Weight Loss Support - Pushing People Away...




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hcred123
03-01-2009, 08:21 PM
I hate that I do it but when i start to diet, I always push away the people that are trying to help me. My boyfriend suggested that I not get desert after dinner today and it was something I really wanted and I got upset with him for almost an hour afterwards. Does anyone else have this problem? You know that your loved ones are just trying to help you reach your goal but you still get angry with them when they tell you things you dont want to hear...I really do feel terrible. Food should not have this kind of power over me and my relationships!


RN BSN 2009
03-01-2009, 08:25 PM
Yup. I have them banned from commenting about anything.

frieden
03-01-2009, 08:32 PM
Is it the food, or is it that you just don't like that style of "helping". Helping is in quotes because while it's usually done out of good intentions, that style of trying to guide people's diets rarely goes over well. It can make people defensive, which I think is a natural reaction. Maybe you could suggest ways for your friends/family to help that won't make you feel bad? Like asking you to go for a walk with him, after dinner, or finding a new healthy recipe he'd like to try etc.


kisskiss
03-01-2009, 08:37 PM
I get you. I hate when my mom tells me "are you sure you want that (insert dessert)". I mean, usually if I am splurging on a dessert it's because I am within my caloric means. and even if I am not, I still don't need someone telling me what I can and cannot eat, even if they say it with the best intentions..but I try not to get mad. Bc i know they are trying to help me. I just feel like I know what I can and Can't eat. {hugs}

MandiK
03-01-2009, 08:56 PM
I would get annoyed too! When you plan a special treat into your day, it's frustrating when people make comments about it. Just let your family/friends/bf know that you are going to do this diet your way and please try not to help you, even though you know that they mean the best.

I was at my cousins baby shower last weekend and my sister said "You can't have cake, it's not on your diet".... I was mad! I can have anything I want, as long as I plan it into my day. I didn't even WANT cake, so why would she say anything about it?

Lori Bell
03-01-2009, 08:58 PM
Did you ask your boyfriend to "help" you? or does he think it's his place to tell what you should or shouldn't eat? I mean did you say something like, "Honey, I REALLY want to lose weight and I'm having a hard time giving up desserts, will you help me avoid them?" Or is he being a male shovanist and wants his woman "thin and hot" ? If it's the latter, get used to it honey, because he'll never change. ;)

I dated a very overweight guy once back in college and at the time I was probably around 170 pounds (and always on a diet), and he was probably 300 pounds. He'd eat dessert but lecture me almost any time I ate anything...Thankfully he dumped me when I gained 10 pounds...lol

jajabee
03-01-2009, 09:27 PM
Well... it depends on how he says it, but if you're on plan and have worked in the dessert, why not just tell him (in a non-defensive and understanding way) that you've budgeted in this treat by being extra good the rest of the day, and you've really been looking forward to it? And if you haven't budgeted it in, and eating the dessert will put you off-plan... well... maybe you shouldn't have the dessert? Again, it's all about how he says it, and if there's no way he can say it that won't make you upset, then it's probably best to just explain to him (at some time other than dessert time) that this is something you're going to have to do yourself, without input from him. Good luck!

loveLauren
03-01-2009, 09:37 PM
After many failed dieting, I finally asked my bf for some help. He'd always let me cave and get whatever I felt like and this time I really want to do this. So whenever I get pouty about wanting some Ben & Jerry's, he throws it back in my face, which I need. Tough Love.

But I know what you're going through. I hate being told what to do. Especially about eating. Because I always always take it the wrong way. And the worst part is, I know I'm being a brat about it, too.

But I agree with the other posters, next time just tell him calmly that you'd like to diet your own way and thank him for the help.

PleaseLuise
03-01-2009, 09:41 PM
If you don't want him to be your "food police", tell him. If you feel like you need that, accept what he says and don't eat the dessert.

Men aren't mind readers, he needs some boundaries. If he chooses to cross them after you have laid them out. Lay him out.

I know that is easier said than done...

brooksrm
03-01-2009, 09:45 PM
I'm in kind of the same situation but not really. People offer me junk food all the time and I decline politely trying to explain that I'm watching what I eat. But then when I slip up, or even when I budget for a treat, I hear about it! I just take it in stride and take one day at a time. It also depends on the source. Some people comment because they want me to succeed, but other people I think are jealous, or frustrated because I didn't want to give in when they wanted me to.

badbaum
03-01-2009, 11:59 PM
This is one of the toughest problems, I think. My husband is super supportive, and has point-blank asked me what I needed from him. He has says he just has no idea how to talk to me about food. And honestly, I don't know what to tell him. Sometimes I want him to intervene, and sometimes I don't. But he can't read my mind. So sometimes, if he says something I am not in the mood to hear, I try to remind myself that he is just trying to help. And I tell him to back off if necessary, and he does!

