when I need motivation, mostly when I'm up at about 9/10pm thinking about snacking.

Good luck. It sounds like you have all the tools.

shrinkingviolet
03-11-2009, 12:04 PM
Hi Hermit Girl. I completely understand what you are talking about. Your name here kind of suggests that maybe you are doing this to yourself in part to have a reason to remove yourself from life in the "real" world, so you can say "I'm fat, so I'll stay away from engaging with other people". You have a protective covering, so to speak. Me, too. And I've had two health crises: high blood pressure a few years ago (which caused me to lose 10 lbs. and then I just relaxed again and let the meds do the job instead of going through the discomfort of weight loss) and cancer (I'd lost 22 lbs. before my diagnosis and about 15 lbs. since my radical hysterectomy, but I'm stabilized at 166 lbs. and I'm terrified of becoming comfortable with this situation, too). I've once again rebooted my diet efforts today. I get so hungry and it is absolute suffering to me to not be able to dive into something comforting. Anyway, I'm starting again today, too, and I feel your pain. You can do it this time.

H8cake
03-11-2009, 12:17 PM
Lori Bell and Saef both said what I was thinking already. I mulled over the whole problem in my head for years then finally one day I got fed up and quit thinking about it and just put my nose to the grindstone and did it. It was a definite switch in my head that went off. I wish we could bottle it and share it. I do believe in faking it until you make it though. I think there was a little of that at the very start too. I think I had to prove to myself that it would work. Once I saw that my plan would work there was no stopping me.

rockinrobin
03-11-2009, 12:45 PM
I'm in a similar boat to saef, Lori Bell and h8cake.

For me, successful, steady and permenant weight loss could not occur until my desire to be thin outweighed the desire for the food. But prior to that, I realized that I just didn't want to be fat anymore. Not for another second. I was sick and tired of settling for second best in life. I was sick and tired of not living up to my full potential. I was sick and tired of feeling like that beached whale you speak of. Gosh, was I sick of it. Sick. Sick. Sick. I hated it. And I realized that I didn't have to be fat if I didn't want to be. That is WAS within my power. It was something that I did control.

Being overweight is a choice that we make. Being fit and healthy is a choice too.

squeak351
03-11-2009, 01:00 PM
I realized that I didn't have to be fat if I didn't want to be.


That says it all!!!!

rockinrobin
03-11-2009, 02:04 PM
Might I find that help here? :hug:

Yes, you've got it!

ICUwishing
03-11-2009, 02:56 PM
HermitGirl, you expressed it so beautifully. And Lori's counterpoint is, as always, the tough love spoken as only one who's made it happen can speak.

I have to agree - there IS a switch somewhere that needs to flip before things can permanently turn around. I suspect that we all want to be thin because that's the "societal norm", but especially for us ex-jocks (I was a swimmer in days gone by), there's a primal thing that reminds us that our bodies were DESIGNED and EVOLVED to move, to be graceful, to be strong, and that being overweight and out of shape actually requires a lot of work!

Food, for me, fills a gap in my happiness - when I have the moments of joy, fulfillment, and engagement with my life, food loses its power. I can binge with the best of them, but if I am writing down a great story idea, deeply involved in a manufacturing mystery at work, or in the groove in the pool, hours fly by with nary a thought of potato chips or the half gallon of ice cream. I read a wonderful book titled "The Money's Just the Gravy". Won't tell you why I picked it up, but suffice to say, the word Gravy attracted me. Turns out it was actually about people who have found their passions and are spending their lives DOING what they love. That's the origin of my ID - "ICUWishing" - because my "switch" is the quest for that passion. I recognized that for me, the weight is a result of unhappiness - and when I address that "root cause", I won't need the distraction of food any longer.

Maybe ... it's easier to think of food as fuel when you have a kind of life that screams to be fueled like a bonfire, instead of one that needs protection and a soft place to land?

Out of the craziness, we rise like Phoenix. :) We're here for you.

Glory87
03-11-2009, 03:13 PM
Why did I let myself gain weight and stay at nearly 200 lbs for over 5 years? I didnt even really TRY to lose weight during those five years.

