Weight Loss Support - So frustrating - Why can't I say "no" to friends?
02-19-2009, 03:13 PM
I'm kicking myself - yesterday I went out for lunch with a friend. I know the restaurant, sort of an up-scale bistro with great thin-crust pizza but lots of salads and lighter fare too. My plan was to order salad, and I was fine with that.
When I get there, Linda (the friend) says, "They have GREAT pizza here, let's have pizza!"
I say, "Okay". Little voice in my head is yelling, Salad! Salad!
She says, "Let's order a bottle of wine."
I say, "How about just a glass?"
She says, "Well, we'll probably have two glasses and then a bottle's cheaper."
I say, "Okay." Little voice in my head is screaming, Tea! Soda with lime!
I order a grilled veggie pizza, and eat half. Even this is more than I want. Linda told me I had to eat one more slice to keep up with her. So I do.
I'm kind of laughing at myself as I post this, but on the other hand I'm frustrated and annoyed at myself. Am I SUCH a people-pleaser that I can't even order what I want to eat in a restaurant without being so suggestible? I can't even say I was browbeaten into it!
And I'm ticked because my weight was up this morning (no kidding!) and I have to weigh in at WW tomorrow. Ugh.
Does anyone else have this problem? How did/do you deal with it?
02-19-2009, 03:25 PM
Well, I think you're totally getting it, you know, it's not all about not having these issues it's about recognizing it and doing a plan.
IMO....if you really love the pizza it's better to plan it into your day and really enjoy a small amount, than have a salad (unless you really WANT salad.) You could always have a salad for dinner after all!
Wine at lunch...that's not ever a good idea for me, not that I've never done it!
02-19-2009, 03:49 PM
Hey, K8-EEE. I know I can work pizza into my plan, but I didn't want to have it yesterday so why didn't I just say so? :dunno:
I guess my question is less about eating, and more about psychology.
02-19-2009, 04:47 PM
Well maybe you feel you may be judged but that shouldn't be your fear. You can always say "I was really looking forward to one of their great tasting salads". As for wine, you can say "I'm not feeling like wine today".
If you did want pizza and got pizza but wanted to stop, you could say "Oh I had a big breakfast and I'm so stuffed".
None of those are really saying no but they are asserting yourself in a positive way.
Boy do I feel ya... I have the same exact problem! Just today one of my friends asked me to go to a bar tonight for drinks and Taco Thursday... I knew it would only lead to excess eating and drinking empty calories--- so get this, I said "I'm gonna have to pass on Taco Thursday, but thanks for the invite!" ....But let me tell you, that was after a lot of debating on disappointing my friend.
However, I am getting to a point of frustration with my health where I don't really care who knows I am trying to be healthy anymore. It is starting to make it easier to be upfront with my friends. And, instead of completely shooting them down I am honest about my desire to be healthier and suggest a get together that is more health-conscious.
If your friend cares about you and your health she will understand...
02-20-2009, 03:19 AM
I'm a pleaser too, so figure out a different strategy. (For instance, before anyone can get the jump and suggest something announce excitedly "I'd love to go there, I'm really craving one of their super salads". That makes it about what you want. It also puts it out front, so that it is a little easier to remind them that you wanted a salad if the pizza issue comes up.
As to why you can't say no, well could be lots of things. For me, as an fat woman, I have been reluctant to make an issue of my eating. So if others want something I will go along rather than be different. I don't know if that is your issue, my sister has the same "go along" not because she doesn't want to call attention to eating but because she doesn't like to say no. She ends up splitting foods that she doesn't want because she doesn't want to displease the other person. (And she has no weight issue.)
02-20-2009, 10:48 AM
i have this problem too. except for me i think it's less about the pleasing and more about my total lack of willpower and suggestibility. i am a total victim of the power of suggestion. i can be doing fine not thinking about all the delicious things i'm not eating, but the minute someone suggests it to me, it's like i absolutely CANNOT stop thinking about it, like it's burning a whole in my pocket. so i all too often give in. i'm not sure what this means.
02-20-2009, 11:01 AM
I have a hard time saying no too. I think it's because subconsciously we don't want to be different in the foods we eat or let people see we're eating "like a bird". Because then people will assume false things since they're not dieting and don't really understand.
