Weight Loss Support - Guys Just Aren't Interested




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vikkivma
02-28-2009, 11:59 PM
I'm back again -- hopefully to stay. I've re-gained a great deal of weight, which upsets me, but at least I'm trying once more.

I feel incredibly frustrated when it comes to my weight and dating. I see other girls -- heavier than I am -- with boyfriends and husbands, and I can't get a date to save my life.

I spent the past two months getting coffee with a guy, meeting up with him at friends' parties, talking to him for hours, and I finally lay it out -- saying that I liked him, and he said he just wanted to be friends and that he's not looking for a relationship right now.

Which is complete BS, since he talked last night about a couple of really attractive girls he knows who he'd ask out if they were single. I figured he was just doing it to make me jealous, but obviously not.

I'm just so frustrated. I know that I shouldn't feel like my weight is the only thing holding me back from having a boyfriend, but I also feel used by the situation -- why was he inviting me to all of these things, having coffee with me, talking to me for hours, if he wasn't interested?

And, unfortunately, the only thing I seem to be able to point to is my appearance. In a weird way, as much as it should inspire me to lose weight, it makes me angry that people can't see past pounds and that men have this incredibly high standard by which they judge women at this age (21) because of the media.

I'm just... exhausted.


corazonas
03-01-2009, 12:12 AM
:(

:hug:

he's out there... and you'll find him. no matter how much you weigh. but you gotta love you first.

geoblewis
03-01-2009, 12:35 AM
Oh honey, {{{big hugs!}}}, indulge me with putting on my maternal hat here, because you are sooooooooo worth it!!!

What you're learning from these sorts of "relationships" is how important you are to yourself, and how strong and emotionally resilient you can be. It's the sort of thing women of any size goes through during their maturation process. There are a wide range of women who never realize how strong they are, because some idiot always wants them because they're "hot". And when that relationship ends, there's just another idiot waiting to take their place. And the women never fully realize their character fully developed.

You have an opportunity to really develop your personal integrity, to make choices because you genuinely want to move in a specific direction in your life because you believe in yourself and in your choices for yourself. This means taking risks, even in relationships that won't work out. You will always have yourself to rely on. When you have developed the right sort of self-confidence that you need, you will be attracting the sort of people in your life that will allow you to be yourself and enjoy you for who you are.

I'm in the process of getting divorced from my husband of 25 years. He's an idiot. I mean really an idiot! I married him when I was 22, when I was an idiot, when I didn't believe in myself at all, when I thought no one would ever want me...and I was at my goal weight! Now I'm twice as big, and thrilled to be free, because I truly believe in myself. I have lots of really good friends, with both men and women. I have a full and rich life. I'm doing things that I want to do. I love my life!

Make your life a complete life for yourself. When you're doing what you really love to do, you won't be exhausted and frustrated. You'll care for yourself better, and you'll be energized and attractive...especially to yourself!

I believe in you!

Georgia

My blog: http://half-the-woman.blogspot.com/


Ookpik
03-01-2009, 12:48 AM
Agree with Corazonas. I am pretty much in the same boat as you -- in the past, whenever a guy I liked didn't like me back I always rationalized that it was because of my weight. In the past couple of years I have lost some weight, I'm still not at goal yet, but I notice that I attract more men now and that could be because I'm more confident, friendlier and a little more outgoing than before.

Keep the faith! Mr. Right will be along soon! :)

kaplods
03-01-2009, 01:00 AM
Confidence definitely attracts attention. Also knowing what you want in a guy. When I generically "wanted to be wanted," it seemed that no one wanted me, but when I knew exactly what I wanted and demanded it, I had a lot more attention (even though I was nearly at my highest weight at the time).

It reminds me of the book, why men love *****es - it seems that guys don't want to be wanted the easy way, they want to have to work to impress women. I know this is a stereotype, but it's crazy to me that I had more dates at 365 lbs than I did at 200, and I think largely because I had decided that I LIKED living alone, and I didn't want just any guy, I wanted a very specific kind of guy, and if I couldn't find him, I'd would prefer to be alone.