There were a couple of reasons. First, I had dieted and failed in the past. I had lost weight, then regained it. Regaining weight took an emotional toll, I went from feeling like a motivated success (when I was losing weight) to an out of control loser (when I regained).

I didn't think I could ever live without my favorite foods. A life without weekly pizzas, big cranberry walnut muffins every morning, venti lattes, chips, loaded nachos? For me, dieting meant hungry deprivation and I dreaded it.

Resolving both issues was the key for me. I realized I had issues with carby foods (crackers, chips, cold cererals, baked goods make me want to eat more and more and leave me restless and bingy all day). I realized that there were a lot of healthy foods I liked. My crystal clear "a ha" moment was realizing I could change how I ate forever (resolving the lose/regain issue) by changing my diet to focus on healthy foods I liked and looked forward to eating (resolving the "I hate diet food" issue). I am actually living that life without scones, chips and it feels pretty okay in my size 6 pants.

I remind myself that eating whatever I wanted did not make me happy. I tried that and ended up a lethargic, depressed woman who avoided all pictures and who didn't want to visit friends/family. Now, I eat about 95% on plan (with some planned treats) and I am slim and healthy.

We all have to fight our battles, because they are all unique! There is no one right answer, definitely.

JayEll
03-11-2009, 03:13 PM
I recognized that for me, the weight is a result of unhappiness - and when I address that "root cause", I won't need the distraction of food any longer.
I agree with this. :yes:

But, whether the root cause is addressed yet or not, one must....

:drill:Step away from the refrigerator!:drill:

:drill:Drop the spoon! :drill:

:drill:Hands in the air where I can see 'em!:drill:

One must be willing to do that along with looking for root causes. The obession or habit is not likely to be magically lifted without some effort...
:lifter:

Jay

futuresurferchick
03-11-2009, 03:18 PM
Maybe ask yourself if you are benefiting in some way from the angst of the situation? Maybe you are more comfortable mulling over it than in stopping all the reflecting on it & actually doing something.

This big task is going to require a different kind of engagement. You stop thinking & you just start doing. There's a kind of animal joy in sheer physicality, which is very different from losing yourself in mazes of inward contemplation.

Hi HermitGirl! For me, Saef has said it best so far on this thread, so I thought I would emphasize it. I can relate to everything you've said and I was once there. The prison was a living thing for me. Every night I battled it and every morning it was my first thought. But ultimately, I didn't overcome it with thoughts or words.

As has been said on these boards before (and not originally by me), I think many overweight people live cerebral lives. That was certainly true for me. By living a cerebral life I mean existing mostly in our thoughts and our emotions, rather than in the physicality of life. Saef has captured for me the change that needs to take place. I'm not sure how you can achieve this in your own life because it's different for everyone, but she has hit the nail on the head for me. Ruminating on this over and over again will not serve you. You know that, yet you ruminate. I know the cycle all too well. I hope you can find the support here to break your way out of it. :hug:

DCHound
03-11-2009, 04:03 PM
Four quotes below really spoke to me on this extremely amazing thread:

squeak351
This time I am 100% commited, no half hearted bull stuff I've done before. it's all or nothing baby. It's either commit or lay down and give up like the beached whale that I am. I don't give up easily on anything else so why do I give up so easily on this. Not this time!!!

Lori Bell
I owe this time around to the Big Guy.

H8cake
I mulled over the whole problem in my head for years then finally one day I got fed up and quit thinking about it and just put my nose to the grindstone and did it. It was a definite switch in my head that went off. I wish we could bottle it and share it. I do believe in faking it until you make it though. I think there was a little of that at the very start too. I think I had to prove to myself that it would work. Once I saw that my plan would work there was no stopping me.

rockinrobin
For me, successful, steady and permenant weight loss could not occur until my desire to be thin outweighed the desire for the food. But prior to that, I realized that I just didn't want to be fat anymore. Not for another second. I was sick and tired of settling for second best in life. I was sick and tired of not living up to my full potential. I was sick and tired of feeling like that beached whale you speak of. Gosh, was I sick of it. Sick. Sick. Sick. I hated it. And I realized that I didn't have to be fat if I didn't want to be. That is WAS within my power. It was something that I did control.

