A major stress factor in my life right now is that my boyfriend wants me to up and move to Ireland when I finish school.
Pros:
I get an amazing adventure in another country, I get to be in a relationship with someone I care about, and who cares about me.
Cons:
My mother wants me to go to college in the Fall. And part of me wants to as well. I can't start a career until I've done a few years of college, and it's too expensive to do school abroad as an "international student." So I'd be putting off my future career for a bit.
I'm worried about finances. He keeps saying he can pay for everything, my flights home for Christmas, and for my brother's wedding, but that kinda stuff's gonna get expensive... and I don't want to be a leech!
I have to start paying back student loans. I'm $23,000 in debt with the Canadian government, and if I take a break from school, my debt starts collecting interest, and I have to start paying it back. I have some money set aside in investments because my dad passed away when I was little, but thanks to the Canadian economy (which is only slightly better than the American one right now), it's not quite that much... so I'd need to figure out a way to pay money each month on my loans..
Not having a job immediately can do nothing but harm, of course. =/
Essentially, though, I'm in school right now with an overloaded semester and I'm SO STRESSED, and I just... I can't even bring myself to think about it right now. Because either I'm putting off school and making potentially expensive decisions, and getting to be with my bf... or when he comes here next month, it could be the last time we ever see each other, as we'd have to break up. And I can't even fathom that. If we broke up, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything but being hurt and upset, I'd probably fail all my exams, lol.
And my boyfriend's feeling my hesitation and knowing I have all these questions and issues, so he's started to get upset, and hurt, and worried... and he keeps pressuring me to make up my mind one way or another, and I just DON'T KNOW. I don't know what to do... God.
He just graduated from college and he's got a job in an accounting firm while he does weekend courses to become a chartered accountant. He's got a 3 and a half year contract. That he started in September.
How long have you guys been together? What's the longest you've spent together?
Something about this situation just doesn't seem right to me. Some people might disagree, but it seems to be you're being asked to give up A LOT. When my mom moved from Montreal to Toronto when she was married, she had a job here, one of her sisters that lived here and had been with my dad for years and she was HORRIBLY homesick the first year or so. And that's only moving to a place that is 6 hours away!! And that was someone who married her before asking her to leave her family and whole life before moving away.
It sounds like you're being pressured into something you're not ready for. Having lived with a boyfriend for 6 months when I was 20, I can say that it can be REALLY hard living with someone for the first time and I'm not sure that making a lifechanging decision like this is right when you have almost no one to turn to in the country you'll be living in. My boyfriend and I discovered moving in together was a mistake and it was unmendable and we broke up, but I didn't nearly have as many things on the line as you do. I could go stay at friends houses. I was going to school. I had my family. If I had been all alone it just would have been horrible.
I don't want to seem negative, I just think maybe you're too young to make this kind of commitment. You're giving up school, which is what you most likely need to get in to the career field you want. You're giving up seeing you're family. You're giving up seeing friends. All that you have to ask yourself is; Am I ready to do that? Is our relationship worth it? Do I think our relationship is strong enough to put everything on the line?
Is there any way that when you're done this semester you can go spend 4-6 weeks in Ireland before you have to sign up for school the next year to give it like a trial run? Cause it just seems like you're putting a lot on the line...
Well I can say I've been there, and am doing that. Worst mistake ever. I am missing out on my education, I miss my family, and am struggling to make money. I had a good job at a salon in Texas, and because it took so long for my to get reciprocity in California, I had to take a minimum wage job. I am very much in love, however I think its best that I move back to finish my bachelors. The bf didn't move to Texas because of his job.
My advice to you is to not make the move. Granted it will be a good experience and you will be with the one you love, but you will be holding yourself back from things that you really want to do.
Last edited by stellarwbz; 03-01-2009 at 12:06 AM.
could you study in ireland as an exchange student with your college/uni? Over here you can do an exchange through my uni to another country, you pay the fees you would normally pay here (instead of paying international fees) and i assume your loan doesnt accumulate interest since you are still studying
You've mentioned this problem before and I mentioned my thoughts before but I'll say them again.. live while you're young!
I had always wanted to study abroad but was on the fast track to get married in college so I crammed my semesters full of classes and never studied abroad. My bf and I broke up when I started my last year of school and it was too late to go.