I have complete confidence that you will find who you're looking for, when you're more confident in who you are and what you want. There are a lot of reasons that people have difficulty finding the "right one," and most of them have little to do with appearance - even really ugly people do find love.

gymlee
03-01-2009, 01:48 AM
Aw I'm sorry babe. That totally sucks. I haven't really had that kind of situation in a while (almost 2 years! :yikes:) since I've just kind of taken myself out of the relationship track. I have a lot of issues relating to relationships and weight and how I felt the number on the scale somehow determined the kind of relationship I was worth. I think when I was at my heaviest I felt as if I didn't deserve any kind of relationship because I was so fat and worthless (which of course I know right now is not true!). I'm a firm believer in the fact in some ways we manifest our own destiny through our thoughts so you may be subconsciously thinking something to attract the kind of guy that is looking for a relationship but not necessarily with you because maybe even though you think you should have a relationship that maybe you really don't want one right now which is okay too. Just because we're young (I'm only 2 years older than you) doesn't mean we have to have a boyfriend and have all the other things going on in our lives that other 20 somethings have. When it's time it'll happen, and I know for me that time isn't really now because I want to be selfish and take the time to grow and learn about myself and to love myself so that I can become the kind of person I want to be BEFORE I get into the relationship that I want. Right now the whole relationship thing isn't on the top of my priority list but if it is for you try to think of what you want from a relationship and use that to develop positive affirmations related to the situation and settle for nothing less than what you want because you deserve it! :)

vikkivma
03-01-2009, 11:13 AM
Thank you to everyone. Last night was a little rough, but I dropped 3.2 pounds from yesterday -- which is enough to put anyone in a good mood. lol.

Also... I think gymlee really hit it on the head. I was going, "Why aren't I good enough?" and I realized that the guy I was friend-seeing... I really wasn't that interested in. I kept saying, "This is the sort of guy I should like." and I think I just really wanted a boyfriend.

Whatever his issue is, I'm not sure -- I still maintain that nobody spends that much time inviting someone places and asking them for coffee at school as just a "friend" thing, especially since we did flirt, but that's his problem. It's also the reason he never has a girlfriend, IMO.

I'm not attacking him, but it does feel better to say, "Maybe this wasn't the person for me" rather than, "Why aren't I the person for him?"

nelie
03-01-2009, 12:10 PM
vikkima - I've actually been on both sides...

I've had really good relationships with guys where we did everything together but they weren't interested in dating me. They wanted that friendship and someone to be there. The one guy in particular was basically in love with another girl that didn't want him for anything more than a friend. Of course I felt my heart strings pulled and really he would flirt with me and try to encourage me but I'm not sure if he meant to do it, but he was playing with my emotions.

On the other side, I've gone out with a couple guys that I just wasn't interested in a relationship with but I liked hanging out with them. I ended both friendships because they were very interested in me and I just wanted to be friends and they couldn't accept that. There was nothing physical about them that detracted me, I just didn't feel that click with them.

navygirl79
03-01-2009, 12:47 PM
Just relax....I have dated many many many people in my life (I am only 29) and have been dumped, I have been treated badly, and I have moved on. I have also done the dumping. You have to just wait it out and not be in a rush. How old are you? I just recently (within the past year) met the guy i have been waiting for my whole life....and ya know what?? all of those bad experiences made it all worth it, because it made me who I am today-and it made me appreciate the fact that I have a guy who loves me.
Just breathe. It will happen to you. And it will happen when you least expect it to. Just relax and enjoy the ride. Everything happens for a reason :) Good luck!!

vikkivma
03-01-2009, 01:03 PM
I'm 21, and the thing is that I've never had a boyfriend. Now consciously I know a big part of it is that I don't flirt, because I feel unworthy (due to my weight), but it becomes a vicious cycle -- I don't flirt, because I don't feel desired, but I don't feel desired because I don't make others feel desired.

I should probably rephrase and be honest -- I've never been liked back -- I have been hit on.

And the thing is... I know everyone says that eventually you'll find "that person" or even "a person", but... at 21, isn't this a little late to have never dated?

aneleh
03-01-2009, 01:23 PM
but... at 21, isn't this a little late to have never dated?

No it is not!! I have a couple friends who have never had relationships and they are super fun and outgoing, and there is nothing wrong with them! I like your idea that you should be thinking 'is this the guy for you', not 'are you good enough for the guy'.
Don't go out with someone you aren't really interested in, you have the right to be choosy, you seem like an awesome girl!

gymlee
03-01-2009, 04:56 PM
I agree with aneleh. Like I said I'm only 2 years older than you and I've only had like a handfull of boyfriends if that and the relationships didn't even last that long! The longest one was on and off for about 9 months and the other were guys I just kinda dated and fooled around with (not my proudest thing) and not that I'm saying I regret what I did with those guys but in some ways it was a was of time and emotion. There is no harm in knowing what you want and holding out for it. Since then I've become very picky about guys I even consider going out on a date with or hanging out because they have to have to be at a certain level and even then I've been burned but you keep on truckin'. :halffull: That's why I am now just kinda pulling myself out of the game and focusing on myself and maybe it might not be the worst thing for you to do the same. Just my opinion though. :hug:

kelly315
03-01-2009, 05:37 PM
There are girls much bigger and I'm sure much less pretty than you that are in relationships that make them happy... I'll bet that the only thing they have that you don't is confidence. According to your height and weight, your BMI is just BARELY overweight, and I know that's not everything, but remember that! I bet you that if I saw your picture, I wouldn't think you were overweight. Just try to put yourself in perspective, and you'll realize that your weight is probably only a problem for you! There are tons of guys out there just waiting for you to step out of your protection zone and into their lives.