Being overweight is a choice that we make. Being fit and healthy is a choice too.

As for me, I have struggled, fought and lost the battle with my weight (which was really a battle with myself, internally and externally) since babyhood. I was born overweight and have stayed that way, to varying degrees, my entire life. I temporarily managed to beat the fat into submission for a couple of years late high school/college, then once I found Atkins in 1999 I won a few more battles and went from morbidly obese down to merely overweight. It was very, very difficult and the moment the going got tough, I caved ~ and ended up ballooning right back up past morbidly obese to super morbidly obese.

By early 2007 I had thrown in the towel. I gave up. I had won a few battles but the fat was stronger than me ~ it won the war. I surrendered to it. I figured I got what I deserved. I was too lazy and worthless to lose weight so I didn’t deserve all the good things that went with being a healthy weight ~ like looking good and feeling good. I was tired. I didn’t want to fight that war again. And for what? I was hitting my late late 30s, divorced, heavy smoker, lazy, unattractive, no major health problems (yet) but they were coming, too tired to do anything healthy, too miserable to try. Or care. I was depressed. Severely. But, duh! I didn’t know. (What, secretly drinking at work isn’t normal? Come on.)

But then, in late 2007-early 2008, I finally began to “wake up” and realize that I’d been depressed, severely depressed, for years. Then I realized, I wasn’t depressed anymore. Not happy, but not depressed. So I worked on it intentionally, and began to feel a little better, then a lot better. Finally, by mid-2008, I felt pretty good on the inside (i.e., not depressed) and it seemed like it was time to start working on the outside. But I needed a jumpstart.

A friend invited me to be her maid of honor at her wedding, and I had 3 months notice. I didn’t want to stand at the front of the chapel in a size 32. It was the motivation I needed to get started. I jumped right back on Atkins, the only plan that had ever worked for me before, and since I was in a very different place mentally than I was on previous attempts, it worked fantastically.

It was a battle to lose weight when I was depressed. It is a joy to lose weight since I am not depressed. Along the way I’ve quit smoking, and recently started exercising at a gym. (I lost the first 98 lbs without exercising.)

I hit a plateau about six weeks ago. Haven’t lost a pound. BUT I’ve lost a whole size. Maybe some folks would look at the scale, get frustrated, and give up. But where does that get you? Why give up? I’m going to keep plugging along. Because I REFUSE TO BE FAT ANY LONGER. I’ve been fat my entire life. It defined who I was. But it does not define who I am meant to be and who I will be. Losing weight is more important to me than anything else in my life. This time I am 100% committed and I will succeed.

The difference for me is entirely mental. I am there mentally now. I’m not “dialing it in” as Jillian Michaels (Biggest Loser trainer) would say. I don’t care how long it takes. I will not quit. And that means, I’ve already won regardless of what size I wear or what the scale says. It’s all mental. I used to think I had no control and being fat wasn't a choice. Well, I *am* in control and I *do* have a choice. Finally I'm making the right choices.

Crazy? Probably. Motivation? I AM TOTALLY AWESOME AND I DESERVE IT.

Mermom
03-11-2009, 10:43 PM
Hi Jen-

Met up with you here a couple of years ago. Remember?

This is an amazing thread. Today I have been thinking that my lack of ability to control my weight is a mental challenge rather that just a physical one.

I really don't need all those things I love to eat. I really can get by with far less food.

Nine weeks ago I recommitted to lose these 50 extra pounds and am back here for support.

Thank you all for your wonderful and supportive wisdom. I may "live in my head" but that does not mean I have to be alone in my struggles.

vicky
03-12-2009, 02:36 AM
RockinRobin,
I just read a comment from you and I saw you are 5' tall......like me. I also looked at your profile and I am amazed by your weight loss. I have 20 pounds to loose and I complain!
You said we choose to be fat and if we want to be thin, it is a choice too.
You just opened my eyes.....thank you.
You must be so proud of yourself, and you deserve it !
Vicky

teawithsunshine
03-12-2009, 03:38 AM
Honestly, for me-- the "Lightbulb" switch to be thin, never materialized for me (even though I had hoped for one for so many years).

