100 lb. Club - Anybody else annoyed with...




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provence
02-21-2009, 06:55 PM
other people's positive comments? I am always polite and thank the person for noticing but honestly, how can you say "You look great" to someone who still has 97.4 lbs. to lose? I would rather no one mention my weight loss at all...like just see me for me and no the package I am in at the moment. I am satisfied with my loss to date and have no intention of not going all the way but I'd rather do it under the radar.


Thin4Good
02-21-2009, 07:01 PM
:D

I wouldn't say annoyed, but I don't really know what to say. If they pay me a compliment I say "Thank you" but if they make a statement like "You have lost a lot of weight." I say "Yes I have." :p I feel awkward.

mamaspank
02-21-2009, 07:04 PM
Well, what reason would you have to put your pic up on a thread or state your progress for other people to see? I don't see the point in telling someone, "Wow, you have a long way to go; it's too bad you're only halfway there." This point of the website is to be positive, I thought. I am being honest when I tell someone they are doing a great job and look great or that I am proud of them. I know what it is like to feel like crap about yourself even though you've lost 30 pounds and have a ways to go, but, really, I don't come on this website to be reminded of how much I want to lose. I don't really understand why you would be annoyed with other's positive comments. Do you mean positive comments to you or to everyone else?


Windchime
02-21-2009, 07:05 PM
I have trouble with this, too. I have only lost 10 pounds this time around, but on a previous time I would have people gush about how great I looked. It was hard for me to not translate that into, "You looked HORRIBLE before, but now you look so much better!". Maybe we just need to learn to accept compliments? I dunno, it makes me feel funny when people gush like that.

beerab
02-21-2009, 07:20 PM
I agree with windchime, just leran to accept the compliment and not read too much into it. I love it when people say "wow you look like you have lost weight!"

On my bday people were commenting to me and my husband was likey "hey what about me!?" and people were like what about you? lol

LuvMyMr
02-21-2009, 07:23 PM
Well, what reason would you have to put your pic up on a thread or state your progress for other people to see? I don't see the point in telling someone, "Wow, you have a long way to go; it's too bad you're only halfway there." This point of the website is to be positive, I thought. I am being honest when I tell someone they are doing a great job and look great or that I am proud of them. I know what it is like to feel like crap about yourself even though you've lost 30 pounds and have a ways to go, but, really, I don't come on this website to be reminded of how much I want to lose. I don't really understand why you would be annoyed with other's positive comments. Do you mean positive comments to you or to everyone else?

I totally agree. Goodness I still have a lot more weight to lose but when my hubby last night said my waist was smaller and he knew I had lost more weight I was elated! maybe now I will start taking a shower with him (another story I will get into later). I love the compliments because when I wasn't seeing the weight loss and everyone else did I knew I was doing the right thing. Then when I started seeing it and everyone was gushing about it, it was extremely motivating and keeps me on track. I had an old male friend of mine who nearly wet himself when he saw me three weeks ago. He pointed out that I am getting an hour glass figure that I look great and that I used to have a belly and it's no longer there. He just went on and on and when I left he asked my friend who was with me if I was married. LOL. That just made my whole day. Also I like to know that I am making progress, that what I am doing it correct and I should keep doing it. I don't understand why that might annoy you but heck I love it!

recidivist
02-21-2009, 07:26 PM
Perhaps the OP meant in person? I think this needs to be put in perspective though...if you are embarrassed and immediately try to turn a compliment into a slight (well...I must have really looked awful before), that is your own insecurity speaking. Don't try to make someone who is truly surprised, delighted, or trying to compliment you into the bad guy. Work on your own issues. If you feel that someone is trying to say you looked awful before, you probably did, in your eyes. That's why you are interpreting it that way. It doesn't mean it was meant that way. I was so tickled to see my sister after she lost a lot of weight. I gushed about how gorgeous she was. Not because she wasn't adorable before, but because she just looked stunning, and I know how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. I was so proud of her.