Good luck :)

thistoo
03-01-2009, 06:00 PM
at 21, isn't this a little late to have never dated?

One of my good friends is 27 and she's never had a boyfriend because she's bookish and shy and insecure about her body. It's not 'too late'; there are no hard and fast rules for this sort of thing. It's just a matter of confidence, like you've already been told by the smart women here :)

You are worth loving, you just have to start believing it.

grneyedmustang
03-01-2009, 06:07 PM
I'm back again -- hopefully to stay. I've re-gained a great deal of weight, which upsets me, but at least I'm trying once more.

I feel incredibly frustrated when it comes to my weight and dating. I see other girls -- heavier than I am -- with boyfriends and husbands, and I can't get a date to save my life.

I spent the past two months getting coffee with a guy, meeting up with him at friends' parties, talking to him for hours, and I finally lay it out -- saying that I liked him, and he said he just wanted to be friends and that he's not looking for a relationship right now.

Which is complete BS, since he talked last night about a couple of really attractive girls he knows who he'd ask out if they were single. I figured he was just doing it to make me jealous, but obviously not.

I'm just so frustrated. I know that I shouldn't feel like my weight is the only thing holding me back from having a boyfriend, but I also feel used by the situation -- why was he inviting me to all of these things, having coffee with me, talking to me for hours, if he wasn't interested?

And, unfortunately, the only thing I seem to be able to point to is my appearance. In a weird way, as much as it should inspire me to lose weight, it makes me angry that people can't see past pounds and that men have this incredibly high standard by which they judge women at this age (21) because of the media.

I'm just... exhausted.

This is the story of my life. I'm not going to tell you that "he's out there somewhere, just hang in there" - because frankly, I'm tired of hearing that. I've been on a few dates and I almost always end up in the "you're a great girl, but I just see us being friends" boat. It drives me INSANE. Then there was the date where the guy walked out on me and left me in the movie alone, but that's a story for another day.

Just know that you're not in the "single and can't get a date" boat alone. :hug: And at least you're only 21...that helps!

I do agree with the posters that say focus on yourself and just "keep it moving". What I've done in the meantime, for myself, is to set goals for myself - which don't focus on finding a mate. I called it "five goals in five years". One of my goals is to take a major trip/vacation once a year. Traveling helps fill the void, so to speak.

And congrats on the weight loss, BTW. :)

Daimere
03-01-2009, 06:50 PM
Honestly, the best thing for me was to stop focusing on getting a boyfriend but to start focusing on the weight loss. Within that time, boys started to like me because I liked myself.

flatiron
03-01-2009, 06:55 PM
I spent the past two months getting coffee with a guy, meeting up with him at friends' parties, talking to him for hours, and I finally lay it out -- saying that I liked him, and he said he just wanted to be friends and that he's not looking for a relationship right now..

Vicki trust me take it from a guy there are PLENTY of guys out there that actually prefer a gal (me included! LOL) with meat on their bones! :D

And trust me again if a guy is really interested in you it won't take him 2 months of coffee drinking and talking to make his move!

You are still young and you have lots of time so just get out there and have a good time.

It has been MY personal experience that whenever I look for love (or worse chase after it) it seems to run from me as fast as I run towards it BUT... it's when I am not looking it hit's me right between the eyes unexpextedly every time! LOL!

I never meet anyone when I am all dressed up and at a club it is ALWAYS when I am wearing sweats and at the grocery store or laundrymat! LOL!