It was really a gradual understanding I wasn't happy with how I felt eating the trigger foods that imprisoned me as a compulsive overeater for nearly 2 decades. Once I realized what I was feeling, and elminated the trigger foods from my diet, it made it so much easier to lose weight.

Even more importantly, losing weight never appeared in that epiphany that I wasn't feeling happy, it was the trigger foods that became my primary concern. Losing the weight has just been a happy side effect :)

~ tea

Fat Pants
03-12-2009, 09:36 AM
You know what keeps me from being successful? I am lazy. I would rather sleep than exercise. Lay around the house than be active. Order whatever I want rather than worry about calorie counting. I am just plain lazy. I've always been that way, and being fat gave me that much more of an excuse to hide from the world and continue to be lazy. Every January 1st, I would say "ok, this is the year I am going to lose _____ lbs. and be fit and attractive." But my laziness would eventually take over and I'd resort to my old ways. Added to that is just plain ol' low self esteem, thinking I am never worth it, or good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. for people to like me for who I am (fat or not).

What is different for me this year? I am getting older. I know, I know - I'm only 26. But the older I get, the faster time goes by. And I realized that by being lazy, I was missing out on a lot of stuff. I had a HUGE opportunity before me to actually go out and do some interesting and exciting things. So I decided this year that it wasn't about losing weight, it was about not letting my life pass me by. So there were just two things I wanted to do:

1) Run a 5k
2) Hike a 14'er

And that's it. And I knew that if I wanted to do these things, I'd have to train. I couldn't be lazy anymore. So that's what I'm focusing on, and the looser clothes and the weight loss is a great side effect. For me, it was that shift from "I have 60 lbs to lose" to "I WILL accomplish running a 5k" that made all the difference.

shrinkingviolet
03-12-2009, 09:49 AM
You guys are so right about "living a cerebral life". I need to pull my energy down into my body and really inhabit it. I'm going to put on the dance exercise DVD I've been meaning to exercise to. I take long walks, but I need to be more physical. How are you doing today, Hermit Girl? Did you make it through yesterday alright? I'm on track and these posts first thing in the morning will help keep me on track. So many of you did an outstanding job changing your lives. You are all inspirational.

Thighs Be Gone
03-12-2009, 10:06 AM
Why give up? I’m going to keep plugging along. Because I REFUSE TO BE FAT ANY LONGER. I’ve been fat my entire life. It defined who I was. But it does not define who I am meant to be and who I will be. Losing weight is more important to me than anything else in my life. This time I am 100% committed and I will succeed.

The difference for me is entirely mental. It’s all mental. I used to think I had no control and being fat wasn't a choice. Well, I *am* in control and I *do* have a choice. Finally I'm making the right choices.




I really agree you here Hound. Being fat robbed me of so much. It defined me, limited me, kept me from what I wanted. It gave me a reason why I didn't deserve xyz. It provided an explanation why I felt like people didn't like me.

I think (was it Saef or Robin overhead) is spot on too. Quit thinking about it and mulling it over. Just do it.

Hermit Girl
03-12-2009, 10:39 AM
Thanks folks.... I've let this thread roll a whole day before coming back to post again. I know I can always depend on Strength In Numbers to set me straight, because there's just no arguing with a mob. :grouphug:

Some of the things said which resonate with me :

Lori Bell : "Talking about it, rehashing it, making charts and graphs, joining clubs, groups and even web sites has never made the switch go on for me...But once it's on, all the rest seems to fall into place. I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not, but I remember a few of those beached whale trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. "

I have to give myself credit where credit is due. I guess the lightswitch I have is one of those dimmer switches that increase gradually :lol: ....meaning, I really have accomplished quite a lot in the peripheral of my weightloss attempt. By my regards I am taking on obstacles on many fronts in life, always, always listing, being accountable, trying again. I have several accomplishments in life that I am not giving enough thanks for because I'm just so hung up on the weightloss one. So, before I go any further, I want to give myself a big pat on the back for the Life Progress I've made .... :bravo:

saef : "Maybe ask yourself if you are benefiting in some way from the angst of the situation? Maybe you are more comfortable mulling over it than in stopping all the reflecting on it & actually doing something.