cfmama
02-21-2009, 07:41 PM
No. Not at all. I honestly DO think that women here who post their pictures after losing some (not all) weight look fantastic and gorgeous. I'm not just blowing sunshine up their butt's ;) And I KNOW that when people tell me I am looking fantastic that they really mean it! So I take the compliment as such and keep trucking :)

mags
02-21-2009, 08:27 PM
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but unless it's a comment to a really close friend or family member, I think comments about appearance are uncalled for. My sister's MIL is on chemo, has lost a lot of weight, and is wearing a really trendy wig. Although she's telling her friends and family members, she's not wearing a sign to advertize the fact that she has what is probably terminal cancer. How should she respond if some aquaintance compliments her on her weight loss or trendy new haircut? My other sister was asked when her baby is due--two weeks after she lost her baby because of an ectopic pregnancy. Telling someone that he or she looks nice or is wearing a cute new outfit or has a nice haircut, that's one thing, but comments about someone's body are inappropriate.

time2lose
02-21-2009, 08:46 PM
provence,

It concerns me that you don't think that you can look great now. You can still be beautiful at 227.4. I imagine you are getting sincere compliments. Try to enjoy them.

Windchime
02-21-2009, 09:21 PM
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but unless it's a comment to a really close friend or family member, I think comments about appearance are uncalled for.

I guess that's where I'm coming from. Obviously it's different here because we are posting our results (and sometimes pictures) in order to get positive reinforcement. But people who post these things are looking for input and reinforcement. When I'm out in the real world, I'm not necessarily looking for people gush endlessly about how much better I look. Complements are fine, but its when they go on and on, "No, REALLY, I just cannot get OVER how GOOD you look!". It goes beyond a simple compliment into.....I dunno, fawning or something? I guess it can feel patronizing to me depending on how it's delivered. And again, maybe that's just me needing to learn how to take a compliment. For the most part, I just don't really like to be the focus of attention and when someone is going on and on, I feel like I'm in the spotlight being scrutinized.

JulieJ08
02-21-2009, 09:29 PM
It's truly impossible for everyone to get what they want, because many people come on here and post how miserable they are that no one is commenting on their weight loss. Nonetheless, I lean in the direction that (1) commenting on someone's body (as opposed to a general "You look great") is tricky and not strictly polite, and (2) the only solution to thinking that "You look great" means "You looked awful before" lies with the person receiving the compliment.

recidivist
02-21-2009, 11:07 PM
This thread reminds me of something funny. I was in my late 20's and got a serious case of poison oak on my face. I had to go to the emergency room two days in a row for cortizone shots because my face was swollen like a pumpkin...the first days my eyes were swollen shut, the second my lips had puffed up like a blow fish. It was pretty disgusting. It took a while to heal from that, but about a month later I had to go back to the hospital to get them to sign something for my insurance company. I walked into the ER, and the doc was standing at the desk while I was asking the receptionist to look up my info. I said my name and the name of the doc who treated me. The doc turned and looked at me and said "Oh my God, you're beautiful. I never would have recognized you". He was embarrassed to blurt that out (his face turned red), but we both had to laugh because I looked so horrible when he saw me last.

The point I'm making here is that sometimes people are taken by surprise if they see you after you've gone through a major transformation.

WarMaiden
02-22-2009, 12:21 AM
I totally love it when someone who sees me on a regular basis, and knew me before I started losing weight and working on my health, gives me a positive comment. I have one coworker who has complimented me like 4 times--most recently it was a "You are looking even more awesome!" one day, and then "Oh, and you look great in colors. You should wear them more often!" the next day. I love this woman for her positive encouragement.

Yeah, I still have 75 pounds to lose. But you know what? I look HOT right NOW. I have a lovely feminine shape, my skin is beautiful and radiant, my hair is cute, my clothes are cute. My spirits are up and my health is great. And when my mom says, "You really look fantastic," well, she means it! So I accept the compliment gratefully and graciously.