Just remember the more you go out the better the odds of finding your soulmate! He's out there somewhere waiting! :D

fatmad
03-01-2009, 07:02 PM
my daughter, a lovely young woman, with a body to DIE for, was dumped on valentines day! his loss
The big thing is, he wasn't that into her.
And if after a couple of months, things weren't moving along, he wasn't that into you, and vice-versa no?
But obviously, there are things about you he did enjoy, and liked. Just not the chemistry, and you deserve ALL the good stuff, and will find it elsewhere.
I guarantee, the weight isn't the issue. I bet you have plenty of sexy, and the right guy will see it fine.
good luck

recidivist
03-01-2009, 07:19 PM
I'm 21, and the thing is that I've never had a boyfriend. Now consciously I know a big part of it is that I don't flirt, because I feel unworthy (due to my weight), but it becomes a vicious cycle -- I don't flirt, because I don't feel desired
There is more going on here than "I feel unworthy due to my weight"'

It sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues, related to more than your weight. If you had self-confidence, it wouldn't matter if you were slightly over-weight. Your weight gain may even be a matter of self-protection...it gives you an excuse not to be attractive to men, instead of looking at the real reason. You need to feel confident and attractive in yourself first, before a guy will be attracted to you, and it's not your body that makes you feel that way. You are young, and have a lot of time to develop and grow up, but I think you need to do some introspection on why you feel so unworthy. It might help you to get some counseling. It might prevent you from living a life of dieting and self-flaggellation, and not understanding why you gain weight and why you feel so desperate for a relationship. Desperation is not attractive.

And I speak from a perspective of a woman who has lived her life doing what you are doing now. I have been thin and had men attracted to me...not because I was thin, but because that was the only time I had self-confidence. But then they discovered my other flaws, and I'd have problems with my relationships, caused by the issues that I never resolved, and I'd gain weight and allow myself an excuse for why men weren't attracted to me anymore.

I'm safe now. I'm old and don't care if men are attracted to me any more, so it's OK to lose the weight now for myself. I don't need that shield any more.

You are looking for a guy to "fix you" and you need to learn that until you fix yourself, you will not be able to find or hold onto a healthy relationship.

You need to learn to love yourself. You need to learn to value your good qualities and forgive yourself for your imperfections.

Justwant2Bhealthy
03-01-2009, 09:16 PM
You have been given a lot of good advice here; I had more dates when I was heavier than when I was slimmer, and ... I met my husband when I was heavier too. Like you, I thought 10-20 lbs was the problem; no, it wasn't ... I just wasn't that interested and it showed. Later, I learned to like myself the way I was; and wasn't even looking for a partner at all (even thought I would gladly stay single for the rest of my life), when I met my DH.

I agree with FLATIRON also, if that man was interested in you in a romantic way, he would have made that clear right away; like the first time you were alone together ... :lol: NOTE TO SELF: if a guy is romantically interested in me, wild horses couldn't drag him away or stop him from showing it! ;) My brother told me that once and he was right!

Also, there are many men who are outrageous flirts, and they are just stroking their own egos; many have wives or girlfriends, and very unkindly give other women the wrong idea becuz they're on a "ME" trip ... run away from those creeps or tell them to take a hike to Iceland!;)

Sad thing is -- you have to watch out for those kind of guys who just want to be friends; don't wait 2 months again. Be upfront right away; I was and that cleared the way for the one I would meet later. BTW, I didn't get married until I was '30' years young; so at 21, you are a baby! :D

Don't be in such a rush: spend some time getting to know yourself, and having some fun and adventure with 'real' girlfriends. That time will help you grow -- learning to appreciate the many wonderful qualities you already have, and building your confidence; then someday, when you least expect it, you will meet him and you will know, just know ... that he's the one! :hug:

brooksrm
03-01-2009, 10:54 PM
I hear where you're coming from. I've always been chunky and I haven't been on a date since May 2004. And it's not for lack of looking, or talking to guys. I've even been told, "If you'd lose some of the weight, I'd go out with you in a heartbeat!"

When I started losing weight, I was doing it for them. I've always known that I wanted a guy who liked the inside me more than the outside me, but even now I don't think people stick around long enough to get to know the inside me if they don't like the outside first. BUT!!!!!!! When I started working out and exercising, I started feeling a lot less desperate. I have a little more confidence now, and it didn't take a weight loss of huge amounts to even get that back. And now I feel--honestly--that I'm ok without a man. When the past 4 and a half years I've been mourning a broken engagement, I'm finally ~starting~ to feel more ok with myself.

I know that's probably not what you want to hear, that you'll be ok without a man, but I truly believe we have to learn to be ok with ourselves first. I have a long way to go, and I know it's a difficult journey, but it's one we've got to take.

vikkivma
03-04-2009, 10:10 AM
I think you're right, recidivist -- I definitely think I partly keep the weight on to have an excuse. After all, "everybody knows" guys don't like heavy girls, so if I can blame it on that, then I don't have to blame it on any other factor.