Not to mention, I know he loves me the way I am. I know, if it weren't for me trying so hard, he wouldn't be saying anything.

Can you have an honest talk with him? If this is a serious relationship, he needs to know where you are coming from and how you can communicate in the long term about eating/dieting etc. It is never perfect, but at least talking about it is a good step.

Athendta
03-02-2009, 06:33 AM
I have the same problem with my husband. One one hand, I don't want him to enable me. On the other, I don't want him to not let me have something I had planned into my diet. It sucks, because it's just so easy when he's around, to go out to eat, but then if I tell him not to let me, it backfires when I PLANNED eating out into my diet for the day. LOL

Really, the only cure is to tell everyone not to say anything about what you eat, and also not to OFFER anything, and to learn willpower on your own. Willpower is hard to develop, too.

hotnewspirits
03-02-2009, 11:41 AM
I have explicitly told my boyfriend that things he can do to help me are:

1) If I'm having dinner at your house, try to make it healthy, no white rice or potatoes. steamed vegetables and protein and salad or whatever.

2) Not tempt me into eating out.

3) If I choose to have dessert or a small bowl of ice cream, SAY NOTHING. I know better than any one what I want to eat and what I deserve. If I want to have a treat after dinner on a Saturday night I don't want my boyfriend sizing what I'm eating up.

It's awesome having support from your significant other, but in the end it's really up to YOU. You can't get all diet gung-ho and tell hm to stop you from eating any and all sweets and then get angry when you want a treat and he gives you a look. I'm doing this for me, I'm doing it to benefit myself, and I don't want a physical manifestation of my diet conscience around plagueing me.

moonkissed
03-02-2009, 01:30 PM
sigh I wish my husband was a mind reader lol. There are times when I wish he would just be like hmm are you sure you really want that and other times that even if he gives me a look it would break my heart or have me angry lol.

I think we have to remember it isn't easy for those around us too. They probably feel a bit helpless and unsure how to approach us about the subject. I think it is important to be open and honest and clearly say what you expect from them. I know when I told my husband I wanted support that it was not a clear enough answer because we had very different ideas about what support meant lol.

In the end for me atleast I find it best if they just offer encouragement, positive stuff only and leave the rest to me. If I screw up it is on me and I am the only one that can really know what my current plan is or what I am thinking so it is best this way.

Athendta
03-02-2009, 01:35 PM
My husband knows by now, at least, not to bring treats into the house. If he does want a big bag of candy for himself (he has better self control and won't eat it all in one sitting like me), he knows he had better hide it, and hide it good, or else I will eat it ALL and then be pissed at him.

Amber1011
03-02-2009, 02:34 PM
I know how all of this is!
I feel bad for my boyfriend because I do ask for his help, but then when something comes up I get mad at him. I have a problem with food... a big problem. I know I want his help, but times come up where I "know" I want _____ treat that I don't need anyway.
*sigh*

Areia
03-02-2009, 02:37 PM
I find it takes a lot of communication to make sure that the people I want support from know how to support me.

My husband knows not to tell me I shouldn't have something, but instead to suggest better options when he thinks I'm about to eat something I probably shouldn't. He'll ask if I want to split a dessert at a restaurant, or offer to get me a diet soda-based drink at a bar so friends won't tempt me with high-calorie cocktails. I found that it reminds me to think about what I'm about to have, but still gives me the option to go ahead and get it.

hcred123
03-02-2009, 02:42 PM
Thank you everyone for posting! I know exactly how you all feel and I really appreciate you sharing your stories and ways to handle this situation with me! I actually asked him to help me keep on track and I guess I wasnt clear with him that I had planned it into my day. I think what set me off was him saying "I just dont know how to handle all this. You want me to help you but when I try, you get mad at me." I guess I just have to keep telling myself that he cant read my mind and to talk to him about when and how he should talk to me about food. I have such a problem controling it on my own but I also cant control my temper...I guess I'll try harder next time to just make the decision on my own and let him know what I am thinking before I get mad! Thanks again everyone :-D