Just because people are complimenting me now doesn't mean they necessarily thought I looked like crap before--even though I did, because I truly was not in good health. Probably, most of them didn't think about how I looked much. But if they did think about it at all, it's likely they were more worried about my health and spirits than how "ugly" I may have been.

My husband thought I was hot at nearly 300 pounds, but he thinks I am even HOTTER now. And he's right, I am! He will keep thinking I'm hotter and hotter as I go down the scale, and that is totally OK with me. I love it that I'm improving how I look, partly to wow him.

Amber1011
02-22-2009, 12:35 AM
I agree with warmaiden. If someone compliments me, I'm not going to think its an insult!
My boyfriend loved me when I was bigger and had no problem with it. The big reason he likes me to lose weight is because he knows it makes ME happier! and it will honestly make our lives easier if I lose weight.

When someone tells me I look great, its just that! I look great! I look better than I did before. Which is true! It doesn't necessarily mean they thought I looked TERRIBLE before, it just means that I look fantastic now!

and about posting on here - I hope no one would give negative comments! Why in the world would someone post pictures here 1. if they thought people were going to be negative 2. If they didn't want any positive comments!

FB
02-22-2009, 12:39 AM
I never got annoyed - but wished they could see where I'd REALLY be when I was done - I always wished for a grand unveiling of sorts, something really dramatic and Broadway. :lol:

But you know what? The grand unveiling is really worse! For people who haven't seen me in forever - they don't even RECOGNIZE me. And then, once they realize - the compliments get to the point where they can be classified as annoying.

It's no fun being a rock star. Better for them to get used to your appearance gradually. TRUST me.

Amber1011
02-22-2009, 12:48 AM
It's no fun being a rock star. Better for them to get used to your appearance gradually. TRUST me.

Unless you're like me and love reactions like that lol.

FB
02-22-2009, 12:55 AM
No really, I am a diva of the world - I thrive on attention, LOVE it. But it gets strange - losing 147 pounds means some people examine you like a circus sideshow freak and others think you're hiding the secrets of the Holy Grail. It's not at all pleasant to be looked at or treated that way.

Now some guys admiring my butt is a different story! :lol:

Amber1011
02-22-2009, 01:01 AM
No really, I am a diva of the world - I thrive on attention, LOVE it. But it gets strange - losing 147 pounds means some people examine you like a circus sideshow freak and others think you're hiding the secrets of the Holy Grail. It's not at all pleasant to be looked at or treated that way.

Now some guys admiring my butt is a different story! :lol:


hahaha I know about dramatic changes and I love it. I went back to college, got my nose pierced, lip pierced, hair dyed red and chopped off lol. I went home and no one knew who I was - the reactions were everywhere lol- I loved it.

Thin4Good
02-22-2009, 02:07 AM
:) I don't know about the OP but I definitely meant in person. (I think she did too though) When I post progress pics or something here I love to get feedback!

HVEECK
02-22-2009, 08:07 AM
I love when people compliment me. here or in person ;)
every now and then some people at work go a little over board and I appreciate it, I like it in a way but it does get a little embarrassing. I just dont like being the center of attention, but I would be a little upset if no one noticed my transformation. I think these people are just being honest because it is a big change and I totally love it. The embarrassment is just my insecurity coming through.

thinpossible
02-22-2009, 08:36 AM
I wouldn't mind if people on 3FC complimented me, obviously otherwise why post pics? But in person I don't want people to compliment me even when I've lost all my weight, other than a simple you look pretty today, or something. I think people get really weird about weight loss in this culture there's just too much baggage that comes with it and I'd just rather avoid it all together.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but unless it's a comment to a really close friend or family member, I think comments about appearance are uncalled for. My sister's MIL is on chemo, has lost a lot of weight, and is wearing a really trendy wig. Although she's telling her friends and family members, she's not wearing a sign to advertize the fact that she has what is probably terminal cancer. How should she respond if some aquaintance compliments her on her weight loss or trendy new haircut? My other sister was asked when her baby is due--two weeks after she lost her baby because of an ectopic pregnancy. Telling someone that he or she looks nice or is wearing a cute new outfit or has a nice haircut, that's one thing, but comments about someone's body are inappropriate. I agree.