This big task is going to require a different kind of engagement. You stop thinking & you just start doing. There's a kind of animal joy in sheer physicality, which is very different from losing yourself in mazes of inward contemplation."

On this front, I am reading a book called "Evolve Your Brain", by Joe Dispenza. It talks about how neural networks (chains of thouht) in our heads become habit, merely by not being aware of them mostly, and the process sets up a physical chemical addiction to the actual thought process (I recommend this book to everyone). I am working through these neural nets and I realize getting stuck in a rut of weightloss failure , and hanging on to it, is something I can actually get out of. Yes, as it is said over and over again, it is all mental. I realize that what Saef is saying is more STOP thinking and START DOING. There is a lot of empowerment in gradual little baby accomplishments... which rev the engine of motivation, I know it.

:idea: I think rather than expect myself to lose weight, I ought to start working on the simpler baby steps of that goal, and to stop eating trigger foods, maybe, by getting rid of them in the house today. Nobody says I can't eat plenty of the healthy food I keep in the house, just not trigger foods. :idea:

rockinrobin: "Being overweight is a choice that we make. Being fit and healthy is a choice too."

Yes Robin, I have chosen to be overweight. Okay, and now, whether I'm practicing self love, or self neglect, I am going to have to choose not to let food be the soothing agent in my life. Period. I realize that I crave affirmation from others, that I have been very isolated socially for many years now.... (yes, thus the username)... so I think it will help to stay really connected socially to some forums I enjoy (3fc, bicycling, knitting, running) where I seem to have made an etherial sense of friendship. I realize that my cyber life ... :comp: ... is perhaps my largest social circle. Without contact, I lose grasp on certain things, delve too deeply in my head without coming up to the surface for common sense. I see a window there that I can open. That is a choice. I choose to surround myself with contact, and feed that hole in my heart. :cofdate:

ICUwishing : "I have to agree - there IS a switch somewhere that needs to flip before things can permanently turn around. I suspect that we all want to be thin because that's the "societal norm", but especially for us ex-jocks (I was a swimmer in days gone by), there's a primal thing that reminds us that our bodies were DESIGNED and EVOLVED to move, to be graceful, to be strong, and that being overweight and out of shape actually requires a lot of work!

Food, for me, fills a gap in my happiness - when I have the moments of joy, fulfillment, and engagement with my life, food loses its power. I can binge with the best of them, but if I am writing down a great story idea, deeply involved in a manufacturing mystery at work, or in the groove in the pool, hours fly by with nary a thought of potato chips or the half gallon of ice cream. I read a wonderful book titled "The Money's Just the Gravy". Won't tell you why I picked it up, but suffice to say, the word Gravy attracted me. Turns out it was actually about people who have found their passions and are spending their lives DOING what they love. That's the origin of my ID - "ICUWishing" - because my "switch" is the quest for that passion. I recognized that for me, the weight is a result of unhappiness - and when I address that "root cause", I won't need the distraction of food any longer.

Maybe ... it's easier to think of food as fuel when you have a kind of life that screams to be fueled like a bonfire, instead of one that needs protection and a soft place to land?

Out of the craziness, we rise like Phoenix. We're here for you."
Wow, a lot resonates with me in this post. Being an ex-jock as ICUwishing points out, really does give a different angle to failure in weight gain. I think what made me thrive to the highest possible point in my athletic life, over a decade ago, was feeling my body really push to crest that trail/road peak on the mtn, to feel myself like a locomotive and test my strength, it felt utterly ecstatic, physically, mentally, and even spiritually ! Sure , I was hungry a lot, I ate plenty, but it wasn't food which rocked my boat at that time. I recall falling in love with my now DH at the time, so that was an added dimension to the physical fitness joy. I guess I felt total engagement. Another reminder that I need ENGAGEMENT. :thanks:

Glory87 : "My crystal clear "a ha" moment was realizing I could change how I ate forever (resolving the lose/regain issue) by changing my diet to focus on healthy foods I liked and looked forward to eating (resolving the "I hate diet food" issue)....