I think it just really didn't help that this particular guy was suddenly acting like, "Oh, I only date Bar Rafaeli" or whatever. He's overweight, too. And it's probably just his own insecurities, but it still felt like, "Gee, even someone who should be in my 'league' doesn't want me."

I agree with FLATIRON also, if that man was interested in you in a romantic way, he would have made that clear right away; like the first time you were alone together ... NOTE TO SELF: if a guy is romantically interested in me, wild horses couldn't drag him away or stop him from showing it! My brother told me that once and he was right!


That was the thing, though -- he did. Which is why I think he has his own set of insecurities. As bad as this sounds, I think he liked me (because he would always give me these lingering hugs, ask me to stay longer, sit with me, whisper with me in movies, etc.) but I think he wants to *date* a girl for show. The funny thing is that his best friend is with a bigger girl, and the other friends constantly mock him for dating a "harpie". This guy doesn't date, so I think he just assumes that if you're not dating some super-hot chick, everyone will make fun of you.

I've even been told, "If you'd lose some of the weight, I'd go out with you in a heartbeat!"

Some people are unbelievable.

I know that's probably not what you want to hear, that you'll be ok without a man, but I truly believe we have to learn to be ok with ourselves first. I have a long way to go, and I know it's a difficult journey, but it's one we've got to take.

It wouldn't have been what I'd wanted to hear two days ago, but I'd much rather hear it now -- the fact is that I want a PhD, and I'm not even done my Undergrad. That's a lot of moving around, instability and just a lack of knowing where I'll be a year from now... for about the next 7-10 years or so. I need to get okay with me first, because I have a lot going on in my own life to let this one little chunk bring me down.

munchievictim
03-05-2009, 01:06 AM
I weigh around the same as you and the other day (literally just the other day) I was feeling depressed about myself and my weight and the fact that people don't openly hit on me the way they do alll of my gorgeous skinny girlfriends.
But then I started to think about the fact that, like you, I avoid social situations that make me uncomfortable. I avoid making eye contact with guys or talking to guys because I don't want to put myself out there the slightest bit for fear of being mocked or rejected. I would always rather seem like the least-interested person in the room than the desperate fat girl.
BUT that day I decided to start making a concerted effort to take myself out of the comfort zone and make myself uncomfortable--get out of the house more, make direct eye contact and be assertive and friendly and personable. All my life I would rather stay home and watch movies or read books alone than go out and feel the slightest bit uncomfortable about myself or feel like I was being judged by every one else.
Literally as soon as I made the decision to say yes more, put myself out there and turn on the charm, beam self-confidence even though I have very little, I had three guys all equally interested in me. Three VERY CUTE guys. Two of which I've had big crushes on since high school. I hadn't lost any obvious weight at all, looked the same as I have my ENTIRE life, and that one simple change was like flipping on a lightbulb. and the moths came.
Don't be afraid to take the risks--I know how risky it can feel to actually strike up a conversation with a cute guy, or even to put yourself in a social situation outside of your comfort zone.
The thing is, if you think you're fabulous, other people will think so too. Its as if the suggestion that you are a hot piece of, well, you know, becomes written across your face and people automatically believe that its true. People used to tell me this all the time in high school when I was just as shy and awkward as I am now, but I didn't know how to apply it then because I didn't believe it then. But once I started believing that I was a catch, it appears I became one. When you walk into a room with determined self confidence, it shows, and people pick up on that and are attracted to it, no matter how light or heavy you may be. don't let a few extra pounds dictate your life. You're obviously a fabulous and very smart girl (who doesn't want to date a Ph.D?) so don't wait around for everybody else to get it before you do.

Hypra
03-05-2009, 02:02 AM
There is nothing wrong with you.

The truth is, at 21, most guys are not interested in a relationship, no matter what you look like. They want to party and meet lots of girls.

You said it yourself, heavier girls are getting boyfriends. Honestly, most guys really don't think it's that big a deal if you're overweight. Especially you girl, for your height you are really not *that* heavy. Men don't get enough credit sometimes - if a guy is actually mature enough and ready to be in a relationship, he's not going to write you off for being slightly over weight. We woman tend to think men have this incredibly high standard for us, but really, we judge each other and ourselves way more harshly than they ever do.

The 20 lbs you want to lose will not prevent you from finding a boyfriend. But being self conscious, trying to pick out flaws in yourself, convincing yourself that all men expect and want you to look like some celebrity ... those things will get in the way. Be confident in your body and your self, and you will have *no* trouble finding a man.

paperSkin
03-05-2009, 12:13 PM
I totally agree with what everyone is saying here. This is great advice. The only thing I want to add is that even when you lose whatever weight you are trying to lose, things will be the same for you if you don't feel that you are worthy of the attention. We all deserve to be liked, loved, and cherished.