freshmanweightorbust
02-22-2009, 08:44 AM
I never mind being complimented on having lost weight (here I'm talking about in-person comments from people at work, usually my guy-friends), but I do mind it:

a. when I haven't lost weight at all, but have actually gained. This happened to me quite a bit over the last couple years, while I was putting on the last 50 lbs.

b. when they immediately ask how much weight I've lost. I don't care if people know how much I weigh, but I am kind of an old-fashioned gal, and I think some things you don't ask if the other person doesn't volunteer it.

Still, I think it's important to be gracious. When people do/did this, I always told them I didn't want to discuss it until I was closer to goal, and made some joke about waiting for "the big reveal," like on the reality shows. I figure, if I'm nice and accept the compliment before I'm ready for it, the person will be more comfortable complimenting me in a couple dozen more pounds, when I'm really ready!

TJFitnessDiva
02-22-2009, 09:34 AM
I love to hear compliments :) It's really cool to hear a few of them and most will pick me up when I need it.

Just think they might be afraid to not mention it because it may hurt your feelings. Plus it's a normal social reaction....if you see that something is different (esp in a good way) don't you want to at least mention it? Even if you are like super shy and don't say anything it will at least go through your mind.

SuchAPrettyFace
02-22-2009, 12:21 PM
Pretty sure the OP meant in person. It would be pointless to post pics then get upset when ppl say you look great. No?

The OP, from her sidebar thingy, has lost 60 pounds. That's like a small child! People are going to notice. Just say "Thank you!" You worked hard, and yes, are still working on it but a simple thank you will suffice. You earned the kudos, now learn to enjoy them because if you get to goal, you will get compliments all the time. :grouphug:

fiberlover
02-22-2009, 09:39 PM
But you know what? The grand unveiling is really worse! For people who haven't seen me in forever - they don't even RECOGNIZE me. And then, once they realize - the compliments get to the point where they can be classified as annoying.

It's no fun being a rock star. Better for them to get used to your appearance gradually. TRUST me.


This is very true, and sometimes you just want to say "Okay - enough already." I love compliments, but the gushing ones start to irritate me a bit.
However, I liked any compliment on the way down, it didn't matter that I still had significant weight to lose - I had already lost some, and that is no small task.

kaplods
02-23-2009, 12:03 AM
I think because there are so many different views on what is appropriate conversation that annoying, embarassing, personal and offensive are very much in the eye of the beholder, especially as social conventions change. If you can learn to be assertive instead of silently suffering, you can be more comfortable and feel more in control of the conversation.

What I mean by that - I'm a very open person, often too open. I don't mind people asking me questions that many would find offensive, but as a result I'm also likely to forget and ask people questions they might find uncomfortable. I tend to forget that some people will not tell you when you've crossed their comfort zone, and will be angry or annoyed, but not express it directly or sometimes at all. Some to the point that they'll end a friendship without ever saying what bothered them.

As a result, over the years, I've learned to be somewhat more tactful but my filter is still defective - I will often say what I think, when I think it (at least in the "real world" tone of voice usually communicates that I'm not intentionally being a jerk).

Ok, sorry lost my train of thought for a minute. What I'm trying to get around to saying is that you can save a lot of trouble by trying not to keep silent about things that annoy you. Rather than suffering in silence, say something. Take some control of the conversation, something kind but to the point such as "I appreciate the compliment, but you're starting to make me feel uncomfortable," or if you prefer to be more subtle something in a light or joking tone like "could we change the subject to something more interesting," and if they persist a slightly more serious "no, really I mean it - you're starting to make me feel uncomfortable."

Learning to ask for what you want is a very liberating experience. It's not about being angry - because if you're getting angry you're waiting too long to ask for what you want. You need to ask before it's become painful.