.... There were a couple of reasons. First, I had dieted and failed in the past. I had lost weight, then regained it. Regaining weight took an emotional toll, I went from feeling like a motivated success (when I was losing weight) to an out of control loser (when I regained).....

...I remind myself that eating whatever I wanted did not make me happy. I tried that and ended up a lethargic, depressed woman who avoided all pictures and who didn't want to visit friends/family."
As always Glory, your story just has a great sobering affect. To think I avoid eye contact at the grocery store when I see someone I knew from my former fit days, (furthermore, that I have to totally psyche myself up to go into town) , to think I am throwing away the best years of my life -not being fat-but being unhappy because of fat , to think my unhappiness (around self image) is detrimental to my 'marital bliss'... well, these things are just the nails in the coffin for me. Is the buttered toast or milk chocolate really worth it? If one can make a coffin out of heavilly buttered toast, and bars of milk chocolate, I most certainly have !

I think about how much I love, love, love to cook, and thoroughly identify with it :chef:.... well, there's a lot more involved in cooking a 5-star meal than buttered toast or milk chocolate ! In fact, I just don't see how getting rid of trigger foods in my life would keep me from being the chef I strive to be. :broc: In fact, what more worthy of a dedication, than one towards ultimate health food, with a great bit of skill and some extravagance ? :rollpin: I'm sure I could afford this if I would just see how letting go of trigger binges would make all the difference. Oh, and portion control, which comes more easily and naturally after some legitimate successes, I recall.

JayEll : "One must be willing to do that along with looking for root causes. The obession or habit is not likely to be magically lifted without some effort..."

So True JayEll, so true. That's what Babysteps is all about, I imagine. Thanks for the reminder.


Futuresurferchick : " I think many overweight people live cerebral lives. That was certainly true for me. By living a cerebral life I mean existing mostly in our thoughts and our emotions, rather than in the physicality of life. .....

....Ruminating on this over and over again will not serve you. You know that, yet you ruminate. I know the cycle all too well. I hope you can find the support here to break your way out of it. "

Yes, living too cerebral tends to be my problem. I remember those fit days, I was a machine of movement compared to now. No wonder I've gained 55 pounds since.


DCHound : "I don’t care how long it takes. I will not quit. And that means, I’ve already won regardless of what size I wear or what the scale says. It’s all mental. I used to think I had no control and being fat wasn't a choice. Well, I *am* in control and I *do* have a choice. Finally I'm making the right choices."

Yes, I've got to remember the choice factor. Thanks.

Mermom : " I may "live in my head" but that does not mean I have to be alone in my struggles. "

Hello Mermom ! I agree, we need more friends with the struggles, to get over our tragic mental isolation ! :grouphug:

Teawithsunshine : "Honestly, for me-- the "Lightbulb" switch to be thin, never materialized for me (even though I had hoped for one for so many years).

It was really a gradual understanding I wasn't happy with how I felt eating the trigger foods that imprisoned me as a compulsive overeater for nearly 2 decades. Once I realized what I was feeling, and elminated the trigger foods from my diet, it made it so much easier to lose weight.

Even more importantly, losing weight never appeared in that epiphany that I wasn't feeling happy, it was the trigger foods that became my primary concern. Losing the weight has just been a happy side effect "

You said it ! I think that the Trigger Foods are the only foods I must really just give up. It's not only the foods, but when they are eaten. for instance, when DH is home, I do not binge, and can eat just a little dish of icecream (home-made ofcourse) , as well as other things, where as , when I'm alone, I just let the binging roll.....

ThighsBeGone: Being fat robbed me of so much. It defined me, limited me, kept me from what I wanted. It gave me a reason why I didn't deserve xyz. It provided an explanation why I felt like people didn't like me.

No longer will I allow Fat to define me !