I've never followed a steady career so that I could have a life of travel and adventure. I'm 27, living in another country with my bf and my school friends and peers tell me they are envious of my life..."I wish I could do something like that but I've got school loans and I just bought a car and I'm thinking of buying a house in the next year."
Another "mistake" I made was going straight from undergrad to graduate school. I was terrified to get a real job and went into a Master's program to buy more time and think about what to do. Unfortunately, I wouldn't advise anyone to do the same--a Master's degree is where you become an EXPERT at something you have a real PASSION for--not a place to find yourself. I should've known what I wanted before I started the program (btw... 6 years later---STILL not done with it).
I'm not sure what you mean by "college"... is that like graduate school?
I'd love for everyone to learn from my mistakes but I see some people are advising you not to go based on their mistakes...
You really have to do this FOR YOU.
Would you love to go to Ireland to live if you didn't have a boyfriend there?
Are you excited and passionate about a career path that you could get by going to college?
In 5 years, when you are X years old (don't know how old you are), will you be happy you traveled or will you be happier with more education and work?
Some of my friends from school are making $40,000 a year, they have a house, they are married, they have sometimes 3 kids... I don't envy them at all. I hear that someone is going backpacking with their boyfriend in Asia and my heart gets a pang of jealousy.
I suggest paying attention to those little envy pangs. Do you feel it when people are talking about travel? Boyfriends? School? Savings? Debt-freedom? That's your answer. It sounds like whatever you choose, you will disappoint someone. That disappointment will pass.
like someone said, how long have you been together and how much time have you spent together? have you lived together?
a chance to live in ireland is one that shouldn't be passed up if you really want to do it. i've had friends do exchanges to ireland with college, that's a possibility. she was US though so i dont know if they offer it in canada.
hey, just a minor thing, i live in ireland and you will find it almost impossible to get a job here, the resession has hit us really hard. The safest place to be at the moment is in education so if you do decide to come, concider doing a degree.
Girlfriend...take my advice and DONT DO IT!! No matter how much you think you care about someone...taking a break on things that you need to do for yourself is never a good idea. I've moved TWICE for men that I was in serious long relationships with that I was already living with for a long time. I almost married one of them...but they were both bad ideas and here I am back at home with the parents with a 2 year old starting from SQUARE 1!! I decided that if a man is TRULY crazy about me...he can be where I NEED to be....otherwise its really not worth it
To answer a few peoples' questions:
We've been "together" on and off again (because of the distance) since the summer of 2007. He spent 5 weeks here in my house this past summer, and I spent 3 and a half weeks living with his family in Ireland over Christmas.
I'm 21.
Iconized Ghost:
My school doesn't have any "partner institutions" in Ireland, just in England.
Joyra:
In Canada, college is different from university. University gets you a degree, college gets you a diploma. College is more hands-on, University usually a little more theoretical, if that makes sense.
So, I did a degree in Studio Art (Painting, drawing, sculpture, graphic art, etc), and now I want to go to college JUST for graphic art, so I can specialize in it.
Thanks to everyone who's replied so far. You've all given me lots of things to think about. God, this is stressful.
I had a similiar dilemma with my husband. I just went and flew to him over breaks/summer. We had a lot of waiting but he knew that school is priority so we had to be patient. It's really paid off.
I have followed my hubby since we married--I was 22 at the time. Here is my perspective. My adult life has been spent following his aspirations. Thankfully, I earned my first degree before marrying him. However, I made a career out of a field I didn't ever like. Finances dictated reality no matter how lofty my desires. A decade into our marriage we began having a family and I am now pushed even further from pursuing my real dreams. I am very much IN LOVE with my husband and my children. There are days that I think about what I would be doing otherwise though.
In my honest opinion, spending a few weeks together in a two-year time period and uprooting yourself to go to another country aren't even on the same page. I would like to see you go to Ireland to pursue something for yourself whilst dating him (not living together). Honestly, you are just so very young and at this point, the world truly is a beautifully open oyster. Please don't do anything to limit your choices now or later.
Last edited by Thighs Be Gone; 03-01-2009 at 09:18 AM.
OT: Ireland, the boy & my stress levels.