As for hearing "you look great," I liked hearing that at my highest weight before I lost a single pound. I have to say that I the only folks I get annoyed with are my family. When we went to visit, I made the mistake (in hindsight) of fishing for a complement on the first day by telling my mom and sisters that I'd lost 60 lbs, and their responses were all some form of "I don't see it" or "it doesn't look like it." Aaargh.

I was wearing a skirt and it was a bit big, but still they could have been a bit more positve. A few days later I was wearing slim-fitting jeans and a sweater (I thought the sweater was a bit clingy and made me look BIGGER), but one sister told me that she could definitely see the weight lost in the better fitting clothing, but then went on for a bit about how badly I dress (of course most of my clothes are getting baggy, I'm losing weight but don't have the money to replace the wardrobe very quickly).

Sorry I've gotten sidetracked into my own rant. With the exception of family (and usually only my mom and sisters). I rarely get annoyed with people even when their comments and behavior are outrageous, obnoxious, or intentionally cruel. I can keep it together except when it's coming from my mom or sisters.

I think it's because even strangers respond to direct confrontation (like the teen in Walmart who said "wow you're fat," I suppose to impress his friends and I replied "Yeah, so what?!") If I contront my mothers or sisters over something they've said, no matter how politely and positively I phrase it, they are likely to get defensive and say I'm being "too sensitive."

ChocLabLover
02-23-2009, 12:38 PM
I never got annoyed - but wished they could see where I'd REALLY be when I was done - I always wished for a grand unveiling of sorts, something really dramatic and Broadway. :lol:

But you know what? The grand unveiling is really worse! For people who haven't seen me in forever - they don't even RECOGNIZE me. And then, once they realize - the compliments get to the point where they can be classified as annoying.

It's no fun being a rock star. Better for them to get used to your appearance gradually. TRUST me.

I couldn't agree more with your comment. While I am enjoying my new body and clothes and more importantly the self esteem and confidence I now have, I am having trouble with some of the comments I have been getting.

1) OMG I wouldn't have recognized you! (not too bad, I know I look completely different, for pete's sake I have lost a tiny person)

2) You are fading away to a shadow (this one gets my goat only because it is a backwards compliment in my opinion. I KNOW they mean well, but it sounds like a criticism)

3) OMG HOW much weight have you lost? (this is usually announced to room full of people, strangers that I don't know. This happened on hike this weekend in fact. Again, I get that they mean well, truly I do)

I guess what I am trying to say is I hope that one day, people will see me for me, not the woman who lost over 100 lbs. I know it will come at some point, but right now...AWKWARD.

time2lose
02-23-2009, 01:14 PM
Carol,

You are right on spot with #3!

I love getting compliments on my weight loss. I have just started getting them in the last two weeks. However, I hate the "How much weight have you lost?" question. I am working on a standard answer that won't be too harsh. These are usually people I like. Right now, my answer is, "Enough to feel the difference, but not nearly as much as I hope to loss."

I have been tempted to add, "and how much do you weigh?" :)

Merksie
02-23-2009, 02:29 PM
On sites like this one, I'm obviously willing to discuss my weight . . . it's the reason I'm here!

In person, I like a compliment as much as the next girl, and compliments on weight-loss are totally fine IF they come from someone with whom I am willing to discuss my weight - i.e., someone with whom I have broached the subject in the past. On the other hand, I detest comments about my weight/body from people that are more acquaintances than friends, whether those comments are positive or negative. There are plenty of ways to compliment someone you don't know very well without specifically commenting on their weight - a simple "you look great" or "I love that outfit" is more than adequate, and lets the complimentee decide whether to simply say "thanks" or specifically discuss weightloss.

provence
02-23-2009, 04:00 PM
I need to clarify. I mean in person comments made by co-workers, who are in effect, strangers. I don't mean comments made by friends or family. And as always, I am speaking about how I feel about my weight loss. If people want to put their before, during, and after pictures on a highway billboard, that, of course, is their perogative. To me, support from a weight loss community is diffferent froma comment from the person in accounting.

junebug41
02-23-2009, 04:06 PM
I need to clarify. I mean in person comments made by co-workers, who are in effect, strangers. I don't mean comments made by friends or family. And as always, I am speaking about how I feel about my weight loss. If people want to put their before, during, and after pictures on a highway billboard, that, of course, is their perogative. To me, support from a weight loss community is diffferent froma comment from the person in accounting.