As for this guy, don't assume that he has his act together. He might not know what he wants yet either. He might not have confidence in himself, he might like someone else. Him rejecting you has nothing to do with you. He obviously thinks you are worthy of spending time with, as he has asked you out for coffees and what not.

Love yourself and then love will surround you.

vikkivma
03-06-2009, 10:55 AM
I think that's just it, munchievictim -- I think a part of me is aware that I'm shut down to guys. When I honestly thought about it, after having my pity party, guys try to catch my eye on the bus all the time. It's this weird thing... I think because the guy I liked in elementary school right as I was hitting puberty called me "Fatty" and used to talk about how disgusting I was to all of his guy friends... but it's almost as though I think that if a guy is trying to hit on me... secretly he's making fun of me.

I feel that way any time I get hit on blatantly, which isn't often, but it happens. Usually by middle-eastern, or east-indian or black guys, since that stereotype appears to have held pretty true. But regardless, I always blush and stutter and try to get away. Not because I'm not interested, but I'm sure it's a joke.

Which I'll have to get over. One 13-year-old jerk can't mess me up for the rest of my life.

The truth is, at 21, most guys are not interested in a relationship, no matter what you look like. They want to party and meet lots of girls.

Yeah, and this guy I think has supermodel syndrome and thinks he's going to bag some 20-year-old model-looking girl if he just keeps his standards high enough. I get the feeling that if we'd gone to bed, that would have been fine, but the fact that I wanted to date him was the problem -- he didn't want to be known as my boyfriend. Whatever.

I totally agree with what everyone is saying here. This is great advice. The only thing I want to add is that even when you lose whatever weight you are trying to lose, things will be the same for you if you don't feel that you are worthy of the attention. We all deserve to be liked, loved, and cherished.

As for this guy, don't assume that he has his act together. He might not know what he wants yet either. He might not have confidence in himself, he might like someone else. Him rejecting you has nothing to do with you. He obviously thinks you are worthy of spending time with, as he has asked you out for coffees and what not.

Love yourself and then love will surround you.

Thank you, and this has helped enormously -- everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this.

Honestly, your first statement is the truest. The bad thing is that I remember when I was 160 pounds the last time, I got really arrogant about my looks because I hadn't been thin in forever, and I was 15. But apart from that, I had no trouble flirting. I was a HUGE flirt. So I tied all of my self-worth to being "thin" and assumed this unlocked some magic gate of flirtiness. lol.

This is a sweet guy -- don't take my last statement the wrong way, but I think he has a similar issue -- he feels like he needs to land a spectacular girl and this will solve *his* problems. Well, no girl will EVER be good enough to solve all of his problems and make him some bigshot. So eventually he'll have to deal with that, but it's not my business any longer.

Windchime
03-06-2009, 11:32 AM
One of my good friends is 27 and she's never had a boyfriend because she's bookish and shy and insecure about her body. It's not 'too late'; there are no hard and fast rules for this sort of thing. It's just a matter of confidence, like you've already been told by the smart women here :)

You are worth loving, you just have to start believing it.

Another anecdote: My nephew is 26 and I don't know that he's ever had a date. He's tall, nice looking, as funny as can be, and has a great job and work ethic. He's just very shy and doesn't pursue girls even though he likes them. So 21 is not too old to never have had a date; many people (including me!) would be better off if they had slowed down, taken the time to do the things they want to do and learn who they are before they get mixed up in a relationship.

I'm in my 40's and have been divorced for 12 years. I have kids your age, Vikkivma. And I still struggle with societal pressures, which makes me question, "Why have I been single so long? Am I unloveable? Do I have some fatal flaw that I'm not seeing?". The reality is that I LIKE being single, even though I also feel lonely sometimes. So I think that the struggle that you're going through is a very human one, and it's just the place that you are right now. Keep focused on being true to yourself, keeping healthy, developing your interests and stay open to the possibilities that life offers!