Hermit Girl
03-12-2009, 10:57 AM
How are you doing today, Hermit Girl? Did you make it through yesterday alright? I'm on track and these posts first thing in the morning will help keep me on track. So many of you did an outstanding job changing your lives. You are all inspirational.Yesterday now, was better than the day before. And today shall be better still. I've gotten rid of the triggers... I'm on a better focus and when I lose the focus, it wont' be there to rob me of my progress. Thanks.

Lori Bell
03-12-2009, 10:58 AM
Okay, baby steps are great. Rome wasn't built in a day....but remember that babies do eventually RUN!

Take back what is rightfully yours!

ICUwishing
03-12-2009, 01:59 PM
Another thought for you: Your body does remember what it is to be athletic. You can gain that strength back faster than you think, if you work at it. Although it requires better warmup and cooldown than before! And then, as the fat goes away, the muscles will be there waiting!

Nike boiled it down to 3 words: Just do it. :)

Thighs Be Gone
03-14-2009, 07:30 PM
Okay, baby steps are great. Rome wasn't built in a day....but remember that babies do eventually RUN!

Take back what is rightfully yours!


Amen 3FC Sisters!

todayistheday
03-15-2009, 11:12 PM
All I can say is that you are not alone. I've been battling my issues with food for almost 20 years.

Now, I am choosing to take this one day at a time.

That is really all you can do, too. Literally get through your first day. Then try again.

On another thread this was quoted and it is really sticking with me:

"Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Maintenance is hard. Choose your hard."

It clarifies things for me. Is it really easier being fat? No. I have decided that I will not spend the next 20 years of my life with weight and food being my constant inner obsession/struggle. AND you can too ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Hang in there. You have lots of support and understanding from myself and many others.

flatiron
03-16-2009, 12:03 AM
I found myself almost handicapped by my morbid obesity before I started to do something about it. I couldn't stand without leaning on something and if I stood longer that 15 minutes my back used to ache.

My knees and ankles were grinding away. I had high blood pressure and I STILL would eat fast foods. I had pitting edema in my legs and had a hard time dressing myself and yet I still over ate.

I asked myself WHY many times!

I could not think of a reason I just wanted to eat. I liked the way I felt when I ate.

And THEN ... I started to get mad. It made me angry that I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without having to sit down and rest after I did. I was mad that none of my clothes fit and I had resorted to wearing sweatpants every day.

I got mad at "it" ... NOT at myself but "it"

I didn't start losing weight like others have said, until my desire to lose weight became heavier than my urge for food.

MBN
03-16-2009, 09:11 AM
My weight has cycled up and down my entire adult life. For me, it boiled down to a few key things:
- An unhealthy relationship with food. I would eat out of boredom/stress or for comfort. I am a carboholic.
- Sedentary lifestyle -- I just didn't move enough.
- Living in denial that I was slowly gaining more and more weight. I avoided the scale, bought larger sizes, and tried to ignore the whole thing as long as I could.
- When I did take action, it was by way of a crash diet. Sure, I'd lose weight, but it wasn't sustainable, so the cycle would continue.

To be successful I finally had to internalize that this is a PERMANENT lifestyle change involving both eating and exercise, and I had to make it a priority for my health. Period. Forever. It took me a year to lose to my goal, and I've maintained now for 15 months. I still take it one day at a time.

recidivist
03-17-2009, 04:23 AM
That is what is the craziest thing, the wreckless abandonment of any amount of discipline.

Why do we do this? Why do we purposefully choose the prison , the straightjacket, the pain and immobility, , the social judgement, which results in a soul deep acceptance of failure....but what's worse, much worse... why do we accept meandering down the path toward disease and injury related to obesity ???

Well, I'm late coming to this party, but here is my take on it. I think for me it's because the cost of giving up the foods I crave is extremely difficult. When I crave something and have to deny myself, it's an emotional trauma for me. As long as I'm feeling upbeat and capable, I can do it, but each day I deprive myself, I start to feel a little more frustrated with the choice of it being one or the other. It's not a simple choice to make. When I am feeling down or anxious, I know the food will sooth me and be delicious at the same time. Certain foods that please me so much are just not good to eat, even in small quantities (like bacon). I have to make a choice...pleasure now (very short term, but very much something I'll enjoy right now), or pleasure in the future. And that future seems so far away and is so hard to maintain, and it is such a struggle to give up so much to reach that goal. And knowing that you have to give it up forever, not just till you reach your goal. Knowing it will always be a process of denying one pleasure for the goal of the other. It seems so eternal.