02-20-2009, 11:15 AM
I have the same problem except it is with family. I tried to tell them I wont be able to go to lunch with them on fridays anymore and instead of "ok we understand" I got "its just another excuse to be antisocial with us" and that is so not!!!
I can't say no to food, I thought I would just not temp myself and now I'm "to good to visit" I don't know how to get it across to my family(who are all supossed to be on a diet)that I have no willpower:(:?::mad:
02-20-2009, 11:30 AM
For family, I had to straight up tell my mom that I couldn't go to certain places and be tempted. Luckily, I have an absolutely wonderful, understanding mama, so she got it and now we go places where we can be clean and not be as tempted.
With friends, it's a lot harder. I don't want to be that high maintenance girl who never wants to do the fun stuff. I've had a lot of trouble with that at work - I used to go to happy hour, but I'm not a 'just one drink' kind of girl, and I'm not willing to waste all my calories at the bar. So I don't go, and now I'm left out of that bunch. But I also don't want to share my diet journey - i work with these people, and if I mention that, I'll have to talk about my eating choices and everything all the time. I'd rather do that here!
So, long post to say, I don't know what you do. But I understand.
02-20-2009, 11:36 AM
Well, your post is well timed. I'm going out for lunch with a friend in an hour and I can see the exact same thing happening! I've decided that if my friend suggests wine, I'll have a glass since this is a celebratory lunch, but my mind is firm on the salad (no dressing!).
So, as for how *do* I deal with it -- compromise where appropriate, stay firm in the areas that are important to me.
As for how *did* I deal with it -- I'll let you know this afternoon!
02-20-2009, 11:43 AM
i do the same thing with my boyfriend. it's weird because he's one of the biggest reasons i'm motivated to lose, but when I'm with him we always end up going at least one bad place to eat, and while I'd rather just not eat, skip a meal while I'm up there, nibble on some crackers, I don't want to tell him no. and I DON'T want to talk to him about my diet. So I end up eating like I normally would, not extravagent but definitely high calorie.
02-20-2009, 01:02 PM
I used to do that sort of thing all the time. Now I am in a situation where my husband has to gain weight due to an illness, and I must lose weight to stay healthy. So... I ended up altering my thinking... I can resist all those wonderful foods that hamper my weight loss because I am training my mind to do exactly that. (And prayer helps a lot too)... Now, I can go with my friends anywhere and eat anything at all, but I MUST LIMIT PORTIONS !! I will not allow them to cajol me into indulging more than is healthy for me. I told one of my dearest friends that by insisting I take larger portions, she was in essence signing my death sentence... it opened her eyes and she apologized and said she did not think of it in those terms. Sometimes we have to just use shock value to get our point across. Now when she says things like "Oh one piece won't hurt you !", I just hand her a pen and tell her to sign. She know exactly what I mean and says no more.
Just take that bull by the horns and rassle it to the ground. It ain't easy mcgee, but it is do-able...
And if they get angry with you, then they were not your friend after all.
RN BSN 2009
02-20-2009, 01:23 PM
sometimes it's hard to drop the social aspect of it... :(
02-20-2009, 03:09 PM
I know it is... but having a friend sabotage your health isn't a good thing either. Sometimes it is about choices.. and friends really need to understand the kind of pain that we endure in order to regain our health.
This is a situation in which women need to learn to behave more selfishly.
(Off topic slightly: I've noticed this seems to be one of the most devastating insults that women lob at another person: "She (or he) is selfish." With men, this is not the case. The word is not as fraught for them.)
I laughed in recognition when I read this passage in Claire Messud's novel, "The Emperor's Children":
Hunched forward over the table against the cavernous cacophony of the restaurant, the three women were playing the dessert game -- each trying to hide her sentiments about the course while simultaneously attempting to gauge those of her companions ....
I know that thoughtful silence very well. I always experience it around women, and not just at the dessert course. I rarely experience it while dining with men.
02-20-2009, 09:13 PM
Oh wow. I usually work from home and monitor 3fatchicks all day, but today I was out from 9 am to 8 pm. I just came home after a l-o-n-g day to find all these thought-provoking responses; thank you all! I'm glad to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to read over and think more on what everyone has said.
Saef, that quote absolutely *resonated* with me. I'm the one at the restaurant who won't order until I've heard what everyone else is having...