MandiK
03-06-2009, 11:46 AM
I'm not saying that you are desperate, but sometimes girls who really want a boyfriend give off a sense of desperation to guys and they hate that. As soon as I actually truly stopped wanting a boyfriend and was really into being single, I met my husband... go figure!
Take a break... for the next few months promise yourself that you are going to be into you and you only. Get your hair done, get a spray tan, get a pedicure and forget about the guys.... Once they think they can't have you, they'll want you!

wendyland
03-06-2009, 12:02 PM
I got divorced over 4 years ago. I weighed close to the same that I weigh now. Maybe 10 lbs lighter. I had never really dated before, so I was excited to get out there and meet new people. I really like having a partner and being in love. So, I joined several dating websites and started chatting with people. I was honest about who I was. I also knew that some guys wouldn't even talk to me because I was overweight. It really didn't bother me. I think that everyone has their preferences. I certainly didn't like everyone out there. I had no problem finding guys that liked me. I had more of a problem finding guys that I liked. I think what helped was my attitude towards the situation. I was determined that there was someone out there for me and that I was going to go through a whole bunch of bad dates to get there. And there were some really bad ones.

Actually, the person that I met really early on ended up being my husband. It just took us awhile to get exclusive. I'm so happy that I didn't let my weight get in the way. I also never went into the date thinking that they wouldn't like me. I came in with and open mind and an open heart.

sws19
03-06-2009, 12:04 PM
uhhh...maybe the guys in nyc are more shallow (actually, many of them probably are), but i have DEFINITELY been told by guys that i'm awesome and they would totally want to date me if only i weren't so fat. i mean, maybe not in those exact words, but that was the gist.

NYCT1981
03-06-2009, 12:13 PM
i have dated a lot, been in a few long term relationships, and am w/ guy i am going to marry now. anyway, from dating around a lot i was forced to learn that when a guy isn't interested, it's not a reflection on me or my worth. i used to think "oh he must have thought i was ugly, or fat." this wasnt necessarily the case. it's just he didn't feel it. sometimes i didnt feel it either, and it wasn't because the guy was overweight or unattractive.

once i learned this, it was easy for me to more confident on dates because, hey maybe if this guy doesnt like me or i dont like him, that doesn't make me better or worse... and someone else will come along that i do connect with.

tkm256
03-06-2009, 11:22 PM
I never had a boyfriend until I was 19, and all through middle- and high-school when all the thin pretty girls around me were whooping it up Friday nights I thought, "I'm just too ugly, too weird, and too shy for romance. Nobody will ever like me as more than a study-buddy." Then during freshman year of college I saw plenty of girls heavier and happier in love than me, and one day I said "Screw ideals; I'll wow them with my me-ness!" and got up the courage to ask a guy out and pretend during the dates that I was confident, fun, and desirable. He was more interested in his career than me, and I wasn't that into him as more than my 'trial run', but it really boosted my confidence that he said yes for a couple of brunches and soon after I met the guy I've been living with for the past two years. This one, surprisingly, really believes I'm confident, fun and desirable. He didn't give a tinker's dam that I was overweight; he says I looked hot because I acted it.

Winterose
03-08-2009, 01:11 AM
I'm new to this forum, and I'm really impressed with all these good answers. I never dated much when I was about your age, either. I knew it, and I missed it, but I figured I was stuck with it and my introverted personality. and my 5'4" 160# self. I concentrated on getting into med school. I got very excited with the whole career thing, and realized I couldn't really handle a serious boyfriend anyway. I still went out with a few guys for fun. I was always surprised when they asked me to marry them (5.) WTF? I was always surprised by 'I love you' and once was only able to mumble out "Uh...thank you." By the time I started dating my husband in med school, his best friend put me up against the wall and told me M****) was not in my league, that I chewed men up and spit them out, and more or less warned me not to hurt him. I felt so innocent and misundersood--I never led anybody on! Everybody knew I was career all the way!

What I was, was a social moron, well probably something worse than that but I plead the 5th. My self-esteem was so low concerning men, and I so truly had disengaged, that I couldn't see real feelings when they were lying next to me in bed.

So this answer offers no wisdom, only experience perhaps you can use as a cautionary tale.

Iheartsushi418
03-08-2009, 03:38 AM
I'll tell all you ladies out there struggling with finding dates and/or relationships a story about a woman I once knew. (No it's not me..lol)

By her own admission, she was not that physically attractive. As a matter of fact, she was sort of plain looking, and I don't say that to be mean. She was overweight by about 40 pounds and if you saw only a picture of her you would actually think she was sort of ugly. Now that being said, she never lacked for male attention. NEVER. As a matter of fact nearly every guy in the office we worked at thought she was sexy. If we ever went out socially, this woman had men buying her drinks and chatting her up ALL THE TIME!. Now at the time I was much younger than I am now, and looked really good if I do say so myself, and the guy I was dating at the time commented on how sexy she was after a social event. "Really?" I asked. "Yeah, really" he answered. I asked him what was so sexy about her (I was too courious to be jealous), and all he could say was he didn't know what it was about her, she just had IT.