If food were just providing sustenance and nutrition it wouldn't be difficult at all...but food offers me so much more. And is always ready for instant gratification and soothing.

It's great to feel strong and accomplished, but sometimes, when life hits below the belt, it's hard to realize that comfort now is not worth the results of giving in.

The only way this will ever become easy for me, is if somehow I lose my addiction to food, and from what I hear from maintainers, that never really happens. It's always waiting to grab you again. So instead of walking away from an addiction and just saying "NO", you have to learn how to take a sip of that wine and walk away before finishing the whole glass. That's not something most alcoholics can do long term, even if they can do it short term. Yet, for someone who's not an alcoholic, it's easy to do.

I believe long term success depends a lot on treating it like a life-time addiction and illness, and staying connected with a program of support and developing good habits of weighing and tracking your food for life, to make sure you don't start to slip up...because once you slip up, you no longer have that feeling of control and success to help keep you strong.

You can never take it for granted that you will remain in control. This is so daunting.

I recognized that for me, the weight is a result of unhappiness - and when I address that "root cause", I won't need the distraction of food any longer.

The only thing I see wrong with this statement is that life is filled with good and bad emotions. You can't have one without the other. So expecting to address a root cause and suddenly have no more unhappiness in your life, is not realistic. You need to accept that for you food is a coping mechanism for times you feel out of control, and you need to learn new mechanisms because those times will come again...no matter how many issues you resolve.

I do agree with you that finding your passion in life is part of the answer...just not all of it. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and you cannot live up to your passion. You still need a coping mechanism until you can find a new passion that fullfills you.

There is a lot of empowerment in gradual little baby accomplishments... which rev the engine of motivation

I agree, and part of this whole education process is in learning that even when you mess up and fall off the wagon, it's not a trajedy (it's actually part of the process), and you need to accept that, and tell yourself it's OK...and get back on again as soon as you can. Being human, it's actually pretty natural to get tired and fall off once in a while...it's a matter of how much you beat yourself up over falling off, and how much you accept it as part of the process...if you beat yourself up too much, you lose the sense of empowerment you were learning to depend on. And it's that sense of empowerment that will keep us at our goal for life.

For me the switch is in realizing the agony of giving up my unhealthy eating habits, is really less painful than the agony of living as a fat person...and somehow staying focused on that forever. It's kind of like hitting bottom for me...when I've been feeling unempowered for too long, until I hit bottom, I can't seem to kick myself in the butt to get started again...until I finally realize how miserable I am living like this.

Cie
03-17-2009, 02:22 PM
Excellent thread! I was looking at my old journals the other day and your observations could have been me word for word. The pain of seeing my life consumed with binges and why I continued to do it was beyond frustrating. Like you I knew what it was doing to my body but felt helpless.

For me to stop all of that and get to goal was to become mindful of my eating and my life. It didn't happen overnight and I tweaked my WOE a few times before success happened in 2008. For me it wasn't about motivation. Jonny Bowden has written about how any addiction changes your brain chemistry and one ends up fighting with oneself. The self hatred that comes with the binges was part of the parcel of cyclical binging for me. I finally learned to forgive myself and valued my life enough to stop the madness.

The trigger for my weight gain was when I gave up on my self after losing a job. It was a traumatic experience that brought back embedded experiences of abuse from childhood. It also a triggering event of feeling I was going to die young that woke me up. Sleep apnea, pre-diabetes and heart palpitations are pretty scary things.

Hermit Girl. thanks for starting this thread with incisive questions. Recidivist, words of wisdom. Someone who has been there and willing to share. Everyone else, it was through tears I read some of your words. This forum has been a lifesaver for me, I am convinced of it. On other boards people always ask what my "secret" is for getting to goal. I tell them "blood, sweat and tears"!

I found my answers for why I became obese and then found success. I wish success for everyone. :goodluck: on becoming a chef Hermit Girl.