I totally get this.

I remember when I was losing I got tons of comments like "you look great!". Which was fine because I could just say, "thank you".

But I also got "you must feel fabulous", which is harmless I suppose, but is also making an assumption about someone to their face. The truth was, I didn't feel all that fabulous- at least not all the time. I didn't know how I felt actually. Some days I felt exhausted by the whole thing. My body was working hard to morph into something that it had never been in my entire life. I was trying to just navigate through the process and the changes going on mentally AND physically and people I hardly knew were telling me how fabulous I must be feeling.

JulieJ08
02-23-2009, 06:04 PM
But I also got "you must feel fabulous", which is harmless I suppose, but is also making an assumption about someone to their face. The truth was, I didn't feel all that fabulous- at least not all the time. I didn't know how I felt actually. Some days I felt exhausted by the whole thing. My body was working hard to morph into something that it had never been in my entire life. I was trying to just navigate through the process and the changes going on mentally AND physically and people I hardly knew were telling me how fabulous I must be feeling.

Interesting perspective, and it does make sense to me. I know I've said that to many on these boards when they post mini-goals and such :o

junebug41
02-23-2009, 06:13 PM
Interesting perspective, and it does make sense to me. I know I've said that to many on these boards when they post mini-goals and such :o

I don't think it's offensive or anything. I just didn't know how to respond to a comment like that. It made me question how I *should* be feeling, you know? Also, by saying I must feel great now, should I have not felt great before? I know it was a harmless question, but it raised more questions within me than the person who asked probably intended.

Sandi
02-23-2009, 10:57 PM
This thread mad me wonder...How do you respond when they say "How much weight have you lost?" When I get to goal I will have lost somewhere in the 200 range. Announcing that would be like do the math - I was well over 300. I don't mind posting that here - but announcing it to everyone...not so much.

What do you say?? Tell the truth or be vague??

JulieJ08
02-23-2009, 11:13 PM
This thread mad me wonder...How do you respond when they say "How much weight have you lost?" When I get to goal I will have lost somewhere in the 200 range. Announcing that would be like do the math - I was well over 300. I don't mind posting that here - but announcing it to everyone...not so much.

What do you say?? Tell the truth or be vague??

I think I would try, "Oh my, how personal."

FB
02-23-2009, 11:16 PM
What do you say?? Tell the truth or be vague??
I reply 'A lot' and it's always been dropped. I can tell, by their fidgeting that they want to press the subject - but I'm the master of the cold, icy stare. :lol:

midwife
02-23-2009, 11:20 PM
Today was one of those days where I saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in awhile. I got a ton of questions: How did you do it? How much did you lose? And my favorite (in FRONT of a patient I was rounding on!): Wow, you're wasting away. Umm, thanks, now can I assess my patient? It's just odd....There's a time and a place.....

The lack of boundaries is fascinating.

And lately I've started answering the "How much have you lost?" question with, "A bunch." No one needs to know any more than that (other than the 3FC family)

Windchime
02-24-2009, 12:20 AM
What do you say?? Tell the truth or be vague??

For the most part, I'd vote for "vague". They'll obviously be able to tell that you're a lot slimmer; do they really NEED the number?

An exception might be if an acquaintance comes to you in the spirit of confidentiality, seeking help. If someone came to me (after my successfull loss, of course! ;) and truly wanted inspiration and encouragement to begin his/her own journey, then I might be inclined to share more specifically. I would probably tell my best friend if it came up; I can trust her to be truly supportive and not all gushy and spotlight-y about it. But yeah, for the most part, I would probably just say something vague, like "a few pounds."