It drove me insane trying to figure out her allure, so I started noticing her more. To my suprise, she became more an more attractive TO ME (but not in a "I had a crush on her way"). So one day I invited her out to dinner and drinks and after a couple of glasses of wine I finally just blurted out the question I had been wondering for a long time..."Why do men find you so attractive?" To my suprise she wasn't even offended. As a matter of fact she had a good laugh over it. When she stopped laughing she gave me some of the best advice I had ever received and I'm passing it on to you now.

She said..."I figured out a long time ago, I was never going to be conventionally pretty. My hair is kind of frizzy, I hate working out and I love my doughnuts, so I'm probably going to be overweight until the day I die. I learned I would not be able to rely on my looks and more importantly, I accepted it. Men find me attractive, because I find me attractive. I'm comfortable in my own skin. When I go out, I'm not expecting to meet the love of my life, I'm expecting to just have a good time, have a drink, laugh and meet new people. If I end up dating someone for a long period of time, then great, if not, then I got to go out for a nice meal and meet someone that might end up being a friend. Because of that, I am relaxed, get to know the person, and I don't feel like I have to read them all my good points just so they will like me. I already like me, and if you like me then that's great, and if you don't then in the grand scheme of things why should that make me feel worse about myself?"

She was so right. I stopped stressing over every single first date I had. I stopped worrying "What if he doesn't like me?" because it was just a DATE. At the very worst, I was going out to have a nice meal with a new person and have a hopefully nice conversation. If it worked out, fine, if it didn't, so what? I liked me. You wouldn't buy a car from a salesperson that wasn't so sure of his product, but you expect someone to fall in love with you when you aren't so in love with yourself?

I have given this advice to every girl I know when she starts dating. It is only a date. It is only eye contact with a cute guy in Starbucks. If he comes over and says hello, then great. If he doesn't, then so what? It doesn't have to be as big of a deal as women make it out to be. To let a stranger's rejection cause you such hurt is to give too much of your power away.

To the original poster, the guy may have given you mixed signals and his rejection may hurt, but try to look on the brightside...at least you found out fairly early on. Why he only wants to be friends shouldn't even be a question for you because it will only make you feel bad about yourself. Just accept it and move on. If you still want to be friends, and can be JUST friends, then do it. You never know, he may introduce you to new people, and at the very worst, you have someone to go to the movies with.

Thighs Be Gone
03-08-2009, 04:23 AM
I would never want a guy that just wanted me for my looks. Looks are very fleeting--age always comes around and a hotter, younger girl is always coming off the assembly line. In addition, what would happen if I was diagnosed with a disease or was in an accident or if we encountered a REAL problem? If this guy was looking for a supermodel be glad he passed you over. In the long run, you are so much better off.

There is nothing wrong w/being sexy and attractive--in my experience, it draws men like flies. There are lots of shallow guys out there that assign way too much importance to it though. You can be sure they aren't keepers.

As a 30-something, I would encourage you to work on yourself during this time. Your dream man is working on himself too. When you find each other, you'll be ready.

ringmaster
03-08-2009, 07:07 PM
I know how you feel with guys judging so much on weight. I noticed even guys that are big themselves want some thin girl too. It's like a trophy. I don't know..I understand wanting someone attractive...but guys these days are so hung up on looks/weight they seem to forget looks fade. Women gain weight with kids, age, anything can happen to your body/looks.

It's a major turnoff when a guy automatically puts "attractive" "slim" on his list of requirements... and even when a guy finds me attractive if all he can say is how pretty I am or how nice I look (alot of girls probably like that)...it's like he's not interested in anything about ME. I don't want a guy liking me just for looks or my body either... Am I being too picky?

Iheartsushi418
03-08-2009, 09:08 PM
Ringmaster, you are not being too picky at all. While I agree looks might be enough to catch someone's attention, hey women are guilty of it too, but if that's all someone sees then they aren't looking close enough. I'm of the opinion you can only look at someone for so long until you have to have an actual conversation.

whiskeygirl862
03-08-2009, 09:58 PM
I am in the EXACT same boat as you are. I have a really sweet cute guy friend, who I've been friends with for awhile and I really thought he liked me. He sent sweet emails and text messages and everytime I saw him, I thought we were flirting. So I was devastated when I finally told him that I liked him and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. It's incredibly frustrating and I am so SICK of being single.

I agree that it's frustrating that some heavy girls seem to have no trouble at all finding boyfriends, and others can be single as the day they're born.
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!:hug: